The Tree and the Reed
"Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"

"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."

"Safe!" sneered the Tree. "Who shall pluck me up by the roots or bow my head to the ground?"

But it soon had to repent of its boasting, for a hurricane arose which tore it up from its roots, and cast it a useless log on the ground.

On the other hand, the little Reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over.

?So, we?ll want to keep her for observations overnight.? The teen looked up as the doctor came out of the hospital room, her backpack clutched to her chest. The calm and control she had exuded on the ride over had deteriorated. She was close to tears. ?She can go home again in the morning though if everything checks out.?

?Is she...? she wiped furiously at her eyes, ?will she be okay? Is there going to be more permanent damage? She couldn?t breathe. She was hyperventilating and she said she couldn?t feel her arm and her chest hurt and I just...?

?Sapphire, she is not going to die. Okay?? She nodded, sniffling wetly. ?You did the right thing in bringing her back here so quickly. We just want to make sure her body is getting the oxygen it needs and her heart rate evens out before we send her home again.?

?So she?ll be okay??

?As okay as she can be, yes. But this is likely going to set her recovery back a few days. These are the kinds of shocks to her system we warned her about avoiding.?

?I know.? She tightened her hold on her backpack, frustrated. ?I asked her not to go. But she insisted and I just? She didn?t listen.?

He nodded. ?I?ll recommend again that she visit her psychologist. Try to encourage her to set up that appointment, okay?? Sapphire bit at the inside of her cheek and nodded. ?Also, whatever she drank likely interfered with the medication she?s been taking. She really needs to avoid that.?

She shook her head. ?I told her. I told her not to drink. She knows she?s not supposed to. I don?t know what she was thinking.?

?She?s been through a lot of trauma. I?m not sure she was thinking.?

?Yeah??

?Fortunately,? he flipped through Jewell?s chart, locating her blood work, ?it doesn?t look like she imbibed a lot and coupled with how her body synthesizes mortal spirits, the damage was limited, but she really does need to stay away from drinking anything alcoholic for the time being.?

?Okay.?

?As for permanent damage,? the doctor flipped back to the top paper in his hands.

?If he hurt her more?? the teen interrupted, trailing off darkly, blue eyes narrowed and teeth grinding together.

Dr. Carson smiled, ?Let?s not go stabbing Cupid, all right? I don?t need you creating more work for me.? That got the smile he was looking for. ?We?re still not entirely sure how much permanent damage there was going to be to begin with. I looked but I have not found any cases where a faerie recovered from iron to the heart. Ever. Not in RhyDin at least. We?re just not sure about the lingering effects of the iron touching the muscle and surrounding tissue. Only time will tell. She may still want to consider a trip to Faerie eventually, but we can wait and see about that. Otherwise? We will hope for the best.?

She let her bag slip to the ground so she could grasp his hand, ?Thank you! Thank you, Dr. Carson. You?re the best.

?You?re very welcome. You should be able to go in and see her now. She?s sedated though.?

?Right, okay.? She grabbed the top of her bag to haul it off the floor.

?And Sapphire?? Dr. Carson had taken a few steps down the hall before he turned back, approaching the blue haired teen again. ?Remember, avoid anything that will tax or put a strain on her heart. It?s very weak.?

Sapphire treated her like a porcelain doll all day on Wednesday when they got home from the hospital for the second time in one week. That was fine. Jewell felt like she was made of porcelain. She had to sit down on the teak bench while Sapphire flitted around the bathroom to draw her a bath; she was out of breath after pulling her shirt up over her head; and she needed the teen?s help to get into the soaking tub.

?Remember, not too hot, okay??

?Got it.?

?And you?ll shout if you need something??

?I will.?

?You?ve got your pillow, I put the relaxing bath salts in, you have a glass of water. I put your book here in case you want to read, and??

?Sapphire,? she waited until the young woman looked her in the eyes, ?I?ll be okay.?

She hesitated and then nodded. ?Okay. I?ll just be right down the hall. You know, if you need anything.?

?Okay.?

?And don?t try to get out of the tub by yourself!?

?I won?t.?

When she left, Jewell sunk down into the steaming water until it came up to her chin. Then just a little bit further until it hit against her lower lip. She wondered briefly what it would be like if she just kept sinking. She could sink so far that the water covered her mouth. Then she could open her mouth and breathe in the water. It would fill her lungs and clog her ears. Eventually, her heart would stop. Again.

It would probably hurt, but so did being alive.

The doctor told her to avoid dwelling on anything that caused her stress, but as the hot water soothed away the physical aches still plaguing her, her mind couldn?t help but touch upon a much deeper pain that consumed her thoughts: her visit to The Line yesterday afternoon. She replayed the conversation with Kal over and over again in her head. She re-imagined it a million different ways. She imagined all the things she could have said instead; all the things she wished she had said; all the things she wished he had said.

And over and over, she heard him say the words that broke her heart: ?Might be I didn't see it. Might be I just didn't want to. Truth is I can't? I don't return it.?

Why didn?t he love her? If it wasn?t a matter of can?t, if he could love, what was so fundamentally wrong with her that he didn't love her? What was she missing? What was she lacking? What had she done wrong?

She wracked her brain.

Was she not pretty enough? Did she laugh too loud? Cry too much? Get into too much trouble? Was she not demure enough? Was it because she didn't sit there quietly, like a pretty picture? Was she too wild? Too unpredictable? Maybe she was boring? Uninteresting? Unexciting? Was she not smart enough? Dangerous enough? Was she not good in bed?

She thought there was plenty of evidence to the contrary on that last account, but that was the problem with rejection. Rejection made her question everything about herself. Jewell soaked in her bathtub and questioned the size of her thighs and breasts, the way her shoulders sloped, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her nose, the little overbite of her teeth, her height, her waist, her hips, the way her hair looked when she woke up, her laughter, her smile, the way she spoke, the way she ate, the way she drank a beer, the crinkles at the corners of her eyes when she was happy, and the way she cried when she was sad.

The weight of the rejection, the way it both undermined everything good she knew and felt about herself and confirmed everything bad she knew and felt about herself, sunk her. Jewell slid further down in the tub, letting the water fill her ears, her nose, and cover her head, all while wishing she had the courage to take a deep breath.

?I felt you die.?

She tightened her arms around him. He was sitting upright in her bed, legs stretched out before him and his back against the headboard. She was curled next to him, arms around his waist, and her face buried against his side.

Dawn wasn?t far off. They had been talking all night.

?I felt the iron stop your heart and then you were gone.?

Kal was right. Several bonds had been broken that night in Sanctuary. She had known it was true when she woke in the hospital. The bond between lady and knight, made long ago in Faerie, was only unto death.

His or hers.

?I thought it was over when the bomb went off. I thought you were going to die in my arms. I thought they had taken you from me.?

?I am still here.?

?But your oath??

?I will swear it again. You are alive now. That is all that matters.?

?I?m sorry.?

?There is nothing to be sorry about, Mira. You did what you felt needed to be done. And I am glad,? he hesitated, ?I am glad he was able to help when I could not.?

?He did. He saved me. I couldn?t stop them but he did.?

He gently stroked her hair. ?Did it hurt??

She closed her eyes. ?It did. But it was also a relief.?

Tuesdays were bad days.

Three weeks ago, her life had ended on a Tuesday.

Last week, her lover had rejected her on a Tuesday.

She wasn?t even willing to give this Tuesday a chance.

It was late in the afternoon but she hadn?t bothered to get out of bed. It wasn?t worth it. The medicine Ishmerai had injected into her thigh last night, when she couldn?t breathe and her heart was doing that awful thing where it didn?t work, was still lingering in her system, making her brain feel sluggish and her limbs heavy. It had been unfortunately necessary though. Letting him administer the emergency ?rescue medication? had been the only way to convince the knight not to bring her straight to the hospital after she had collapsed in the elevator on her way up from the Annex.

The Annex

Don?t think about it. Don?t think about it. Don?t think about it.

Someone knocked on her door. She peered up from the pillow she was trying to hide under. Ishmerai was standing there, concern furrowing his brow. He was always concerned these days. ?You awake, Mira??

She nodded, lifting her head and forcing herself to sit up, ?Yeah.? She noticed the two pieces of paper in his hand. ?Lirssa?s alignment change?? He nodded. That was to be expected. Still, her heart gave an uncomfortable twist. ?And what else??

?A challenge from Old Temple.? He crossed the room to hand them both to her.

She accepted them but did not read them. Not yet. ?I'm a little surprised. I didn't think he had the nerve.?

?If he had the nerve to lecture you in public like you are a child??

?True.?

?And you did banish him. I understand that this is a common countermeasure and well within the rules.?

She nodded, staring down at the two papers. A challenge. It was just a challenge. It was just part of a stupid game. A sport. None of it meant anything. So why did it still hurt so bad? The words on the paper blurred. That was fine. She didn?t want to read them anyway. She did not need to see what her friends had to say to her. Aric had already said enough the night before.

?And if there's anyone that knows what it's like to be close to death... or even die... it's me. But you need to put that aside, and stop ignoring the people that were there for you.?

?Do you want pity? To be babied because you almost died? That you can use that as an excuse to treat people who have done so much for you so badly??

?This was my attempt at giving you a chance to salvage loyalty. And all you had to do was talk to someone, and say a few words, maybe add an apology, and everything would have been fine. But if you want to act like this, wallowing in whatever it is that's got your head buried, then... so be it.?

All morning, she had tried to think of anything but the things Aric had said and managed to think of nothing else.

She needed to put it aside. She needed to stop wallowing. She needed to just get over it.

Jewell didn?t know how to get over the summoning. She didn?t know how to get over the Namekeeper?s voice in her head, the things the Temple had done to her, or the things they had made her do. She didn?t know how to put aside Kalamere calling to her and the way the iron shiv had felt as it slid between her ribs at the same moment as his lips touched her skin.

She didn?t know how to get over dying or being alive.

?Mira,? he ducked his head to the side to try and catch her eye, ?you knew this was a possibility.?

?I know.? She refused to look at him, staring stubbornly at the papers. One line on top caught her eye: ?Overlord, do you even know who your friends are anymore??

Lirssa

?But there is still time to fix it if you want. Make amends. Go back--?

?Back?? The papers curled inside her fist as she looked up at him. ?Back to what? Back to what Ishmerai? Our warm friendship of the last year? Back to Lirssa continuing to look at me with resentment over something I didn't stop? oh but wait, neither did she! Back to her keeping me at arm's length except for when it?s convenient or helpful for her not to? For when it serves her ends? Back to her Empress-ing me because she can't? she can?t even stand to say...?

Somewhere in the middle there, her quick anger had turned to hurt and the tears were starting again in earnest. There was a neverending supply.

?She doesn?t want anything to do with me. Even before the other night she didn?t. She couldn?t even look at me the other day.? Her voice trembled and her chest was heaving. ?And why would she? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? They saw what I really am.? Kalamere. Mallory. Lirssa. They had all seen her under the influence of her True Name. Aric hadn?t seen her, but he had obviously heard. Alain too. He knew, so he didn?t want to see her either. He didn?t want anything to do with her. His silence and absence said as much. ?I tried? I tried to keep them safe. I tried to save them. I asked him to stop me. To kill me. But the Temple? they? they ruined me.?

The knight sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to draw her up against him. ?I wish?? she sobbed brokenly, ?I wish he would have just let me die.?

Sapphire curled forward. The pressure was starting to get to her. She couldn?t go to sleep at night unless Jewell was asleep. She woke up early to make sure she was awake before her. She got up in the middle of the night to check on her.

The teen was tired. So damn tired.

?It would only be for a few days. Rest. Relax. See your parents. See your friends.?

?No.? She shook her head. ?I would have considered it the other day. She seemed to have such a nice time with Val. I thought maybe...? It didn?t really matter what she had thought or hoped. Jewell may take a step or two forward, but then she slid right back to the bottom again. The faerie had seemed more composed when she had come home from an afternoon with Valentina. Then she had another panic attack at the Inn.

She insisted she was fine. They all knew better.

?You saw her arms.?

The knight nodded once. ?I did.?

?She?s so stupid!? She leapt up, annoyed. Sapphire grabbed one of the dishes from the wrack and started to dry it off with a towel just to have something to do with her hands. ?She can?t even manage a strong enough glamour to cover them.?

Ishmerai watched her, still seated at the kitchen counter. ?I know.?

?I mean, what does she think?? She set the mixing bowl down with a loud clatter, still not fully dry, before grabbing the glass measuring cup. ?Does she think we?re too stupid to notice or something??

?She likely hopes we will just ignore it and overlook it.?

?Well? it?s stupid! And careless. And wreckless. Her body is still healing and then she goes and does dumb **** like this.? She set the measuring cup down and threw the towel towards the sink. She couldn?t look at the knight after her little outburst. Her shoulders hunched forward as her fingers found the edge of the countertop and curled around it. ?Do you think she?ll? you know,? she couldn?t quite say the words out loud, ?do something really stupid??

?I certainly hope she will not.?

?But you think she will try, don?t you?? He didn?t answer. She turned to look at him. ?Merai??

He sighed. ?If she has not attempted it yet, I would like to think that she will not. But she tried it at least once in Faerie. I think there is a chance she might try again.?

If Jewell was going to try something stupid, she couldn?t leave. She wouldn?t. Not even for a day. ?I?m staying then. Until she?s better.?

?All right.?

?And she?s going back to therapy too! I don?t care if I have to drag her by her hair.?

?And then I thrust at him, hiyah!? she thrust into the air with the spoon in her hand. ?Executed a masterful parry that had him begging for mercy on his knees. Ha ha ha ha!? She imitated her parry before tilting her chin up and laughing haughtily over her fallen opponent. ?And then I thwap!? the spoon cut through the air, ?took off his head with a high cut! Thank you, thank you,? she bowed to the imaginary cheering crowd before spinning to face Jewell. ?And that?s how it defeated the mighty Leviathan! What do you think??

Jewell was staring right through Sapphire to the clock ticking away on the wall. ?Do you think he looked okay??

Sapphire planted her hands on her hips. There was no way Jewell was asking about her opponent this evening. ?Arrrghgh! Ma-ma!?

She blinked, focusing on the annoyed teen standing before her with a spoon clenched in her hand. ?What??

?I was telling you about my fight? remember??

?Oh. Right. I?m sorry.?

She shook her head. ?You?re impossible.? She shoved Jewell?s feet out of her way so she could sit on the couch too. ?And he looked fine. I guess. You know, the same.? Jewell nodded and looked away. The teen frowned. ?Not wasting away or heartbroken or anything like some people.?

?Good.? She hugged the pillow she was clasping tighter against her chest.

?Did you expect him to be??

She could hear the edge of frustration creeping into Sapphire?s tone. It was there more and more often. She understood why. The girl was tired of watching her cry. She was tired of watching her be so hurt. So broken.

That was fine. Jewell was tired of crying. She was tired of being hurt. She was tired of being broken. But she didn?t know how to stop. The pain washed over her like a relentless tide, threatening to pull her under.

?No.? She shook her head. ?No, I didn?t expect him to be heartbroken at all. Why would he be? I never even touched his heart.? She didn?t sound bitter about it, just sad. She didn?t want Kal to be heartbroken. She really didn?t. She didn?t want him hurt like she was hurt. She had never wanted the power to break his heart. She had broken enough hearts. She didn?t want his too. She had never admitted to him that her very lack of power over him was one of his greatest appeals. Jewell did not want that power over him or anyone else. Not now. Likely not ever.

She was tired of people willing to die for her.

She did want to be missed though. She wanted to be important enough to be missed. Even just a little. It didn?t have to be enough for him to change his mind or even enough to make him regret it. She just wanted him to miss her in little moments when she wasn?t there wrangling dueling practice out of him, stealing him for unplanned lunch dates, stopping by for a late night drink, complimenting him into making her breakfast, and insisting on doing the dishes. She wanted him to miss her laughing over something Rath had done, sweet talking him into going away for the weekend, rubbing salve on his shoulders after a duel, or coaxing him into taking her to the hot springs. She wanted to be missed in the early morning hours when he tried to slide out of bed, unnoticed, on his way to a job and she woke up long enough to tell him, with a sleepy smile, to be careful.

She wanted to be missed just enough to validate that she was worth missing. That she was worth something.

She wanted him to miss her just a little like the way she missed him.

Tears were quickly filling her eyes again. She twisted, raising her shoulder and roughly wiping her cheek against it. If she let them continue, they might never stop. Sapphire sighed, giving her a few moments to cry before nudging at the faerie?s leg with her foot impatiently. Jewell laughed indignantly through her tears, nudging her back. ?Stop that.?

?You stop!? She nudged her again. ?Come on, mama. He?s not worth it. He?s not worth any of your tears.?

?He feels worth it.? Despite Sapphire?s comments and Ishmerai and Issy?s glowering, she couldn?t make herself feel differently. She couldn?t even make herself think differently.

She was missing her lover. She was missing her friend.

?He feels worth every single one.?

?Wait, so you just sat there quietly while he flirted with another woman??

She shrugged.

?You just sat there while he flirted with that trashy blonde again??

She frowned, drawing her knees closer to her chest with her arm around her legs.

?And you didn?t say a damn thing??

?Language,? she sighed out.

?Mama, COME ON! You are the ****ING EMPRESS--?

?Language!?

?--for ****?s sake! Give me a break. Stop pining over some guy who is either too blind to see what you?re worth or too much of a coward or?? she grasped for the right thing to say, ?whatever the hell is wrong with him.?

?There?s nothing wrong with him, Sapphire.? She sighed again, resting her chin on her knees and closing her eyes. She was so tired. ?It?s just me. There?s something wrong with me.?

?Okay, so then we just burn it??

?Yeah, that?s what Eva and Mase said.?

Sapphire laughed, ?Sounds like fun.? She poured a little chemical mixture from her workshop on the man?s button-up shirt that was crumpled up in the plastic bucket on the patio. ?What about the rest of that stuff? Are we burning it too??

Jewell looked down at the box on her lap. Inside was everything she gathered from her house that was connected to Kal. Several pairs of earrings, including the heart-shaped sapphires he bought her when she hit Sapphire rank in the Outback and the pair made up of a simple platinum chain and setting for blue pearls which he gave her for Beltane two years ago. Several shirts pilfered from his loft in addition to the one they were about to set on fire. A piece of paper with his handwriting on it. A pressed, dried magnolia flower. Newspaper clippings and tabloid pages. Several photographs from different events: the two of them kissing on New Year?s at EgoTrip, dancing at Rand and Val?s wedding, cheering on Royal Pain at a Hydra fight last summer, Jewell helping him out of the ring when Claire took Old Temple from him, fighting each other in the last Diamond Quest, her arms around him after she won Overlord for the first time. Then there was a drinking glass from The Line. An empty tin that once held breath mints. An unopened bottle of Badsider inside a velvet-lined, wooden box.

It was the sum total of their relationship. It was all she had left.

Except the memories.

His thumb brushing lightly across her cheek where she had been cut by iron. His hand wrapping around her smaller one when Sapphire was hurt last summer. A million midnight kisses. The way they moved effortlessly together when they danced. Late night swims and early morning dueling practice. The sound of his laughter and the shade of his eyes. Her fingers running through his hair. His voice calling her home.

?No. I?m not burning this stuff.?

?You gonna toss it though?? Jewell shook her head. ?Okay. We can always burn it later or take a hammer to the rest if you change your mind. Whatever works. I?m gonna go get the matches.?

The teen disappeared inside and the faerie looked over the box again, picking up one of the pictures. In it, a red-headed version of herself was standing with Kal, Kheld, Matt and Sylus. She didn?t need to flip it over to know what was written on the back in her neat handwriting: ?Team Hydra; Hydra 2014?. They were all posing for a photo op. She was standing next to her new mentor (who towered over her) with the golden scepter of Old Temple in her hand and the biggest grin on her face.

Jewell sighed, shoving it back into the box as Sapphire emerged waving the pack of matches. ?Let?s do this!?

?I hate matches,? the faerie grumbled as she set the box aside stood over the bucket with Sapphire.

?Just light one up.?

She did so gingerly, careful not to burn her fingertips. When she tossed the lit match into the bucket, the thing erupted with a woosh! and a burst of flames, sending both women skittering back away from it. ?Whoa!?

Sapphire laughed, ?Maybe I put too much of that stuff on it.?

Jewell grinned, the heat from the flames warming her face. ?Maybe just a little.?

They watched it together quietly. Sapphire reached over and touched her arm. Jewell stepped closer and leaned against her. ?Thanks? for doing this with me.?

?No problem.?

She didn?t feel any relief or freedom from doing this. Maybe that would come later.

Her brow suddenly furrowed in concern. ?Hey, is the bucket supposed to be melting??

?****!?

?I just? what did you expect from him? What did you think him not loving you all this time meant??

?I don?t know.? Her face was hot and red. Dark strands of hair were clinging to her wet cheeks as she looked up at Sapphire. ?Something else. Like? that he just didn?t love love me. Like we weren?t going to be soul mates or something or get married or build a life together. And I was okay with all that. I don?t need that kind of love? but that doesn?t mean I wanted his indifference. His apathy. His complete,? her whole frame shook, ?lack of caring. I thought we were at least friends,? she wiped uselessly at her eyes but the tears worked their way out, unabated, ?but apparently I don?t even deserve that.?

?Oh mama.? Unlike when she cried on Monday night and Kal just stood there, watching her, Sapphire settled on the floor next to her and leaned into her.

She appreciated the comfort of the girl sitting next to her, but the tears had already started and they had to see it through to the end now. ?Every time I think I?m getting better, it just comes crashing down on me all over again. Why? Why doesn?t he care about me? Even a little??

Sapphire stretched her legs out in front of her, rocking her running sneakers back and forth. She started slowly and carefully. ?I think that he does? I mean, he has to. How could he not? You?ve been friends for too long. And why else would he have helped you? Why would he have saved your life when he didn?t have to if he didn?t care??

?But if he saved me because he cared? why not visit to make sure I was okay? He?s sneaky. He could have done it without causing trouble. He could have done it if he wanted to. He just didn?t want to. He didn?t even want to wait two weeks to say goodbye. He was doing me a favor waiting that long. He said he didn?t want to compound things. How?? her voice broke, ?kind! As if all of this was just going to go away once I was out of the hospital. As if I?d suddenly be able to handle it. As if I wasn?t going to still be so? so broken!?

She rested her forehead on her knees and just sobbed while Sapphire grasped for something to say. Something to explain the unexplainable. ?Maybe? maybe that?s just his way. Maybe he doesn?t know how to show he cares.?

?Well, it?s the ****ing worst way ever!? She sat up, wiping her nose on her sleeve, the epitome of a fine faerie lady. ?If he really cared about me, how could he just walk away when I needed him like that? I told him I needed him and he just stood there and watched me cry. And it?s not like?? her gasping breaths approached hyperventilation level. Sapphire rubbed her back, trying to get her to calm down, but she let her keep talking. She needed to get this out. ?It?s not like I needed him there as a lover. I couldn?t **** even if I wanted to. I didn?t need a lover. I needed my friend. And I tried to tell him that. I tried. And he just looked at me. He told me we would have just had our conversation sooner. And he told me that he was seeing someone new. And he just watched me cry like I meant? nothing.?

She folded her arms on her knees and buried her face against them, the last of her lament muffled. ?I just? I want this to be done. I want him to go away. And I want him to come back. I want to have never met him. I want to forget all of this. I just?? her shoulders shook, ?I can?t do this anymore. He gave me my life back but I still don?t have it back and I want it back. I need it back. And I just wish none of this ever happened so I could move on.?

?I know.? Sapphire sighed and kept rubbing her back, letting her just cry it out. Eventually, she was spent. Her sobs quieted. Her too-thin frame didn?t shake so much. ?Mama, I don?t think we?re going for our run today. Do you want one of your chocolates? You could try to go back to sleep for a little while.?

She sniffled, trying to control the trembling of her mouth that was the precursor to another round of sobs. ?O-kay.?

The teen drew the curtains while Jewell pulled off her running shoes before climbing back into bed. The sweet taste of the chocolate mixed with lavender calmed her breathing and slowed her mind enough that her tears dried on her face. Sapphire sat with her until she drifted off to sleep.

Jewell wasn?t sure how much time had passed before she heard the door open and lifted her head immediately off the bed: groggy, confused, and alarmed. ?Just me,? Sapphire?s familiar voice came from the twilight shadowed room.

?Time for dinner?? she asked but the teen didn?t answer, walking right past her and disappearing into her closet. She could hear her rifling around in there, but ended up burying her head back under the blankets, unconcerned. If it wasn?t time for dinner, then it was time to sleep more while she could. While the sun was still up and keeping her demons and nightmares at bay. While the lavender was still in her system, fighting off her next panic attack.

Ten minutes later, Sapphire was standing next to her bed. ?Get up.?

?Ungh.? She grunted at the teen. She had already forced her out of bed this morning for the run that had not happened. She wasn?t going to be forced out of her bed now. She finally felt empty. The crying jag had released all the turmoil building up inside of her the last few days. Now she wanted to rest and enjoy the numbness.

The sharp slap to her leg made her jump, throwing the blanket off her. ?What the hell??

?I said get up.? Sapphire tossed an outfit onto the bed: a sequined skirt and a loose, low cut top. ?Wash your face and then we?ll put some ice on your eyes. We?re going out.?

?What? Where?? She stared at the outfit. ?Where are we going dressed like that??

?I contacted Issy, Val, and Eva. We?re going to the strip club.? Jewell stared at her, blinking and confused. The teen laughed, heading for the door, ?Get dressed, mama. We?re getting your groove back tonight and then you?re moving on.?

?That is amazing progress, Jewell. I?m so impressed.?

She allowed herself a pleased smile at the praise. ?It?s not been easy. Sometimes, it makes me feel so exposed. And weak. But it also feels like?? Her gaze drifted towards the window as her fingers played with the hem of her shirt sleeves, tugging on them as she organized her thoughts. ?It?s like every time I tell someone I trust? Even if it?s not the whole story, even if it?s only part of the story, it takes a little bit of that burden away from me and gives it to them to carry for me. To carry along with me.? She looked back at Dr. Bronner, ?Does that make sense??

?It does.?

Jewell took a deep breath, nodding. ?So that?s what I?ve done. I?ve given it away bit by bit. And Mother of Nature, it?s such a relief.?

Helen smiled knowingly. ?It?s not completely gone though, is it??

?Noooo,? she stretched the word out. ?Not really. I don?t think it ever will be. It?s like I always have more to give away? And it?s still always there, crushing my chest.? When she raised her hand to indicate where it hurt, her fingers didn?t come to rest over her heart. Instead, they brushed a spot lower on her ribs. The spot where Kal had stabbed her. ?Sometimes it?s strong enough to take my breath away, but sharing it lessens the burden. It makes it more?? she struggled to land upon the right word, ?manageable.?

?Manageable is good.?

?It is.?

?This is all very different from how you?ve handled things in the past, yes??

?Just a little,? the faerie grinned.

It was different.

It was different from when she had found out her children were dead. She had pretended nothing was wrong for weeks before mentioning it to some of her closest friends, but she never told them exactly what had happened. About all the journeys she had undertaken and the trials she had endured in her attempt to save her kids. About why they had died and how she had failed them. About the crushing guilt that wouldn?t ever go away. About the way she had cracked a little when her cousin had said the words and she realized she wasn?t a mother anymore.

It was different from when she first came back to RhyDin: empty, missing her children, a shade of who she used to be, her magic locked away. She hid in the RhyDin Imperial Hotel for months, refused to reveal herself to her friends for weeks, and never told a soul exactly what had happened during those two hundred years she had lost to Faerie.

It was different from when she had sold her name to get her magic back last year. She didn?t tell her friends how her soul had been violated, how her magic didn?t work the way it was supposed to anymore, how she had the blood of the members of the Temple of the Divine Mother on her hands, how she still slept with the lights on because the nightmares never stopped.

It was different because Jewell was not left alone to her own destruction. Not this time.

?It?s still hard, but I like not being alone. I like telling someone. I like having them know. I like not isolating myself. There?s just this? security in knowing I don?t have to face this by myself if I don?t want to or maybe on days when I just can?t. Because those days happen. They happen a lot.?

??Beltane honours life.? Surprise surprise,? Sapphire interrupted her reading. ?As if we didn?t know that part. Are you sure we need to read this??

?Just keep going.?

The teen grinned and Jewell rolled her eyes. The initial excitement over the May Queen announcement last night--when Sapphire opened a bottle of champagne that had bubbled all over the kitchen floor--had ebbed into a more restrained giddiness this morning. At Jewell?s request, they had pulled all the books that discussed Beltane from the shelves in the study and had them spread out around them as they curled up on the couch. With hot chocolate to fight off the late April chill, they took turns reading.

It wasn?t just enough that Jewell got to play the part of the May Queen this year at Beltane, she wanted it to be perfect. She wanted it to mean something.

Sapphire cleared her throat. ?Okay, soooo ?It represents the peak of Spring and the beginning of Summer. Earth energies are at their strongest and most active. All of life is bursting with potent fertility and at this point in the Wheel of the Year, the potential becomes conception. On May Eve the sexuality of life and the earth is at its peak. Abundant fertility, on all levels, is the central theme.?? The teen wrinkled her nose. ?That?s a lot of talk about fertility.?

?Skip ahead to the part about the May Queen then.?

Sapphire ran her finger down the page until she found what she was looking for. ?They?re calling her the Maiden Goddess here,? she snickered. ?That?s you, right? The maiden?? Jewell just stared at her. ?Maybe not. How about I keep reading??

?That?d be great.?

?The maiden Jewell-- ow!? she rubbed her leg where Jewell kicked her before continuing, ??is the manifestation of growth and renewal, Flora, the Goddess of Spring, the May Queen, the May Bride. The Young Oak King, as Jack-In-The-Green, as the Green Man, falls in love with her and wins her hand.? Her blue eyes widened, ?The union is then consummated and the May Queen becomes pregnant.??

The Empress blinked. That was not quite how it worked in Faerie. ?Well that part isn?t happening for sure.?

Sapphire shook her head, ?You shouldn?t rule it out.?

?I?m ruling it out.?

?Fine fine. Just ruin the entire event!? Jewell kicked her again. ?Ow! Okay, sorry. I?ll finish reading. ?For this is the night of the Greenwood Marriage. It is about sexuality and sensuality, passion, vitality and joy.?? Sapphire looked up from the book, ?Sooo, are you going to let the Young Oak King show you his wood??

The faerie smirked, ?Maybe.?

?It?s about time someone did. Might as well be him.? Jewell shrugged, unwilling to divulge any plans or thoughts she had about consummating the Greenwood Marriage on Saturday with Canaan. ?Okay, you read now. What does that one say about that chick? The goddess one??

Jewell laughed, lifting the book off her lap. ?That ?chick? is the goddess Flora. This one says, ?The May Queen is Flora? She is the goddess of the flowers, and the princess of the Fae.? And then? yeah, it?s just some more stuff about fertility. No thanks! You have the one on Creiddylad??

?Mmmhm.? Sapphire shuffled a book off onto the coffee table so she could read the one beneath it. ?Creiddylad, ?represents self being the constant, central axis to life?s cycles. Nothing is permanent ? lovers that come and go, our own emotional highs and lows, ?good? and ?bad? circumstances ? they are all just a part of life?s seasonal changes. But what must remain is our love for self. We are our own central axis which everything changes around. We are our own best friend, our own lover.?? Sapphire snickered. ?So maybe you need to just love yourself more.?

?Very funny.?

?Do you want me to get you a vibrator to help with that??

?Sapphire,? she groaned.

?Maybe one of those magazines? 20 Ways to Better Mastur--?

Jewell hit her in the face with a pillow. ?Just keep reading.?

Sapphire?s face was red as she shoved the pillow aside, her grin too-wide as she found where she had left off, ?Ahem! So, ?Creiddylad is the eternal May Queen, always seeking peace and stability. She remains eternally constant in the face of all change. She is the promise of love?? blah blah blah some boring stuff. ?She endures through all hardship and despair.? Huh, that last part sounds a lot like you, mama.?

Jewell smiled, pleased by the comparison. ?I guess so. I did like that last paragraph, especially the part about constant in the face of change and seeking stability??

?Yeah, that?s nice. I liked the part that came earlier,? she traced the page with her finger, trying to find it. ?This one, ?Nothing is permanent ? lovers,?? she gave a pointed look at Jewell, ??that come and go, our own emotional highs and lows, ?good? and ?bad? circumstances ? they are all just a part of life?s seasonal changes.??

?Mmm,? Jewell nodded, her grey eyes locking onto something over Sapphire?s shoulder as she thought about Creiddylad and about life?s seasonal changes. ?I like that. It?s like it?s saying, ?don?t worry, you?re going through a lot right now but this too shall pass.?? She smiled when she looked at Sapphire again, her grey eyes bright and clear. ?Like, ?Hey, you may feel stuck in winter, but your spring is right around the corner!??


((Sources: Creiddylad ? Goddess of Flowers & Self-Love, The Legend of the May Queen, Beltane.))

It was Monday. A normal, ugly, stupid Monday.

Beltane was over.

She drew the blanket closer to her face, closing her eyes and wishing desperately to sleep. There were nightmares there, but being awake was its own nightmare. One she wasn?t interested in facing today. It took too much energy to face it. Too much energy to even lift her head off the pillow. It was glued there. Stuck. Motivation was needed to lift it and Jewell had none. She could not force herself out of bed. Not today. There was no point. There was nothing waiting for her outside the comforting cocoon of her fluffy white comforter. It took all her strength just to tug it up over her face to hide.

She could not face this day.

Beltane was over and the magic was gone.

It had lasted through the week: The evening of Beltane fires and wild dancing. A night with Cane and Sal. Afternoons in Feygarten. A day at the Meadowmeet. Rousing fights at the Battle of Beltane. Through it all, no smile had been brighter than her own. No laughter clearer and more joyous. She had been alive again. Energetically, spiritedly, wholly alive.

But the glamour had been undone. She was not Creiddylad the Eternal May Queen. She was a silly fool. It had been a Beltane enchantment all along: the confidence, the radiance, the seizing of life and all its many opportunities. The illusion was shattered. The clock had tolled midnight, stripping her of the Cinderella spell. She was nothing but a broken woman with scar tissue on her heart and soul and a thousand bad memories she could no longer escape.

She was hollowed out. She was too keenly aware of how empty she was because she had been so recently full. Bursting to the brim with life. The holiday was over, taking with it all her vitality. A renewal of life! What a joke that was. She was no more able to face life now than she had been a week ago. Putting on that crown had not been a cure all. It had not cured her ailing heart or damaged soul. Beltane had not fixed her. The holiday had done one thing for her and one thing only: it taught her that she was capable of appearing and pretending she was fine if she wanted to, but she had to care enough to want to pretend.

Right now, she didn?t care. She didn?t care about anything. She was flat. She was a slug.

Ishmerai would come in soon. He would try to coax her out of bed. He wanted her up. He wanted her around people. But she did not want to move. She did not want to breathe. She did not want to pack so she could go visit Harris and Seirichi in Adenna. She did not care that Zan was in town. She did not want to put on clothes so she could meet Crispin for drinks later. The color had bled from the world again and she was just one big blah.

She wanted to be left alone to hide under the blankets forever.

?Mira,? the knight knocked on her door as he pushed it open, ?Avani sent over that cinnamon roll bread you like so much.?

Right on time.

?I thought a basic set of shield rings wasn?t really enough. Not for what I wanted.?

The Temple had made her feel unsafe. Not just in her city, which had always been a haven, but in her own body. She needed to change that and soon. She was tired of cowering.

The knight flattened the piece of paper out on the table. The drawings were precise with Jewell?s neat handwriting filling the margins around each of the ten rings. Her legs were tucked beneath her so she could lean forward, stretching across the table to point out the different features. ?The ones on the right hand are a little more typical. Two rings for focusing my energy coming out,? she pointed to the one that she would eventually wear on her pointer finger and the thumb of her right hand. ?While these three are for forming an actual shield of energy around me if needed. And they all store extra energy too.?

?Sounds practical.?

?The left hand ones are a little more? interesting. Since energy comes in through the left, I wanted these to protect me from any energy or? well, anything from entering my body.? She explained as if they both were not familiar with the natural flow of energy in the body. It helped make the theory she was working on clearer in her mind to repeat it. ?The thumb one will protect my mind.?

?So no psychic attacks??

?Right. It will shield my thoughts too.?

?Good idea.?

?This next one protects my chi,? tapping the pointer finger ring. ?And this one protects my physical body,? she tapped the pinky finger one. ?So that should actually help with poisons. I might still keep my other ring though too. Just in case.?

He nodded, twisting the paper to read the label on the one for her middle finger. ?Your soul.?

Her features darkened. ?Yes. No one has my name and they never will. Not again. But this is just extra protection.? Ishmerai reached across the table to touch her hand. She brushed him off. ?The last one is for my heart.?

?But Mira, this is for incoming energy and attacks. That will do you little good if you allow yourself to fall in love again. That is outgoing.?

?I know. I know. These are just preliminary ideas of what I want them to do, though. And that one should at least protect me from empathetic attacks and maybe anything else coming at my heart.? She paused. ?Including an iron shiv.?

?Hello.?

?You are a bad ass bitch.?

?Don?t be sad.?

?You?re doing great.?

?You are strong and beautiful.?

?You are intelligent and funny.?

?You are worthwhile.?

?I love you.?

Jewell groaned, letting her forehead thunk down against her battered arms folded on the vanity surface. This was supposed to be part of her daily routine along with all the physical and occupational therapy she did. It was supposed to be helping.

She hated it.

Doctor Bronner reassured her that it would work. Eventually. She told her it was a common recommendation for victims of violent crimes to help with empowerment and self-esteem.

Victim. It was a terrible word, but it defined her now. Everything about her. She was a victim. That?s all she was. Someone harmed, abused, and broken by the Temple of the Divine Mother. Shattered glass shoved back together. A porcelain doll ready to break. She could feel the stress fractures spreading out from the scar beneath her ribs all the way to her fingertips.

She didn?t want to be defined this way. She didn?t want to be just another victim. Jewell wanted to be something more. Something greater. But her self-worth was gone, scattered far away and out of reach. She was left full of doubts, hopeless, anxious, weak, devastated, and scared. Things were never going to change. She was always going to be broken.

?No no no no no.? She propped herself up on her elbows, scrubbing her hands roughly over her face. This was only temporary. She wouldn?t be a victim forever. The Empress would rise above. She always did. She would rediscover herself or remake herself or re-define herself.

She would do whatever it took, and she would do it on her own.

Jewell lowered her hands, leaning forward against the vanity strewn with trinkets, jewelry, makeup, and a set of throwing knives. She stared at her reflection in the mirror: sun-kissed cheeks, a freckled nose, and slate grey eyes that had yet to lose their haunted look. She took a deep breath.

?Hello. You are a bad ass bitch.?

She fidgeted with the ring on her right middle finger, spinning it around and around.

?Mama??

?Huh?? She stopped staring out the floor to ceiling windows and looked at the teen faerie staring at her. Staring at her hand.

?Can you stop that? It?s super distracting.?

Her brow furrowed. ?Stop what??

Sapphire gestured to her hand. ?That. You keep twisting your ring around. Are you okay? Are you upset about something??

Was she okay?

Jewell was never okay. Not anymore.

Some days, she woke up and the panic was already alive and well inside her chest.

Some days, she woke up with her thoughts already racing.

The Veil was down. Fae were flooding the city. She should do something about it. She didn?t want to do anything. She was tired of the fae. She was tired of Faerie. Faerie politics were the worst. What could she do about any of it? Why did she have to do something? She should do something though. If they kept crossing the Veil, people might blame her. Her few remaining friends could be hurt. What if they hurt Sapphire? What if they turned Sapphire against her? The fae knew what she really was. They knew her. If people learned the things she had done in Faerie, they would leave her. She?d be alone. Even Ishmerai would leave. The penthouse would be empty. Quiet. Just like her life.

She should do something about it. What could she do? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. She was useless. Impotent.

?Mama? You?re doing it again.?

Jewell immediately stopped fidgeting with her ring. ?Sorry.?

She had been listless for weeks, a ghost haunting her own home.

On days when she did leave the penthouse in Little Elfhame, her destinations were limited to the New Haven baronial manor because Hope didn?t seem to mind that all she wanted to do was float around in the pool and drink; the beach, where she could also float around and drink; a fight club or two; and sometimes a dive bar where she could find some guy who would let her shove her tongue in his mouth in exchange for his hand up her shirt, though she could usually find that at the fight clubs without bothering with the dive bars.

It was a life filled with cheap thrills to lend some color and make her feel momentary alive in between the moments of gray nothing.

And now the Council for Preternatural Activities had to ruin everything.

They had to come to her door with their stupid summons written on stupid paper with their stupid wax seal. Jewell stared at the tri-folded letter and matching cream colored envelope. She glared at it.

She hated the Council for Preternatural Activities.

They wanted her to come testify in front of their judiciary committee. They wanted her to talk about the Temple of the Divine Mother.

They wanted her help in damning them all to hell.

As great as that sounded, she didn?t want to do it. She didn?t even want to think about it. She had spent the last six months coming to terms with what had happened in February and ignoring what she couldn?t come to terms with. Now they wanted to drag everything up again. They wanted to air it all out for everyone to see and hear and know. All for the sake of justice.

She didn?t care about justice though. She just cared about trying to live with it all.

It started in her chest. Then her arms became to heavy to lift. Her toes were tingling. Everything was slowly going numb.

It was familiar and still terrifying.

It was a show of her progress that she reached first for the tin on the Perihelion's suite room dresser. ?F***,? she muttered, trying to get it open with trembling hands. The little white pills burst into the air, scattering across the carpet. ?**** **** ****!? She fell onto her hands and knees, digging through the thick weave for at least one of the pills, but her fingertips with clumsy and useless. She couldn?t grasp the pills. They kept escaping her.

She bolted upright. It was too late for the pills anyway. Jewell reached instead for one of her knives. She hadn?t been allowed to bring them into the session hearing today, but there was a small arsenal in her bag. As her heart exploded, she retreated into the bathroom and turned the shower on. It was difficult, taking her dress off while she kept a hold of that knife, but she couldn?t let go. Not now. Not that she had a grip on something.

Even the warm rain shower didn?t soothe her. Nothing did until her blood began to flow down her arms and into the drain.

Then her mind and heart went numb too.

Bleary-eyed, she shifted in bed and looked to the other side. The blankets were all pulled from it, Jewell had them clutched to her chest and bunched up next to her, and it was empty of any body. There was no indent in the pillow where someone had slept.

She was alone.

Ishmerai had sat with her until the mix of medications arranged across her bedside table had calmed her heart and mind enough for sleep to take her. She was tempted to take more and disappear from the world for another few hours, but the golden light sneaking in between her heavy curtains said day had come, which meant she had to get up and head back to the Real World house.

Where there were people to interact with and cameras watching her every move.

She shut her eyes tight, bundling the pile of blankets closer to her. She was not up for that. Not today. Her regular litany of nightmares--the whisper of her name in her ear; children ripped from their beds at night; unfamiliar hands handling her roughly; spade after spade of dirt falling onto her as she was buried alive; Kal asking, ?How do you want it done?? as he slid the iron shiv into her heart; blood dripping from her hands; a woman wearing her face laughing and mocking her, ?Iron poisoning in the heart, is it? How painful!?; her body out of her control--had been joined by fae lurking in the shadows, out for her blood, and the sing-song whisper of, ?A heart, a heart. We could give her a new one.?

Some days, she was able to get up, shake it all off, and go about her business. She could pretend everything was okay. She could compartmentalize all the trauma, the damage, the shit that had been piled upon her year after year, shove it down and away and out of sight, and do what needed to be done.

Today was not one of those days.

Today, she wanted to pull the blankets up over her head and never get out of bed. She wanted to sink into the mattress and disappear. She wanted to die. She wanted to never be born. She wanted to claw her way out of her body and escape.

She wanted to sit in pajamas with no makeup or glamour, her hair a mess, and cry and cry until her tears ran out.

Or stare at the wall in stony silence, pretending the world did not exist.

Instead, with a groan of pure frustration, she sat up, punched her pillow for good measure, and threw the blankets off her with extra vim. ?Stupid day. Stupid holiday. Stupid friends.? Jewell grumbled, swinging her legs off the bed and getting up.

She didn?t have it in her today to pretend that everything was okay. She didn?t have the strength and fortitude to compartmentalize and push it all away. She didn?t even have the desire to try.

But she had to anyway because today was Thanksgiving.

Twilight cast its spell across the study. While the last rays of the dying sun turned the snow topped mountain high above the sanatorium into brilliant oranges, golds, and purples, Ishmerai worked by the light of a single light, so as not to disturb the lady resting on the sette, pouring over over a series of maps and books and muttering quietly, ?If I take the Anasuil pass??

?Better to go by the Holloway Marshes.?

He glanced up from his work. ?I thought you were going to sleep.?

She shook her head as she sat up, white hair a mess and face still marked from earlier tears. ?It got too dark.? Demons waited for her in the dark.

He took the hint and circled the room, turning on the different mage lights scattered throughout to produce a rosy, welcoming, safe glow. ?Did the medicine not work??

Jewell?s hand landed on her chest. Her heart still beat beneath it, slower now. ?No. It did. I just couldn?t sleep.? She paused before admitting, ?I was thinking. Maybe? maybe you shouldn?t go after the relic.?

?What do you mean?? He glanced back to her after turning on the final light, staring at that downcast head of white hair with concern. ?Do you want to do the transplant as Eva suggested or have you concocted some other plan that is likely horrible?? He tried to tease her. She didn?t rise to the bait.

?No,? Jewell shook her head slowly. ?No other plan. And I?m not doing the transplant. I just meant that maybe you shouldn?t go.? She paused, aware that he was staring at her intently. She was watching her pointer finger draw continuous circles on the nail of her thumb.?Like maybe we should stop trying.?

?Mira??

When she finally looked up at him, the tears were just gathering in her eyes. ?I just can?t keep doing this. It hurts too much. I don?t want to.?

?You will feel differently in the morning,? he stated mildly, impatient with her antics and (more importantly) very concerned about her getting worked up again. She had already taken her rescue medication once when she came home from seeing Canaan this afternoon. And on Saturday. At the rate she was going, he wouldn?t even get a chance to fetch the relic and try to save her life.

?I won?t!?

?Mira, he is just one man.?

?He is not just one man,? she shouted at him, slamming her fist down onto the fainting couch. ?It?s every man. It?s every time. It?s this endless ****ing cycle I?m stuck in. And it?s more than that. I?m just??

Worthless. Useless. Unlovable.

Why am I even here?

In the past, she?d been able to laugh off life?s big and little bumps. Now, each one felt like a disaster. Like her world was falling apart. Jewell pulled her hands up into her hair, pressing her fingers into her skull as she curled forward, elbows finding her thighs. Just as quick as her anger had flashed out, it was gone. She was deflated. Out of steam.

She was so damn tired.

?I keep beating death, Merai. Over and over again. So many times. And maybe I?m just not supposed to anymore. Maybe this is just supposed to be the end of the line for me. Maybe I want it to be.?

This wasn?t the first time she had expressed such thoughts. Death had been dogging her footsteps since she had woken up in the hospital in February with a patched up hole in her heart. She was tired of running from it and for what? The physical pain, the memories, the nightmares that never went away? They were crushing her, and every week seemed to bring some new torture. Some new heartache.

She just couldn?t deal with it anymore. She didn?t want to. Jewell could only handle so much. She had been bending under the weight of each new trial for months.

Now she felt like she was finally breaking.

They say old habits die hard.

Even death couldn?t cure Jewell of the worst ones.

?Yo, Empress! Been a while.?

?Jimmy!?

The bouncer at Freddy?s Fight Club was huddled in the doorway to keep from freezing to death in the cold wind that whipped in off the harbor. He greeted her with a teeth-chattering grin. ?Been too busy in those fancy schmancy League rings to slum it up with us, huh??

?Something like that.? She lingered outside for just a moment, ?How?s it looking in there tonight??

?There?s a tournament goin? on.?

She nodded. She had known that. It was why she had come. A tournament guaranteed at least a few tough opponents, which meant the maximum amount of the drug she was seeking: pain. ?Who?s the favorite??

?Guy named Peitre. Been on a winning streak lately. Smarmy bastard. Gets drunk out of his mind after and gloats.?

?Sounds like a real winner,? she rolled her eyes. ?Too bad there?s no one to stop him, huh??

He put his fist up for her and she bumped it with her own. ?Give ?em hell, killer.?

?You got it.?

The second she stepped inside, her mind felt clearer than it had in days. The pressure building up in her chest--a neverending scream--eased up a little. There was just something about that combination of sweat, piss, blood, and spirits that comforted her. It was familiar and grounding. She knew who she was in a place like this.

Jewell moved through the crowd easily, shrugging out of her jacket and leaving it on a chair, but not before reaching into the pocket and shoving three pills into her mouth. She nodded to the bartenders, who knew her both by sight, before heading for the ring at the heart of the club.

It was time to beat the **** out of something.

*****

Unfortunately, the only fight she was having tonight was with Freddy, the owner.

He had pulled her into his dingy office, begging for a word before she had a chance to submit her name for the tournament. It was also as if he had been expecting her. She stared at him across the piles of paper and cigarette ash. ?I can?t fight? I don?t get it. You lifted the ban on me over a year ago.?

?Yeah, well?? he avoided looking at her, picking at a dirty fingernail. ?It?s just been reinstated.?

Jewell scowled at him, leaning forward. ?Why??

Freddy was not a big man, he was even shorter than she was, who relied on his bouncers, enforcers, and bartenders to uphold the law of his establishment. He did not want to piss her off. ?Look Empress. It?s nothing personal--?

?Then what is it?? she bit out each word.

He finally looked at her, a sheen of sweat on his brow. ?That knight of yours, Ishmerai? he got here first.?

Son of a bitch.

She took a deep breath, trying to recover a dulcet, sweet, convincing tone when all she really wanted to do was tear his head off, ?Come on, Freddy. Ishmerai doesn?t need to know, and you know I can make you a ton of money tonight.?

?He?ll know. ?Sides, he paid me more.? He shrugged. ?Sorry, Empress. It?s just business.?

The pressure was creeping back into her chest, making it hard to breathe. Damn damn damn that knight. No matter, there were other fighting joints and clubs. She knew them all. ?Yeah. I get it.?

As she stood, Freddy?s eyes suddenly widened and he struggled to pull open a stuck desk drawer, rifling through it when he managed to pry it open enough to get his grubby hand inside, ?Wait just one second. He left you a note too.? He produced the crumpled piece of paper, brushing some cigarette ash off it before handing it over.

?Thanks,? she responded blankly, stepping back out into the noisy club and collecting her jacket. She was outside on the street, after a wordless goodbye to the bouncer, before she unfolded the piece of paper in her hand.

It was a list of every fight club in the city. Or at least close enough to be all of them.

Dive bars too.

Each one had a check mark next to it.

Son of a bitch. He knew. He knew exactly what she would do the second things went south. He knew that even her failing heart couldn?t stop her cycle of self-destruction. And he had put the word out on her! There was no point in checking out Adam?s or any of the others. They were all listed right there on the damn list in her hand.

With a frustrated growl in the back of her throat, she read the note jotted at the bottom: Go home Mira.

She couldn?t though. Home meant the bodies of Aella and Calla and Ila in the basement, awaiting burial. It meant a crumbling empire and the accusatory eyes of a people she was failing. It meant rooms bereft of Sapphire?s raucous laughter; she had left this afternoon to spend the holidays with her real family. It meant a life without the steady presence of her knight; she had sent him off to his death, but his ghost was still here, watching over her.

Jewell could not go home.

Instead, she pulled her jacket tighter around her and headed towards the south RhyDin slums. It wasn?t what she had in mind when she left the house earlier, but there was still one escape open to her.

?You?re welcome here. Whenever you wish, for as long as you wish it.?

Her lips traced a lazy line of kisses along his jaw. ?Are you sure I won?t wear out my welcome??

?I?m sure,? he promised her, tilting his head to catch her lips with his own. ?Take what you will of me and my time.?