I know I have to get my act together. It?s been made painfully clear to me that what I?m doing is wrong; it wrongs both my family and my friends. I?m not allowed to let this grief consume me any longer, I?ve done so for too long as it is. I?m hurting other people.

But doesn?t that make sense when I?m hurting so badly myself?

I don?t want to be hurting anyone else, I don?t! No one should ever have to feel as heart-wrenchingly awful as I do inside every moment of every day. Sometimes, it makes me sick, this emptiness that?s infected my entire being. Physically sick.

There?s no cure for this. All their kind words, or their harsh words, the gentle prodding to move along, the attempts to force me to action?those are not cures. They?re reminders that I don?t have it all together, and why don?t I have it all together? Oh, right. Skyler. Cruel reminders. There?s no cure for this; in order to get it all together I?m just going to have to play pretend. I?ve done it before. You flash them all empty smiles that make the corners of your lips hurt, you laugh at the insipid jokes and actions while the whole time you?re just dead inside.

I just want to lie here on my bed and stare into my lovely fey mirror. In there, I can be with him again. It?s just memories replayed before my eyes. In these memories she?s with him but since she is just the past me I can pretend and be that girl again instead of the girl that?s without him now.

Just a few more minutes and then I?ll get it all together, I swear.