Ishmerai prepared himself for one of the more difficult conversations he would have with his much beloved lady. The knight sat across from her, eating a late breakfast after a grueling morning workout. He watched her shovel some colored concoction into her mouth, which she insisted was a breakfast food called Leprechaun Trinkets, that stung his nose when he smelled it, burned his tongue with the first taste. Jewell?s motions were automatic, spoon to mouth and back, while she stared at nothing. Clearing his throat to catch her attention, he passed a small white card across the table to her.

?Hm?? She focused her eyes first on him and then on the card. ?What?s this?? she asked, picking it up and twirling it with her left hand. ?You got business cards made for yourself?? she teased him and laughed, ?Finally time to find a better paying job maybe??

He gave her a wry smile. ?It is not for me. It is for you.?

?You had business cards made for me?? Confused, she turned the card to look at it as Ishmerai?s answer of ?no? filtered through her brain. ?Who?s Dr. Bronner?? She looked up to find his eyes, finding him watching her steadily.

?She is someone I think you need to see.?

?Uhuh.? She set the card down and worked on finishing her cereal, speaking rudely between mouthfuls. ?What kind of doctor is she??

?She deals with what they call mental health.?

The spoon froze halfway to her mouth, dripping milk on the table, before Jewell slowly set it back in her bowl. ?Explain.? Her voice was cool, almost cold. Suddenly, a high-ranked lady of Faerie was sitting across from him, not a darling of RhyDin.

Ishmerai was not put off by her demeanor. Lady Jewell Ta-Neer, even in the fiercest of moods, was an angel compared to the first lady Ishmerai had served. ?You are not well, Mira. You put on a good show of it for your friends and acquaintances, but even you are not good enough to fool everyone.? She scowled a touch at this overly-honest appraisal of her abilities. ?Even with your training and assisting Isuelt to keep you occupied, even with the duels to keep you busy and focused, you are not happy.?

?What do you expect, Ishmerai?? Going on the defense, her tone became sharp. ?My children are locked away, my magic is locked away...?

He interrupted her before a rant (or a complete meltdown) could develop, ?I expect you to continue on. Adapt. Live. Your children have been missing from your life for a very long time now. You functioned well enough back home despite that. And as for your magic,? he softened his tone, ?Mira, it has been well over a year. You must let go of it for now.? Jewell huffed. ?I cannot continue to watch you go through the motions of living as you are. You came to RhyDin in search of something, and even though we are here, you continue to look. Let this woman help you.?

She stared at him stubbornly before taking the card in her hand again, spinning it around a little. Her whole being resisted the notion of anyone trying to help her, but she couldn?t push Ishmerai away. She wouldn?t. He may not have said it or even come close to implying it, but Jewell knew she was pushing the patience and limits of her knight. At some point, he would give up on her because she had long ago given up on herself, and then what would she do? There was no way she could function on her own. She would certainly drown in her self-destructive spiral without him. ?I will give it a try,? she conceded.

?That is all I am asking of you.?

Jewell eyed him seriously, speaking quietly, ?You ask a lot of me, Merai.?

?Only because I believe you will not let me down.?

Despite her inner avowal that she would not be returning, Jewell found herself sitting across from Dr. Bronner the following week.

?Is there something in particular you want to talk about today, Jewell?? The socialite shook her head ?no?. There was nothing she had to say to this woman. There was nothing she wanted help with. She never wanted help with anything. When was the last time she allowed anyone but Ishmerai to help her? And he didn?t really count because helping her was his job. Dr. Bronner?s thoughts apparently paralleled Jewell?s. ?You seem very reluctant to speak with me, Jewell. I cannot really help you if you don?t want me to.?

Jewell chanced a smile, ?Are you sure it?s reluctance, doctor? Maybe there?s just nothing wrong with me.?

?One, you can call me Helen, Jewell.? Her patient nodded. ?Two, everyone has something wrong with them. You?re a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman, but you?re not perfect. So let?s not pretend here.? The Empress actually smirked at that. ?And I think it?ll make things easier if we?re both honest with each other. I don?t think you would be here?no matter who threatened or cajoled you?if you didn?t really think that you were struggling with something.?

Her teeth worked at the inside of her cheek a moment, grey eyes drifting to the tree-lined street outside. This was it then, wasn?t it? The real test of her strength. Did she admit that she needed help? That she was an absolute mess inside? That she wasn?t sure where to even begin sorting things out anymore? Or did she dare to continue her silent resistance, get up and walk out of here and see how much longer she could struggle on her own? Jewell leveled her eyes on the doctor, ?You?re right. I mean, I like to keep in Ishmerai?s good graces since he is very important to me, but I don?t let anyone bully me into anything. He may have suggested I come, but I came because I decided to.?

?Wonderful.? Helen sat back in her leather seat. Jewell didn?t realize until that moment that the doctor?s demeanor had been just as tense as her own. ?What can I help you with then??

?I guess that everything hasn?t really been going that well lately,? Jewell admitted uncomfortably. It was one thing to make the decision to get help. It was something else entirely to say it out loud.

?Do you ever talk with your friends about what?s bothering you??

Jewell thought back to her recent reconciliation with Issy: The perfect opportunity to tell one of her dearest friends what was on her mind. She confessed, ?No. I don?t really talk with anyone about my problems except maybe Ishmerai at times.?

?Why not??

The air just wooshed out of her as Jewell sat back on the couch, really thinking about her answer. She could feel the frustration and hostility from last week already building up inside her at this invasive line of questioning, so she had to reason practically with herself to find some control. Why was her choice not to talk to her friends important? Because Helen needed her to be able to open up if she wanted to get help, therefore Jewell had to overcome whatever stopped her from opening up to begin with. So what stopped her? ?I guess maybe opening up is admitting to weakness, and that makes me feel vulnerable.?

?And you don?t like to feel that way??

?No!? she burst out before shaking her head, ?I mean, who does??

?I?m sure not many people do,? Helen agreed. ?But not everyone relates talking about their problems to admitting weakness, Jewell. Many just see it as being honest and realistic, not as being vulnerable.? The Faerie nodded a little, dropping her eyes to the floor. ?Why do you think you tie the two together??

?I.. hmm.? She took a deep breath before attempting to explain: ?If I have problems that I cannot handle on my own, I am weak. If I admit to such weakness, I am vulnerable because people can take advantage of me and my weaknesses.?

Helen nodded, ?It can be very difficult to feel vulnerable. Do your friends have problems, Jewell??

She laughed, ?Of course.?

?Would you consider them weak?? Dr. Bronner arched an eyebrow at her.

Jewell actually groaned, caught up in her own logic. ?No.?

?Having problems that you cannot handle on your own and being able to discuss them with your friends does not make you weak. On the contrary, many people believe that true strength is being able to acknowledge your weaknesses and then working to overcome them.?

She tangled her long fingers together in her lap, ?That makes sense. To be physically strong you have to analyze your weaknesses and target them in your training to overcome them.?

?Who do you train to overcome your physical weaknesses with??

?Ishmerai for the most part. I used to train myself, but that was years and years ago. It?s better to train with him; more efficient. He?s very knowledgeable, and it?s good to have someone point out your flaws because you can?t always see them yourself.?

Helen nodded slowly as she listened to Jewell describe her training regimen. ?That?s the perfect comparison for what I?d like for us to do here together, Jewell. We won?t be training you physically. I know very little about that, unfortunately,? both women laughed a little. ?But think about our sessions together as mental and emotional training. We?re going to work together to find the weaknesses you?re struggling with?including the ones you can?t currently see for yourself?and then make a plan to overcome them.?

?Huh,? Jewell narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the doctor. ?You know, when you put it that way, it doesn?t sound so bad. You?re very good at this.?

Dr. Bronner grinned, ?Naturally. We all have our strengths, don?t we?? Jewell conceded with a faint smile. ?Now that we?ve come to an agreement of sorts, I?d like to talk about something you mentioned earlier if that?s okay.?

?Yeah sure,? she shrugged.

?You mentioned that admitting your weaknesses to your friends makes you feel vulnerable, and that worries me a little Jewell. It?s a frightening world you must live in if you cannot even trust your friends enough not to take advantage of you when you open up to them.?

The inside of her cheek was once more mauled by her teeth, ?Up until very recently, doctor, it had been a very long time indeed before there was anyone except for Ishmerai for me to trust.?

?I?m sorry to hear that, Jewell. Life must have been very difficult without anyone for you to trust.?

The slighter woman shrugged, ?It?s just the way things are. I spent the last two hundred years or so living in Faerie. I had a few friends, but for the most part people in the courts are more likely to use even the slightest sign of weakness against you than comfort you in your sorrows.? Jewell wasn?t looking for sympathy. She spoke matter-of-factly as she described the world she inhabited after being forced to leave the comfort of love, friends, and family behind in RhyDin. ?My enemies were everywhere. I had to be extremely careful and very good at what I do. There was no place for weakness.?

?It sounds like you must have lived a very guarded life then, in terms of being open and honest with people.?

?Absolutely. There was no room for any of that: emotions, sentiment, feelings... they all would have just gotten in the way.?

?Is that true now that you?re back in RhyDin??

Jewell hesitated, brows coming together, ?No. It?s different here. It always was.?

?But even though it?s different here, even though you are no longer surrounded by enemies (I hope!), you?re still guarding yourself, aren?t you??

It didn?t take long to think about that: ?Yes.?

?Maybe that?s something we can work on together next week then.?

Jewell swept right into the office where Dr. Bronner was waiting for her, barely taking a seat before she blurted out: ?Isuelt.?

?Pardon?? Helen asked, eyebrows raised.

?Isuelt DeRomiano is a friend I can trust.?

?Oh that?s wonderful, Jewell! I?m glad you were able to think of someone. Her name sounds very familiar. She?s the leader of the Scathachian Sisterhood in RhyDin, isn?t she??

?Mmhm. It honestly wasn?t that hard to think of a name once I sat down and gave it some thought. I actually came up with several.?

?Oh really? Let?s hear them.? Helen waved for her to continue.

?Okay. So besides Isuelt there?s Tara Rynieyn, who is my very best friend. Those are two of the people I?m closest with in life.?

?Two friends is a great start.?

?I thought of others that I?m not quite as close with. Like my sister, Wyheree, but I don?t think she?s in RhyDin anymore since I haven?t seen her. My brother Brian, though I?d rather talk to my female friends first, I think.? Dr. Bronner nodded with understanding. ?So I could talk to my sister-in-law Jenai, that?s Brian?s wife. And Lain.. she?s my um.. well, Lain is part of my family too.? Jewell was ticking people off on her hand. ?I saw Charna for the first time since I came back the other night, and she?s a darling and an absolute mess so she?s not a bad person to speak with. I think Harris is my friend, but he?s more for being goofy together. And hugs! Annnd well,? she hemmed and hawed for a moment or two before dropping her voice close to a mumble, ?I guess I could talk with Stephen if I really needed to.?

?Well, let?s leave Stephen out of this for a moment, hmm?? Jewell readily nodded her agreement. ?Tell me a little bit about your relationships with some of these people.?

?Does it matter who I start with??

?Not at all. You start wherever you feel the most comfortable.?

?Okay, well..? she slouched back, legs outstretched before her in a most unladylike manner. ?Tara?s been my best friend for years and years. We understand each other somehow because we?ve both been through so much shit in life that we know it?s okay to be a little crazy and have fun. We play pretend together because pretend is better than reality.? Jewell scrunched her nose, ?That sounds so childish and silly when I say it out loud.?

?It?s not,? Dr. Bronner stated reassuringly. ?Everyone needs some form of escape.?

?Well, that?s ours then. Having tea parties, chasing men with nets. That kind of stuff.? She rattled it off as if those activities were completely normal for adult women.

To Dr. Bronner?s credit, she barely blinked. ?Do you have more serious conversations with Tara??

?Sometimes. If one of us needs to talk, than the other one is certainly going to listen. But more often than not we prefer making friends and being social.?

?All right. How about Isuelt??

?Issy and I go back quite a few years too. She?s a rock. She is just so strong and compassionate. We look out for each other like sisters do, or I guess it?s like what sisters do because I never had one growing up or anything. Like for example, I?m pretty sure she threatened Stephen before we got married to make sure he never ever hurt me on pain of death.?

Helen smiled, ?That sounds like what sisters do.?

?Yep. And then there?s my brother Brian. Brian?s the first person to really show me what family is. We don?t always see eye-to-eye on things, but we?re there for each other.. at least, we try to be. I don?t really go to him with my personal problems and for advice because he can get a bit over-protective.?

The doctor laughed at that, ?I?m pretty sure that?s what older problems are supposed to do.?

?Yeah, I guess,? Jewell smiled a little. ?It?s nice because it shows that he cares. It?s just not something I?m used to, even after all this time, because my brother growing up was never like that. He never looked out for me. So when Brian does it, or when he?s pushing me to get over something and move on, I don?t always react well.?

?Siblings can?t always get along. Especially as you start living separate lives, you?re going to butt heads at times.? Jewell?s smirk said it all: The Ravenlocks certainly did more than butt heads at times. ?What about Lain? You said she?s family too??

?Yeah in this really convoluted way that will give me a headache to explain.? Dr. Bronner laughed at that and Jewell grinned. ?Let?s just say that she?s a Ravenlock. That?s my family. And we used to not get along at all. I mean.. like we literally tried to kill each other several times.?

?And you feel comfortable enough confiding in her now?? Helen asked incredulously.

?Oddly enough, I think I do. Lain has her faults, sure, but I don?t think she?s a dirty back-stabber. Not anymore at least.? Jewell rolled her feet this way and that, staring at her boots. ?She?s not someone you can go crying to or anything, but she?ll tell it to you straight. She won?t hold back. If she thinks I?m being an idiot, then she will tell me that I?m being an idiot.?

?That can be a valuable trait in a friend.?

?Yeah. It?s funny to think of her as a friend, but it works.?

?I think that leaves Charna and Harris from your list since you said Wyheree isn?t available??

?Oh yeah. Well you probably know Harris from his radio show, which I was on by the way.?

?RhyDin Rewind, I believe??

?That?s the one! He?s also a big name in fist dueling. We?re friends because we both have blue hair, so naturally we get along.?

?Naturally,? Dr. Bronner didn?t attempt to hide her amusement.

?And well..? Jewell hesitated a moment before shaking her head. ?We?re friends. That?s it. And Charna?? She just jumped right into the next person on her list, ?She is great. I don?t know that we?ve ever been as close as say.. Isuelt and me, but she?s just one of those people you know will understand.?

?Well, it certainly seems like you have a lot of people you might feel comfortable in confiding in, Jewell. Especially Isuelt and Tara.?

?I guess..? she sounded unsure again.

?Don?t worry. I?m not going to ask you to just pick one and then go and bare your soul to them.? Jewell visibly relaxed with relief. ?I want you to keep them in mind, though. When you?re having a particularly tough day or week, consider meeting one of them for a cup of coffee and a chat. Does that seem like something you can do??

?I can try,? Jewell offered without any real sense of commitment.

?That?s the first step.?

?But.. why do I need to talk to a friend? I mean, isn?t that why I?m here talking to you??

?You?re right. I am here to help you for as long as you need help. But one of the things I usually work with people on, Jewell, is developing healthy coping mechanism and a support network. If you only have one person to rely on, one person to confide in, what happens when you do not have access to that person? What happens if something happens to that person? Or that person is the one you?re having problems with??

?Oh.?

?Exactly. So you need to work on rebuilding your support network. You need to work on trusting people again.? Helen held her hand up to forestall the objection forming on Jewell?s lips, ?I?m not saying you have to trust everyone. That would be foolish. But you do need to have a few people in your life that you can trust. It?s part of learning positive ways to deal with your problems, and something we are going to work on together. Hopefully, one day you won?t even need my help at all.?

Dr. Bronner could see that Jewell was clearly agitated. The woman would barely sit still: She kept moving around on the normally comfortable couch, shifting as if there were ants crawling all over her. Helen let her patient be for some time, but when ten minutes had passed without any meaningful conversation between the two of them, she tried to prompt the blue-haired woman to explain what was wrong, ?Is something bothering you today, Jewell??

?No,? The Empress lied effortlessly, stilling her fidgeting for the moment.

?Okay. Well, what?s been going on with you? Have you gone anywhere this week? Done anything fun??

Crossing her left leg over her right, Jewell?s foot tapped out an unsteady beat in the air, ?Went to this charity event the other night.?

?What was it for? Something that you think is important??

The easy smile Jewell normally wore twisted into something a little less pleasant. ?It was for orphans,? she paused before continuing flippantly, ?but I only went because Claire?my captain from IFL?was spearheading the efforts with a man named Shadow, who just happens to be incredibly handsome.?

?Of course.? It was difficult to see through Jewell?s heartless socialite act, she had been practicing it for a very long time now after all, but Dr. Bronner was sure the woman wasn?t as cold and shallow as she wanted to appear. ?Did you have a nice time??

?No.?

The flat, honest answer was a little unexpected. Helen raised both brows at the woman opposite her, genuinely surprised. ?No? Did something go wrong at the event??

?No,? Jewell shook her head. Her grey eyes narrowed as she stared at some unseen point over Dr. Bronner?s shoulder. ?It was nice enough, but then they had these two kids come out to fight. And there was just talk about kids everywhere.?

Helen treaded carefully when she spoke, ?I suppose that was to be expected at a charity function for children...?

?Yes but,? Jewell couldn?t hide her agitation now as she sat up, both feet planted firmly on the floor as her fingers curled into fists, ?I just couldn?t take hearing about it anymore. And when the two kids were going to fight? I just had to leave before I hit someone.?

?Why do you think it bothered you so much?? Dr. Bronner asked gently.

?Because.. because..? Jewell sought something else to look at, anything else but the doctor, ?it just reminded me of my children.? With the confession, she dug her elbows into her thighs and buried her face in her hands.

?Would you like to tell me about your children, Jewell??

?No,? came the muffled answer before her hands slowly slid down her face to peer at Dr. Bronner. ?Yes?? She looked away from the doctor again, staring at the wall of bookcases, ?I don?t know.?

?I think maybe you should, Jewell. It?s obviously something that is troubling you.?

Eyes locked on the line of books, Jewell nodded slowly. ?I guess so.?

?Remind me again how many children you have, dear.?

?Seven,? she answered almost in a trance, grey eyes far away. ?Three girls and four boys.?

?Can you tell me a little bit about them??

Jewell licked her lips, eyes slowly turning towards the doctor but dodging full contact. ?Amanda is the oldest. She?d be about fifteen now. She looks a lot like me, only her hair is darker and she?s going to be taller. Then there?s Moradin, who would be only eleven.? She spoke as if reciting it all from memory, and Helen noticed that Jewell?s right hand was locked around her left wrist as she spoke, fingers digging hard enough into her skin to bruise. ?He?s my little model son. Always so quiet like his father, Alex. And after Moradin are the triplets: Oz, Raven, and Eva-Jade. They were my sister Cher?s children, but she passed away and I took them in when they were just little little babies. They were just going to turn nine.? Her voice cracked a little at that, and she rushed through the next part, ?My youngest are Devyn and Kerrick, who were only eight.?

Dr. Bronner pressed her lips together, mulling the information over in her mind a moment. Jewell?s use of different verb tenses thoroughly confused her, forcing her to finally ask (although she dreaded the answer): ?Jewell, where are you children now??

?My family,? she spit out the word, ?took them from me.? She released her wrist, opting instead for tightly clenched fists again, nails biting into the palms of her hands as the rage that simply did not fade with time resurfaced in the rigidity of her body. ?That?s why I had to leave RhyDin. They took them from me.?

?Did.. did your family kill your children?? Helen asked with hesitation.

?No,? Jewell scoffed. ?Nothing so merciful as that for Faeries, you know. No. Why kill them when they could hold them over my head, dangle them in front of my eyes? Taunt me, manipulate me, control me. Get me to do whatever they wanted.? She either saw or imagined the question in her doctor?s eyes and she grinned cruelly, ?I did it too, you know. Everything and anything they wanted. Exile him. Kill her. Manipulate. Torture.? She waved her hand this way and that with each action she had taken during her time in the Faerie Courts. ?I did anything they wanted to get my children back.?

?Did it work??

Her palms slapped against the leather cushions, long fingers curling into the material as if she could bruise it too. ?Of course not! Only the foolishly desperate would think it would.? Jewell laughed humorlessly, shaking her head, ?But I was certainly desperate. As desperate as anyone could ever be. My life was on the line, but I could care less about that. It was their lives I cared about, and I was all alone to fight for them. I was without hope. So I did what they asked, but it wasn?t good enough.? Her eyes had turned as cold as the iron that burned her skin, ?I am not as cruel as them, you know. I only killed them for what they had done, nothing more. They did not honor their word, and I killed them for it.?

Dr. Bronner was riveted on the young woman before her, ?And the children??

She shook her head, ?No matter what I have done, they have been kept from me. My aunt was no fool. There is a rare and terrible magic that can entomb people within works of art. It is a gift that few Faerie or Fae have. And so my lovely children, so vibrant and full of life, have become lifeless paintings. They hang on my walls, staring down on me with condemnation for surely I have failed them. I have spent many long years in Faerie searching for a way to free them. Yet, here I am now: whole and sound without them.?

?Jewell.. that is just terrible.?

?Isn?t it?? She smiled more naturally again as she sat back on the couch, arms crossed. ?So what are you going to say, doctor? What can you say to make this all better for me??

Helen smiled sadly at the challenge, ?I?m afraid there isn?t anything I could ever say to make this magically all right again, Jewell. I think you know that too.?

The patient sighed, ?Well, one could always hope.?

?That?s very true. Let me ask you: Do you have any hope that your children will be back with you again one day??

?That is the one thing that I cling to in life, doctor. It?s the only thing that keeps me alive. It?s my reason for everything I do.?

Dr. Bronner was dressed a bit more casually than usual as she sat across from Jewell, jeans and a sweatshirt replacing the usual dress pants and blouse she wore when seeing patients. The early morning light caused the dust to dance in the air above the women?s heads, and Helen cradled a cup of coffee in her hands. Jewell looked like she hadn?t slept all night, and she certainly hadn?t changed out of the clothes she had worn the previous day; her state of general disarray (with her slightly rumpled sweater and hair messily thrown up in a ponytail) spoke to the current state of her mind. ?Your note said you needed to see me as early as possible this morning, Jewell. Is everything ok??

?What?? Between greeting each other and sitting down, Jewell had apparently already lost track of her thoughts. ?Oh yeah! Sorry, I hope I didn?t disturb you.. I just thought maybe it would be better not to wait until later in the week. Or Ishmerai thought it would be better and I didn?t disagree.? She was gesturing rapidly to match the speed of her speech.

Helen raised her eyebrows, ?How many cups of coffee have you had??

Jewell sighed, her body deflating into the couch with it. ?A lot.?

?I figured. Okay, so did something happen??

?Well yeah..? she played with the end of her blue-haired ponytail. ?But maybe I can tell you about the kinda good part first??

?Sure, whatever you?d like.? Dr. Bronner sat back in her chair with her coffee resting on the arm, watching her patient.

?Well I got Harris to agree to help me do normal things, just like you suggested.? She nodded, quite proud of herself for asking for help! ?I told him that he had to help me because I?m going crazy and the only way to save me is doing normal things.?

Dr. Bronner hid her smile by raising her coffee cup up since Jewell had apparently taken her suggestion quite literally; she hadn?t really meant for her to enlist help from someone so directly. She also didn?t remember telling her patient that she thought she was crazy. ?That?s great! Were you able to think of any activities??

?Oh yeah. We?re gonna catch butterflies, but we might have to wait until it?s not so cold because I don?t think butterflies are out just now. But when we catch them we?re supposed to dip them in chocolate and eat them? That sounded a bit weird, but Harris is an expert on normal things soo..? Jewell shrugged. ?He said skinning cats was a bit too violent and not normal enough, and I agree because I do kind of like cats anyway. And I said we could build a snowman, but I didn?t know that those were so last season so we?re going to build an awesome snow fort instead.?

There weren?t many times when Helen had trouble thinking of something to say to her patients, but she struggled for a moment before coming up with, ?Well, that sounds fantastic Jewell. I think you?re really making progress.?

The Empress gave a woosh of relief, ?Oh I?m glad you think so! Because the night went seriously downhill after that..?

?I?m sorry to hear that. What happened??

?It?s just,? she shuffled her feet around on the floor, ?I can?t seem to keep my big mouth shut.? Her head rolled back and thunked against the couch, ?I mentioned that I was going to a doctor, but then obviously it came up what kind of doctor. So I said a lady parts doctor! Of course Harris then had to say something about me having lady parts problems and of course that?s not true so I had to defend my good name..? Jewell groaned and covered her face. ?It was terrible.?

?We all make a fool of ourselves now and then, Jewell. It?s more a matter of how you handle yourself in such situations.?

Her hands slid off her face, ?Well I used to be just fine with that, no problem laughing everything and anything off. It just doesn?t seem to work as well lately. I seem to get embarrassed instead and uncomfortable. So like last night, I got out of there as fast as I could instead of staying around to fix the situation, and I went over to the Inn instead. But that was a HUGE mistake.?

?Did the problem follow you there??

?No,? she shook her head, eyes drifting to the ceiling, ?so much worse.? There was a long pause as Helen waited expectantly to hear what had happened; it could be said that Jewell was easily one of her most interesting patients, and she was never quite sure what was going to come out of her mouth. ?Stephen was there.?

That was the big event, and Jewell didn?t add any other explanation with it as, in her mind, Stephen?s presence spoke for itself. ?That would be Stephen Kidd? Your last husband?? Jewell nodded. ?What is your relationship like with him now??

The Empress groaned, throwing her arms up over her face this time, ?I don?t know! I don?t know! It?s terrible,? she uttered dramatically.

?It can?t be that bad,? Helen countered, unimpressed by her patient?s theatrics.

Jewell sighed, lowering her arms, ?But it is. I was so upset last night. I mean.. I was hysterical. Just being around him is so entirely confusing. It?s like I can?t even think straight. But then the more I thought about our interaction from last night, the more confused I got!?

?Well, let?s have the story from the beginning then.?

?Oh. Yeah, I guess that would help,? she admitted but failed to start the story, nibbling on her lower lip.

Helen gave her a little nudge in the right direction, ?How did you two meet??

?At the Dragon of course. And I was going through a bit of a rough time because Skyler?he was my beau?had just been brutally murdered and left on my doorstep.? Dr. Bronner gaped a little, but Jewell didn?t seem to notice. ?And Stephen can come off kind of rough, you know. He?s a sailor. But his accent,? there was a touch of longing in her sigh, ?is just lovely. And he was very sweet with me. And I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me.. but not just me. He loved the children too and,? her voice got thick, causing her to pause and compose herself. ?And we were a family.?

?What happened??

?Well, I?m not an easy person to live with. I?m jealous and uncommunicative, and stubborn and strong willed. And then Stephen was away at sea for a very very long time.? Jewell trailed off and looked out the window; it was all so very long ago for her, but she could still call it all to mind. ?But I wasn?t unfaithful,? she snapped her eyes back to Dr. Bronner, ?which I?m sure people assumed I was. Or he was. But he wasn?t. I just gave up hope in him returning, and I got frustrated. Then everything went to hell because he did eventually come back and,? in her agitation, Jewell started to latch on to her arm, nails biting through the grey sweater, ?and that?s when things really got fucked up because my family stepped in. Everything might have been okay without their involvement, but they drove a wedge between us that I just couldn?t get past, and then they stole my children from me.?

Helen let the silence linger between them for a moment before asking, ?Is that when you left RhyDin, Jewell??

?Mhmm.? She nodded slowly. ?But I told him. I went to him before I left. I just.. I couldn?t let him think I was dead. Not Stephen. I couldn?t let things end badly between us like that.? Jewell laughed bitterly, ?It was so selfish, but I just couldn?t leave with him thinking I was dead, without ever having tried to set things right, and him hating me forever.?

?And what did Stephen do??

Jewell brushed at her eyes with the back of her hand because she couldn?t stop the tears that were forming there when she thought back to that last night, ?He wanted to come with me. Can you believe that? After the way I treated him, he wanted to come with me. But I didn?t let him. I couldn?t. And so I left.? She took a deep breath, ?And that was supposed to be that.? Her teeth tore at the ragged flesh of the inside of her cheek, ?I spent a very long time making peace with that in Faerie, or I thought I did. I thought I had moved on. Maybe I did.?

?Did it feel that way when you came back??

?No. Not at all. Because when I saw him again this summer, my heart just stopped, and it felt like only two days had passed for me, not two hundred years. RhyDin had grown distant in Faerie, but coming back here brought back a lot of the old feelings and emotions.?

?What?s the problem then??

Those grey eyes, dreamy just moments before when she was remembering how Stephen had kissed her again after all that time had passed, turned hard. ?He had gotten married.?

?Oh.?

?Yeah. Exactly. He knew I wasn?t dead, but he just moved on anyway.?

?But you hadn?t planned on ever coming back to RhyDin,? Helen tried to play the voice of reason.

Jewell groaned quietly, ?I know, I know! I told him to move on. It?s what I thought I wanted. I told myself it was for the best. And it was okay when I wasn?t here, but now I am and he?s with someone else.? She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, her hands burying themselves into her hair at her temples. ?But then he tells me he loves me, and I don?t know what to think.?

Dr. Bronner?s mouth formed a little ?o?. This was better than those soap operas she watched, but more painful as the woman in front of her was clearly suffering. ?That seems to be a problem Stephen needs to sort out.?

?That?s what I said!? Jewell sat upright again. ?And I think he was trying to, but then I realized.. what the hell, I don?t want to be someone?s second choice. If he doesn?t know right away that he wants to be with me over her, then he should just stay with his wife. So that?s what I told him.?

?That seems a little unreasonable, Jewell. Were you faithful to Stephen the whole time you were gone??

She smirked. ?Of course not.?

?Then why should you expect Stephen to be??

?I didn?t! I mean, I don?t want to think about him being with that woman, of course, but I can?t fault him for it. That?s not the problem, though. It?s just like he doesn?t know his own mind. If he made the decision to marry her, then he should stay with her. That?s it. He made his decision, now he has to live with it. Just like I have to live with mine.?

?Is that what you really want though?? Jewell shrugged. ?Is that what he wants??

?That?s the part I don?t get. I thought so. And then I didn?t. And now I have no idea. He seemed to want to talk to me last night, and he mentioned something weird about ruining three marriages. But.. he?s supposed to be with her now. That?s how we left things between us. End of story. No more being flirtatious with me. No more calling me his darling. It just messes with my head so bad.? Her elbows were back on her knees, fingers digging into her temples this time.

?Would you take him back if he decided that?s what he wanted??

She shook her head, eyes closed. ?I don?t know.?

?Is there someone else you?d rather be with?? Her patient shrugged a little again. ?Are you in a relationship with anyone else, Jewell??

Her eyes opened and she scowled. It was kind of a sore point with her. ?No.?

?What about Ishmerai??

?No no no. That?s different. Ishmerai is my knight. That?s how it always has to be.?

?What about Harris, then? You mention him a lot.?

Jewell sighed, ?Maybe that could have worked. He?s with someone else, and I respect that, so we?re just friends.?

?Do you want to be in a relationship??

?I don?t know. They all end so badly. I just.. I don?t know if I can take it anymore. It?s easier just to be casual. Go out to a bar. Let guys buy me drinks. Let them kiss me, touch me, make me feel special for a little while, and then wave goodbye. But it?s just..? her brows knit together as her voice dropped, ?so lonely.?

?Was Stephen the love of your life, Jewell??

?I..? she pressed her lips together, thinking over that a moment. ?I don?t know if I believe in such things like that.. like soul mates and ?the one?,? she made air quotes with her hands. ?But if that does exist then..? she trailed off, her voice almost whisper quiet, ?then I guess Stephen would be it for me.?

?And are you telling me then that if he was available, if he wanted to be with you again, you would say no??

?No! Well.. yes.. I don?t know,? she stomped her foot in frustration. ?I don?t think it?s worth talking about because I don?t think he is available because why wouldn?t he just come out and say it? So he can?t be, even though he was talking like that.. and he said he wanted to talk honestly with me and..?

Helen interrupted her before she started to babble, ?Why didn?t you just ask him??

Jewell gaped for a moment before scowling at her, ?You know, Dr. Bronner, you make these things sound so easy.?

?Carrying over from our last session, Jewell, you had mentioned identity.?

?Yeah,? she nodded, fingers laced together and holding her right knee to her chest. ?I remember.?

?You had mentioned that your identity as a mother in RhyDin was basically haunting you, but this had not really been a problem in other places??

?No, it hasn?t. And I guess part of that is in other places, I?ve always been a part of something bigger?something else was always going on. I always had other identities or occupations to keep me busy. In Faerie, I was helping to run a whole kingdom. And there were parties and one extravagant event after another to keep me busy when I wasn?t absorbed in my work. Same thing for my brief time on Earth.? Helen?s ears perked up a bit at that since her patient rarely if ever mentioned her time on Earth. ?I kept busy. There was almost always something to do. People to look after. Things to take care of.?

?And here in RhyDin??

Jewell shrugged, ?Not so much.?

Helen shook her head a little, smiling at the deceptively young looking woman across from her. ?I?m afraid to tell you this, Jewell, but I think you are simply bored.?

She laughed, releasing her knee and planting both feet on the ground again, ?I am bored.?

?And that?s a big problem for you. It not only leaves you without an identity aside from that of being a mother, but it gives you too much time to think, to dwell on things you cannot currently change.?

?Makes sense. So what?s the solution, doc??

?Clearly, you need to find something to occupy your time. Perhaps something that gives you a new identity??

The blue-haired woman groaned, ?But what? I try to keep busy. I duel sometimes. I go out on plenty of terrible dates. I scout the streets to help Issy out at night. I re-opened my restaurant, but that basically runs itself. I do normal stuff with Harris, like midnight ultimate frisbee. What else is there to do??

Helen smiled patiently, ?Something meaningful, dear. All those things are very nice, but your heart isn?t really in any of them. I know you probably do not need the money, but what about some sort of job or business you can run that will keep you busier than the restaurant??

?Meaningful... like helping other people?? She couldn?t quite hide the distaste in her tone.

?Not exactly. It could be entirely selfish and self-serving, if you would prefer.?

?Like a hobby??

?Sure. Or maybe a business like I mentioned. Try and think of a few things, especially anything you might be passionate about. We can discuss them together and plan it out to see if it will do the job and get you out of this slump.?

?I see that you?re a blonde now,? Helen remarked with surprise as Jewell swept into her office like an Empress?everything about her so well put together yet seemingly effortless?and took a seat on the couch.

?Yes,? Jewell took a piece of her hair, wrapping it about her finger. ?I lost a bet and a duel. What do you think of it??

?Stunning.?

?Isn?t it?? she agreed with a smile. It was hard to be offended by the blonde?s lack of modesty when she spoke without a hint of haughtiness. She was beautiful and that?s just the way the world worked. ?I can wear all sorts of colors that usually clash with my hair. And it?s nice to have a bit of change now and then.?

?I?m sure,? Dr. Bronner agreed. ?I think everyone enjoys a fresh, new look at times.?

?I can see why. Sometimes I just want to change my hair.. change my looks.. my face.. change everything and disappear into the crowd.? Jewell paused, the twirling of her hair a bit more absent-minded now. ?It?s just nice to pretend that I can be someone different for a while. Re-invent myself.?

?Why do you have to pretend? Why can?t you just do it??

She shrugged, releasing the bit of hair she had trapped earlier. ?I don?t know. Maybe I?m too rooted in the past, too scarred and broken by it to move on.?

?I think that might just be an excuse, Jewell. A person is never too old to change.?

?Yes, Dr. Bronner, that is true. But they have to want to change.?

?Knowing your history and seeing you so bruised has me a little concerned,? Dr. Bronner remarked to one of her most interesting patients. Today, Jewell had her blue hair pulled back almost as if to highlight the deep blues and purples that colored her face and matched those on her bare arms and legs.

The Empress laughed, sitting back on the couch and crossing her legs. ?An inevitable result of enjoying the duels, I?m afraid,? she wrote it off with a dismissive way.

?I?m not so sure that?s all it is.?

Jewell shrugged. She was being asked for an explanation she wasn?t quite ready to give. Her eyes wandered from Dr. Bronner as she became engrossed by a crack that ran along the wall. Helen let her sit as time literally ticked away on the wall-clock. Five minutes. Ten. Just when she was ready to attempt to re-start the conversation, Jewell turned and looked at her, eyes shining from the threat of tears that she kept in check. ?You know what the worst part of this week has been?? Her smile twisted unpleasantly with irony only she could appreciate because Helen was not aware of what had happened, ?It was finding out that no matter how much time has passed, despite all the trauma and heartache I?ve been through, I still can?t shake my oldest demons.?

Helen Bronner stayed quiet, knowing that Jewell would continue at her own pace. After a pause, she did: ?Do you know he yelled at me the other night??

?Who??

?Stephen Kidd. He had the audacity to yell at me,? she bristled momentarily, but her anger couldn?t endure in the face of the memory. It really just made her sad.

?What did he say??

?I was trying to leave. I didn?t want to be a part of the conversation anymore. It was awful, and if I stayed there for another minute, I was probably going to just pull my hair out. But when I went to stand, he yelled at me. He told me to sit back down.?

?And what did you do?? Helen asked more gently this time.

?I sat back down.? Jewell shook her head incredulously, ?I sat back down like the little fool that I am because two hundred years may have passed by, but I cannot erase that part of me. I am still that girl, that child, who flinched away from a raised hand, who groveled at the first sign of displeasure.? Her teeth clamped down on the inside of her cheek. When it came down to it, Stephen yelling at her (which maybe had happened once in the entirety of their relationship) was not the upsetting part. She was disgusted and distressed by her own behavior. ?You know, there was a time before they took my magic away from me when I could have gone toe-to-toe with some of the most fearsome people I have ever met without any hesitation. Even now, I probably wouldn?t hesitate. But then all it takes is a man, someone I care for, to speak to me like that, and you?d think I was just a spineless little weakling. Cowed by someone?s raised voice. Undone by fingers roughly grasping my wrist. It happens every time, but it shouldn?t be like this anymore. I destroyed that nightmare a long time ago, but still it comes back to haunt me as if it never left.? Frustration curled her fingers into fists, nails biting into her palms. ?Why??

?Here?s the problem as I see it. I've had hundreds of years to come to terms with everything: the end of our relationship, leaving RhyDin, what happened to the children,? amazingly, she was able to say it out loud without turning into a complete teary mess. ?I won?t say I was happy with any of it, but I have learned to accept it. I think Stephen tried to move on, but he hasn't had enough time. It?s like.. he sees me and suddenly all that we went through together just happened yesterday for him. And it?s confusing as hell. I get that. I really do because sometimes I feel it too, that the past is just within reach. And for a moment I feel like that girl again and that there?s nothing standing in the way of us being together or me just resuming my life the way it was before. But then there's all this.." she grasped for the word, "living that I have done. Too much living to make going back possible. But Stephen doesn't have that, so he's clinging to the past. He's blinded by the temptation of it. Suddenly, he needs to do something about it, right all those wrongs that he just let lie."

?Do you ever think that maybe he truly does love you? That?s why he can?t let go??

?No,? Jewell?s brow furrowed and she shook her head. ?I don?t think that?s it. I?ve thought about this.. a lot. And here?s the problem I find. Even before I left RhyDin, we weren?t together. Maybe a part of both of us wanted to be.. but it wasn?t working. And he was moving on already then. He had met Diana. I knew they were.. something when I went to him that night, that night when I watched everything burn. And I knew he loved me, but I also knew.. I believed that he would be able to move on.?

?But did he??

?Yes. I mean, he married someone mere months after I left. Isn?t that proof enough?? Jewell wasn?t just stating it, she was truly asking. She was seeking confirmation of the truth she was trying to create out of her muddled life.

Helen reluctantly agreed, ?It does seem like he was able to move on, at least on the surface. But how do you account for his actions now, then? If he isn?t in love with you, Jewell, he is doing a fabulous job of pretending to be.?

?Simple,? Jewell sat back against the couch cushions, arms crossing at her chest as she stated the answer to everything: ?Glamour.?

?Glamour?? Dr. Bronner was puzzled. ?Isn?t that a part of your magic??

?Mmhmm..?

?I?m afraid I don?t understand what it has to do with the situation.?

Jewell relaxed her arms, running a hand through her hair as she tried to think of the best way to explain this simply. ?Okay. So glamour is a major part of any Faerie of Fae?s magic. We don?t consider it magic, but that?s really a discussion for another time. A portion of glamour is illusion magic; it?s what lets me change my appearance and even my physical size, although this,? she gestured to herself, ?is as large as I can physically become. I can do more than simple illusions like that though; I can craft full-scale illusions, so life-like that if I stabbed you with my glamoured sword, I could kill you.? She wrinkled her nose, ?I?m sure that sounds confusing, but the point I was trying to get at is that glamour is about illusions, but it is also so much more than that. It is something that is intrinsic to me and it can have an effect on people. Say.. making someone desire me and me only. I can make that happen willingly, but part of it is also beyond my control because of the inherent nature of it.?

?I think I?m following you..? Helen trailed off though because she wasn?t quite sure where the conversation was heading.

?Basically, I can affect people without meaning to. People, especially mortals, are drawn to my glamour. For some, it just means they are attracted to my personality and they enjoy being around me. But it can go further than that. Some can become enchanted..?

?Wait. You think Stephen Kidd is simply enchanted by you, under some glamoured spell?? Jewell nodded. ?I am sorry dear, but I really cannot believe that. I think you have missed the mark on this one.?

She held her hands up, ?Just hear me out. I separate from Stephen and we spend a lot of time apart. He starts seeing someone else. I then leave RhyDin, taking myself completely out of his life, and he is able to really move on with his life. He gets married. He?s happy enough, I think.?

?Okay..?

?Then I come back. Suddenly? He?s in love with me. He makes a mess of his marriage because he wants to be with me.. or does he? He?s not even sure.? Rather than be proud of her ability to entrap a man so, Jewell looked close to being physically ill as she continued with her theorizing. ?The longer I?m here.. the more mad he is driven until he?s gone off on this wild chase after I don?t even know what.? Dr. Bronner wasn?t fully convinced, but there was something to Jewell?s telling of events that made her hesitate from challenging the woman. ?I have done some truly despicable things in my life, but I hate myself the most for coming back to this place and doing that to someone I love.?

?Well Jewell, it?s been a few weeks since I?ve seen you. I hope things have been going well?? Over the course of their sessions together, the winter cold had given way to warm air blowing in through the open windows, teasing the curtains into a dance.

The Faerie toyed absently with the hem of her light sundress, ?Well enough.?

?So you haven?t just been missing from my office because you were off having some major meltdown and refusing to leave your house??

?Not today,? she smirked. ?Not at all, actually. I?ve just been keeping busy. You said that was the key to finding balance again, so that?s what I?ve been doing.?

?Oh? And how have you been keeping busy? Still training for the different dueling venues??

?Some of that. Unfortunately, Kalamere lost his barony when I came back from my little trip, so no more sword fighting lessons from him.?

Helen tried to restrain her smile a little, ?That must have been quite a loss for you.?

?It was. It really was,? Jewell sighed long-sufferingly, but there was something playful about the whole affectation: the tone of her voice, the upward turning of her lips at the corners, the relaxed curve of her shoulders. It was a nice change from the troubled young woman, seriously entrenched in her troubles, harming herself just to keep a measure of control. ?I have the option of continuing to train with Claire, but.. well no offense to Claire, but I find Kal more attractive.?

?And is attractiveness a normal requirement for someone teaching you?? Helen couldn?t hide her amusement now.

?Of course not, Dr. Bronner,? Jewell scoffed. ?Don?t be silly.? She paused a moment, her grin widening, ?But it certainly doesn?t hurt.?

?Seems like it would be more of a distraction than anything,? the doctor countered.

Jewell shrugged, unabashed, ?A welcome one.? There was no shame evident for the fact that she had perhaps been spending less time learning about sword fighting and more time studying the color of her teacher?s eyes. She liked that particular shade of blue.

?Do you still see your former teacher now that your training is over??

?Kalamere? Yeah.. I suppose you could say I see him pretty often.? The way the doctor?s eyebrows rose in question caused Jewell to blush faintly. The constant stream of assumptions and insinuations regarding exactly what Jewell and Kalamere were up to together was infuriating at times, provoking this justification: ?I mean, of course I still see him at the dueling venues. Sometimes we go out for a drink. Maybe he?ll walk me home, or I?ll stop by The Line just to say hi when he?s not too busy.?

?Sounds very nice and normal,? Helen ventured carefully.

?I guess.? She shook her head, her voice developing a defensive edge, ?Look.. I don?t really spend hours and hours thinking it over every which way. I enjoy spending time with him, so I spend time with him. It?s really that simple: two people occasionally spending time together.?

Dr. Bronner lifted her hands up in a gesture meant to pacify her patient, ?I apologize. I did not mean to offend.?

Jewell waved the gesture way, ?No no. It?s not you. It just seems like everyone has something to say about how much time I?ve been spending with him and making a big deal about it. It?s a little ridiculous.?

?I?m sure your friends are just invested in your happiness.?

?Yeah,? she grabbed up a few strands of blue hair, braiding them together, ?I know. They?re all nuts though and driving me crazy.?

?That?s what friends do.? The two women shared a wry smile. ?So, why do you like spending time with Kalamere??

?Why?? Her brow furrowed as her hands stilled, the little braid unraveling. Clearly, when she said that she didn?t spend hours thinking over whatever it was that she was doing with Kalamere, she meant it. He was her friend. Her friend who she happened to enjoy kissing. ?Hmm.. did I mention that he?s good looking??

Helen made a show of checking her notes, ?Yes. Several times in fact.?

?Right.? She teased her lips with the tips of her hair. ?I enjoy talking with him. Like.. he makes it easy to do because if I don?t want to talk about something, he?s going to push the issue. New subject, no problem.? Jewell relaxed into the couch, letting her captured hair fall back to her shoulder. ?I guess we have some stuff in common, and he doesn?t seem easily put-off by crazy family or friends, who are his friends too.? She narrowed her eyes, focused on nothing, as she tried to pin down something else: ?There?s also something a little mysterious about him. You don?t spend time with him once and know everything about him. I like that.?

?Probably keeps things interesting that way.?

?Yeah.. like there?s always something new to learn?? The inside of her cheek was subjected to a thoughtful little nibble. ?Oh! I like that he hasn?t turned out to be some over-protective monster like most of the men in my life?friend, family, or other?transform into. I mean.. I know that I am small and that I?m not some sort of magical powerhouse anymore, but I?m pretty capable of taking care of myself. I remember there was this one guy I was maybe a little interested in,? apparently not very interested though because she couldn?t bother to remember his name, ?and he pulled me off this girl I was fighting once. She had said something really insulting, and I had just started swinging.. and he grabbed me out of the fight!? The poor man, thinking to gain a few points by playing the white knight, had doomed any chance of spending time with the blue-haired Empress after that. ?And Stephen always said he promised to take care of me, but I don?t need or want people to take care of me. It?s condescending and rude.?

?People feel protective of those they care about.?

?I know, I get that. I?m not saying I don?t want people to care, and it?s not like I haven?t acted that way towards other people too.? She grasped a moment to put her feelings into words, ?Just... treat me like the adult that I am. I don?t need to be talked down to. I don?t need to be handled with kid gloves. And I don?t need to be protected.?

?Not even from yourself?? Helen challenged.

Her lips turned in a quirky smile, ?I thought that?s what I had you for??

?Sometimes, I am not sure which me is the real me.?

?Am I the laughing, flighty woman who reigns as social queen in the bar room??

?Am I the serious woman who doesn?t even know how to craft a real smile, cold and disconnected from everyone around her??

?When I stop pretending, what?s left? Which one am I? Am I always pretending so there is nothing else? Or am I never pretending??

?And why do I have these moments of identity crisis? Why do I not just know who I am??

Helen ventured a guess, ?If I had to say, Jewell, I think it is because you have long ago learned to adapt to different situations. You learned to craft yourself into whatever the situation demanded. For RhyDin, it was smiling bright, being a people pleaser, the darling socialite. For Faerie, you needed to be cold and in control.?

?But then who am I when I don?t need to be anything else? Who am I when I am just me??

There is a clearing in the woods outside of RhyDin that holds a dilapidated building at its heart. Scattered around it are piles of rotting wood that had once been other structures. Time has dealt harshly with this sanctuary for women, worn and wearied by difficult lives, who liked to host tea parties and pretend to be little girls again in the moments snuck between heartache and disaster. The site of the Forsaken Blades? clubhouse may have been the only place Jewell ever truly knew herself, and so she went there to see if there was anything left to find. Notebook in hand, she settled amongst the overgrown grass near to where she thought a mud puddle called a pond once stood, inhabited by a rather unfortunate dolphin. Flipping through the pages of the notebook, with its appropriate blue cover, she searched for the most harmless question.

What is your most treasured possession?
The portraits of my children are not possessions. To think of them as such would mean that they are nothing more than that: they are no longer my living, breathing children but mere decorations for my wall that represent what once was. Besides, people are not possessions. They should not be. I have been a possession before, someone?s most treasured, and I would not wish that on anyone.

My memory is really my most treasured possession. I do not always dream as mortals do. Instead, at times I walk through the pages of my personal history, reliving moments and memories. In these elvish dreams, I hear my daughter?s laughter as she runs through a house lost to the past and smile. I feel Robin?s fingers encircle my wrist and cry. I live through tea parties and duels and nights spent bartending. In my mind, I can recreate memories I no longer even remember: my mother?s hand stroking my hair or my father?s deep voice. I hold on to these memories because they are the greatest treasures I have.

There was a time I had many material possessions. I filled my home and life with them. Each one was precious. Each one was a piece of me that, when put together, told the story of my life. But each and every one of them is long gone. The few that I saved from the fire were taken from me. I do not have very many possessions these days. My large house is empty, and I dare not fill it again.

I say that I dare not because I am afraid. I say I dare not, yet I do it all the same. I am a collector of things. Things represent memories and so I keep them against the passing of time, against my better judgment. I am always so afraid that these gifts, these pieces of my memory, will burn again, float away through the air. Ishmerai has found for me perhaps the best present of all: a fireproof safe. In it I will restart my collection of things: a flower pressed from this year?s Beltane celebration, a feather from my masque dress, a flier advertising an IFL fight, a photograph. Maybe I can rebuild myself. Maybe I can make myself fireproof.

What are your strengths?
Can I answer ?what are my strengths?? with.. strength?

That just looks dumb when I write it down, but I think it is true.

Throw anything at me. I can take it.

You kidnap and kill those I love?

You subjugate my body and rape my soul?

You can?t stop me. Feel free to try again.

I didn?t used to know my own strength. When I was crumbling under the crushing weight of trials, how could I possibly know that I was strong enough to survive them? No.. not just survive. There have been times when all I did was simply survive and go through the motions of life. But I know now that I am strong enough to survive and then let life continue afterwards. Real life. Actual living.

My strength is a stubborn strength. A strength that refuses to give in even when I want to. And haven?t I wanted to? So so many times.

Maybe I?m strong in other ways. I can be conniving. I can be manipulative. I can be sweet and charming or cruel and heartless. I can be whatever I need to be. Adapt. Adjust. Change. Comply. Conform. Blonde, brunette, or red-head. Weak or strong. Coy and charming. Any situation. Any time.

By adapting, I survive.

When and where were you the happiest?
RhyDin.

RhyDin has always been my refuge. It is the only place where, if there is such a thing, I have known perfect happiness. The memory of this city was a thread of hope that kept me alive in my darkest hour. When nothing else mattered and life seemed a waste, I thought of RhyDin again.

That?s why I came back. I deluded myself. I thought I could find my past happiness again, even without my children, here in RhyDin. I know better now. I think I can find a happiness again, but it is not that happiness.

I must learn to be okay with that. There will always be other happinesses.

Where would you like to live?
On a deserted, tropical island with a handsome man.

Sounds nice, right?

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My greatest achievement is..

I think..

Ugh. I guess my greatest achievement is not killing myself by accident or on purpose.

Mother of Nature that?s morbid.

Okay. Never mind. Be serious. My greatest achievement..

I achieved greatness in Faerie. I stretched my wings, and I went so high that they had to clip them. They had to bring me back down. I helped conquer armies and charm the courts. I made deals and alliances. I took lives. My name is known through many parts of the Summerlands: whispered in admiration and hatred. But none of those things I achieved were truly great. They are meaningless to me.

My children. They are perhaps not an achievement, but they are the greatest part of me.

Life is a funny thing sometimes. I never wanted children.

Wait. That?s a lie.

There was a time I did want children. I thought having children meant I would finally have someone, a family, that would love me. I would have someone to care for and nurture. I wouldn?t be alone anymore. I thought a child could give my life meaning. Give me meaning. Make me worthwhile. Make me somebody. A child would mean I was not worthless.

A poor little fool?s hopes and dreams. They were crushed so far away and long ago. I don?t even know that girl anymore.

After that, I didn?t want children. That is not a lie. Maybe it?s a partial one. The responsibility, the lack of freedom, the selflessness, nurturing, kind, sweet, motherly. I wasn?t made for those things! I am not those things. They are foreign to me. I was made to be free. I love my freedom. But having my children, loving them.. they brought out the best part of me.

Keeping them alive and happy and well against my own inclinations and nature and all the odds and enemies against us was my greatest achievement.

I suppose that makes me an epic failure.

What are you ashamed of?
Where do I even begin? If I start a list, will there ever be an end?

Losing my children and being unable to save them. There is no greater shame than this.

Losing the greater part of my magic. I am ashamed of allowing my magic to be taken from me.

The many terrible things I did in the name of the Ta-Neer family.

My inability to maintain a healthy relationship. Clearly there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

I am ashamed of how desperate I have been for love. It?s pathetic.

I am ashamed because love makes me weak and vulnerable when all I want to be is strong and untouchable.

I am ashamed that I am not stronger. I am not strong enough to control my emotions. I am not strong enough to appear cool and unaffected. I am not strong enough to check my tears. I fall to pieces and break apart.

I am ashamed of the sympathy I feel at times for others because it is a weakness. I do not want to have fellow-feeling for those downtrodden and pressed upon. I do not want to care. Life is hard. If you can?t hack it? Get out. I had to fight and that has made me strong. I will not be dragged down.

I should be ashamed by my trust. What is it about RhyDin that makes me drop my guard? I cannot help but surrender to the city?s magic and the warmth of its denizens.

I carry the weight of shame for being a terrible wife.

I am ashamed of my body?s limitations.

My inability to move on from things is shameful. They linger in my mind and heart, bringing me the familiar weaknesses of the past.

The wounds I inflict upon myself: each one is a sign of weakness, the inability to control myself, a punishment. They are shameful scars.

What are your faults and weaknesses?
I?m not really sure those terms are mutually exclusive. A weakness is not necessarily a fault and a fault isn?t necessarily a weakness. I like to be aware of my faults because they can certainly lead to weakness.

I am a person who, in the past, has easily given way to anger. Marc Franco didn?t call me Lil Miss Anger Management without cause. However, in giving way to anger, I exposed myself to the weakness of acting irrationally or without forethought. I have taken great strides to remain more level headed in most situations.

I am occasionally impulsive. I don?t always think things through. Ishmerai says I am rash because I react emotionally first before I let my brain catch up.

I am a fool for compliments.

I am not as guarded as I should be. I trust too easily. I let people get too close to me. These are faults that are certainly weaknesses.

I crave control.

Love and attachment are not faults but they are weaknesses. How can I be faulted for something that comes so naturally to me?

What does love mean?
To put someone before yourself in all ways: before your own personal satisfaction, safety, desires, and ambition. When you do that, it means you have crossed over lust, like and fondness into the realm of love.

There are very few people left that I love.

What do you love about life?
I love the thrill of a fight.

I love the rush of adrenaline when doing something I shouldn?t.

I love to be in control and do what I want.

I love the gentle brush of someone?s hand against my face.

I love the burning sting of my fist connecting with someone?s jaw.

I love the sound of the ocean and laughing and taking my shoes off to dance in a patch of moon-light. I love kissing and ice cream and taking ridiculously long baths. I love to sing when no one can hear me and the warmth of sunshine on my face. I love to play pretend and make people hurt when they deserve it. I love pretty dresses and compliments. I love being silly with my friends. I love having friends to be silly with. I love pretty dresses and things that sparkle. I love dizzying heights and forget-me-nots and the company of a loved one. I love winning and being right and pizza. I love walking on the beach at night and the sound of beautiful music.

I love waking up every morning and hearing the hum of the city all around me and knowing that I am alive to live in RhyDin once more.

?So what did you think of my little writing exercise, Jewell?? Helen asked, curious and unable to read the casually guarded expression on her patient?s face.

?Oh.. it was fine. I suppose it gave me some good insight into myself or something like that.?

?Wonderful!? Dr. Bronner was not put-off by the way she had to needle information out of Jewell. Their conversations often required such techniques to get the Faerie talking. ?Would you feel comfortable sharing some of the entries with me??

The troublesome Empress grinned, settling back comfortably on the couch. ?Well I would. Except I burned it.?

?You what??

?I burned it. The whole damn thing.? At Helen?s uncomprehending expression, Jewell slowed her words down: ?I finished writing in the notebook, looked through it for a few minutes, and then found a metal bucket and a box of matches and lit it on fire.?

?I.. why??

She shrugged. ?It seemed like a good idea at the time. You told me to be as honest as I could in the notebook, so I was. I can?t have something like that falling into the wrong hands now, can I? No one should know what much about me. So I turned it to ash.?

She looked small and vulnerable, rather different from that woman who had claimed a victory in the Iron Fists Garden just the night before. Her elbows dug into her thighs as she cushioned her chin in her hand, badly bruised arms neither hidden nor disguised. ?You go along thinking you?re fine.. but then the cracks and fissures start to show and you realize you?re not.? Helen Bronner, who had seen Jewell more sporadically in recent months, just let her talk. ?Did you know that my first attempts at really mastering glamour was to hide the bruises he would leave on my body?? For some reason, The Empress smirked. ?It seems so long ago most of the time. A different lifetime. A different me.? Her eyes found the bruises on her arms again and saw them repeated a dozen times, fifty, a hundred. Bruises decorating every inch of her body. ?But then during weeks like this.. it?s different. Those memories feel more recent. Immediate. And I realize that a hundred years can pass, but not a single damn thing has changed.?

?I think a lot has changed, Jewell. You?re an incredibly strong woman. You just have faults, fears, and insecurities the same as everyone else.?

She just shrugged. ?You know the funny part about all of this,? waving her hand, a gesture that somehow indicated the whole mess her week had been. ?There would certainly be horrific irony if the article was true and I actually was pregnant. All Stephen ever wanted was a baby. He wanted us to have a family together. But I couldn?t.. wouldn?t give him one.? She wondered a moment which one it really was: wouldn?t or couldn?t? ?And then I get pregnant with a guy who I?m pretty sure would go into hiding and never return if I really was pregnant.? Jewell laughed, a rusty sound with just a hint of desperation. ?I would run and hide too. Who in their right mind would ever want me to be a mother to their children, anyway? I?m a mockery of womanhood. Oh yes, I can dance, play music and sing, paint, make polite conversation, be charming, smile and say a million simple and vapid things, but I can?t... I?m not...? she buried her face in her hands, shaking her head back and forth.

?There is nothing wrong with any of those things,? Dr. Bronner reminded her kindly.

Jewell let her hands slide away from her face, ?Then why do I always feel like they make me less than others? Less.. important. Less lovable. Less worthy.?

?Because you are always in a state of punishing yourself, Jewell.? It was a subject they had been over countless times now. ?Earlier, you mentioned some good advice your friend Tara had given you. What was it again??

?She basically told me I need to stop clinging to the past and being so.. regretful. I need to enjoy what I have now. To love what I have now.? It had been hard to hear that from her bestie, who she knew would only tell her the truth. Her words had cut through all the pretense and playful facade.

?Don?t you think that starts with loving yourself first??