Topic: Crystal Tears

Crystal · Date: 2008-12-04 01:03 EST

What am I doing wrong" I thought I had friends only to have been invisible. I tried, I really did.

The talk had begun with body piercings. I trying joining in the discussion, but I don't think anyone really cared to to hear my thoughts. Then again, what do I know" I only have my ears pierced.

Then my cousin arrived. He's affection was welcomed....For however brief that was. He is enamored of his Cole and me....I have the attentions of a man I barely know.

What in the world am I doing" I have know this man, Lyov, less than a week and I am fawning over him. I was never like this. Why am I so needy and willing to place my trust in a man I barely know" I do not even see him every day and still I long to be in his arms.

I crave the attention and I am pathetic. Still I am drawn to him and he has been most attentive and kind. I soak up the affection like a sponge. I want to end my isolation. I want to feel worthwhile once again.

Duty is not enough, but it is the only thing that has sustained me since Beninqua was taken from me.

I am hopeless.

Crystal · Date: 2008-12-06 12:01 EST

The past few days have been a roller coaster. From Tara shoving me literally aside at a perceived invitation from Mishka to the rose petals scattered about my rented rooms. I don't know what is right anymore.

Am I angry for the shove? Yes....but then I shouldn't expect any less apparently. What did I do other than accepting an invitation to cuddle when she wanted both men to herself. The looks were telling.

The rented rooms were my way of seeking privacy for myself and still being close to the house. I am cognizant of my duty, but it is time for me to step outside of it and find my own identity.

The roses were from him. Rose petals of all types of colors covered nearly every surface in my rooms. It was so sweet a gesture. Cole thought it very romantic and I certainly agree with that estimation.

Crystal · Date: 2008-12-11 07:46 EST

....I love him ...

And nothing could be harder with the absences. I needed him last night and he wasn't there. I had no choice but to take a room at the inn away from the security and the wards.

I had no choice. The Pantherghast took that away from me. I couldn't let it hurt Azahr and Cole. The blasted thing was attuned to our people. It turned from Azahr and focused on me. And only I and one other could harm it...

And Harm it I did. I hate drawing on the darker aspect of my power. It leaves me so drained after one spell. 3 in rapid succession' I could barely heal myself....Never mind returning home.

I did not even think of using my pin. Tells you how out of it I was.

Still I ....wanted him to be there and hold me. His work keeps him away for varying lengths of time.

And still I wait...

Crystal · Date: 2008-12-11 13:01 EST

Fear is not something I enjoy experiencing"

On the last page I described loving someone and needing them. The love of a woman for a man.Yet a different type of love drove me to act yesterday.

I love Cole and Azahr as surely as anything I know. They are my family even though there is no blood between us. I could not let that creature hurt them. I could not let that creature take Azahr like the wars took Beninqua. I had promised Ben I would look out for his brother, but that promise did not move me to act.

My heart did"

I love Azahr more as a brother, than the cousin we say we are. Had the joining been allowed to take its course, he would have been my brother. I know Cerise feels the same way.

In the short time I've known him, I think of Cole in the same light. He was my comfort last night. Something as simple as a touch, made me feel so much better. That he let me take such a liberty was wonderful.

Yet I feel as though I am coming between him and Azahr. I don't want to do that. I don't want him to feel as though she has to exclude himself from our conversations or distance himself. I wish there was a way to tell him this. He makes Azahr so happy and last night I could see his worry when the pantherghast had targeted Azahr.

In all this, I cannot forget Ivy. With her, I have a female friend that I can be young with. I had to grow up so fast with the wars and such. Can you believe we spoke about make-up and I am considering such?

These are the people I hold close to my heart. I may not make it with Lyov, but these three will always be part of my life.

Crystal · Date: 2008-12-19 20:13 EST

((Rewrite in progress.))