Topic: Ashes

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-06-24 01:16 EST
All the things that I needed I wasted my chances I have found myself wanting

When a mother and father Gave me their problems I accepted them all

Nothing ever expected I was rejected But I came back for more

The night paints cruel pictures on my skin. The bruises on my neck sing a song of pity; the healing cut along my jaw screams of long alleys that only street urchins know; the scar on my shoulder, ugly as a starved child, reads 'here there be monsters' — and still, the ink. My spine speaks of chivalry forgotten.

I've killed a man tonight. He makes the eighth this week, and he is not the last. I can still smell his blood on my skin. Sometimes I get lucky. I sneak back into Room Thirteen, or the hole in West End where I can sleep, with or without Mish'Cael beside me, wake up to the smell of citrus and fresh-cut tobacco (I can hear his voice in my dreams, not gravel, but thunder on a Texas plain before the lightning comes, before the rain). I haven't seen Reap in days, but his c*cksure smile finds in when I'm in dark corners. Between the those and the rest of my memories, it;s enough to quietly patch up the holes in my mind and move on until the job is done.

One left. Just one. Then I can go back and f*ck him like I mean it, until we're both bruised and bloody and satisfied, not just Eleanor the feral cat coming home to lick her wounds after another street scrap. I will make him remember why he stuck around, and I will remind myself why it's worth it. Just thinking about it — gods.

The last, though. This is a man who's different. Dogal, the high mage-knight over the Council of Twelve. I will always remember the day he peeled back the skin along my back and painted the raw flesh with binding shadow. The Doe of House Green, he whispered. You delicate killer.

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-06-24 01:24 EST
The kiss that will burn me Cure me of dreaming I was always returning

And my ashes find a way beyond the fog And return to save the child that I forgot

Females were rare amongst the knights, often treated with the modesty of privacy the men could not afford. But it left to reason that if Taine's bed in the barracks was empty, he had doubtlessly retreated to the envious luxury of Eleanor's quarters. The scent of their lovemaking still crowded the sheets as she pulled out of slumber; her eyes followed the path of fresh ink along Taine's spine and her fingers trailed down with an identical movement: each rune, each standard she bore her life to, and the man who wore them as well as he did his own tan skin.

He was her lion, Taine of House Firenze, and she was the doe he lay with.

He stirred, muscles still stiff where the shadow of fresh ink laid on his skin, and reached to catch her wrist in a much larger hand. She didn't resist his firm grasp, nor the plaintive tug that brought her in, bent her to his will as he pressed dry lips to her palm. "What's the day?" His voice was as a lion's ought to be: firm, thick with unsung strength. It made her skin feel electric.

"The Solstice. It's the turn of Spring, my love."

"The day you earn your mark." Brown eyes still wrought with slumber settled on her. "Are you ready for your vows, Ella?"

Her smile bloomed slow, dark curls of her hair framing the pale curves of her face. "Aye, Taine. Ready since I was born."

"To King and country?"

"To King and country."

"And to me?"

There her smile lifted wider. "Aye, Taine. Ever to you."

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-06-24 01:42 EST
Did you imagine the final sound as a gun" Or the smashing windscreen of a car" Did you ever imagine the last thing you'd hear as you're fading out was a song"

It's hard to shake that memory off. It's one that follows me through-out the day and waits for me in dreams or when I'm sitting at a bar alone. But Taine is dead now, and so is the Doe of House Greene. Whatever I am now, it's hardly so innocent was what Kesina wrought.

My spine aches. There's movement in the alleyway beyond me and a shadow taller than all men I know, except for one. I rise from where I lay crouched, my muscles all throbbing in unison, resistant. I'm nearly broken. I'll last until Dogal lies dead if my breath depends on it. With a hand curled around the worn hilt of my sword (how many dead have you seen today' How many have I made"), I move after Dogal. His voice hits me harder than a blade, as dark and thick as the night around me. "Lady Knight Eleanor."

He's taller than Mish'Cael and easily twice his weight, built like a damned ox. He's wearing armor that perplexes me; it looks vaguely crystalline, the dark matte color of it catching what little light there is around us. He's a damn high mage, I remind myself, and slip into the mouth of the alley and toward him without drawing. "I doubt they call me that any longer. Must have thought of more creative titles by now."

"Yes," he agrees, his voice rocking me again. "The She-B*tch of Kesina comes to mind." His movements are slow, practiced. He's not worried. Why' I've taken down the rest of his council. He should be at least a little more pissed off about it. He runs his fingers across his sword belt, but the movement it too idle. Something about this smells rotten.

"Guess that one's not too bad." I hesitate, feeling anxious. Maybe I should wait. But even as I think it, I'm withdrawing my sword, wrapping my fingers around the same familiar grip. "High Mage-Knight Dogal of House Kesina. I call you a traitor to your house and to the throne of the Kingdom. Do you draw, or be slaughtered?" The words are ritualized; he knows them, so do I, and I doubt either of us misses the irony.

"Lady Knight." He's pulling out his sword, and it's just as much of a beast as he is. I've got to move fast on this, act quickly, speed is going to be my one advantage— "I thought you would never ask."

When he strikes, I realize how wrong I am. For how large he is, he moves with an impossible speed that has me questioning what in the high hell I'm doing fighting this man alone. I parry his sword with my own, but the weight of it is enough to send my shoulder stiff.

When I try to bring the sharp of my blade to bite into his armor, test it, I am surprised again: it slides neatly against the crystalline shell without barely making a scratch. He's so close, I can feel his gruff laughter, taste it on my skin.

I wonder if I will die tonight.

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-06-25 00:42 EST
Ever had the feeling you've been here before" Drinking down the poison the way you were taught Every thought from here on in your life begins And all you knew was wrong"



For all the training someone will receive on the matters of combat, it all boils down to one thing: instinct. They're trying to teach your reactions to become instinct. Without it, you're fatally flawed, because you have to think instead of act. They aren't training you to think. Every decision is split-second, often illogical, and doesn't give you time to think — you've got to go with your gut or see them spilled out on the floor around you.

I go with my gut and everything blends together: motions, emotions, pain, and instinct. When you look back at a fight, you don't see a clear picture. You see stabs of light in the dark. The feeling of a blade cutting here, the weight of a blow shaking down your spine, the smell of blood in the air when you know it isn't your own and it's burning while it splatters on your skin — the way you see stars when a fist clocks your jaw at just the right angle and you remember what pain feels like. It's beautiful because it's inaccurate. It just is.

Somewhere I can feel my thigh bleeding too much and I count that as a loss, even though I can already tell he missed the vein he was aiming for. I've been trying to bite into his armor, but the sh*t is working against me: for every drop of blood I spill, more of the crystal blooms in its place. I'm fighting like a damned feral cat, but it's no good scratching at a rock.

When he disengages, I find myself staring into his eyes. And then I see nothing.



The Chamber of the Twelve was tucked away in the tower of Kesina's main castle as a meeting place for the high-mages. Even from a distance, it thrummed with magic that radiated the air and tingled Eleanor's skin, made it crawl. Only once before had she seen the chamber, and that was only to deliver a message; stepping inside, she realized the chamber held a remarkably different purpose for her today.

The stone room had been swept clear of any chairs and tables, windows blocked with thick black drapes, exchanged for firelight hanging from the high domed ceilings. The Twelve were waiting for her, solemn and silent men with all their eyes and austere expressions, around a narrow stone table that looked better suited for surgery than vows to King and country. Dogal's voice, rolling off the walls like sour honey, called to her: "Eleanor of House Greene. Step forward."

Her eyes pinned on Dogal and stayed there as she drew irresistibly toward him and his men. Their had always been favorites amongst the council and Eleanor, the brazen woman amongst the ranks of men, was Dogal's hand-picked. Stepping further into the chamber, she kept her silence until reaching the stone table set before her. The stains of blood that were left behind never quite washed away.

"The Kingdom of Kesina and its honorable King has extended to you the task and duty of knighthood to the realm, by which you will swear your and sword to the death." Dogal's eyes weighed on her like a storm, his voice making the air throb. "Do you accept?"

For years after, Eleanor would criticize herself for this moment, her speck of blindness that would cut her life short.

Her voice sounded so insignificant compared to his. "I accept."

"Then let your body swear the oath that your mind has." He gestured to the table before them and Eleanor laid her eyes on the stone.

They quietly stripped her of clothing, precise and without longing; never once did she feel the rake of eyes down her body as she laid flat on the stone warm with unnatural heat. It was after they strapped her limbs down with thick metal cuffs, she understood the purpose; with careful incisions, Dogal cut away at the first layer of skin along the length of her spine and painted the bleeding tissue beneath like an artist lent a brush to canvas. The shadow of each rune on her flesh crawled inside of her, each tenant she swore to, touched parts of her no man could, and ate her raw. She was the Code, forever its mortal servant.

"Oh, little doe," Dogal whispered in her ear, while she slipped in and out of consciousness. "You're mine."





I—

His body is in front of me. My sword is through his eye, his damnable eyes that stared at me for years and followed me. I'm bleeding from so many places that I can barely stand, but I don—

I should be dead, not him.

I feel out the gap in my memory, try and piece together the sequence, but it's all swords and blood. My back finds the wall of the alleyway and I slowly slide down into it, into his oozing blood that I can smell as strongly as my own. I'm tired, I should leave before someone too curious finds me here with a body, but I can't help staring at him. This is Dogal. This is the man who made me.

The ink on my spine is quiet. Who am I to deny it"

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-07-08 10:41 EST
It's only a number It's only a death Another soldier died in action The telegram regrets

As far as I know, the bar has no proper name. It's a basement dive with rusty steel grates over the high windows, mostly grimed over with sidewalk refuse; before descending down the long set of brick stairs to the entrance, there's a faded blue neon light with a flickering Treble clef — if you miss it, then you'd never guess the place even existed. Inside, where the smell of cigarettes and cheap alcohol permeates like any good dive, is a small room with a scattering of mismatched tables around a poorly lit stage. There's a surprisingly well-stocked bar counter stood off against one wall, serviced by the club's only regular tender: a man who I presume is or was an elf, if his long, pierced ears are any sign, with a mouth full of teeth filed down to carnivorous points. He once introduced himself as Shark. I didn't argue it. You learn not to argue with people like that and make quick friends.

Tonight the bar's crowd is mixed. Off on one corner is a pair of blue-skinned humaniods whose race I don't recognize, a scattering of Makos boys and a few regulars who greet me with jerky upnods before looking back at the stage where some anthro feline is effectively crooning something by Aretha Franklin. Sometimes it hurts to love so bad, she tells me, and the crowd thinks: yeah, isn't that the way' And I think the same thing with them. I see Shark and he sweeps a hand toward an open barstool, grinning his inhuman grin for me while I move that way. For a freak of nature, he's a pretty cheerful one.

"What'll i' be, Miss Elle?" He asks, tapping his sharp-curved nails on the counter to the beat of the Franklin's tune.

I can't help my smile. I feel at home here, if only because this is a place where absolutely no one belongs and that's okay. "You know me, Shark," I tell him, and he grins because he thinks he does, "Make it dry and make it strong."

"Oh, Miss Elle, y'make m'little dead 'eart go pitter-patter when y'say shi' like tha'." He wriggles like a piece of bait on a hook before turning, his shock blond hair clanking with all the odd bits of metal and wood weaved into the dreads. Behind me, the last strains of a dead woman fade off, and I settle in for the evening, in a room painted with regrets and misery; I add my own to them, and we all sing a mute song of loneliness.

I don't know where to go from here. I am not a knight or a killer, and the gray area between doesn't seem to suit me right. I haven't seen or touched anyone I care about in over a fortnight, and every breath of wind along my skin makes my nerves feel the crawling fingers of forgotten lovers. Shark leaves a gin and tonic in a highball glass on the bar in front of me, the ice clinking against each other, soaking up the flavor of alcohol and lime. Behind me, someone else starts singing; this time it's a song I don't know, one in a foreign tongue.

I don't hear the safety retract, but Shark does.

I've never seen a man move so damn fast. His wild eyes snap to the corner of the room and he grins and suddenly the whole world—

(the sizzle of electricity along skin, crackling fire and the ozone above it so thick you can almost touch it, wind and smoke and movement like every single particle of life is standing on end and reaching out for you, me, and someonething is singing, singing, i can feel the earth move below me, the ocean move and break and reform again and)

—it's so soaked in magic I can't even breathe and I'm gasping for air that I'm not sure is there any more. Shark is gone from behind the bar, crouched on the chest of a man I don't recall seeing, but it's obvious he's dead now. He doesn't look like anything more than a dried out husk and he's still holding the gun in one hand — hell, it's still pointed at me for that matter, even while Shark looks down at him with the fondness of a one-night lover after christening the sheets.

The rest of the bar is startled and silent. Outside, the waylines are humming, shifting again. Shark pats the cheek of the dead man and rises, heading back to the bar with the distinct lethargy of a man after sex. He knows I'm staring at him and he only smiles. "What' Can't let someone go off an' start killin' m'best customers." He grins his feral grin and all the teeth seem sharper. The crowd begins to relax again; the music picks up, the drinks lift, and the dead man continues to occupy his corner. I'm still staring at Shark.

"I owe you one, slick." I can hear my voice, feel my smile, but the rest of me is so god-damn startled that I'm tearing my mind apart. Who the hell is trying to kill me now" With guns, not swords? Nothing is connecting. The Twelve are dead, the kingdom is gone, my ink is quiet—

"Drink up, lovely. We'll talk about whatcher owe me later," Shark mutters with a grin. And it reminds me, again, that the world is never what it seems.

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-07-25 23:13 EST
I whispered something in her ear I bare my soul, but she don't hear



By the time the bar empties out, it's nearly dawn and I've had too much to drink. It's just me and Shark and the dead man now, all quiet, two of us sharing a cigarette and a bottle of whiskey, one of us contemplating the finer points of the afterlife. It's not difficult to guess who's who in that pretty picture.

I'm running my finger around the rim of the glass when Shark spreads out a paper in front of me, half-crumpled. It's a woman whose face I think is familiar. With my hair growing out the way it is, I look too much like her. Madison Rye. "This the broad our friend there was aiming for, then?" My voice is hoarse. Maybe I've been smoking about as much as I've been drinking lately.

"S'my bet, yeh." Shark taps his ash out on the woman's voice, freckling her. "Somebody's been pullin' down all the wanted signs. Don't know 'er, but she does look somethin' like you."

"Aye. I guess a little too much like me." I look over my shoulder at the the withered husk of a bounty hunter, gun still held in his shriveled hand. I should probably scavenge the bullets. I'm running low and I haven't the time to try and track down Mish'Cael's stock, where ever that fine blue bastard has run off to this time.

"Time to cut them locks off, lovely." Shark grins his carnivore smile and I wonder what he is, not for the first time. Maybe some secrets are better kept to silence. I can hear myself laughing and for a moment, I forget who its coming from. I'm too drunk for this. I push off the bar stool and take a moment for the world to stop spinning, and then Shark is laughing with me. What the hell are we even laughing about' I don't know. Life's a joke.

He touches the curve of my arm to steady me (or maybe just to touch me, how can I be sure any more"), and I feel a snap of energy I wasn't expecting, a jolt to the system like a shot of caffeine. "Y'need me t'walk you somewhere, lovely, or y'gonna handle the next silly suit with a gun y'self?" He's grinning and I can't stop staring at it. It just goes on forever.

I snort and pull away from the bar, smile my arrogant smile like it's the only truth I have to hold on to any more. "Slick, he's just lucky you got to him before me."

Shark laughs, keeps laughing when I walk all the way out the door and into the false dawn of morning. Could be worse, I think. I could be dead.

"Madison Rye," I murmur and feel the alcohol on my tongue. "Madison Rye."

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-09-01 01:56 EST
I'm running hot. It's so bad I can't sleep at night.

I'm scared and I won't admit it. Something's off. He's dead. I saw my sword end in his eye.

He's dead. Men like him aren't supposed to come back.

Oh, gods. Gods help me.

Abandon Reason

Date: 2009-09-14 03:20 EST
Just runnin scared each place we go So afraid that he might show Yeah, runnin scared, what would I do If he came back and wanted you

In all the stories, dragonslaying is made out to be some gloriously valiant achievement. They put your names down in the history books for bringing back the head of anything larger than a horse and even vaguely reptilian. There's nothing glorious about dragonslaying.

A dragon is just another animal, a beast. Not quite so easy to tame as your average charger, nor as subservient as any ox. You can't put a saddle on a dragon. They don't take too kindly to a yoke either. Best thing you can do about dragons is kill them, and it's much easier than people make it out to be.

The first thing I ever learned about hunting was patience. You have to wait out your quarry. You have to lay low and become virtually invisible. What you're hunting can't know you're there, or else you've lost. No meat on the table that night. My table has never lacked meat any night.

Hunting and war are two completely different things. Too many people think they're the same, especially when you toss in the word knight. Knights are heroes of the people. They wear all that shining armor and carry elabroately sharp swords. They wear standards for their lords and carry massive shields into battle. When a knight dies on the battlefield, everybody remembers his name. When an archer dies, nobody knows him.

War is a complicated and chaotic affair. War is filled with noise. Only men go to war. The birds and the beasts have no care for such things as kingdoms and castles. Men die in war. You never hear about a war in which the battlefield has not been turned red, in the end, with blood. Men do not go to war with dragons.

When you're hunting, you have to know the way your quarry thinks. If the beast catches wind of you, you've lost him. The fox cowers in his den. The rabbit hides in his warren. The buck vanishes into the thicket. The bear crawls back into his cave. The beasts care only for living, and will prolong the inevitable for as long as they have their wits about them.

The trick is to outwit them, to steal their wits away. I never cared for hunting with dogs. They, too, are merely beasts, and they'll be the first to help their fellow animals catch wind of you. The best way to hunt is to lay in wait. Beasts are mindless creatures with little space for memory.

Eventually they'll forget about you having been there. Eventually they'll get hungry. Eventually they'll come out of hiding, and if you're a good enough hunter they'll never know you've been there the whole time ....waiting for them.

Abandon Reason

Date: 2009-09-15 03:14 EST
When I was a small boy, even before I was a squire, the King's Wood caught fire. The whole city watched in horror as the wilderness stampeded through the streets that day. It was about this time of year, late in the summer and not quite yet autumn. The summer itself had been hot, making last year's fallen leaves brittle and dry. When the fire started, there was plenty of kindling to keep it going.

There were high hills to the north and mountains to the east. The river to the south caged the King's Wood in, which left the only escape route for the panicked wildlife to flee through as the city itself. Herds of deer broke down the gates, followed by screaming packs of boar and rabbit and foxes and wolves and any creature any hunter could have dreamed of setting eyes on. They were many, and the hunters were few.

Nobody knew for sure where the fire had come from. It had blazed so hot for so long and torched so much of the forest that there was little left to judge by after the rains put the fire out. The fire itself had burned for three days. By then all the animals were gone.

The slaughterhouses had to give up all their stores to the palace, and any man selling meat was taxed a hundredfold what he had been the year before. The common people lived on vegetables, mostly. Even eggs were scarce for baking with.

I remember a woodsman telling me how when a forest is razed the whole population moves on and finds another one. We were used to the deer migrating during the winter, coming back again in the spring. Migration was one thing, but the relocation of entire colonies of species left the people starving for the better part of the following decade.

The hunters and the trackers had followed the stampede's tracks out of the city and deep into the wilderness on the other side of the walls. The trails went on for miles. They started thick and clear for many miles, until eventually the animals had calmed themselves enough to separate themselves into their own clans.

That old woodsman told me that most of the game had moved on and wasn't likely to be moving back. He told me that's what animals do when their homes are destroyed. They move on and forget about the old forests. A few of them might get exploratory, break off from their herds, and come trickling back, but it was likely to take many years. "By then," he told me, "ye'll likely be a man grown."

He was right about that. By the time the King's Wood had any game again worth hunting, I was a man in the king's service. By then I was starting to teach adventurous young squires how to flush out and bag a boar.

That old woodsman told me something else, though. He told me before that fire there had been a prize buck he'd been trying to bag all his life. When the fire came, that buck and all his herd fled to the next wood over, then migrated far beyond the boundaries of Kesina. He never did find his buck before he died.

Remembering his story, I found his buck for him. No other hall in all the kingdom housed a rack of antlers as fine as those. It wasn't hard to find him, if you knew where to look. That old woodsman had failed because of a lacking desire to go that extra mile, to dare cross the boundaries and into uncharted lands. I suppose that's why he never brought home a dragon's head either.

When a forest is razed as badly as the King's Wood had been, there's no choice but to move away. There had been nothing left for the wildlife to feed on for a decade. By the time anything grew back, the herds and the colonies had created new lives and entire generations had come and went. New animals came to live in the King's Wood eventually, but they were nothing like that buck the old woodsman had never caught. I've never seen a rack of antlers finer than the ones hanging on my wall.

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-09-15 18:38 EST
The bottle of vodka Eleanor pulled down was so poor the label was hand-made and the mere scent of it burned her nostrils, but the smile she had after taking a mouthful was satisfied.

Here was a man cut from marble, perhaps even bronze. He had that look about him. As if he had stood as a model for one of the classic sculptors. Tall and muscular enough to be considered imposing. A pressence that commanded attention upon entering a room. Yet he did not enter a room. Not yet. He stood in silhouette beneath a street lamp just across the street from the Inn.

The bottle hit the bar with a hard thump, her fingers flexing until they went white; her skin was crawling, like cold breath up along her too-warm skin. Eleanor's expression fell to a careful frown.

The man across the street shared a private, quiet joke with himself. He tipped his head to regard the street with a quarter twist of a grin. The machine across the way pulled his eyes up, narrowed them, and he watched the rider proceed in through the front door with idle disinterest. After giving it some thought, he removed himself from beneath the street lamp and strode with militaristic confidence, slowly and deliberately, toward the awaiting porch.

The shiver that rolled through her limbs had her shuddering, eyes going wide. Eleanor jeked her head up, the lines of her body gone tense as she observed the common room. Nothing, she told herself, nothing.

Ascending the stairs, he dipped a polite nod to the lone occupant who remained on the porch. "Good evening," he said to her. A deep, rich voice that, even subdued to a hush, sounded as if it had the honor of commanding armies, once upon a time. He proceeded to the door and opened it, stepping in without a moment's hesitation.

The expression of confusion settled on her face was slapped away for shock. Like a deer caught in a hunter's rifle, her first instinct was to bolt and she found her limbs incapable of doing so. Frozen stiff, the Ink burned at her spine and Eleanor sucked in a harsh breath. That happened to be when Missie popped up like Rhydin's own version of Whack-a-Mole right in front of Eleanor and left a nickel-plated cigarette lighter in the shape of a ferret on the counter for her.

When Missie's form jolted in front of her, the ex-knight's limbs still laid dead where they were. She couldn't move, couldn't yell or scream or run; it was an invisible, strangling grip he had on her.

There was, unmistakably, something akin to a twinkle in his eyes. The grin exposed him as sharing another private joke with himself. He took a few steps in and paused, turning his head to examine the occupancy of the common room. This way and that in slow consideration. He looked back up, across the room, and locked eyes with the frozen ex-knight for but a moment. He lifted a hand in a beckoning gesture, pointed silently to the rack of bottles behind the bar, and chose an empty table to claim as his own. He pulled out a chair, seated himself, and waited.

"Are you okay' Don't you like the ferret-thing?" Missie thought Eleanor did not look well.

"F*ck," she breathed, when she was able to again. Her hands clenched and unclenched the bar counter, feeling the blood return to her limbs. Eleanor's expression drew into hard lines, kohl-dark eyes flicking down to Missie. It gave her time to process. It gave her something. "I'm fine, kid." Her voice was hoarse and the lie hung heavy on her tongue. "I like it fine. But I need to go over and talk to an old friend." The breath that poured from her lungs was slow, her eyes finding him again. You're dead. I killed you. I felt your blood run cold.

She lurched up from her lean, scarred fingers wrapping around the narrow neck of a bottle without checking the label; the other took two glasses, clinking against each other in her hand. All her coy movements had fallen loose, replaced by a woman worn years from war. For now, the common room was an absent battlefield and she crossed to meet her enemy.

This man was much too large for the table he chose; it didn't suit him. He reclined somewhat back in his chair, however, taking on a demeanor of ease. Lifting one leg, he set his ankle atop his knee, hooked an arm over the back of the chair, and watched the ex-knight come stiffly nearer. With all the silent pleasantries of a diplomat courting an ambassador, he gestured to the empty chair across from him to invite Eleanor to have a seat.

She knew when she was cornered, and it was now. Setting the bottle between them, she pulled the chair free while her mind groped desperately for explaination; this man was dead. She killed him. His blood ran down her blade in another of Rhy'din's rotting alleys, and here he was. The panic that struck her heart was well-hidden, as ever it was. This was a battlefield. "Hail, High Mage Dogal of Kesina." Her voice was flat, coarse as a stone.

A battlefield in which the two of them were without swords. The honorific etched a frown across his mouth, and his eyes narrowed. Sure signs of his displeasure with her choice of words. For a moment, he had been looking aside, making observations of the room and those within it. "Lady Knight Eleanor of House Greene," he countered, scathingly. Snapping his fingers, he pointed down at the seat, if she had not yet sat upon it. In that motion he was also indicating the glasses. They were in need of filling yet.

"Go to hell." The feral cat snarl of her voice remained a minute undertone; sitting, she snapped the cork from the bottle (brandy, by the smell), and poured for them both. The room was gone for her. Everything else was insignificant compared to this dead man walking, to the heat snaking up her spine, raking her raw. "What the hell are you?"

Her first statement started the crawl of the grin upon his mouth, hungrily replacing the frown. His eyes never found hers, not yet. They roved, turned and wandered, sipped the sights surrounding them that he seemed irrationally comfortable with. Reaching for his glass, he pulled it forward but did not yet lift it to drink. "A traveling minstril came to court onece," he told her. "He had quite the story to tell me about a distant land, a land parched under a burning sun that saw hardly any rain."

The Ink burned her, but she did not show it; not for him. She wanted a sword and she wanted his blood on it, again and again, until she was sure he would not come back, whatever he was. When he started his story, Eleanor's jaw tensed up. "Get on with it." Kill me, her eyes told him. Just try.

"He told me—" He went on, lifting his glass, as if she had never asked him anything at all. "—and I still find this impossible to believe— that in this land it would get so hot and dry that there would only be only one watering hole anywhere for thousands of miles around. This minstrel said that all the beasts were so thirsty that they gave up hunting in favor of sharing a space at the hole to drink. Lions and gazelle. Drinking together. Not a one fleeing nor the other feasting. Only drinking the water. And when they were done, the beasts — lions and tigers, gazelle and buffallo — they all went their separate way." His grin told her: All in due time.

Her own glass lay idle. Her mind created elaborate images of picking up the glass, smashing it into his gods-forsaken mouth to hear him scream instead of speak, but her limbs were lead heavy. None of it helps her, none of it.

"Boggles the mind a bit, doesn't it?" Conversationally, he asked her this. His gaze tore away from the room at large and finally he focused dead on her. He lifted his glass and sipped the liquor of choice through his teeth. He could be remarking about the story he just told her, or he could be talking about something else altogether, such as her bafflement at his very presence here.

Her smile was sickeningly sweet, curled at the corners and pretty as a newborn lamb. "Go f*ck yourself, champ." She was a feral cat who walked into the wrong alley, straight into a cage where an old tin of tuna had been a siren call for a door to snap behind her, left her yowling like all the demons of hell were at her tail.

"Ooooh now, Eleanor. There's no cause for that kind of language, is there?" He matched her smile, lowering his drink. Though his was edged and curved like the horns of a ram. They could butt heads all night. "Besides, where's the fun in that?" She sprung the trap with a mouth like that.

She shuddered out a breath, her eyes briefly falling half-mast even if they were still heavy set with rage; he made her feel unclean and started a fire in her that kept burning sharp. "Coward."

He clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "If I were a coward, my sweet doe, would I be here" You'd think a sword through the eye would frighten me into never daring to come near you ever again. Then again—" He paused to knock back what was left in his glass, rolled the flavor around on his tongue before swallowing, then set the glass down with a clink to punctuate the rest of his statement. "A sword through the eye should reasonably kill a man, shouldn't it."

"You were dead — dead on my own damn blade." Her knuckles grew white against the table's edge; fear and anger bounced against her guts and drove her mad. "Shall I remind you again?" His eye. She set her own on it, her mind moaning for answers where her body stood firm. She was trained to be this way, and he trained her well.

"Are you quite sure I was dead" More to the point of the matter, are you certain it was me you killed?" He taunted. He teased. With merely words he played her emotions against her. Stirred the pot of madness brewing deep down inside of her. He reached for the bottle to refill his own glass. "I think you should be certain of those things before asking a question like that. I'm not sure it's me who needs reminded of anything."

Her fist snapped down and into the table, shaking the bottle and glass; it was the closest she could get to punching his perfect, pristine face and that damned smile. "You were dead." Was he" Was it him or another" Had she failed" No, no— "I killed you. I don't know what gods-be-damned sh*t you pulled, but I saw it."

He laughed, deep and sonorous. "That's the trouble with women," he mused sardonically, rising from his chair. He put the glass down on the table, full, not bothering with taking another drink. This watering hole was spoiled. "You can put a sword in their hand, teach them how to use it, let them pretend they're soldiers for a while, but in the end they're all the same. Ruled by their emotions, and only good for f*cking." He practically dared her to come at him and throw that punch where she wanted it to land.

She jolted from her chair like a fox out of a hole, raw-knuckled and fierce as a desert storm. The fist of her better arm went out sharp for his jaw, the rage boiling through her veins, pounding through her ears until she could hear nothing. Give her a sword and she'd end the night in blood.

She was a swift little vixen, he had to give her that. She had the speed where he had the bulk to slow him down in comparison. But she didn't have the strength, without a sword, to defeat him here tonight. Her knuckles clipped his jaw, and his hands came up to redirect her momentum. Fingers reached to close around a wrist, twist her arm up behind her back, push against her shoulders and shove her down on the table.

And that was when Mish'Cael walked right into the middle of the sh*tstorm Eleanor brewed.

Abandon Reason

Date: 2009-09-17 14:49 EST
"What the hell are you?" she asked. As if she expected a simple answer. Live long enough and that's the one sure thing you learn about life. There are no simple answers. Not to anything. Yes and no just don't cut it anymore when it comes to people like me.

I'm no different than I was then. I am Dogal Dragonslayer, High Mage Knight of Kesina. Or what remains of Kesina. She razed that forest, burnt it to the bloody ground, and now I'm left waiting for the trees to regrow and the wildlife to repopulate. What the herd is lacking, though, is a resiliently crafty young doe.

She's not as young as she used to be, that's for sure. None of us are. Nobody ever is. Fact of life is aging and dying, for most people. Aging is a factor I have yet to defeat, but dying....Now....Dying I've got under my boot, licking my heel, and no matter how much it begs me I'm not letting it get back up.

Stay down there, Death. At my feet where you belong. A man can master anything, given the know how and the willpower. This man mastered death, and she's only now beginning to know it.

There's no place she can run where I can't find her. Get a good look at a prize piece of game and you know it no matter where it goes. I can see why she ran into this thicket. There's chaos here, everywhere you go. If I hadn't seen the things I've seen, learned the things I now know, hadn't put a leash on Death and kicked it into servitude, I may have been amazed by all that this place has to offer. Rhy'Din is a cesspool of chaotic horror. I think I like it here.

Abandon Reason

Date: 2009-10-20 19:10 EST
"You were dead — dead on my own damn blade."

Those words echo through the kitchen where I'm sharpening my blade. Underneath the shhk, shhk of the whetstone grinding away the dull edge and making it sharp again, I can hear her saying that. The words put a smile on my face while I work.

"She's right, you know," I say conversationally to the man tied to the table. His table, I should say. This is his kitchen where his wife cooks and that's the table his family eats upon. Well, they used to, until I moved in.

The man whimpers behind the gag in his mouth. His name is Gregg. Gregg Curtis Harrington. He's a big man, a farming man. Out beyond this house are fields of crops and paddocks full of livestock. I can hear the sheep bleating from their pens. They should be out grazing, but there's no one to tend to them. Not since I moved in.

"She really did kill me," I tell Gregg over the scrape and swish of stone grinding metal beneath my hand. "Put her sword right through my eye. Hurt like a b*tch, let me tell you. And the weeks following..."

Agony, I remember. Pure agony. All that skin and muscle stitching itself together. Rewinding time to mend itself whole again. All thanks to the spells I've weaved into myself. I didn't become High Mage Knight Dogal Dragonslayer on stories alone. There was real hard work involved, both mental and physical. All things considered, the mental was the most strenuous, and it reaped me the greatest reward.

"She doesn't need to know that, though," I say to Gregg.

He's a big man. Tall as me. Wide as me. Muscular as me. The hair's the right color, sun-bleached blonde. A perfect match. The face could use a little doing, though, and that's why I'm here.

The sword's as sharp as it's going to get, so I stand up, cross to the wall and slide it back into its scabbard with loving care. A man should always keep his sword sharp. Never know when he's going to need it. Not right now, though. I highly doubt that. I can hear his wife and daughter whimpering in the bedroom, through the closed door, where I've got them trussed up like a harvest banquet just waiting for me to feast. I've had my fill of them, both of them, and now they're crying. They always cry. When they live.

Licking my lips, I consider another go, but think better of it. A man can get fat on sex just as much as food. So I turn away from the door and cross back to the table where I've got Gregg laid out for surgery. "I hope she's wondering now," I tell him. "Doubting. I told her, you know, 'Are you quite sure I was dead" More to the point of the matter, are you certain it was me you killed"' Planted that little seed of uncertainty there myself, with a smile.

"And you, Gregg. You're going to help me perpetuate that little lie." For such a big man, the tears that spill out of his eyes are even bigger. Right now he's probably dying to get the gag out of his mouth so he can beg me.

Please, please, he'll say. Kill me. Take whatever you want. Do anything! Just let my wife and daughter go!

He doesn't need to say it. I can see it in his eyes. Those big brown eyes — we'll need to change the color of those. Big and fat and swollen with tears. They run like little rivers down his fear pale face. I swipe a warm trail off his cheek and smile. He quivers and whines.

"Yes," I tell him, leaning over the table. "You'll do just right."

Abandon Reason

Date: 2009-12-17 16:29 EST
I'm sitting at the table, that same sturdy table in the same stolen house, and I'm smiling. My eyes are closed and I'm relaxed. In a deep state of meditation with my crystal ball and looking glass. Not really. After a while you learn the physical components aren't wholly necessary. But the magic's coursing through my veins.

I can feel it tingling at my fingertips. Trickling off the ends like little marionette strings. My puppet's coming home to me. Job well done. Not a single slip, err or mistake. Everything went perfectly according to plan. Except for the part where I expected her to shove a sword through my face again.

A few practice runs around the area tested Gregg's mettle for me. The neighboring farmsteads know nothing of the fate that befell the Harringtons. My alter ego in Gregg-skin went around telling them his name was Geoffrey Broughton, a friend of the family.

"I'm just coming 'round to tell you folks that the Harringtons had to leave for the winter. Family troubles up in Yewport." Which happens to be the little village that Gregg's wife had come from. "They asked me to look after the farm for them while they're away. Not sure when they'll be back."

"Oh dear," said Mrs. Schuyler from the closest neighboring farm. A pretty little thing, too small and too narrow of hips to have born her husband any children yet. I briefly entertained the notion of getting some time with her, but that would be counterproductive. I don't want my doe knowing where I am just yet. That's why my puppet in Gregg-skin is calling himself a different name. "I do so hope everything's all right."

"An illness, I s'pect," says my puppet. "Think it was her mother. I'm sure they'll be just fine and back home again before you know it. But it's not safe traveling those mountain roads in the winter. So come what may they said they'll be camping up there until spring."

Spring should give me plenty of time to do what needs doing. I let the sheep in their paddocks out months ago to fend for themselves, to get picked off by the wolves. Every now and then I hunt one down from the herd. A bit of lamb always warms the pallet nicely.

Geoffrey Gregg is coming back to me now after I sent him out on his next assignment. He's nothing of the Harrington that he used to be. Not in body nor in mind. Excepting the height and the girth, he's my spitting image. I worked my magic on him too well, as evidenced by my little doe's reaction to him. He wears my face and speaks in my voice, but he's not me, and she was none the wiser. None of them were. Of course, she was the only one in that place who knew me at the time.

Her blue-skinned hero was nowhere to be seen, but there was another one. Some smooth smiling, sly devil of a man who didn't think I saw the way he raised a brow when she called me by my name. Well, when she called my double by my name that is.

All these wannabe heroes sticking their nose in her business. All these friends she's made in this chaotic city. What's a hero, though, but some opportunistic blowhard who charges headlong into the unknown and gets himself killed? Some of them get their names written down in history books, but all those stories end the same. Those idiots all die.

"You've done well tonight, Geoffrey," I tell my double in Gregg-skin as he comes lumbering through the door. He smiles my own smile at me and crosses the kitchen to the bedroom. Gregg's wife and daughter expended their usefulness to me months ago. The only thing in that room is now is an icebox, and it's where I keep him when I'm not putting him to use. He goes in there and shuts the door, and I disperse the spell to give myself some time to think.

"You put on such a brave face, my little doe," I muse to myself, tapping my chin and frowning. She riled me up, I have to admit. Got under my Gregg-skin and got me angry. But I riled her up too. She can't hide it from me, try as she might. Just reminding her that I'm still here, still working to bag her and tag her, has got her on edge. She'll slip soon, and I'll be waiting. Kesina will be waiting for us too.

Listen to logic

Date: 2009-12-19 05:08 EST
Empty people stood in grey Children laughing far away An empty courtyard wept alone Rain lashed down on darkened stone

A crystal glove points to the door A threshold I had crossed before On turning back all I could see Were her footprints on the sea

Now that I think of it, I've never had a life of my own. When I was young, I was my father's runt; when I was a knight, I was the King's sword. Even after I left, I was quick to lend myself to someone else's plan. It's what I know best: I am a tool and I'm best spent that way. When I am in control of my own life, I don't know what to do with it. Here is the canvas, fate says, and here are the paints and the brushes, but it's all foreign to me, and every stroke is an awkward mockery of a master's work of art. Here is your life, fate says, and I thrust it into the hands of someone else.

I tried this time, but I can feel myself slipping again. I haven't seen Mish'Cael and I've lost the comfort of his determination that I was foolish for underestimating. And Reap, that damned sweetheart of a man — I threw him away too, tossed him to the rocks. Preacher, he said the right thing always hurt, and that hurt more than I've got the proper words for. What have I got left here?

That's what I'm asking myself as I pack what?s left of my cabin up. Here are the folds of memory shoved into a bag, a whole life's worth: the scent of oiled leather, an old book with words I used to know, a pair of beaten wedding bands. I can feel the weight of the charms at my throat, heavier than before, the sword and wing I promised to wear until he wants otherwise. I reach up, brush my fingers across the alien metal; that's a word I intend on keeping, even if there are other words and other phrases on my tongue to share with Mish'Cael when he comes back.

It's a when, not an if; I expect he'll know where to find me even if I'm not here. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I shrug the bag onto my shoulder and take a last look around the old room that's been my home-away-from-Thirteen for nearly six months now. There's no sign of me left here. There will be no sign of me left in passing, no matter how I end up going. Here Lies Eleanor, Once of House Greene, a Doe Until the End. Dogal, he wants me at his side — for what, I don't know. His kingdom's dead and so are the ashes. You can't build castles from ash, old man, and you can't have me. My servitude for you is up, and one way or another, I'll smear your blood across the snow.

I'm going to miss this place. I cut the lights off, hear the sad echo of my footfalls as I close the door behind me. This is my time: the one where I steal the canvas back and paint it red with blood. My name is Eleanor, and though my sword belongs to a Baron, and my days are counted tangled in the sheets of a blue devil, my house is my own. My time is fading, but I've still got time for you, Dogal. Come for me.