On the Nature of Autonomy
Inside Beloved Bindings

(( These are retrospective bits taken from Renne's actual journal documenting his thoughts before and during the evaluations by his court-appointed psychologist. Intended to provide clearer insight into Renne's current thinking patterns and take place before/during "On the Nature of Autonomy", "Through a Glass Eye" and "Dreams on the Wall I and II".. ))

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Low-Dusk Darkened Sun

August 1st, 2007


I am not at Home.

I am in another place, what Humans call a Holding House. I know what it is. It is a prison.
I know why I am here and yet I do not know why I am here.

Sir came to me. But he disappeared again. I think he has become a ghost and has not learned it yet.
It's what ghosts do. They come to you and then disappear forever.
He told me that I did awful things. Things I do not remember doing.

Part of me wishes to believe he told an untruth. But I cannot, for the voids in my mind are wide and they are many. What if he is right?

If he is right, then I am certainly a monster. And I would then need to be caged.

Still. Home will always be Home to me. How can it not? So much time there. So many memories.
I do not know if I could find another to call Home. I do not think so. I have tried many times before in R'hyDin and beyond.
No place but Home has been Home.

So I watched over Home until I came here.
If I ever get out, I will watch over Home again.

It's what I know to do.

I will watch over Home and 'Nathan. She has become Family like Sir and 'Chee and Cinder and Vicfryn and Sarah.
The love is a little different from that. But just as strong. And I will not forsake any of them.

Forsaking Family is as evil a sin as betrayal. And I will not do it.

I only hope I can understand the voids. And be rid of the Hunter. What if he comes out and chases the ones I call Family? I cannot bear such a thought.

Sir may say it is not my job. But I do not think he will understand my thought patterns. He might. But few Humans or Humanoids can. The thought patterns of my People are very strict.
They demand discipline, a high guard and beyond that, the ability to keep one's loyalties until a great betrayal is committed.

"For as Loyalty is as precious a gift as Trust and Life, guard it well but when earned, let its flame burn fervently and without end."

The ancient laws set this forth after the Cataclysm wars. They were right to do so.
And it is one law that I follow with everything I have.

Ah, I wish to be Home.

I cannot be there. Not yet. I must try to remember the bright times. It is all I have here. It must last me.

-R

Closer Examinations

August 28th, 2007


The Hunter will not leave me alone. No thought will.

I suppose I must complete another Analysis and soon. The first one made progress but it released dark things. It released her.
And I have as much hate for her as Sir and 'Chee both do. I listened to it all happen.
I could do nothing about it. I was useless.

I think that is part of why I hate her. And why the Hunter says what he says.

It is more than that, I know. Much more.

She is part of the Hunter but not the whole. The Hunter is more than her. He is her, Sir, 'Chee, the McGraths. Even Ainnle. Why he disappeared, I will never know but probably for the reason most humans disappear.
They can't handle Rhy'Din.

Humans.

The Hunter is a human. He is many humans. He's not all human though. He smells of more than salt, thunder-maker powder, coffee, bone, blood and the earths of many lands beyond Rhy'Din. He tells me things I have known for a long, long time.
And he tells me new things but says them in such a way that makes me think about them differently.
Some things, I do not wish soiled by the Hunter.

The magical time at Home with cider and Saint Nick.
I want that to remain pure.
And I wish to give to Sir and 'Chee and 'Nathan, Vicfryn, Sarah, Cinder, Rena, Merit....all my Family that same feeling I got.
I wish to give them a Christmas.
I wish to be useful to them.
Not just someone to laugh with.
Not someone to simply fill in and cast out again.

The Hunter is polluting my thoughts again.
I must put my thought-book down for now.

I shall Analyse again.

-R

Burning the Sunset Oil

September 13th, 2007



My candle should not be here.

It should be at Home where I put it. It should be up in my window where it belongs.

Home is my Home too!

I must understand this. The Hunter kept laughing at me. He filled my mind with evil things and evil words. He said that Home is dead and gone! He said that Ghost-Sir and Ghost-'Chee are Betrayers. He said more evil things that I shall not speak out loud.

My mind was clean before the Hunter.
I was in much pain. But I was clean. I did not have evil thoughts.

I was stronger.

What am I now? I do not know.
Ghost-Sir told me I did evil things. But I do not have memory of these evil things. All I know is that the Hunter is here with me.
Was it the Hunter that did the evil things? I do not know.

I must understand this. And if I did do the evil things, I must find out why. I must find out what I should do.

I must understand so much. I wish the twins were here. Perhaps they could explain. Or -- No.

I must not speak his name now. I cannot. He would be angry with me. I think Ghost-Sir and Ghost'Chee are already.
I wish I could find them again.

Humans. Why must you be so confusing? You are alone and yet some Humans are at One. I do not understand.
I must try. I must try to understand and prove the Hunter wrong.
I must make the Hunter go away.

All I want is my Family back. And whole. And strong.

I think I shall try to speak to Saint Nick again. He is supposed to hear all beings. I know it is not the Christmas yet but I shall try. Most of my wish is for my Family.

I must soon Analyse again. I must understand.

-R

Ashes

September 14th, 2007

I cannot seem to put down my thought-book or my candle. I keep both safely away from each other so I may keep my candle lit without turning my thought-book into ashes.

Ashes...

I have encountered too many ashes.

First, my People. Then, the pyre Silver placed me on when the Time of Change came and he thought me gone-and-not-coming-back.
I was a fool then. I held on to laws that held only in my world. And my world was gone.
Then, so many others.

I cannot say them all.

But there are so many ashes.

I will not create more.

-R

Quiet Scythes

September 18th, 2007 - dawn

I must try to Analyse again. The mind-healer asked those fear-making questions. And there is much I must understand.

She asked me if I wished to have my existence to cease.

It made fear. It made me think.

I wished the ceasing-to-exist once but it was long ago. It was when the Bond was broken. I felt it and the pain was too much to face.
It brought pain to even think His name. It took me a long time to make those feelings go away.
Now, I think though.

Did I truly make them go away?

But, I must understand one thing at a time. First, my candle. Then, my strange thoughts at her questions. Then, how to be rid of the Hunter.

And then, I must understand this thing that is both old and new. I ask myself now and do not know the answer.
Do I?

-R

Finding Utopia

September 29, 2007

One of my messages was found.

I am honestly, surprised -- I did not think they would be found. Still, one was and for this, I am glad.
It was understood, I think. At least part of it was understood and better a part than nothing at all.

I only wish I could have followed Cinder right then and there but I could not risk it. Not if it meant the possibility of one that I have care for meeting harm. He said he knows the way back to the House of Holding.
When I am able without the risk of Humans interfering, I shall go back. When I am able, without fearing for life, I shall go back.

I do not only fear for my own -- I have faced fear of this before and overcome it.

I am however, confused in my thinking. I must do as Cinder asks me and find out how to destroy the Hunter. I must destroy the Hunter, then I must find out if I did the evil things. And if I did, I must seek penance, somehow.
And then I must rebuild what was fallen.

Cinder said it is safe. He has yet to tell an untruth to me.
I must keep that at heart for now. I have no way of finding it out for myself and I do not think ghosts seek the living.

It is no wonder people have fear for ghosts.

Still, I must keep to my goals. I shall speak when my mind is bearing less fog.

-R