She just blinked a few times, nodded, and put her glasses back on, taking her pen back up. I know. Clipped words, yet quiet.

Lips were pressed together, an attempt to continue to suppress what she felt, but gods, you open the floodgate... Do you.. do you think it will make you feel any better? Did it make you feel better before when you went from one man to another and.. gods.. do you learn from your mistakes? Lydia's brows furrowed considerably. Frustration for herself for letting things spill out she wasn't entirely aware of, frustrations at Erin for doing the things she had done. You do these things I try to understand. Her hands shot up in a defeated gesture. But I don't. I never have. You just.. you do these things that hurt yourself.. that hurt others and.. do you care? Because sometimes I.. I mean.. why are you doing this now? You couldn't end things with Sebastian, why start something else.. and.. Words failed her at this point, ceasing almost abruptly.

I don't want to start anything else, Lydia. I am not cut out for this relationship shit. I'm not you. Or.. or Des or Wyh or any of the other women that run around here loving and being loves in some perfect miracle. I make people hate me. I run it all into the ground just by being myself. I was happier kissing random people and having stupid crushes than I have ever been in a relationship. I keep telling you I destroy everything I touch and you fight it and fight it and then throw it back at me like I had no idea!

Any relationship I have ever had, I have destroyed. Save this one. And I'm sure it's a matter of time.

You are not going to destroy this relationship! Lydia's words a little heated. Unless you want to? Unless you continue to treat it so.. Finally, a bit of control, words contained again. I am.. I am not throwing it in your face, but sometimes I just don't think you really are aware of the things you do. Or how it affects other people.. She bit her lower lip suddenly, rather hard, before she spoke again. And no relationship is perfect.. gods know mine to Grem isn't. But.. how old are you.. twenty? You're young, it's.. it's not likely to.. I dunno, you don't have to be in a relationship. You don't.. No one does, yet you threw yourself into one with Sebastian. You married him. That's a commitment.. one you both weren't read for yeah, but.. you're still married to him and.. I just can't understand you. She shook her head. You do more than laugh and flirt and kiss people Erin.. you get drunk and stumble around with them in alleys.. you hang around dangerous people.. You endanger yourself and you dno't seem to care.

I didn't want to marry Sebastian! That was the whole damned point. Erin pulled her glasses off to press on her eyes. It was the point in the first place! She was calming her breathing because she was on the verge of something or other. She just let it come and go for the moment at least. I do. I do endanger myself. You're right. I don't care. But what I do is just as irresponsible as your walking through WestEnd alone. We all do our own stupid things for our own stupid pride.

And I wasn't even that drunk.

Saying now that you didn't want to marry him *then* doesn't negate the fact that you did. It doens't negate the fact that a week ago you were so miserable over him.. cryin and talking of how much you loved him.. and now that's just.. it's like it never even happened. It's still happening, yet you pretend it's not there, you just find another man and.. Lydia shook her head, clenching her teeth. My walking through WestEnd sober, and being fully capable of defending myself is hardly the same as the things you do. And to say you don't care? Gods.. do you know what that does to people? If something happened to you.. do you not think of others??

Of course I love him. She was clearly not getting her point across and started working on her bottom lip. I love him and he tears me apart, and I just.. I don't know, I want to forget it, replace it.. feel anything but this terrible empty hole in me. I'd rather someone kill me than I-- Another thought she shouldn't finish and she shook her head, running a hand through her hair. I do think of others. If I didn't, I would have given up a long time ago, Lydia. If not for you, I would have never come back after.. or made it through.. or.. don't accuse me of not caring about you.

Lydia sighed, straightening a bit as her gaze returned to the desk. I'm not saying you don't.. but.. the way you act sometimes.. and you love him, but.. I'm not even saying you should... You just do these things.. it infuriates me. I try to understand, but you just don't care enough to... Tears started to pool in her eyes, so much frustration and anger, still on the edge, just about to teeter off the edge. Gods, I just tire of worrying that I'm going to lose you someday! That you'll turn up dead because you didn't care enough about yourself or anyone else and you just.. because of your own foolish behavior! If you know you do it why do you do it!?