You know, a lot of people say I'm kinda shallow, kinda dim, kinda lot of things. And yeah, I'm honest with that - I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, that's for certain. But, you know, it's really not so clear cut as all that.

For example, my ever changing love life. Point one, it's really not love; it was only love once, and that turned into gut-wrenching hate pretty darn quick. Point two, who says it's a life" It's a hobby. I'm the kind of person who doesn't deal with being single; never have, never will. It's not really my fault that I keep attracting weirdoes, is it"

Anyway, I thought I'd put the record straight, even if the only person who reads this is me. At least I'll have it all on paper - that'll teach Correy to start making up boyfriends I've never had.

So ....begin at the beginning. ________________________ http://www.naturallysingle.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Journal.jpg

9th December 2010

Oh gods. Oh gods.

You know that feeling you get when you're rejected" That really sick, cold feeling that sits in your stomach and makes you feel like hell" Yeah, I've got that. And it's all my fault it happened, so it's just not fair that I feel like this.

Why did I do that' I've been imagining it happening for years, and when it looks like it's going to, I have to go and mention Nikki. I know it wasn't Correy turning up that spoilt things; it was me and my big mouth and my complete inability to do anything that isn't upfront.

Seriously, I've never two-timed anyone, I rarely lie unless it's to make someone else feel better ....it's a curse. And worse, now my secret's completely out there, and I am never going to be able to look him in the eye again.

Who, you ask"

Jon, that's who.

Geez, it's not like it's dirty or anything. I mean, it would be pretty ick if I fancied someone like Blue; he's, like, my dad's brother's son, and that's just way too close. But Jon - we're cousins something like fifty times removed. Aside from the surname, we're hardly even related. It's not disgusting.

So why do I feel so guilty for the way I feel" He's always been there; I idolised him when I was a kid, followed him around everywhere. And you know, he never once told me to get lost or leave him alone. He always had time for gawky little Kaylee with her battered guitar and notebook full of scribbles. I just don't know when that turned into really liking him.

Don't get me wrong, I've never breathed a word of it to anyone. Who could I tell? Everyone I know would be really squicked, and after that, they'd never stop teasing me about it. I'm dull, but I'm not that stupid.

Thing is, he really loves Nikki. He has for years. And I really don't like her. She treats him like crap - first she loves him, then she hates him, then she loves him again. The woman needs to get her act together. The number of times I've fantasised about messing up her face for hurting him just doesn't bear thinking about. And she keeps doing it, she keeps treating him badly and hurting him, and he always goes back to her.

He said he'd missed my songs. You know, it didn't even occur to me until he said it, but Jon was always my test audience. Almost everything I've written was played to him first, to get his opinion before I made it a part of my big book. I say almost everything, there's a few in there I'd never have the guts to play to him. He'd know the truth if I did that.

Geez, it's not like he doesn't know now. I am such an idiot. And I snapped at Correy, and I didn't mean to, and it's true, everything I touch right now just turns sick and bad and hurts people.

I'm going stay at the farm for a few days. I can't face him. Not after last night.

Tony Kolowitz

Ah, Tony, Tony, Tony. What an awful mistake he was, and one I am never going to live down. Correy and Geeg still make comments about him now, and that was four years ago!

Anyway, I think I've established that during my teenaged years I was very into the bad boy, rebel type. Tony was completely the opposite. He was your mother's dream of who you'd end up with - tall, blonde, perfectly groomed all the time, came from a good old-fashioned Rhy'Din family that did a lot of a business with ours. He always said the right thing, did the right thing, and for a while, you know, I really was in love with him.

Despite everything that came afterwards, I've got some memories from my time with Tony that I'm gonna treasure for years. Like the day I got my license; he let me drive his precious baby, a "59 Cadillac Eldorado (apparently they're really old and in demand - like I'd know). We went up onto the moors just north of the city, and ....yeah, I really don't need to go into details there. You get the picture. We had lots of moments like that.

That summer was the best of my life to date. And then it all changed.

We got into the same college - me, as usual, only just scraping by - and I thought for sure we were gonna be one of those long-lasting, golden couples, you know" The ones that stay together through college and get married when they're all settled. I know, me and marriage" Dream on, Kaylee.

Anyway, things started going wrong for Tony. He didn't make any of the sports teams, which really pissed him off, and because he didn't do that, he had to actually make friends outside his comfort zone. It's never bothered me, so I totally didn't get why it bothered him. He just couldn't do it; he was rude to everyone I talked to, he even got right in the face of one of the guys who tried to befriend him.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see where it's going. My beautiful, gorgeous, best-boyfriend-ever Tony just snapped. He stopped being the perfect boyfriend, and turned into the lover from hell. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone he didn't approve of, I couldn't go out with anyone unless he was there. I wasn't even allowed to go to family dinners without him, which I think is what tipped everyone off that things weren't right.

Well, that, and the day we turned up for Sunday dinner sporting a black eye and bruised knuckles between us.

Everyone wanted me to dump him, but I was so scared. I seriously thought he would go totally mental if I even suggested that we take a break. Everyone else said there was no way he'd go that far. Turns out I was right, for once.

It took me weeks, but I did finally get the courage together to tell Tony I was leaving. Well, I left alright. Backwards through the door and down the stairs, courtesy of his temperamental fists. I don't remember what happened after that, I blacked out.

I was in hospital for a couple of weeks, though. Broken neck, broken collarbone, broken ribs, and oh yes, let's not forget the internal bleeding. When he went for it, he really went for it.

I got moved back into the big house at the Grove pretty damn sharpish, I can tell you. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own until Tony and his family had been dealt with. I still don't know exactly what 'dealt with' meant in this case.

Turns out that Gigi had gone on a rampage with her brass knuckles, though, and the Kolowitzes had filed a lawsuit against her. Gramps apparently filed his own lawsuit against them, and since they disappeared from Rhy'Din by the end of the year, I guess Gramps won. Good for him.

So yeah, that was Tony. Still think I'm enjoying my slutalicious life, Correy"

25th January 2011

Okay, it's been a while since I wrote in here. I've totally lost the whole thread of lining up every boyfriend I've ever had; looks like this is gonna be a diary and nothing else now. Doesn't mean there won't be boys in it ....boys are the bane of my life. Can't live with them, can't live without them.

So much has happened. I look back on the last entry and I'm thinking how stupid can one person be? He couldn't love me, he never loved me the way I wanted him to. I just didn't realise that the one he loved was my little brother. Yeah, that's right. Jon and Correy. The new couple. Angst-ridden, mischief-laden, and both trying to tell me that I'm still their favourite person in the world.

Of all the people to be dumped for, though. My own brother" Geez, that's gonna smart for a long time. And on top of that, not one but two people I've met in the last coupla weeks have said that I'm all low self-esteemy and stuff. Gee, I wonder why"

I mean, first there's Jason. And he's lovely, he really is. He's just too good for me; he should be with some sweet girl who has more than two brain cells to rub together and the ability to turn the flirt alert off. Correy set us up, and I should feel bad about that, but I really don't. He's nice, although it'd be kinda nice to hear his voice for once. He got some third-rate mage to hex his acne away, and the spell totalled his hearing and voice. It's so strange to have to stop what you're doing in bed to sign what you want to say.

He says he's only friends with Correy because he wanted to meet me. I don't know how I feel about that. Correy's a brat, and he's gotten worse since he got on his loved-up high. He treats people like crap and gets pissed off when they do the same back. But he's my brother, you know" I really don't know how I feel about the fact that his friend is doing to him what he's done to almost everyone else he knows.

And, you know, Jason thought we were a couple because we went on one date. Since when was that a rule in the book of rules" One date does not equal a lasting relationship, does it' And if it does, where was I when the memo went out' He got all angry and upset because I turned up to our second date with a hickey.

Before you get all antsy, Cog, because I know you read my diary, let me say right now that it was totally innocent. Okay, maybe not totally, but there was no hanky-panky of any kind going on at all.

It was that guy, Naraku, from the Inn. I hadn't been out for a while, and Rhae and me had a few drinks at some gods-awful pub before going along to the Red Dragon to finish the night. Correy was there, and I made a new friend, Emlyn. Anyway, somewhere in the middle of everything, Naraku came over and got friendly and predator-flirty with me, which I kinda liked. It's nice to have someone focus all their attention on you. I mean, almost the first thing he said was that I was beautiful. How many girls wouldn't melt when a tall, dark, and dangerous type says that to them"

I swear, I wasn't out on the pull. I was just, you know, there, and things happened. Correy got himself punched by Riley O'Rourke's fiance, and it served him right, too. You don't go around calling the person someone loves a whore to their face. He called me a whore, too. That still hurts. I mean, come on. My brother who single-handedly humiliated me and broke my heart with what he says was a joke to begin with thinks I'm a whore.

Anyway, Naraku offered to distract me from what was clouding me, and that turned out to be hide and seek with a twist. It was fun; I mean, I had no chance of hiding from him, but it was nice to feel about six again for a little while. The whole predatory-flirty thing made sense when he found me, though - he asked if he could feed from me, like a vampire, and I said sure. I mean, I grew up here; the whole eating blood thing really isn't a problem for me unless the person doing it does it for fun or to kill people, or something nasty like that.

So yeah, I got a hickey from letting someone who may or may not be a vampire feed on me, and Jason just went nuts. He got all possessive and angry and hurt, and no matter what he says, I know he didn't accept my explanation. He probably thinks I was on my back all night, legs open for visitors. Just like everyone else does.

It didn't seem to put him off, though. Yeah, so angry sex does leave you with a few bruises, and now I have a huge hickey on my neck, but there's no sign of Naraku's feeding on me. It's all Jason. It's like I have a neon sign saying 'Hands off, she's mine'. And weird though that is, I kinda like it.

I'm not in love. I'm still hurting over Jon and Correy and everything else. But it's nice to know that someone wants me, and that someone could be a really good friend. Provided I don't do something totally stupid and rip his heart out myself.

I hate everyone thinking I'm a whore. But I'm not gonna run away anymore. Let them think it; more fool them.

14th March 2011

Okay, so this writing here thing is turning into a once monthly event. That's cool. At least I am writing some of this down, some of the time.

So let's see, what?s been happening"

Well, I haven't sold any more songs. Not that I actually sold those two, but that's not what I'm telling people. That's a bad thing, actually. The band don't like the other songs I pitched to them, so apparently I'm not welcome in their sights any more. Nice people, huh"

Correy and Jon are back from their romantic getaway. I have a Kaylee Kitty! She's so cute, all pink with a tutu and all snuggly. Seems like Correy spent hours making teddies for everyone at some factory store place in New York, because everyone has one specially made for them. Even better, my itty bitty baby brother bought me a blank music book. It's made just for people who compose songs and music - I've been transferring all my songs from all the scraps of paper and everything else into it, and I still have more than half the book left.

Jason ....I'm not sure what to think about that situation. I mean, yeah, we made up, and we're talking again, which is a good thing. We agreed that if this is going to happen, it's got to happen slowly. I'm still getting over Jon, and it's just not fair to expect me to be able to forget him just like that. I'm just ....I don't know how I feel about Jason's end of the deal. He says he loves me, and I'm terrified that I won't be able to love him back. What if he gets hurt again because of me? I couldn't bear that.

I got a job. Sales assistant at one of the local music stores. Okay, so it's not glamorous or anything, but it pays regularly and pretty well, and I can put my allowance from Gramps aside to help me out when I find a place of my own. Don't get me wrong, I love Ollie and I love living here with him, but I kinda get the feeling that I'm intruding sometimes. When he's completely in his own world, there's just him and the canvas, and I don't like to interrupt him, even if it's by accident. I think I'm cramping his style, and I don't want to do that.

So that's step two of the Kaylee plan. Step one was get a job. Step two is find a place of my own. Step three ....well, that's still a work in progress.

22nd March 2011

It's done. And I feel ....weird. I feel bad for Jason, that he poured all these hopes into me and I couldn't live up to them. But I'm relieved, too. I had a narrow escape, I think, and if Naraku hadn't made me think about what I was doing, I would never have noticed that Jason is just another Tony. At least Tony was an honest a**hole - Jason wanted me to believe he was this sweet nice guy, always the victim.

It got nasty, just like I thought it would. He accused me of not trying - apparently if I'd wanted to try, we would have been on a date since we made the agreement. Why the hell was it on me to make a date" Why did I have to do all the trying" He was the one who said he wanted me, but when it comes right down to it, he never made any sign that he wanted more than an easy lay whenever he fancied it.

And the old arguments came out. He offered to pay me, just like I was some hooker he owed a debt to. He thinks I'm still playing the game, still bouncing from one bed to another. He didn't want to listen to the truth, he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain. All he wanted was a Kaylee who doesn't exist anymore.

I got so mad. It's one thing for Correy to call me a whore to my face, but when Jason tries that' I saw red. I didn't yell, though - I don't think I did, anyway. But at least I know the truth now. He's just another Tony, and I really don't need that in my life anymore. Living life for me, that's the new motto; subtitle - I don't need anyone else to think well of me to know I'm worth something.

Anywho, on to better news. Jon's come out of his coma. I still haven't been in to see him when he's awake, but apparently he doesn't remember anything. He doesn't even remember Correy, and that's just tearing Cog up inside.

Is it wrong of me to wish permanent selective amnesia on him' He would be so much happier if he couldn't remember anything about all that confusion over Christmas. I need to talk to Correy - we should think up a better version of events to tell Jon. Anything to get things back to the way they should be, rather than all this guilt and angst.

That's so selfish. I can't believe I even thought that, let alone wrote it down. But it's true. I guess selfish isn't so bad as I thought.

21st May 2011

What a month! Where do I start"

Well, first things first ....Naraku is easily the best thing to happen to me for years. Seriously, the man can melt me with a look, and that voice. Shivers. Every time. And he doesn't have a problem with me working, or spending time with my brother or Ollie, or my friends, which is a huge step up for me. Where was he when I was sixteen" I could have saved myself a lot of trouble just by falling for him then.

Jon's coming on fantastically. I went to see him in Twelfth Night at the Shanachie a few days ago. I swear, I was so proud, Correy had to keep his hand over my mouth to stop me cheering every time he finished a line. He still doesn't remember much, if anything, from before the ....accident ....which is good. I don't want him going back to Angsty Jon every time he sees me, not now everything is cool between us.

Finally remembered to tell Ollie that I'm moving out at the end of the month. He seemed kinda sad when I told him, but I doubt he's gonna miss me as much as he says he will. Not when he's got wedding to plan, and all the preparations to make for having a wife and a baby in the space of about five months.

I know! Ollie's getting married! How cool is that' And yeah, okay, so Cally's not thrilled, but hey, she dropped the ball. She knows as well as everyone else how shy Ollie is; better, because Lola will have told her a dozen times or more. If she'd pulled her finger out and hooked him when she had the chance, he wouldn't have come over all knight-in-shining-armor when Piper Davidson blew into town.

Piper's pretty sweet. I mean, she's gotta be cool, right' She didn't yell at me for setting up a little ambush, or for siccing Correy on her and Ollie at Beltane. And I'm pretty happy with her, too. She's not a gold-digger - hell, she's got more money than us - she's even a real blue-blood, Lady Piper Davidson.

The baby's not Ollie's, obviously. The man still hasn't gotten himself laid, but at least now it doesn't look like I'm gonna have to hire him a hooker to sort that out. Now he's the one who has to pull his finger out. Seriously ....engaged to a girl he obviously fancies the pants off, and he hasn't even kissed her properly yet' That's taking gentlemanly manners way too far, in my opinion.

Speaking of manners, where the hell is Lola" And why didn't she bother to tell her own brother that she was going someplace, much less when and for how long" After the whole Caroline/Anubis thing at Christmas, Lala disappearing has everyone on edge, and Cally's not giving anything away. It's so frustrating!

Hmm, let's see. Oh! Gossip on the Caroline front - Correy got her to admit that she's in lurve. Apparently she goes all gooey if you manage to get her onto the subject of Richmond, so maybe I should get to forging her handwriting and invite him someplace where we can interrogate him. The guy is a complete mystery - no one knows much about him at all.

Still plugging away with my writing, but there haven't been any takers recently. I guess I'm just not focused enough to whack out anything commercial enough right now, what with the moving and the spying and the spending hours and hours snuggled up with my very own spider man.

Ah, well. I'll get back to it sometime.