Topic: DESTINY BECKONS: The Flame Wavers

Elessaria · Date: 2009-06-03 23:13 EST

Written upon the first page of Elessaria's new journal...

~So this is who I am, And this is all I know, And I must choose to live, For all that I can give, The spark that makes the power grow

And I will stand for my dream if I can, Symbol of my faith in who I am, But you are my only, And I must follow on the road that lies ahead, And I won't let my heart control my head, But you are my only And we don't say goodbye, And I know what I've got to be

Immortality I make my journey through eternity I keep the memory of you and me inside

Fulfill your destiny, Is there within the child, My storm will never end, My fate is on the wind, The king of hearts, the joker's wild, But we don't say goodbye, I'll make them all remember me

Cos I have found a dream that must come true, Every ounce of me must see it though, But you are my only I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play, Hand over my heart I'll find my way, I will make them give to me

Immortality There is a vision and a fire in me I keep the memory of you and me, inside And we don't say goodbye We don't say goodbye With all my love for you And what else we may do We don't say, goodbye ~

——- Immortality - Written by Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb and Maurice Gibb

Elessaria · Date: 2009-06-06 23:47 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 6th of June (2009); Late evening.

I am so confused these days. My pilgrimage to Evandar brought back memories that I wish remained blocked. I am soulbound to someone I am supposed to love, but he is not the Keeper of my Heart nor is he a part of my life. From the snippets of memories that are returning, I gather that the memory blocks and my return to RhyDin was to keep me safe from those who serve the Dark. They hunt him and therefore me.

How did I this happen? I was so young - even for an elf. My homeland, family....all destroyed because of me. I fell in love...too young and gave away my soul. All of this happened when I was too young to fully understand my heart. People in RhyDin believe me to be older than I am....I am only 138 years old....perhaps for a human that is old...

The sick headaches are brutal with the return of these painful memories. I spent most of my days working and my nights as well. I avoid my friends for I do not wish for them to worry.

I think I need to see Tass. I think he's the only one powerful enough to help me without killing me or him.

I cannot go on like this....I cannot fulfill my destiny bound like this.

I do not even know how much is actual truth and how much are thoughts, games, spells of the Dark.

I must find Tass....at the very least he can make the sick headaches better.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-06-07 18:48 EST

RhyDin Private Apartments above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 7th of June (2009); Early evening.

I am very thankful the parfumerie is closed both today and tomorrow. I can only hope Tass is fully recovered from breaking the soulbind. It was powerful, intricate work that was amazing to follow as I watched him work inside of me. I do not feel unwell, just off balance. In fact, I feel almost physically lighter, but it's really more at a magical and emotional level. I am sure such a change would affect anyone, but being empathic I am a bit more sensitive to such a powerful emotional change.

While I feel better physically, I am wary of using my gifts yet until I fully regain my center. It was very poignant last night to watch Kacey and Davarin get betrothed - a new stage in the joining of hearts - and the ending of my soulbound.

Poor Mason and Connar could only bear witness without truly understanding the depth and complexity of what was going on. I was hoping to spare my non-mage friends this experience; but, part of me was glad to have them there as well.

I will be forever grateful to Tass (and Kitty) for giving me my freedom so that I can follow my destiny....where ever it may take me.

And now I need to make sure the dragon hatchlings haven't gone into too much mischief whilst I have been busy writing.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-06-10 22:46 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Wednesday, the 10th of June (2009); Late evening

For the first time in ages I believe I know how it feels to be non-mage-gifted. It is as if I am viewing the world and those around me through distorted glass. I am frustrated because of my inability to use my gifts right now. Last night Veighn and Lucien tangled and I could only flee to the relative safety of the porch.

I feel blind. I must trust people at their word when I ask about them.

I feel lost.

I will regain my center.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-07-17 19:26 EST

RhyDin The Ruins of Ashby Manor Friday, the 17th of July (2009); Late Afternoon

I closed Heart Notes a little early, so I could enjoy a little fresh air. I have been so immersed in my work, that I have not had a chance to spend much time outdoors which I greatly miss.

I miss my friends especially much. I believe I have finally regained my center after the breaking of the soulbind. My friends do not fully comprehend that not only is it difficult for me to be around crowds when my empathic shields are so thin; but, it can be dangerous for others to be around me if I am not fully in control of my gifts. An emotional blow can be just as deadly as a physical strike.

I often wonder how Connar fares. The last couple of times I spoke with him, he appeared to have found somewhat of a balance again - yet I know very well he is not always how he presents himself. I think, or I hope, that our separation has made it a bit easier for him to maintain his own balance since he does not have to be torn between two worlds. I know I am not worthy for him to suffer so. For anyone to suffer so.

Rena is our steady strength. I would be lost without her. I need to check on Eva and Mason- I worry about his health. Piper is busy fulfilling her own destiny. We feel her absence strongly.

I set up a garden in the small courtyard behind the building that houses Heart Notes since I received word that one of those foreign princes' gifts has arrived at the docks - much to the chagrin of some of the dockworkers who have had to deal with an angry bird. The peacock should be quite happy with his new residence. I hope.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-07-22 23:54 EST

RhyDin Courtyard Garden behind Heart Notes Wednesday, the 22nd of July (2009); Lunch break

I found a couple of books on ancient elven lore in my books that I hope may help me find some answers to assist Eva and Mason. The pages are pretty fragile and faded, and the dialect is rare and deceased. However, I believe I can read them well enough once I get used to it reading it again.

I feel stronger in spite of the weariness from using my gifts so much lately. It has been similar to that pleasant feel one gets after finishing a strenuous, but satisfying physical workout. That has been one reason I have been using my magic in this garden. Usually I tend not to wish to "waste" it; but, I feel like the mana flows through me more fluidly and I can manipulate it more easily the more I have been "practicing".

I was able to treat Connar to a magically ripened peach. I was pleased that he enjoyed it despite his wariness to most things magical. He did, however, insist on sharing it with me. I believe it was delicious, but not quite as much as if it had ripened naturally. That man equally delights me and frustrates me! Now I cannot enter a room without being self-conscious of how I move. At least we determined a stronger exclamation than Morveux - Connar! With Mason as a close second!

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-08-01 22:55 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above Heart Notes Parfumerie Saturday, the 1st of August (2009); Late Evening.

I have finally caught up with my custom orders and have settled everything in order to close the parfumerie whilst I am at Yransea with Rena, Jolyon, Sylvia and her family. It will be a mad dash to catch up to her ship upon the high seas, but as Rena has recommended - I do really need to get away from RhyDin for awhile.

I do admit, however, to being a bit wary of leaving Eva and Mason behind after their last encounter with Her minion. I will worry very much about them, but then again I could do little to protect them even when I was in town. It is very frustrating.

Good thing the leather travel bags Tyntigal gave me so many years ago are magical, for I packed a variety of clothes since I was unsure what would be appropriate there. I fear that they might share Connar's opinion of its resemblance to sleepwear and would not wish to cause Sylvia any embarrassment.

Hopefully I will see Seeker tonight to ask her to check on the peacock during my absence. There is plenty of food for that proud bird and I'm certain he can fend for himself amidst the young plants if necessary. I have named him King John for all of his pride and arrogance.

Ali did a brilliant job at translating the flowery missive from the prince who gifted me the bird. I still do not understand men and their fascination for harems. Then again I cannot fathom multiple partners of any sort. It is too contrary to how I was raised.

I look forward to celebrating amongst friends.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-09-03 22:12 EST

RhyDin The Workroom at the rear of Heart Notes Parfumerie Thursday, the 3rd of September (2009); Late Evening.

The visit to Yransea was even lovelier than I had expected. Its lands and people both charming and welcoming to the visitors Sylvia had brought with her to celebrate High Summer. I spent much of my time exploring the beautiful gardens surrounding her manse and spirited some native blossoms back to RhyDin with me to make some bath oils and milk and soap to thank her for her generous hospitality.

I have been busy with the influx of flowers and am working hard to extract the essences I will need after the weather cools and winter sets in.

As much as I enjoyed the mini vacation with friends, there is a piercing loneliness that echoes inside of me — even when I am surrounded by my friends.

There is also something stirring my senses and it seems to stem from Evandar. I know not what it is....yet. ~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-09-08 23:25 EST

RhyDin Garden Courtyard Behind Heart Notes Tuesday, the 8th of September (2009); Early Evening

~'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there And everyone wants to feel like someone cares Someone to love with my life in their hands There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to be the last one there And everyone wants to feel like someone cares Somebody else that feels the same somewhere There's gotta be somebody for me out there~

My heart is breaking; not for me, but for Rena. She guards her feelings so carefully - even from her closest friends. Not that I blame her because of all the times she's been hurt in the past. I had joked with her long ago about the two of us forming a support group for women who have been abandoned.

I'm not sure what to do except to give her all the love and support I can. She has been a rock for me and I plan on doing the same for her. The fact that her hurt involves mutual friend makes it a bit more "dicey", yet look at Eva and Piper. I would not permit them to continue to go at each other's throats for too long.

Speaking of Eva, I've not seen her nor Mason since my return from Yransea. I wish I could help more with Mason's "illness", but his antipathy towards healers is quite understandable. Still, I study some old tomes in search of some clues in hopes of finding a solution.

In the meantime, I simply try to survive one day at a time.

~E —- ((Lyrics from Nickelback's Gotta Be Somebody))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-09-14 22:17 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at Heart Notes Parfumerie Monday, the 14th of September (2009); Late evening.

Mason did not look well at all despite his enthusiastic cheering for Rena when she successfully defended her Barony. I am going to have to talk to him. I have respected his privacy for as long as I could, but he is the closest I have ever had to having a brother that I cannot bear to see him nor Eva suffer.

There is some sort of nonsense in RhyDin about a Proposition Thirty-seven, or I think that is what is called. Some group is rallying against magic-users and the situation seems to be worsening rapidly. Some of my friends are in danger and a few seem to have been hurt - I am furious! Although, I would enjoy seeing the supporters try their hand on Veighn.

I had a few moments where my heart and my burdens were lightened by a rare visit with Connar. How he always manages to give me a glimpse of peace and happiness is a wonder to me. As always, the time shared passed much too quickly.

I keep feeling a sharp pull towards Evandar. Something is amiss and it wears on me due to my ties to the land. I am trying to gather my strength, so I can investigate....soon.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-09-30 22:31 EST

RhyDin At the Ruins of Asheby Manor Wednesday, the 30th of September (2009); Early evening.

~On ne change pas On met juste les costumes d'autres sur soi On ne change pas Une veste ne cache qu'un peu de ce qu'on voit On ne grandit pas On pousse un peu, tout juste le temps d'un r've, d'un songe Et les toucher du doigt

Mais on n'oublie pas L'enfant qui reste, presque nu les instants d'innocence Quand on ne savait pas

On ne change pas On attrape des airs et des poses de combat On ne change pas On se donne le change, on croit que l'on fait des choix Mais si tu grattes l" Tout pr's de l'apparence tremble un petit qui nous ressemble On sait bien qu'il est l" On l'entend parfois Sa rengaine insolente qui s'ent"te et qui r"p"te Oh ne me quitte pas

On n'oublie jamais On a toujours un geste qui trahit qui l'on est Un prince, un valet Sous la couronne un regard une arrogance, un trait D'un prince ou d'un valet Je sais tellement "a J'ai copi" des images et des r'ves que j'avais Tous ces milliers de r'ves Mais si pr's de moi Une petite fille maigre marche " Charlemagne, inqui"te Et me parle tout bas

On ne change pas, on met juste les costumes d'autres et voil" On ne change pas, on ne cache qu'un instant de soi

Une petite fille Ingrate et solitaire marche et r've dans les neiges en oubliant le froid

Si je la maquille Elle dispara?t un peu, le temps de me regarder faire Et se moquer de moi

Une petite fille Une toute petite fille~ ((On Ne Change Pas - C. Dion))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-01 22:02 EST

RhyDin The Ruins of Asheby Manor Sunday, the first of November (2009); Early Evening.

These last few days are significant to many humans - All Souls' Day, All Saints' Day and All Hallows' Eve. So, I guess it was rather fitting that the Blood Rains returned this morning. At least I believe it was this morning. The last thing I recall was working late, trying to develop a fragrance for that prince who sent King John. It was near noon when I roused myself from the floor by the workbench with blood drenching my silks and soaking my hair.

It took me several hours to scrub all traces of the event from the workroom and then a lengthy soak in my tub to wash the vestiges of the attack from me. The only thing remaining is a lingering sick headache and a very jangled set of nerves.

So, here I am. Writing amidst the rubble of once was my permanent residence here in RhyDin. A place filled with hopes, promises and dreams....all destroyed. I lost both a husband and an unborn child here. Why am I even considering building another home"

Why here" Why RhyDin"

First Evandar was destroyed, then Asheby....dare I try to establish roots again?

I keep to myself to keep my loved ones from harm, but the solitude is weighing more heavily on me with each passing day.

I do not wish to be alone forever.

Yet, what does the return of these crimson rains foretell?

~E

~Time, is going by, so much faster than I, And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you. Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside, So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you. So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...~

———

((Lyrics from Nickelback's Never Gonna Be Alone))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-02 22:39 EST

RhyDin Courtyard Gardens behind ~Heart Notes~ Monday, the 2nd of November (2009); Early afternoon.

The days are growing steadily shorter and I sit here trying to soak up the warmth that only sunlight or an embrace can provide. I dread night fall....the shadows....the darkness....the loneliness.

The worst of the after effects of the Blood Rains' return have faded — at least the physical ones.

What is it about RhyDin that draws me inexorably as if I were a moth drawn to a flame" How many times must my own wings get singed before I learn whatever lessons are to be learned here"

How do I know if this is where I should make a stand" How many lives will be lost if I do"

This is how the Darkness succeeds: I am adrift without a compass and nothing upon which I can anchor.

I watch as life continues on in RhyDin. It ebbs and flows to a rhythm known only to itself. I feel as if I am on the outside, looking in. The water of life that I cup in my trembling hands simply slips through my fingers....as elusive as ever.

Do I dare attend the Governor's Ball this weekend" Should I hope to be swept up in the festivities and forget momentarily the weights that burden me or should I stay home and attempt to find some sort of grounding" Or will my attendance only increase the feeling of solitude that plagues me"

~E ~I remember what you wore on the first day You came into my life And I thought hey You know this could be something "Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you Well maybe two is better than one There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life And you've already got me coming undone And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face, The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste You make it hard for breathing ?Cause when I close my eyes and drift away I think of you and everythings okay And finally now, we're leaving~

——-

((Lyrics from Two Is Better Than One - Boys Like Girls, Featuring Taylor Swift))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-03 23:33 EST

RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Tuesday, the 3rd of November (2009); Mid-afternoon.

Just when I thought the gods and goddesses were deaf to my pleas, I received a precious gift - Connar's safe return and a warm embrace that helped to chase away the looming shadows. There was no way I could hide the return of the Blood Rains from him. He can read me more easily than any book. He managed to coax a smile and genuine laughter as he tends to do, as well as give me much needed encouragement to face the travails ahead.

But what if he is wrong" I may be stronger now; yet, am I strong enough' Will I truly prevail"

I doubt I am strong enough nor skilled enough to defeat whoever is behind this devious torture. Some days I rage in my frustration for I wish to eliminate this unknown....to stop these magical games....On another day, or even in another short moment, I simply wish to survive...

~E

~My hands are searching for you My arms are outstretched towards you I feel you on my fingertips My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I'm breathing Holding on to what I'm feeling Savoring this heart that's healing~

———

((Lyrics from All Around Me by Flyleaf))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-08 19:17 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes Parfumerie~ Sunday, the 8th of November (2009); Late Afternoon

Once again Connar and I were blessed to spend some quiet time together, sharing that ever-elusive "peace". He knows me so well that at times it surprises me and almost scares; but, more importantly it strikes a chord deep within. To know that somebody cares enough about me to understand me without words, without having to explain the details....that is truly a gift for this empath.

~E

~How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up (Wake me up inside) I can't wake up (Wake me up inside) Save me (Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up (Bid my blood to run) I can't wake up (Before I come undone) Save me (Save me from the nothing I've become)~

——- ((Lyrics from Bring Me To Life - Evanescence))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-17 22:48 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Monday, the 17th of November (2009); Early Evening

The end of Connar's sabbatical draws near which causes me mixed feelings. On one hand I am relieved to know he is nearly completely healed; on the other, I know he will return to the dangers of his world on a regular basis. We both can sense something is amiss most likely here and there. The return of the Blood Rains, The Muse's most recent attack on Mason, the rising tensions amongst friends — all signs that the Dark is due to break free from the shadows.

I will simply count my blessings for having been able to share some peaceful and tender moments with Connar. It has been amusing to hear about the reactions of some of my more nosy neighbors after he has escorted me home several nights. He certainly surprised me (a pleasant one) when he advised me to inform the more uppity and condescending old biddies that we are betrothed. I believe it was the first time he ever mentioned that. It is not something we discuss much and I usually only discuss it with friends, because it is rather difficult to explain — especially to mortals of standard life spans. Still I wear the ring he fashioned from a ring of his chain maille without fail. A quick brush of my thumb against its seamless band always makes me feel closer to him.

I just realized it is a year to this day that Mon Gardien de Mon Coeur asked me if I would consider being his bride. No wonder I am feeling especially close and thinking so much about him today.

~E

~Il a le regard "conome Il a le verbe rare, "a me pla"t Il aime le chant des colombes et l'odeur du caf" Et ces petites choses qu'on fait sans y penser

C'est mon homme, mon drapeau Mon homme, celui qu'il me faut Je frissonne je prends l'eau C'est mon homme, mon abri, mon lit, mon h"ros

Il ne saurait pas comment briller Ou comme un phare banal, oubli" Dans sa mer ordinaire Il brise les vagues sans voir Ces milliers de lumi'res Qu'il m'offre sans le vouloir

C'est mon homme, mon drapeau Mon homme, celui qu'il me faut Je frissonne je prends l'eau C'est mon homme, mon feu, mon repos

C'est mon homme, mon ami Qui pardonne, celui qu'on choisit Je t?tonne, je faillis C'est mon homme qui fait ce qu'il dit

C'est mon homme je l'admire Mon ozone, l'air que je respire Mon opium, mon jour Oh mon homme, mon toit, mon chemin, mon amour~

————-

((Lyrics from Mon Homme par Erick Benzi))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-19 21:49 EST

RhyDin The Third Floor of ~Heart Notes~ Parfumerie Thursday, the 19th of November (2009); Late Afternoon

One night I have the precious treasure of falling asleep in Mon bien aime's arms and his carrying me home still drowsy before the birds even begin to greet the morning, only to have the Blood Rains steal upon me whilst I slept upon my couch. They weakened me severely this round. I have neither the physical nor magical stamina to eliminate every trace of their attack.

Now I sit here on the edge to the portal to Evandar that I crafted in the Spring, knowing there is a connection somehow. I do not know what lies beyond. It would not be the first time if I were lured back and captured. I yet bear the scars from narrowly escaping the torture and captivity from him.

Who would I know where I went" Do I dare tell anyone" I fear to tell the only one who may cross the portal - do I dare risk another's life" If I do nothing, will the Darkness build and injure those I hold dear in RhyDin"

At a very young age my parents instilled upon me that balance was essential — good and bad; darkness and light. Sometimes I wish I could have time to enjoy the good and the light without it being tainted.

Sometimes I wish I were hidden again in human form without any knowledge of my true nature or my gifts....or my duties. To be able to act freely....love freely....

To not be afraid to show my true feelings....to not be afraid to just feel...

~E

~When you look at me I start to blush and all that I can say is you and us oh baby I'm so afraid to be in love with you, with you...

I wanna be in love with only you I wanna watch the sky turn grey then blue I wanna know the kiss thats always new I wanna be in love with only you just you

When stars are falling dark will light the way will hit the ground and fall into the shade Ill light the night with fire and run away

With you... With you...~

————-

((Lyrics from Blush (Only You) by Plumb))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-22 22:18 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 22 of November (2009); Early Afternoon

I just finished bathing away all the traces of the most recent visit of the Blood Rains. This time I have fragments of visions I experienced during them. Sharp, vivid, biting, painful; but, I am unable to piece them together to make a coherent whole.

I told Rena that the coming Winter seems to beckon the Darkness to descend upon us. Friends bristle against one another....those of darker tendencies flaunt them without fear of revelation or reprisal.

I am so weary. What used to be second nature and cost little energy for me has begun to drain me more quickly. I am increasingly doubtful of my abilities to wield higher magics when my empathy — which is as natural to me as breathing — has become a chore.

I wish....well, as the saying goes....if wishes were coppers, I would be rich. It really does not matter what I wish. I need to stay strong for my friends....for the innocents....for the Light.

And hopefully there will be something left of me in the end, because I will not relinquish all hope that my dreams will one day come true.

~E

~Everybody needs inspiration, Everybody needs a song A beautiful melody When the night's so long

Cause there is no guarantee That this life is easy...

Yea when my world is falling apart When there's no light to break up the dark That's when I, I... I look at you

When the waves Are flooding the shore and I can't Find my way home anymore That's when I, I... I look at you

When I look At You I see forgiveness I see the truth You love me for who I am Like the stars hold the moon Right there where they belong And I Know I'm Not Alone.

You appear just like a dream to me Just like kaleidoscope colors that Cover Me, All I need Every breath that I breathe Don't you know You're beautiful.

When the waves Are flooding the shore and I can't Find my way home anymore That's when I, I... I look at you I look at you

And you appear Just like a dream to me.~

———— ((Lyrics from When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-11-29 23:01 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 29th of November (2009); Early evening.

I still cannot find my silver acorn, thus my sleep has been troubled and far from restful. Our brief respite in the pursuit of our duties has come to an end; yet, the future is filled with hope and the present is secured with promises. Whispered confessions of the heart and the memory of touches filled with tenderness are now my shelter from the storms ahead.

~Quand je m'endors contre ton corps Alors je n'ai plus de doute L'amour existe encore

Toutes mes ann"es de d"route Toutes, je les donnerais toutes Pour m'ancrer " ton port

La solitude que je redoute Qui me guette au bout de ma route Je la mettrai dehors

Pour t'aimer une fois pour toutes Pour t'aimer co"te que co"te Malgr" ce mal qui court Et met l'amour " mort

Quand je m'endors contre ton corps Alors je n'ai plus de doute L'amour existe encore

L'amour existe encore...

On n'"tait pas du m"me bord Mais au bout du compte on s'en fout D'avoir raison ou d'avoir tort

Le monde est men" par des fous Mon amour il n'en tient qu'" nous De nous aimer plus fort

Au-del" de la violence Au-del" de la d"mence Malgr" les bombes qui tombent Aux quatre coins du monde

Quand je m'endors contre ton corps Alors je n'ai plus de doute L'amour existe encore L'amour existe encore L'amour existe encore...

Pour t'aimer une fois pour toutes Pour t'aimer co"te que co"te Malgr" ce mal qui court Et met l'amour " mort

Quand je m'endors contre ton corps Alors je n'ai plus de doute L'amour existe encore ~

~E

——————————- ((Lyrics from one of my favorite songs of all time: L'Amour Existe Encore par Luc Plamondon.

Here is a lovely duet with Celine Dion et Eric Lapointe: http://www.youtube.com/watch"v=NuiP13SQggs

And just Celine Dion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBVpityCloQ

))

Elessaria · Date: 2009-12-10 23:24 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Thursday, the 10th of December (2009); Early Evening

Shylah shared very sad news a several nights ago: her beloved Elijah has passed....murdered...horrifically. My heart breaks for her. She always appears so strong; but, I know she has a large heart and it must be aching with such a wound.

Rena and Rico seem to be doing pretty well together. They are spending more time at the duels. I cannot frequent them often because of the toll the violence takes on me, but I do try to attend when I know she is competing.

Eva and Mason are going strong inspite of the hurdles the Muse puts in their way. We will see about getting them a dining room table and chairs before the holidays arrive. They both appear well if tired.

Sylvia is recovering from her attack. I have no doubt she will make a full recovery for she is so strong in spirit.

Lirssa has been a wonderful help to me recently by running deliveries. I usually set out lunch for both of us before she goes off. It ensures both of us eat.

Jake and Mira have hit it off and Jake has invited all of the Misfits to a tree-trimming party at his ranch. It is very kind of him to think of us....and to include me.

Lenika is pregnant! How wonderful! Tara is pregnant again! I am not sure what to think of that in truth; however, if it makes my friend happy then I am happy for her.

My thoughts are so jumbled and I am so tired due to poor sleep and the continued onslaughts of the Blood Rains. I have realized that someone has tampered with my wards here and I cannot find my silver acorn anywhere. There is that continuous tug that draws me to the portal to Evandar. I will have to venture through it sooner than I had hoped.

I miss Connar more than ever. I wish I could send him letters, but I doubt my magic can pass through the veils to his world. I might write anyhow and eventually design a way to send them to him. I should write Mister Bane at the Post to thank him for listing me and to inform him that I am treated better than any queen could ever hope.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-12-12 23:07 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at Heart Notes Saturday, the 12th of December (2009); Early Evening.

Perhaps I need not to put my heart's thoughts to paper to have them come true...

It was a brief visit with Connar a couple of nights ago, but it did wonders for my sagging spirits to see him and to see him well.

Although I believe he might be needing glasses.

I need to try to get some holiday shopping done in between work orders during the days the shoppe is closed...

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-12-13 22:45 EST

RhyDin In My Bed Sunday, the 13th of December (2009); Late morning.

I have heard word that Jade is dead. I cannot help but bear some feelings of guilt that she and Dakota were pushed down this path. I know they wanted children together. I hope they know what they are doing. Tara offered to sire Kota, but Jade had said that would not work either.

Although Connar doth nay believe that his timing is impeccable, it was last night. It saved me from witnessing the fall out and the frustration and seeing Jadey die. I so wanted to help. Love has such little chance of success in RhyDin...

And after all I have been through I still believe in the power of love....of true love...

I told Connar that if I did nay hold onto that belief that love will not only survive, but thrive....I believed I would cease to exist.

He was kind not to call me silly or misguided. I do nay have the strength of his faith to rely on. I am forsaken by my god and set floating on a path with no guidance.

Yes, we were talking about Jade and Dakota, but I was also speaking of me.

In what else am I to believe?

Forces are at work to limit Connar's time in RhyDin, but he said he needed to see me....to be strengthened by the knowledge that I am safe and well. I wish I could do more for him....to ease his burdens....

I would do aught he needed whether or not he asked.

For now I sent him with my love and my heart - both freely given.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2009-12-26 00:14 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 25th of December (2009); Wee hours of the Night

~When I close my eyes All I do is think of you And I wonder if you feel the same way too

Will tonight be the night That everything will be just right" Beneath the wreaths of green I see it in my dreams

We're all finding our way Through another holiday Wrapping hopes and dreams In angels' wings tonight

Time to give and receive But the only gift I need Is to share this day and every day with you

On my Christmas list There's a wish I hope will come true That this holiday Brings me one step closer to you

Let the night be the night That's every star's a diamond light The smile in your eyes A beautiful surprise

We're all finding our way Through another holiday Wrapping hopes and dreams In angels' wings tonight Time to give and receive But the only gift I need Is to share this day and every day with you

What do I see In the morning light My yuletide dream Became reality

We're all finding our way It's the greatest holiday Catching hopes and dreams On angels' wings tonight You're my heart you're my home You're the hope I'll always know When I share this day and everyday with you (Joy the world)

We're all finding our way It's the greatest holday Flying higher on my angel's wings tonight You're my heart, you're my home You're the hope I'll always know When I share this day and everyday with you~

———- ((Lyrics from Share This Day - Josh Kelley http://www.youtube.com/watch"v=8LsB47Y91qw ))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-03 22:04 EST

RhyDin My Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 3rd of January (2010); Late evening.

A brief visit with Piper was coupled with the most upsetting news - that of our beloved Jewell and her children. And the fact that she, of the water, perished in a huge fire only makes it that more horrific. I must pay my respects to Lord Brian and the rest of the Ravenlocks. They are good people and among the first to welcome me back to RhyDin with open arms and hearts.

I have had to close the parfumerie for at least another week. It will not rouse much suspicion since many businesses close for an extended vacation after the busy holiday season. However, at least two others are very well aware of my condition if not more. I thought the extreme fatigue and unreliable magic was due to all the extra work with the season. Instead, someone has used that as an opportunity to siphon off some of my essence slowly, but steadily. It came out last night when Icer was under attack by a mana stealer of some sort. I could do little to intervene except to extend my senses and let Tara know what was happening. Icer's little one managed to scare it off by burning brightly and Tara helped restore some of her inner strength. I was lucky that Connar was there to assist me after I fed Icer what little magical energy I had. I could never say no - even if it took a heavy toll on my already taxed resources.

I know when I helped Blue my powers were still effective; so, the draining had to have begun sometime after that. I sense no traces of The Muse and do not believe her to be the source of this malady.

I was so frustrated by my inability to heal Icer properly never mind that I could not even intercede to prevent her attack.

I get frightened and am plagued by doubts even though Connar continually reminds me I am stronger than I believe myself to be.

Poor Mira was worried, but I believe our talk helped dispel her concerns. But how am I supposed to help Serena now? I know that Jolyon is rightfully concerned about her behavior and whatever it is that she brews only worsens it.

At least Mira seemed happier when she left and I realized that although Connar and I may not share what is either "typical" or "expected", we share something much deeper and much more rare. That is what I will use to strengthen me in this new year.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-07 23:17 EST

RhyDin Thursday, the 7th of January (2010).

I am terrified. I do not know how to live like this. It is all wrong. Why" I do not know. How can I help others when I cannot help myself" The pain never ends. I cannot keep it all out. I can barely keep anything in to keep them all safe.

Oh, please....please....will not some god or goddess have some pity on me?

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-09 00:32 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 8th of January (2010); Late evening.

I have finally recoverd a bit from last night's accidental encounter with The Muse. I believe I am not her target, although I clearly sensed (I had no choice) that she knew of my weakness. Connar is not convinced I will remain safe. He swore that if he ever saw her, he would kill her. I do not know how to explain to him that any attack on her is redirected to one of her victims like Mason or Blue. He just does not want to see me come to any harm. I believe it is to be my fight. I am the created of and to use magic. He claims it is ours. He is right in a way, because I want to help him in his. I would forfeit my life in an instant for his.

We began it as a jest, but it has taken on hints of seriousness. Where would two such of us make a home" We are not of RhyDin. I handle, or at least used to, endure the darker and baser elements of those who reside here better than Connar. In my current state, I am even less tolerant than he. I wanted to slam my fist down as prominent slaver's throat last night! I was mortified after Connar soothed my volatile emotions down enough to see I almost took Dave's bait.

He is so patient with me especially when my emotions are so scrambled and I am so weak that I cannot keep track intellectually with him. He is right we all make choices on how we are to live our lives. We know pretty much how we want to live our lives, we definitely know with whom....now it is where" When? Well, that is yet to be determined.

~E

Well I'm starting the day trying to find different ways to get through Till it's time to come back And I can't slow it down and I'm climbing the walls and I feel like I'm under attack

There's too many people that get in my way And there's never a right time that I get to say

When you and I touch hands when you and I stop Still in the moment it's you and I Not running for something that's already gone When it's just you and I that's when I'm home That's when I'm home

There's always the question what?s holding me down Show me an answer cause I haven't found A way to escape to get out of it all Somewhere that I am allowed to fall With no bones to break I can be who I am Cause you know me better than anyone

When you and I touch hands when you and I stop Still in the moment it's you and I Not running for something that's already gone When it's just you and I that's when I'm home That's when I'm home Home's not a house with windows and walls not a place to be shut in There are no doors And no matter where I come to rest your arms will be my safety net ————-

(( Lyrics are from You And I, Garou))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-16 00:12 EST

RhyDin My bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 15th of January (2010); Late Evening.

I seem to be fading more and more each day. I vacillate somewhere between being overly sensitive and uncomfortably numb depending on how much mana I have been able to absorb. It is so difficult to explain to Connar and my friends what I am going through. Even if I told them the entire truth, I do not believe they would grasp it completely. Rena has the magical background to understand some of it....Connar knows me so well to know there is more going on than what I allow everyone to see.

I am angry. I am frustrated. Whoever this is is toying with me....stealing mementos and trinkets that mean little to anyone other than me. They can pass through my wards without leaving behind any trace for me to follow.

I am trying to get my affairs in order. I spoke with Rena last night and she will watch the shop if I need to be away. Little does she know that it is bequeathed to her with a portion set aside for Eva and Mason if aught should happen to me.

I am always cold and weary. It makes it so hard to try to find answers in all the books I have scattered about my chambers. I am either too cold to sit still for long ....or if I sit still long enough I usually end up falling fast asleep, only to be woken by the same nightmares.

The only respite I have had has been when I have dozed off in Connar's arms. He only seems to understand that my magic is gone. That is all I thought it was at first - that I could no longer manipulate the ebb and flow of mana and that my empathy was gone. That is not the entire truth; they still exist, they are just weakened to the point of inefficacy. My core being is fading....the essence of who I am is slowly, deliberately being drained.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-21 20:03 EST

RhyDin Third Floor of ~Heart Notes~ Thursday, the 21st of January (2010); Early evening.

I don't know what lies beyond the portal in Evandar. I only have the bits and pieces carried upon dreams....nightmares....I do know what is on this side of the portal: a shell. There are times I feel that I am an empty husk that winter's wind can blow at whim. At others, I am so full of emotions that I will burst. And I did burst the other night.

I thought I had created a manageable balance of emotions, tentative but serviceable, with the extra energy with which I had been blessed. However, one simple conversation with Lord Yhaul and all my efforts dissolved. It was not even a particularly hostile encounter! Poor Connar was the recipient of my emotional meltdown. I do not know how to explain to him what it is like to be an empath in the first place, never mind what it is like to be an empath who loses the strength to fully control and use her gifts.

Countless emotions were unfettered to co-mingle with haphazhard thoughts. They just kept flowing from me in short waves of confusion. I could only control the intensity to insure nobody near was hurt — especially him. I know that one of the Dark's most powerful tools is doubt. I know this in my head, but it gnaws at my center, eating away my resolve. It seemed as if Connar's patience had no bounds; he listened; he counseled; he continued to love me. I need to take the strength from my heart and the knowledge from me head and unite them against the Dark.

I can try to describe my situation like this: a blind person keeps his home arranged just so. Everything has its place and it always stays the same. No matter what happens outside of the home, what experiences there may be to explore....the changes....when he comes home, there is no need for a guide, for assistance of any kind. He is home and knows where everything is. He can just relax and be.

In my case there has been a slow wearing down of surfaces that caused my personal foundation to crack, thus setting my center of balance of kilter. Everything is in a disarray. Some things are broken, some are gone....my security and confidences has vanished with them.

I do not want to venture out to experience what is out there waiting for me without a sanctuary to retreat back to. It does not matter if I have the best guides available. I am too tired from keeping up my guard constantly, from having no safe place to rest.

I am a shell, remember?

But I am not an empty shell. Instead of relying on my center, I must draw strength from her heart. I must find safety in my heart. I can do this because of one of the most powerful forces of the Light: Love.

And for that I cannot begin to thank Mon Coeur enough.

~E ~The worst is over now And we can breathe again I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away There's so much left to learn And no one left to fight I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open And I don't feel like I am strong enough Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away~ ——— ((Lyrics from Broken - Seether feat. Amy Lee))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-01-30 23:54 EST

RhyDin The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 30th of January (2010); Late Afternoon.

Oh, what nosy voisines I have! They were banging on my door early this afternoon with the pretense of wondering when I was going to reopen the shoppe. What they really wanted to know about was why I am escorted home in the wee hours of the morning by my handsome fiance. As if they would ever let me hear the end of it if they saw him leave my home at such hours!

I hated wasting my precious time with him on sleep, but I am not yet fully restored. I am woefully weak in the magical sense, yet am feeling less nauseous and fatigued in general. I shared with Connar that I believe the draining has stopped. Once I am strong again, I will take the fight to my opponent before s/he can strike me again. He liked the beginning, but not so much the end.

He's had a vision of what will most likely happen in the future. Monumental changes in his life must take before we are able to wed. I told him I could not ask him to give up his life, his gifts, his family....anything for me. He replied that he knew I did not ask them, it is his wish to do so. We both look forward to the time when we can focus on each other and become husband and wife. Whether it is in the near future or many years from now, neither of us know.

In the meantime, I both rejoice and am amazed that our love for one another grows deeper with each day that passes.

He might not believe in luck; but, I believe I am blessed.

~E

Elessaria · Date: 2010-02-13 22:17 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 13th of February (2010); Late afternoon.

I had to close up shop early for an opportunity I couldn't miss. I was invited by a new designer on Benson Boulevard to make a guest appearance down the runway and where one of her designs. Frida was extremely kind to allow me to participate in such an exciting - yet terrifying- experience. There will be no time to change before the Valentine's Gala that also signals the end to RhyDin's Fashion Weeks.

It has been one year now that ~Heart Notes~ has been in business and it has flourished beyond mind wildest hopes. Fashion Week has been extremely busy both because of upcoming Saint's holiday and because I had crafted a limited edition fragrance collection for Koy's charity gala. I'm both proud and honoured that I was asked to contribute. Papillon Ephemere was an experiment for me since it is the first time I have used pheromones in a fragrance and also crushed pearls in the body products. It is all the better that all proceeds go to charity.

Even though I have been busy, there has still been time enough free for me to miss Connar. I cannot help but worry after our last conversation. I did not realize that night that he was going away for an extended time. That might have been the last time that I saw him that he would recognize me. I know my heart will recognize him no matter what shape nor form he may be....or even if he does not recognize me.

But what if he cannot find his way back to RhyDin" It tears me apart to think I may be separated from him for centuries before he can find his way back to me. There is so much more I wanted to share with him before he left. I promised to be brave and I am trying so hard to be. I have not breathed a word of this to our friends. As I regain my strength, I smile bravely and do what I can to be there for them. I will go to the dance tonight, laugh and spend time with my friends. But my heart will be with mon amour.

~E

———- ~On m'invite, on me d'sire et je danse et je sors Et quand je danse je t'aime encore

Mais o' es-tu " Aussi loin sans m"me une adresse Et que deviens-tu " L'attente est ma seule caresse

Et je t'aime encore Comme dans les chansons banales Et "a me d"vore Et tout le reste m'est "gal

De plus en plus fort A chaque souffle " chaque pas Et je t'aime encore Et toi tu ne m'entends pas~

———- ((Lyrics from Je t'aime encore - Jean Jacques Goldman

Chante par Celine Dion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogDd_ODYn2U))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-03-12 21:12 EST

RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 12th of March (2010); Early evening.

It has been about two lunar cycles since I have seen him and felt the warmth of his gaze, the gentleness of his touch. I miss him more than I ever dreamed. The draining of Evandar has slowed; perhaps even ceased. I will not know for sure until I can cross the portal safely. I hope to do so on the Spring Equinox as I do every year. What little strength I have remaining from my work, I am storing for this. I know not what to expect when I get there; but, I will prepare for the worst. I just wish....pray....that sometime before I go, I get to see mon amour once more.

~E

~D"tourner des rivi'res, porter des poids Traverser des mers, je saurais faire

D"fier des machines, narguer des lois Les foudres divines, "a m'effraie pas

J'sais prendre un coup, le rendre aussi River des clous, "a j'ai appris

J'suis pas victime, j'suis pas colombe Et pour qu'on m'ab"me, faut qu'je tombe

Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas

Je savais le silence depuis longtemps J'en sais la violence, son go"t de sang

Rouges col'res, sombres douleurs Je sais ces guerres, j'en ai pas peur

Je sais me d"fendre, j'ai bien appris On est pas des tendres par ici

Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas

Lutte apr's lutte, pire apr's pire Chaque minute, j'ai cru tenir

J'voudrais apprendre jour apr's jour Mais qui commande " nos amours?

Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas

Je sais pas Je sais pas~ ———————————————- ((Lyrics from ]Je Sais Pas, Written By: Jean-Jacques Goldman and J. Kapler ))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-06-07 23:31 EST

RhyDin The Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Monday, the 7th of June (2010); Late Evening.

~My hands are searching for you My arms are outstretched towards you I feel you on my fingertips My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I'm breathing Holding on to what I'm feeling Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me And you whisper you love me And I begin to fade Into our secret place

The music makes me sway The angels singing say we are alone with you I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I'm breathing Holding on to what I'm feeling Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry The light is white And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I'm breathing Holding on to what I'm feeling Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it to you Now you own me All I am You said you would never leave me I believe you I believe

I can feel you all around me Thickening the air I'm breathing Holding on to what I'm feeling Savoring this heart that's healed~ ————- ((Lyrics from "All Around Me", Flyleaf))

Elessaria · Date: 2010-08-28 20:53 EST

RhyDin The Courtyard Garden at ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 28th of August (2010); Late Afternoon.

I have finally returned from Evandar and hasten to prepare the shoppe to be re-opened next week. Threats of enlisting Les Voisines to assist in all the cleaning is the only way I have managed to keep them from setting up watch in the salon area and avoiding their attempts to ferret out the details of my absence.

So far it seems that my work at Evandar is successful for I am slowly and steadily regaining my strength. I am nearly back at my normal weight, so I have not bothered with the minute alterations for my clothing. Only the most discerning eyes can tell anyway.

Much has happened in my absence, yet very little has changed. It has been good to see the familiar and friendly faces of my friends like Johnny, Juliane, Tara, Joey, Lucien and Icer. I have invited Sylvia and her children for a visit to pick some of the peaches that are weighing down the slender boughs of the trees here in the garden. She is such a good, steady friend and her children are a pure delight to spend time with.

Lirssa is in a wheelchair and I have not yet had the opportunity to question her as to what happened. It just wasn't proper to do while I was busy tending last night.

If I do not see Eva, Mason or Rena soon, I will make certain to stop by their homes to check on them.

I could swear I sensed the lingering traces of Connar's aura the other night when I sat upon the Inn's swing. Much was muddled because of the passage of many patrons and I also wonder just how much was the multitude of memories that resurfaced with such a simple, but familiar act. The falcon has not returned to my knowledge and I fully admit I am worried. This has been the longest he has been gone since we have known each other.

I must stop rambling now and return inside to make the sachets for Fio so they will be ready for Lirssa to pick up on Tuesday.

~E