Topic: An Overture to Madness

Piper

Date: 2008-09-24 00:37 EST
It was only a short carriage ride, or a brisk walks distance from the potter's home to the street of locksmiths, the street of booksellers, and streets reserved for rosary makers, glove makers, jewelers, carriage merchants, and barbers who could shave a man's face, open a vein, and pull his rotten tooth with equal aplomb. Each establishment had a sign depicting the services offered within"a pipe for the tobacconist, a bleeding arm for the surgeon'so that even the illiterate of Rhydin could find the shop they needed.

The disparity between rich and poor was as great as it would ever be and it seemed to Piper that the economy was primarily focused on them, those that held the power and wealth, and the services that supported them. Architects, masons carpenters, painters and roofers built strongholds for the wealthy. Cabinetmakers and drapers furnished them. Artists, sculptors, and gardeners adorned them. Tailors, seamstresses, hat makers, cloak makers, and shoemakers dressed those that lived and worked in them. Grocers, butchers, bakers, and fishmongers fed them.

What Piper loved was the market. Where the majority lived outside their homes. Artisans worked in front of their shops. Women set up their spinning wheels in front of their homes and yelled at their neighbors and passerby. The main occupation of poor Rhydin denizens, living on the street as they did, was gossip. They were quick to note who was going in and out of which house, how long they stayed, and what they looked like when they came out.

Street fights would erupt between the armed entourage of two feuding families or two rivals vying for the hand of a lady of questionable honor. Shots would ring out, swords would clash, and all those who had been lounging, working or selling on the streets would vanish in an instant behind bolted doors and shuttered windows. Only once the violence had stopped would the Rhydians come out to gape at the dead bodies littering the cobbled roads.

Casting a penetrating gaze around the city she now called home, Piper realized it was dirtier, nosier, uglier, and far more lethal than Warpara. But it was here in Rhydin where she finally realized her lifelong dream of being her own potter and breaking free of her past had really began.

Pleased with the day, she went back to perusing a particular merchants cart lined with perfumed gloves.

The gloves were of supple leather, heavily embroidered with scarlet and gold thread, with huge tabbed cuffs that would extend halfway up the forearm, and adorned with tassels woven of real gold. Lifting the gloves to her nose, she inhaled, noting the scent of ambergris"fragrant petrified whale vomit"and musk, the aromatic glandular secretion of the musk deer. The familiar scent stirred a memory. One buried for ten long years.

Piper'd rushed through the door hanging askew from one hinge, knowing she should have been there sooner. The scent. The sight of blood. She found her in the bedroom, lying in a puddle of sunshine and blood. She'd always loved the sun, and Piper had despised the sight of blood.

Regardless, Piper fell to her knees, fumbling to check for a pulse, though her best friend hardly had a throat left.

"Piper"I knew you'd mess up."

How was she speaking" "Shhh'don't try to talk."

Her friend's eyes bore into Piper's "When I'm gone, it's up to you."

"Cally, don't talk, darlin! Don't go. Stay with me?"

"You have to do this," Cally managed though her voice was fading, " now.?

Cally grabbed Piper's hand in a surprisingly strong grip, then Piper's body erupted in pain and regret.

Piper

Date: 2008-09-25 07:58 EST
"Miss Tippet, is it not?" Miss Piper Tippet?" The man addressed her and yet he did not, looking not at her but about him at the larger audience crammed into the market square that late summer morning.

Startled out of that dark memory, she turned to the person speaking with an awkward smile even as the pair of gloves were placed back upon the busy merchant's table. "Yes. I'm Piper Tippet. And who might you be?"

"Lord Holland, at your service." Polished and years advanced to her own age, here stood a large though unprepossessing figure, standing slightly apart from the rest of the crowd, as if they unconsciously were giving the man a wide berth.

"My service?" Somewhat amused at his opening comment, she turned to give the man her full attention, "Is there something I can help you with?"

"I have a delivery." The voice was deep and clear, filling the space around her easily.

" A delivery?" Still smiling curiously at the man, she prompted with a step closer, more confused than ever with his cryptic words. "Perhaps you should start with, "Once upon a time??"

"No, that won't do at all." He said matter-of-factly, as though to himself. "This is not for the eyes and ears of strangers. It's for you alone." He hesitated a fraction of a moment and then continued, "More of an admission. Every man has an admission to make, humble though his life may be. Each brilliant day has its shadow."

"For me?" Piper exclaimed, interest piqued with the stranger yet a sliver of unease raced down her spine. "You wish to make your admission to me?" Beginning to feel uncomfortable, she took a step back until her backside was braced against the glove merchants" cart.

"Yes." Was all the mysterious man replied.

This was all too overwhelming, and she determined to put a stop to it at once. Yet when she searched for some cutting remark she might make, some offhanded insult to send the man on his way, she found that her wits had failed her. She looked into the steely gray eyes of the fellow standing before her under the beating sun, but the words would not come. "I do not see why I should be graced with your attentions?" was all she could manage, with a sharp and petulant air. "Who am I to you, or you to me for that matter?"

"Who are you?" Holland answered. "You are Mistress Piper Tippet. Youngest daughter of Lord Tippet of Warpara. As we speak, your father lies on his deathbed."

A wave of disaffection passed over Piper. She glared at the man, but found her anger checked, like a disobedient schoolboy before the headmaster, stifled by the honest silence of her accuser.

"I can see you are reluctant to give me a hearing, " Holland went on with an artful smile, "Very wise, of course. "Who am I?" you wish to know." Holland shrugged his shoulders. "I am not at liberty to tell you all of who I am. Not yet. But I will tell you this much. I am in possession of something that is yours," Holland's eyes clouded over as he spoke, and his voice dropped to a whisper, "A birthright, if you will, a part of your history that you do not know." Reaching into his waistcoat pocket, he pulled out a length of ribbon from which hung a curiously shaped key.

"What is that for?? Piper uttered, trying a laugh but managing only a cough.

"It goes with a box— a box that has been in my possession these twenty years and more." Holland dangled the key before him as though it were a child's plaything. "The box goes with the admission, and both of them I would give to you tomorrow. In private. You but have to meet me here at the strike of five bells."

Piper glanced nervously about. She could simply turn and walk away, forget the conversation. Forget her father. Bury him all over again. Yet to accept the agreement laid before her by this old devil, who was even then winding her about in some dark trap—the thought of it touched a cold, empty place deep within Piper, and she shuddered as she reluctantly reached for the key.

Piper

Date: 2008-09-28 10:42 EST
The two had agreed to meet the next evening at the same vendors cart, and it was time passed anxiously by Piper. She felt grave misgivings at this appointment, though she could not say why she should be so doubtful about the business. She passed most of the next day making casual inquiries about Holland, yet no one seemed to know anything concerning the man, outside of his professional character.

He was a highly reputable tradesman, having taken a modest tobacco firm left him by his father and turned it into one of the largest interests in the city and yet very few people knew anything about the man other than that he was known for his quiet ways, keeping always to himself, eating his meals in solitude. It was generally believed that he had been married, that he had no children, and that his wife had passed away some time ago. Other than this, no personal details of his life seemed to exist, at least, any that had attracted anyone's interest.

The man showed up meticulously, if not peculiarly, at the stroke of the fifth bell and without a word, Piper fell in line behind him with the simple summon of his hand and followed.

Since the previous days events, it was as if the meeting had marked the end of summer and the weather had turned cooler and more formidable. A sheet of rain was falling over the city in great, thick drops that adhered to everything, masking all under a slick, wet coverlet. Notwithstanding this sudden turn in the weather, the traffic of men and women hurrying home from their days' businesses was little affected by the weather, and the crush of the crowd was so great that it forced the two travelers to thread their way in single file, the larger man creating a path with his more massive bulk while the smaller Piper came up wearily behind.

The streetlamps now resembled bright smudges in the dark, chilled night, offering slight illumination to the pedestrians scurrying past with heads pressed down and collars pulled up. The carpet of rain and mud coating the streets from building to building and block after block made walking even a short distance as strenuous as attempting to run through waves.

Piper, who despite her slender frame was quite athletic, soon found herself puffing great clouds of steam under the exertion. She was about to suggest that they hire a cab when Holland vanished into a dank, narrow lane whose entrance Piper had not even noticed.

This side street was mercifully vacant, for had they come upon anyone traveling in the opposite direction through that close passage, the encounter would have resulted in the most profound intimacy. Not even the rain could find its way between the nearness of those walls without difficulty, but had to slip in forcibly with every gust of wind. Even so, it filled the air thickly enough to afford Piper an eerie sense of isolation as she looked out from the folds of her cloak. The rain and cold not only stung her eyes and blurred her vision, but numbed her fingers, muffled her hearing, and even seemed to deaden her power of scent. With just a moderate amount of imagination, she could suppose herself to be a disembodied phantom detached from the physical realities of the world about her. Yet, as she was not by nature a fanciful woman, the thought did not linger with her.

They soon passed out of this alley and into another broad thoroughfare, not so busy nor so well-to-do as the first, but pleasant enough. Piper did not have the opportunity to observe it closely, however, for no sooner had they marched fifty paces than they turned again into a little byway, and after another short passage emerged into yet another bustling street. So they wove their way through the city, turning first left and then right and then right again and then left, until Piper had no notion of where they were or how far they had gone. Indeed, if before she had felt baited and hooked, now she had the uncomfortable sensation of being reeled in. The only general impression she had of their journey was that, the longer they walked, the more desolate and abandoned the streets appeared.

At last they came to a lane that was completely deserted and of a wholly disreputable character. Piper had just considered to herself that it was unlikely for a man as unassuming as Holland to have any business in such a quarter, and she was convinced that they were, in fact, hopelessly lost, when she watched with astonishment as her host and guide turned boldly in at the door of a dangerous-looking public house. Piper could do nothing but follow in mute amazement and even though she scarcely admitted as much, slight trepidation.

Piper

Date: 2008-09-30 22:55 EST
Inside, a thick, damp atmosphere struck Piper full in the face, causing her to catch her breath and blink from the blast of heat. She blew twice to compose herself and then looked about. A steamy mist hung over a large, crowded den weakly lit by the sick, yellow flames of several sputtering gaslights.

To the right, a large mob was milling about at long, heavy wooden tables packed closely together for commerce's sake rather than comfort's. To the left a bar, plain, dark, and ornamented only with the scratches and scars suggestive of a long history of abuse, jutted out into the room, while behind this a large, whiskered man in a dirty apron, himself as plain and dark as his furnishings and similarly adorned, leered unpleasantly over the whole scene. Everywhere men in filthy coats and crumpled hats, and women in garish, threadbare finery flaunted their familiarity as they raised a din of mindless chatter and tuneless singing.

In one corner of the room Piper's attention was drawn to a large party attempting the refrain of a vulgar song in a variety of keys and times. As they swayed drunkenly and beat upon the tables and each other, the unhealthy light threw their silhouettes against the bare brick walls creating an animated shadow-dance. Removing her cloak, Piper became absorbed in observing these specters as they cavorted wildly about on every side.

The old gentleman, his face a ruddy glow from the exertion of their walk, had already approached the barman, and the two were conversing with an easy intimacy that Piper found hard to reconcile with what she knew of her unwanted companion, although it was gradually dawning upon her that what she knew was precious little indeed, and most of it probably wrong.

It appeared that their arrival was anticipated, for Holland now motioned Piper to accompany him through a door behind the bar, which Piper did eagerly, grateful to escape the mayhem of the public room.

They were led by the barman down a dark hall with several doors along the right-hand wall. The fellow took out from under his grimy apron a massive, jangling collection of metal, and with a particularly large key he unlocked and opened one of these doors and stepped aside to allow his guests to pass through.

The room they entered offered yet another surprise for Piper, who by now was almost beyond the ability to be surprised. It was as cozy, as elegant, and as charming a sitting room as could be found at the finest address in Rhydin. Two large, comfortable chairs stood before a modest but attractive hearth in which roared a blazing fire. Between them was a small table laid out with brandy, port and cigars. Against the left wall was a larger table with two smaller chairs, and on it a cold roast had been set with bread, cheese and boiled potatoes in gravy.

A bookcase stood opposite to this, overflowing with volumes lying about the shelves and on top as though they were made regular use of, and next to this was a small writing desk cluttered with papers and pens in a sort of organized disarray. To complete the image of casual domesticity, a veritable gallery of paintings and sketches was displayed along every spare inch of walls, works of every imaginable size and style, yet all of them hinting at something dark and sinister in the shadows.

When the barman had left, Holland placed a mysterious parcel on the writing desk. He then took Piper's cloak from her. "Allow me," he offered, and hung this, along with his own, upon a coat tree. "The furnishings are modest, I admit," he continued. "Still, I don't think the place is too frightfully inhospitable."

"My own study isn't half so comfortable," Piper confessed, in spite of herself. "How did you ever come across such a place in this vile little hole?"

"I am cursed with a restless nature and am used to spending my odd hours moving about the city. I've become well acquainted with many a vile little hole," he answered, the least note of reproach in his voice. "Of course, the furnishings are my own. I consider this place my personal and most exclusive club."

Just then there was a knock at the door, and a pretty young girl with a pronounced sway in her step came sashaying in with a tray on which rested an open bottle of Irish whiskey and two mugs of steaming coffee. She placed this on the table next to the roast, and then quietly asked if there might be anything else the gentleman required.

"Not now, Liza," she was told. "I'll ring if we want anything," and Liza went out as she had come in. "My own private stock," Holland announced as he poured the whiskey into the steaming mugs of coffee. "I must apologize for the modest fare, but there are limits to what can be accomplished under the circumstances. Liza does her best."

"I'm certain she does," Piper replied, with more meaning than goodwill. Eying the mugs suspiciously, she was willing to assume the man enjoyed a good Irish Coffee as much as the next, though it was curious that it happened to be her favored drink of choice.

As Holland sat to dinner, Piper followed his lead with a soft sigh. Apparently this breaking of bread was to be a necessary though unhappy prelude to the evening. Piper especially felt that they were like a pair of adversaries in the ring, probing each other nervously in the first rounds, searching for a weakness that might be exploited later. She never shifted her gaze away from him for long.

Piper

Date: 2008-10-01 19:59 EST
"May I ask you a question, Mister Holland?" Piper quipped suddenly while her host was carving the meat.

"Please," Holland offered.

"How long have you been contemplating this madness" From what I can gather, you've known my father for at least twenty years now and lived here in Rhydin for perhaps a considerable degree of time, and in all that time you have held this...this thing of mine, this birthright. How did it come into your hands" And why do you choose this time to reveal yourself to me?"

Holland passed a bloody slab of roast beef over to Piper's plate and responded without looking up. "My life has been intimately tied to the House of Tippet, or was many years ago. But that tale must wait a little longer." He coughed, a deep, rasping cough. "Now, Miss Tippet, you answer a question for me. This life of the contented little potter you lead. It's a lie, isn't it?"

Piper blinked, but otherwise stayed calm. Such an impertinent suggestion was surely designed to elicit some kind of emotion from her, and she had no intention of providing one.

"I thought so," Holland continued. "I'd venture to guess, no, I'd be willing to bet my considerable fortune that you've never stared death in the face, or smelled its hot breath against your cheek."

"My life is true in its essential points, why must facing death make it any truer" insisted Piper. "And I would go so far as to venture a guess that most of the denizens that have come to Rhydin are living their own cruel lies and showing a brave face when they feel nothing of the sort. Why is mine more offensive then theirs?"

"Minor truths hiding a greater fiction. You are not the woman you present yourself to be."

"And how could you know such a thing?" she demanded.

"I see it in your eyes. For I have faced death, and know what it is to whisper one's last prayer. I know how it affects a man, a woman, if you will. It changes him." Holland fastened her with that studious stare and offered another artful smile as the sharp carving knife sliced through the rare meat; droplets of congealed blood clung to the blade as he lifted it upwards, a spark of flame caught on it's surface and danced across Piper's eyes like a foreboding omen.

Piper struggled to contain her rising outrage. For the accusation was true. Her life was false, embellished and augmented until what there was of the truth about it had been left far behind. "So you drag me along with you to chide me like an old woman?"

Holland hemmed a bit. "No," he answered. "No, not that. I have no strong desire to expose you to your friends, if that's your fear."

The two continued their meal in an awkward truce. But as the minutes passed, Holland appeared to grow disturbed and anxious, a sense of anticipation overspreading his earlier ease. Suddenly, after draining the last dregs from his mug, he grasped the blood stained carving knife from the table and walked across to the writing desk.

He stood silently for a moment, almost in contemplation, before skillfully cutting open the parcel that lay there, and removing a large, intricately carved box. It possessed elegant brass fittings decorated in a vaguely Eastern fashion, and an ornate lock that shone in the glow from the fire. Holland placed the box on the small table by the hearth, and motioned to Piper, "The key?" Motioning for her to join him.

Piper did so, noticing with wonder, if not apprehension, the excited way in which Holland played with the key when she withdrew the ribbon from her pocket and handed it to him.

"I appreciate your patience in putting up with my unusual arrangements," the older man began.

"Mister Holland," Piper interrupted, feeling at last a sense of edginess in these remarkable proceedings, "you have an annoying inclination for prologues. Might we get on with it?"

A cold flame of anger erupted from the man's stare, a spark of violent emotion that Piper was unprepared for, and it shocked her into immediate regret at her gibing comment. The flame passed away in an instant, however, and was replaced by a firm resolve and a renewed confidence. Holland inserted the key into the lock and opened the box.

Rain struck the lead-glass window in staccato bursts as silence descended over the room. It struck with such force that it drowned all living sound, even the clanking of pedestrians walking the alleyways in their rush to get home; the crackling logs in the fire; the revelry of the Inn's patrons. Grayness seeped through the stone framed windows along with the bitter wet damp. Darkness, brought by the rain, chilled her blood with such a thoroughly biting cold; she feared for an instant that she'd never be warm again as she leaned forward with an intensity that left her as taut as a drawn bow.

Holland removed a stack of small bound journals, yellow and crackling with age; a ritual dagger of pure silver, entrenched with mysterious cerulean stones; an intricately carved bud vase containing a thick black liquid, corked and sealed with a ruby red wax. And The Heretics Tongue.

Piper

Date: 2008-10-03 23:47 EST
With what Piper anxiously hoped appeared as detached curiosity, she studied the items lining the aged box. Reaching for the only item not immediately recognized, her hand hovered, unsure of herself suddenly. "I"I don't understand."

"Of course you do. You have just forgotten."

An internal counsel toward caution washed over her, an inner warning whispered. Abruptly she was unwilling to touch such a vile looking instrument, not yet: not until she understood. Instead, she altered her intended direction and brushed her fingertips over the aged books even as she looked up at him expectantly.

Slanting his gaze down to her, he smiled in appreciation. "The fervor invested in myths and legends make them seem worth fighting for, wouldn't you say?"

He continued without giving her a chance to answer, refilling both the mugs with a generous splash of whiskey. " Indeed, the truth about any group of people is usually disappointing: unheroic, flawed, disfigured by violence, misuse, oppression and greed. But, as well as situating people in history, legends position them in a moral universe. Our myths make us feel like the successors of heroes. Over and over again, heroes contend with a demon-haunted universe, in which evil is as dispersed among many agents as the air is filled with flies."

Holland handed her the mug of whiskey, which Piper accepted with trembling fingers as her confusion grew, happy to step away from the small table before the hearth. Taking a deep gulp of the strong liquid, it eased some of the tension mounting in her shoulders. But none of the enduring questions as yet had been answered. SHe glanced back to him with both eyebrows raised. "And?"

With a barely perceptible nod and that spark of advantage gleaming in his cold eyes, he continued, "Morality is inspiring, but the idea of goodness is universal. Belief in a universal philosophy or standard of judgment, by which, as a matter of principle, good can be distinguished from evil, is so common among humankind that it is likely to be of very great antiquity. In the Genesis story, it is man's third step"after acquiring language and society"to distinguish good and evil. And the episode dominates the story disproportionately. Are you a religious woman, Miss Tippet?"

The question caught her off guard. Looking back with a sharp glance to the box, she nodded slowly as she slunk back into the chair at the large desk. "If you mean do I believe God, yes. At times I think I am the only one in Rhydin that does."

"Ever since the angels fell," Holland continued as he paced before the hearth, "there have been monsters roaming among us. It was part of the plan'

"Monsters" What monsters" What plan?" She wondered if she was destined to reiterate his words for the remainder of their time together.

"The big plan." Holland spread his arms. "Good versus Evil.?

Piper

Date: 2008-10-13 18:25 EST
Piper looked at him skeptically, a scowl creasing her brow. "How can there be monsters everywhere and no one knows about it?" Sure, she'd seen some odd creatures walking about, but she didn't know if she'd categorize them as monsters.

"Well the problem, not to put too fine a point on it, is that they look just like you and me unless they decide to change"and then they're hell to kill"and some of them always look like you and me. Without some interference, they'll own the multiverse, and the humans will just be?" He broke off.

"Be what?"

"Food, amusement, slaves. Nothing good, I'm afraid." He paused to reflect a moment then looked back at Piper. "How familiar are you with fallen angels?"

"Satan?" Piper almost laughed aloud at the notion. "You're telling me the fallen angels are still around in the form of demons" Maybe you should go back to "Once Upon a Time."."

"In a way." Ignoring her mocking tone for the moment, "Ever heard of the Grigori and the Nephilim?"

She shook her head and settled back to nurse that drink, preparing for another fantastical tale.

"The Grigori were known as The Watchers. Perhaps a more familiar term will help you to understand. Angels. They were sent to earth to keep an eye on the humans. The key words being 'watch over'. No meddling, no touching, no direct contact - just watching. They lusted after them instead and were banished by God to Tartarus, the fiery pit where all divine enemies are thrown."

"I don't recall reading this in the Bible!" Skeptical, Piper was still not convinced the man had a lick of sense or all of his facilities firmly intact.

"The Book of Enoch."

She shook her head slowly, indicating she still had no idea what he was talking about as her fingers lifted to unconsciously wrap about the silver acorn suspended around her neck. "I've never?"

"Not in the Bible" Holland amended with a wave of his hand, quickly dismissing any questions she might impose so that he might continue before the sun rose. "The offspring of The Watchers and the daughters of men were known as The Nephilim. The brood of temptation and sin, they are spirits fallen from Heaven's grace to emerge anew as servants of Darkness. These cursed beings became every type of mystical being you can imagine; Bael, Vampire, werewolf, Berserker, Fairy, Oroba, Incubus, Succubus, Leyak. The names and variations are almost infinite. Almost."

She took an exasperated breath as the tale weaved deeper. Dark and daunting. Something strange was going on'something much stranger than anything that had ever gone on in her life before and that was saying a lot. "How is it that I have never heard of this before?"

"Please, allow me to explain. Indulge me a little longer, Miss Tippet. The origination of the Nephilim begins with a story of the fallen angels. One in particular, an angel of high rank, led a rebel sect of 200 angels in a descent to earth to instruct humans in righteousness. The tutelage went on for a few centuries, but soon the angels pined for the human females. After lusting, the fallen angels instructed the men and women in heavenly secrets; how to make weapons of war, magic and conjuring, how to make face powders for their eyes, which enabled the women to seduce the angels. Then the angels mated with the females and produced offspring which were an abomination: the Nephilim."

"Seduce the angels" Ridiculous" Indignant and frowning at his words, she stood up in protest, "This is beginning to sound all too familiar. Tell me; is this yet another example of the evils of women" Like Eve and how she brought about the fall of man' Spare me the lecture, Mister Holland, my father has educated me in that unfavorable lesson well."

"No of course not. You are being unreasonable. Listen to me." His voice was overwrought with urgency as precious time slipped away. His need to make her understand was vital, "The Nephilim were gigantic in stature. Their strength was remarkable and their appetites immense. Upon devouring all of humankind's resources, they began to consume humans themselves. The Nephilim attacked and oppressed humans and were the cause of massive destruction."

Holland turned to the table, carefully repacking the box as he recited the verse from memory, "And when men could no longer sustain them, the giants turned against them and devoured mankind. And they began to sin against birds, and beasts, and reptiles, and fish, and to devour one another's flesh, and drink the blood of man.

"The land in which humans walk is always dark now. Almost like a fog rising in the early morning dawn, cascading a shadow among the towns and villages, open hills and valleys. At one time people gathered for prayer and celebration of life. Now, the blood of neighbors and brothers has stained the ground. It has become a time when only the strong survive, where love can become their greatest weakness. Every step is taken with purpose. There is only one priority for the humans who live now. Kill the demons."

Carefully placing the box into Piper's hands, he ushered her to the door, collecting her cloak with his gnarled hand, which he draped around her shoulders before opening the door. "Guard the box. Guard your thoughts. Be wary. Above all, watch. Now go."

With a gentle but firm push between her shoulder blades, he had her out of his cozy little study and into the dark dankness of the hallway.

With the box cradled in her arms against her chest, she stared in utter disbelief at the door as the sounds of life came sweeping back over her gently, then louder, echoing through churning emotions to anchor in the pit of her stomach. It had never sounded so idyllic and at once desperate.