Journal Entry 20061115.0102

Here I sit, looking out from the Core's great observation windows, at the drydock beyond. There's a trillion trillion stars out there, myriad ships in the cold dark, but I've only eyes for one.

There she float, serene and content in the lights. The new engines are finished, the construction is done. I think she knows, somehow. It feels like she's straining at the lines, she wants to pull away from the little places and out into the dark. It's where she belongs, and now she has new wings.. I think she wants to fly.

I think I do too.

But do I go out there? Or do I go back?

I think I knew that answer all along.

Journal Entry 20061212.1534

Sorry for the long pause. It's been a little intense ever since I made my way back to Rhydin.

Where to start? I suppose with the part that goes behind everything else.

Lorelie and I parted on rather unpleasant terms a while back. We didn't call an end to things.. but I don't think we had any idea what was going to happen at that point. Like I told her at the time, it had finally come to the point where it wasn't clear if we were in love for the right reasons or not. There was never any doubt about how intense we are with each other.. but it finally began to dawn on me (and I think her too) that we didn't *know* each other like we should. Like we weren't part of each other's lives, just leaving them at the doorstep when we were together.

It was a disheartening feeling, I tell you. Our last night together, we.. didn't speak very kindly to each other. I think the truth hurt more than either was willing to admit, and we needed some time apart.

That time was pretty much longer than I thought it would be. I didn't know what to think when I came back. The swell under her shirt was *definitely* not what I expected.

How do I feel, knowing that's become part of the mix? I couldn't even begin to put it into words here. I felt... uneasy at first. Unsettled. I feel guilty about that, but it was the truth. I'm one of the last people I'd have ever volunteered for the job, but the job's mine nonetheless.

Was I ever in doubt about the kid's origin? No. I can honestly say that never occured to me once. Whatever else we'd gone through, I never thought (nor do I now) for a second that it was anything other than my and her doing.

Time flows strangely in Rhydin, and moreso in Rien. She's close now, very close. Which means I have a lot of thinking to do. Whatever happens between her and I (and right now, I don't think there's any certainty about anything), the kid shouldn't suffer because of us.

Even though I already know what's going to happen to her, it doesn't change what goes down now. But still... am I ready to deal with this? I don't have any choice in the matter, I know... but am I ready?

I don't know about this. I think I need to talk to someone.

Journal Entry 20070115.1116

See what happens when you listen to people? Your family expands.

Dominik was all over me at the Hub about getting a dog. 'Great idea,' he tells me, 'They're the best company you can get on a long trip, and they adapt to life on a ship better'n you think. You really should get one.' He went on in more detail, but you get the general idea.

So after I found out Lorelie was expecting, I wasn't going to do it. Then someone else made a good point to me, that a dog would be one of the best protectors for a kid that you could ask for. Not to mention, I've certainly got the space for a dog to stretch its legs, right?

Went looking around after some tips from Wyh, Dom and Tabitha, and ended up finding one place offering pups to good homes. I did a little discreet checking into the place, and they had a good name. They weren't one of those puppy farms, but they did breed animals fairly regular for both work (hunters, herders and whatnot), as well as for families. Things that stuck out for me was that they took good care of the animals while they had them, and they did their own homework on those folk what they sell them to. So they don't just condemn these dogs and such to whatever person puts up the money, but more likely to a good owner. That suited me.

There were not many when I visited, though - the holidays tend to have a run on pets, due to kids wanting them and such. But they had a couple there, Black Labs they said, a brother and a sister who were more than ready to be taken. They'd actually gotten them somewhat housebroken already, too. I asked why they were still there (was wondering what was wrong with them) and the woman said she'd been kind of loathe to separate them.

I noticed that while I was talking to her - the two were inseparable. They were all keen on seeing who I was, granted, but even then they were side by side, just two noses sticking up at me.

Of course I got them both. Hell.. like I said, I have the room. And if they could talk, you could tell they'd be begging to stay together. It was so cute, heh. She tells me they were named Duke and Duchess, and I kinda like those names, so I kept them. I had to get collars for them, and I've already gotten all the tests and shots for them that they needed. Right now, they're both sleeping on the rug in front of the fireplace (they didn't take long to find that spot, I notice.)

They took great interest in Ally... oh, I should mention that. Lorelie told me even before we knew she was expecting, that she wanted to name her firstborn 'Karmalore'. I understand why, and because it's important to her, I didn't (and won't) say a word. But it's not a name that rolls easily off the tongue for me, and I dunno.. it's kind of a reminder to me, even though I know that wasn't her intent.

In talking with Jewell, the subject of names and such came up, and she mentioned that she often came up with little nicknames for her own kids. Right about then, as I was saying the name, the last two syllables kind of jumped out at me, and in particular the nickname "Ally". I like it, and I've been using it privately ever since.

What she uses once she's old enough, well, that's up to her.

Time to go, the dogs want out. I have a couple very long ropes and a heavy post sunk for now, to keep them from vanishing on me, till I get a sonic barrier up around the clearing.

Journal Entry 20070508.1643
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Been a while, again.

I guess I'm just not a conscientious person. Either that, or there are periods in my life I'd just rather forget, and not chronicle. But it's always good to pause after a while, and take stock of yourself.

So here I am... alone and finally at peace. Kind of messed up to say that, but there it is. Lorelie and I are truly through... and though it still stings (I'm pretty sure it does for her too), we're both better off now. We were happy in our way, but sometimes that's just not enough.

She's keeping Karma with her, and now that the Elders have been... dealt with, she'll have a much safer future. It still bothers me that she has to take up that life, but I'm dealing with it. I can, after all, see her any time I want now that I've worked through my issues. And they know, now, that if she's hurt like Lorelie was, I will be back. And I will not be kind.

Spent three weeks alone out here. Well, nearly alone. I had four visitors, Kairee (of course), and the three friends that cared enough. Wyheree, Lydia and Jewell. Funny, in a way, that it took something like this to open up my eyes and realize who actually gave a damn, and who I can just relegate to merely acquiantance status now. I've been there for others, but they don't always return the favor; so be it.

So, new start.. it's strange to say that. I really don't know what to do with myself now. For how much it has dominated and filled my life, I just can't face going back to work just yet. I guess right now, I need this. The cabin, the solitude and the wide open lands up here. And trees, can't forget all the trees.

I've done a lot of thinking on things. Life, love. I won't love again, not like I did with her. I might try the dating thing, and I'm not exactly puritanical about sex, but never again is anyone taking that spot. There's only one other person that could, and we all know that's never happening.

Except in dreams, mind you. And I can live with that.

Might visit the Outback again. Went to say hello to a few of those aforementioned good friends, and was suggested I should try getting beat up- I mean, duelling. Eh, why not. Call it a bit of penance, hehe.

Journal Entry 20070510.1200
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Had a long talk with Tabitha today. Her knee is pretty swollen, but it's carefully tended to and wrapped now, and she should be pretty much back to normal in a week's time. I offered to let her stay at the cabin, since she's having a lot of trouble getting around right now, and she's not keen on returning back to the chaos of the Inn just yet.

We also talked alot about where she'd been. She told me about the most fantastic adventure.. her and this Simon fellow ended getting caught by something (The Nexus? Or something else, she's not entirely sure. Apparently neither was he), and they were dumped in some bizarre land where magic was almost non-existent. Because of that, her wizard friend had no way to get them home, and they ended up having to help set things right.

There's so much more to it, but it's beyond the scope of this journal. Suffice to say, I have all new respect for Tabi - she's undergone one *hell* of an adventure, and came through with style.

She's also changed, a lot. More on that later, but that funny feeling I always had about her turned out to be dead on. She wasn't aware of it back then - but she is now.

It's nice to have company, though the dogs aren't letting her sleep. The moment she tries, they bound over to the couch and try to lick her to death. I either keep them up in my room, or lock them in the enclosed porch, which drives them batty.

Crazy dogs.

Journal Entry 20120115.1339

{Discontinuity detected. Updating.. }

Met an interesting fellow recently while working at the Bar. Doesn't say much, spends most of his time in there working on some big technical project. Turns out he works for another of the semi-regulars who comes in, a mech-pilot.

I tried to chat with him a bit, wasn't easy - but it wasn't like he was painfully shy or antisocial. He was just so focused on whatever he's doing, it's like he has tunnel vision. I asked him about it, and he showed me the blueprints briefly.

Damn.

Just a glimpse at what he's working on was enough to tell me this kid's got a gift. If he's half as good at the execution as he is with the design... this project of his is going to be something special. I think it bears further watching.

Journal Entry 20120207.0145

Can't sleep too well.

I noted in a previous entry that it was strange to me that Will, the engineer who was always hanging about the Bar, had stopped showing up suddenly about two weeks ago. Rhydin is a big place, and bigger still for those who work out in the black, but it still bothered me slightly. I guess because he was a constant fixture for a while now, then nothing.

Turns out I was right. During my shift last night, I finally saw his colleagues, who were now out looking for him. The crazy doctor had made wanted posters, and I briefly talked with his captain. I really didn't have anything to tell her, I hadn't seen him since the Friday before last, and Helix didn't seem to know anything either when I asked her.

After they left, I played a hunch and accessed the bar's security system. I had Eyeballs scan the logs visually and find the last recording of him - turns out that was a week and a day ago, when he was here during Helix's shift. The cameras saw him leave via the transporter, so I accessed that, so I could see where he'd gone.

What I found disturbed me. He'd transported to the Dockside region. I know he's not very familiar with Rhydin, but I thought he'd been here long enough to know that's not a place you go alone at midnight. Or most other times. I know mercs who walk softly there, and this kid's not a warrior type.

No one seemed interested in doing anything besides leaving a message for his boss, so I went myself. The downside to using a transporter is that you have that period of disorientation and vulnerability when you rematerialize - and if someone's lurking around, you're inviting a gunshot or worse.

The answer was obvious, though I really didn't intend to teleport out in front of people. If I'd been thinking about it, I would have just walked outside and gone, but the realization of where this kid had gone was on my mind.

I contacted Wyh for some backup (I know what I am, I know what I can do, but I'm not going to be stupid with Tabi and the three girls waiting for me to come home), and we searched around the area where he'd beamed in. It was a week later, so I wasn't as hopeful to find anything, but luck stepped in. Wyh found a toolbelt in the water just off the Dock, and it had his name on it. No sign of him, though Wyh pointed out that if he had been tossed in the water, the current could have carried him out to sea by now.

I ported back to the Bar, and asked Helix to give the belt to his boss. Hopefully they'll have better luck in finding him - I didn't tell them this, but I couldn't track him anyway. Without having the timbre of his mind, it's almost impossible.

I'm going back in daylight to have another look round, though. I may ask Wyh to ask Roran to come with me, she said his people have natural tracking skill. There's a chance he might pick up something we missed.

I hope this Willl kid just turns out to be on an unannounced vacation with a girl or something. The alternative isn't very savory... and he was a good kid. I liked him.

Damnit.

Journal Entry 20120913.0022

Tabitha is asleep now. Wyheree and Xenograg were here earlier to help, Wyh was looking after Maurin and Reinette, while Tabitha took a much-needed bath, and Xenograg stood watch over the bassinet. My fears over letting a comparative stranger are lesser now, both from Wyh's assurances, and having met the man myself. Of course, there are also two droids in the room as well. But my intuition tells me not to worry.

My paranoia isn't listening, but I think he understands. He'd be equally wary if our positions were reversed. In any case, even if I didn't feel better about it, I'd have little choice. Too much more of this and Tabitha's going to collapse, or I am.

There hasn't been any sign of the ... happening, since before Xenograg put that ward in place. Selene has been under constant watch since then, and no one's seen so much as an inkling of anything amiss. It doesn't prove anything, but the mere fact that it hasn't been disproven either, is something of a relief.

I wish I could catch it in the act again. Maybe this time I'd be ready to interpret it. Maybe I could stop it, eliminate whatever it is. Maybe I can ...

Maybe I should go to sleep before I forget what I was going to say again. Only six hours to go till I wake Tabitha up for her shift again. Then I can sleep.

Now if only I wouldn't dream.

Journal Entry: 20130610.2254

Insert appropriately witty apologetic comment for the gap in journal entries here. Heh.

So, where do I begin?

I should start with wrapping up my last journal entry. Selene's mysterious disappearances were resolved late last year. The little one's more gifted than we ever expected - she was dream walking. Actually able to disappear for short periods into her own dreams.

What does a baby dream of? I'm sure we all knew the answer to that once, and every one of us has forgotten.

Our family friend Selene O'Malley (yes, she's the one we named the baby after), was the one who figured it out. And she was able to 'go find' little Selene, since she too has that gift. Once we all understood what was going on, I was able to put the brakes on it, so to speak. It won't ever go away... but at least it's under control until Selene is old enough to deal with it. And be trained how to control it.

Which isn't going to be by me, it seems. I don't know where she got it, but it's nothing I've ever been able to do. At least, not that I'm conscious of.

So we spent the winter in relative peace, in an increasingly crowded little cabin. When I built the place, it was just me (and then, Tabitha dropped in). Now, it's the two of us, a five year old, a four year old, a one and a half year old, three dogs and two winged cats.

(Tabitha tells me at this point I should add "and a partridge in a pear tree" but there's no room unless she wants the bird perched over her side of the bed. Besides, the cats would probably think it's room service.)

So we've been talking and talking, and soon we started thinking about a new home. There's no lack of room in the clearing, and especially just west of the lake (which for reference, would be just northwest of the cabin). The thing that worried me was the low elevation there, particularly with the lake just about four feet below that point.

A chance comment from Cooper at Star's End Bar gave me the clue I needed - if we want elevation, make elevation. And so we've blocked out plans to build an artificial hill. I took the Lady far up north, and I may have violated my own rule on using shipboard weapons in atmosphere a little. But it was for a good cause.

No one was using that hillside anyway!

Now there's a massive heap of earth and stone laying where once was flat grass clearing. It's going to take some work to properly settle all the mass, and shape it into a proper hill. But it's worth doing right, so I'll be taking my time.

I may need more material once the initial settling is complete. My apologies in advance to one or two other small hills I flew over today, for the unpleasant fate they're likely to encounter in that event.

Hehe.

DATABASE UPDATE IN PROGRESS

Journal Entries from 20130804.1432 through 20140801.0000 have been archived and sealed.

>> Encryption: SET

>> Archive Mode: COMPLETE

>> Clearing System Memory. Initializing new template.

Journal Entry: 20150528.1001

Construction resumed. I guess I should talk a little about the new house, considering it's such a big project, huh?

I built the cabin about 8 years ago.. it'll be nine come the fall. At the time, it was just me and Hershey living there. The cabin was a haven, you see, a place to hide out from everything that was going wrong and crazy. (And there was a lot of that back then.)

Then in a year's time, Tabitha had 'dropped in' (the family in-joke), and was living here. Two and a half years later, we had Maurin. And in an other year and half's time, Reinette. That's when things started to feel a little tight - I'd built the cabin with just myself in mind, but with an eye towards the possibility of visitors. But now we had ourselves, plus two little girls. Quite plainly we were running out of spare space.

Then we had Selene, and it was pretty obvious we were going to need some more room. The cabin has three rooms (aside from our room up in the loft), and now all three were taken up - or would be. That's when we started doing some thinking for the future. The notion of building a house nearby was really the only option we could come up with.

The problem was water. The cabin's built on a natural rise that overlooks the lake, and even at its worst (like the monsoon and flooding six years back), the lake's never gotten anywhere near us. But if we built a house on the open stretch west of the lake... well, that could be another story.

I got my solution from a fellow at Star's End, name of Cooper Gallows. I was talking with him, Sissy, and a few others, and brought up the fact that flooding was a very real problem facing the whole 'house' concept. I mentioned that the cabin was built up on a small hill so we didn't have the problem there, and Cooper's suggestion was as obvious as it was genius.

If there's not a hill there, then why not make one?

Ok, I'll admit that's not as easy as it sounds, you have to be pretty precise when you 'build a hill'. You don't want it to start settling, so you can't just dump a pile of dirt and call it a day. But I put in the foundation structures first, and then it was time for a big pile of dirt. That's where having access to a small freighter does come in handy - there's a big wide flat space up about a mile north past the end of the treeline now, which we landscaped and planted a whole bunch of apple trees. A few years hence, it'll look pretty good (I almost say the idea would bear fruit, but I might get my pun privileges revoked for that.)

Obviously there was.. a long gap in the project. I don't really want to talk about that now.

But as of last fall, the landscaping was complete and there's grass all over the new hill. The rest of the foundation structures are in place there, including the water tank and distillation/purification system, and the generator plant. I also now have the basic layout for the garage and the underground rooms done. The foundation is next ... and then it's really time to start building.

Journal Entry: 20151008.1451

A chance conversation can lead to some pretty strange things.

In one of my forays to the Inn a month or so ago, I chanced to meet a rather conflicted woman named Reiko. At the time, she was debating whether or not to pursue some young fellow she was interested in, and sought my advice. Well, advice is a dangerous thing, but I said what I believed - better to make the attempt and fail, than to never try and wonder what you might've missed. I did not see her again for some time.

The next time I did was at the Dockside carnival some weeks ago. She was in the company of Andu, and seemed.. well, disgruntled, though she was nice enough to the girls and Tabitha. It turned out her attempt with the young man did not work out, though that seemed more his doing than hers.

What was different was that there was almost a 'prisoner' vibe about her, the way she acted. As it turned out later, that was actually spot on. According to Andu, the young woman in question was indeed under his 'probation', so to speak, due to an unfortunate incident in the Inn with her, a weapon, Katt and a child. I don't quite know all the details yet.

So now, Andu has taken it upon himself to try and rehabilitate Reiko, rather than just pitch her in a jail cell. (My thoughts on the authority to jail anyone in Rhydin City aside.) The problem, according to him, is that she is unwilling to open up as to the root cause behind what's going on - rather, she seems to just build up resentment and nothing gets any better.

A few chance conversations later, I've managed to gather a few impressions of my own. There are things I see that are familiar, especially after the last conversation. Somehow this all turned to Andu and I unofficially agreeing to start sending Reiko out to Star's End (when I am there) to see if I might have some success in helping ferret out her issues, and maybe help her on the road to recovery.

That, right there, is the key. One does not simply *help* or *fix* another, especially when you talk about emotional and mental issues. What you can do, is help them choose to help themselves. And that's where we stand now.

I need more information, though. I think I may have a conversation with Katt about her side of this whole story. No one side of a story ever tells the full truth.

Journal Entry: 20160606.1730

The new showers need better anti-slip mats. Just saying.