Yesterday was my eleventh wedding anniversary.
I spent it fighting with my wife.
Why, on a day that is supposed to be a happy one, did this happen" A simple reason, I'm an ass. No secret there. But for the last few weeks things have gotten worse, and last night, after lying in bed and thinking about things, looking back over the years, I came to a realization. One that changed everything.
Back near the end of 1996 my newly-wed wife became pregnant. She was late on her time, and it seemed we would be blessed with a child. One day, at work, she was told to move a box of files, and when she went to pick it up she felt a sharp pain in her side. That evening, she started to bleed, and we ended up taking her to the doctor, where we found out the news.
Afterward, I grieved, as it also became apparent that my wife would not be able to have another child. I'm certain she grieved also, but one thing we didn't do was be together. I waited for her, gave her time, looking for a sign that she was ready to talk about it. I never saw it. We never talked about what had happened. To me, a gulf developed between us, we would not talk about the things that were important, and arguments grew more numerous.
Now, ten years later, I was lying in bed, wondering where the hell things had gone wrong. And something my wife said three weeks prior, when the problems really got bad, kept coming back. It had gotten bad when I saw my father three weeks past, on my birthday and the day before Fathers Day.He's been diagnosed with congenative(sp) heart disease, and has been given a year or two left. Unlike my sister, who died of sudden heart failure, he will grow frail before my eyes, wasting away until he finally passes on to be with Grandma Moore and Uncle Neil. As I considered that, the thoughts of that child came back to me. And the reason I kept hammering at the problem, making it worse by trying again and again to talk when the time wasn't right. It was because we had never talked about the loss of the child. It had sat and simmered under the surface, always spilling out the wrong way.
This morning, we talked about it. Actually, I hammered it into the middle of a budding argument, and then, my wife and I talked about it. Cried most of the way to work actually (Thank god for growing grass, gave us the allergy excuse for eyes). And today, for the first time in a long while, I felt"hopeful. I'm also thinking about that little girl or boy. They would be almost ten now. I like to imagine he or she would have my wife's eyes, and her laughter. I'll never know now, but one day, when I arrive in heaven to rejoin my family, that child will be there to welcome me.
I've been an ass, to my wife and my best friend. I have a lot of work to do re-building bridges, and I hope and pray I have that chance. And I write this today, not only for myself, but as advice for any others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Do not let it go. Talk with your significant other about something that may have happened. Communication is so much a part of any union or friendship. Don't waste it, abuse it or squander it. Listen to them, and talk to them. Especially about things that are truly important.
Today, I held my wife's hand and told her I love her. Tonight, when we are alone, we will finally talk and grieve together. Then, I will start healing the rifts I have cause in my marriage and my friendships. I have been blessed, and damn near threw it away.
Always, ALWAYS, talk. And more important, listen.
Tracy, I love you. That never changed, nor will it.
And Gen, thank you for being my friend.
David, the mun of tall, dark and gruesome
Posted with her blessing.
