Volume 1, No. 1 April 5, 2008

Dear Em,

How do I stay in contact with my ex without upsetting my current flame" My current gal is great, but if she thinks I'm being unfaithful she'll tear me apart (literally). Please advise!

- Torn in Two

Torn —

First of all, I have to ask this question — why do you want to contact your ex" If when you broke up she made the comment about staying "friends", I hate to burst your bubble, sugar — but she was just being polite. Now if you have children or business dealings together, than staying in communication is perfectly understandable and entirely necessary. As long as this is explained clearly to your latest lady love and you keep the boundaries clearly in check, all should be well. However, if when you say you want to stay in contact you really mean you want to contact her primarily between the hours of dusk and dawn, be forewarned. I don't have to be psychic to pick up the vibe that something's going to be ripped off with force. Seems you need to decide which is more important and act accordingly.

Standing by with the duct tape, Emma

Dear Em,

I just got married, and now I have three rugrats. It's been two weeks - how do I wean them off of this silly dependency thing they have going"

- Bored Stiff

"Stiffy" —

I find it very hard to believe that you have it in you to be stiff or even cognizant at this point in time. And, for curiosities' sake, just how many of your grandparents were rabbits" Goodness me, I think you may have just secured yourself a serious place of contention in The Rhydiness Book of Records for the Shortest Gestational Period and Most Apathetic Parent. Keep this up and you could make it a trifecta for Most Prolific before you hit your one year anniversary. In regards to the little ones, I'm sure one or more of your numerous family members should be able to babysit here and there. But babes, I have to say I have no sympathy for you — "Don't do the crime if you don't wanna do the time."

Keeping Child Services on Speed Dial, Emma

Volume 1, No. 3 April 7, 2008

Dear Em,

Today I nearly missed being hit by a ladder, a glass window fell from three stories up and shattered just in front of me, and while fishing for my meal a barricuda jumped out of the lake and near bit my arm off. Is it just me or do you think someone is out to get me"

Sincerely, Paranoid Pal

Paranoid —

The "someone" seems to be the Universe, and even for Rhy'din, your coincidences seem doubtfully coincidental. You need to find a safe place and stay put. Traveling is over-rated and there are plenty of places to acquire a meal by delivery for a few small coins. Word about town is that being a hermit is very en vogue. Just tell yourself that you're establishing a trend and enjoy the solitude.

Singularly, Emma

Dear Em,

My sister-in-law has twelve children, though only four of them are by my brother. The problem is, she seems to think I'm her on the call nanny. She hasn't changed her ways at all, and I'm often left looking after the kids while she goes to party at the Red Dragon Inn. How do I tell her that I want a life, too, without causing a rift in the family"

Please help, House-bound and hating it

House-bound —

Is it just me or am I the only one who sees a schism in the way your family handles things" Do the other eight children have fathers or blood-relatives who wish to spend time with them' Call in the reinforcements, pronto! Regardless of that though, unless you are incapable of leaving the house under your own power, there are two avenues for you to pursue. The first is, calculate how much your sister-in-law owes you for previous duties performed a la nanny. I'm thinking a reasonable four or five silvers per child per hour is the going rate in Rhy'din, seeing as how you have to protect the children from the possibilities of vampires, zombies, explosions and the like. If she cannot pay her bill, and if you wisely insist on charging for and not booking any future engagements until it is settled, you are free of the entire fiasco. Or you can start taking the kiddies on trips to visit "Mommy" at the Red Dragon Inn. That way you can have your fun and the children can get a head start on following in their maternal footprints. Either way, somethings bound to change....and at this point a rift might be the very thing you need to get yourself some much needed breathing room.

Spaciously, Emma

Dear Em,

My husband is a dragonslayer, but he goes through shirts like a fish through water. Do you know a way to get out dragon's blood without putting a hole through the cloth"

Sincerely, Red rinse weary

Weary —

I've done a bit of checking around, and it seems that the only thing guaranteed to remove dragon's blood stains easily are dragon saliva or glacier ice. Pricing out both options puts them well beyond anything your husband can possibly earn in a month. So, to save your hands and the fortune you're spending on shirts and soap, send him on his way topless. He may get a bit marked up, but this way you can actually keep your manicure looking polished.

Wringingly, Emma

Volume 1, No. 5 April 9, 2008

Dear Em,

Is there a Rhy'din ordinance against burying pets or other departed love ones in your garden" How long must one wait for a missing-person to be declared dead and also, what is considered a civilized time for bereavement before you cash in a life-insurance policy'

- Green-thumbs

Greenie "-

I find it curious that only your thumbs are colored. What's up with the rest of your fingers " aren't they just as greedy for the policy money or are your thumbs the naughty ones, hmmm' Perhaps they resent being flanges of a different nature than the rest. Upon checking with the proper authorities, there is technically no ordinance that prohibits planting" err, I mean burial of a loved one in a garden. There are several social and moral mores that would inhibit such an action, but there is no ordinance requiring residents to have mores in the first place, so I suppose it's a rather moot point. Seems I'm just old-fashioned. My advice though, is to avoid placing the departed one too near the garden veggies. The sheer thought of it is disturbing to the core. Now onto the technicalities: A missing person is never declared dead in Rhy'din as they are liable to reappear at any time, and the courts simply refuse to hassle with voiding out death certificates any longer. Even the dead aren't really declared dead. They are just denied their post for failure to leave a forwarding address on file with the postmaster. Now if there is an actual body, and it has been actually buried" bereavement is determined by the amount of time it took to prepare the final resting place (and inter the remains) multiplied by ten. Anything more than that is just for show around these parts. After that time has elapsed, feel free to contact your insurance agent and place the bank on notice of your recent windfall. I shall hope that checking to see if your name is actually the one listed on the policy is a measure you understand must be taken.

Sorrowfully, Emma



Dear Em,

My aunt "Desdemona" is 400 years old and dating a guy who is only 240. She has been seeing him for less than a month, and he has just asked her to marry him. She actually said yes. We all thought it was a joke until she showed us the ring. (She has three children, the oldest 210.) We all think she is insane. He is young enough to be her child. When she realized that everyone was against her decision, she adopted the attitude that it is "her life, and she'll do as she pleases." This may be true, but he has nothing going for him, has no employment, and looks to Desdemona to be his sugar momma. She is naive about the person who got down on one knee. We all know what is going on in her relationship, and she doesn't. How do we get her to see what we see" - The Speaking Up Niece

Dear Niece "- Good luck, sugar. It is damn near impossible to change the mind of a girl or a woman (not to mention an ancient!) who's decided she is getting married. Don't ask me how I know this. All you can say is that you are concerned because of the age difference, his lack of employment and his aversion to bill-paying. One would think that with all her years, Desdemona would have garnered a bit of wisdom, but she's used to making her own choices and this is no exception. There is a chance (slim to none) that this marriage will work, and if it doesn't, please try very hard not to tell her, "I told you so." Prophetically, Emma



Dear Em,

I recently got a job about six months ago that I love. It's low key, and has great hours and good pay. There is one problem: the boss. Each time I speak with him, he asks what I have been doing, where, with whom, etc. I feel uncomfortable because these things are none of his business. Also, when I need days off, he will ask why and where I'll be. Upon my return, he will inquire about the details. How do I make him back off" - Annoyed in the West End

Dear Ann "

I don't know whether he doesn't have enough to do, he's hitting on you or simply has poor judgment. Is it possible he is a tabloid reporter or an undercover detective" Just what color is this man's hair, hmmm' Well, regardless, let him know — in a low-key way — that he is overstepping. You will have to bite the bullet and tell him, in answer to the next inappropriate question, that you really love your work, but the personal questions make you uncomfortable because they have nothing to do with the job. Add that you wish to behave as professionally as possible. And if that fails, fight fire with fire and start quizzing him on his day to day activities or just outright lie as to what you are doing. Use it to hone your acting skills ? that could end up being more profitable than working for Mr. Nosy.

Correctively, Emma

Volume 1, No. 7 April 24, 2008

Dear Readers —

My apologies in the lull of our publications. The high demand for our advice caused the printing press to overheat and melt gears and all the letter-type. If anyone knows of a better merchant than Mister Abalard Rufinoso, please feel free to submit your reccomendations. His syrup-slow service is to blame for the delay in the column being back up and runningly.

Announcingly, Emma ————————————————————————— ————————————

Dear Em, I have a problem and I need advice. I am love struck. I am in love with a woman I met at a local watering hole. We get along really well, talk for hours over drinks, and have great times. We want the same things in life, have the same beliefs, and really like each other in a romantic way. I want to spend the rest of my life with her except for one problem. She is married. I am getting annoyed because there is very little sign of them breaking up anytime soon. I feel like the other man and I don't know what to do. For background information, he is an ancient with no job, has few prospects in life and shows signs of abusive/controlling behavior that worry me. So my question is: Should I just wait for her to mature and leave him, or tell her my feelings and let what happens happen" I am afraid if I wait around for her to pick the better man (me), I will just be torturing myself. So what do you think" ~ Love Struck and Confused

Confucius "- When you say you like each other "in a romantic way," I am not sure I follow. Sounds to me like you are just good bar buddies. Are you romantically involved, or do you just see the possibilities" One way you are just a man with a crush. The alternative" You are the home wrecking "other man' and your instincts are more than accurate. I never recommend "waiting around" for someone's relationship to fall apart, but, feeling as you do, I would tell her your feelings, if only to get them off your chest. You'll never be able to move on if constantly asking yourself "what if". In my option, it sounds like she's hedging her bets by just stringing you along. If you establish that she is committed to him, I would create some distance between you. It will serve you better in the long run " and I am sure it will be her loss. Sympathetically, Emma



Dear Em, How do you handle a person who constantly disagrees with whatever you say' My mother seems to correct, disagree or play the expert with whomever she's talking (no matter what the topic or how subjective it is) in almost every conversation. For example, if I made a comment like "the sky is really blue today," she would reply, "Well, I think it's more violet."

She has done this as long as I can remember, but it is escalating and swiftly approaching a level of ridiculous. I feel like I'm being pelted with fairy darts whenever I'm around her. It is so bothersome that I'm avoiding her! My husband has said he doesn't want her in our house and has not answered the door when she drops by. She doesn't take well to criticism, and I suppose deities never think of themselves as fallible. Should I just stand by and ignore it' Should I say something (and risk the punishment)" ~ Battered

Batty "-

If you're old enough to have a husband, my dear, it is safe to say that your mother is never going to undo this habit. That is the downfall to being an eternal " they have eons to dig poor behavioral ruts for themselves. However, instead of fleeing her presence, I would advise another tack: Accept it and ignore it.

People like your mother ("the world's greatest experts," as I refer to them) have something ornery and overbearing built into their personalities. And that will never change. Instead, if she makes a corrective comment to something you've said, the proper response is silence. There is nothing you could say that would help the situation. Now if you are feeling a bit ornery yourself, I could see you having quite a bit of fun with contradicting everything she says. Example "Violet' Mother, it is CLEARLY indigo." If she's as "all-knowing" as she thinks she is, she'll be able to pick up on it and put two and two together. Regardless, I wish you well in the undertaking and award you the Sainted Daughter Ribbon for Valor.

Certainly, Emma



Dear Em,

Recently I took a real hit at my job and was passed over to head up a special project. I can't seem to shake the down feeling, and there really isn't anyone I'm close to in this world to talk to. Should I just pack up and go home — is it a sign I'm not meant to be here"

~ Unknown and Alone

Unknown —

I am a firm believer in the idea that you get what you are supposed to get. That Fate has a master script by which she directs the course of things. Just because you missed out on this special project doesn't mean that you won't get others, or that this was the project to end all projects. Perhaps Fate is sparing you a ton of headache and hassle. Perhaps you are supposed to use the free time to pursue something closer to your heart that has more personal significance than just work done for The Company.

While I can understand being sad about being passed over, it seems like you're making your job the pinnacle and focus of your entire existence. The feeling that you have no one to talk to is rather bleak to me. Rather than pack up and head home, I say clock out early and go mingle. There are plenty of people (friendly ones at that!) and places to explore in this world to make the disappointment disappear. Who knows " after a healthy dose of non-work activity " you might actually be glad things have turned out as they have.

Destinedly, Emma



Dear Em,

Fifteen tons, what do you get"

~ Sold soul

Sold ?

Another day older and deeper in debt, or so the coalminer's say. But in my opinion, sounds like one heck of a work out.

Pumpedly, Emma