I don't know why I thought coming home would solve all my problems. I don't know why I thought things would be different. Nothing ever changes here. Rhydin never changes. My family never changes. It's like living a drama, instead of just acting in one. My whole life has been one big dramatic play split into separate acts. I wonder which act I'm in now. I'd like to think there's a happy ending, but I'm not so sure.

It's strange how Gigi seems to know me best. I think she knows me even better than Lena or Nikki. I thought I knew Nikki, but I'm not so sure about that anymore either. There's a lot she's not telling me. A lot we're not telling each other. I've tried to be honest, but maybe ignorance really is bliss.

I need to start sorting through Dad's things. It's something I should have done a long time ago. He's been dead for over a year now. A year of my life that I'd like to forget. I thought I had my head on straight coming back here. I thought I knew what I wanted. But no matter how much you try to put the past to rest, it always seems to come back to haunt you.

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted me to be. I know you missed Mom. We all did. She was the one thing that held this family together. Nothing is the same without her, and it never will be. But I loved you. I did. Even when you were railing at me and telling me how disappointed you were in me. I knew I'd never have your approval, but I would have settled for your acceptance.

Why does everything have to be so damned complicated? All I wanted was to come home, settle down, marry Nikki, start a family, and work in the theater. Write a play maybe. I don't know. And now, everything is a mess.

My court date is coming up. What am I supposed to tell my family' Sorry, can't make the holidays because I might go to prison' They're going to find out sooner or later. I've been lucky so far. My little escapades seem to have escaped notice here. Lucky for me, Rhydin reporters don't pay much attention to what?s going on in other parts of the Nexus.

I've never been a violent man. I don't really believe in violence. But sometimes violence is needed. Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, for what?s right. I've got half a mind to give Lola one of Dad's guns, but that might cause more problems than it would solve. Gigi doesn't seem to understand that brass knuckles aren't much good if you don't know how to throw a punch.

I remember now why I left this God-forsaken place. There's no order here. No rules. No consequences for your actions. Ironic me saying that, when justice is about to bite me in the ass. That reporter got what he deserved. I don't regret any of it. Nikki doesn't understand. The price we pay for fame is freedom, and it's a high price to pay. That's partly why I came back here. I'm just Jon-Boy here. No one special.

Caroline is wrong about me. I didn't leave home to chase fame and fortune and skirts. Not really. But the lure of stardom is strong. It's like cocaine. Once you've had a taste of it, you can't get enough. But it's like slow poison. If you're not careful, it will destroy you.

I've had a lot of time to think over the last year, and I've come to realize that I don't care about any of that. Fame is fleeting, and money doesn't buy happiness. What I really care about was always here all along. Family, friends, home. That's what?s really important in life. And I'll be damned if I'm going to lose it again.

Jonathan David Granger 28 November 2010

I've cried more the past two days than I've cried in years. The last thing I wanted to do is hurt Kaylee, and that's exactly what I've done. There's gonna be a special place in hell for me someday. No one is going to understand, but I can't be what she wants me to be.

As I sit here and write this, my thoughts turn to Max. I never told anyone about Max until now. Correy knows and understands. I was seventeen when I met Max. I was in San Francisco doing a photo shoot for Calvin Klein. A bunch of us went out to check out the bar scene, and there she was. Long dark hair and legs that went on forever. She took one look at me and me at her, and I knew I was doomed. She took me home and did things to me no woman would ever dream of doing. That night, I lost my virginity to a drag queen. I stayed with Max for about six months before I had to move on. Work took me away from the city and when I came back, a prettier face had taken my place. But I understood. Nothing lasts forever, baby, she told me. Love while you can and give it all you've got. She told me I had to move on, that she was bad for my image. I didn't understand or care about that then, but she was probably right. I've kept in touch with Max over the years. We're still good friends, but we were never lovers again. The last I heard she was HIV positive. God, I hope she makes it.

After Max was Sylvia. I guess Sylvia was what you'd call a cougar. I met her in the theater. She was one of the principal dancers. God, she knew how to use her legs like no one else I've ever met. She taught me what it was to love a woman. She taught me what a woman wants and how to take my time. She taught me that women require patience and tenderness and loving attention. I stayed with Sylvia for a few months before work took me away again. While Max might have made me a man, Sylvia made me a lover. Maybe most importantly of all, Sylvia taught me to be careful. To not think with my dick, but with my heart and my head. Sylvia taught me to take precautions, so I didn't end up like Max.

There were countless others after that, men and women alike. Some were brief one-night affairs, some lasted longer. Each one made an indelible mark on my life one way or another, for better or worse. The list is lengthy. I won't names names, but some of them are here on RhyDin. Most of them have moved on. I'm part of their past, like they're part of mine. A memory, a lesson, a chapter burned into the books of our lives. Part of what?s led me to where I am now.

And then, there was Nikki. Nikki was a dream. My childhood sweetheart. She was Juliet to my Romeo, ill-fated from the start. I came back here for her or thought I did. Nikki was a mistake. Whatever it was we once had is gone. A boy's dream. The happily-ever-after that wasn't to be. She wanted it all and she wanted it with me, but in the end I couldn't give her what she wanted anymore than I could Kaylee. Marriage, children, white picket fences. I'm never going to have any of that. I know that now. It's not me. It's never been me. It never will be me. Why I tried fooling myself into thinking it was I don't know.

Trying to be something and someone I'm not and can never be. Trying to please people who have never understood and probably never will. Caroline and Kaylee and Ollie and Laura and Gigi and even Helena. I know things. They confide in me. I keep their secrets, but tell them none of my own. They think they know me, but they don't.

Correy's the only one who's ever even come close to understanding me. He's just a boy, but he's quickly becoming a man. I worry people will think I'm corrupting him, but it wasn't me who offered myself to him. It was the other way around. He holds my heart in his hand, and he's only now starting to realize it.

My only regret is Kay. It hurts to think about Kaylee. So sweet, so trusting. She's looked up to me all her life, idolized me, and now, she's finally seeing that I'm only human, after all. Flawed, imperfect. I've made mistakes like everyone else. What she doesn't understand is that I love her. God, I love her so much. Of all of them, I probably love her most. I never wanted to hurt her, but she wanted something I just couldn't give. I tried, I did, but I'm tired of living a lie. I just can't do it anymore. It would only hurt her worse in the end to pretend to be something I'm not. I was her hero once, but no more. I promised not to break her heart, and that's exactly what I've done. I love her more than anything in every way but one. I hate myself for hurting her, but I hope that someday she can forgive me. I hope someday she understands.

And then, there's Caroline. God, when I think about Caroline, I just want to scream. I want to kill Anubis for what he's done. I want to kill Junior for refusing to help her. I want to find her and bring her home safely, but my hands are tied. I don't know where she is. I don't know how to find her, and I feel lost without her. She once accused me of leaving home to chase fame and skirts, but she was wrong. I didn't leave home because of that. I left home because I couldn't stay here anymore. I left home because I wasn't happy here. I left home to discover who I am. Is it ironic that I've only really come to understand the answer to that question by coming home again? Of all of them, I worry most of all what Caroline will think. I have to believe she's still alive, out there somewhere, waiting to come home to us, and when she does, I'll welcome her with open arms. I hope she does the same.

I hope someday they'll understand and they'll forgive me, but I can't live a lie anymore. I am who I am and I won't apologize for it. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this moment, to finally accept who and what I am, to finally live the life I want, to finally love who I love and not be ashamed of it or afraid who might find out. Be true to yourself. That's what my mother taught me. No matter what happens, Jonny, be true to yourself and you'll find happiness someday. It's taken me twenty-five years to understand what she meant by that, but I'm finally doing just that.

Jonathan David Granger 2 January 2011

So much has happened the last few days, I don't even know where to begin. It was because of Kaylee that I realized I'm....God, how should I say this" I'll just say it. I'm gay. That's all there is to it. I've suspected for a while, but I never really figured it out until I was with Kay. I guess my father was right about me. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but there's a certain stigma that comes with being gay, at least as far as being an actor is concerned. People expect certain things, a certain kind of behavior. I've lived a lie for so long I was actually starting to believe it. I was ready to marry Nikki, thinking somehow we could make it work. I was just fooling myself. And Mataya....Hell, we were just kids having fun, so high on dope we didn't even know what we were doing half the time. I sometimes feel like my whole life has been one big lie. Ollie knows Correy and I are together. He's not stupid. He must have figured out the truth about me by now. He seems to be taking it a lot better than I thought he would. Everyone has been, except Kay. God, I wish I could turn back time, start all over again, fix all my mistakes. I never wanted to hurt her, but what?s done is done. She hates me, and I hate myself for hurting her, but Ollie is right. There's nothing I can do to change things. There's nothing I can do to make it up to her. I thought she was finally accepting it and moving on with her life, but I guess I was wrong. Time heals all wounds, so they say, but I'm not so sure about that. I hope someday she'll forgive me, but for now, all I can do is hope. And then, there's Corr. He's hurting, too, and it's all my fault. If I hadn't encouraged Kaylee, thinking that maybe there was something there; if I hadn't opened up to Correy. God, I haven't opened up to anyone like that in so long. I know there are people who will think it's just lust, but it's not. There's a connection between us that I can't explain. There are no words for it. Last night, he tried to kill himself. He botched it. I don't think he really wanted to do it, but I can't get it out of my head. Seeing him there in the bathtub, his blood turning the water a sickening shade of red. I don't know what I'd have done if he'd died. He said he wanted me to be with Kaylee, to make her happy, but what he doesn't seem to understand is that I can't be with Kaylee. I can never make her happy. It's not who I am, and it was just never meant to be. She said she wanted me to be happy, but that's a lie. How can I be happy when they're both in so much pain" Sometimes I wish I'd never come back here. Things would be different then. Nikki would still be with what?s his name, Correy would be with Rori, and Kay....She might miss me, but out of sight, out of mind. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but in truth, all absence does is make you forget. If I hadn't come back, none of this would be happening. Maybe my father was right. I was never worthy of his love, and I'm not worthy of Kay's either. She's gone now. She left and Correy is devastated. I don't know if she'll be back, and I don't know what to do about it. How am I supposed to go on with my life and pretend nothing is wrong" I don't understand why we keep hurting each other. Do you always hurt the ones you love" I love them all so much, but there's nothing I can do to make it better. I promised Correy I'd never leave. He promised the same thing, but he almost broke that promise last night. He even said that what?s happened between us started out as a joke. Maybe it was a joke to him, but it's never been a joke to me. I don't know what to think anymore. How am I supposed to feel about that' Does he love me even a little or is it just lust" Things are so different when we're alone, when it's just the two of us. When no one is there to question or criticize. When no one is there to pass judgment. I love him so much it hurts. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost him. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt this kind of connection. He seems to understand me like no one else ever has before. I've never loved or wanted someone so badly, and I wonder if Kay feels the same way about me. I wish she didn't. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. I wish she loved me like a brother again. Gigi warned me about coming between them, about causing a rift. I didn't set out to do that; it just happened. I told Correy maybe I should go away for a while, let them sort things out, but he doesn't want me to. We're supposed to go to New York in a few days, to get away from everyone and everything for a while. Maybe things will be better there. Maybe we can just focus on us. We were supposed to look at rings there, but I'm not sure Correy is ready. He says he's ready, but he's only nineteen. I'm ready to make a commitment, but what if he isn't' If he's ready, why'd he try and hurt himself" Doesn't he realize how much that would have hurt Kaylee and how much it would have hurt me? I've been there. I know what it's like to try to end your life, but it doesn't solve anything. All it does it cause more pain. It's the coward's way out. We did the right thing. We told Kaylee and Rori what happened. We faced the music. There's not much more we can do. Maybe if I talked to Kaylee and tried to explain, maybe she'd try to understand, but I don't know how. Nikki didn't understand either. We used to be friends. Maybe someday we can be friends again. I don't know. All I want to do is make things better, but I don't know how. I wish someone would tell me how. Jonathan David Granger 11 February 2011

My therapist gave me this journal the other day. She seems to think it might help to write my thoughts down and sort my feelings out.

The doctor told me I'm lucky, that it's rare to survive a gunshot wound to the head. Was it luck or something else? Why was I spared" Did God spare my life for some greater purpose, and if so, what"

My head feels like a jumbled mess. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing. None of it makes much sense. They don't think I'll ever regain the memories that were lost. I have to start over and make new memories to replace the old ones that were lost.

I don't understand why this happened. What kind of person would want to shoot someone" Some people from the Watch were here asking questions, but I wasn't much help. How can I help them when I don't remember what happened?

People seem to expect so much from me. I don't want to let people down, but I don't even know who I am anymore. Another cousin came to visit the other day. Her name is Lola. She brought me a gorgeous red scarf she wove herself and some books. One is Shakespeare. Some of it is familiar and some isn't, but I find myself enthralled by it. I can hear the words in my head, the way they should be spoken, but when I try to recite them, it's like the words get stuck somewhere between my brain and my mouth, and I can't quite get them to come out right. It's frustrating, but they tell me it will get better. I'm taking medication to keep the headaches under control, and the doctor seems to think they'll go away eventually. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can hardly think straight. Thanks to the healers, my shoulder is almost as good as new, and my legs are getting stronger every day. I'm using a cane now and can walk short distances without having to rest. They want me to walk at least a mile a day, until I can do it without any help. The doctor seems pleased with my progress and said it's almost time for me to go home, but I don't even know where home is. They tell me I was born at a place called Willow Manor, but the name is meaningless to me. Correy said we share an apartment at Zen Gardens, but I don't remember that either. We spent the other night at the springs cottage. I liked it there. It was quiet and peaceful.

Correy's been showing me family photos, and I'm trying to memorize what faces go with what names. I'm told my parents are dead. I guess I didn't have a very good relationship with my father. Correy says he was upset with me because I'm gay, but I don't remember anything about that. We've been talking about a fall wedding. I hope by then I can put the pieces of my life back together and truly be able to say that I love him. I told Correy we're going to be okay, and I have to believe that. I know Correy loves and cares about me, and that's all that really matters. There are so many things I don't know about myself, but every day I learn a little bit more. Sometimes it's a pleasant surprise, sometimes not so pleasant. But every life is like that, isn't it' In every life, a little rain must fall, or something like that. Jon Granger 4 April 2011 RhyDin