(ooc note: there are going to be grammatical errors and disjointed thoughts galore as this thread is supposed to be the ramblings of a half crazed elf.)

Rayvinn eased herself onto her bed, crossing her legs Indian style and settling her newest purchase into her lap. Several breaths were taken and exhaled slowly, breathing through the persistent physical pain that wracked through her too-thin frame.

The soft leather cover of the journal was opened and she slid a finger over the rough parchment within. Having never been one to write out her feelings; preferring weapons and her own big mouth to convey her thoughts, she wasn't sure where to start. The pen was lifted with a softly trembling hand that was far more adept at wielding a sword.


November 6th

I'm back in RhyDin, staying in my old room at the Red Dragon. The furniture that Reap threw out the window when he was helping me move is gone. I kinda figured it would magically repair itself like the Inn does on a nearly daily basis. New bed is a lot better, however.

I wish there was some way to get my things back from Jono's house without him knowing I had been there. I can't face him yet. All of my clothes, jewelry, my shoes...he probably isn't dusting my poor shoes. My paintings are still in the attic. Probably best to leave most of them anyway since they will only remind me of him.

Why did I come back here? Why did I leave to begin with?

I have been called masochistic more times than I can count, but this is surely the worst of it. What did I think would happen when I got back? Did I think all of my memories would just vaporize and I would be at peace? There is no peace. Not for me. I fear that even if I finally took matters into my own hands and just f*cking died...there would still only be torment.

The voices of the dead fill my ears and their touch is the icy chill that creeps along my spine. How many have died for me...or because of me...or by my very hand? It doesn't matter if some of them deserved it. Who am I to play judge and executioner with another being's life? The cost of this endeavor has been too steep. I have left ruin in my wake once again and what did I gain? Certainly not peace.

Why did I come back here???

Rayvinn slammed the journal shut and tied the leather cord around it once. Knees were drawn painfully to her chest until her forehead could rest upon them; she sobbed until the candle finally burned out. Continuing to sit upon her bed in the pitch black of night, back pressed to the wall, she contemplated the price of the peace that just would not come to her.

http://collegelifestyles.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/LeatherJournal.jpg

A -very- paranoid elf had slipped up the stairs with both blades drawn, extending one around the corner of each intersecting hallway before turning...just in case. Raye finally reached her room and after three times of moving away from the door to check the hallway closest to her room, she finally unlocked the door and rushed in.

Rayvinn expected there to be an immediate assault to catch her off guard but these assassins were professionals. They would bide their time. A blade was poked under the bed and swept along the length of it; the entire time, she cast furtive glances over her shoulder to be sure no one had slipped through the open door behind her. The closet was checked next and after numerous slicing motions, a pair of jeans hanging within the dark confines were now dead but there were no other victims.

Convinced the room was cleared, the elf moved back out into the hallway and checked the closest intersecting hall once more before rushing into her room and locking the main lock and all of the extras. Her chair was lodged beneath the doorknob and she finally heaved a sigh of relief. Dropping to the bed, elvish blades laid next to her, Raye grabbed her journal.

November 8

I am compromised but my enemies have yet to strike. I am unsure what they wait for but I am ready.

Laenothil says to run but I do not take orders from dead men. I told him so and he he became angry. I am sure I owe him an apology but I cannot allow myself to be clouded by such soft emotion as regret or compassion.

November 10th


If Laenothil were here, what would he say to me if he saw me sitting here intoxicated beyond rational thought? I am certain it would be some less than gentle jibing meant to anger me into change. Then would come another lesson because I allowed anger to dominate my mind and alter my course. I can look back on his infuriating methods with fondness and understanding but when this occurred, I quite remember wanting to slap the somber serene expression from his face.

I cannot say what I would give to have the chance to gaze upon that face once again. I miss him and need his wisdom right now.

Even when I ran from Faerondalen and from the marriage to Lialin; when my father cursed the day of my birth and my mother wept to think she had bore such a selfish, willful child--even then, Laenothil did not cease caring for me. He truly should have been my father for so many reasons, the chief amongst them--he wouldn't have sold me for political gain into a marriage with a black hearted brute such as Lialin. Had that not occurred then what transpired afterwards would simply be a nightmare and not a night terror brought about due to remembrance.

His death torments me more than the others. I bear the shame of all of their lives being cut short but the pain cuts deepest when I remember Laenothil. Even to the very end of hope, his valor was unmatched. He knew he marched to his death when he came to rescue me from the dungeons, yet still he came. It is for the cutting down of Laenothil that the bastard Lialin will most pay. For not granting that most honorable of men the respect of seeing the face of whom would snuff out the flame of his life.

When Lialin and I dance for the final time, he will see my beloved teacher and friend in every slash of my blade.

November 14th


I am not certain I am going to recover from the injuries I endured while I was away dealing with Lialin.

The bruises and cuts are nearly healed but my ribs require more time. I have also lost much muscle tone, weight, and endurance from my imprisonment. I know I need to eat more but I cannot seem to force myself to.

My greatest injury is to my heart. This is what I am sure I cannot recover from. I realized while I was away that I am not the type of woman to settle down with a family. I am far too independent to ever allow a man, no matter how much I love him, to chain himself to me with that little band of metal around my finger. Isn't that the same thing as a band of metal around the neck? If I were to marry, it would be the same as being collared and enslaved. I am far too free spirited for that life. Knowing this does not ease the agony within me when I think of Jonothon. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing until I am finally able to pass out. It doesn't stop me from trying to fill this void with whatever I can.

I often wonder if my death would have been less painful beneath the instruments of torture that Lialin wielded. There would have eventually been an end to this misery. Perhaps I would have bled away the pain.

For whatever reason, I have survived that waking nightmare again. For what reason, though? Why have the gods spared my life once again? To ensure I suffer as much loss as I have caused?

November 16th

I went to the duels tonight with Dave. It was Dyarhk's Barony challenge and I didn't want to miss it but was so afraid that I would run into Jono. Dave says I am a "chicken sh*t" and I really can't deny that fact. Amazingly, we managed to make it through an entire evening without the threat of violence or pulling a gun on one-another. Surely that should be recorded somewhere aside from my journal.

I cannot express how relaxing it was to just sit and talk to Dyarhk. I told him tonight that I have figured out the word that best describes him--it is comfort. He truly is a comfort to me, though he may not realize it. He is part of that small group of friends that I have that are the reason I decided to come back to RhyDin instead of moving on. No matter how much I write about my misery in this journal, I do still count myself as blessed because of the friends I have.

Dyarhk said something that made me think, and in turn, made me feel a little better. He said the word that sums me up the best is "protection." I think he is right. I also think I will be less harsh on myself for leaving Jono the way I did because my motives were pure in the fact that I just wanted to protect him from Lialin. It doesn't stop the heartache or the longing for him, but my guilt is less than it was before tonight.

I am finally growing sleepy. Perhaps tonight I will be able to rest for a few hours without be plagued by the ghosts of my regrets.

November 20th


I dreamed that I sat upon my father's throne and blood poured from my body and down the dais to pool around the bent knees of my people as they bowed before me. Each of them were clad in the purest of white robes and placed a hand into my blood before pressing that same hand to their chest above their heart.

I looked to my right and there sat Lialin on a throne more grand even than my father's. He held within his hand, a heart that still beat, as if it had not yet learned of it's death. He laughed the most horrifying laugh and pointed at my chest with the hand that held the dripping heart. When I looked down, I was wearing a wedding gown and the center of my chest was stained red. I looked back at him and watched as he handed my heart to my father.

I heard a roar of screams so loud in their violence that my throne shook beneath me and when I looked down to my people they were all holding their hearts in their hands, raised in an offering to me.

I will not be sleeping the rest of this night and I am not sure I can drown in the bottom of a bottle this time.

November 25th

I awakened to my bed flying out of the window of my room and landing in the cellar of the Red Dragon. I was still in it, obviously. It didn't take long to figure out the cause of such chaos; I heard Dillon's rumbling voice as he looked down into the massive hole in the middle of the porch of the Inn and saw me sitting there.

He apparently had taken my interest in going to the armory seriously and arrived only a few hours after I left him, Dave, and Jackie to take me there. Hungover. I think the man is crazier than everyone says I am. Which is probably why I like him. He is definitely the kind of friend to keep around. Lots of fun, wicked humor. Doesn't hurt that he has an entire planet full of any weapon or armor I can dream up and what I can't dream up he can. He also seems to understand the beauty and necessity of destruction whereas most people appear fearful or disgusted when the subject is approached.

It was easily one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I could just think of a weapon and it was brought to me. The stuff I brought back is so far beyond anything I imagined anyone would have, let alone give me. And Dillon says these are the outdated weapons and there are far better.

I could take over the entire universe with that armory at my disposal. I need to think of some way to make this happen.

December 2nd


I have lost three days. I assumed I had been asleep because I was in my bed just a few moments ago. But when I got up to check that talking contraption for messages, I noticed a terrible pain in my upper leg. I removed my pants and have a bandage wrapped around my thigh and when I removed the bandage there is a wound that has been stitched up; the edges are red and angry and the bandage is quite soiled as if it hasn't been changed recently.

There is no memory of what might have caused this injury; the last thing I remember is coming back from Adenna.

December 10th

While I was hanging out with Dave and Eleanor tonight, Dyarhk stopped by the Red Dragon to bring me a gift for some holiday called Chrismens that the locals celebrate.

They were some exquisite silver t-strapped high heeled sandals with glittery gems all along the straps. He said the gift was to help rebuild the collection that has been left behind at Jonothon's house.He told me to wear them and to never forget him. I let him know that I didn't need shoes or anything to remind me of him.

How could I forget someone that has so embedded themselves into my heart?

After he left, Eleanor and Dave told me the truth about this Christmens holiday gift giving. Apparently it is accepted practice that the recipient of the gift, once they accept it, owe the giver of the gift at least one night of sex.

At first, I admit, I was quite angry that Dyarhk would even suggest such a thing to me. Then I decided it was simply a mistake and that perhaps he, much like myself, was not aware of this strange custom. I know him and trust that he is not the type of man to behave in such a way.

He was coming down with a cold. It always worries me so much to see a human become ill. They are so fragile. He is quite a strong man, however, from all of the hard work and fresh air he gets so I am sure he will recover quickly.

I will not worry much.

December 16th

I think, perhaps, it is time that I try to talk to Jonothon. It isn't really fair to never tell him why I left, is it? And all of this guilt is weighing heavily on me.

I am just unsure how to approach him or what to say. Do I just knock on the door and say "Surprise! I'm alive!" and expect him to talk to me? He has always been quite blind to my faults but I am unsure how this would turn out.

I would probably not admit this to anyone else but I just miss him. I miss the way he said my name. I miss the way the top of my head just fit below his chin and the way we could just stand there and find comfort in the silence. I miss the way my heart would pound in my chest just because he walked into a room. I miss how his hair constantly fell into his face and how he would look at me when I smoothed it back. I miss his lopsided smile. I miss my closet and all of my clothes....and...my shoes. I hope he is taking care of them.

December 22nd


Dear Jonothon,

I find that I have no idea what to say to you, though my mind is overwhelmed by so much that I need to and wish to share with you.

I find myself wondering quite frequently how you are. Are you safe? Have you started taking jobs again and if so, are you being careful? Is your life more consistent and smooth without me in it? Do you...ever think of me? Did you get the puppy we were going to buy? If you did, what did you name it? ARE YOU KEEPING IT AWAY FROM MY SHOES???

So, I should probably give some explanation for the reason I left. For the reason that I left in the manner that I did. The biggest reason, though you will likely not believe me, is because I loved you.

Let me begin from the beginning. I didn't tell you but a couple of nights before I left, I was attacked by a small party of drow assassins when I was out for a run. They were dispatched and with the help of a man that works for the Watch, I was able to detain one of them. I managed to get some answers out of him and found out that Lialin knew of my location, just as you and I feared.

I hired some old acquaintances that specialized in recon ops and they found that Lialin was camped about twenty miles away and he was planning to make his move. The night I disappeared, I received the call. I had been planning for this eventuality for thirty years so I already had everything into place that I needed.

I didn't want to leave you. I especially didn't want to leave you without saying goodbye. I know you, however, Jono. I knew you would either try to detain me or you would insist on going along. Either way would put you in danger and this wasn't something I was willing to do.

I know you must have been worried when you awoke and I was gone. I can't imagine how you felt as each day passed and there was still no word from me. And the day you finally accepted that I wasn't coming back. I can't imagine your pain except that I felt the same pain of being separated from you.

I didn't feel I had a choice because your life meant more to me than even the love we shared. I am so sincerely sorry for hurting you, Jonothon. You will never know the depth of sorrow I have felt for this. I cannot say, however, that I would do anything differently; having gone through this situation, I would do everything the same. Your life will always mean that to me.

I should have contacted you when I came back but I was afraid. Before you scoff at that notion, you must realize that I am more terrified of you and what you brought to life inside of me than I could ever be of something that could kill me. I am not so entirely fearless as some people assume.

While I was away, there was a period of time that all I had to occupy myself and keep myself even remotely coherent were my thoughts. I did a lot of thinking. I realized something about myself that I may have always known but ignored because of my love for you.

I realized that I am not the woman that can settle down in the beautiful house with the perfect dog, and perfect children (those do not exist, by the way), with the perfect husband (you would have been), and the perfect life. This life would have been the death of me because I am unsettled to my very soul. The life we were pursuing would have suffocated the life from me. I do not say this to hurt you, Jonothon. I say this only to try to make you understand.

I realized that I could not offer you the commitment you deserved. I couldn't offer you the life you dreamed of. So, when I was finally free of my imprisonment, I did not quickly come home. I remained gone because I could not face you. With this knowledge of myself and the pain I had already caused you, I felt it was better to stay away. I have been a coward.

I certainly do not deserve this, but I would ask your forgiveness. Know, that even though I cannot offer my heart to you (not that you would desire it now), you will forever hold a large piece of it. I will always love you.


Forever,
Isaviel

P.S. How are my shoes? You didn't throw them out, did you?

Rayvinn signed her real name (that was known to only two non-elves) to signify how very real the sentiment of the letter was.

For the first time in the six months since she had left Jonothon, Rayvinn felt a small measure of peace regarding that part of her life. If she actually tore the page from her journal and gave it to him, she might feel even better. However, baby steps are still steps even though they are small and faltering.

Maybe someday she would even be able to let him go.

December 25th

I came back from spending the day with Cor and could not believe my eyes. REAP WAS AT THE INN! He looked well, which I am quite grateful for. I had been worried that he would drink so much that he would just forget to eat but that wasn't the case. He actually looks better than he did when he left, might be the black eye somebody prettied him up with. So hawt!

Cor and I got into a fight because he decided it was alright to just be a complete and total jerk and yell at me in front of the entire Inn. If I did something to upset him, he could have just said it to me instead of humiliating me in front of all of those people. Why does he feel the need to make a scene when he is upset with me? This was just like the incident when he knocked the bottle out of my hands in front of everyone in the Inn. I can't tell him that it upsets me because that just makes me look weak. Anger is so much easier to express and so that is what I show him. His words can cut deeper than any blade I wield.

We did eventually iron things out and I am happy for that.

A strange thing happened while we were all sitting on the porch. This attractive blonde elf tried to give Cor a present! He was appropriately dismayed by the gift giving custom since this pretty elf is apparently merely a friend. Who can be sure, however? Reap says Cor is a total whore.

This gift the elf tried to give him was suspiciously shaped (the gift giver was an elf so she was obviously one of Santa's slaves) and when Reap said something to her about the shape of the gift, she began to spank him with it. It was most shocking.

And people say that I am crazy...

I appear to have made a new enemy tonight. He has given me reason to suspect that he will try to kidnap me and sell me to Santa. I will slit his throat before he gets the chance.

I have not given Cor the painting I made him for his Chrismens present.

December 27th

I saw Aja, Rachael, and Daigh tonight on Twilight Isle. That was fun.

Apple showed up later and before I left she kissed me on the cheek. I had the urge to kiss her cheek too. Nothing crazy, just...I don't know. It is weird. I don't think it is normal to want to do that. Anyway, I walked away from her so that I wouldn't say or do something weird and embarrass us both. So. I hope she didn't think I was weird.

December 30th

Haven't been around to write in this thing for a couple of days. Just been hanging out and drinking and stuff.

Spent some time with Dave. Even though I know what he does for a living and I know a lot of people don't approve of him, I really do think of him as a friend. I think if I was in trouble, he would have my back. A lot of people don't approve of me either and I haven't really given a f*ck about that so it's no different with him.

It's always good to have a friend that doesn't want something more than just hanging out. That's the problem with men. They can't just be friends usually. They always gotta try to push the boundaries and make a girl break their nose and mess up her nails at the same time.

Hung out with Cor a little over the past few days also, big surprise there. Got to leap buildings and run at super speed so that is always cool.

It's weird but sometimes I will look over at him and he is staring at me. Is it time to cut him again to see if his blood is green slime? There might be some way that he has been able to fool the green blood test, though. I never thought of that before. Maybe the aliens like his body because it isn't soused with alcohol like the rest of us. Or maybe they love tea or the huge amount of sugar he ingests. But the fact is, he is acting weird again. Weirder than normal. So, I'm gonna be watching him to see if he starts eating live chickens and stuff like that.

I sketched a portrait I am really proud of. Drawing and painting always makes my head slow down and I don't feel the urge to hit something so strongly. I should probably draw more and drink less.

January 3rd

The work that Dave wanted me to do for him on the docks ended up being a trap for him.

I was shot at so I used evasive maneuvers to reestablish control over the situation and eliminated my targets. While doing so, one managed to survive so I called Jack for a medivac. His men took the prisoner to a hospital, under guard. This is the man I overheard ordering some others to kill Dave, so I am going to find Dave and get some answers.

January 11th

There was an entire week's worth of entries missing because her life had taken a chaotic turn that had her wearing disguises, staying in different places each night and generally too wired to sit and write. This night however...

I found out tonight that Dyarhk is...

I have nothing left to say.

Rayvinn couldn't write the word. She wouldn't believe this to be the truth.

March 31st.



It has been so long since I have written in a journal. This is the new one that Hank bought for me when I first came back from Istandor. He was trying to be helpful and hoped I would write about ?the incident? since I wouldn?t talk to anyone. I didn?t really feel a need to do that until tonight.

I?m in my old room at the Red Dragon. When I came in, I knew immediately someone had been here. I dunno if it was before I went to Istandor or if it was a more recent break in, nothing was taken but someone went through all of my belongings.

So, why I am writing tonight. I was texting with Apple and she sent me a really cute pic of herself. I asked her if she had that outfit on at the time she sent the text and she said she was ?sorta out with the guys.? Sounded like fun. I told her to tell them that she is mine. I was totally joking. She told me she couldn?t tell them that because she couldn?t make much noise because someone was asleep next to her. What. The. F*ck. Why is she in bed with some guy? I mean...seriously? Why would she even f*cking tell me that?

The other night in the bookstore she said something about Aurast being her boyfriend. I?m not sure but I think she was trying to make me jealous then. I wouldn?t want to assume that but it felt like it. But this...this is so f*cking far beyond trying to make someone jealous. There would be no other reason to tell me that unless she was intentionally trying to hurt me.

The thought of Apple in bed with some guy makes me crazy. Like...I want to stab the bastard in the throat...that kind of crazy. I cannot even deal with seeing her right now. If I saw her I am sure I would scream things at her that I would regret someday. Then again, maybe she deserves that.

I am having so much trouble understanding how this happened. She is so shy...or so I thought. She and I spend more nights together than apart and we have never been anywhere close to being intimate and she meets some guy and immediately f*cks him? And here I thought I was the one with the issues because I prefer men. Apparently she does as well.

After I left the bookstore a couple of nights ago and showed up at her room at the Outback, we were talking about Dyarhk and also about the danger she could be in. She told me she wasn?t going anywhere and that I didn?t have to go through anything alone. I wonder if she had already been seeing this guy then or did she just meet him tonight?

I feel like screaming. I want to break something. I want to break his nose. Mostly, I want to erase the last couple of hours and all of the pain and just be in her arms.

I can?t stay here and take the chance of seeing her. I need to get out of here for at least a few days. I think I am going to Adenna. I will stay in the room at the Slipkey that I stayed in on my last visit and I will go see Dyarhk?s grave. I will buy some shoes at DeCausey?s and get into fights with some of these infamous Adennian warriors.

Seiri and Nayun aren?t usually in RhyDin this late to port me there and Kruger has access somehow to go every morning for training so I am gonna catch a ride with him. He is in room seventeen, so I am gonna go by there in the morning and tell him I need to leave and make him swear not to tell Apple anything if she asks. She doesn?t have the right to know anything about me anymore.

I just wish I didn?t miss her so much already...


Damn, this was a bad week to go off of those pills the doc gave me.