Topic: A Diary

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-05-13 09:54 EST
May 8th, 2013

I don't understand any of this. None of it makes any sense.

Minoko told me that Sai has taken some of my memories. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it.

How could he think that this was alright' How could he believe that this would be the best thing for me, that he had the right"

I don't know what Quill had to do with any of it, or Logan or Brent or Kil or any of them. Do they all know that I've had my memories taken" Of course they do. They're my family. But how could they all just stand there and say it was okay' What if it was their memories that were going to be taken and not mine" Would they still have let him do it"

No.

Why does everyone in this family think it's okay to make all of my decisions for me"

I used to be young. I used to be a kid. I used to not understand the things that were happening to me. But now I'm twenty, well past the age of being considered an adult. I still feel young sometimes, sure, and I really don't know all that much about the world, I'll admit that. But does that really give the right to everyone else to still decide what?s best for me" Shouldn't I be the one who does that now"

I just don't know.

I feel completely lost.

Things keep popping up in my head. Things I feel like I should remember but I don't. At least not entirely. I feel like I remember them, for a couple of seconds, but then it just' goes away again. But there's always these lingering feelings, things I guess I used to feel when I had once lived this memories.

I remember a boy.

He had two different colored eyes and red hair.

I miss him.

...but I also hate him.

I don't even know who this boy is but I hate him anyway. Every time I remember him I feel like my heart's getting ripped out and torn to shreds. It makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time, and I don't even remember why. I don't even know if I want to remember.

...do I even have a choice"

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-05-15 07:15 EST
May 15th, 2013

I saw Fal yesterday. We got some coffee at a small shop around the corner. I wanted to go elsewhere but she said that staying near the house was a good idea. Something about another demon lurking around. I didn't argue. The last thing I want right now is to have to deal with that.

We talked. A lot. Most of it was just her trying to make me feel better about all of this memory stuff. I have to admit, I got angry with her. I even yelled. She kept on siding with Sai, saying that he wouldn't have done it if there was anything else that they could have done, if he hadn't thought that it was the best and only way. I didn't want to believe her. I still don't. I still don't understand how invading someone's mind and taking their memories away could be anything on the side of good. But she kept reminding me...

That's exactly what we're fighting for.

Even through all of this, I don't understand why me. I mean, I'm nothing special, or at least I don't feel like I am. I'm just me, that's it. Why do I get to be some super rare being that acts as some sort of balancing weight between good and evil" Who decided that I would be the best choice" Some higher being" God"

When I asked Fal, I could see the mixed feelings on her face. It's like she wants to believe in something like that but at the same time doesn't, or like there's something standing in the way.

There's always been something different about Fal. We all notice it, we all know about it, but none of us know what it is. I don't think anyone's asked her - that would just be rude - but I remember seeing it a lot when her and Sai were together. She always got this funny look in her eyes, and I swear that brown streak in her left one had been darker.

I asked her who Sai fought for. She gave me a sad smile and told me, "everyone who can't". It made me realize that I can't help, that I feel like I'm the only one who can't do anything, that I'm the only one who can't contribute to this fight.

But maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe I can do something to help. Everyone's always talking about all of these powers I'm supposed to have. Maybe I can use them help fight, to do some good. I mean, I don't have a clue as to how I'm supposed to use them, or even summon them, but...

Maybe it's about time that I find out.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-05-17 12:43 EST
May 17th, 2013

I spent all day yesterday thinking about what I can do to test my powers, or at least figure out how I can call upon them. I was left completely clueless. All I know is that they used to show up a lot when I was under a lot of stress or heavy amounts of emotion. I don't really know how to exactly put myself through any of that without it seeming too fake or planned so I'm kind of at a loss.

I decided that I need to learn more about myself and my powers first.

...so I followed Fal yesterday when she went to visit her society.

I know I shouldn't have - I wouldn't (and don't) like it when people follow me without my knowing - but I know that she's considered the most knowledgeable of our family, or at least she has the most amount of contacts and resources to pull from. Whenever we need information, she's the one to get it.

Or Jonas, but I think all of that stuff is already in his head.

So I followed her. It was in a weird part of town that I had never gone to before, or even thought about visiting. There was more than one time where I felt like I should just turn around and wander off somewhere else, but I managed to keep pushing those thoughts away and stuck to following her.

She didn't see me, although I think that was more because she's used to not being followed than me being any super sneaky kind of person. She kept making all of these crazy turns and, more than once, I could have sworn that we just went in a giant square or circle but we never ended up in the same place twice. It felt like it took forever but, according to my phone, it was only a couple of minutes.

Then she stopped at a plain, blank wall.

I didn't know what she was doing. She just sort of stood there, staring at the bright red bricks. I got kind of nervous actually and almost bit through my lip. But then a door opened. Or not really a door but, that's the best way that I can explain it. Something shifted on the wall. It was really crazy, like looking through a rippling puddle of water that had gasoline rainbows in it, but not...

I don't know. Anyway...

She walked through it.

I didn't follow. I was too scared to get caught.

But maybe, if I can find my way back there, I can get through the wall by myself.

Or maybe I'll go back to the church. I've been wanting to go back there for weeks.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-05-20 14:22 EST
May 19th, 2013

I tried going back to the entrance of Fal's society (or at least that's what I'm guessing it is) this morning. I somehow managed to find it, I think, but once I got to the wall, I couldn't get anywhere else. I stood there like she had but nothing happened. Even though she hadn't touched anything, I felt all over the brick for a bump or a button or something. Nothing. I tried calling on some sort of power to help me but, again, nothing. I didn't know what else I could do so I left.

...I went to the church instead.

I didn't go inside, I just stood down the road a little ways and looked.

Elijah would still kill me for going there.

But he doesn't know I went. No one does.

I could hear the voices calling to me again but at least now I know what they are. Well, I know where they are coming from. I still don't exactly know what they are. I'm assuming they're some sort of angel, or maybe even a demon. I don't think that's the case though. I don't think demons can look like angels - can they?

They wanted me to go inside but I didn't listen.

So I tried talking back to them instead.

I've never tried that before - I don't know why the thought had never occurred to me. I spoke out loud but don't really know if they actually heard me or just heard my thoughts. Either way, they understood. And they talked back.

I was surprised but....they were actually kind of nice. I didn't think they would be since they, you know, attacked Elijah and I the last time we were there. Maybe it's because I didn't go inside, or maybe because I went alone. Either way, it wasn't what I was expecting.

We didn't say much - I was still kind of nervous and scared I was going to get caught somehow. But I told them that I'd be back, that we could talk more.

Maybe, if I know I can trust them, I'll go inside again.

...on my own.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-06-26 12:23 EST
June 25th, 2013

I haven't written in awhile. I wasn't able to. I went back to the church a few weeks ago and I...

The statues....The angels....They talked to me again. They apologized for frightening me, for making me scared of them. They said that they never meant to hurt me, only that I had been in danger at the time, that they were trying to protect me.

Both times.

I didn't understand what they meant. I thought I had only been inside once, with Elijah. They told me it wasn't true, that I had been there before.

With someone else.

Someone who hadn't been everything that he appeared to be. He had been a demon, something that the angels were completely against and had fought before, would still fight if given the chance. They told me that he had been tall and slim, with orange hair and two different colored eyes. They told me that he was evil.

And yet I remember that, once, I had loved him.

How can you have loved someone that you can't even remember" If you don't have any memories of that person, of the time you spent with them or the things you had done, do any of those feelings matter anymore" I remember the feeling of loving him but it's hard for me to connect any of that to him, the person I see in my mind like the flicker of a dying ember. Or, even more, to the person that I have seen that supposedly replaced him. How can any of that, any of what was....before, be real if no one can seem to remember it?

Min remembers. So does Sai. Everyone else does too, it seems.

Everyone but me.

Everyone but me, and him.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-06-28 11:04 EST
June 28th, 2013

I'm sorry I didn't finish writing the other day. After I wrote about Toby, I just wasn't feeling up to it anymore. I guess I'm feeling better about it enough now though.

I didn't go inside of the church. I didn't need to. I got as far as the front door and just stood there, talking with the angels through my mind. They told me that they were trapped there, that it's why they couldn't come after me when I fled, to try and keep protecting me. They said that they wanted to, that they wanted to keep me safe. But the church was preventing them.

I don't really know how that could work. If you're an angel, aren't you able to go anywhere" I asked, they didn't really know how to explain in a way that I could understand. They said that when people talk about angels "being all around them", they were wrong because they were summing all of the angels up into just one type, one group. There's many different kinds of angels, I guess, and each one is different and has different powers. They said that's why I could do things that other angels couldn't, and vice versa; we're all special.

I guess that was enough of an answer for me, even though I did start asking more questions. They were amused, but not in a cruel way. They didn't smile sweetly at me and touch my hair like Fal does, or glare at me like Quill. Or just ignore me or get angry like Sai.

They told me that they wanted to teach me things, have me learn. They said that since I was an Astral, I should know things. Nobody's ever said that before...

I told them that I wanted to, wanted to learn. They said that they would teach me, but first I had to let them out.

It took me awhile to decide but....they're angels. Shouldn't they be free" I know what it's like to be a prisoner, or at least feel like one. I don't think that they, or anyone, deserves that.

So I reached out to open the door.

And it exploded.

That's why I couldn't write for a couple of weeks.

The explosion blew off my hand.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-06-28 14:13 EST
June 28th, 2013

That's why I couldn't write for so long - I didn't have a right hand. But it grew back, just last night. I can't explain how or why it took so long but...

Everyone was really worried. Sai has been gone for weeks and Quill didn't know what to do without him. Poor Fal tried to fill the Gunslinger's shoes but even she didn't have any real answers for us. Only Jonas seemed to know anything, and he just said that we had to wait. So we waited. And it grew back.

My entire hand. Can you believe it' It just grew back.

I don't know what happened to the angels. When I touched the door, it was like a huge explosion went off right in front of me. It blinded me and must have shot me back at least twenty feet because that's where I woke up. I was only awake long enough to see my hand, or not....It was just gone. I don't know how I didn't bleed out, there was so much blood. But then there was another bright light, thankfully not another explosion. I thought that maybe it was the angels coming to help. I don't know, maybe it was. I was only awake long enough to see the silhouette of someone coming down to me from above.

Then I was back in my bed at home. Quill was right there next to me. She said that I had been out for three days. Three whole days.

My hand was fixed up and wrapped like a mummy's. I guess the bleeding wouldn't stop and they had been scared that I was going to die, but that obviously didn't happen. Jonas had been there and I guess he had somehow helped. I'll have to remember to thank him when I see him, but I haven't since I've been awake.

So, there you have it. That's why I haven't been able to write. I don't know what happened to the angels, where they went or even if they're free. I want to go back to the church to look but....I'm more than a little afraid.

Maybe they'll come to me now that I'm better.

I'll admit, I'm kind of hoping that they do.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-07-10 11:39 EST
July 9th, 2013

I dreamed of them. The angels.

It was mostly just a flashback to what happened with the explosion. I remember being in front of the church, I could see it rising up in front of me, and the front door was blown open - the door itself had been ripped right off of its hinges. There were lights streaming out of it, four of them, and there was bright smoke twisting and turning all around them. It was as if it was trying to capture them, reel them back inside of the church, but the lights escaped, shooting straight up into the sky. That's when the smoke came at me.

I couldn't move - I was just lying there on the ground, immobile. The smoke started hovering over me, spreading out like a thick cloud. I looked over to my hand and saw that some of the smoke was already there. It....looked like my hand. It wasn't but it was shaped like it, like it was a fake version, moving on its own. But the scariest part was that it was spreading, crawling up my arm.

That's when I saw that bright light coming from above. I still couldn't see what it was but I know that something reached out to me. It touched my arm, just above where the smoke had taken over, and I saw the cloud coil back as if it were actually alive. But it didn't go away. I could see it started to churn, like it was angry at the light. And that's when it started devouring my wrist.

At first I couldn't feel anything - it was a dream, after all, I shouldn't have. But this time, that wasn't true. I watched as the smoke started to....eat my wrist. Skin, muscle, bone - it was eating it, tearing it apart until there was nothing left. I was transfixed, just staring. And that's when it started to hurt.

It was the worst pain I had ever felt. My skin was being ripped off, shredded by invisible teeth, and my nerves felt like they were being seared by acid and burned. My bones were crumbling, being crushed until they were nothing but dust, and I could see my muscles and tendons being torn from inside of me, the blood gushing everywhere. I started to scream.

That's when I was back in my bed. Jonas was there. I hadn't seen him since I recovered from the actual incident so I was kind of surprised but, for some reason, it didn't bother me. He didn't say anything and neither did I so I just smiled. That's when I saw them, the angels. I didn't see them exactly as I had before, like statues, and I couldn't really tell who they were either but I just knew it was them. They were standing behind Jonas like four tall pillars of light. I don't know if he saw them or even knew they were there but, for some reason, it didn't matter. Jonas reached out to me, the four lights stretching out right behind him...

And then I woke up.

...

I wanted to dream of the angels but not like that. I wanted them to actually come to me, talk to me. It sounds weird but I feel lonely without them. I can't describe it. Even though when I did see them I had been scared, something had just felt....right. Like I was home.

I know all of this sounds crazy but, hey, this is my diary. If I'm going to ask silly questions or say stupid things, it might as well be here.

It's not like anyone is going to be reading it.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-08-09 15:13 EST
August 8th, 2013

So much has been happening, I don't even know where to start. My head is pounding and nothing really makes any sense. The only one thing I can say right now for sure is, I guess I never really thought about getting back my memories.

Who knew they would be more than just stupid ones about a boy.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-10-04 15:53 EST
October 4th, 2013

I saw a demon today.

I was at the Red Dragon and I had barely taken a seat at the bar when he appeared. Natasha was there, the woman who's dog I sometimes take care of, and I honestly don't think I would be here writing this if it wasn't for her.

The whole thing was terrifying. I don't even know where to start. At first everything was fine but then....it was like the finger of death ran down my spine. Everything went cold and it felt like I was naked out in the middle of winter, my lungs filled with ice. I was beyond scared, I can't even describe it. But he wouldn't go away.

He kept coming closer, snapped at me to "turn it down". I snapped back. I don't know why or where it came from, I was so scared, but I couldn't help it. I didn't understand why he was so angry at me, why he looked like he wanted to tear me apart and eat me alive. I wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting there. It didn't make any sense at all.

And then there was this feeling...

I don't remember any of it, of what it actually did but, I remember this sensation...

I felt like I became whole.

I know it doesn't really make sense. Trust me, I don't understand it either. I just know that, for a moment, I blacked out but I remember the sense of understanding, of knowing, of being without question. I've never felt like before that in my whole life; I've always been the one left wondering. But this time, it was like I remembered. I knew.

I knew everything.

It didn't last long and before I knew it, Natasha was helping me out the door while the demon roared and came after me. One of her friends somehow managed to stop him though and Natasha got me outside.

And then it was gone. All of it. The fear, the confusion, the searing cold. Everything went back to normal, aside from that I felt I could sleep for the next three days straight. Now I'm just left wondering. Why was the demon so angry' I have seen demons before, of a sort, but never have they reacted so fiercely. What was I doing that was so offensive" I know that being an Astral can sometimes make demons uncomfortable but, I didn't do anything on purpose to make him so upset.

I think he wanted to kill me...

I talked with Natasha for awhile after all of that and I think she's right; I need everyone to tell me. I need to know everything, all of it, the whole truth. Otherwise, what?s the point of me being an Astral"

...I think it's time for me to stop being such a kid.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-10-24 07:00 EST
October 24th, 2013

A man stopped me to talk to me last night.

Things have been so busy, I didn't think anything of it. I'm moving out of the house and in with Natasha, Minoko and Emlen are getting married next Spring, Elijah came back from being gone for so long only to have to leave again, and that demon is still lingering at the Inn.

It doesn't sound like a lot but it's been hard to handle, and this....Astral part of me hasn't been easy to control either.

But back to the man.

He was strange even though he looked rather normal. He was tall, somewhat thin and wore all black. I guess it really wasn't out of the ordinary but....there was just something about him that felt wrong.

He stopped me on the sidewalk on my way back home. I was only planning on filling up some boxes for the move over the weekend so I didn't mind. I thought that maybe he was lost.

But then he started asking me questions. He asked about how long I've been here and where I was before. He asked if I lived with my family, if I knew a lot of people in Rhydin, if I had a job or a hobby or any favorite places to visit.

Then he started asking about the church.

I didn't want to answer him - thinking about that place has started to give me headaches and make my hand hurt - but he was persistent. He asked if I knew where it was, how often I had gone. He wanted to know if I might be able to show him how to get there. That's when I started to get nervous and told him I had to go - that strange something about him had started to feel worse.

He didn't do anything to stop me but he just watched.

I swear I can still feel his eyes staring at my back.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-10-27 16:42 EST
October 25th, 2013

The Fright Night that Katt hosted today was so much fun! But I won't lie, it was way more scary than I thought it was going to be.

I went with Minoko, Jamie and Katan. Min was dressed as Sailor Mars, even though I don't think she really knows who that is. Jamie went dressed as Robin Hood, and he was really cranky that there weren't any girls there for him to hit on. Katan, though, was my favorite. He dressed up as Jareth, the Goblin King, to match my outfit. I was Sarah, from the movie "Labyrinth", dressed in her princess ball gown that she wore during their masquerade dancing scene.

I wish that we had gotten to stay longer but we got freaked out trying to get through the haunted maze. I really hope that there are more parties or something, though. I want to be able to wear my costume again!

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvpqlXJsg1qlem2bo1_400.jpg

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-10-27 22:25 EST
October 27th, 2013

I saw that man again.

He was sitting at a coffee shop, at a table out front by the road. He must have seen me before I saw him because, by the time I noticed him, he was already looking at me. I got nervous and tried to hurry, but he kept staring. As I went to pass by his table, he stopped me.

He greeted me kindly and I smiled back, not wanting to be rude. He asked where I was going, I told him home. He asked where I was coming from and I said the stables where I worked. He looked oddly amused.

Then he asked me again about the church. Just the mention of it made my hand ache and so I clenched it, putting it into my pocket. I couldn't read the expression on his face when he looked down to notice. All I can guess is that I must have looked ridiculous, wearing Elijah's coat.

It took a little while but he finally looked back up. He stood, and I hadn't realized until then just how much taller he was than me.

He asked me, again, if I would be able to take him to where the church is. I was beyond nervous and, quietly, told him that I didn't think that was a good idea. He just kept staring. I felt like I was on trial.

Finally, I took a step back. He didn't follow. I told him that I had to go, that I had people waiting for me. He just nodded.

It wasn't until I was walking away that he said anything.

He told me that I looked pretty as a princess.

I didn't look back.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-10-30 07:10 EST
October 30th, 2013

It's early in the morning. I can't sleep. But I had the strangest dream.

I was standing on a cliffside, looking out over the whole of Rhydin. The smell of the oncoming Winter was blazing in my nose and I was shivering - I only had on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and my hoodie, but the wind was cutting right through me.

I don't know what I was doing there. I was just....standing.

But then I heard someone say my name from behind me.

I turned to look and....it was a boy. A young man, really, but one that I didn't know. Or....at least I thought I didn't.

He had orange hair and blue eyes, and he was tall and built lean but rather slender. He only wore pants and a shirt - he didn't wear any shoes but he wasn't shivering.

When he smiled at me, I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

I didn't know whether I should have been happy to see him or angry - I guess it was a bit of both. There was a part of me that wanted to throw myself at him, to hug him and laugh and have him tell me that everything was alright. But there was another part of me that wanted to scream, to hit him and cry and blame him for so much that had happened.

I knew, then, that he was the one to blame. I knew, then, that he was the reason my memories were taken away.

I also knew that he was gone, that this was the only way I was ever going to see him again.

When I woke up, I felt the sense of having gained something that I had lost, but also of losing it all over again. I was overcome with the heaviest sadness that I had ever felt.

It was then that I felt a hand, comfortingly, on my shoulder.

It's still resting there now.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-11-01 11:11 EST
November 1st, 2013

I dreamed of the angels last night. Or, at least I think it was a dream.

I was laying in bed in my new room at Natasha's place, sleeping soundly. I awoke for no reason at all, just opened my eyes and was instantly awake. I sat up and looked around, and there were these four pillars of light standing beside my bed.

Normally I would have been scared but, for some strange reason, I wasn't. Maybe it was because I knew it was them, I don't know. There was just this overwhelming sense of comfort, like a warm blanket of calm draping across my shoulders.

I could see there faces now and they were no longer stone. They each looked so different. One was like a prince, tall and regal and stoic, while another was in constant prayer, his hands pressed together before him. The third looked like a blind scholar, a swatch of cloth over his eyes and a thick, heavy book drawn up to his chest by arms crossed at the wrists. The last was plainly a warrior, with his armor and tall spear and aura full of command. But when I smiled at them, they all smiled back. It wasn't anything like when I had been at the church.

We talked - I don't really remember what about because there weren't any words. It was like we were talking with our thoughts, any feeling or emotion we wanted to convey instantly shared with the others. It was the strangest way I had ever communicated, but it felt so right.

I knew that they were happy to see me, to have found me. They said they had been waiting for me for a long time. They said that they were free now, and apologized for the toll it took on me, the losing of my hand. They were happy that it grew back though, and said that it was a sign that my powers as an Astral were getting stronger.

This made me sit up straight. They knew that I was an Astral so they had to know where I was from and what it all meant. But, sadly, they couldn't answer. They told me that they weren't allowed access to all of their memories.

This hit me particularly hard.

I knew what it felt like to lose oneself, to suddenly have pieces of yourself missing, your past full of black holes that you didn't know how to fill. Yes, a lot has been coming back to me but....it didn't change the fact that I knew that my memories had once been taken. I still felt violated, wronged. I felt hollow.

The blind mage reached out to me then, placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and smiled - there was an instant wave of tranquility washing over me. He looked at me, even though I couldn't see his eyes, and gave me a sad smile. It was then I felt from him the deepest of sympathy.

I woke up, sitting in my bed. The angels were gone and I felt suddenly alone.

But then Rufus came back into my room and sprawled next to me to, taking up half the bed. I snuggled up close, burying my face into his long fur.

I found it funny that he smelled like flowers.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-11-07 06:55 EST
November 6th, 2013

I saw him again. That man in black.

I was walking to the house, to visit Quill, when I saw him standing on the side of the street. He wasn't doing anything, just standing there, leaning against one of the brick buildings. I don't know if he was looking for me - his head was turned down - but he must have known because when I stopped, he looked up. We just stared at each other for a long while. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him again but I couldn't just turn around and run.

I felt unreasonably scared of him.

So I crossed the street and headed home instead, to Natasha's place. I kept looking behind me to see if he was going to follow but he didn't.

All he did was stare.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-11-08 06:52 EST
November 8th, 2013

They said that things were going to change.

The angels.

They came to me again last night, standing next to my bed just like before. I felt so comfortable in their presence, so calm and serene. But they weren't. They were sad.

They knew that I was going through the process of reclaiming my memories, that it is happening on its own and I have no control over it, and they offered me sympathy. But it wasn't just that causing them grief.

They said that things were going to change, that things were going to start happening, that my life wasn't going to be so simple anymore. I didn't understand what they meant. I mean, ever since I can remember I know that my life hasn't been considered "normal" - especially after we discovered that I'm an Astral - but what could make it any more difficult than it's already been" I was told, once, that my abilities developed depending on those around me, that what they make me feel is what makes me change. I can't think of anything that has happened that is so dramatic that it would make things accelerate.

And that's where they said that it wasn't just everyone else anymore.

They told me that I was coming to the point where I could change myself, that the true being inside of me was beginning to realize its own nature and would, in turn, be able to start evolving without the need of outside influence. Although, they did say that because of the recent influx of demonic presence around me, my Astral soul was beginning to want to defend itself.

Me" Defend myself" Okay, so I'm not exactly helpless - or so I've been told - but I still really don't like violence, and I've never had to get myself out of trouble before. Not when it involved a demon. How am I supposed to just naturally learn that"

The angels told me it would happen in time. That, when it did, to just trust in myself.

...That's a hard thing to do.

How am I supposed to trust myself when I still don't even know who I really am?

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-11-11 09:27 EST
November 11th, 2013

They told me that it was time. Time to discover more about myself. They said that if I didn't, I would be caught unprepared.

Unprepared for what?

They didn't say.

All I know is that when they tell me something, I believe them.

That's why I left the apartment last night and found the wall that I had followed Fallon to so long ago.

I just stood there for what felt like hours, staring at the crumbling brick. It looked so normal, like nothing was amiss. But then....I saw it. At first I didn't believe it - I even squinted my eyes like I couldn't see. But it was there, a crack in the wall.

It was a secret door.

I was scared to touch it, remembering what had happened the last time. My hand ached just thinking about it, but the angels were there. They told me that it would be okay, that I wouldn't get hurt again.

I believed them.

The instant my hand touched the wall, it glowed a bright white. Not the wall, my hand. Then the door opened.

I have never seen anything like it. How something so big could fit, hidden, behind just a simple wall is beyond me. But there it was, a huge, vast library filled to the brim with thousands of books. The place was massive, towering far above me, with stairs and balconies and walkways, all lined with shelf after shelf of tomes and baubles and scrolls.

It was like something out of a dream, but the angels told me that I couldn't stay long. They said that it was dangerous, that if I was found out, I would be punished. Nervous now, I started searching for whatever it was that they had me looking for.

Again, it felt like hours. There was so much in there, I didn't have the slightest idea of where to start. But the angels helped me. They guided me through the weaving hallways and twisted staircases, past hundreds of books and items that looked like things out of storybooks. There were crystals and golden trinkets, statues and elaborate paintings. I couldn't help but stare at them in wonder, even as the angels gently coaxed me on. They brought me high up, six levels above the main floor. They guided me to a large, old book, bound in dark leather and gilded with gold. There was a lock on the front, but they said that didn't matter - it would open for me when I wished.

I took the book and turned, ready to descend the stairs, when something caught my eye.

It was a mirror, but not one I had ever seen the likes of before. It was beautiful - I wish I could draw well enough to show you. It was slender, only about my shoulder width and half my height in length, if that. Around it was golden filigree, twisting and curling, and the face of it was smooth. It was my image, though, that made me stop and stare. I could see myself, of course, but what was more...

I could see my heart.

It was like looking at the center of the sun, it was glowing so bright, pure and white and brilliant. I couldn't stop staring at it - I had never seen anything like it before. But what really hit me was....this is what is inside of me. This is what everyone else knows about, this is what everyone else has seen but me. This is what I have been told is dwelling inside of me, the holy light that I harbor within my soul. This is why my life has been so chaotic, why everyone has been protecting me since I was born, why I have never lead a normal life and why I never will.

This was the actual piece of me that was growing, turning me into the Astral that I apparently am.

...I took the mirror. I took the mirror and the book and I ran.

I don't know if the angels had meant for me to find the mirror or not - they haven't said - but I'm glad that I took it anyway. It's standing on my bureau next to the book with a piece of silk draped over it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it but....it's weird...

I'm more scared of the book.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-11-12 06:52 EST
November 12th, 2013

What do you say to someone who is most likely dead" How do you talk to someone when your memories of them are scattered, twisting around you like fallen leaves in the wind" How do you react, what do you do?

I wish that I knew.

I saw Toby again, in a dream. It was back at that same cliff, lonely and cold and desolate. He was sitting this time, his arms wrapped around his legs. His knees were draw up and spread, stretching his arms to their full extent and pulling at his long fingers which were clasped around the other wrist. His feet were bare, ankles crossed. He was wearing only those same jeans and thin t-shirt and I wondered how he wasn't freezing.

He looked so sad, but then I remembered that it was how he usually looked. At least near the end. He wasn't looking at me but past me. I turned, halfway, to look too. It was the whole of Rhydin, stretching out in a vast web of buildings and streets. Random trees and groves sprouted up here and there but, mostly, it was developed. Off in the distance I could see a church.

When I turned back around, I realized that Toby had been speaking. I hadn't heard any of it. I still couldn't. When I narrowed my eyes, he looked up at me.

I don't know why but, he smiled.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-12-08 19:56 EST
December 6th, 2013

I know it's been awhile since I've written.

Nothing's really changed.

I still have the mirror and the book. No one's said anything about either of them. Not even Fallon.

The angels still come to visit me, although they don't stay for very long. They just tell me to be careful, to keep a close eye on the book but not to open it. Not yet. They seem anxious, nervous, but never say why. They don't say anything about the mirror.

I did meet some new people though. Constance - well, I kind of already knew her but now I feel like I at least know her on more than just a passing level - is a nice lady who frequents the Inn most of the time. I think she has the same last name as me but it's not the same family. I also met a tinker, Daed. He owns a neat little shop in the Marketplace. I went there once, I'll have to go there again to see if I can find anything for some people for Christmas.

...

I did see that man again though. The one in black. He was in the Marketplace, I saw him when I was doing some shopping. He didn't say anything - I didn't get close enough for us to talk - but he watched me. And even though he doesn't look particularly scary or anything...

I don't like the way that he stares at me.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-12-11 14:51 EST
December 9th, 2013

Something's wrong.

I saw the man in black the other day. I had been visiting at the house and decided to stop into the Red Dragon, just to see who was there. I took the back alleyways - I know it's not as safe but it's quicker, and it was really cold outside. He was standing there in the dark as if he had been waiting for me, leaning against the wall with his head turned down. I thought that maybe he hadn't seen me, that I could backpedal the way I came or maybe even get by him unnoticed, but he knew I was there.

He asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to the Inn. He asked if I could stop for a minute and talk. When I started to say no, he pushed himself away from the wall and stepped toward me. I backed up so fast that I hit the wall behind me and banged my head. He told me that I shouldn't be scared, that they knew who I was.

They.

When I looked up at him, it was that same hard stare as always before.

I told him that I really had to go, that I was meeting someone. When I slipped past him and out into the main street, he grabbed me and caught my wrist. He was wearing black leather gloves but I could see that, under the palm, there was some sort of a marking. It was gold and looked engraved, something like a medallion. It pressed against the back of my hand and seemed like it should have been cold but instead it burned, like ice fire. I didn't stay to ask or try to see, I just pulled my arm away and hurried to the Inn. He didn't follow me but I could still feel him staring the entire time.

It's been three days and I haven't seen him since. But something's happening.

Something's starting to appear on the back of my hand.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2013-12-18 13:44 EST
December 17th, 2013

It's still there, this thing on my hand. It looks like an emblem, circular with a thick border filled with markings. In the middle there's this big symbol, all of it scattered with some kind of runes. I don't know what it is or why it's there but I don't think that it's going away. If anything, it's getting darker. It almost looks like a tattoo but not exactly. It's hard to explain. And it burns, especially when...

Well, I don't want to spoil anything. Let's just say that I'm happy.

It burns the most when I'm happy.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-01-08 11:56 EST
January 6th, 2014

The mark is beginning to fade.

I don't know why, and I still don't even know what it was or why it had gotten there. But it's going away, blending back into my skin. I hope it was nothing serious. I still haven't told anyone about it yet either. There's too much good going on.

I don't want anything to spoil it.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-02-07 09:38 EST
February 7th, 2014

I'm sorry that it's been awhile. Things have just been really quiet around here. Natasha left for a few days and I haven't really seen Minoko so I've just been keeping myself busy with work and the horses. I've started visiting the children's home more often, too. I don't know why but after I sent that one boy there, the one that Larc caught trying to pick my pocket, I've felt like I should stop by, see how he is doing, how they all are doing. The winter has been hard on them but now that I've been helping, they've been able to afford better clothing and bedding for the children. I even managed to find an artificial fireplace to help keep the place warm. It's fueled by magic. The children love it.

Did I ever tell you that I started funding a children's home" I don't think that I have. I haven't told anyone yet, not that I really need to, but it still feels nice to do. I've always wanted to help but never really knew how. Then I stumbled upon the home and, well....The rest kind of explains itself.

So I've been splitting most of my time between there and the stables. It's pretty boring but, I guess I'd rather have that than everything upside down and crazy. I don't want to jinx anything but this is the quietest things have been for a really long time. It's kind of nice, not having to worry so much. The mark on my hand is gone, I haven't seen that man, the angels haven't been visiting and I haven't even looked at the book or the mirror in weeks. Is this what it's like to have a normal life"

...Then why do I have this feeling that something dark is standing right behind my back?

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-02-17 10:10 EST
Sunday, February 16th

I haven't seen Elijah for weeks. It's probably more like months. I have no idea where he's gone and I don't even know where to look. I know that he goes off sometimes, a lot like Sai does when he goes hunting, but I don't know exactly what he does or where he goes. And it's been such a long, long time. Does this mean that I should worry' I can't help it, I already am.

Where could he have gone" What could have happened" I know that we haven't spent any time together in a long while, but I still feel the need to worry about him. Even if things never really did work out.

What could have happened to him' Did he finally leave" Do you think that he's dead"

Oh God, please don't let him be dead...

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-02-19 11:16 EST
Wednesday, February 19th

I dreamt of Toby again last night. We were back on the cliff - it's always the cliff - and he was sitting on the ground just like before. I wasn't looking at him but I knew that he was there, and he was talking to me.

I couldn't hear a single word he was saying.

I was too busy looking out across the horizon, watching the sun yawn and stretch its way across the entire city. It was beautiful but eerie at the same time, like life was trying to push its way into a dark body that was refusing to be anything but dead. The wind was blowing, whistling past my ear, but somehow I wasn't cold. There was a chill though, racing up my spine and making me draw my arms around myself. It wasn't the wind but something else. I couldn't put my finger on it.

I turned, looked back at Toby. He was watching me with the saddest smile I had ever seen. I felt a spike of anger and narrowed my eyes, asked him why he kept smiling at me like that.

He told me that he was sorry....but they were going to make me remember.

I didn't know what that meant and it frustrated me, so I turned back to look over the cliff.

Standing there, in mid-air, was Elijah, hovering like a specter and staring at me, right into my eyes. I didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do, so I just stared back. I felt completely lost.

That's when I felt Toby's smile turn away from my back. That's when Elijah slowly wrapped his arms around me, put mouth against my temple. We just stood there for a moment, stark still.

And that's when we both fell.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-03-04 20:28 EST
Monday, March 3rd

I haven't been dreaming. Well, I have, but they're not really dreams.

All I can see is darkness. Everything is pitch black and the space is empty. I can't move, I can't feel - I can't even tell if my body is there. There's just....nothing.

I don't know which is worse, having bad dreams that make no sense or not having dreams at all.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-03-06 18:43 EST
Wednesday, March 5th

I feel like something's wrong with me. Not only am I not dreaming - they're still just nights full of black; no images, no sounds, nothing - but I have this constant sinking feeling in my chest. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I just know that it's there. I feel empty, like something is missing inside.

The funniest part is, I don't think it has anything having to do with being an Astral.

I think it's just me being a girl.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-03-26 07:36 EST
Sunday, March 23rd

I don't know what?s happening. All I know is that it has to be bad. My dreams have come back but they're not good dreams. They're nightmares. Every single night I've woken up, choking on my screams so that I don't wake up Natasha. I should probably tell her but....I feel bad. There's nothing especially wrong with me, I'm just....having bad dreams. Terrible, really. There are people getting hurt, sometimes even killed. It's horrible...

On top of that, the angels are gone. I don't know where they are or where they've gone to. I didn't even notice until just the other day - they had become such a constant that it was natural to feel them around me whenever they showed up. But it's been days, maybe even a few weeks, since they've last talked to me and I know they haven't been around for just as long. I don't know where they could have gone or why they would have left me.

For some strange reason, part of me can't help but think that it's good. But there's another part of me that keeps thinking that something worse is on its way. I don't know what, and I really don't want to find out.

I never thought I'd say this but, I really just wish that I could stop dreaming.

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-04-10 06:35 EST
Monday, April 7th

The dreams just keep coming. Over and over again, every night. I'm constantly harassed by these nightmares, and I wake up screaming every time. Sometimes they're different, sometimes they're the same. Always, they're just....horrible.

Sometimes I don't even know what?s happening, I can just feel these awful things being done to me. They say you can't feel pain while you're dreaming - obviously, they've never dreamed as me.

But other times, it's other people that are being hurt. Sometimes it's my family, but others it's people I don't know. Well, I shouldn't say that. It's people that I should know, but I just....don't. It doesn't matter though. I still scream and cry and fight to save them like I try to save everyone that I dream of.

The worst part is....it doesn't always work.

I don't know, maybe I'm just going crazy. Alright, no, that's not it. I know better than that. It's not that I'm going crazy, it has to have something to do with being an Astral. Right' That's always the cause of these kinds of problems.

Who ever knew that being an angel would be so hard...

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-05-22 19:22 EST
Wednesday, May 21st

So I know that it's been awhile, and there's probably a lot to tell, but...

I'm going on a date tomorrow!

Kingsley OConnor

Date: 2014-06-25 14:32 EST
Wednesday, June 11th

I want to start this off by saying that the date was incredible. Gale took me to a lake out in the middle of the woods and he brought a picnic. It was beautiful and we went swimming and....it was just perfect.

But something bad happened.

Something bad always has to happen.

That brand that had been on the back of my hand before" It came back. I don't why. But I think it has something to do with being happy. I mean, before, when it was first there, it used to hurt whenever I was happy. Really hurt. For awhile things were just kind of calm and, even though I was happy, the mark went away. But now, it's back.

I don't get it. I've been happy since then but, still, it went away. Why did it come back now" And when I was with Gale?

...

I think I may have an idea.