Topic: Renewal

Fiona ONeill

Date: 2013-12-11 00:52 EST
Home

~~~

"Is it possible for home to be a person and not a place?" ― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

~~~

Rhydin Prime.

A Postpriori.

Responsibility.

How many reach a point at there lives, there at the end, when nothing lies ahead but the final breath, that they are gifted with the insight to realize that all the things that have befallen them, are ultimately, their own doing. And, how many accept that fact' The Lord of Autumn stood quietly, and hesitated. He was near the Coven that he'd called home, Bristle Crios. And as was typical, which at least that had not changed, he was...brooding. That in turn made him nervous, something which he was unaccustomed to.

The Time he'd spent in the Vacuole had changed him, in subtle ways. "Hopefully....for the better," he mused to himself, words not heard in the material plane, but absorbed by the silvery mists of the Nightlands. He bowed his head, and made a conscious effort not to touch his sixth chakra, the focal point of his Myriad, Justicar. Was that the reason he acted thusly' Or was the fact that he lived as he did serve to be the reason that Justicar had chosen him' He didn't know, and really wasn't sure if he cared. It was just one of the thoughts that spun through his head as he tried to ....focus. It was what held him back from just....going to her.

Issues would often catch his eye, and he would leap upon them, usually metaphorically but let it be said that historical precedent records it as being literal as well. His Lost Brother had been one such issue, one passion. A brother who by all accounts had never done right by him. But a brother just the same. It had been hours now, since he'd discovered how long his absence had been, when he'd returned the body of the Dead Boy to the Company. How many lives ruined now, by his ill gotten pursuit?

Knightfall

Date: 2013-12-11 01:09 EST
A year lost, and the life of a good man, or what would have been a good man, in a few more years. He sighed, his thoughts spinning wildly as he tried to refocus. An entire year. Gone. Now that he'd lost Her, though, it was different. He wondered how many times he'd done the same thing in his life, or some version of it. For all his logic, and attempts at an aloof demeanor, how many times had the fire within him burned too hot, and eaten away everything that he was, leaving nothing for anything or anyone else....and caused their alienation or loss, as a result'

Everything had been different, this time.

Her absence. It wasn't like the absence of anything he'd known before. A part of him, the desperately logical part, told him it was due to their connection through the Myriae. The entire rest of his being wanted to strike him down for that. When their tether snapped, it had been like a physical blow to him, and he remembered well the first....and every subsequent time he'd set eyes upon here, there on Horizon. Not the woman he loved, exactly, but a younger version of her - he was certain of that now. He paused now, on the cusp of entering the grounds to the Coven, aware of the exact boundary, the limits of the Guardians senses. A trembling hand raised, and outstretched palm pressed lightly against the invisible line.

His thoughts spun further, "How dare I," accusation, condemnation, and conviction, "....try to step back into her life, in any way. To love her, and to know what I now think...is a paradox; if -I- am the enemy of myself, then....I should..." And the trembling hand paused, held in the air, closing into a fist, tensing and relaxing. He raised his head, and took the first step forward, "I still love you....forgive me for what I'm about to do."

Fiona ONeill

Date: 2013-12-11 01:11 EST
Fiona was in her front room of her small suite in Demon House. She had moved out of Eternal House awhile ago. She could remember when if she allowed herself to do so, but she wouldn't. Instead, she focused on the activities of daily living at the coven. She ordered supplies for the houses. She would manage the care of the grounds. She would do everything she could that would fill her time, especially if she could spend her time on the grounds and hidden away in her office. Her office was the front room of her small suite, what should have been the living area. It only made sense to her to convert the living room to her office, since that's where she was doing most of her "living' now. Words echoed in his mind, tying himself to the land; he'd spoken them when he'd taken this place as his abode, "I am Knightfall, I am the Land; I Knightfall, am the Land," and had invoked the Rite of the Fisher King. The House Eternal was the Seat of his power here, once; but his heart had always remained in that place that he'd first taken shelter and been given refuge, The Demon House. The lack of Guardians suggested to him one of two things, either the Rite still held, or....he was simply written off; a non-entity as far as they were concerned, name already inscribed into the Dead Books, which didn't imply that he was dead as much as it did that he was simply...gone. Forever gone.

He hesitated once more, and set out for Demon House. There was no great emanation, nothing that would signal his presence to mundane eyes; simply a man trodding upon the dead grass and leaves, attempting to ignore the bone chilling cold that wracked him despite his heavy cloak, emblazoned with the sigil of the First Sword on one shoulder. Upon reaching the door to the Demon Manor, he mounted the stairs, and again hesitated. "No going back, not that it was ever an option for me...? A half smile, of irony not of humor, graced his lips for just a moment. Going back was never an option, because it was never a desire. Drawing his cloak up about him, he hesitantly reached out and ran his hand over the grain of the door, before committing himself and taking the knocker in hand, and rapping it down thrice upon the wood.

Knightfall

Date: 2013-12-11 01:14 EST
Fiona heard the knock at the main door. She quickly got up from her desk and hurriedly walked to the door. She wondered who would be knocking, since most coven members came and went from all of the houses to visit and work alongside the other members. She hadn't ordered anything to be delivered today and the maintenance crews never needed to check in with her. A few minutes later, she reached the door and opened it.

Upon the first movement of the door, he dropped to one knee, head bowed. The cloak would provide minimal concealment, and midnight hued hair fell forward to obscure the rest. He had no idea who would answer, if any, but he'd set upon the most direct route to find her. He suddenly felt the full weight of the year he'd been absent; he'd had little else to think about on the walk here, opting for that rather than to travel through supernatural and more expedient methods. Brend had warned him, but wouldn't tell him anything specific. He knew how taxed the Autumn Lord had been by what he'd been through, and hadn't been able to tell him how long it had been.

He spoke softly, though audibly, "....I am," his head raised marginally, though he took no note yet of the individual before him, he was so wracked, "Lost....I come....bearing no ill will, and," he blinked, head raising further, "....am undeserving, yet....come seeking shelter, "finishing in a quiet murmur, more to himself than anyone else, and as an afterthought, "....this is the only home I've known."

It was a more common occurrence now for lost souls to come to Bristle Crios for refuge. At one time, Fiona went out looking for them, to give them a place to come to rest or even to find a home, but it had been a long time. After she found one particular lost soul, she stopped looking....As he began to speak, her buried memories began flooding back. She gasped softly as her hands came up and covered her mouth in reflex. She took a step back and stared with wide eyes. She began to feel herself tremble inside.

She kept looking at him silently for a moment, trying to decide if what she was seeing was real. She was trying to justify to herself that he was not standing there, that he was gone. It was the one small reality that she could always come back to - always be forced back to - that he was gone. She had tried to forget him. She blamed her myriad, Memoria, for not allowing her to erase her memories of him. She blamed him for leaving her. She blamed herself for being the reason he left. A year of blame, anger, pain, remorse, could all be summed up with one word. She lowered her hands slowly and forced herself to speak, though it only came above a whisper.

"Knightfall?"

Fiona ONeill

Date: 2013-12-11 01:16 EST
The Word shook him to the core.

He hadn't yet raised his head far enough to meet her eyes, and he froze as her whisper manifested. She was the only one who called him by his True Name, and such a thing gave a person....Power. His voice came out a hoarse whisper, "I once....found my salvation here, a woman," raising his head further still, though not yet seeing her face; he couldn't. He simply couldn't. Everything within himself, he'd thought fed to the fire within himself during his time within the Nothing of the vacuole, "...a woman," he raised a hand up to steady himself, overcome, his left hand finding the door frame, and golden wedding band catching the light from inside, "....my wife, saved me." His face finally raised fully, eyes opening slowly, shining green as a solitary tear cut a line down his cheek. He'd thought them all used up. She couldn't speak. It was slowly sinking in that this was really him, that he was really there in front of her, though she kept lying to herself to protect her heart. She reached out her hands to grasp his, her own wedding band still on her finger. She lightly pulled on him to get him to rise. She had so many questions and didn't even know where to begin. He rose, hesitantly, taking her hands in his as she grasped them, holding them tightly. He spoke softly, eyes never leaving hers, "Ask....what you will, anything. Hate me, if you will....if it's easier. Hit me, if you will....if," he wanted nothing more than to draw her into a tight embrace, if only for a moment. He'd lost everything to try to save someone else, he'd take one moment of her touch, if he had to steal it. "Everything that I am, is and has ever been yours." His gaze simply dropped for a moment as he almost lost his nerve before continuing, "I don't know....where to start." His gaze met hers again, "My family....needed me. And in trying to help them, I ended up being drawn away from the only family that ever cared for me."

His fingers squeezed hers unconsciously, almost as if to remind himself that he was really touching her, really talking to her, the her that...knew him. He looked as if he'd been struck, for a moment, "Time....I....couldn't find my way back, I didn't realize," a semi horrified look taking his features, as he barely managed to croak out a whisper, "I didn't realize....how long, I'm sorry Fiona." She didn't know why, but she was so scared. His words were enough to make her want to know more, know why. She still blamed herself for falling for him before. She blamed herself for falling for him now. She tried to stay focused. She knew if she let down her defenses for just a moment, he could so easily tear down her walls. She remained as stoic as she could, focusing on facts and truth, rather than her overwhelming emotions. Her main goal now was to learn the details of what had happened, but it would take time.

Knightfall

Date: 2013-12-11 01:19 EST
They couldn't stand in the door way indefinitely. She swallowed hard and said, "I would like to hear more" I would like to hear everything" We should go to the sitting room?" She was trying to choke through her words, hoping that he could understand.

He nodded, quickly, he wasn't entirely adverse to public displays, but didn't feel the need for one right now. Not if she'd offer an alternative. "Yes, of....of course.? Whether her words were choked or not, he would have understood; he could...feel her, somehow. Perhaps another allusion to the Myriae, perhaps something more. Her presence alone offered solace, it ever had.

Fiona turned and led the way to the nearby sitting room. She questioned herself, if she should even be listening to him, if she should even be talking to him. She had been through too much with him not to. She went in and sat down on the far end of a long sofa, offering an open sweeping palm to invite him to sit with her. She wanted him close, but she still needed space.

He hesitated, but quickly sat opposite her on the sofa. Trivial though it may be, his first reaction was to sit apart from her, to shield himself for what he felt he deserved. But the fiber of his being demanded otherwise, and so he sat turned towards her, with his eyes seeking hers. He didn't know if the room was warded, though knowing Fiona's appreciation of privacy, it was likely. No others could hear their conversation without making their presence known, and they would talk late into the night, until night was gone and day returned. And if she wasn't called away for something other than to rest, he would keep speaking, answering, explaining. The walk to the Coven had felt like an eternity. And he would spend an eternity making up for the time they'd lost, if he could.

When accommodations were offered, he would stay in the Demon Manor. He needed time as well as she did, but....he wouldn't want to spend it further from her than he had to. His old furnishings House Eternal beckoned him in an arcane way, but his heart was here, and always had been, with her. Being close to her, even in the same Hold was a balm; to visit where they'd been together, the bed they'd slept in together, and knowing even after talking to her - no matter how it went - how long it had been, would be to invite madness. By the end of it, he would feel more tired than when he'd first arrived here; if there was nothing left for him here, than he at least could give closure to the one he loved.

She deserved so much more, but he could at least give her that.

Fiona ONeill

Date: 2013-12-11 23:12 EST
Wishes

~~~

"I've wished for things and never really had the chance...It's time to stop dreaming and do something about it. You've got to know what you want, then...go." ― Deb Caletti, The Six Rules of Maybe

~~~

Fiona was in her office. She had spent most of her time there while he had been missing, but now she retreated there for a different reason. Since his return she tried to keep herself guarded. Part of her still felt as if it was a dream. Another part was afraid that if she let him in again, she would only suffer through her heartache again. She could not bare it again. Once was enough to kill her. She never thought she'd be grateful to be undead. They talked often since his return. Every night, it seemed. Their talks would put her behind on her work at some times, but it was a worthy excuse to her. They still weren't sharing a bed, even though they were still technically man and wife. It was just too soon. So, every evening after they'd spoken, both seemingly to the point of exhaustion....she would return to work, if only to finalize something she'd been working on earlier. Tonight was slightly different.

They hadn't had a chance to talk tonight, so she'd been able to get some things accomplished with her work. In truth, her efforts were still slowed, as her thoughts often drifted to him. He'd told her tonight he was going to walk around the city, just to....learn of everything. He knew she had work. He wanted to leave her undisturbed and learn of the changes that had taken place in his long absence. She didn't expect him to walk in when he did, a slightly mystified look on his face. He took several steps into her office, and forgot even to close the door behind him. His mouth moved silently for a moment, open and closing, as if searching for the right words and unable to find them. She sat, staring at him with concern in her eyes. She knew he was trying to say something, but her heart was sinking, afraid of what he might say or reveal to her now. Her mind raced each time he opened his mouth, fearing the words that wouldn't come. While he was out, did he learn that he needed to go again? In his walk, did he decide he no longer felt the way he did for her before" She couldn't handle much more.

Knightfall

Date: 2013-12-11 23:20 EST
"I felt it, you know..." his voice was barely a whisper. "As far away as I was....I felt it....no one else has....ever," he hesitated, "....it's not something....I've ever felt before." He had something in his hand, something small that was pressed between thumb and for finger, which rubbed slightly together as if drawing power and courage to say what he was saying from the miniscule item.

He moved towards her, and noted that she grew tense. He didn't care, it was something he had to do. He already felt so deeply ashamed of his actions that whatever was about to happen was a mere drop in the bucket. He knew she might not be ready for what he was about to do, it had been so long since they'd touched, really touched, in the way that....

Still approaching her, "In all the years..." thinking, "of my life, no one has ever made me feel what you do....not ever. I can't begin to tell you of the people I've lost, and how special they were to me. Living in the Nexus for me, at times in my youth has been....well....I've come to expect that something will draw me away, though I never know how long. Usually only for a month at a time. And during that time frame - a month, so short, so short now I see compared to...." he trailed off. His face was painted by shame....so much shame....

He was in some ways not the same man who had left her. Something had changed, within him. He'd always loved her. Always. But, the man who left had been....arrogant, even in his love. Full of himself. So sure that there was no way he could -lose-....and then control was taken from him, and he -did- lose.

"one month, it seemed such a long time when I was younger.....I would be forced to attend to business, and the Nexus.....it just....swallowed people up. Friends. Family. Entire lives. I started to think.....there was no point to it. To coming back. To trying. If in one month, everyone, everything you know can change, and you can't help being drawn away...." he looked down, for a moment. Despite his shame he had been looking her in the eye. Now it grew too much, so he looked away. Then forced his eyes back to hers. Something within him was stronger even than his great shame. When his eyes returned to hers, they were wet.

Fiona ONeill

Date: 2013-12-11 23:25 EST
"My wife."

Kristoph said the words softly, and with reverence. He was drawing closer to her, and she had turned to face him, but not yet risen. He dropped to his knees before her, closer now, and kneeling directly before her, hands finding the arms of her chair, bracing himself and looking up. "You....called me....by the name I was cursed by, but that I accepted for myself....and I felt it. I....couldn't get to you, and that is my failure. But....I felt it..." something hot and wet slid down his face. Tears. He hadn't been so free with them before he'd vanished to whatever hell he had been trapped in either. Now, to him at least, it felt like his emotions were a roaring whirlwind, so close to the surface, and her presence scoured away that little bit of reserve that would have kept him quiet on the subject... "I can never make it up to you, the pain that I've caused. Not ever..." She could see now what he held between his fingers. It was a small yellow ribbon. "But, I can't stop loving you....I never did, no matter....how it looked," tears more freely now, "In all the worlds that I've lived, all the lives that I've -endured-, alone....you are my wife; if I could take back everything else, and throw it all away....that is the one thing that I would keep." He wiped tears away now, he needed to be....more firm.

"Do you understand..." That in every....universe, that I have existed....the one thing that I need, is you. You give me such strength, such -faith-, that I have never known before you.....forgive me, not everything else, but this -one- thing I do now..." and he stood, slightly stooped, little yellow ribbon fluttering from his finger tips to her lap. His hands reached out, cupping her face in them as he leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against hers. It was the first time they'd kissed since he'd vanished. It wasn't how he envisioned it. But it was what he needed. And it wasn't even what he felt he deserved. Not with the great shame bearing down upon him. Fiona had been holding herself in reserve. She hadn't spoken. She wanted to let him say all that he needed to say, do all he needed to do. She closed her eyes and allowed his kiss to reach her lips, but restricted herself in kissing him back as deeply as she wanted to. As he withdrew somewhat, their lips parting, his eyes searched hers, looking for some way that he could tell her, but words, not even actions would ever be enough to explain, he didn't think. "I love you. Those three words are never enough, but....I love you.?

Knightfall

Date: 2013-12-11 23:29 EST
Kristoph stepped back, making his retreat. His actions no doubt shocked her enough. More shame. More shame that he would live with, forever, as long as that forever was always now with her.

From the doorway of her office, "....I would take you for my wife. Again and again. In this time, in every time before, and in every time yet to come. Across all the worlds I've ever been. Ever, been." He looked down a moment, then looked up, with a sad smile on his face and gave a little shrug, "No one, no thing, can ever steal my heart. Ever. Because I have no heart to steal. I gave it away, almost a year ago. And the truth is, it was never mind to begin with. I'd only been charged with it's safe keeping, though I didn't know it, until you found me."

He nodded, almost to himself, eyes down. He'd come and said what he needed to. One final time before he would turn, his eyes met hers. "I realize, I often seem sad....or angry....or....many things besides happy. I didn't realize before, I'm not sure if I could, until I realized how ....devastated I was without you."

"I love you. Then, now, and forever ever after. My Lady, my Fiona...my Fi..." he smiled then, and though it was sad because he couldn't not think about how stupid he had been to not simply try to explain to her so many things before....it was happy as well. It couldn't not be happy. He might not be as close as he had, but ....he was with her again.

He turned and headed back towards his room. It felt cold. Like a prison. But it was nothing compared to life without her.