RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 4th of February (2017); Evening.

It has been too long since I have been able to set my pen to paper and I would like to be able to blame it on it being my busy season, but that would not be entirely truthful. If I were to be honest with myself, it is simply because I do not even know where to begin. For the last four months, I have been lost and have been struggling to find my center. I am still struggling.

Part of me is ashamed not to have been able to say farewell to Connar. We both knew it was coming. We could sense it. We always could— the malaise that always threatened to steal our few, stolen moments of happiness. After my breakdown with the dismantling of the nursery, I was in no condition to handle any more stress. Lyavain had attempted to hide the return of the Blood Rains from me (he is such a brave guardian), yet I detected the faint, pinkish smudges on his snowy white fur. We have never said good bye in the past because we never knew what would happen. Would either of us be killed" Would his god permit his return" There was always hope for us to cling to. We simply do not say goodbye.

However, this time he did...at least in some manner. I am not entirely certain if it was a genuine farewell. He left me a poem of sorts in the Inn, tucked in my favorite chair. Icer gave it to me. He thanked me for wanting to be his wife. And now I do not know if he will ever be able to return to me and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

All of this unrest and discord that has been stirred up since the gubernatorial elections definitely only adds to the strain. The protests, the attacks, it all seems surreal. I have had Lyavain keeping a close watch on the children and have made sure to adjust their delivery routes to safer areas. He does not like not being constantly at my side, yet understands how precious their lives are to me. So, he does as I bid him.

In the midst of all of this, I am genuinely worried about Jewell. Of course, not only by being her friend, but by mere virtue of my unique gifts, I am a potential target. Being a target, however, is nothing new to me. She attempts to be light-hearted, but I can sense the strain it is taking on her — glamour or not. No matter what, I will do whatever I can to assist her.

Thankfully, I have dear friends to help me through. I ventured out to the Yule Ball and enjoyed myself tremendously. Danny had quite a lot to do with that. He did get rather protective and escorted me home, standing watch nearby throughout the night. It has been nice to be escorted home with all of the violence. I know it has helped ease some of Lyavain's worries and has allowed him to hunt without guilt.

Only ten days left until the Saint's holiday has passed. Then mayhaps a break"

~E

Rhy'Din My Bedroom Suite above ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 12th of February (2017); Just past midnight.

I sent word to the Mercyvian Embassy for Danny and Cie to meet me earlier on Sunday after today's events. Luckily nobody was seriously hurt, but I am quite exhausted. Neither of them will be pleased to see my bloody lip and bruised cheek, yet they are healing pretty quickly and look much better than earlier.

I am finally packed. I am certain I will return with much more than what I am bringing: some personal items, my journal and a few outfits in similar style to what I have seen Cieara wear. Anything I shall need I will be able to purchase and if there is a delay, I am sure I can borrow something to tide me over.

I am very excited as this is my first vacation in years! At least I am trying to focus on it as a vacation and viewing it as running away. As a wise old, half dwarf told me, "'Tis not yer fight this time, lassie." Although I am worried about my friends.

I gave Lyavain a thorough bath (especially needed after the earlier skirmish) and the mischievous fellow somehow found and donned a gorgeous collar of leather and gold, decorated with sparkling citrines. I think it compliments his eyes and pristine fur very well. I guess he wished to look formal...mayhaps even regal"

The theatre awaits as does shopping, new cultural experiences, exploring marketplaces, possible dances and/or parties. Did I mention shopping" I might even make a business connection or two!

I doubt I will get much if any sleep, but I need to at least try!

~E

RhyDin My Bedroom Above ~Heart Notes~ Saturday, the 12th of May (2018); Evening.

It has been many months since I have set quill to these pages and I am not entirely certain why. The more things change, the more they stay the same. That seems to be life in RhyDin.

Mayhaps it is the sheer exhaustion. Lack of sleep due to the intense nightmares certainly exacts a toll. I can finally let the children return mostly to their duties in safety now that the Night Court, Jewell's doppleganger and her wild fae no longer seem to be actively dangerous. {That evil monster might be dead, but I still refuse to name her — even on paper.) I am reluctant to allow them full freedom to perform their tasks, but I can no longer bear the burden of all of the work myself. TheSisters of Scathach seem to have disappeared and therefore, I yet worry for the safety of my charges. I still venture into the more dangerous areas or send Lyavain to accompany them about which he is very unhappy. The children still needed their coin, so during my busy season I found various jobs for them to do. I can say my shoppe and my courtyard have never looked more pristine.

While exhaustion has been part of why I have been out of the public's eye, I must admit my heart truly was not up for any of the celebrations I would normally attend.

Guilt weighs heavily upon me and I often wonder what my purpose may be and if my existence is still relevant. I could not save my dearest friend and I was of no help in her battles against her foes. I promised Ishmerai to be available if needed; however, there were others much more suited to aid her. I cannot even bring myself to honour my parents on the Spring Equinox since my last capture and torture by Calonderial even though I killed him myself.

I enjoyed my visit last Spring with the DeAusters. It felt good to be part of a family again even if it was on the fringes. I say that it was because of that visit, a wanderlust overcame me. But, if I am honest with myself, I was running away. My travels and business dealings were quite lucrative, yet really not necessary. My custom orders and the work I do for Aja's resort provide more than enough for me for several lifetimes. At times I think I do this for the street urchins, the bonds forged via Lil Bit and Kendall years ago. Yet, mayhaps I have deluded myself. They might fare better at High Spires, Stardreamer Manor or the other safe havens which have sprung up over the years.

Mayhaps all I really am is just another pretty face who is meant only to be shown off on someone's arm. Mayhaps I should have taken up the offer of (thenew, younger) Prince of Madin'at Al-Yasmen and stayed.

All I know is I cannot think clearly anymore and before I make any rash decisions, I need to resolve these nightmares which I suspect are much more than that. I may have to call in some favors from some who inhabit darker realms. I am not sure if I am ready to pay the price.

~E

RhyDin The Ruins of Asheby Manor Friday, the 31st of August (2018); Before Dusk

Sometimes I come here in hopes of finding peace or at least answers. Unfortunately, I seem to find neither. Immersing myself in my work is how I survive. I want to thrive, not simply survive.

The nightmares are worsening and at times it is as if they infiltrate my life even when I am awake.

And the loneliness"

Sure, I could find someone to share my bed, but that is not what I want. And it is definitely not what I need. That much I do know.

When will our duties be fulfilled"

When will we get to live our lives freely"

When will I get another "tender mercy" — falling asleep in his strong embrace, listening to the lullaby of his heartbeat, safe temporarily from the nightmares that taunt me"

Have I not yet served enough penance?

I will stay strong. I will not give up.

I promised...

~E

~Love is power, love is a smile Love reaches out, love is the remedy Love is the answer, love's an open door Love is the only thing worth fighting for...~

RhyDin The Workroom at ~Heart Notes~ Sunday, the 28th of October (2018); Early Evening

Hardly a day passes where I do not question my purpose. However, as of late, I am beginning to question my relevance as well. Another busy season starts anew and in a few months my parfumerie will have been in business for a decade. I have a job I love, many friends too. Yet I continue to feel a gaping emptiness which threatens to swallow me whole.

RhyDin is different, but the same. I have watched it grow from its rather humble beginnings to a sprawling city with an even greater variety of denizens— many of whom have been born here. I knew technology would grow here and yet, I still find myself slightly surprised at the plethora of cars, motorcycles, computers and cell phones. My natural (and virtually insatiable) curiosity have me exploring venues and attending events I normally would not.

I just do not feel as if I belong. I am on the outside looking in.

What good do I do'

~E