Heart Notes

The words they often escaped her or were withheld from being spoken when she most needed them. She had learned to write before coming to Rhydin, thus when Taneth was not able to express herself verbally then she often went home to write what was in her heart. She would then fold and tuck each letter away into a wooden box that she had bedazzled with items picked up from the market. She often would leave little reminders of those she loves as well in her box. Eventually one box became two then two became three and so on. No one has or ever will see these hidden away boxes until the time that she is no more.


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Dearest Scottie,

When you wrap me in your ribbons it reminds me of a time when everything was so simple and I felt so free to simply just be me. Your ribbons warm and comfort me. I love your ribbons, almost as much as I love you. Thank you for allowing me to take as many as I have.

I will always remember the night you took me flying. I loved every moment and our time in the sky, touching the clouds and stars is cherished so deeply in my heart. I always knew you were beautiful, but I never knew just how much until I truly saw you.

I know you say we are family and you are my brother, but there are times I still do not believe such a thing is true. It breaks my heart to still have that feeling in my heart but I cannot seem to remove it. Perhaps it is the darkness inside of me that still causes the pain of believing in the untruth of such a notion. I try to cling to the idea of us as a family. I desperately try, but when the dark comes and I am alone I do not feel as if I have any family at all. All I feel is the cold truth of my loneliness.

Have you ever felt lonely, Scottie? Have you ever felt so consumed by it that all you want to do is simply not exist so that pain goes away? You might not have because you have Sid, Princess, Hawk, Benji, Lirenel, and everyone who loves you so. You even have me.

I know your crow watches me. I know she is there even when I do not see her. I do not let her see enough to be able to tell you anything. Sometimes it makes me smile a little knowing she would fly to you if I needed you, but I will not let her call to you. I will not make you come to me because everything will be good and happy.

Sometimes I wish I had a blanket of ribbons, just like your coat. Something to help make me feel stronger. Something to help me want to continue on when I do not feel like I can. One day, Scottie, I will make you proud of me like a real family is supposed to be. One day, maybe, we will fly again and touch the clouds and stars.

Forever and always, Taneth


Using some of Scottie's ribbons Taneth had made a ribbon flower, which she pinned to the folds of the letter.

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www.fangkuang.com/upload/images/201304/20/01/4ud4ltic5_58_50

Dear Sally,

I will not rip out your tongue and give it to the wolves. Sugar Butts said you would not tell anyone and you had been with him. But how did people know I was sad and lonely? How did they know, Sally? You asked first.

Unless?..do you think Sugar would be untrue to me, Sally? Would he not tell me to save you? He might be untrue to me to save you because he loves you. I know he loves you.

Sometimes, Sally, I wish someone would love me too. Love me enough to want to stay. To hold my hand. To run with me. To play in the water. To cook and eat. To simply enjoy our time together. Just like maybe you and Sugar do.

No one ever stays, Sally. No one ever loves me like that because I am different. I will always be different. I am glad, however, that you have Sugar to love you. Even if he is a bit buttsy.

I will not be mad at you anymore, Sally. Gren might like that. I wanted to slice Gren open with my sword when I was mad at you. But I love you, Sally. You are my friend. I know you do not growl at me like you do everyone else. I do not know why you growl at other people. Maybe it is that your boy pants look too tight sometimes and it hurts your boy parts. Too tight boy pants are not good for boy parts, Sally. Remember this.

Thank you for finally letting me see your home. I really love it and I am glad we were able to make plant babies together. I found this petal from one of my meat eating flowers. I think she spit out her tongue in favor of a new one because she had a new color for her flower tongue. It always had blood on it because she is such a big eater. Piggy.

Forever and always, Taneth.

Inside the folds of the letter is a flower tongue sans blood.
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upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a9/Banana_Musa_Flower_Petal_2400px

Dear Glory,

When you are here, I will have you meet Benji. He is an actor. Do you know what an actor means? An actor is someone who pretends to be someone else then people watch him do this in something called a movie. Benji pretends to be this man named Sterling. Sterling is much meaner than Benji and they look nothing alike. I do not understand it all, but he likes his work. Sometimes Benji lets me come watch him pretend to be Sterling. Maybe I will be able to take you one day. You would like it, I think. You were always so curious about other people and places like me.

I do hope you can meet Benji. He will help take care of you. His spirit is kind and gentle, though I know he has fierceness within him that I am proud of. I want him to be proud of me. Just like your mother said she was proud of me when I was learning and growing. I miss your mother. She was the first person to show me true kindness when I was lost. She was the reason I was there at all. Your mother had the kindest heart. I know she is proud of you.

Your mother still watches over me. Sometimes I lay in the garden and one of the flowers droops over into my face and I know she is smacking my nose and trying to make me smile. She worries about you, but she knows I will let nothing hurt you. She knows if I must entrust your care to another that I will choose wisely. I will choose Benji to watch over if I am absent. I will also choose Scottie.

I know you do not know who Scottie is, but he is also another I trust. He has so many ribbons. They are glorious. I will have to show you Scottie?s ribbons. You will love the colors. I think, though, Benji will be the first you meet. I think Benji will need you as much as you will need him during the moons and suns. You both will be good for each other.

Stay strong and beautiful.

Forever and always, Taneth

Dear Crissy,

Do you know the first you ever gave me was one of the best hugs? I had felt so safe with you and you had held me for so long. It lifted a heart that was feeling so empty of care and love. It buoyed me in a way that I needed so badly. Thank you.

I will not tell you I love you. I know that would make you mad at me and I do not want you to be mad at me. I know it would make your sweetheart mad at me too and I know you care about her so much. I am happy you have a sweetheart because they can be so wonderful.

Thank you for having tea with me as often as you do. I know I surprise you and make you feel strange with my behaviors. One day you will understand, maybe. I know I have asked much of you and I am grateful for all the kindness you have shown me.

I want to you be safe and strong. You need to be safe and strong. Not just for me, but for you and your sweetheart. Take care with your life. And smile more. Smiling is good for the spirit. Smiling wards off the bad feelings.

I would say my smiling wards them off, but the smiles must be real and mine are not always real. I feel more of the bad feelings overtaking me. I may not be strong enough to keep them away for much longer, but I am trying. I have to finish some promises I have made long ago then I may simply let the last vestiges of my strength ebb away into Misty Forest and Little Cottage to keep them both safe. If this happens, I will ask for you to help keep Glory safe. I will ask Benji too, but I know you will help because she is precious to me. I will ask this of you as I have asked you of other things. I know it is not fair of me to depend on you so, but you may not let fear or love stop you from doing what you must.

I still have strength and love in me, though, so I am not worried yet. I will keep on moving and keep on with my plans before I let go of anything. You and I have much to live for and we must live on. Maybe I will make you some special tea, just for you.

Forever and always, Taneth

Tucked away in the folds of the letter are dried tea leaves that smell faintly of a citrus lavender sage blend.
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expandingleaves.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/img_5491

Dear Glory,

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if there was still a home? Do you think we would have been better there? Safer? No one to ever bother any of us. Your mother and father to hold you and keep you safe. I am sure they would have done a better job than I am now. I miss your mother. She was special.

I hope I have done the right thing by keeping you where I have. Soon, though, you will be with Benji for a little while. I think his kind love will be good for you. It has been good for me. You can watch him act on his movie cube, though, do not tell him that you think it is strange to pretend to be someone else. He might cry.

One day I hope you can be happier than I ever have been. I hope you can have the love like your mother had. The love of someone so dear to her heart that nothing would stop them from being together. I do not want you to have a life like mine. The same shining sun and the same bright moon, but always alone. I never want you to be alone. You deserve to always have someone near to you and near to your heart. I will always be with you, but friends are different than loves. I know that and I want you to know that. You need love. A love that will never leave you, a love that will cherish every part of you, a love that will celebrate you, and a love that will make you strong when you feel weak.

Weakness is not bad. Your mother used to say that to me, but I know I am growing weaker against what I do not want to be. Every moment I feel I am losing more and more of myself to this darkness clouding me. Soon I may have no strength left and maybe I will be released from this hurt heart that I feel I have. I can love so many and I know I have some that love me, even like me, but why does it feel like I have none? Why does it feel like I will always be on my own? Why does it feel like there will be no memory of me if I ever do go? I used to hear your mother say that her mother?s greatest worry was that she would be forgotten when she was gone, but she was not forgotten at her end. She was celebrated and lifted to the sky above. Do you think I will be celebrated if I am ever gone? Do you think the shining sun will bring me to him so I will always have someone near?

I miss the good times. I miss the fun we used to have. I remember teaching you to climb trees and jump from rocks as your mother had wanted me to do. I remember when you first learned to swim. You were so glorious. You are still and will always be glorious.

Do not worry for me. I know I am not myself and this sadness will go away some day. I just hope it goes away before I see you again.

Be happy and find love.

Forever and always, Taneth

Dearest Benji,

I have been lying to you. I have been dishonest. I have been false. I have been horrible to you. I have not been a good friend.

I am sorry. It pains me to be dishonest. I told you that I trusted you. I told you that I love you. I told you that you will be my friend and in my heart for forever. Those words were not lies. They were truths from the deepest parts of me, but it does not change that I have been keeping other truths from you.

I know it worries you when you have found me cold and lying on the road with my body not moving and I am barely able to respond with words. I know you want to cry from worry and want to do all that you can to fix me. I know afterwards I have seemed like I did not know what happened and where I was, but I was lying to you. I knew and I remembered, but I did not want you to know because you will ask more questions. You will ask questions I am not ready to answer and I am not certain I have all the answers to satisfy you.

Sometimes you think I am sleeping when I stay at your home or are at the inn. You believe I am not listening because my eyes are closed, but I am pretending to sleep much of those times. I have to pretend to sleep otherwise you will see how tired I am. I am exhausted. I am weary.

You have asked me if I am going to be going into a great sleep and I do not know what to tell you. It is possible I will go to ground. It is possible I will simply lay my head down somewhere to sleep and never wake up. It is possible my body will never move again. It is possible that my broken heart will never heal and I will forever be nothing. I do not what will happen. I do not know what will come of what is happening.

I do know you are helping me. I am fulfilling a promise I made long ago before Rhydin and you are helping me to do that. You are helping to put my mind, heart, and body at ease. You bring me a comfort that I cherish completely and if I were to sleep forever then I will have a peace within me knowing that I was fortunate enough to be your friend, but I will have some discord because I do not think I have been friend enough for you.

I do not want to break your heart, but I fear I might. I know you have spoken the words of a lover before, but I do not think that could be a fate we shall have. I do not know if it will ruin the depth of our friendship, the depth of a trusting love because while I can love everyone and believe in most I do not know if I know how to share as freely as you do. I am free, but within the confines of what I have grown to learn. There are times that I can be so selfish and I want people all to myself. There are times I feel those pangs of just needing one person, just one, to say they love me best of all. There are times I just want to know that someone will think of me when no others will in a way that is special just for the two of us. Sometimes all I want to know is that someone just wants me.

I have often felt like I am but a very low second, third, fourth, or fifth to so many others. I know it may not be true, but sometimes a person just wants to the first. I do not fault you or dislike how you love freely. I think your love is a gift to all who are fortunate to have it and I am fortunate for the parts of your friendship and love I have received. I am fortunate for the time you have given me. I only hope I give back to you as much as you have given to me.

I know I have asked for you to care for something so precious to me and I know you will do the best. You and Scottie will keep what I have given you safe. I know Lirenel will help. If the time comes, I will trust you will do what is right. Just, no matter what happens, no matter how my breath goes simply believe that all will be all right and as it should be. That I will be taken care of because of the care you have shown me.

I love you. I will always love you. And if I go to sleep and never wake, if I stop walking the land or I simply stop being I will watch over you from wherever I am. And if you should happen to forget me then know that I will have at least went to sleep knowing that I had shared some small part of your heart and love and you have mine always.

Always and forever, Taneth

The paper seemed stained from water. Perhaps the writer of the letter had spilled tears during much of the writing.
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sr.photos2.fotosearch.com/bthumb/CSP/CSP786/k7860090

Dear Finner Hot Buns,

Did you know that the first time I ever met you that I thought you were cute? When we first met I thought you did not like me. You were Dair?s friend and when I would say hello you would not answer me. I had hoped you would not be one of the people who absolutely fought with me because I wanted us to be friends then one day we were.

I remember the first time we ever talked about your hot buns. You were so funny because your face got red. Then you called me Poppet and I liked that name. You also joked with me about giving Antonia names like Darling.

Then you and Antonia were smooching and I was very happy that two of my friends had found some happiness together. I admit now that I did not always want to be near to you and Antonia because it seemed like I was taking time from you two being together and so I stayed away here and there. I knew you both were my friends, but I know that some people just want to be on their own and smooching so I tried to give you two that time.

I am sorry you and Antonia are no longer together. I know it can be hurtful and I am sure my Darling is hurting too, but she will not show it like you do. She tries to hide how sweet she really is, but I know she has a soft heart and it probably hurt her as much as you.

I do understand the hurt you have felt. I know how it is to feel unwanted, discarded, or simply not good enough. I have felt it before and sometimes I still feel like I experience that heartache. To be ignored is awful. To be left or cast aside. It is so hard to overcome, but you will. You will be a stronger man from this experience and you will learn that you are good, that you are wanted, and that you are worthy.

You are worthy. Always remember that.

Forever and always, Taneth.


Hearts are drawn at the bottom of the page
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images2.layoutsparks.com/1/91783/heart-black-kids-drawing

Dear Eva and Mason,

I am so happy that you two have each other to love and make a life together. The love between you two is so wonderful and powerful. I wish that one day I might find that in my own life.

Back home I remember this family with a little girl. She was so beautiful and she had parents who loved her so. There were times I wished that I was a child and you were my parents. I know if I were your child I would have been one of the luckiest littlest girls ever. But I had never been a child and wishes do not always come true.

Take care of each and do well at the duels. You two will always be strong apart and stronger together. You do not know this but I have asked people to help me plan a surprise vacation for the two of you. I have bought a pretty dress for Eva and handsome man clothes for Mason. Then you both will have a nice place with sand and water. A little, beautiful hut so you can sleep and simply enjoy each other and your lives together away from the turmoil of the city.

Enjoy your time. Maybe one day we could pretend to at least be a family. I could be a little sister since I cannot be a child. Everyone needs to have family. Though, I know some family in Benji and Scottie, but it never hurts to have more. I love you both.

Forever and always, Taneth



Tucked into the letter is a seashell.
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cdn1.bigcommerce.com/server800/df80f/product_images/uploaded_images/scalloped-seashell

Dear Tass,

You were the first person to ever really act as if we were family in Rhydin. You tried to be my friend first then you tried to be my father. You were the comfort when I was so new and unsure of who I was and why I was here. You were there for me when parts of my life started to crumble and I felt the pangs of life in her heart. You held me so close and I had loved you so much.

I still love you. I will always love you as one of my greatest friends. I may not think of you as my father, but I know we will always be friends.

It hurts me to know you are away doing whatever work you are doing. It hurts me to not feel you near. It hurts to think that I could leave this world and you may never know or remember me.

I know I am not your world. I know you have so much more important people to care for. I know you have so much more important things to take care of in other worlds. Just do not forget me, please. I have this deep seeded fear that I will be forgotten and lost to haze of just another face.

I almost felt like how I used to be before my first heartache in Rhydin. I felt like that young girl who had so much hope, love, and belief in the good of everyone and everything. I did not feel like the broken shell of a person I am now. We hugged, we laughed, and we made merry for as long as I could before needing to depart. I almost felt like my heart was stronger than it ever had been. I did not want to leave you that night, but I knew all good things must end eventually.

I will always remember you. You will always be in my heart. You will always be such an important of me.

Always and forever, Taneth


Tucked away in the folds of the letter is a bracelet that seems handmade.
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cdn.earthporm.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/resin-flower-moss-bangles-bracelets-modern-flower-child-sarah-smith-28

To my First Love:

I remember the lines of your face, the kindness in your eyes, the warmth of your hugs, and the merriment of your laugh. I remember the fun we used to have. I remember the games we used to play. I remember the quiet moments when we could just sit and stare at the nature around. I remember what you were scared of. I remember when you were strong and brave.

And I remember the day you left and never came back.

I remember waiting for you and hoping that I would see you again. I remember wondering what I had done to make you leave. I remember that was when I first started to doubt myself and it felt like a knife had been stabbed into my heart. As each day passed, the knife just twisted deeper into my heart.

You did not just break my heart. You wounded it so deeply that my heart never healed. I was left with the first seedling of mistrust.

You left me. You were not there when I needed someone the most. You were not there when I was weak and hurting. You were not there when I felt so alone. All the promises made were broken.

I hated you for that. I hated remembering all our moments together. I hated knowing that I had thought I was loved and loved someone different than anyone else. I hated feeling foolish because of many words and little action.

I was nothing to you. I am nothing to you. And I have outgrown you and the silly, childish love I thought we had.

We were nothing. We had been nothing. We had been children playing a childish game.

You are nothing to me. Any memory of you is better to be forgotten when I leave this world behind to grow again. Though, I know deep in my heart I will never truly forget because the hurt and anger I have felt for you will always leave a tiny dark spot within me. That bit of darkness will remind me that love is a folly I may never be able to have and perhaps am better left without.

I have come to realize in my final days that there must be a reason I have not found the love that others have found.

One cannot love a damaged heart. One cannot love someone who does not love one?s self. One cannot love someone who cannot trust another with the parts that are most special.

I have been damaged by you. I have been afraid to let others see my true self because it has been easier to simply let people see the simple side. The side they want to see and protect rather than what I could be. I will love others in the way that suits them best. As a friend, as a sister, and as a pretend child. That is all I will ever be to anyone. That is all that is wanted of me.

I tried once to let someone see all the parts of me. I tried once to love again. I tried once to be something other than what they wanted me to be. I should have known better because all that was left was a further damaged heart.

If I ever return, I will have to remember that love. True love. A deep love. A love more than just friends or family is not real. That kind of love is a game in the life of one such as I. Perhaps for those fortunate enough to experience it and have it last then they are lucky and I hope they never find out the true falsity of love.

Perhaps, if I come back, I will no longer be Love. Perhaps I will simply pretend.
Just never come back. You are nothing. You have nothing here for you.

Taneth

Inside the folds of the letter is a silver ring.
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