Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I awoke next to her again, she was laying faced down facing away from me. The sparse light reflecting off of her hair held my attention for some few minutes before I moved it to better see her face. I noticed them again, fine scars that lined her skin. Their intervals are too regular not to mean something. Perhaps it is time that I ask her.

The dream came again, I am sure that was what woke me, but I never seem to remember the events in it. It didn't end with the scream this time though, surely that would have woken "jira, and I wouldn't have had those moments to watch her sleep.

The events of last evening's council meeting were temporarily driven from thoughts. The news of this man who died struck heavily on both Raye, and Rachael. My heart goes out to them; I know loss, so much of my life seems steeped with it. Perhaps that is part of my fear regarding this relationship I have started. What will she do if he comes back" What will I do' The answer is obvious to me.

The decisions of last evenings meeting have given me pause. To easily were offers of help swept aside in favor of unknowns. More and more I believe that the wolves have taken up guardianship of the sheep. The weapons for Ebon will be provided, but there will be much anger within me if the efforts we have put forth to provide a safe haven for the people of Rhy"Din are put asunder by political infighting. I hate to believe that there might be corruption so high up in the local council, but my eyes are not completely blind to the possibility.

These thoughts are too heavy to leave inside, there is hope in me yet that the right thing will be done, however I will not sit by and let the city tear itself apart from the inside out. If a firm hand is required, there are people that can be approached I'm sure.

Kruger read through what he had written, and then tore the sheet from his journal crumpled it and deposited it in the fire. "Some thoughts are too dangerous to be allowed access to.?

Saturday January 14, 2012

The room is empty. I missed the gate closing by several hours. I was tempted to jump the wall and make my way to the little cottage, but the assurance of the guard here that "jira was well when she passed though has led me to come back to the Inn tonight. I know she doesn't mind, but there is in me a feeling like I depend overmuch on her generosity. A solution to this feeling of being in limbo must be found. I want to be where she is, but I need her to know that it is she that I want not what she can provide me. An idea strikes me, a simply wonderful proposition. I look forward to seeing her even more now.

Rachael and I attended a meeting tonight she gave up a night of duels to attend. I did as well, but there are distinct differences between what she gives up and what I do. My stake there is low for now. I have been playing at duels; the field opened late for me, so there is not much chance that I will have enough opportunity to go very far in this cycle.

There were many people at the meeting. Their open hostility towards what she stands for brought the ire from me. The people present all say they have the interests of the people. How did they decide on us" The very thought vexes me even now. Some offer up things too easily. This Emberclaw who stood and spoke, seemed passionate enough. I will speak with him again on the morrow.

I offer nothing more than what I can learn from the patrons. I also offered to fight as needed. This is nothing more than should be expected of every citizen though. Trust must be earned! So many were ready to condemn the watch; I know there are bad seeds there, but I believe Rachael is to be trusted. Her story of a commander who went into a forced retirement intrigues me. I find it to be more evidence against someone higher in the government. True there are many reasons that an official can have to look the other way. If this is the result of pressure being applied outside of the government then we should find those involved and take them down.

This is not a pleasant prospect for me. In order for this to work it has to fall from the top down. That means that those on the streets will continue to do those things that have brought the guardians together. Just the thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Measures have been taken to insure her s safety. It is this which has made me reconsider my earlier objection to CaelMal of open wearing of badges. To whom would she turn if there were not a clear presence of The Guardians? We need to maintain a presence for the people to be able to turn to us and cry for aid. There are mixed feelings here for me. If the badges are open they can be copied. Emberclaw has already assured us that they can't be stolen and worn. This won't stop a person from making a fake. I think perhaps we can make the badges react to each other. I will suggest this tomorrow.

Kruger read through the written words, it had been a mistake to name so many in this private sorting of his thoughts. The pages of his journal seemed to be dwindling often. How many times had he done what he was about to' He had lost count. The page was torn away, and fed to the fire. A summary inspection of what did lie inside the book revealed many things. Drawings of weapons and armor, thoughts on advantages of other metals over the highly prized and expensive Mithril were all throughout the journal. There was even a page on the effectiveness of adamantine in crossbow tip making. These were the thoughts people would expect from a blacksmith, so these were the ones he kept.

Sunday February, 19th 2012

I met with another smith today, Miranda Branson. She seems capable, and she is the first of a list that I am working my way through. I did not anticipate my current load, nor have I been able to factor in the time spent on my patrols. She seemed open to working with me, so when I finish here I will send a few letters explaining the situation. I am trying through avenues that are complementary to involve more of the community with the forming of our defenses. I hope that the Governor will understand what I am up to. In my heart I think she will. She managed to move me through and around quite nicely in our meeting. I admire her spunk, or am I just remembering the way she kissed me at the Star's End. It had been for charity, I tried to be respectful of her position, preserve her decorum. The last thing she needs is a photo in the gossip rags. She however showed me that I am not the only one that has a passionate side. I don't believe there are feelings towards me; perhaps it was a message that I must puzzle my way through.

Still no sign of Raye around lately. Reap says I shouldn't worry about the elfess, but I do. Am I just a glutton for punishment' I won't get all pasty with you, because what would that really serve since you are me and I already know. I miss her though; she has that aspect that lets people know that if something is going to happen, you need only look to her direction to see what it could be. I am going to walk a little further on my next patrol. Maybe I can spot her near a shoe store buying some more ankle breaker heels. How the hell does she always look like she is walking on clouds in bare feet wearing those things"

I went to the city early today. I left "jira to sleep, my head is killing me today. I don't know how much longer this can be kept inside me. I can see her look at me expectantly; she knows that the flood is coming. It always does. I grow closer to her every day, if I had my way the danger would be long passed. At the least my part in the goings on would be ended. I found myself in a strange store the other day. I covered with a fake story about needing my seal repaired. The Jeweler looked at me strangely. I can't consider this seriously yet; I haven't even discussed this with her. We are still so new together.

I feel like there are eyes on me sometimes, just over my shoulder watching me as I work. I am sure it is just me being nuts, what could I have done to deserve scrutiny' Nothing that I can see, I am just a store owner, a shopkeeper. I guess this could have something to do with the patrols. I am probably fabricating the feeling because there are still so many that we haven't brought in on that notice board. We will go with that.

I haven't written Bel in weeks, I try but my hand shakes too much. I won't feel comfortable with it until I have made recompense for my insult. Like she said, my gut will tell me what to do.

The little journal is left precariously on the mantle until the door closes and it drops to the floor roughly a pace away from the heat. The pages open to his last entry.

March 16 2012

My life and attitude lately seems to be enshrouded by guilt. I feel it for letting "jira travel without me. I feel it to my friends who wonder what is happening while I drown myself in alcohol. I haven't let this affect the forge yet, but I am sure that is just a matter of time. Admissions are difficult; I refuse to admit anything to anyone yet"wait that is not true, I admitted something to Raye the other day. I am not sure she fully understood what I meant with my apology, but she was present and in a state, I find it hard to bear when she is so distraught. Maybe I should refrain from attending any sessions of the arenas. Would that ease her"or just me" Moot question because I cannot stay away, the thought that I might be needed and not be there is already killing me in one regard. I don't know if I could live with myself if I allowed my own unburdening interfere with helping a friend.

I stay drunk a lot now. There I said it"well okay I wrote it but it is as much the same thing. I think there are a few who believe it to be an outside influence in the form of a large cowboy hat wearing individual. Sorry Reap, I never thought that you would be implicated in my debauchery. The problem lies with the length of time that I have known these people. I know every one of them would gladly listen to my story but gods" damn it I am not ready to talk to anyone! At least not anyone that I have access to, sorry again Reap.

Taneth has come around to me quite a lot recently. I get the feeling she wants something"no that isn't right"I get the feeling that she needs something from me. I am not entirely sure she knows what it is though"I will help her if I can'that is what I do after all. I hope she figures it out soon though, she seems very conflicted lately. Then again maybe I am just pushing my own flaws onto her. Time will tell.

Qwen took me to a new place; one I don't think has ever been trodden by the races of the lower planes. She is an interesting individual. I daresay that she is quite striking, in a deadly sort of way. She really does know how to bring the house down though that is for sure. Sorry if that is cryptic, I am never sure who watches and who merely looks. She has some interest in me, this I consider fair, because I have some interest in her as well. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement together and share what we need.

Nayun won her challenge. Sorry I don't say this with more excitement, what I saw was a good fight. My heart though is torn between the two fighters. How does one hope that both fighters win" I stayed away until I could take it no longer, then I kept to myself upstairs as I watched. Her seizure like episode upon winning has me concerned. She hasn't been around for training; the door to the tower is locked against me. This is probably to be expected though; Sifu said she sleeps, does that mean she doesn't wake or am I just being paranoid again? Sifu has picked up my training, but only twice a week. Her interest still seems indifferent, even more so lately but I believe she worries over Nayun more than she lets on. I ask her always when I see her to give my regards to Nayun. I honestly miss her silent presence, and her pushing me to do better. I wish I could find that goal she tries to coach me into, but my goal and hers are not the same. What will she do now for a goal" Perhaps when she finds that she will return to me"I know that sounds strange to come from me, she is young enough to be my daughter. If this was more than a simple yet strange friendship that statement would make me feel dirty. No worries I don't feel that, I simply have grown used to her silent yet observant presence.

Rachael" I seem to have strained this relationship"I am sorry; it is difficult to please everyone. How can I be who I am though if I am unwilling to give a chance to those around me" Ebon has put it best about me, that I champion unwinnable causes. The stress I believe is my new association with the Adennites".Adennians".not sure which is right. I am not really sure what I feel from her, it seems to fluctuate between hurt, anger, and fear"this is simply my interpretation of it. I suppose that the lack of knowledge is my own fault. I could ask her what is going on and I am sure she would answer"I am kind of afraid of the answers, so I am procrastinating. True I usually face what I am afraid of head on and quickly. Easy to do when it is life or death; but when it becomes live and live on. When you know that the words very well could place a wedge between you and a friend"and then you just have to deal with it".this I am not willing to face so quickly. Does the straining bother me" Of course it does"but better to be strained than to be separated permanently"isn't it' Why can't we just forgive the trespasses of others"or make a concerted effort to understand the decisions that make us angry"

Raye' I told you it always comes back to her"I enjoyed the day we awoke on the couches in the outback"the rest of my thoughts do not belong here though.

It was one of the few days he went to the cottage, Kruger couldn't help himself. He stayed away to preserve that smell that was uniquely S"jira. The missing her pulled him here a couple of times a week, and this is where he kept his journal. That there were several empty liquor bottles surrounding the journal made him wonder when he had been here last. He couldn't really recall the last time. He gathered up those bottles and tidied the place a little, making sure to leave it just as she had. The organization of items in the place was as much a tie to S?jira as the smell that hit him when he opened the door.

April 7, 2012

I have been neglecting you, fear not though I have been conveying thoughts to someone at the least. I believe it is time for me to talk to myself for a little though. There are things you say, and then there are things you say only to yourself. My life has twisted out of control, and is only now becoming more normalized. I am still lonely but the night is the place I feel it most. You already know that, for it was you who warned me. How long will I hold this hope that 'jira will return to me" I need to write her another letter soon. How often will she wish to read my pathetic feelings for her"

I sold Andrea a Katana, it brightened a dark place in my head for a while as I watched her play with it. This was some time ago, but I figured you would want to know. Reap has gone and returned from somewhere. He will speak on it when he wants me to know. Aurast, I have been training at the same gym he does. I honestly think I have lost a few pounds over the past couple of weeks.

Rachael has a new student in fists, Shadow does very well for himself. I still don't know what keeps me from letting her help, but she is still my friend. I may pay a visit to the tower soon. I was given the Ring of Klytus too. It will take me some time to learn how to use it.

Raye' I told you it would come back to her. She has been great, I took her to Adenna. It is she that has been getting my thoughts lately. I will continue to do so if she is willing to read them. I don't really know how long she wanted me to do this for. I would be able to drink again tonight...I don't know that I should.

May 12, 2012

I am here still, thought I have been a absent with you as with those whom I call friend. Hammer still works with me daily on my little project in the forest. Well I work, he runs around chasing squirrels. He never runs too far though, he is very loyal. Much has gone on since last we spoke, you and I. Perhaps I should say me and I. I have gained some rank at the outback, the fighters get tougher but if I am to push forwards and gain emerald that is to be expected. I wonder if the opal ranked fighters are ready for what I am going to be bringing to the table. I haven't let on to anyone except for Robin and Nord. I trust they are not speaking on the matter, as they have always been in my corner.

S"jira is still among the missing. Optimistically I say to myself I feel her coming closer, but my head knows this is a lie designed by my heart to keep me able to function on a daily basis.

What did you say' What happened in that underground forge" Greatness is all I can say right now"I don't know how to form the words for what Ahnika and I did down there. I will come back to that another day.

I still have a few trust issues going on with The Guardian's. I am sure it is my problem, my own feelings towards super secret organizations is something that boils in me just below the surface. We who face the people daily on the streets through our patrols are the bread and butter defense of the community. I don't need a hero, better to step up and say NO on my own terms. There will never be a threat to the community that I will not fight until my body lies broken and lifeless. I am not alone in this. Dammit I need to back away from this subject. Why are you making me talk about this"

The quill breaking in his grip signaled the end of today's journaling session. The deep breath spoke of his frustration with the line of thought. He pushed away from the table leaving the journal open and visible, something he never would have done before. Those eyes that had been feared before were now welcome, and understood. Today was the day, he made ready to see Issy?no he went to see The Judge.

(Taken from live play between Shai and Kruger)

The journal sat before him on the table, it had been some time since he had it out last. The quill in his hand had hit the inkwell once and the quiet scritches could be heard in the room. Shai was half listened for, the rest of his mind focused through the nib on the quill.

Belglade yearns to be finished she practically trembles in anticipation and complains when progress is halted because of darkness or a problem much like this afternoon. One of the bolsters on the balcony had sunk into the earth after the rain. It came down on the scaffold striking Antonio on the hand. He'll be fine but I sent him and his brothers away to get him to the healers. I would say he has at least one broken bone in there.

Leaving the front door of the house open as she finally came inside, it had begun to rain earlier but as hot as it was, Shai had remained in the garden, finally finishing up the repotting. "Mon amour, are you upstairs?" Called out as the smack of her barefeet could be heard along the tiled floor, but she wasn't going up quite yet. Fractionally chilled, but a sweaty mess nonethless. "Do you need anything?" Voice reaching from the kitchen. His head came up at the sound of her voice, a small grin creeping onto his lips as she strode on by him. "In the dining room Shai. Is there any lemonade left?" He turned back to the page before him, and concentrated on what he was intending to say.

The foundation is strong, but there are a few places that need to be sealed properly. This is problematic in the rainy season. In fact the season seems to have gone on longer than usual this year. I wonder if that is significant. The cost on some of these issues though is mind boggling...I have done my best to keep costs down. Doing much of the work myself has helped but for something of that nature I need men who know their business. I want it done right, so I will ask around for....Noises in the kitchen attracted his attention.

The glass of lemonade had just been sipped from and dark eyes landed on the empty container. A grin to that, as well to the fact she hadn't seen him there chalked up to the lateness of the day and shadows. "Mhm, yes....nice and cold in fact..." About to pour half into another glass, she thought that to be ridiculous and made her way into the living room. Somehow, someway, as sweaty and dirty as she was, grace was maintained as it seeped from her pores and she carried a half grin aimed directly at him. "You were hiding from me, mon amour...in the darkest of corners...just waiting....to pounce..." A thousand possibilities, they seemed to dance along every one of them and the glass handed to him there. "I am going to take a bath...I smell like....well, I smell..." More of an importance to leave him to his dealings in private.

He blinked a few times at that grin, he wanted to know what was behind it. Wanted even more to deepen it, to draw it out into other places. He took the glass from her hand, making sure touch was given in the passing. A raised finger, a long soft stroke and a deepening smile for her. "I wasn't hiding love; the darkness was the result of your absence." He sipped at the liquid, satisfied with the tartness of it and savoring the coolness. He set it down and reached for her arm in an attempt to get her to sit in his lap. "Mon amour you could never smell so bad I wouldn't want to..." he let his words trail off knowing she would understand where he was trying to go.

When he smiled, Shai reached to him, thumb pad giving the spot beneath his eye a caress that was becoming almost a ritual between them. It was part of him, more so than perhaps either of them realized as a whole. He catching her off guard at times, the things he said to her embedded so deeply. His attempt a success, she sunk not only into his lap, but her arms were instantly slinking around his neck, lips finding her spot along his jaw line. "I believe we could each hide in the farthest depths of the woods, blind folded, in the dark of night....and be able to find one another. Our draw to one another being strong enough to surpass anything..." Her whisper holding so many levels of all her words entailed, the tip of her tongue tasting the saltiness of him, embers stirring. "Want to.....tell me mon amour....tell me please.."

He lowered the quill to the inkwell, there would be nib cleaning to do before he could start again, but this was far more important. "Want to cover you with my own scent, or take yours onto myself." He had watched her from his place bending and creating those decorative pieces. It was always difficult to not go to her where she worked and distract her with his presence as much as her merely being visible distracted him. The others had figured out what was going on. He seemed to recall Antonio passing a few coins to Giovanni. Perhaps a bet over the house mistress and the forge master"

He circled her middle with his arms, and took in her scent. Perhaps she smelled bad to herself, but to him there was only her. His eyes closed in response to her thumb at his scar, and those lips brought shivers to his spine. "Drawn to you like the wolf to the moon." A strange sort of statement, he hadn't intended the pun.

Her lips featherlike and then brushing over his own, a hushed moan rumbling at her to the words he spoke. "You've branded me, mon amour...all of me..." A palm moving across his chest and beneath his hair to his neck, she turned to sink a knee to his either side, perched there and drawing him closer, nails setting a path up his spine. "I will remain high above you, brightest of all moons, to keep you trained on me, never wishing to waver....as you will know me to always be there for you and you alone..." She knew how the men looked at them, and she wondered if they were wishing to know something as strong as what they were witnessing.

It was not something fleeting, it was something that held sustenance, it could not be denied....even by a perfect stranger. "I love you...." When she said those words, they failed in definition...the woman who had words for everything...found herself unable to express the most powerful thing of all. Slipping from his lap, her intention had not been to distract him from what he was doing....the grin returning.

"I will go change before we go.." Fingertips already sliding the shirt over her head as she met the stairs. "I won't be long.."

He picked up the quill again, his eyes never leaving the dark haired Greek. Shirt slowly revealed her dark skinned back, hair pulled aside as the shirt went over head. It may have been a fraction of a second, but to him it passed in slow motion. He could replay every movement with clarity, right down to the wisps of hair catching in her passing. He turned back to his journal.

There is a spot on the back of Shai's neck that I can't seem to get enough of. It calls to me from across the room and I often find that my arms are wrapped about her, my lips re-acquainting themselves to the place. Do you think she knows how it obsesses me" Could she be taunting me with it on purpose" Am I really complaining...no...I don't care if it is done on purpose, so long as it is me she does it for.

She's upstairs now, and I'm sorry to cut this short old man, but there is a place that needs to have my absolute attention.

The quill was dropped to the table, the nib dripping black spots to the page he had been writing on. Kruger was well away and up the stairs, journal all but forgotten. A muffled feminine laugh would have been heard, if there were any there to listen.

The darkness wasn't absolute; a tiny candle was aflame on the desk. The night had been long and sleepless. He sat before his journal as he had done many times before but not for a very long time it seemed. He only seemed to pick the thing up when he had more thoughts than he had the ability to resolve at the same time. Things had been good, better than good really the issues while not small had seemed to be manageable. Seemed was the word that kept sticking in his head though. Kruger wondered if he had gotten too comfortable, or perhaps he had reached the limit of what the universe had allotted him for continuous days of simple life.

The scratching of the nib wasn't loud on his journal, but he was sure that Shai would be listening to it. She hadn't slept the way she once had, that of course was understandable in light of what had happened. Kruger honestly didn't expect her to find much in the way of real rest for some time to come. He hoped only that he had eliminated any doubts she may have had over his reactions. Their lovemaking had been driven by the needs of both of them, him to prove she was still everything to him. He could only guess at what it was she took away from the night.

11 August

I know it has been many weeks since I have needed to find myself lost within your pages. The truth of it is that I don't like you. You are the bitter aftertaste of yesterday's coffee to me, but you are mine. So I will pen another page for you in vile discontent. To say that I am angry is an understatement; you and I both know the extent I have gone to before. I am not above doing that again; problem is that I have no one clearly guilty left to do it to. This Jericho that sits on our land, and benefits from our larder could have become a good place to seek vengeance. Only I don't know that he was truly involved with the situation. I wanted to kill him. My blade tasted his blood; this was not meant to be at the time.

The other one though"I won't say murder, for that is not what happened and you know it. That death while fitting was certainly less painful than painstaking love I would have put into his death. He needed to linger over his actions but I don't think he even understood right from wrong at the end. I don't believe he had understanding of much of anything beyond a sick need to keep Belglade free of people. This particular idea"thought"no compulsion is a better word. This particular compulsion to drive us away netted him a surprise I don't think he was ready for. Not because I know it to be so, but because if I think it any other way I will lose what control I have managed through all of this.

Does Shai know that I draw that strength of will from her or has the rape consumed enough of her thoughts that she doesn't notice" I can't say because I don't know. I asked her to come away with me for a time. A week, a month?two perhaps, any amount of time to mend and rebuild. I don't think this will happen though, she is quite right when she says that there is too much to do and very little time left before it must be endured through the winter. Perhaps we could go for the winter that would be enjoyable, south to the sun and time alone. I honestly don't know if that will happen either, there is never an end to things going on here.

She lies close by, but I still feel her eyes on me. I will be confronting this Jericho issue in the morning. If he proves his worth, then I have some work for him. Someone needs to approach the others out there; I doubt they would let me get close enough to talk. Jericho may be the only hope of resolving this without bloodshed.

I am going to leave you here; I still hate you for what it means when your pages are open and being filled with my thoughts.

My world it seems is run by others, those who have said that the burdens you will bear will never be more than you can handle need to be brought before me. You who have seen to it that the burden is great, to you I say how dare you!

What has she done that you should impose upon her that way. I will discover your hiding places and you will be called to account! I am angry you will say....you're right. It will diminish you will claim..this I promise in return...it will never diminish so far that I won't give to you the same that has been dished to us...to her. Yours is a fate that has one ending...it is simply the when that is in play.

The roulette wheel turns, the ball she spins and flies. There are no winners on this turn. Well except for those of us who didn't bet at all.

The journal sat on the desk in the study. Silk ribbon marked his spot that place where he had left off and become distant again. He sat and opened the book growling at his last entry. The ink bottle came out and the quill started to scritch across the page.

I have done harm...I laugh at the reasons others put on me. Shai knows, understands even. There is more to this simple smith that petty feelings for one who refused my help, and then would never tell me if she lived or died. I am supposed to be entrhalled by her" I am thrall to no man or woman! I am conscience. I am the hard line, the one that reminds when wrong has been done. I feel nothing for the child but pity.

Panther...so strange to see you. How long ago did I see your shape within my castings. A call...a warning" I don't know. I know that in one moment I saw every deed undone. Every drop of blood that could have been prevented. I acted on that, calling to account...and knowing I am undeserving to be the judge.

I carry my uncertainties with me. Purgatory by my own hand...Heaven and Hell held in my hands and the only promise I get is someday I will be judged. Left to me, given what I have done...what I know I will do in the uture. My fate may be sealed in the afterlife. Bound...I have been bound before..and beaten...beaten often. Never defeated...never the thrall...Goddess why does this bother me so. My sins are my own...no one made me do them. None can free me from accountability save myself...and I am just not willing to do that today.

I remained quiet. There were questions, I did not answer though. If the question got close I drew farther into myself. She let me alone eventually, seeing that I was not ready to talk. How do I talk over something I barely understand myself. I still carry the note that was tacked to my door. I had heard the knocks and refused to answer. Inside I knew that the child was born. Funny what happens isn't it' The impregnable becoming so in the first place.

Is it mine" There is more reason to believe it is than ever an argument can be made against it that much is sure. I am not denying the child, it won't want for anything. The rumor is she named him Nikolai Aristotle. As fine a name as any to be sure. There will be questions now, maybe forever. The bed I purchased, it will house the child, so very like the gate of that place that I rebuilt with my own hands. Now I am here though there are others, but for the most part it is quiet here. I get what I need, a pillow a bed. There is a kitchen though I can't recall the last time I ate because I felt hungry. That should concern me, why doesn't it though' I forget food, give it up to complete my projects. I feed myself with them.

As for anything else I receive, there will be those who believe this move is motivated by something other than, I refuse to be dependent on any thing but myself. Let them think what they choose, if they speak it I will simply slap the words from their mouth, and perhaps a few teeth as well. Say what you will about me, I deserve what I have brought upon me. Keep your waggling tongues from uttering anything about anyone else though.

The journal was shoved deep into a drawer. He had given up needing to burn every page he wrote, but had yet to feel comfortable enough to leave it anywhere that someone might happen across it. Sitting heavily into a chair the light in the room falling away as the day came to an abrupt close. Kruger refused to turn on the light, he stared at the wall knowing only one thing. There was still so much work to do, so many projects that he couldn't ever seem to finish.

He turned to look at the face in the mirror and barely recognized the man he was looking at. If it weren't for the brand on the cheek he never would have believed it was him. "What are you looking at?"

I sat in the middle of the grounds, I don't know what it meant but it was just a dream. One by one the houses began to move closer to me, to circle me slowly. As they moved right in front of me they began to change into people. The faces of the council looking down at me as they passed by, and I knew them all.

One and another would reach to me touch me with sympathy, with an offer of support. Why do I doubt myself" What is it here that soothes me so' I can't sleep until I have worked to the point that I can barely make it back here. I am in a room alone, which is something new. Not being alone, not by any means that. Not having to answer the questions of another or have them waiting is somehow more comforting than knowing an embrace for my return. I do things, make things and not all of them are pleasant. I don't want to explain myself to anyone. I did not inspire myself to do these things. I can't stop what others want.

It's not always there, that driving need. When it's gone I miss it. I am empty inside without the vision. Maybe Miranda is right and I am overworked. I don't feel overworked I feel"nothing. The need was there yesterday, it was so powerful that I found myself on the way to the forge before I knew that was where I was going. The need drives me, she fills me to overflowing and then that spills into every great work that comes out of me. But then it's gone and I am left with only me and a weary body that still must move. I am left with thoughts that turn bitter and push the good right out of me. Was there ever any good inside of me" Who am I now mother" Am I the same man I was a year ago' Have I ever been a good man"

You won't answer, you never do anymore. Once I saw you often, once I could see you but, only with eyes closed tight. Do you remember that' The boy who you played peek-a-boo with' I remember it, I remember you. It isn't the same now, maybe I don't need you so much"except that I do need you. Right now I need you. Tell me that everything will be okay. Tell me that you have not forgotten me. I want to come home. I want to come home to you.

I hurt you, deep inside I know that is the truth. I walked this day, walked though my body ached and my spirit told me to turn back. My path put me back on the grounds of Bristle Crios. I stopped to look in on the children, they always seem to make me smile. I haven't smiled since you've gone, and it shouldn't be so, because I didn't know you were here to begin with. You are always hiding from me.

Who are you, if not the one I once believed" What if I walked in your light' Tell me would that make us right' I never knew that one thing could mean so much yet never be visible. Faith is something that I have but I will never lay claims to understanding. The marks heal, and you are out there somewhere. Is he giving you what you need"

Why does this time feel so wrong? Questions they come and they will never be answered by me alone. I want something that can never be real. Hope for a touch that only can be felt in a soul. It is all I can do to recall the embrace and know its gift to me. I hurt you though, with my anger and my hate it drove you from me. My insanity is complete now...the looks from the others are justified. I will remain though, here among the living. I will stay and call for you in my head and in my heart. Until my strength wanes and my body gives out. Perhaps then you will see me and I will find you. Is that where the urges come from' I just wish we had more time.

I been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall. I been laying here thinking about the fall. I never had a chance to know, and no matter where I go I end up crying. Gazes of sympathy look my way, I can't count the amount of times I see it through the day. It's a risk that I am taking, a need that has awakened and I am too proud to kneel and pray.

I've given you everything I know. I'm afraid of how much it will show and I'll be dying. It's just another night alone, you are the one who's always gone. Is it that I just can't face the truth' Am I of no further use" I am tired of waiting. I used to think freedom meant you could come and go. Why the hell does it make time go so slow. I talk to empty air, while the memory of your hair makes me go blind. The place in my life is still unfilled, don't you know you broke my will. I don't know the words to say, the ones that make you want to stay, and I'm out of time.

I find myself in places that never change. The only thing missing has left me tattered and frayed. There is an aching in my heart, and you know that it's the part that wants you near me. It's not fair of me to ask, for you to come and heal the past. I don't believe I'm moving on, because my need it just too strong, it feels like you've died. There's no monument at which I can mourn, I try to reach for you and only find thorns. I just know your face was fare, and your eyes showed me you care, so where are you?

The words I'm giving you they make no sense. In my head they race for a hole that won't mend. In a moment they'll be gone, disappearing like the dawn and never coming round again. I've been sitting here staring at the walls, I've been hoping to stop my fall, but there is only one thing, to make it go away, and I won't ask you to stay.

Who determines the greatness of a man' Not I surely, I am a simple man, I do not wish to be anyone's judge. There is some appeal to being an executioner in a mind that is frustrated. I know that would never be me either, I lie of course. There have been killings from me, Bree for one. The Butcher of Istandor, Romliv, I hardly consider him a man, I hardly consider what I did to him an execution. Others" A few others, maybe?perhaps a myriad of them I remember many campaigns and faceless zealots. Can that be considered execution' Why am I asking this question now when I started on something far more important' I don't want to know"I don't want to be reminded right now.

Perhaps it is true greatness is judged by others" What will be said of all of us when the time comes" I am many things of course. I know how I see me, an unworthy soul in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't need any accolades"please just keep them from me Goddess. I do only what I feel I must, or what I think someone forgot to do. To some I suppose that makes me a reckoning. To others, I don't know, warped I suppose. There is no lie in me now. I can speak of what has occurred in my life. Answer for my sins, all of my sins to include those most recent acquired. I don't believe anyone has heard me ask forgiveness.

I don't want to be forgiven, I have said before when the Gods seek to judge me I will not kneel for it. I'll stand and spit in their eye. I am a sinner, I am proud to be that amongst a world of the self righteous. May my particular hell be a special misery made just for me. You see my sweet, I move on"you affect me no more. Of course, I lie again?and lie and lie. I am trying to force you from me now. To take you from my thoughts and forget that you were here. It should be so easy"it should be done by now.

Aren't I just a simple minded man with nothing but the calluses on his hands and the long lonely walk ahead through the years" Do I not bring such loneliness on myself" I can accept that I am now reaping what I have sewn, that the world I give up had a life where I could be happy"I am never happy now. Did I make a mistake" Perhaps I did, the question is do I care" Do I let the realizations that the life I choose is a life of pain sway me from that path' Goddess, you do have a special hell for me because I have not risen, nor have I run.

I saw the child, he is beautiful and strong. He will hold my name so long as he wishes it. What of Shai" I don't know. I have destroyed"I remember the words yes. I have followed paths that she won't understand. The same paths that no one understands, the steps are solitary and the light ahead is persecution. I walk there anyway leaving behind the light of a happiness that I doubt will ever be my own again.

I hurt so many this time. Will there ever be a good to come from it' The worst part of this is that I will continue to hurt them, over and over with every step I take to visit Nikolai at Belglade. Even then I was creating. So much was built with these hands, put together with sweat from this body and a need to be perfect. Who am I now" I believe a long life is due me, one that will forever be solitary.

The losses still hurt, they will"because I know no matter how many times I beg you to come and give me death, you will remain separated from me. I wonder if you will listen if I ask for life" I haven't changed my heart. I have only recently discovered that I don't have the strength, or is it that I am just not one of the great men"

I listened to the wind today, to the winter storm as it blew in across the bay. I listened until I could no longer take the cold. I listened and walked through forest along paths that led me home, or the place I call home now. The kiss of the wind is pain, funny how it knows what I need so badly.

Yesterday I burned my hand, I can't figure out if I did it on purpose or not. It feels very similar the pain in my hand and that which rips through me walking back to this place. Neither is crippling though, I suppose in large doses they could be. On both days I caught myself staring at the houses. Why do I feel so attached to this place" I have family here that is not mine by blood. I have friends here who only ever asked to be shielded from the world. There is more though, I can see the place where I told stories on the night of rose moon. What was that story' Yes I remember the battle of the birds. Is it silly that I think of it now" What does it mean' The boy who lost his love, who carted a bag and was nearly killed by a giant. The boy who saved the bird from the snake.

Who was he to get involved" I liken him to me I suppose, getting involved where I shouldn't. Saving one bird from a snake in the grass. Yes, and gaining love only to realize it too late and be forced to give it up. It worked for him though...for me I see loneliness and I see death. I looked at eternal house, then at vampire house. I looked at all those houses. Demon and werewolf houses, Alchemy and mage, I wonder, did any see the smile on my face as I walked towards warrior house" I know what they do not...mortality is good, death is good...my house of warriors, a house of fighters, and I will gladly stand first in any fight. I will happily lay down what I am, for what I think has worth. Yes I will force someone to kill me, to save it...to save them.

Even as I write this I don't know who I am talking to. There are so many who have my protection here. Strangely even the most potent of them has a layer of defense that they do not know about. One lone fallible smith, one small life to save the many. One soul freed from mortal shell can save all.

Morgan and I argued, there aren't many who know and I don't know why I bother writing it. He is gone now, because he understood. He was likely right but his priorities were never mine. I will give up the many for the few. I will give them all up for the one. This has less to do with who the one is than who it is to me. I would drive an entire world into the fires of oblivion to save just one of my own. The concept itself is what many would call wicked. Then I am so, stand behind me my chosen family. Stand behind me my real family. Stand and watch for I will walk that path for each and every one of you. I will suffer the agonies of hell because I choose to keep what I consider mine.

What do I consider mine? The weapon and the mage, the children and the dames, and the touch to make me whole.

nosce te ipsum, temet nosce (thine own self, know)

These are the words that haunt me my love. To know myself is to know chaos. How does one truly know chaos" I know many things, I know that the decisions I make today can be changed tomorrow in a similar situation. I know that I decide things always based on emotions and feelings. I know that a man run by such things can never really know his self. Give me a situation and hold back no names, then I can assess my own decisions.

If I know no one involved, then the only thing I know is that a decision will come quickly. It will be just as much a surprise me as to those involved. I don't claim logic as a basis for deciding, let those with minds for cold facts and order keep logic. Passion will run my life, now as it always has. Chaos, I choose not to call it such, I will stay with the word passion. I wonder sometimes if the logical love. What kind of love is it' Are they able to do what I cannot and step away from that love just because it makes sense to'

I can't be this way, I can't run on what makes sense. If that is logic, then logic lies. It makes sense that a child goes hungry, but only if we look at the reasons behind it. In my mind a hungry child makes no sense. There should be no reason that it occurs. So damn a world of logic, and damn feeling nothing. Know myself" I know myself enough to know that I will fight where I should give up. I will die where I could live...and I will love where I am alone.

Where does that leave one chaotic no..., one passionate smith' Where does it leave he who makes and unmakes" It leaves me in that passion, the kind that leaves my lips tingling and my fingers gripping anything that can be held. The passion that builds and pours out in silent sweaty cries. The same that strikes without warning and gives no quarter in order to protect. Know myself....I am the light when it is darkest, the shadow that will hide you from that same light. I am the warrior who blocks the path, and the knife in the dark. My love, I am all things as needed, though I have forsaken all divine virtue. Virtue is for men who believe that it is all right to grieve. I do not, if life must be taken from you, there will be no grieving from me. I will be on the other side already, waiting for you.

Know myself" I am the Maker, the Unmaker. I am the saint of chaos and the sinner of order. Know myself? I am the lover, and I am the leaver. I am the seven deadly sins, the foresaker of god's virtues. I am he who mourns for those that live, until we are reunited. To any who would wish harm to those in my world....My love, to them I am a monster, I am the beast, I am the reckoning.

If you are well, I am well.

I was uncertain how to begin, I've spent more hours laboring over this entry than I have over some of my most intricate designs. I forgot time, and forgot pain. I forgot to think beyond the press of you. Could I be more selfish' I don't need to look too far to find that answer. Hours alone and part of me wishes it were still so. That you had put us somewhere that we could see nothing in any direction. Can I make my own world that way' How long would it last' No pressure for either of us, no demands beyond what we are willing to give.

There are enough old wounds for us. I think we both know that. The memories filter back though. They call and demand attention. I don't feel their weight yet though, I wonder if that would surprise you. Are you well? My thoughts say you must be, but I have a tendency to be wrong....often. Time will tell. I will see you again, and ask or not as I see fit. I am not dead, there are no new wounds in me that would indicate displeasure. I want to forget again, for a little while.

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Sometimes I hear it, a song in my head. Just words really a deep desire for something more, for someone. Seven words, and how fitting that is the number once again.

I need for you to know me ~ (Kruger's Player)

I need for you to know me, but I don't understand what that may mean. The darkness it calls to me, a promise in the dreams.

I need for you to know me, but I'm afraid to move. The silence it just laughs at me, and I don't know what?s true.

I need for you to know me, is this just a waste of time" If I follow your footprints down that path, tell me darlin" what will I find"

I need for you to know me, and all of my committed sin. The world ahead invisible, and it's so dark where I've been.

I need for you to know me, and hell that comes to pass. I may never burn first, but you know I'll be burning last.



http://i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s573/AKrugerAllen/kroogzandnilsy/Image3_zpsd6fabd43.png Image Credit: Catherine Zeta-Jones Image Credit: Robert Down Jr. as Sherlock Holmes Final Image Edit: Nilan

I'm distracted tonight, these times and this place have me more comfortable than I have been for a while. It's not in me to understand this yet I suppose. I don't know if it is normal to feel bad, yet still feel good. In the back of my mind sit the secrets of life. Back there I know that darkness and pain are truth. Of course those secrets are closer when I'm alone. I'm not alone now. It's true you linger so close to me that any movement from me brings a chill from the air that sweeps in to cool both our skin.

I'm looking at you now seeing the tangle of curls, caused by once damp hair across a pillow. Strands twist and bend around each other in a not so subtle reminder of us not so long ago. It falls in chaotic patterns that are so like the warping of my thoughts. There is more though, further down in my chest. A feeling of euphoria twisting like a whirlwind floods through me. At its edges though razor sharp shards cut at me to remind me of all that I have destroyed. And still I don't know if it is normal to feel good and bad at the same moment. To look for a future and wish that somehow I really could have been everything to everyone.

I am torment, I worry for you now Nilanoch as I write this. I am chaos and a road uncertain. I am the exception to the rules. The worst part is that I have you in my arms and won't let go. Does this condemn you to my anarchic world" Will you regret my bringing you along" Will I regret' I need you with me, and that scares me.

http://i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s573/AKrugerAllen/kroogzandnilsy/NilsyKrugerPiano_zps8a590e5a.jpg

Silence

Your silence Your silence Your silence....aaaah Silence Your silence Your silence

Wake me... ~ Lucia

I'm stuck, stranded, straddling the line between silence and peace and knowing that they only bring me turmoil. The silence is forced, or maybe I simply accept it. How would I know that silence held so many echoes within its embrace" Where is peace to comfort this weary soul" It comes and goes, an island within the war that rages between heart and mind. My war, my fight, and I do so every day and night. The world will never know, I will never show them again.

I live, and will go on living this life striving for that thing that I know is out there. I don't care anymore for dangers that must be faced. All there is now is the goal, the end where I walk amongst the gods and tear them apart. My peace, their silence. My work and the feeble echo that they become. I don't need you now, except for maybe one. That is where the silence began, it is where this journey was forced on me. I must make peace within me though, I must see you one last time and let you kill me with your silence.

Maybe I am wrong, I've been wrong haven't I" I can't remember any longer. Every step seems to steal a little more of me, have I lost my way' There is no balance anymore, I can't tell the difference between inner peace and inner silence. Which one is the one I bring myself and which is the one that that you have brought me" Where does all of this end" Why have all my journeys become winding spirals into the heart of darkness" Please....why do I crave that darkness so' Save me.

These things come and go, this journal is full of words that all say the same thing. I Am Chaos! Nightly I send my shouts into the void of the cosmos, and nightly there are none who call back to me. There are none....there are none. Who holds the creator in check" Who better than me" I will find you all, and you will be unmade in that place where peace and silence meet. You will be unmade inside of me, and those haunting echoes of nothing will no longer tear me apart. Even now the endless pulsing fades, or is that me becoming colder" It's already so cold inside....Please, somebody....Wake me.

http://i1306.photobucket.com/albums/s573/AKrugerAllen/Me/KrugerPeaceSilence_zpsf139c823.jpg

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Impossible, not just you being here, but to forget you. It's been a long time since I tried to capture you. Most of the details fade, most....but those eyes. They've always looked right through me. Aludariel, what is this dream that I'm lost in? That isn't a complaint, it's the place I want to be lost. But you're no dream. I can still feel the tendrils of your hair on my skin as I disentangled from you. It's been years since I've needed to clear my mind this way, or maybe I'm just setting it to purpose. A vain attempt to lock this reality into place and let all the others fade. I know that isn't possible, if it were then you'd be gone once more. Don't go, not again. I'm sure it would be the end of me.

Faye-l Deviant Art.]