Melancholy, Kruger hadn't needed to prepare for his role as Jaques for the final run of As You Like It. He'd pretty much nailed it simply opening his eyes in the mornings. Maybe it was a sign, the way he seemed to land so many roles that had him ending up alone. Still Jaques managed to find happiness in a religious life. It was a lie, there was no peace. Shakespeare was the biggest liar of them all. That's how he felt at least. The face in the mirror slowly became his, as the stage makeup was stripped away. He took his time, not because he was being overly meticulous. Tonight he didn't crave people. He had no plans to join in the after party, no matter how well received the play had been. They deserved their celebration, all of them had been outstanding. Besides, Addie was supposed to be bringing Niko by, though he thought he'd spotted them in the audience.
Makeup gone, his costume set aside to go to the cleaners, and then the seamstresses. Kruger was relieved to find the corridor empty, though he could hear raucous laughter burst through the air as a door opened and closed. The flowers had all been given, the curtain calls long done, there had been two and for a brief moment Kruger let himself live in the sound of the applause. A very short life, that much was true. The theater was dim, there were still sweeps going through the seats cleaning away the detritus of those who'd attended. Playbills seemed to be the largest order of business for them. He stepped from backstage, entering from the left. There was no sign of Addie and Niko. Maybe they thought he'd make an appearance at the party. Someone had pushed the piano onto the stage, likely to open up space for when they broke down the set. He could just make out the silhouette of Jon heading away as his fingers found the keys and played six simple notes one after the other. There was an order to them, an intended timing and that was all it took for him to find a seat on the bench, and play them again.
He wasn't a virtuoso performer, not by any means. The notes were simple, and the chords came naturally. Kruger played things he knew, and the piano score to Changes by Black Sabbath was not beyond his meager skill level. Changes, that was something he knew all too well. He'd done so twice in the last few hours. First to become Jaques, and then to return to whomever it was that was sitting at the piano now. He wished he could be sure. Kruger did a third change, at the refrain he started over. There were two shapes coming his way, maybe drawn to the music, maybe just searching for him. He closed his eyes on Nikolai, and Addie lifting his voice to change the words to the song he was playing.
I am so lonely, I am so blue.
My mind was broken, when I lost you.
There would be no spotlight on him, and if any of the men and women going through the auditorium paid any attention to what crazy Kruger was doing he'd never know, or care for that matter. What mattered to him was the way the sounds melded into one another. The Shanachie was made for acoustics full or empty, and he was using them to full effect.
They took your spirit, yeah stole your soul.
So many years gone, still I can't let go.
Did it pass beyond stage and auditorium' Did it break through the lulls in the party, or filter through the place to Mataya's and Jon's offices" He didn't know, there was so much that he would never know. What he did, however, was that he couldn't stop. Not when he heard the echo of heels on the floor near him, or when he felt the small boy climb onto the bench next to him, and lay his head against Kruger's side. Not even when the other side was occupied by Addie, who seemed to be holding her breath.
They say time heals in stages, but I'm locked in these cages.
Many knew his odd attachment to music, a few had defined how important it was to him in every aspect of his life. This wasn't what even they normally got to see from him. Sure, they'd known him to alter the words to a song now and again to suit his purposes. It wasn't one of those songs he used to fight with, all hard edges or filled with humor. Tonight, for one performance only, Kruger opened that place deep inside and let out the ache he felt daily.
We had each other, living each day.
We were together. Let come what may.
Melancholy, did they know it would do this to him' He didn't believe so. How could they, when he didn't know it himself. By now, the movements of his fingers had become habit, shifting between notes, and chords easily, though he would have prefered someone else work the pedals. He was much better with his hands. He ignored the slight tickle at the base of his spine, as Niko's little hand curled into his shirt and his eyes just stared at the keys as they moved beneath Kruger's fingers.
But darkness came, and chaos swirled.
Left me alone, to walk this world.
Chaos, for good or ill was a huge part of the man too. That wasn't something he could hide even if he'd put all his efforts into trying. Sudden mood swings, the odd glee he took in the roar of a crowd, and for those he faced off against that moment when they realized that the harder they hit him the more he craved it.
I perform on these stages, but I live in these cages.
His life was far from bad. He was busy, some said that maybe he spread himself too thin. Perhaps they were right, though he'd never be too thin for family. The girl at his side just as much a part of that as the boy next to him, though she had only recently joined it. Yes, he performed, and forged. He played and fought, filling as many moments of his life with good things as he could. If you asked him, he'd tell you that his life was full of all the things in life people need. If you could hear inside his head, you'd learn that was all true, except that one place that nothing seemed to fill.
It's been so long, I realize.
Yet I can still hear, when I close my eyes.
For an instant, Kruger had believed that it was changing, that he could be truly happy. He almost was, until the guilt came. It was hard to say what the cause was, something in his psyche, or maybe a result of the gods damned dream. Maybe that was just when he noticed it was there, wedged into place like a poppy seed that refused to be moved. Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, 'tis enough. It may not have been so wide as a church door, but the abyss it opened was far deeper than any well.
The sound of your voice, filled with fear.
Why's it not me there" Why aren't you here"
The why, always the why would haunt him. If he could only understand, maybe he wouldn't so resemble Jaques. He wanted it to mean something, though he would never discuss that with anyone. Kruger knew the words that would come. Some things just don't have meaning. That was the hardest part of all, because if it had no meaning it needed to. A single piece missing from the puzzle, though the position it occupied changed almost as much as Kruger changed faces. What would he forget today, and hate himself for tomorrow"
This life is all stages, and I built all my cages.
What more could he say' What more was there to say' His fingers continued their play for another few bars before falling silent, the echo of the song continuing for half a heart beat more before silence encompassed them all once more. Kruger looked at Addie, gifting her with a wan smile that never really went to his eyes. He was forced to turn his attention to Nikolai, who was now standing on the piano bench and leaning in to give him a cupcake icing kiss.
"Wha song is tha, da?" The whisper didn't have a chance to stay just between the two of them on that stage. He was sure that Addie had heard it too.
"Mela en' coiamin." the words fell somber from Kruger's mouth. He doubted that Niko would know what they meant. Someday maybe, he hoped so at least. He scooped the boy up like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder. "Now, let's make sure that Addie gets home safe, and maybe she has a cookie you can eat too."
