It's been a while since I've written anything. So long in fact, that I've had to find a new book to write in. Totally didn't steal it this time. Okay, I might've stolen it. Anyways" I don't know where to start.

Everything has changed.

http://www.todaysparent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/FFN_Faris_Anna_VIJ_082513_51189477-1.jpg Gerry came and went out of my life. As fast as our life together began, it was over. I hated him for leaving me. Then I found out that he sacrificed what we had to save our kid.

Jameson told me that, told me exactly what he did to Gerry right before I killed him. Sometimes I tell myself that it was self-defense, and that it was him or me. Which it was" But I'm a bottom line kind of person"and the bottom line is, I went there with every intention of killing him had I found out he did anything to Gerry or Nasya. I'd do it again. And again.

Somebody needed to do it.

Since Gerry has gone, I've started a new chapter in my life. I needed change. A change that no amount of hair dye or new clothes could truly bring.

So I guess I'm not gonna date this somebitch until I actually get into what the hell is going on in my new life. There's a lot to write and my hand is already cramping. I'm running out of room on this page anyways. If you're reading this" Well, first of all, you're not supposed to be! Secondly"

I guess just be prepared for a lot of sarcastic negativity and vulgarity. That's pretty much what I'm made of?

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/1c/39/05/1c39056a3d6b06c70bc203bc63a13bab.jpg Dorian.

I met him in the marketplace after pissing someone off for something or another. He spent thousands cleaning up my mess, and he didn't even know me. It was amazing, how fast we'd become friends. Hell, I let him give me a makeover if that says anything.

He's a night eater. Which is"from what I understand"an overpowered vampire from an awful place that Snake is from. They're supposed to be super badass, but he's just a teddy bear. He likes to cuddle, and cook. I have my own bedroom in his house, which is bigger than any place I've ever lived. I'm living there now with Snake.

Nobody can do make up better than him.

He listens to me. He cares about me" Love used to terrify me, the idea of anyone saying those words to me" Which is probably why I like being around Snake so much' Dorian loves me, though. Not in a weird mushy way, but it's some form of love, and it feels?

Warm.

I love him, too.

09/4/16

His words are burned into my brain.

Have you ever gotten so drunk that you don't remember saying something, and then it comes back to you later" Who am I kidding" You're a book filled with blank pages" Of course you have. Everyone has. I told Snake I loved him. The forbidden sentence. The three words I was never allowed to say, because they were the difference between life and death"literally. Something inside his brain snaps when he hears them, and he blacks out and commits murder. He told me never to say them to him, and up until Boozefest, I'd obeyed. I didn't mean to say them.

I'm alive.

I didn't want to bring it up to him, but something inside me was itching to know exactly why I am still breathing. Not that I'm complaining" I mean, who in their right mind would complain about having more time to slowly kill themselves with their vices" Certainly not I.

So, I asked him"or I brought it up, anyways. It's probably one of the hardest conversations of my life. He told me that it must've been fixed when he came back to life" He told me he didn't know what love felt like. I'm glad he didn't lie to me, I am. How could I be? I won't lie though' It hurt. Like getting kicked in the vagoo and punched in the chest at the same time. Can't breathe, nothing to do but shut down. I tried, I really did to just forget about it, laugh it off and tell him not to worry, but he didn't let me. And I think even if I make it to the point where I'm a wrinkly little old lady with a dying brain, I won't ever forget what he said next.

Totally gonna write it down though, just in case.

"I don't know what it feels like, but I think the closest I got was Shino. It tore me up and fucked me up when I put a bullet between her eyes, but' Even the idea of losing you makes it so I can't breathe. The thought of you being with someone else makes me want to level a whole block. And I'm not interested in anyone else. You're the only one I'd even consider being with in this way. I don't commit, I don't cuddle, I don't hold hands, I don't have these damn conversations" But I'd have them over and over with you. I don't know what that means, but it's the best I got. You're the biggest pain in my ass, but I think it'd kill me if that changed."

Needless to say, I cried like a neglected baby.

When I finally stopped crying, I told him how I felt"and it wasn't nearly as beautiful. I said those three words that were on the table. Told him I wanted him around always. Then he blew my mind again.

"Enough to marry me again?"

Needless to say, I'm engaged. I said yes. Well" I think it was more like, "Yeah, you fucking idiot!" but...it counts!

I've never been engaged before. That sounds crazy, right' I've been married twice. Once to Gerry, and then to him' Both of them were spur of the moment, though. I've never had a real wedding, or anything like that. Gerry and I just got drunk and decided it was a good idea. Zver and I? Ha! It was more me trying to get under his, or my own freaky Friday skin. Once he died and came back with his original identity, I became a widow. Point is, I've never been proposed to'

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/37/84/fc/3784fc006e17e28add233a4ee371fd55.jpg

I was so sure that Gerry was my soulmate. Turns out, he was just my first love. I don't know why life throws as many curveballs, and sends you through as many loops as they do, but' I'm glad.

I don't know if I believe in that whole soulmate thing anymore....(He'd probably make fun of me if he found out I did to begin with.) All I really do know, is that Zver makes me so mad I want to rip out his curls. He makes me so happy, I feel more than human. Nobody has ever made me laugh this much. He plucked me up from the absolute lowest point in my life, and never once has he judged me. Even when he was a demon and I was this weak, and broken down human' We looked out for one another, and surprised each other. I don't think anyone has made me feel quite on the level that he does.

So' Yeah' Not sure if I believe in soulmates, but I know this.

I am exactly where I want to be.

(Also I hate myself a little bit for how god damn corny I sound.)