Topic: LIFE & LOVE: The Soul Of The Flame

Elessaria

Date: 2013-10-05 15:49 EST
Upon the nightstand next to the bed Elessaria shares with Luke, an embossed, leather bound journal falls open to reveal a silvery script forming on the vellum pages...

~When I'm feeling down The mention of your name It lifts my spirit up. It makes me carry on, When I don't have the strength Your faith can heal me. Like the sun that shines You gave me light to see.

Catch me cause I'm falling, I'm so lost, inside your love. Can't you hear me calling To your heart, Cause you're the one reason I go on.

Could I find the words to tell you how I feel. With one look from your eyes. I know what heaven's worth So whats in everything To hold and touch you.

You're the air I breathe, The reason my heart beats.

Catch me cause I'm falling, I'm so lost, inside your love. Oo can't you hear me calling, To your heart, cause you're the one reason I go on. The reason I go on, yeah.

Baby I'm just dreaming but my hope it keeps me strong.

Oh, catch me cause I'm falling, I'm so lost, inside your love Oo can't you hear me calling, To your heart, cause you're the one reason I go on.~

((The Reason I Go On- Celine Dion))

Elessaria

Date: 2013-12-20 21:49 EST
Hearthside Friday, the 20th of December (2013); Evening.

It is another Yule in RhyDin. I am quite blessed to have such good friends, Luke and a booming business; however, I have to admit it is still a struggle to be festive. The nightmares plague me and while I am healing, large groups and high emotions are exhausting for me to endure at any length. The physical scars are fading even though the cursed bindings still mark my wrists and neck— reminders of both the physical and emotional torture I survived. The physical will continue to fade; yet, I wonder if I will ever truly heal from this last bout of emotional assault. Calonderial knew me well and knew how to hurt me more than almost any other creature could ever have dreamed of doing. I still hope and pray I was able to keep the worst of it from affecting my loved ones. They are too kind to share what they sensed or felt....if anything.

The Governor's Ball was a lovely affair and I enjoyed once again the simple pleasures of dressing up, dancing and being surrounded by those about whom I care. I am well enough to return to doing custom work at ~Heart Notes~ and often when I cannot sleep, I find refuge in this pleasant task of creating joy for others.

Our home is decorated and filled with the delicious scents of baking. It seems the cold weather makes Luke "nest". Or maybe it's just to celebrate life? I finished baking an elven treat my mother used to make. It is similar to what humans from Earth call baklava. Lots of thin layers of delicate pastry, but filled with delectable elven nuts and dried fruits. It was difficult to fight the ghosts surrounding this tradition, but I am stronger for having done so.

I will heal. I will. I will not allow him to have power over me anymore.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2014-05-03 18:07 EST
Bedroom Deck Saturday, the 3rd of May; Late Afternoon

I pushed myself too hard, too quickly. Thus, I had to take another break from the public to regain my strength. At least I was productive during this absence and have a surprise to celebrate the Fifth Anniversary of Heart Notes.

Spring is always difficult for me in RhyDin and this one was more difficult than usual. I could not go to RhyDin to face my fears after....after all that has happened. I cannot even write the words, never mind speak them out loud.

The nightmares still haunt me nightly. I wonder if they always will. Even during the days, the images He showed me still reduce me to tears with grief and pain. I know they were lies. I do! Why do they still hurt so"

I am going to try to attend the Beltane Ball in RhyDin and then pay a visit to Shea to join her family and allies at their celebration in Edhel Nor. Mayhaps she can help me sort through some of this.

I wish my magic were strong again. I feel broken inside because of it. The flame a dim light, struggling in the darkness. Sometimes I wish it were my Empathy that was diminished instead. Then I would not feel as much. I feel ungrounded, confused, lost and plagued with doubt. Have I made the right decisions"

At least the freesia has bloomed and the scent brings more positive memories than negative. I will weave a few sprigs into my hair for tonight. For luck...

~E

Attendre

Attendre Quelqu"un qui n"arrive pas Attendre Sans jamais perdre la foi Pour prendre La route qu"on a d"cid" De prendre Il nous faut du temps parfois Malgr" Ce qui pourrait nous faire douter On veut tous esp'rer

Attendre Que quelqu"un vienne nous chercher Attendre Qu"on puisse enfin retrouver Si tendre Cet amour qu"il nous fallait Attendre Et le temps pour enfin se Comprendre C"est la vie qui saura nous Apprendre La vie a toujours raison d"attendre D"attendre

Attendre Un enfant qui te ressemble Attendre Les premiers sons de sa voix Entendre Les mots que j"ai tant r"v's D"entendre Les partager avec toi Malgr" Tout ce qui pourrait nous blesser On veut tous esp'rer

Attendre Que quelqu"un vienne nous chercher Attendre Qu"on puisse enfin retrouver Si tendre Cet amour qu"il nous fallait Attendre Et le temps pour enfin se Comprendre C"est la vie qui saura nous Apprendre La vie a toujours raison d"attendre Oui d"attendre

Attendre Que toi tu viennes enfin me Surprendre Et de ta vie toute enti're D"pendre Ne pas dire un mot et se comprendre Moi j"ai pass" ma vie " T"attendre Et tout ce temps que j"ai voulu Prendre C"est l"amour qu"il me faut te rendre Sans attendre Sans attendre

Sentir Qu"il est maintenant l"heure de D'sob"ir Qu"il faut tout vivre avant de Mourir Et sans trembler, sans s"attendre Au pire Sans peur des coups, sans peur de Souffrir Nous construirons ensemble L"avenir Laisse-moi encore une fois Te dire De m"attendre

Oui attendre Que toi tu viennes enfin me Surprendre Et de ta vie toute enti're D"pendre Ne pas dire un mot et se comprendre Moi j"ai pass" ma vie " T"attendre Et tout ce temps que j"ai voulu Prendre C"est l"amour qu?il me faut te rendre Sans attendre

— (Elodie Hesme / David Gategno)

Elessaria

Date: 2014-11-08 21:18 EST
The Ruins of Asheby Manor The 8th of November(2014); Just before dusk.

Do I even know who I am anymore" A husk...a ghost....a shell...a charade"

That seed of darkness implanted has taken root and grown. Slowly. However the fact that it has even taken root scares me in ways I cannot begin to even explain.

I feel so broken. Shattered. Vulnerable.

Will I ever find myself again?

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2014-11-22 19:22 EST
The Work Room ~Heart Notes~ The 22nd of November (2014); Dusk

I cannot seem to shake the dream that drew me inexorably to the Inn last week. Night and day....it seems to hover elusively at the fringes of my consciousness, teasing me.

In the dream, I was with him, but I know not where. He had been in a river or mayhaps a large pond and told me answers lurked within. I went to jump in as I need answers that none are able to give; yet, he held me back— it was too dangerous for me. He had taken the risk for me. It was frigid and his clothes rapidly froze. We found a tiny, abandoned cottage where we at first did not risk a fire for fear of being found. He succumbed to a fever, so I risked a small fire and tended to him day and night. I could not let him die for helping me. Our hunters, I do not know who they were, followed the smoke to our location; but, I managed to pretend I was a simple farmer's wife in a village that was vacated because of fevers which caused a terrible, painful death. I informed them my husband was very ill and I most likely would catch it, then die myself. They departed hastily. When I returned inside to wipe his brow with more cool water, he caught my wrist— in a grip so strong in spite of the lengthy sickness. He placed a kiss upon the inside of my wrist that was filled with incredible tenderness and was more intimate than any kiss I shared before.

And then I woke...

~E ~Darkness on the edge Shadows where I stand I search for the time On a watch with no hands I want to see you clearly Come closer than this But all I remember Are the dreams in the mist These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away~ (These Dreams- Heart)

Elessaria

Date: 2014-12-05 19:27 EST
RhyDin The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 5th of December (2014); Early Afternoon

Somehow I am managing to keep up with all of the custom orders this season in addition to being nearly ready to launch a new product line for the parfumerie. I am unsure how since I keep "losing time". At least this past week it has only been an hour or two...here or there, and not like the other times when I actually lost days at a time.

Connar is right— I need to focus less on the Dark and more on the Light. Living in fear still gives Him control over me in spite of my freedom. I need to stop being a victim, but so much of my strength is gone. My heart is torn; my thoughts are confused; I do not know how I am of any use to anyone like this. Part of me wants to flee RhyDin, but where would I even go' Evandar is closed to me for now.

At least I know now Connar would still recognize me no matter how much time has passed. I am not sure how many years have passed in his world, but it was too long for me.

One sentence at a time. Then a paragraph. Then a page. Then perhaps a whole new chapter.... I will own my life again. I will be whole once more.

~E

~ You can write the song And write the story Live all of this life in all its glory Take the time to make the time to make each moment count It's your life It's your call Grab the chance Have it all

?Cause we're all unfinished songs Waiting for the best part to come along, hey, hey And we're all pictures half drawn We can be anything we want, hey, hey~

(Lyrics from Diane Warren's Unfinished Songs)

Elessaria

Date: 2014-12-19 13:00 EST
RhyDin The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 19th of December(2014); Noon.

I was so glad not only to have attended the Governor's Yule Ball, but to survive it. I was able to spend time with my good friends and to enjoy all of the pomp and circumstance that comes with it. I had had an episode prior to it and was recovering, but I believe I managed to hide the worst of it from my friends. However, I believe Joey suspects something is wrong.

I have been reading some ancient scrolls I found at Teas and Tomes in order to seek some answers to these spells where I "lose time". They are written in a rare elven dialect and particularly difficult to decipher; but, if my suspicions are true, I may have discovered why my magical gifts have not returned after this last capture.

I am terrified. I need to find Shea or Tass. They may be able to help me, but I do not believe Shea is well. I cannot share this with anyone until I know for certain.

May whatever gods and goddesses are listening grant me this one wish and not have this be true.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2014-12-26 20:22 EST
RhyDin Upstairs Apartment at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 26th of December (2014); Late Afternoon.

Well, I believe I have made a proper mess of my life; however, there is naught proper nor right about it. What is new about that' Nothing. The worst part for me is crumbling in public. I really detest when that happens, but how could my friends know their innocent questions would lead to tears when I have hidden so much from them.

And from myself.

I am still just as confused, but speaking with Eva the other night helped me to put a voice to some of the emotions and thoughts which have been swirling in my head and heart. I am still terrified beyond belief, but I will visit Eva at the clinic after the New Year. I am hoping she will be able to at least confirm some of my suspicions.

I look forward to some rest before the next holiday. I am certain my exhaustion does not help me think clearly.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-01-09 21:58 EST
RhyDin The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 9th of January (2015); Late Morning.

One of the benefits of having the shoppe closed for a few weeks is being able to sleep in, but I have started to work on fragrances for the Saint's holiday. I do enjoy the creation of new scents and it helps keep my mind occupied. I was extremely exhausted for a few days this week after trying to draw some mana from the fire in my home. I could do it, which was encouraging, but the more I drew, the more was siphoned away from me. It is perplexing, yet confirms my suspicions. Now that Eva's big bout is over, I shall see her at her clinic. I did not want her concerns to interfere with her match.

It has been good to see my friends and to make new ones. The teasing, the bantering, etc. have all helped to lighten my spirits. However, I think the Darkness either reaches out when it senses other Darkness near me, or mayhaps it is the other way around. I have been surrounded by friends; so, I have not feared overly for my safety. I believe they will not forsake me if all of this comes to pass.

Connar has been visiting RhyDin regularly, but we never know how long we will get to enjoy his presence. He is in a new land and for once does not seem to be burdened horribly. Of course he still has his duties, his concerns and such, but he laughs some now. I think it suits him. As for where we stand, I am not entirely sure either of us truly knows or will readily admit.

I ran into Luke when I went to check on Bandito. I hadn't expected him to be home since he had been working all of the time before we parted ways. I know they both have been having difficulty with the ending of the engagement. I am worried because it appears he has been drinking too much, but his having to care for Bandito will help him through. I did not wish to hurt him. I know how it is to be in his position. I just could not continue, because I was no longer truly living.

Mayhaps as much as I want to find my happily ever after, it is not meant to be....Mayhaps I do not deserve it...

~E

~I can hear the final words, every sentence that was said. Don't know what turned our lives around. It doesn't matter who was right. There's no justice in a dream. Never thought a heart could break without making any sound. Is nothing sacred anymore" Is forever just another word" Is a promise something people use to keep when love was worth fighting for" If we can say goodbye, if we can say goodbye. Is nothing sacred anymore" If we can say goodbye. Is nothing sacred anymore"

Our love was as certain as the dawn. As solid and safe as any love could be. Our love was a star to wish upon. And you thought that I'd saved you. Could've sworn that you saved me. Is nothing sacred anymore" Is forever just another word" Is a promise something people use to keep when love was worth fighting for"~ ((Lyrics from Is Nothing Sacred Anymore - D.Black, J. Steinment))

Elessaria

Date: 2015-01-15 22:21 EST
Rhy'Din My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Thursday, the 15th of January (2015); Dawn

I reopened the parfumerie yesterday since the Saint's holiday is only one month away. What an incredibly busy day!!! The Skin Silks are selling very well as well as the customary fragrances; however, I am so very tired.

This past weekend I believe marks the first time I have ever seen Connar shed a tear. While it touched me deeply, it pierced my heart to see him struggle so. I know there have been many times in his past where he has been weary of his path, but this....this felt different. I am not sure if it was because I wanted it to feel different.

I am pretty sure we both wish our lives allowed us to be together, because months or years can go by (even centuries in his case) and it seems as if little to no time has past — at least in how our hearts feel towards one another.

I am not sure what to do or even what to say... Part of me wants to plead for him never to leave me again, yet I don't want to force him into that. He made promises to his god.

And then sometimes I wonder if mayhaps I did not fight hard enough in the past... Should I have asked him to stay' Or should I have pleaded with him to allow me to go with him"

What do I do when it is time for him to go again?

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-01-20 21:25 EST
RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Tuesday, the 20th of January(2015); Mid-afternoon.

I seem to need more frequent breaks these days and food is incredibly unappealing other than sweets. Even then, it is sometimes hard to keep them down. Eva and I filched cupcakes last weekend, but I guess we technically did not steal anything. Still, we were giggling and had fun. Rena seems to have an admirer. I have purchased glassware from him. I look forward to seeing how it transpires.

The best part of the night was having the chance for Connar and I to share our true feelings — at least as best as we could in such a public place. At least I know it is not necessarily the wrong time nor lack of his wanting me to join him in his world....although, we did not get a chance to discuss the actual reasons why. I need to see Eva more than just in a "professional" way, I believe; so, I offered to take her to lunch after my appointment with her. I think I might arrange it in the opposite order.

In the meantime, I will treasure the moments I get to spend with Connar and hope he can view me less as a weakness and more as a strength. ~E

~All of your fears Cast them on me All I ever wanted was you to see I'll be your cloud up in the sky I'll be your shoulder when you cry I'll hear your voices when you call me I am your Angel And when all hope is gone, I'm near No matter how far you are, I'm near It makes no difference who you are I am your Angel I'm your Angel, oh yes I saw your teardrops, and I heard you cry All you need is time Seek me and you shall find You have everything and you're still alone It don't have to be this way Let me show you a better day Oh and then you will see The morning will come And all of your days will be bright as the sun All of your fears All of your fears Just cast them on me How can I make you see~ (Lyrics by R. Kelly; And here's a link to one of my favorite versions of this duet w/ Celine Dion and Garou http://youtu.be/0fWPfFOIl7s)

Elessaria

Date: 2015-01-24 20:32 EST
RhyDin My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 24th of January (2015); Early Evening.



Sadly I believe I have seen Luke more often this week at the Inn than had the last month we were engaged. The first time it was a horrible, ugly mess. He was drunk, bitter, chain smoking and it looked as if that had been the norm for him. I was saddened to hear his mother had passed; I would wish that on no one. However, I was very angry to seem him behave like he was. He has every right to be upset, to be hurt and to feel however he wishes to feel; but, to revert back to his old ways" It truthfully disgusted me. Hera completely understood my elven cursing.

I stormed off in a temper. How can I explain to him I did not end our engagement because of Connar" I cannot explain to him the details of why' I know he saved me from Calonderial (or more likely, Calonderial permitted him to save me); but, I could not allow our bond to proceed any further than it already had. Very few understand what an exacting toll it is to protect anyone linked to me from feeling my pain. It brought me closer to death. I do not wish to be the cause of anyone's death in any form.

And he is a human mortal with a normal life span and no additional talents to face what I will have to face if what I believe is truth actually does come to pass. I will either have to stay alive to protect the innocent from the Evil and Darkness that will be unleashed, or I shall have to protect an innocent life from being captured and forced to join the Dark.

I am too tired and hardly able to keep food down. At least this last time I saw Luke, he was sober. That eased my heart some. Zofie gave me some stuffed grape leaves to try and they were actually pretty tasty. As long as I nibbled only a small amount at a time, the delicious treat stayed down. I know I need to see Eva, but I get the sense I should not burden her. She seems exhausted herself.

On top of it all, I cannot shake a restlessness that has plagued me for the last few days. I am not certain if it is because I simply have not seen Connar, and of course, naturally worry. Or if there is something truly amiss. I just need to see him and to know he is okay; to hear his heartbeat and be reassured.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-01-26 20:44 EST
RhyDin The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Monday, the 26th of January (2015); Late morning.

Saturday evening I was able to enjoy time with Jewell and Hera. We teased Danny as we love to do and he teases us right back. After Jewell left, Hera had a chance to explain to me more of what happened to Shea and the dissolution of the former alliance. As I am still considered to be an ally, I can go visit Shea which I shall do in hopes of doing something...anything to help her. My heart aches for all of them. They are such strong women. I know they will survive, but still...

And then Connar showed and my worry and restlessness faded soon after. A few treasured hours spent together in quiet where we could talk, joke and share was just what I needed. I hope it eased his heart as much as it did mine.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-03-06 10:49 EST
RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 6th of March. (2015), mid-morning.

Do I ever really relax and recuperate when I close the parfumerie" Of course not! There are preparations for Fashion Week such as getting the Skin Silks prepared for the swag bags. This year, in addition to being a model for Koy, I'll be participating in exhibits. I'm very excited! Once I have an idea as to how "daringly" she will be dressing us, I will inform Connar if it will be safe for him to attend. While others may tease him for his morals and standards, I admire him for them. I know he only holds me in the highest regards and treats me in the most respectful manner — even after Calonderial's violation. He had never treated me as property or even alluded to making me his. Connar could view me in a completely different light, especially now. I could be viewed as a whore; yet, the anger in his eyes when I said as much??" Let us hope nobody ever mentions it even in jest in his presence. There's a diffference in being wanted —even desired— and being acquired. Just another trophy. I have been that before...too many times to count. I fall in love, but when it comes to the final commitment of marriage, I take it seriously. I intend for it to last forever and thus, have only been married once.

All in my circle of immediate friends know of the pregnancy. They have rallied around me and already have started spoiling me. I get a boxed lunch from Mason daily which, based on our differing viewpoints on portion size, is usually supper as well. Eva is incredibly concerned. Mayhaps I should not have asked her to be my doctor. Mason asked if I were keeping the baby, and I guess I never considered otherwise. From the start it has been how to keep us both alive to term. Speaking with Jewell when we had lunch helped tremendously. It was quite a tearful meal for us both, but she was able to shed some light on how the baby is sucking away all of my mana. She could also relate to the added emotimal stress of bearing an unwanted pregnancy. I could only hope I helped to assuage her fears a bit for her visit to Faerie. However, when I saw her last night....

I need an Aja translator! Trying to explain to Connar idiomatic expressions and euphemisms that I barely know was hilarious, but frustrating! I know he couldn't grasp how my seeing him shirtless would be such a huge event, but it would be! It would be him and a first, making it special. I never trivialize any touch or kiss he shares with me. It has been made known to me on more than one occasion I am not his first love and it has been alluded to that more has been shared (although I firmly believe him nor was it claimed there was aught akin to "bedding" done.) I do know, however, a couple can be far more intimate than in just sharing the comfort of their bodies. Do not misunderstand me! His kisses and gentle touches leave me breathless!!! I do enjoy them so! I let him take the lead so as he can be comfortable. And to be honest, I prefer when he takes control. There's something about his utter masculinity that beckons and appeals to my feminine nature.

Ican only hope that mayhaps instead of being his first love, I can be his last love. After all, We do keep reconnecting over all of these years. I am not sure what the fates have in store for us.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-03-16 21:31 EST
RhyDin My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 15th of March (2015); Late Night

Oh, the Fashion Show was INCREDIBLE! Koy completely outdid herself this year! The other designers are going to eat themselves alive with jealousy. My fellow models were incredibly gorgeous and Koy picked designs that suited us very well. Mine was called Dragon's Heart and admittedly I was nervous to be the one to start off the event! However, the energy from the audience was electrifying and helped me conquer any fears I had.

Jewell's new club was the venue and it's amazing — a slice of fey inside of RhyDin. Eva came to watch and even Connar made it, although he was too late to see the actual show. I have sensed Calonderial around recently, but I refuse to hide inside my home. I went on with the show in spite of him.

I've taken to wearing the engagement ring Connar had given me several years back, but on a chain of course. He noticed it almost immediately and while I should have asked his permission first, he did not mind at all. He seemed both happy and touched.

There's a sharp contrast between him and Luke. While, I understand Luke's pain and surprise over my ending our engagement, I do not appreciate his speaking poorly about me in public. I have not spoken negatively about him in public, nor to our mutual friends. I am also not entirely certain why he was as shocked as he was except that he hadn't even noticed I had stopped wearing my engagement ring for several months before things ended. Connar has never begrudged my happiness and has always wished for me to find happiness in whatever ways I needed and mayhaps, in time, Luke might wish the same. I know I do not like to see him hurting, but if he can hate me so much, so suddenly and be vocal about it...then how much did he truly love me to begin with' There is so much he just cannot understand from being a human mortal.

Tomorrow morning I re-open the parfumerie. It has been a nice break, but I'll be happy to be busy working with my clientele once more. It will be even more fun when Rena has opened her shoppe.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-04-06 23:16 EST
RhyDin My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes ~ Monday, the 6th of April (2015); Late Evening.

Approximately two weeks of bed rest and I am about to lose my mind. Although I am certain my sanity has always been in question.

I felt so wracked with guilt after hearing about Jewell's loss and there I was sitting across from her pregnant with everyone willing to love and accept this child.

Except for me.

And then came the spotting....and the cramping... Just when I was beginning to wrap my brain around the whole concept of carrying Calonderial's child, I was about to lose it. I was not prepared for that nor for Calonderial's ire and the possibility of him killing someone I love as punishment.

Eva ran tests and I suffered from preterm labor and continue to have placenta previa. I luckily escaped hospitalization by fervently promising to adhere to strict bed rest and all of her other recommendations. Luckily my friends have been wonderful, as always. They have made sure I eat, that King John and Cleo are taken care of and that the parfumerie is open a few hours a day for non-custom orders.

Tonight I will pop out to visit for a few hours. I hope to see Connar. I am terribly worried about him and if he has shown in RhyDin, I am sure the feeling is mutual.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-07-18 21:23 EST
Rhy'Din My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday the 18th of July (2015); Early Evening.

I think it is time to show my face again in public other than my shoppe and the few visits with friends. Now that Eva and I believe I have entered my second trimester, I feel a bit more balanced emotionally. I definitely feel stronger physically and am almost back to my normal weight.

I spent a few days at Aja's resort and I feel refreshed....cleansed in a way. Although I spent much of my days staring out over the water, wondering how Connar fares. I miss him deeply. I trust his god will protect him.

Calonderial has been quiet and I am not certain if 'tis good or bad. At least he has not passed the wards that Shadow extended and strengthened for me.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-12-19 14:53 EST
RhyDin The 19th of December (2015), Early morning. The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ I have felt Connar's presence back in the realm. How could I not' I could follow his heart and soul as far as the deepest recesses of Hells and back. I have longed to see him, but I have had some trepidation for some unknown reason. Of course I have also been swamped by all of the custom orders for the Yule season as well as wrestling with the unborn child. He likes to think he is in control already; I guess he takes after his father.

Serah confirmed his return and he has not found another to fill his heart as I had feared. Why I would even think that, I am not sure. He has always been steadfast, faithful and devoted no matter how I had behaved.

I need Connar. I need him and want him....like an orphan wishes for a home; like a robin waits for spring; and how a trout lives for the swirling currents in a pocket of a spring filled brook. I do not know where any of this may lead. We enter nine years of love this coming year in Rhy'Din time. A rather long time considering how quickly most relationships fade in this realm. All I know is even if I may flirt a little (okay, a lot) and in spite of attractions to others, He has always held the other half of my heart and my soul.

This time of year is particularly difficult. Not because I really celebrate these holidays; but rather watching all of the displays of love and family. I know I have family in my friends, but is it so selfish of me to dream of more?

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2015-12-22 20:28 EST
RhyDin Her Bedroom Suite Above ~Heart Notes~ The 22nd of December (2015), Evening.

Well, my Christmas wish came true! Not only did I see many of my friends, I got to see the Keeper of My Heart — Connar! It felt amazing to be with him again, although he still maintains a streak of mischief. He had me believe, for a few moments at least, he wished for me to no long wear the ring her made me. Instead, he only wished for me not to wear it about me neck any longer. He asked if I would wear it once again upon my finger as a sign of our promise to each other....for all to see. I only wish I could follow him into his world. Well, I could....but 'twould be against his wishes, so I will refrain from doing so.

Jewell and I are going to select appropriate gowns for Shea's celebration. Even though we are friends and allies, it might be a bit awkward with my being betrothed to Connar once again. I definitely will appreciate the company because I do not traverse portals very well and with the unborn child, I do not know what might happen.

I had an unexpected and quite pleasant surprise last night. Tannie was able to soothe the babe. I should not be completely surprised as there are many layers to our sweet Taneth. I have seen some of her less...mmm....pleasant sides, but I definitely do not wish to linger on those thoughts. At least I know I have help if he becomes unsettled and she is present. She was also generous and invited me to her home.

It is a whirlwind of business meetings, celebrations and work right now! I cannot wait for a vacation!

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-02-20 21:48 EST
RhyDin Her Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 20th of February (2016); Early Evening.

My body finally gave out to pay the price of such a long holiday season and I actually slept right through the Saint's holiday! I missed seeing Connar, but exhaustion prevailed. He left a special candle with knotted rope for me to find at my courtyard doorstep. It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received and each time I catch a whiff of it while I lounge in my bed, I dream of our future — relaxing, snuggled in a hammock with an ocean's breeze caressing our skin. Talk about romantic! I will not burn this candle!

Lyavain has finally eased up a little on his guard to go hunting more regularly, although the local butcher has now pronounced me one of his favored customers. He rarely left my side until my strength returned and whatever medicines Eva prescribed to fight the infections helped tremendously even if they took a bit of time. I'm still scarred, but they are steadily fading.

It's been good to see friends like Antonio, Anya and Phen again. As well as all of my others! The Valentine's Ball was divine. Everyone was turned out in their finest as usual which is always so much fun to see. Plus I got to dance with Connar. We disregarded the disco music and rather danced to what resounded in our hearts. At times it is incredibly painful to be apart from him. I worry so much; yet, I know he not only has physical battles to survive but the emotional one of being divided between two worlds. The odds might be against us, but I just know in my heart of hearts we will make it through every obstacle that is set in our way. Why else would our gods keep bringing us back together over and over again?

I only wish we could figure out a method to keep in touch between our worlds. I think it would do both of our hearts some good....give us a morsel of peace to cling to whilst we are apart.

Oh and Fashion Week is nearly upon us! Jewellsie and I are plotting and planning already. Not that we need much encouragement to shop. I need to send word to Koy that I will assist however she needs me to — whether it is to contribute to the swag bags, design a fragrance for a charity auction or yes, even walk the catwalk. It's fun even though I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest every time I do it.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-03-23 20:18 EST


Lost in a sea of nightmares, doubt and darkness, The Empath has been suffering crippling panic attacks. Whether they're some sort of post traumatic stress or the twisted games of Calonderial's father, she's too distraught to determine the source. The parfumerie is still closed and she's been spending her time secluded for fear of harming those near her if she ventures beyond her wards. Lyavain keeps guard over his mistress as she clings to memories of strong arms, tender kisses, whispered words and a gentle hazel gaze to survive this storm....

Elessaria

Date: 2016-06-15 14:39 EST
RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Wednesday, the 6th of June (2016), Early Afternoon

I am really quite blessed to have the friends I do here in RhyDin. Cie and Danny gifted me with such lovely treasures— delicious teas and pastries (mayhaps to tempt me to eat and thus gain back some weight?). divine smelling roses and the most ethereal silk I have ever felt and laid eyes upon. I shared some of the tasty confections with Lyavain and brought the fabric to Koy to fashion into the perfect gown for me. I dare not attempt to sew it myself! The roses I added to my summer signature scent. They layered beautifully with the freesia. They are so thoughtful and caring. At times, I am almost jealous of their family relationship; yet, they always treat me as if I am one of the family.

All of my friends have gathered around me and been patient as I sequestered myself to heal. I miss them and it is time to return to the living instead of hiding in the shadows. I know Connar would approve of my showing strength instead of despair. My thoughts always turn to him. He carries my heart and my soul. He always has.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-08-06 20:23 EST
Rhy'Din The Courtyard Gardens behind ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 6th of August (2016); Late Afternoon



It is not easy to be an empath and not for the more obvious reasons. I bond easily with those I care about—good or bad. It is easier for me to form or start to form the beginnings of a soulbind than it is for others of my kind. I had formed one one, tricked into it during a time a vulnerability, innocence and trust; but, thankfully Tass was able to break it. If it caused the other half of the bind to suffer or even die, I do not care to be honest. That would be quite surprising for many to know. Life changes us. Sacrifices. Pain. Death. Killing. They affects us more deeply than many are willing to admit.

One was naturally forming with Luke: another reason for me to end our relationship. If one of us were to die, most likely the other would. I could not risk his pain. I could not risk his life with what I was facing with Calonderial and with raising a demon/demi-god child. He was a mere mortal. I did not wish for either of to watch him grow old, feeble and sick while I remained virtually ageless with my extended lifespan. I cared too much. Maybe I was too selfish' Maybe I did not love him enough' I do not know. I know he has returned to drinking heavily or so I had heard rumors. I am not sure if he still does. The key word here is "returned"; so, for that I cannot bear any guilt....for aught else....well, I never wished to cause him pain. I know how painful being rejected or abandoned can be.

Yet there is only one who has always remained faithful and patient to me—Connar—even when I least deserved it. I hope and pray he is well. I have trouble sensing him with the Veils separating our worlds. We share each other's heart and soul, but I have not yet begun to sense a traditional soulbind with him. I believe it is most likely because his soul and works are pledged right now to his god. I also believe I would know if his life ended. My heart would tell me. I try not to dwell on this, but rather on happy memories of times shared.

The peaches are nearly ripe and I might try to leave some near a portal he has used in hopes he finds my small gift. Lyavain does not approve of the idea of my venturing near those portals. I believe he thinks I will not be able to resist temptation and may attempt to pass through one.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-08-09 18:29 EST
Rhy'Din The Work Room at ~Heart Notes~ Tuesday, the 9th of August (2016); Late Morning.

I had nearly forgotten how much fun it is to spend time with my friends, laughing, teasing and just having a good time. It definitely helped my mood Saturday night. I was rather unsettled....more than I had even realized. I know I sensed my baby earlier that day. It was not the first time. I do not know if he seeks me or if it is some ploy of Calonderial's father. I was pretty raw by the time I reached the Inn.

So, the laughter was a much needed balm for my emotions. It also helped to have Calix there. He is very emotionally neutral, so it helped to keep me grounded. Another friend might have accidentally set my feelings swirling instead. I know he does not approve of Connar's long absences from my side. Hardly anyone does. They do not quite understand.

It certainly is not easy.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-08-24 18:50 EST
RhyDin Her Apartment Above ~Heart Notes~ Wednesday, the 24th of August (2016); Early evening.

I am so proud that I was able to spend a couple of hours watching the duels on Saturday night. Well, I couldn't watch Lirssa's fist duel with Kruger very closely, but those two were not out for blood. It was very nice to spend time with Jewell and see so many familiar faces. Evelyn and Olaf even made an appearance. Tara should have been there to take the cranky, hungry plants Olaf gave us!

Once they left, I could not handle staying there too long so I went up to the Inn. However, there was an unfamiliar empath there who was not very well shielded. She did not seem evil, but I sensed Darkness clinging to her. She has some sort of Hell hound at her service which only heightened my discomfort.

I remained out on the porch. It was safer that way especially since the commons had turned into some sort of weapons depot that night. Something that should have taken place on the docks or anywhere less obtrusive, but that is only my opinion. Taneth stopped by and informed me that we needed peanut butter sandwiches and a nap. Crispin would not make them with us which disappointed her. Instead we went to her little cottage made a snack and napped.

It was really nice to have her company. Tannie often reminds me of how I was when I first arrived in RhyDin over a couple of decades ago. I would sit in my friends' laps. It helped to restore my energy and maintain my balance even when I did not know my true nature. Now, I guess it would be unseemly for me to do so. Although I do crave the comfort of touch; it does not have to be romantic. The touch and the closeness of friends who are dear to me can be so healing for me. Tannie's offer helped take the edge off my nerves and I had a decent night's sleep for a change.

I have just launched a new product and I hope all of my work on this project comes to fruition.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-09-20 11:15 EST
RhyDin My Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 18th of September (2016); Sometime after Noon ....or so...

Yesterday was an emotionally topsy turvy day for me. Earlier in the day I had been working on carving some scented soaps and once again, I would swear I sensed my child. It was brief and faint, but enough of a distraction to cause me to cut my palm. I truly do not know if I can trust those feelings. Is it really the babe or is it some twisted game designed by Calonderial's father"

Thankfully Kane did not push too much for a detailed answer when he saw the bandages. I was happy to see him in a much better frame of mind. It saddens me greatly when my friends are hurting. I am disappointed, however, because neither he nor Katt seemed fully convinced I can pass for a human. I am nay certain what to do. They were concerned for my safety mostly and were obviously interested in why I wished to pass as one. I believe at first they thought I wanted to do so in order to please others, and not because I need to hide my true identity for a short time. They suggested a glamour, but until I do a bit more research I will not know if there will be enough magic there to hold the glamour in place.

Then the best part of the night happened: Connar returned. My heart was both overjoyed and tinged with sadness when I saw him. Mostly it was joy. This most recent absence of his seemed to be the hardest on him yet. The anguish was tremendous, yet the anger was even stronger. Usually I sense deep sadness, disappointment and pain. Yes, even some anger along with frustration. Last night, he was still nearly seething just beneath the surface. As we spoke and spent time together, some of it faded. He is so very tired. I am not sure how to help him in this. I told him I would fight for us to have our time. I meant it.

I finally felt centered again after being off kilter all of these months. The simple pleasure in walking home, hand in hand, was a small dream come true. Connar tends to call them tender mercies of his god. I call them bits of happiness. After all of this time, he still knows me so well— better than anyone. I know he was not completely convinced by my nonchalance toward my injured hand, yet he did not press for details.

He said we needed to have good night's rest or a well-deserved rest. Something like that. I know he definitely needed one. I guess, I needed one too.

I left him at my doorstep. I am not sure I was thinking clearly or if I made the right decision. Should I have let him avail himself of my guest room' I think, there would have been too much frippery and finery for him to rest peacefully. And then, I probably would not have left him alone. I would have wanted to keep talking and touching him to ensure this was not all some sort of dream. How would the exhausted man be able to rest with my pestering him"

Mayhaps I should have offered him my workroom at the very least'

I could not even manage to fall asleep knowing he was sleeping on my doorstep! How would I have been able to do so if he was inside?

Overthinking kept me awake obviously and so did my concern about how Lyavain would react to seeing Connar. Not only is he much larger than Nuage, he is also much, much, much more opinionated and has no difficulty letting his opinions be known. I do not think Lyavain would hurt Connar because it would upset me tremendously, but it might have been rather tense. Lyavain is no ordinary lupine to be certain. Then again, Connar is no ordinary man either.

So, I paced for most of the remaining hours of darkness and then watched from my bedroom window seat where I eventually did nod off.

I definitely need to speak with Jewellsie— for some tips on glamour and some advice on what I should do next time. If a next time does present itself...

~E

Connar Valdor

Date: 2016-09-21 23:22 EST
Connar stirred from sleep just as the sun was beginning to chase the stars from the heavens. He opened his eyes to see Lyavain's muzzle just inches from his face, the animal's mouth in a fanged snarl. But as Connar's eyes cleared and stared firmly back at the great wolf, Lyavain could see something equally feral in the man sitting on his mistresses? porch. There's one thing more dangerous than a trapped animal; the creature that cares not whether it lives or dies presents an unpredictable prey. Wolves know this instinctually. Whether he sensed this in Connar, or simply remembered the man's scent and knew him not to be a threat, the wolf padded quietly off into the shadows. Connar raked his fingers through his hair, stretching against the ache and strain in his back and shoulders; a reminder of the lingering effects of his last captivity. The anger, always simmering, rose to the surface. He pushed up from the porch, greeted the rising sun with a murmur, and headed off into the hillside to exhaust his thoughts into submission.

Elessaria

Date: 2016-09-23 22:42 EST
RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Thursday, the 22nd of September (2016); Late Morning.

The sweetest pleasure: curling up for a few hours of sleep on a couch in the Hall with Connar. How I have missed that.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-09-30 22:36 EST
RhyDin Her Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Friday, the 30th of September (2016); Early Evening.

I behaved poorly when I last saw Connar. He is endlessly patient with me. I did not wish to add to his burdens — that is the last thing I would ever want. However, I get frustrated because I cannot fully comprehend his world, his god, nor his duties. I only want to end the suffering I see with his heart being divided between his duty and me.

The way he looks at me....no man has ever looked at me in such a way. His gaze is full of tenderness, love and acceptance. He loves me flaws and all. So many do not understand what we share: a love that is so pure; a powerful love that transcends the physical, rendering it more intimate than what one often finds and labels "love."

I give thanks to whatever gods and goddesses may be listening for each and every precious moment we get to share.

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-10-01 21:42 EST
RhyDin The Window Seat in her Bedroom above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 1st of October (2016); Early Afternoon.

As I sit here and watch the coloured leaves succumb to the autumn breeze, I cannot keep from dwelling upon the sense of foreboding that has shadowed and haunted me these last few days. It faded somewhat while I spent time with Connar, but the moment he departed it returned — even stronger than before.

Is it because I know the snow and cold will be here soon or is there some other cause behind my unease?

~E

Elessaria

Date: 2016-10-04 11:04 EST
RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Tuesday, the 4th of October (2016); Late Morning.

Tender mercies....I often wonder if the gods grant us these precious moments in order to keep us, their playthings, soothed and tamed. I will never understand them. Connar is unbelievably patient with me. He allowed me to convince him to call me a goddess. La Chere Belle Deesse to be exact. We do both know, however, the silly little games are just that — games. A time to relax and escape from the hardships and hurts of our daily lives. I can still sense his sorrow, his frustration and so many other emotions he tries to keep dampened in my presence. For that, I love him even more. It is incredibly frustrating to be an empath and a healer, and not be able to ease his pain completely. I would do it if allowed.

What I could offer him, was laughter to lighten his cares for the few, precious hours we greedily stole. I also allowed him to feel the depth of my emotions for him directly for I lack the ability to put them into words. I lowered my shields, but only for a short bit. I was afraid to tempt the fates and lose what control I managed to maintain. There are surging waves of emotions lying just beneath the surface of both of us, and if we lost control, I know we would drown. It was a small gift I could give him which I hope he will remember when times are darkest for him. There is always a blue flame, lit and waiting to guide him.

He managed to explain to me a bit more about his duty in a way that made me understand better, but it did not relieve any of my frustration.

Sweet kisses, soft and tender touches, falling asleep to the lullaby of his heartbeat.....yes, tender mercies. I should be thankful and not so greedy, but alas I am no goddess in truth.

~E

Connar Valdor

Date: 2016-10-05 14:20 EST
RhyDin The Great Hall at the Red Dragon Inn Wednesday, the 5th of October (2016); early hours before dawn.



As he lay beside her on the couch, sleep was elusive. He propped his head up on his elbow, looking at her as he lightly moved his fingers through the wisps of her hair at her cheek. The flickering light from the hearth amplified the golden color, making him feel he was truly with an angel.

Elessaria soothed his unease, as she always did when they were together. They both carried a heavy malaise, sensing that something on the horizon was soon to change their lives. He simply could not bring himself to tell her that on the morrow he would be returning to his labors in his world. Even now, in the waning hours of the morning, he tried to contain the emotions welling inside, the horrible sense of loss that was taking hold of him. He feared she would feel his emotions and be awakened, so he tried to temper them as best he could. She looked so peaceful sleeping, he wanted to remember how she looked and felt in that moment.

He thought about all they had shared, all they had experienced in the nearly decade they had known each other in this distant realm. Centuries had rolled past in his world and time, but the hourglass in Rhy'din seemed to have its own pace, its own rhythmic cadence. That was part of its allure, what made it a retreat for so many chased from their own worlds and realms and cares.

And yet the duty and oaths of his world beckoned, and he could no longer ignore their calls. He knew he would be unable to return to her, to this realm, for a very long time, if at all. What was left of his hardened heart was breaking.

-