Hell...

"I told you I wanted Dean Winchester's head on a stick, so where the freak is it"!" The demon's voice boomed through the chamber, loud enough to echo into the adjoining hallway and send shivers of fear into any demons within earshot. With Lilith's demise and Lucifer's imprisonment, the demon known as Crowley, once hailed as King of the Crossroads, had come forward to take control of Hell and act as its arguably benevolent ruler.

Since rising to the top of Hell's chain of command, Crowley had learned that the position was fraught with unexpected challenges and drawbacks, not the least of which were Sam and Dean Winchester. Though he might have once allied himself with them, now that he was King Sh*t of Turd Island, it was a simple matter of self-preservation. He didn't need them mucking up his plans, like they had Lucifer's and Lilith's and a dozen other demons whose fates had ended at the hands of the Winchesters. It was a simple matter of kill or be killed, but for now.

"We had him, sir..." came the other demon's reply. "But the girl....She was stronger than we thought."

"Are you telling me you couldn't control a bloody girl?" Crowley asked, eyes narrowed.

"She fought back. She would have rather died than hurt him," the second demon pointed out.

"Then you should have bloody well killed her, too!" Crowley's voice boomed again.

"We did our best, sir," the first demon tried to explain. "Things are different on Rhydin and..." She tossed a helpless look at the other demon, hoping he'd help her out.

"What are you looking at me for" You're the one who possessed her. You were supposed to have everything under control. You should have just killed him in his sleep, instead of trying to play cat and mouse. Now he's onto us. They went and got matching tattoos."

"Why is it my fault' I brought him to you, just like you asked, and you failed to finish the job. You were too busy having a pissing match with him, when you should have just killed him."

"Enough!" Crowley raised a hand to silence them both. "What's done is done. Because of your incompetence, now we've got two of them to worry about."

"Two?" the first demon echoed, questioningly, looking back at their leader.

"Did I stutter, Eliza?" Crowley heaved an exasperated sigh. "Someone....angels, I presume....split Dean's soul in two. Again. There's one of him on Earth chasing Leviathans with his brother and one of him on Rhydin playing house with the girl."

"So, which of them do you want us to kill?" the second demon asked, anxious to redeem himself.

"Neither, for now. Things have changed. You two idiots may have done me a favor. I have plans for Dean. Big plans."

The first demon exhaled a sigh of relief. "What do you want us to do?"

"Nothing. Just keep an eye on him. Dean Winchester may prove useful to me yet." Crowley narrowed his eyes at them, as if he was about to lose his temper again. "Well, what are you waiting for" Get your bloody arses topside before I change my mind!"

The two of them disappeared in an instant, leaving Crowley alone to contemplate his next move.

There's an old saying that goes: "Keep your allies close and your enemies closer." Generally, people these days ascribe the saying to a mostly-forgotten Chinese military leader from around 400 B.C.ish, but the truth is the saying is much older than that. It goes back even further to a time when humans weren't more than a sparkle in the Old Man's eyes. (Yes, I mean God, for those of who you don't understand sarcasm.)

Now, I've never personally met God, but I've heard from those who have. Back in the day, He was very hands-on. He cared about his pathetic little creations the way a child cares about a puppy, and when they didn't listen, he punished them the way a parent might punish an errant child,  hoping they'd see the error of their ways. What God, in all his amazing wisdom, had forgotten was that He had given his favorite toys the gift of Free Will. They could choose to obey or not, and when they chose the latter, he became an angry God. Hence, the Garden of Eden debacle. (Don't blame Lucifer; it was Eve who ate the apple, after all. Lucifer only pointed out that she had a choice.)

God in all His infinitesimal and omniscient wisdom never really saw it coming. That his favorite creation would dare to rebel against the creator's authority. Pity. What was a loving creator to do, but show his beloved creations the error of their ways" Let's scrap the whole bloody thing and start over. I give you The Great Flood, with a capital The.  It's too bad I wasn't around to see it. It must have been hysterical watching Noah navigate that one.

Now, make no mistake. God has a great sense of humor. He was the world's first comedian, after all. Jonah and the whale are perfect proof of that. Never mind what the Good Book (whichever one of them you choose to read) tells you. God created the universe and all things within it for one reason and one reason alone: Boredom. Collectively, we are just here to break up the humdrum monotony of God's eternally boring existence. It's true. Don't let anyone tell you different.

But I digress. I'm not here to talk about God, but to talk about Sam and Dean Winchester, quite possibly the two most moronic but arguably entertaining monkeys who ever walked God's green, overpopulated, increasingly polluted Earth. But even monkeys have their occasional uses, which is why I've allowed them to continue to be a thorn in the side of scary monsters everywhere for a while longer, which brings me back to my original statement: Keep your enemies close.

It's fairly common knowledge that there's no love lost between myself and the Hardy Boys. On a good day, we tolerate each other, and on a bad day, we're at each other's throats. They've tried to kill me; I've tried to kill them. It's all in good fun, and I'm sure God, wherever He is, is having a hearty chuckle.

Especially the Lucifer incident. Now, that was my pi"ce de r'sistance. Masterfully executed, if I do say so myself. Lucifer and Michael are finally out of my hair for, oh, ever. Heaven is in a state of chaotic upheaval, and I'm the King of Hell.

Let me tell you, being King of Hell is not without its challenges. Leviathan for one. That whole thing was going pretty well, until Castiel got too big for his britches. Now, I admit, I was not surprised by his little betrayal, but I wasn't around in the old days when God decided to lock up His biggest mistake in Purgatory for all eternity. (Yes, even God makes mistakes. Very human of him, wouldn't you say") You would think angels would remember these things, but alas, it seems poor Cas missed that particular memo. So, who gets to clean up his mess, but me.

Really, humanity should be bowing down and thanking me. If it wasn't for me, they'd be Big Macs for scores of hungry Leviathan by now. Being the King of Hell is a thankless job, but someone has to do it.

And now, I come to the reason for this little memoir. The matter of Dean Winchester's soul. Why should one soul be so important, you might ask. Not to make a pun, but hell if I know. What was so special about any of God's chosen" Flawed all of them, starting with Adam. Adam, by the way, was p*ssy-whipped. Eve is the one who wore the pants in that relationship. Someday, when men stop thinking with their dicks, they'll realize that women are and always will be their downfall.

But I digress again.  Where was I" Oh! Dean.

God likes a challenge. God put His little mark on Dean, just as Lucifer put his mark on Sam. Oh, Sam can pretend to be the good son, but we all know better. There's a demon inside Sam just waiting to get out. It's only a matter of time.  But Dean' Dean has angel potential, and we can't really have that now, can we"

The angels, God love them, in all their wisdom, decided to send part of Dean's soul to a land far, far away, thinking he'd be safe there. They told him he'd have his happily ever after, blah, blah, blah, but we all know that a happy Dean is a boring Dean, and God doesn't want boring. So, that's where where I come in.

I needed to get rid of the Leviathan, but in order to do that, I needed Dean whole. So, I plucked Dean's puny little soul from that pathetic rock called Rhydin and dropped him back onto Earth, where he belongs. And that, boys and girls, is, as they say, how the cookie crumbles. Sad, I know, but it's so much more fun this way. Dare I say, even God would be pleased. It's good to be King.

So says I, Crowley, Supreme Ruler of the Seven Planes of Hell and Grand Commander of the Thousand Legions.