Dear Andrea,
I realize handwriting a letter is completely old fashioned and not at all cool but some things are far too personal to be said in a text.
I'm not good at all of this relationship stuff and I am pretty sure I told you this would probably happen-- that night we were talking in the Arena about the way my relationship with Jonothon ended. I tried to break things off with you then, to spare you what I knew was coming. I'm not excusing my behavior, rather just explaining that I understand and have always understood how horrible I am to be with.
I should have been stronger and stuck with my decision to end things. For your sake, I should have tried harder but I couldn't. You were, you are, special and I was too selfish to let you go. All I can say now is that I am sorry, sincerely sorry, for putting you through so much. I should have tried harder. So much hardship could have been prevented if I had.
I am letting go now though, Andrea; I have no other choice. I have been gone for so long, and I won't be coming back anytime soon. I have been in contact with Jack again and he has a job for me. It seems like the only time I can escape from this mental hell is when I am working, so I'm going to take the job. I have to survive. I'm not sure why I should even try to except that it is something I have always done and probably the only thing I am really great at.
I care for you too much to continue keeping you at arm's length emotionally. I've been unfair and I recognize that. You deserve so much more than what I can offer you. You deserve someone that can really love you in return that doesn't carry this emotional baggage that prevents any real intimacy. You deserve love, the kind of love that you have dreamed of your entire life. You have the most amazing heart and I cannot sit by and allow you to waste it on someone like me any longer. You are young, you need to be free to enjoy your life and experience everything out there. You could have the world by the tail, Andrea, you just lack the confidence to recognize that. My hope for you is that you do finally recognize that fact and then finally live your life with zeal. Anything less is unacceptable.
I don't know when, or even if, I will be back to RhyDin so you can contact Hank to pick up my things from your manor, keep what you want and give him the rest. You have a key to my loft so you can take whatever you wish without feeling rushed and then just give him the key when you have what you want. He is taking care of everything while I am gone and will assist you in any way that you require. He will be available to you indefinitely.
Your kidnapping last summer opened my eyes to just how wrong I was to try to have a normal relationship with you. I put you in danger and you suffered in ways that no one should ever have to. There has not been a single day that has gone by that I haven't thought of your suffering and my blame. I can't keep putting you in danger and I am hopeful that any repercussions from my lifestyle won't effect you now. However, should you ever find yourself in a position that requires someone with his skill set...Hank says you should call upon him. Where I am going, it will be radio silence and there will be no way to contact me but he will still be available to you. He will give me updates but if and when I can, I will check up on you myself. Unless you prefer that I don't. I would understand that, of course.
I cannot dictate how you should feel. I know this will hurt you but weighed against the pain you will suffer if we continue this path, I feel that this is the less painful way to go. I sincerely hope that you will feel more relief than hurt and realize that it is okay to live your life fully; that you won?t grieve the loss of someone that was never as good as you deserved. Find that someone, Andrea. Live your life with a lack of fear and a heart full of wonder for each adventure that befalls you. Know that I will be thinking of you and always cheering for your every success. You are an amazing woman and I hope you come to realize that-- what I have known from the first moment that we met.
With all of my heart,
~Isa?viel~
I realize handwriting a letter is completely old fashioned and not at all cool but some things are far too personal to be said in a text.
I'm not good at all of this relationship stuff and I am pretty sure I told you this would probably happen-- that night we were talking in the Arena about the way my relationship with Jonothon ended. I tried to break things off with you then, to spare you what I knew was coming. I'm not excusing my behavior, rather just explaining that I understand and have always understood how horrible I am to be with.
I should have been stronger and stuck with my decision to end things. For your sake, I should have tried harder but I couldn't. You were, you are, special and I was too selfish to let you go. All I can say now is that I am sorry, sincerely sorry, for putting you through so much. I should have tried harder. So much hardship could have been prevented if I had.
I am letting go now though, Andrea; I have no other choice. I have been gone for so long, and I won't be coming back anytime soon. I have been in contact with Jack again and he has a job for me. It seems like the only time I can escape from this mental hell is when I am working, so I'm going to take the job. I have to survive. I'm not sure why I should even try to except that it is something I have always done and probably the only thing I am really great at.
I care for you too much to continue keeping you at arm's length emotionally. I've been unfair and I recognize that. You deserve so much more than what I can offer you. You deserve someone that can really love you in return that doesn't carry this emotional baggage that prevents any real intimacy. You deserve love, the kind of love that you have dreamed of your entire life. You have the most amazing heart and I cannot sit by and allow you to waste it on someone like me any longer. You are young, you need to be free to enjoy your life and experience everything out there. You could have the world by the tail, Andrea, you just lack the confidence to recognize that. My hope for you is that you do finally recognize that fact and then finally live your life with zeal. Anything less is unacceptable.
I don't know when, or even if, I will be back to RhyDin so you can contact Hank to pick up my things from your manor, keep what you want and give him the rest. You have a key to my loft so you can take whatever you wish without feeling rushed and then just give him the key when you have what you want. He is taking care of everything while I am gone and will assist you in any way that you require. He will be available to you indefinitely.
Your kidnapping last summer opened my eyes to just how wrong I was to try to have a normal relationship with you. I put you in danger and you suffered in ways that no one should ever have to. There has not been a single day that has gone by that I haven't thought of your suffering and my blame. I can't keep putting you in danger and I am hopeful that any repercussions from my lifestyle won't effect you now. However, should you ever find yourself in a position that requires someone with his skill set...Hank says you should call upon him. Where I am going, it will be radio silence and there will be no way to contact me but he will still be available to you. He will give me updates but if and when I can, I will check up on you myself. Unless you prefer that I don't. I would understand that, of course.
I cannot dictate how you should feel. I know this will hurt you but weighed against the pain you will suffer if we continue this path, I feel that this is the less painful way to go. I sincerely hope that you will feel more relief than hurt and realize that it is okay to live your life fully; that you won?t grieve the loss of someone that was never as good as you deserved. Find that someone, Andrea. Live your life with a lack of fear and a heart full of wonder for each adventure that befalls you. Know that I will be thinking of you and always cheering for your every success. You are an amazing woman and I hope you come to realize that-- what I have known from the first moment that we met.
With all of my heart,
~Isa?viel~