Topic: One

Gabrielle Bradford

Date: 2012-01-19 09:57 EST
Gabi stood in the center of Frank's bedroom, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Her mind was in utter turmoil, unable to find coherence in her thoughts, lost in the boiling mass of emotion that had settled upon her in the days since ...

No, she couldn't even think the words, much less say them out loud. They were horrifying, painful, isolating. So isolating. One word kept howling through her mind ....Alone. For her whole life, she had been one of three, the youngest of three people born on the same day, secure in the love of her brothers no matter what happened between them. And now she was one.

Hope was a dull thing, not daring to make its presence felt in the midst of her despair. She didn't dare hope that Cian might still pull through; she couldn't bear the thought that if she allowed herself that hope, he might still leave her the way Frank had. Alone. She would have to get used to being just one, alone, no longer protected by her brothers and their laughing, teasing affection for her.

Anger was the strongest of the feelings that coursed through her. How dare they' How dare they do this to her" She was angry with Cian for being stupid enough to get into the accident in the first place; furious with Frank for dying to save his life. Livid with the hospital for not finding a match with her blood. Incandescent with rage at her Aunt Miranda, who had swept home just two days ago and had settled right in, taking over the care of her father as though it was all she had ever done.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate her aunt, of course not. Gabi usually enjoyed Miranda's visits greatly. But now ....Gabi had nothing to distract her from the uncertainties of the future, no purpose to keep her from splitting three ways. The interfering woman had taken over their father's life without so much as a by your leave, and left Gabi flapping uselessly in the wind.

Gordon had his sister to take care of him. Cian had Tera. Jon had Vicki. Humphrey had Caroline and her boyfriend keeping tabs on him. Who did Gabi have" Just herself. Alone. She had never been able to make friends easily, too shy of people in general to form the bonds that meant so much. Even the rest of the family scared her; they were too boisterous, too loud, too brave.

They were everything Gabi was not, and in moments like this, she felt keenly the separation between their blood. She did not belong. She had never truly belonged; just a child adopted by Gordon and Felicity to be the daughter they could not have. She'd found her birth mother's family a few years before; but no, she didn't belong there, either.

So this was it. No purpose, no support, no place to hide. One brother ....gone ....the other lingering in a coma. Her father distraught and comforted by his sister. Her family turning to those they knew and trusted for their own comfort. Only she had no one to turn to. Alone. And it was entirely her own fault.

It was ridiculous, stupid. She was twenty-seven years old, and had no friends, no attachments, nothing in her life but her work. But fabrics and books would never be able to cover the gaping hole that had been left deep in her soul by this dreadful loss. So she would have to do something about it. Alone.

Gabrielle Bradford

Date: 2012-01-21 13:53 EST
The door closed with an unusually loud bang behind her as Gabi re-entered the house, offering a called 'Hello' to anyone who might be in. She was hoping to get to her bedroom before either her father or Aunt Miranda caught her, but this was not to be the case.

"Oh, Gabi, there you are," Miranda's voice approached from the living room as the youngest of the Granger triplets started up the stairs. "I was thinking, maybe we should spend a bit of girly time togeth - Oh my god. What happened to your hair?"

Gabi paused, one foot in mid-air, and steeled herself, turning to look down at her aunt. She could tell from the look on Miranda's face that whatever the woman had been expecting to see, it wasn't this. Gabi's long, lustrous blonde hair had been cut short, falling now in uneven layers about her face just long enough to brush her collar.

"I had it cut," Gabi offered diffidently, proud of herself for how well she hid what a shock to the system the hair cut had been to herself. "Time for a change, you know" Not a complete disaster, either."

"N-no ..." Miranda's shocked expression faded into wariness. "But you do know that making big changes now isn't a good idea, Gabi. You're still in shock ....you need to let yourself grieve ..."

"There's no point," Gabi cut her aunt off forcefully. "Frank's gone, yes. But until I know if Cian's going too, I'm in limbo. I can't feel it until I know how badly I should be feeling. Until I know if I'm going to be an only child or not. So I'm making changes now, before it's too late."

"Gabi -"

"I'm going to my room. Say hi to Dad for me, would you?" Without glancing back, Gabi broke into a jog, long legs eating up the distance to the top of the stairs and in through her own door, leaving Miranda staring after her in disbelief.

Inside, Gabi dropped her bags and leaned heavily on the wall, heaving a shuddering sigh of relief. She'd done it. She'd gone and done something entirely of her own volition, something she hadn't been entirely certain about, and she had weathered the initial reaction without bursting into tears or losing her temper. It was a good sign, it had to be.

Of course, she mused, emptying the bags she had brought in onto the bed, she'd have to go through it all again when Miranda caught her coming back down the stairs. The haircut seemed to have been a big enough shock, but the rest of Gabi's plan was going to be more difficult for her family to understand or accept.

For years, ever since Cian had run away at sixteen, she'd become progressively shier, more easily frightened of strangers, so cautious of taking risks that it was unhealthy. Even her clothing reflected her personality - all long shapeless skirts, voluminous sweaters and cardigans, anything to hide her shape from the eyes of people who looked her over. Well, all that was about to change. Without Frank and Cian to hide behind, Gabi was going to have to take charge of herself, and she was going to do it, her way.

Tradition dictated that she wear black for the next while; in that case, black was going to be her new palette. She'd spent an agonising couple of hours in the Marketplace and New Haven this morning, going through racks of brightly colored pastels and bold color contrasts to find as many pieces of utterly black clothing as possible. She hadn't spent much of her allowance or salary at all in the last few years, which meant that she'd had the money to spare.

She bit her lip, looking down at the ensemble she had chosen. A mini-skirt, a sleeveless top that displayed cleavage she hadn't even know she had, a loosely knitted cardigan. Add to those the knee high boots she'd found in a second-hand store, the patterned tights to relieve a little of the oppressive black, and the new hair cut ....The woman in the mirror looked nothing like the woman who had rolled out of bed this morning.

And that was just the beginning.

Gabrielle Bradford

Date: 2012-01-27 16:48 EST
Some changes are good. Others, not so good. Madion's parting words the night Gabi had almost lost it in the Inn had been haunting the blonde Granger almost every moment since they were spoken. "Don't be a c*nt." Just that. Four simple words that had cut straight to the heart of what was wrong with Gabi right now.

Caught up in her loss, in her need to make something different about herself, she had started to channel Frank into her everyday life. Tried to make his mannerisms hers, as though that would make the breach better, easier to deal with. All she had discovered was that smoking made her feel sick, drinking made her lose control, and being nasty to people made her heart ache. There was nothing about the Frank of recent years that she could cling to and still feel like herself.

But the Frank of her childhood, the brother who had been there when she'd fallen over, who'd teased her incessantly about her crushes, who had made up the three that she had always felt secure and a part of ....That was someone she could aspire to be. Before their mother's death, Frank had been all about fun, about enjoying himself and making sure everyone else enjoyed themselves too. He'd been caring and gentle, had never had a bad word to say about anyone. That was something she could try and regain, for his sake.

Alright, so the motorcycle had probably been a silly thing, but it was there now, hidden under a tarp in the garage. Her father was probably going to have a heart attack the first time he saw her ride away on it, but for once, that didn't worry her so much. He had to see that she was fully grown now, capable of making her own decisions, of dealing with her own mistakes. For far too long, Gabi had been content to stay the child of their little family unit, prepared to be coddled and protected from the world until she had no concept of the world outside the Grangers. That had to change, and soon. If Cian .....If she was going to be just one for the rest of her life, she had to be able to face the world and know who she was when she did it.

What she knew so far was this; Gabrielle Granger was not so much of a coward as she had always thought. Gabrielle Granger could talk to strangers without having a panic attack. Gabrielle Granger was a calm, soft-spoken person who didn't like being unpleasant to anyone. And Gabrielle Granger had skills she had never fully realised.

That was why she had asked Madion about the motorcycle, why she had bought herself a helmet and jacket. She wasn't reckless, but she was determined. She had learned to ride years ago, when Cian had first written home to tell them about his riding, out of solidarity, to show their father that it wasn't such a stupid form of transport. Gordon Granger needed to be shown that again now. And Gabi needed to prove to herself that she could follow through on a decision, no matter the consequences.

Slowly but surely, she was learning who she was. And while, yes, she was avoiding feeling the aching chasm in her chest where Frank should have been, she could mourn later. When she knew for certain just how much she had lost.

Gabrielle Bradford

Date: 2012-02-07 07:59 EST
It was getting to the point where a visit to the hospital was the high point of her day. That was not a good thing. But until the coroner released Frank's body, there would be no funeral, and until that time, all Gabi had to hold onto was the possibility that Cian could hear her. She'd folded in on herself even more than ever over the past few weeks, staying out of her aunt's way and consequently away from her father. Miranda had made no attempt to hide how much she disapproved of the changes her niece had made over the last two or so weeks, and Gabi was tired of having that circular conversation. It wasn't as though this was all they talked about, but it came up too often for comfort.

She smiled tiredly at the clerk on the desk as she stepped out of the elevator. The clerk looked up at her with the by-now-familiar look of sympathetic concern, glancing at his notebook. "Your father just left, Gabi," he told her warmly. "As far as I know, you can go right in; the nurses are in hand-over at the moment."

"Thanks, Mark," she nodded gratefully to him, scrubbing her hands with alcohol gel before pushing the door open. The nurses looked up as she passed; she, Tera, Gordon, and Miranda were such familiar faces now in the ICU that they offered over quiet hellos and nods of greeting before returning to their shift change.

Gabi made her way on auto-pilot to Cian's room, putting her bag and coat down on one of the chairs before moving to curl her hands around one of his, mindful of the IV feed taht had been re-sited to the back of his hand only a day before. She sighed softly, leaning her hip against the high bed as she looked down at her brother.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

Gentle fingers stroked over his hand as she studied her silent brother, relieved to see that they had not yet placed him on the respirator as they had been saying they would. It had been over a month now, and Cian still wasn't awake. The hospital staff were beginning to lose that edge of hopefulness when they spoke about his recovery now.

Someone had pulled his hair up into a ponytail right on top of his head. Miranda, no doubt, trying to keep him cool in her own way. Gabi rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh at the sight. He looked like a very bad female impersonator attempting Pebbles for his big act.

"Yeah, that's not a good look for you," she told her sleeping brother, reaching up to release the freshly-washed locks and brush them back to their accustomed place. "You do realise I am going to start taking pictures of the things Miranda does to you if you don't wake up soon, right?"

As always, she paused, fighting against the hope that he would squeeze her hand, twitch his foot, open his eyes ....anything to prove that he was still there, that he wasn't just prolonging the pain of loss to unbearable lengths. Nothing. She sighed again, lowering herself to sit in the chair by his side, her hand still loosely in his.

"So ....nothing really all that new today," she began, her voice quiet but fond as she spoke. The staff assured them constantly that Cian could hear them, and despite her insistence on not holding onto the hope of his recovery, Gabi spent at least two hours of the day talking to her comatose brother. It would have been longer if she hadn't had to go to work. "Took my bike in for a service; that's gonna cost a bit, but it's not like I don't have the money, is it' That's what you get for having no life for ten years - lots of money stacked up. We had a coupla new weaves come into the library today, too, so ....my boring life was a little less boring for an hour."

She laughed softly, the sound dissolving into the silence as she leaned forward to press her forehead to Cian's unmoving hand. "Please wake up, Cian," she murmured, her voice breaking as she switched with frightening abruptness from levity to grief, her eyes lifting to the ceiling, her voice addressing some unknown deity. "Please, I can't do this on my own anymore. Even if he never speaks to me again, even if he goes away and never comes back, please .....please bring him back. Make him better, and I promise I'll be a good girl; I'll get married, I'll have babies, I'll do anything you want. Just give me my brother back."

If someone heard her, there was no reply. Just the silence of the hospital, and the slow, steady beep insisting that hers was not the only heart beating in the room.

Gabrielle Bradford

Date: 2012-02-10 05:43 EST
"- he's awake and talking. Your dad's gone already - do you want me to pick you up?"

No reply. No answer. Not even the reassuring hiss of a relieved breath, or a sob of happiness. Nothing to overpower the suddenly agonising silence that radiated from this end of the phone line.

"Gabi?"

She jumped, hearing her name, and turned her attention back to the telephone in her hand, to the aunt who had made a special point of calling her at work to pass on the news. The good news, she reminded herself.

"Yeah, no," she said finally, her lips close to the speaker, her voice sounding faraway and unattached to the world in general. "No, it's okay, I'll ....I need to finish up here, and ....You go, look after Dad."

"You are coming, Gabi, yes?"

"No, yes, I ..." Again, her voice trailed off as she looked around at the little library of filing cabinets and open books, feeling something inside her begin to harden with anger, so very distant from the rest of everything. "I can bring myself. I need to finish up here."

"Well, if you insist. Be safe on that awful bike, Gabi, we'll see you at the hospital."

The phone was already back on the receiver before Miranda could hang up herself. Gabi stared into the middle distance, her hands flat against the desk in front of her. She was shaking, but why' Wasn't this good news"

Good news ....She heard herself snort, pushing to stand up and begin the task of locking up the little fabric library. Three weeks ago, it would have been good news. Three weeks ago, Frank wouldn't be a corpse on a slab in the city morgue; there would have been no need for anything to go wrong. Three weeks ago, she wouldn't have had to deal with grief and pain, and being utterly useless to everyone who meant anything to her. She wouldn't have realised how alone she really was.

And now this. She'd begged and pleaded with Cian to wake up, to show her some sign he was still there, to give her some reason not to fall apart. To come back and prove to her how she wasn't just one alone. But it wasn't her he had woken up for. He'd woken up for Tera, the girl he loved and who she was sure loved him. Not for Gabi. For Tera.

She heard a distance clatter, felt an odd thump, wondering for a moment why it was that she was staring at her own knees, bent in front of her face. Then she realised; in all the numbness of the shock, the fight to keep the anger out of her soul, she had fallen down, now slumped on the floor of the little office where she worked, unable to conjure the strength to stand.

She should be relieved. She should be happy. But she wasn't. She was angry. She was heartsore. And worst of all ....she was unwanted. No matter how much she needed anyone, they did not need her. She felt that knowledge settle like an icy hand gripped about her heart. They'd be better off if she just disappeared, perhaps; if she just wasn't there any more for them to have to give their time to when they clearly had others they would rather be with.

And she had her end of the bargain to keep. She'd promised some nebulous, unknown deity only two days ago that if Cian awoke she, Gabrielle, would get married, have children, do whatever it wanted her to do. Maybe this was a sign. Cian had woken up, but in the presence of the girl he might one day marry and have babies with. So Gabi would have to go out into the world and do something about her own single, barren status. Alone.

She wouldn't go to the hospital. They didn't need her there; she'd only take up a seat that could be enjoyed more fully by someone else. If this was what it took to keep what was left of her family alive and well, then she would do it. She would embrace the unity of being just one, the fear of the unknown. She'd be out of Beecham House by tonight, and they need never worry about her, ever again.