Swallowing down the urge to throw up, she palpably relaxed as his arms wrapped about her, openly relieved that the news wasn't enough to make him push her away. Not that she had actually thought he would, but that fear would always be there, that someday she might go too far and alienate the one person in all of creation who loved her. Leaning back into his arms, she turned her head toward him, resting her forehead against his temple. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered. "I don't know how it happened. I've been so careful."

How ironic was it that they'd been talking about starting a family before their lives had been turned upside down. It wasn't all they'd been talking about. He'd been talking about changing jobs, selling his car, buying a home, and eventually all of that would have led to starting a family. But that was before they'd been attacked by vampires and he'd been turned. If it hadn't been for Tobias, who knows what might have happened to them' "It's okay," he reassured her again, even if he was feeling more fearful than happy about having a child. They'd stolen even that from them, too - the joys of parenthood. This should be a happy moment. Why wasn't it then" "How far along?"

She twisted, curling into his arms as her own wrapped about his waist, looking to comfort him as much as he comforted her. It was easier for her to feel a little bit happy about being a mother - she had heard the heartbeat, she could feel the changes in her body - but at the same time, she was more afraid than she dared show him. Not simply because Josef would come straight for her the second it became plain that she was pregnant, but because of the information Nick had just asked for. "Between 8 and 10 weeks, the doctor thinks," she told him quietly. After he had been turned. So what was it, exactly, that was growing inside her"

Nearly identical thoughts were going through his head. The fact that if Josef knew, he wouldn't just kill her but their child, as well. In fact, he'd probably take great pleasure in taking them both from him, but Nick wasn't going to allow that, and neither was Tobias. Nick kept his arms around her as she turned to face him, seeing the fear in her, but something else, too. She wasn't so far along that they couldn't end the pregnancy if they wanted to, but despite the circumstances, he couldn't - wouldn't - consider that option, and he didn't think she would either. Like her, he needed to know what it was exactly that was growing inside her" A child or a monster" "Ironic, isn't it?" he asked, after a moment.

"It's not fair," she muttered into his shoulder, lifting her head to take in a deep breath before she actually answered him. "As if things weren't complicated enough." Her hand crept into his hair, drawing him close until her forehead rested against his. "Whatever it is, it's our child," she said quietly, needing him to know that she had already made up her mind on this. "Probably the only child we'll ever have. I don't want to have the abortion conversation, Nick, because that is not gonna happen."

His heart, as inhuman as it might be, went out to her, his wife, the woman he had loved for these past five years. None of what had happened had changed his feelings for her. Their lives had been changed, complicated beyond human understanding, and yet, the love he felt for her had only grown deeper and stronger. He was stronger as a vampire, more capable of protecting her now than ever before. There was no turning back. He had only two choices: Accept what he'd become, or let it destroy him, and he had already made his choice, for her sake. "No," he agreed, his forehead coming to rest against hers, his arms locked around her waist. "You're right. No abortion. No matter what happens, it's our child. That can't be all bad."

"Do you think Tobias will know what it is?" she asked him then, holding on tight as they came to that quiet agreement without any need for discussion. "It's not gonna be entirely human, is it' Maybe it'll just be a kid who burns easily and likes rare steak."

Somehow he thought that was probably just wishful thinking, but whatever it was that was growing inside her, it most likely wasn't fully vampire or fully human. He remembered a movie he'd seen once - Rosemary's Baby - and had to stifle a shudder, but it wasn't a demon baby she was carrying inside her. First and foremost, it was their child, and he had to believe that any child who came from a loving union and was raised with that same love couldn't possibly end up a monster. "I'm sure Tobias knows a lot more than he lets on," Nick admitted with a sober frown. Though Tobias had become their ally, the benefactor, even their friend, Nick wasn't sure if he trusted him completely. Nick wasn't sure if he trusted anyone completely, save the woman in his arms.

"Without Tobias, we'd both be dead," she reminded him very gently, not liking to recall the night the elder vampire had saved both their lives and put them in this position. She didn't feel wholly comfortable living in the same house with him, but he had shown her nothing but kindness and consideration, and without him, Nick would have starved or gone nuts weeks ago. "If he knows, he'll tell us. And if he doesn't, he's the only person we know who might be able to find out. We don't really have a choice, baby. We need to know this."

She wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. He knew that without Tobias' help, they might have been dead already, or at least, one of them might have been. He wasn't quite sure why Josef had targeted them, except for the fact that he'd been the detective on the case that had been investigating a string of murders that seemed to point to vampires, despite the fact that they were supposed to be nothing more than a myth. Nick now knew from experience how wrong that assumption had been, since he'd become a monster himself. "Doesn't really matter, Will," Nick told her matter-of-factly. "Whatever it is, it's ours. Part of you and..." Nick trailed off as he realized what it was that was most likely growing inside her - a child who was half human and half vampire, if that was even possible. She was right. They needed answers and they needed them now.

"And part of you," she said firmly, wishing he could see past the fact of his existence and just look at himself the way she saw him. He was still the man she loved, still the man she had promised to spend her life with. He was everything to her, and no matter what race or hybrid the child in her womb would turn out to be, she was determined to love them simply because it would be Nick's child. "It's ours. And I won't let anyone take it away from us."

It. Nick grimaced at the very word, like their child was some thing, and not a being capable of human thought and feeling. He knew it was nothing more than a word to describe the child growing inside her, but it rankled him just the same. Whatever the child was - boy or girl - he or she had been created in love and would be raised with love, no matter whether it was born human or hybrid. We need to talk to Tobias, he thought numbly, half-wondering if the older vampire didn't already know what was going on right underneath his own roof. It wasn't entirely implausible; the man always seemed to somehow be one step ahead of them. "He's in the attic," Nick said, tilting his head to see if he could hear any sound coming from that area of the house, but there was nothing.

She knew he didn't want to turn her, also knew he'd never forgive her if she asked Tobias to do it instead. But Willow was stubborn enough to keep asking, to keep mentioning it, hoping to wear Nick down until he gave in and did as she asked, even more so now she was pregnant. There was a very real chance their child would be stupendously long-lived, and how much of that life would she miss if she remained human' But these were thoughts for another time, when they knew more. For now, she simply smiled as Nick dropped to one knee, drawn close enough that he could embrace both her and their child as her fingers smoothed slowly through his hair.

He stilled his own heart, barely drawing a breath as he focused his attention on his hearing. He could hear her heart easily enough, without much effort, all too aware of the blood that was pumping through her veins. Fortunately, he had fed recently enough that her blood did not tempt him, though he was acutely aware of it flowing just beneath the surface of her skin. The beat of her heart was familiar to him, slow and steady and even. It betrayed her at times, though she might not know it. He could tell when she was afraid or angry or aroused, just by the subtle change in her pulse. He'd never known how much one's body gave them away to one such as him, and yet, despite being able to discern her moods, he could not read her thoughts.

But that was not why he'd went down on a knee before her; it was the other life sharing her body that he was trying to discern. And then, suddenly, there it was, and he wondered why he'd never heard it before. It was quiet, subtle, barely there, but once he discovered it and focused on it, he couldn't ignore it. A small rhythmic whoosh between the deeper beats of her own heart, fast and faint, but definitely there and definitely separate. "I hear her," he said, choosing a sex for their child without knowing whether it was a boy or a girl, refusing to refer to the child as an it.

The smile that rose on Willow's face at his words was worth the heartache she had shared with him only moments before. He could hear their baby, a far more reliable judge of the child's health and well being than any other she could have named. Her fingers clenched in his hair for a brief moment as she let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "You can' And is she ....is she okay?"

He drew his arms around her, pulling her closer as he tried to reach out the child that was growing inside her, but nothing came to him. No thoughts, no feelings, no hint of an individual existence other than for that of the steady whoosh-whoosh of a heartbeat. "I can't tell," he replied after a long moment. "But she's got a good strong heartbeat. That much I know."

"She's very young yet," she murmured softly, not wanting to interrupt his unexpectedly close connection with their unborn child. Why hadn't she realized he would be able to hear that second heartbeat himself" Perhaps there were a few things about him these days she needed to stop ignoring. "But I'm glad you can hear her. It didn't feel right, to hear her heartbeat and not have you there."

He frowned a little, secretly wishing his could have been there, too. They seemed to live in different worlds these days - him in darkness, her in light. The differences that separated them were like an dagger in his heart, but he said nothing of it, not wanting her to know that this, too, pained him. "I don't need a machine to hear her, Will. Now that I know she's there, it's as plain as day. I should have realized it sooner." He was reluctant to draw away from her. Somehow, he felt content to hold her like this, knowing the two of them were safe and close beside him. Mother and daughter - or mother and son. It was too soon for him or anyone to tell yet.

"The doctor said she hasn't had a heartbeat for very long," she told him quietly. "And you didn't know what to listen for. You might not even have recognized the sound as a heartbeat before knowing it was there." She sighed softly, feeling an odd kind of contentment as they lingered together, enjoying this closeness without an audience. "I asked about ....about late clinics," she added softly. "We'll be able to go together more often than not. If you want to."

There was the big question that hung between them. Would he be willing to brave the outside world, to rejoin human society without fear of discovery or retribution' There was a long pause while he considered this. He couldn't lock himself away from society forever, like a recluse. At some point, he had to emerge from the safe cocoon that was Tobias' home and figure out to make a new life for himself and for Willow and their child. "I'd like to, yes, if you want me to." He pulled away to look up at her, not bothering to hide the loneliness from his eyes that he felt since becoming this thing.

"Of course I want you to," she assured him, fingertips tenderly caressing his cheeks as she smiled down at him. She saw the loneliness, understood it better than he might have liked. "I want to share everything with you, and that includes this."

He met her gaze, her caress touching him deeply inside, making his heart twist painfully again, wanting to reach out to her and close the gap between them. "Beanie, I..." He broke off, averting his gaze and just going back to holding her close, burying his face against the warmth and softness of her body.

How could he possibly know that all she needed to hear from him was that ridiculous, loving nickname to know that everything would be all right' Because when he called her that, he was just Nick, not the man who thought he was a monster, the man who complicated everything with too much thought and not enough sense. She smiled once again, holding him close as he buried his face in the softness of her sweater, not needing to find words to fill the silence. They had never needed to fill the silences that fell between them.

He wished he had the words to tell her how he felt, but he was a cop, not a poet. His heart had been hardened long ago by the horrors he'd seen on the streets - man's atrocity to man. It never occurred to him that it didn't matter whether he was a man or a vampire; it was who he was inside and how he chose to live his life that mattered. If he put his mind to it, as a vampire, he could do more good than harm; he could, in fact, do more good than he could ever have imagined, just like Tobias had done. And here she was - the love of his life - presenting him with a child, giving him even more reason to live than he had already found in her. Human or vampire, what man wouldn't be touched by such a development' What man wouldn't welcome it' "I love you, Willowbean," he told her softly as he held her close, hoping the words would adequately express what he was feeling. They were all he had to give her.

He could have just as easily gotten lost in the kiss, but first things first. Before any more plans were discussed or decisions were made, they needed to know what was going on inside her and what to expect. It amused him a little that she'd taken to calling the elder vampire by a nickname, as if that might make him seem more human, while Nick never referred to him by anything but his full given name. Toby made him sound so much more familiar than Tobias, and the older vampire had never seemed to have seen fit to correct her. "I bet you're the only one who gets away with calling him that," he remarked with a rare smirk that once used to grace his face on a daily basis as he moved - almost seeming to glide - to his feet, pulling her up with him.

She chuckled, getting to her feet with a lot less grace than him. "Only because you've never tried," she pointed out. "Tobias is a mouthful. Besides, Toby suits him when he isn't growling. I know it sounds weird, but Tobias ....the name seems too old for him, if that makes sense."

"He is old, Will," Nick pointed out helpfully as she got to her feet. He wasn't sure if there were vampires older than Tobias, but he had to assume there were. It seemed logical to assume that they grew more powerful as they aged and probably also more reclusive. He wouldn't go so far as to say that vampires were immortal, but they were definitely much longer lived than humans. They never got sick and were harder to kill, but they were by no means invulnerable. Lorelei had been proof of that.

"He seems younger than I feel some days," she countered with a wry smile, curling her fingers between his as they moved from the kitchen toward the grand staircase that would take them up to the second storey, and the smaller steps to the attic where Tobias did weird and wonderful things with chemicals to pass the time. Her lips brushed the back of Nick's hand. "No retreating on me now, baby. You're out in the open, and you're staying that way."

He frowned a little as she called him out, knowing there were still thoughts and worries that he kept to himself that she knew nothing of, though he had revealed some of his secrets in a moment of weakness. Or maybe it had been a moment of strength; he wasn't quite sure. "I'm trying," he admitted. He had to walk before he could run, after all.

"That's all you need to do," she murmured, touching her cheek to his shoulder. "That, and stand in front of me when we get into the attic, so I can get a good headstart if Toby objects to me being there." She threw her husband a teasing smirk.

"His bark is worse than his bite," Nick reminded his wife, having experienced Tobias' bark first hand, not quite realizing the irony of his statement, all things considered. In truth, Tobias' bite was more than likely far worse than his bark, just as was Nick's. He hoped his wife never had to see that side of either of them. He led her slowly up the stairs, purposely, knowing Tobias would hear them and sense their presence long before they actually arrived.

"Do you think he'll know?" she asked, lowering her voice out of habit the higher they got into the house, despite knowing that both men she lived with could hear the slightest change in her breathing at least three blocks away. "About ..." She didn't want to say it, laying her hand flat against her waist.

"I don't know," he replied, pausing thoughtfully a moment before continuing. "But I wouldn't be surprised. Nothing Tobias says or does surprises me anymore." He gave her hand a light reassuring squeeze, taking the lead up the smaller, narrower staircase that led to the attic. "Tobias!" he called, letting the older vampire know they were coming. "Are you up here?"

"That entirely depends upon you," the cultured tones of their protector and landlord called back, sounding a little distracted, but not unfriendly. "Are you bringing an argument with you?"

Behind Nick on the stairs, Willow snorted with laughter. Tobias had been very patient with them for the last few weeks, but he always seemed to know just when to point out how much frank discussion they had in a day.

"A question, not an argument," Nick replied without hesitation. Whether the vampire had overheard their arguing two floors down or had just sensed the growing tension between the couple was unclear. Whatever it was that had caused him to ask that question, it was no longer a valid one. Nick and Willow had made peace, at least for today.

"Then by all means, children, do come up. I'll open a window so Willow doesn't vomit on my experiments." The sound of said window being opened made Willow smile as she squeezed Nick's hand. As much as Tobias teased them both in his own way, he was remarkably solicitous of their comfort and safety.

Nick frowned. So Tobias had noticed the changes taking place in Willow and the fact that she'd been ill of late. He wondered if the vampire had guessed what had been making her ill. Nick led Willow by the hand into the attic - or rather, Tobias' makeshift laboratory, wondering if this somehow made him Igor to Tobias' Frankenstein. Igor, however, had been a creation of those damnable B horror movies again, and not part of Mary Shelley's often-distorted novel. "What are you working on?" Nick asked, curiously.

Tobias was mixing something in a pestle and mortar as they came up, the distinct smell of grease in the air despite the open window. He smiled at Nick's curiosity. "Let me show you," he said, setting down his tricks to pick up a small pot of something that smelt appalling and looked worse. He took some of it and rubbed it very thoroughly over his hand, coating every inch of skin before their eyes. And then ....he put his hand out through the window, into the direct glare of the sun.

Nick watched with curiosity and rapt interest right up until Tobias stuck his hand out the window and into the sunlight. He looked startled a moment, as he if was about to rush forward and tug Tobias hand back before he realized that it was a deliberate act. The last time Nick had tried such a thing, his flesh had been burned to an agonizingly charred crisp. "What are you doing?" Nick asked, clearly appalled and even afraid for the other man. Who would have ever thought I'd be afraid of the sun" he thought to himself with a heavy heart.

This explanation only troubled Nick more and raised further questions. "Okay, so what?s so special about us?" he asked, wondering how they had managed to conceive such a rare creature, especially since he had only just become a vampire so recently, or maybe that was the reason why. Was it because he still retained some residue of his former humanity' He had not asked yet, but perhaps even more importantly, would the baby need blood to survive"

"No, wait -" Willow laid her hand on Nick's arm, her own frown turned squarely onto Tobias as she considered what else had been said. "What do you mean, all the strengths and none of the weaknesses?"

Tobias sighed softly, gesturing toward the fireplace, where he had made certain to keep a pair of armchairs in case of conversations taking place in the lab. "Please sit down," he asked them both. "This may take some explaining."

"I was getting to that," Nick muttered, practically reading Willow's mind. It was the next on his list of questions for his elder. He wasn't quite sure what that meant either; he wasn't quite sure what any of it meant, and they had roughly eight months to figure it all out. Nick glanced to Willow and gave her a nod, along with a reassuring squeeze of his hand, waiting for her to choose a chair before claiming one for himself.

He might have been getting to it, but Willow thought it was a more pertinent question than what made them so special in the first place. Meeting Nick's glance, she nodded, moving to lower herself into a seat at Tobias' gesture.

The elder vampire waited until they were comfortable before continuing. "When I say all the strengths and none of the weaknesses, it is self-evident," he told him gently. "Your child will be able to walk in the sunlight, to see her reflection, to eat human food, just like her mother. She will also have the strength, speed, and senses of her father."

"She won't need blood to survive?" Nick asked the one question that was weighing most heavily on his mind, which he deemed a weakness, not a strength. He hadn't wanted to ask the question, not in front of Willow, but he needed to know, and he thought Willow did, as well. After all, if the child required blood, it was going to be up to him to provide it, rather than Willow.

"To the best of my knowledge, Willow may need to ingest blood for the duration of her pregnancy," Tobias offered, reluctant to share this but knowing it was essential. "Not a vast amount, a mouthful a day. And as far I know, it needn't be human blood. She could drink yours, Nick." He glanced down at Willow, who was listening with a very clinical expression on her face, envying the woman's ability to absorb everything and have an emotional reaction later, in relative privacy. "As for the child ....she will take blood during the course of breastfeeding, but once she is weaned, I believe she can survive without it. Like us, if she does not drink blood, she will grow weaker, but only to a human standard. If she does drink blood, her strength and other preternatural skills will increase accordingly. Naturally, I am not an expert."

Whatever peace Nick and Willow had reached only a few moments ago seemed forgotten in the wake of this news. From the look on Nick's face, the thought of his wife having to ingest blood of any kind, including his own, was unpleasant at best. "May need or will need?" he asked, needing further clarification, the detective in him coming out. "How is she going to take blood while breastfeeding?" he continued with the line of questioning, not particularly liking Tobias' explanation, though he was grateful for the vampire's help, as always. "So, what are we supposed to do' Let a child choose if she'd rather have milk or blood for breakfast?"

"It is not necessary for the child to develop, but Willow may choose to ingest blood to help her cope with the nausea," Tobias said sharply, his green eyes hard as he met Nick's argumentative gaze. The man took entirely too much on himself when it was his wife who needed to make that decision. "It is called breastfeeding for a reason, Nick, and do stop reducing everything down to its most ridiculous conclusion. This is your child and your wife. Stop behaving like an idiot and pay attention to them." He nodded sharply at Willow, who should have said something by now.

In actual fact, she was leaning back in the chair with one hand over her mouth, dealing with a fresh wave of nausea that had arisen as soon as the concept of not living long enough to see the majority of her child's life had come up.

Nick was angry, pure and simple, like he always was when it came to discussing the consequences of what he'd become, and yet, this wasn't about him really. It was about his wife and child and what they'd have to deal with because of what he'd become. He often wondered if it wouldn't have been better if he'd just died, rather than become this thing, but he guessed Willow would have disagreed with that. Rather than reply to Tobias' chastisement, Nick chose to say nothing, clenching his jaw tightly against anything he might have said, more for Willow's benefit than Tobias', only softening when he turned his gaze to Willow and saw how difficult all this was for her, though he assumed it was the thought of drinking blood that was nauseating her, not the fact that their child might outlive her.

"Sorry, Will," he apologized, leaning closer to take her hand, a concerned look on his face. Whatever he thought of himself and his situation, his love and devotion for his wife was rock solid. She was the only thing that kept him from greeting the sun every morning.

"I'm all right," she promised him, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm the stress that had brought on her feeling of sickness. "It seems to get worse when I'm upset about something, that's all." She lifted her eyes to Tobias, her grip on Nick's hand tightening. "She'll outlive me by so much?"

Tobias sighed, feeling keenly the upset in the young woman, and the anger in the young man, knowing there was little he could do to calm either. "I am afraid so," he told Willow gently. "But I am afraid there is also danger to you, in carrying her. I have never heard of a human woman surviving the birth of a dhampir."

Now that got Nick's attention. "What do you mean' Just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean it hasn't happened, right?" he blurted, trying to be as sensitive of Willow's fragile state as he could without beating around the bush. If he had to choose between the survival of his wife or his child, there was really no question which of the two he'd choose.

"It's not yours, either," she countered him before he could take on the blame for something they had done together. Her fingers combed into his hair, caressing gently as they had always done. "I do understand, but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty for it." She paused, the one thing playing on her mind from their conversation with Tobias blurting out. "I'm gonna miss so much," she heard herself say, hearing the distress in her voice almost before she felt it. "You won't turn me, and Tobias won't do it if you won't agree, and that means I'm gonna see just a fraction of our baby's lifetime. That's what hurts most. She's so special, and I won't get to see how special she becomes."

Nick's heart melted to hear those words from her, to see how this was tearing her up. Of course she wanted to see her own daughter grow up, to see her become a woman, to spend as much time as she could with her, as both a child and an adult. How could he deny her that, even if it meant damning her to the same hell he was living" In the end, it had to be her choice, not his, but before she made that choice, she needed to know what it was she asking for - all of it, the good, the bad, and everything in between. He wouldn't force this curse - or gift, depending on one's perspective - on her, like it had been forced on him. He leaned in to cup her face between his hands and force her to meet his gaze. "I am not gonna take that away from you, okay' But before we do anything, before we make any decisions, let's see what Tobias' friend has to say. That's all I'm asking, baby. Just give me another day."

She nodded, swallowing down the upset as much for the sake of her own stomach as for his, wishing she knew why distress of any kind seemed to make her nausea worse. Or perhaps it was just one of the idiosyncrasies of bearing a dhampir child. "One day isn't gonna change anything," she agreed quietly. "I don't mean to push, really. And I don't want you to agree to do something you don't want to. Just ....promise me you'll think about it, okay' That's all I'm asking."

Nick had to bite back the first thing that came to mind, feeling just a little defensive. Did she think he hadn't gone over all this in his head a hundred times before" What did she think he did while she slept' He sure as hell wasn't watching late night talk shows or infomercials. "I am thinking about it, Will. I've been thinking about it. This isn't a decision that should be made lightly. I don't want us to make any decisions either of us is going to regret." Mainly her. Not for the first time, he wondered if she realized just what it was she was asking him for and what she might be getting herself into.

She held his gaze for a long moment. They had been together a long time, long enough for her to be able to read his moods. "You're angry with me again," she said quietly. "I'm sorry." What she didn't add was that she knew how stupid and impulsive she must seem to him now that he had centuries and she didn't.

"Sweetheart, I am not mad at you," he assured her, leaning close to press a kiss against her forehead, trying to gentle his voice as he leaned back to explain. "I just don't want you to make a decision you might regret. I wasn't given a choice, Will. This life was forced on me. I'm not saying I'd have preferred death because I wouldn't. If that's what I wanted, I'd have walked into the sun weeks ago. But I want you to know what it is you're asking for. I want you to know all the options, all the choices, all the consequences before you decide. A few days, weeks, months, they're nothing. We'll talk to the dhampir, see what she has to say, find out all our options, and if you still want this, I promise I'll give you what you want, but I want it to be me."

"That's why I want it to be your choice as well," she told him, her voice still soft as they talked back and forth. "It isn't just about me. I need you not to regret it, not to think you've done something terrible to me. What's the point of having eternity if you end up resenting me for asking?"

He sighed, rocking back onto his heels as he considered his next words. Didn't she understand that he'd been over all this already? That he'd gone back and forth a hundred times" That the child was just the trigger that would force a decision either way' "I've thought about it already, believe me," he started, glancing away for a moment with a worried frown on his face. "It's all I can think about sometimes," he told her quietly, focusing his vision on some invisible spot on the floor so that he didn't have to meet her gaze, so that she wouldn't see the pain in his eyes.

"I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you." He didn't bother to tell her what he had already decided to do once she died, assuming she could put that part together on her own. Now that they were expecting a child, everything had changed, even the plans he'd made for his own demise. He felt as though there was only one path left to him, and that was making her like him. In the end, it would solve more problems than it would create, but would she end up hating him for it'

"You don't have to live without me," she said softly, understanding without being told what his original plan had been. Her hands rose to cup his cheeks, drawing him close as she kissed his forehead. "But no one said this decision had to be made right now, right this instant. I'm not asking you to make the decision today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month. We've got time, baby. A few months isn't going to turn me into a hag, is it?"

Forced to meet her gaze, he could no longer hide the torment from his eyes or the pained expression from his face. He'd been over this so many times, and he still had been unable to reach a satisfactory decision. Maybe it was time to let her make the decision for herself, but before he agreed, there was one last thing she needed to know, one last thing he'd been keeping to himself. It was an even worse thought than losing her to mortal death, a possibility he knew would destroy him. "I don't..." he started, his voice cracking with emotion. "I don't want to do anything that will make you hate me, Will. I don't think I could handle that."

She held his gaze for a long moment, fingertips tenderly tracing the line of his cheek as she forced him to properly pay attention to what was in her eyes - the trust, the love, that was always there. "I could never hate you," she told him, calm and certain of that fact. "I made this decision the night we came here, and believe me, I have thought about it. I've looked at it from every angle, I've weighed all the pros and cons. That's why it's your decision, baby. I know you. And I need you to be okay with it before we ever set a date for it to happen."

That same trust and love was mirrored in his own eyes, despite the tormented, pained expression. If there was anyone he trusted, it was Willow, but she was wrong. This was not his decision - it was hers. "You know I'll do anything you ask of me," he told her, his voice barely above a whisper, trying hard to keep his emotions under control. He didn't want to lose her, and he refused to make a choice between mother and child. "I can't lose you, Willow. I can't..." he said, his voice breaking again as he leaned close to wrap her in his embrace, needing to feel her arms around him, needing her comfort and reassurance as much as she needed his. "I'm always gonna be here for you. Always. But I can't do this alone. I can't decide alone."

There was one other issue that hadn't been mentioned either, and that was Josef. The vampire who had caused this mess seemed to have up and disappeared into thin air so well that even Tobias hadn't been able to find him. Until Josef was found and destroyed, Nick knew Willow would never be safe, and if Willow wasn't safe, neither was their child. In fact, Nick knew that if Josef ever got wind of the fact that she was with child, he'd do his damnedest to destroy what little happiness they had. Maybe turning her sooner rather than later was the better option, after all. Nick turned quiet a moment as these thoughts made themselves known, glad she couldn't read his mind - at least, not yet. He wondered if it was possible for him to connect somehow to Josef without the other vampire knowing it, if he could track him somehow.

She didn't need to read his thoughts to guess where they had turned, but made no mention of it. He'd only just calmed down again - she didn't want to risk him losing his temper for the third time in as many hours, just because of something she had said. "Maybe we should take a trip to the city sometime soon, then," she mused, as though he had answered her when they both knew he hadn't. "House-hunting. There must be some kind of system in place for house-hunting after dark."

He blinked out of his thoughts as the toast popped out of the toaster, turning back to Willow in time to hear what she was saying about house hunting. "Maybe we should tell people I'm allergic to sunlight or something. Like Michael Jackson. I can't go out in the daytime. I have some sort of weird illness." He'd been contemplating that for a while, too. What to tell people when they asked why he had to do everything in the dark. He set the toast on a plate, glancing over again to ask how she wanted it. "Do you want anything on it?"

"Just butter, please," she smiled over at him, resting one elbow on the table. "Actually, I was thinking maybe Toby knows someone who'll be able to help us. Someone who knows, maybe? And if it comes to it, we can always tell neighbors that you work the night shift."

Leave it to Willow to think of and suggest something as practical as getting in touch with people who knew what they were. "The vampire support group?" he asked, a little sarcastically, though he agreed it was a good idea, maybe the only idea. He'd noticed that there were people who seemed to know what Tobias was or who at least, didn't question that he was different. Nick guessed there was a lot they still didn't know, a lot Tobias hadn't yet told them. He'd hinted at other vampires who were working on cures and doing other research. He assumed these other vampires, like Tobias, somehow managed to hide in plain sight, living among humans without anyone guessing what they truly were, what they needed to exist.

"Sorry," he apologized quickly, knowing he shouldn't have said that. He turned back to the toast to spread a thin layer of butter across the browned slices. Food didn't disgust him, and yet, it didn't really tempt him either. In the first few days after he'd been turned, he'd tried to eat real food once or twice and had only been rewarded by becoming physical ill. No, he took no pleasure or interest in food anymore.

It was just as well he'd apologized. As much as she loved him, Willow did not appreciate having her suggestions met with what felt like hostile sarcasm, often left feeling as though she had made a mistake by speaking up at all. It still stung, of course, but she didn't make anything of it, with the apology given so quickly afterward. "It was just an idea," she said quietly, shaking her head. "You know best."

He sighed, knowing his big mouth had gotten him into trouble again. "I'm sorry, Will. It's a good idea. Really, it is. I'm just being an *ss, as usual." At least he was man enough to admit when he was being a jerk. "I'll talk to Tobias later. I'm sure he knows someone and will have some suggestions." It irked him a little that it seemed they had to depend on Tobias for everything these days. A man had his pride, after all. He finished buttering her toast and went about making her a cup of tea, not too strong, but strong enough to help settle her stomach.

But the more they asked Tobias for help, the more they found themselves in a position where they would be able to deal with things themselves, as he seemed to want for them. It had only been a few months, after all, and he himself had said it had taken him years to become as settled as he was now. "We won't always need to ask for help, baby," Willow said softly, brushing her hair back out of her face. "It'll just take time to build up those contacts ourselves, that's all."

"I know," he admitted, wishing he hadn't snapped at her. She was the last person he wanted to take his anger out on, but every now and then, he couldn't help what slipped out of his mouth. He was just going to have to be more conscious of it from now on. He didn't remember ever being this way before, and he wasn't sure what had gotten into him lately - besides the obvious. "Sometimes I don't know why you married me, Beanie. What you saw in me. I'm such an *ss sometimes." He took up the tea and the toast and set it on the table in front of her before moving to take a seat beside her.

"Yeah, you are," she agreed with him, smiling. "But I'm a nag. We balance each other out. Besides, I had to marry you after you ....did what you did at the drive-thru." She smirked impishly at him, and took a large bite of her toast, effectively leaving it to him to recall that evening and what it had led to.

"You're not a nag," he countered, though her reminder of that evening made him smile. Had they ever been that young, that innocent' "That was not my fault," he said. "That was all your idea." He bounced the ball back to her, leaving it firmly in her lap.

"You didn't have to follow through with it, though," she laughed back, returning the ball to him easily enough as she ate the toast he'd given her. The bland foodstuff did seem to be calming her roiling stomach a little, but she had a feeling Tobias had been right about the blood. That wasn't a conversation that would be easy to share with Nick. "That poor woman ....I swear, you made her hair stand on end."