Two days, two longer nights, after the dinner she went to go find him.
The drama that unfolded between Zehra and Van was something else for her parents to be distracted by....and ashamed of....
Well, she appreciated the displacement of her mother's scolding stare. She seemed to be the victim of it whether she left, or whether she stayed. Whether she listened, or rather *how* she listened, or disobeyed. She was tired of it. She wanted to see him. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to breathe him in and let his very presence bring a soul-deep solace. Though that was, perhaps, less of a conscious desire. She also just wanted to see him. To see his tawny skin in the sunlight. To try and figure out what that electric resonance was that hummed in her ears when she was near him. She wanted to feel it wind its way around her and settle in places she hadn't quite understood. Places no one had been, and no one but him would be. Ever.
So she ran. She sliced through the woods as quiet as she could while still running as efficiently as she could. Running with her wolf. She was a ruffled mess of knotted hair and frayed hems snagged on underbrush as she moved through the woods on unbeaten paths (she had to make it interesting at least), but she knew where she wanted to go. And she ...felt that it was the right direction. She wondered if it was the sea that started quieting her soul as she neared. She did love the ocean, she didn't go to it nearly enough, or as much as she wanted, when she was in their own city, but that was mostly due to it being dangerous and no one else finding it pleasing.
Here, there were quiet places harbored in the rocks. And there were trees. And she knew that he enjoyed the little coves and secret places. And that was what she wanted to find.
She dropped down into the sand, on one side of the rock he leaned up against.
"Hi," she said simply as Ruv slipped in from the other side to book-end him. Book-end him and go for a face-lick that demanded his immediate attention.
And Writ's immediate attention would be given in the form of a hard-returned nuzzle and nip at the air above the animal's muzzle. Writ's arm bent at the elbow and hooked itself around Ruv's scruff...fingers digging into his fur to scratch deep down against the skin beneath his dense coat- as natural and familiar a response as there ever was. Like he had invited them in the first place.
And...he did in a way. Hadn't he" When he gave her the drawing" Just...she didn't show up before the dinner...then left and never came back after the dinner...and...it left him a little dizzy- a little confused.
There were so many things Writ could read about her...but...she had to be close enough for him to do it...and...she hardly ever was. He'd felt them coming...and he was glad...a little surprised...but...also relieved.
Liv's heart swam in her chest as she watched him pet Ruv strongly, and affectionately. If she had to put a label on the feeling, in this moment, she would have been incapable of it. But it felt like the organs inside her body had become dislodged and were floating to inappropriate places.
He glanced at her from his stranglehold on Ruv. "Hi." he responded. Casually tentative with almost a question mark at the tail end.
"Hi!!!!" came a jovial shout from somewhere amidst the trees.
The swimming feelings on Liv's insides were only made worse, or perhaps better (") by the uncertainty in his greeting. She almost addressed it, then she had a little start, hopping an inch or two closer to him to accommodate the tree and the other voice into more of her view.
Writ smiled at the sound of his sister but continued to address Liv. "What brings you out here?"
Liv looked up and shaded her eyes to scan the trees. In the meantime, Ruv was precocious about the way he really wanted to get all up and under and into Writ's face and personal space. "Hi..." said Liv, almost as tentatively but once she realized who the girl probably was, she had an easy smile for her. But Writ pulled her back. He always would. "Oh.....I....It's kinda intense back there and....I ..." she pursed her lips. "I have been wanting to for a while I just....I wanted to ....see ....you," which was the honest truth of it. The meandering search for a different label for it really didn't seem all that efficient or useful, so she just said it.
His brow flared as a knowing nod met her mention of the chaos back in camp. "Yeah...um...Van is...Hm.." It was clearly weighing on him...but definitely didn't seem to be the only thing. He kept looking at her like everything that came out of his mouth might bruise her somehow.
He smiled though...and it was genuine..."I'm...glad to be seen.." There was still a question in the slight squint of his eyes as he regarded her.
"I don't know what he is but I know what Z is and ughhh," she groaned quietly and tilted her head back all the way in a sign of exasperation and utter surrender. She even stuck her tongue out just a little when she did it, because...that's how she felt about her sister.
His eyes followed her head as it fell back...watched her tongue creep out of her mouth in distaste...it made him smile a little wider. The animation of her...it just...it was so real and she existed so often in his mind as a dream that the notion of having her actually next to him...sorta spread through him like a brushfire.
When Liv re-aligned herself again she peeked up at him as if she wanted to see if she at the least amused him. Because he seemed.....sullen. Or....just....She smiled at his comment about being seen. There. That was a little better. She smiled at the morsel of vulnerability that was there.
"She's here cause of the drawings! Huh' Isn't that right?" Chaya shouted down at them from the perch of her tree branch- sunkissed legs dangling lazily in the cool breeze.
Chaya's interjection had stolen his admiring gaze back to the tree line with a withering glare of warning. What are you doing" Shutup. Just...let her talk to me. Stop interrupting. Your plan is working. You little evil genius that I love so much. Now shh.
Liv moved to speak when she was interrupted. Her eyes squinted some, like it felt funny having words stolen from her. She tilted her head, and instead of turning to Chaya she nodded to Writ. "Yeah, I suppose I am. I'm sorry. I didn't say thank you.....I got....they....they were so good that.....I don't really...I felt like I didn't even know how to say thank you. I can't do anything like that."
Eyes returned, the embers of frustration withering away with a soft hiss as they fell into the cool pools of her own- like he hadn't just been mind-yelling at his sister two seconds ago. "You get used to her.." he murmured into Ruv's neck...he had moved in between them and inserted it in front of Writ's face.
Then Writ peeked up at her from behind the wolf...and while his mouth was hidden by the sudden presence of the beast, you could tell by the sparkle and crinkle at the corners of his eyes that he was smiling...fully. "You're welcome...but...I'm sure that's not true. Everyone is good at something. You're...you're good with a knife...right?"
His smiling was contagious. Almost as if it hadn't been her plan to inspire him to do so. Whether she was pleased at herself or just....that smile. Even when it was hidden she felt it like sunlight, and it made all of her sunkissed skin warm. Eventually she looked up at Chaya and smiled in her direction. She couldn't see her perfectly clearly but it was good enough. She knew she was....seen. "Chaya...yes," she had known or heard, at least that night or in the aftermath, the name of his siblings, so she said the name like it was a different flavor on her tongue. "How old are you? Have you met my other sister?" she couldn't help but ask.
Chaya's descending form gave him the perfect opportunity. She scrambled down the trunk of the tree like a proper forest creature and came running towards them. "I'm...I'm 10!" she answered, panting with the exertion the sand beneath her plodding feet had instilled. "Esil-...esilaaiaayaa?"
Liv was a pile of laughter for the other girl, for the way she chanted her sister's name to the way she clamored out of the tree and ran at them full tilt. "I think she's almost ten, too. Ooh boy, you two would get along," making a silent notation of all the energy and thinking about the bouncing ball of trouble Esila was....and how she, herself, surpassed them both in trouble...combined, in her own way. She chewed her lip a second as she mentally compared the girls and wondering what girls were....
Chaya met her brother's eyes and wilted...plopping down into the sand next to him and mimed the zipping of her lips.
Then Liv looked back at Writ and the smile that touched his eyes as he, in a way, hid behind Ruv made her feel....naked. Exposed. She shifted a little and pursed her lips ...then he dragged her comfortably back into conversation, "Oh....well...yes..I can do lots of things. Like....I can walk on my hands....and I can do cartwheels and I can do...I can throw knives and skin animals and all that stuff but....I can't do something I can give you. Like art or...make you a knife ....I can leave some skinned rabbits," she laughed. "But that's weird. So....I...Also ...It made me ...happy and.........rabbits might make Ruv happy but..." she trailed off and brushed sand off her hands as she rubbed them together.
Yes you can. That flicker-shift in his eyes said. It was very brief. Replaced quickly by a mental-shake of his head. Calm down. He cleared his throat..."I mean a rabbit stew might be nice.." Writ decided to look away from her...thought that might be best...for now....
Liv asked "Do you know how to cook one?" It was said in a vaguely feminist sort of way. She was before it was cool to be. That was part of the whole problem. She grinned at him, but then also, pragmatically added, "Cause I mean.....we could make some on the beach one night. That'd be fun," inviting herself to a private campfire and any of those implications that she had no idea about. Not a one.
"Yes I...know ho—.." He was actually quite a good cook...but instead of being offended by her teasing, he appreciated her humor and gave her a soft Psh and an eyeroll that hovered above a now certifiable grin...cause...she invited herself. He glanced at his little sister and she nodded insistently. "You and I could...yeah...Chaya...hates rabbit stew though..." He smirked lightly at his sibling and she bared her teeth at him...which would have been quite menacing if it wasn't just plainly adorable.
"Who hates rabbit stew?" Liv frowned and there was a tone, and she teased but was she kidding" "Or maybe it's your rabbit stew she hates. Now this seems to be coming together..." like a jigsaw puzzle of past and present, personality and proclivities.
Writ continued..."Or whatever...you can do an acrobatic feat...that would be cool...not...that you need to repay me...I didn't...I didn't do it for that...but...you know." SHRUG. Crooked smile- a hand raked through his hair. Smooth....
Chaya snickered softly to herself and took some fruit from her pouch- popping it into her mouth like she was watching a play.
Liv watched him shrug and smile and ...his hair....a soft draft of his scent curled into the air....She hopped up onto her feet. Like it was a little too much all at once. But apparently it was still smooth because....he would get his request.
"Hmm. Do I know?" Liv thought aloud while she started rifling through her pockets, her boots, her pants....there was a small armory of 3 daggers and a slingshot on the ground between them before she shrugged an oops" at him with a smile that dripped impish charm— an apology for her willful delinquency.
Wirt laughed softly and brought his eyes back to the arsenal she turned out of her clothing...which made the decibels of his laughter a little higher. He stared at her in half-amusement and half-possession...like she had always belonged to him...with him...like she'd always been there. The familiarity of her almost made him forget that it'd only been a few weeks since she'd arrived...that this was only the fifth time they'd had any direct interaction.
After she finished emptying her pockets and spent one moment studying his features....Liv sprung back three times, hands over heels, and was walking her way back to them on just her palms. Which was getting more and more difficult as her long and tight, but not tight enough, tunic started creeping down her body. The gentle sweep of her spine started to shimmer in the sun. And just as she made her way to Chaya, it started to fall alarmingly.
Aware that Writ could see as she passed him, she bet at the middle with a controlled curl of her core and swung herself like a pendulum of crossed legs and dropped into a folded leg position in front of the girl. She was across from both of them, in between. Ruv raised one bushy brow, than another as he looked up at Liv....unimpressed. Olivia apparently had a completely different appraisal and put out her palm for a piece of fruit like she deserved a reward.
Then Liv turned her head to Writ to beam a toothy smile at him. "Maybe I can teach you to throw daggers some time, so it actually feels like I gave you something," obviously the notion of returning the favor meant a lot to her.
His eyes followed her stunt and he applauded her upon landing...as Chaya promptly shoved treats into her palm with cheers. "Maybe...though you already did give me something.." the lean in his voice was suggestive...even he could feel it. "...your acrobatics...I mean.." Not at all the slip of skin that had shimmied out of her clothing. No. Not that. He swallowed and stood up. Glanced away again. Water...to the water. Cold. Water.
Chaya waggled her eyebrows at Liv. What the girl was implying...she didn't even know...it was just a shadow of the transference shared between her and her brother. Whatever he'd been thinking at that moment, clearly deserved a brow-wriggle.
Writ left them on the sand bank and walked straight into the ocean- belly button high.
Liv popped some of the fruit into her mouth to lighten the load that was being heaped into her palm. She even threw a piece to Ruv who snapped at it and caught it. To be truthful, it was with a menacing quickness, but the way his dark tongue lolled and his eyes sparkled, he was still half a puppy. Liv leaned far to ruffle his fur and her smile was bright but lazy as Writ laughed. Eventually she sprawled out and flopped down to half lay upon the wolf and the sun-warmed sand while Writ spoke. The wolf's fur was getting very hot in the daylight but the soft heat on her skin was especially comfortable. However, Writ's tone had her curious, prickling adolescent senses, and she watched him walk away with a thick curiosity.
"I don't hate rabbit stew...not even his rabbit stew...he just said that cause he wants you out here aloooooone. Oooooh..." Chaya teased...the ridiculous wriggle she loved to wield prancing along its favored ridge.
Writ couldn't hear her...gratefully...and he sank a little further into the water with closed eyes...letting the cold de-escalate the situation. He stayed there, facing the horizon. Beads of water dotting his back and the spray of it slicked his hair to his neck.
Liv half rolled to face Writ but the sun was so bright she closed her eyes for a moment before repositioning into another cross legged sit. Always responding to the next step he took, she preferred to keep him in her line of sight.
Liv couldn't stop the creeping smile on her face at Chaya's insinuation. She tried to catch her lip in her teeth, she wished she could have just leaned down and hugged Ruv and buried her face in his fur but that just wasn't going to work. She wasn't exactly going to blush, or maybe she was" She was exceptionally grateful that Writ wasn't sitting right here when the girl had said it. But it was worse when she looked over at him, glistening in the sun. His shoulders.....She focused on Ruv and laughed quietly and pet Ruv a little too aggressively. He made a pleasant sort of groan in protest and rolled over, even baring his belly a little to be pet and ruffled.
Liv continued on the topic of acrobatics...."Eh, I mean, I guess people pay for a show. That's what we do. Which I thought was weird but you people are more weird sometimes," clearly indicating their sibling antics, his actual people, and his walking away. "By the way," this inspired by Chaya and her cheering, "sand is a good place to practice that stuff. I can show you some things before I go.....But you have to promise you don't hurt yourself, or just do it only when your brother is around." She glanced over at Writ and was quite jealous of his going into the water....if he stayed there much longer....she considered how she could make a swim possible all things considering.
Chaya looked clearly pleased by Liv's suggestion...then puzzled...then pleased...but puzzled. The expressions popping back and forth on her face like a game of hot potato.. Yay!...then...But......Writ could feel it creep up his spine...felt the dread rise as the next few words toppled out of Chaya's mouth. "Go" Go where" You mean after your wedding?"
Liv was all "Mm..."s and she didn't really think about the scene playing over the girl's face as it did. But she attributed some of it to the nature of her own squirming. But then it stopped. Comedically. A record scratch in the conversation, "Huh?" And the lack of elegance to it, the asymmetrical raise of her brows was quick, a lightning crash on her features. Then....it began to soften. This was not due to time, but because something about those words made too much sense. The air was heavy the connections she began to make between scenes that flashed in her mind from the past month she had been in this new place..
Chaya stared at Liv in innocent query. Completely unaware of the can of worms she'd just opened. Writ's shoulders slumped and a knot formed in his throat as he turned slowly from the water to look at her. Chaya hadn't known that she...that after the dinner...that Liv still didn't know...and as angry as he wanted to be at her for blurting it out...he just couldn't...instead...he just felt ashamed he hadn't been the one with enough guts to tell her himself...just another secret-keeper in a long line of deceivers.
"Uh oh..." Chaya exhaled...and looked past Liv to see the solemn face of her brother coming closer as he emerged from the water at a deliberately slow pace. Like someone not wanting to spook a wild animal. "I'm sorry...I ...I didn't know... Didn't they.....that you and Writ..." the girl sputtered.
Writ had silently made his way back to them, standing a few feet behind Liv. "Chaya.." he said softly. His sister turned her chocolate brown eyes to him— they were swimming with tears. "Don't...cry...just...Go on, goodlo...go home." his pet name for her an assurance that she wasn't in danger of incurring his wrath. Had he had any to spare for anyone else other than himself and her family. Even his parents...though it wasn't really their place to have told her...certainly Dat at least...and Nisha...were under the assumption that she'd been told something.
Chaya turned her wide eyes back to Liv and shook her head back and forth...like she could shake her guilt from her face. "S-...sorry.." she whimpered...before running off.
Writ watched the gold fleck of her in his mind make her way through the trees and back to camp...standing in silence for a short while before his tongue attempted to form her name..."Liv...I.."
Vaguely, somewhere far away, a part of Liv wanted to comfort Chaya. The girl had seemed so upset it hurt her heart. But the problem was that at this moment, in this moment, Liv was almost certain that she had no heart. That she was hollow. The sensation made it impossible to speak, the emptiness crawling up her throat to sit there and softly strangle her.
Slowly she felt heavier. Much heavier as connections became realizations, and realizations became acerbic resignations. She should have known. She should have seen. The ground seemed to want to greet her, and so did Ruv. The wolf righted himself and crawled closer, nudging her knee and her hand, as if he was suggesting her to get comfortable or to wake up from her thoughts. She did.
She slowly turned back to Writ as Chaya ran off. Her legs unfolded and wrapped around her in her slow side-sit on the warm sand. "They're just going to leave me," she said solemnly, like she was given the answer to a riddle she had been working on for a long while.
She looked up at Writ and the way her chest heaved she had to stifle an urge to leap up and embrace him. She wanted, no, she needed to be close to — She wanted to throw her arms around him and bury her features in the crook of his neck. She wanted him to protect her from her thoughts. From her family. From the looming sadness. "They're going to leave me?" her pale eyes peered into him and pleaded for the answer to this question that her whole body needed an answer to.
A small portion of her heart broke, and the soul-tugging echo of that soft implosion rung in her ears with the pattern of her heartbeat. It seemed to ring in Ruv's as well, he moaned quietly and nudged her, but she paid him no heed. "I see..." she said, looking at but through Writ. Still not seeing all of the pieces, and not placing him in them just yet....
"I...I don't know what their plan is...I just...we all did this so wrong....I'm....I'm so sorry.." He took a step towards her but almost immediately took it back...his muscles coiled in the retraction like a plea. Comfort her, they demanded. A brief image of their fingers nearly touching and the lack of breath that followed it reminded him of why he couldn't. "Not like this." He said....unsure if he was talking to himself or to her...or about touching her...or marrying her...or...what. What" "Can I...can I walk you home?"
The words were like velvet, she wanted to wrap herself in them and hide in them. His voice as like Ruv's ruff, she wanted to let it take away this enormous weight and this sinking, empty feeling in her entire body. When he took a step forward her body leaned towards him as if preparing to....and when he retreated she audibly sobbed and it took her by such surprise she covered her mouth, and then she covered her eyes with her forearm as the tears started streaming down her cheeks. She didn't want him to see her cry like this.
The sound of her cry cut straight through him. Gutted him. He felt the other pieces of himself collapse around whatever part of him it had dissected and he was somehow...suddenly...less.
"I," she choked, "I need a second...I...." she tried to push away her tears but they kept replacing themselves. "I ....I didn't even say goodbye to Emre....I knew that something was wrong and nobody.....everybody...." she laughed awkwardly, and bitterly just once, shaking her head.....
"Your dad after dinner....he...he told me...asked...me...if I'd allow.." the word itself made him close his eyes and turn his head away...but he repeated it...because that's how her father had asked...and he refused to be a coward anymore than he already had been. He would always tell her the truth...even if it killed him. "...allow your brothers to visit...I...if you...I mean...I'm not.." He brought his eyes back to hers and held his hands up. "I'm not like that, Liv...I...I swear...allow.." he spat the word out and winced at the taste it left behind. "If you wanted to stay...I mean."
It was too much. Her head swirled and swarmed and ran around pieces and portions of stories and conversations and.....she had this strange feeling like she knew they had already left. What better timing, what better way to hide all these small shames, as her mother would see them, than just avoiding this last little scene with her" This idea caught in her mind, burying in like a splinter, but so did the injustice of it. So did the mental, desperate grasp at reasons things had to be like this— her brothers....where were they' Why had they let this happen" She was sad and angry all at once. They all knew. They all knew. There was a sweet release of her emotions in a pang of anger, anger and a bitterness for the simple clarity she had for the capacity to do such a thing. Her mother. Her father. But even then....she didn't want to be here...among strangers..among.....
...Her blue eyes saw him after fading away from the moment. Her mind wrapped around the words he said,—she caught up in a slow replay of the sounds of him back to herself. To consciousness. The place her heart had been throbbed with a desire to console him, to....
"I...I know, .....Writ. I know," she wondered how many times she had said his name to him. She swooned with the syllable in her mouth like it was an incantation she had no right to utter. "I....I ....mean....I don't know anything, I guess. I don't know but I know you ......I know you ...I mean..I think you....You aren't ..." then she kind of laughed at herself, at the moment, a strange transition into another thought...."I'm sorry," she slowly formulated in a strange, hazy empathy.
She wanted to ask him how long he knew, she wanted to understand, she wanted to say she knew he wasn't like that but...what was he like" She understood now what Vai was. Why Emre had said goodbye the way he did, the way she felt they didn't say goodbye. She wanted to console Chaya. She understood some comments Zehra had made. She dove into herself, "I....I feel like I can't breathe but at the same time I feel like I never had to to begin with....or like I don't remember how..." the tears came but her body didn't move. Just tears. Just tears.
Writ's brows scrunched together and he shook his head in disbelief..."Liv you...God...you really shouldn't.." The step taken. One more foot of distance removed. Forgotten. Be brave...face it. Whatever it is. Comfort her. Her pull on him tempted him forward. "Don't apologize...for...anything...you've...done nothing...and I mean nothing...wrong ...or anything worth apologizing for. Please. You aren't to blame here."
"Shouldn't....?" shouldn't what" That word. Always something for her, and something rarely said among their people but....she wanted to climb inside his thoughts and know what he meant....because her own were so uncomfortable. And because she wanted to feel close to something. Perhaps anything. But especially to him. Just because in this moment she felt so far away from herself didn't mean that he didn't create a torrent of yearning in her.
There was something resonant and hazy about this, this mirrored and shared infinite desire to console, and to grab ahold of time and justice and....she dared to want him to feel her. She dared to desire him to fill the awful emptiness this created. "I know..." she said quietly, looking up at him.
He reached out a still damp hand and swiped his thumb across the path of a tear that rolled down her cheek.
"Don't cry.." he pleaded...like it hurt him just as badly. That familiar thrumming in his chest kicked at his sternum like a bass drum. He'd made contact with her...and though it was glazed in the salt of her eyes he could feel it made all of him go weak...but...he was still standing...so...maybe it wasn't as extreme as he'd recalled...maybe he imagined it"
She felt and she knew....but....the helplessness. A feeling she would fight against with every fiber of her being for the rest of her life. She needed both freedom and agency. And this despair had robbed her of both. So, his genuine concern, from how he consoled her....a nearness she had not known before from anyone but Emre....But it felt like he really could unfurl inside of her and fill the places that were empty. That had just become so but other places that had always been........it crept through her. An insidious hope and desire to understand and surrender to it....It slunk down her veins and her nerves. How she wanted that. Simply. Purely. Utterly. In his moment of weakness she had a moment of self-efficacy.
On acrobat's limbs she stood. It was swift and gracefully willful and inspired. Possessed. Another pair wrapped around the back of his neck and she kissed him. She held him in her arms and she kissed him as though that could convince him to hold her in his. She breathed a timid but radiant sigh against his mouth and it carried with it a nearly obscene whimper and warmth past her parted lips. She lent him some of her weight in the gentle, perfect swoon she felt as she did this. He blocked out the entire world in an eclipse of her consciousness. Just him. Just him. And the desire for just him enveloped her like a wave that she felt overcome her and knew that she wanted to replace all the turmoil in her. It pulled her under completely. She swam in that bass beat of his heart, she considered surrendering to that, too....perhaps if she stopped breathing she could make their heartbeats thrum in time with each other. What part of this had he imagined" He was right.
Nope. No. There it was. She crashed against him figuratively harder than the waves breaking on the shore behind them. Swallowed them both by encircling his neck with her arms. Her desire...his own...flooded him. Pulsated through every vein and lit him completely on fire. His hands immediately went to her waist and under the weight she leaned into him, he stumbled backwards in the sand until his back gently found purchase against the rock she'd found him seated at when she'd arrived. His mouth melted beneath hers. Pressed soft yet hungry for the sound that broke passed her lips. Happy to drown...in their breath..— Writ's eyes, that had fallen nearly shut in the heavy intoxication of her touch, flew open and he stared at her...still attached at the lips. "Uuhh....Liv?" He winced at the tentative sound in his voice and sort of....rolled his shoulders back to break the circuit of her arms...hands still on her hips but safely above the fabric of her tunic. "Are you.." He drew a long breath. One his body had been starving for...apparently. Even touching her through cloth was dizzying...but at least he could breathe. "...you ok?"
She had nothing to compare it to. Perhaps the stories women tell or the chatter of girls in their private coteries romanticized things in a way that could never be met. Stories and expectations that were not real. Experiencings always out of reach. But not for them. Not here. Not wrapped in the gentle sonnets of his thoughts, and hers, and the weighted warmth of his bare arms....Home.
She kissed his mouth reverently and possessed at the same time. It was delicate but it was thick with new desires and old wounds. And whether it was heavy with fate, or heavy with a secret obsession she had been harboring for weeks....or with hope...did it matter" Did it matter that a consoling hug may as well be a consoling kiss" Did it matter that they were gone" Did it matter that there was no one left to betray her or abandon her" Only —
She opened her eyes in a blink of pale lashes. A flutter of sanity and something more familiar. Of course. Of course. She frowned and wriggled her shoulders and squirmed her arms to get away from him. To put distance between them. The question was so absurd how could it not be rejection' No. She wasn't ok. She shook once, in a wave, like she could fling the want of him from her skin and onto the sand like something sticky.
...So it wasn't all right to be not ok here. A lurch of her stomach made her swallow hard. "No. No. I'm not ok." and she turned to scoop up her things off the sand.
"W-w-wait. Liv. Please.." he moved around her and the wolf turning to face her every time she bent and turned away, his hands still held up like...like what? Like he was concerned she thought he'd taken advantage of her" Like...an assurance that he wouldn't touch her again. "Don't go. Don't leave mad...I'm...sorry...I just.." He really didn't know what to say. She surprised him. He didn't anticipate it and...then the whole.. feel like I'm drowning...thing...happened and he mostly just wanted to know if she'd felt it too. If he was crazy.
She had started crying again. Inside her it felt like the last grasp for something floating by had drifted out of her reach and she knew that actually drowning was just a matter of time. And now she just rather do it alone.
"I'm not mad...I,...Ruv," the wolf had sat up but now he was scrambling to his feet. She was maneuvering around him nimbly, collecting herself. She didn't want to look at him again. It was, perhaps, an honest just ...miscommunication. They would have more. But right now, she didn't know what she wanted or where she would be or what was hers or where she would rest her head or if she'd ever have anyone in her life again. Nor did she know whether she was a prisoner or whether she had already been abandoned.....it seemed pretty clear that he had no intention to be any solace. Nothing. Nothing but confusion and one more person who— She even smiled bitterly at herself. A particular sort of self-pity coming in a sickening rush. And even if pride did not lurch at the rejection, both physical and emotional, it slammed on emotional armor that would not let her be abandoned again. Nor allow him to be a spectator of her misery. Maybe she had misread him. Maybe she had misread herself. But this was a decision of necessity. A gamble of protection.
"Did you feel that' That's...is it always like that...for you?" Writ sighed heavily. He could see by the way she was snatching things up that he wasn't making things better. "Please...let me at least walk you back to camp.."
"What the....what are you— just leave me alone. Go do whatever you want....I'm not staying here. You have nothing to ..I don't need anyone to walk me anywhere."
He stopped moving. His hands fell to his sides. After a quiet appraisal of her words...and the wolf that would certainly be enough to protect her...he shook his head once and quietly responded with a rasp of defeated resignation. "No. Of course not."
Writ swallowed thickly and backed away from the pair of them...three...four...five steps...before finally turning his back and walking away...not to the treeline...not back to camp...along the shore....deeper into the darkness that fell around them as they had struggled for breath. Of course not. How could he have thought for even a second that she had changed her mind"
The injustice of it all itself gave her plenty of reason to flat out hate him. Let alone see the possible worth of staying. He couldn't prevent her from leaving...couldn't force her to listen or understand. He couldn't force her to do anything....ever. He'd never lie. He'd never push...no matter if it was what he wanted. She would have to choose it. Choose him. And most clearly...he would never...ever...touch her skin again...if he could help it. There just wasn't a way to know what she meant and didn't mean...what she wanted and didn't want when they were caught up in that vortex. It was too powerful...too much. All...too much.
She would only make it a few hundred yards into the treeline before the heart-wrenching sob that she was holding, fluttering in her throat like the last bastion of her child's heart, croaked out of her mouth and made her crumple to the soft forest floor. He would have thought it was withdrawal" A mis-attribution of the experience of their nearness" Like this was their fate" Like it was just stars and DNA?
Unlike the next time this happened, Ruv came up close to her and nuzzled her and pushed her gently. Like he could persuade her to go on to the camp. To fire. To him, eventually.
It would get dark....But Liv knew better: it would always be dark. There was no where to go. Well, there was no one waiting for her to arrive. And apparently, she didn't know how to tell the difference between someone who wanted her to stay, and someone who didn't.