8.11.06

I know I said I would catch you up, new-journal-of-mine, but there are not enough hours in the day even when I do not waste my time with sleep.

Can I properly explain what has been crossing my mind? Lucy made the statement, the other morning, that the end of my relationship with Alex is both of our faults. I think that she thinks it is mine, though. Who would not? I am that slut that went off and screwed around with another man and rubbed it in my husband?s face, aren?t I? Naturally, I?ve simply moved on with my life and forgotten all about him and the pain he is supposedly in without me?does he look like he is suffering very much with that Lydia? I didn?t think so either.

How could I ever truly, fully move on and forget him? We are simply two different people now then when we married but that does not mean my soul is not irrevocably bound up with his, that I don?t love him, that I don?t want him to still play some part in my life.

I?ve gone and made the ink run a bit with my tears, foolish.

He doesn?t want the same with me, does he? No, I have cut him free and he has turned his back. Why doesn?t he see what his revoking of the Ravenlock name means to me? He isn?t simply turning his back on Brian; it feels like he has forgotten the kids and I already as well. I feel that familiar bitterness curling in my stomach again.

When I went away, it was with the heavy understanding of my immortality finally resting on my shoulders. I?ve never accepted it?my longer than mortal life span. I have lived my life as a mortal would, with that one hundred year benchmark in mind. I got married, I had children, and I have so much longer to live. I have to live with the pain of having one soul-bond cut forever. It?s such a long time. I realized I didn?t want to be alone anymore and with Alex I was almost always alone.

My head is spinning and I want to scream. I just did.

Let?s top all these angst-y feelings off with my anger towards Skyler. I was informed that he threatened Des and her unborn child. This is unacceptable but I haven?t seen him to inform him how furious I am. Now I?m just frustrated and upset; my anger is ebbing and I just want to cry or punch something, someone. Yes, that would feel lovely.

9.9.06

I am filled with self-loathing.

9.11.06

I didn?t sleep again last night, I?ve forgotten when the last time I did was?last Wednesday, Tuesday? Not that it really matters, I feel like I?m walking through a twisted dream every moment I?m alone. It rained all night and morning, which brought me the clarity of mind that I was so sorely lacking beforehand. I still feel that self-loathing, hatred even, that?s been present since he first told me that we were over. He?s always seen through me so precisely before?how could he have been wrong then in telling me the way I?ve treated him? My own mind still feels conflicted between what I know, thought I knew, and what he said?what everyone else says.

He told me last night not to apologize for who I am. I didn?t understand, I still don?t. Apologizing is the only thing I know how to do in such a situation, how else could I try and make things right? I failed him somehow and that requires an apology, right? Right? Maybe I should be angry with him for doing this to me, for not accepting me for who I am. I can?t even muster up the energy to be annoyed, I feel too empty. Hollow. Not that I want him to accept me as I am, so wretchedly flawed.

Wyheree is going with me to the Masquerade. I made the mistake of mentioning that I was considering not going?after all, what fun would it be without my handsome date at my side? The girls rallied to my aid, they really are such lovely people, and we are going to go and dance with or without men. The Ice Queen and I will be quite a pair. At least my costume will be perfectly shocking. I think I can manage to play the Empress for an entire evening without showing a single crack in my veneer?forcing myself to have a perfectly splendid time.

I?m glad Charna is living in the house right now, it?d be heartbreakingly empty without her. We are companions in our misery.

9.14.06

I?ve been dwelling on my immortality again?when isn?t it a dark lurking presence in the back of my mind? Others don?t seem to trouble over it like I do, perhaps they?ve gotten over it already, learned to deal with it in some way, accepted it. I?m trying to learn to deal with it, understand it, and not be afraid of the long years that stretch before me. Sometimes they seem endless. I don?t want to forget things?people and events?even as they fade behind me, which I?m sure they eventually will.

If I document these things now I will not have to look back, trying to piece my memories together to recreate my life the way it once was.

My friends, my dear ones that keep me going.

Skyler, my young beau (I?ll only call him that here, where he won?t find out). So arrogant at times, deliciously handsome, he makes me laugh, exasperated in frustration, and smile.

Lucy, my niece. It?s odd how well we get along now when not too long ago we were at each other?s throats. I think everyone needs people to care about, I opened my heart to Lucy and she needed that?I needed her too.

Alex, always my Alex.

Tara, my best friend forever. I think I?ll always have Tara in my life, at least I tell myself that, with her red hair that has a mind of its own and her infectious fun attitude and die-hard loyalty.

Amthy, my Pix. Gorgeous no matter what her form with a lovely tender heart and a knack for making men come running at her beck and call. My light.

Wyheree, my elemental sissy. So strong and caring?I know she has my back and supports me no matter what. Always there with a listening ear, sound advice, and a crystal laugh.

Charna, the Vixen. Beautiful and so troubled, I think we?re alike in our sorrows at times. Sympathetically miserable with each other.

Brian, my brother. I?ll always be his little sister no matter what. I love that.

Tass, safe haven.

Lenika, dearest woman. She has a heart of gold, stands as a steady rock.

Panth, my boss-man. Always there to pick me up.

Viki, darling girl, sees when you need a hug.

I could go on an on, there are so many others that make my day, are part of my life: Icer, Keaton, Trixie, Grem, Kitty, Rosie, Charlotte, Cass, Mercy, Tera and Gav, Julie, Erin, Taneth, Kristia, Fred II.

I?m going to have to add more later, I know too many people and I love them all.

9.18.06

Two bad encounters last night. First there was Cassandra?s cousin J-something or other?I actually have no clue what his name is now but I?d recognize him! He was all flirtatious and paying attention to me until he found out who I was. He insulted Alex and dismissed me. Bad idea, don?t you think? Really, I?m not the happy-go-lucky woman, lately, that you want to be so dismissive with?I?ve had enough of that. I kindly informed him who I was and that he is not to speak badly of me and mine. I don?t know if he got the point but he certainly left right after that. Little punk kids.

Bad encounter number two was with ugly chick again?Sarah or something like that. I don?t really care what her name is; it won?t matter when I make her cry later, will it? And I will make her cry. I was ready to try and snap her little throat again last night but Trixie was there and Brian, Jen, Miles?I just wanted to enjoy some time with my friends and family. She had to go and make some nasty remark about Skyler and I, really the girl is just asking for it. I won?t forgive her for burning my arm, either. One does not scar the Empress and remain unscathed. Trixie would have gladly cut her down for me right then and there, I know. I want the pleasure of that myself. But first, I want her to fear me.

The rest of the night went on without mishap. I had to leave so I could empty my stomach after a short conversation regarding my brother and banana hammocks. Ugh, I still shudder to think of that.

On another note, Trixie got her piercing license! Not that one really needs a license in RhyDin, but I feel better letting her do that now knowing she is licensed. I don?t know what to get pierced first! I was thinking of getting a tattoo as well.

9.20.06

Last night was a mess. I was really excited for DoS coming to the Inn; I thought maybe I?d duel against Sky. That totally didn?t happen. When I got there I realized that I had forgotten to dress like a wench! Des looked so hott in her outfit so Captain P?Imp changed my outfit in a wench one?fishnet stockings held up by a garter belt, barely there skirt, a corset top I was falling out of and a feather for my curls! I guess I looked hott too but that just caused me trouble.

I dueled against this man named Cameron. I didn?t really think much of it?he was a bit too touchy feely for my taste. My heart really wasn?t into the duel. I lost miserably because I was distracted, Skyler hadn?t even greeted me, and then left the Inn with that awful girl?my imagination provided all sorts of sordid details. It made me sick.

I had to walk the plank because I lost my duel so then I was scantily clad and soaking wet. I sat down and chatted with Cameron?I?m such a silly fool when a man compliments me, how could I just assume he was nice? I was in a sour mood but he bought me a drink?something really strong that Amber was serving up, and it went right to my head. I warned Cameron that I wasn?t interested in doing anything with him but he didn?t seem to mind and called me ?Jewell o? the seas? and continued to pay me pretty compliments.

Tass came in for some of the dueling fun and I was already quite tipsy by that point I?m sure. He kissed me?that always makes me feel guilty later although who do I have to feel guilty about? No sane man wants a relationship with me. Then he slung Taneth and I over his shoulders, calling us his wenches. This started an argument between Tass and Cameron. I thought they were just playing around, they even ended up dueling supposedly over me! I think I would have been thrilled another night, another time. Instead, I was just tired, upset, and bordering on drunk.

I made myself stay until the end of their duel secretly hoping that Skyler would come in. I don?t know why?what did I think I was going to say to him? I wasn?t thinking straight and sinking into my pathetic depressed funk. I tried to leave?Tass even offered to walk me home but I didn?t want to go home. I was going to wander, wander drunk in the woods at night. Jewell, you really are an absolute moron.

So, I was trying to leave but Cameron didn?t want me too. I didn?t pay him much heed, I just wanted to get out. Tass?s voice stopped me as he called to Cameron to leae me alone?I turned around and he was right there and Tass was right there and soon Brian was there too and Wyh was calling out and Des was yelling. All that shouting and I just wanted to get out. Then Skyler was there too. Skyler with his concern after he?d been out with that girl all evening. I was getting nervous?feeling threatened even with all my dear defenders there (I have to thank Tass and Brian big time). To have that man, that I was speaking so closely with, turn into something that made me so nervous?I just can?t handle things like that well.

All that kept screaming in my head as I stumbled out onto the porch was that ?This is my fault,? ?You do this to yourself;? good to know the dear Robin is still with me even worlds away and six feet under. Skyler followed me. Skyler was there with soothing words, concern, and a hug. I can laugh now, feeling slightly bitter, and wonder if he is trying to make me love him even more. He offered to take me to his house, how could I refuse that? Not that I would want to. I couldn?t be alone last night and to have him open his arms for me again?I am the biggest fool for letting him slip through my fingers.

I had my nightmares last night, big surprise?I saw that coming. It?s been a while since they were that bad. And Skyler held me the whole night. I woke up once, he was there, and I didn?t have to be afraid of the faces lurking in the shadows, waiting for me. I don?t know how to thank him for that, to explain how much that means to me. I hope I didn?t keep him awake all night, I know I was probably tossing and turning or at least muttering. I wonder if I can tell him what it is that I see when I close my eyes at night and go to sleep.

9.22.06

Last night was fairly uneventful, quiet evening?which is good. I got into a bit of a scuffle of sorts with that stupid Sarah earlier in the day. Mother of nature?I hate that girl! I had to put an end to it because it was upsetting Natty and as much as ugly-chick bothers me I am not going to upset my friends by fighting it out with her. Besides, Brian and Jen were watching me?waiting for me to snap or something. Maybe I was, I wonder which way.

Last night Hanzo was at the Inn! This was really exciting because it?s always a long time between when I see him and I realized how much I miss afternoons spent with him and Keatsy-kins. I should stop by Hands Over Hollywood later to see about the latter, I just saw Trixie the other day and she said he?s real busy.

Ran down to the arena to visit with Wyh, I don?t know what she was doing wasting her time down there though! Then I snuck upstairs into the room Skyler rented for the night. He told me about it, told me I could when I mentioned sneaking in. Am I a fool for jumping at that? Maybe I?m just making everything harder on myself. I want to show him that I can make him happy.

Have to go clean up the house, tonight is the sleepover with Natty and Charna!

9.25.06

All the stress I rid of is just building up again. Why can?t people leave me alone? Do I have a giant target painted on my forehead? Really?this guy that was bothering me last night has neither honor nor any common sense. He had tried to get involved in the fight the other night?although it concerned him not?and then proceeded to call me a liar and other horrible things last night. He said the fight was three on one (it was not as only Jenai fought Sarah) and wanted me to fight him then and there to prove myself! Really, is there no such thing as chivalry? I am half this man?s size and injured and he wanted a ?fair fight? against me? Lets not forget that I have no need to prove myself to him. He is nothing, a no one. Everyone that knows me knows I have no need to prove myself in a fight or in any other way. Having Sparky, Wyh, Bernie and Panth all stand up for me then and there proves that.

This audacious man also had the gall to insult my Empress-hood and the way I treat my friends. I know it shouldn?t bother me but it just irks. Me?who would gladly support my friends in a fight, as I did with Kristia just last week?who would die for them if it came to that. Is it even worth it for me to teach that man not to make assumptions? I just laughed him off.

Skyler came in soon after that. I still don?t know where we stand?if there is even a ?we.? He was so sweet?didn?t seem mad that his friend?I can only hope that?s all she really is to him?had gotten so beat up because of me. Yet, he also didn?t seem annoyed that said girl tried to bash my face in with a bottle.

Then he got serious and asked me why I?m not with Alex and if I still loved him. It didn?t help that Alex was standing nearby?way to put me on the spot, Sky! And I told him?tried to make him see how love can change. I want him to understand that I?ll always care for Alex in some way but love fades, changes?and with Alex and I?on my side?it has changed forever. There?s no going back now and I don?t want to anymore; I turned my back and that?s how it will stay.

Maybe he doesn?t see that I love him, that I can love him with everything I have. Maybe that?s not enough for him. He called himself a fool?an idiot, and then he left. A fool for what? Bothering to love me? I feel like I could shake him until he just tells me outright what?s going on inside his head.

After Sky left Panth came over to speak with me. He?s such a sweetheart?Len is so lucky to have him but then again, he is lucky to have her?I think he was worried about me. We had the nicest chat about love and he made some great points. He said if I was able to just turn my love for Alex?or anyone for that matter?off then I wouldn?t be worth loving. What meaning would love have if you could so easily discard it?

Kairee says I should just come out and ask Skyler who he wants and get it over with. Maybe I will.

You know?Alex isn?t the first man that I?ve loved, there were others before him. They?ve all left their mark in one way or another, making me who I am. I don?t want to ever forget them because that would be forgetting myself.

Thank creation for friends who keep me sane?and for those who will always be insane with me.

9.28.06

I think something happened to Alex again. Correction, I know something has happened to Alex again. I?ve been working on burying that link; I can?t destroy it without damaging myself but I can weaken it. I still felt something happen to him, though. The link feels dead and it makes me feel heavy inside. But I shouldn?t worry, right? He can take care of himself. Even if he has died I shouldn?t worry?won?t worry?he?s always come back before.

But he?s always had me to come back to?what happens when he doesn?t want to come back? Has no reason to? I don?t want that but I also don?t want to be someone?s only reason for existence! That?s too much pressure, too much importance put on me. No one should be that important, right?

I thought there was a time when we could spend all eternity together?things change. The universe changes! Jewell existed without Alex once before and Alex without Jewell.

I?m not going to think about things like that, though! I absolutely refuse to. I have merrier things to dwell on, things that make me happy and feel light inside. It?s been so long since I felt that way?I may have loved Alex but it has been a very long time since we were in love. Being in love is important! And I am in love. Skyler is great and we are together again?at least, I think we are and if we?re not we?re making a pretty good show of it all the same.

I worked the other night, Tuesday, and he was there during my shift. I was feeling depressed?this Alex thing was nagging on my mind?but I had been putting a good show of being fine all day for the kids and then at work for everyone. It?s what I do. When Skyler didn?t really say anything to me, though, I just felt?like sinking. I thought I was right about the other night when he called himself a fool and left but I wasn?t! He asked me to go for a walk with him and when I was done with my shift, he was so affectionate and sweet and we had a lovely walk out in the moonlight.

Then, yesterday afternoon I saw him again and he came home to have dinner with the kids and me. That was so great because I get so nervous when telling people?guys?about the kids, I don?t know what they?ll think. I mean, if someone were to say something nasty about me having kids I?d tell them off in a second. Having someone I really really like and want to be with not be totally freaked out by all the kids is just so reassuring. They seemed to really get along with him too and not mind that he was at dinner with us!

I feel like dancing. Maybe I?ll go out in the woods and dance later as the leaves start to fall.

10.03.06
Last night was crazy?any night that Tara and I are together is usually crazy good times. She is my bestest friend in the whole wide worlds and we are unstoppable when together.

Tara told me she?s pregnant but the whole night people were asking me if I was pregnant?and I?m not! Though T and I said it?d be cool because our kids could be bff?s or get married one day.

I told her about Cory?s wife and her threat regarding Anubis?I think we both got a good laugh out of it. I?m going to go visit Kristia today and tell her, she?ll enjoy it too. People should really take Jewell-Awareness courses before they go threatening me. I mean, if you?re gonna threaten me and try to make me nervous?do it right!

Speaking of threatened?Tara pointed out that every piece of gossip I shared had to do with me being threatened and/or hurt in some way. Odd pattern. Lydia mentioned that some chick said she wants to stick a gun down my throat and Wyh thinks it must be Sarah. And Erin said that Cory called me a brat and was talking about me in the Inn?wrong place to do that, buddy.

Speaking of Lydia, somehow she?s able to see now. It?s pretty exciting! We had a real nice chat the other night and I?m glad I don?t hate her like I always hated Lain. I gave her one of the pictures I had of Alex because she had never seen him?that was so sad to think about. I?m trying to be non-chalant about his death because he?s always come back before but he hasn?t yet and even with what Renna said (I can?t write that own just yet?) it still hurts inside.

So I just surround myself with love so I can be happy! I really want to sit down and have a chat with Brian before he leaves with Kairee?I?m really worried about him. I?ve been so selfish, sad that I lost Alex but never thinking that he lost Alex as well. Ack?this is more depressing stuff! Think upbeat!

Tara wants me to sleep with Talomar so I can find out if his stock of blasters was stolen from the WestEnd. I am not sleeping with my best friend?s husband! She had it all planned out?we look enough alike in levels of hotness and I?d just have to glamourize my hair and lay down because I?m taller (!). That still doesn?t solve the problem of me having sex with her husband?I won?t do that to her, to Skyler, to myself! I have never had any desire to sleep with Talomar Longden!

Tass came into the Inn later in the evening. Tara says I should marry him and I think he might have been genuinely upset that I won?t sleep with him. I never know if he?s kidding or not. I love Tass?he?s an awesome friend but I don?t love anyone but Skyler in that romantic relationship way.

Lenika and Wyh are the only ones who don?t seem to have some kind of problem with my relationship with Sky. Everyone else? Screw off! I?m happy.

10.07.06

It?s been a few days, nothing too eventful. I?ve seen Skyler a bunch of times this week, even in the afternoon?that?s always a nice surprise. One of my favorite things to do is wake up really early and just lie in bed, curled up next to him, while the sun rises. It?s one of the best ways to start the day! I just feel so comfortable with him?

Last night was the Host Kegger! I gotta say, I?m definitely nursing a headache this morning from too many margaritas?I don?t even remember how many I had! I?m not sure if anyone was even drinking from the kegs since Kitty and Wyh had whipped up such good frozen margaritas, who could resist? It was so great having all my work-mates together in one spot, which rarely ever happens! Everyone seemed to be having such a good time too. Brian pulled a slip ?n slide out of my cubby (I really have to go through that thing and see what is in there, it?s crazy!) and we got that set up across the floor. Poor Jade took her turn first and went crashing into the wall so I got some pillows to break everyone?s landing. I took a couple of trips down it, once with Antonio and another time with Kitty! I got totally smooshed by Erin after I went down it with Kitty, I think she broke my chest!

Tara came in and she hit me with one of her marbles! My arm didn?t fall off so I guess it wasn?t one of the poison ones. Then she was going on again about how I have to marry Tass and have sex with Talomar (gosh, she?s outta her mind but I love her!) so I tackled her to the ground. Duh, I forgot she?s pregnant but she was okay! And then she was fighting with Des and Gav?I think Gav purposefully eggs her on. Fortunately, that didn?t end in disaster and I think Gav promised to write some mean article about Quinn for me! I don?t exactly remember too much from there on out though?

Something happened with a snow and Lydia and that fire wielder that Sky knows was in there. I don?t like him! And earlier in the night stupid-Sarah was talking to stupid-Cameron about me; do people forget that I have superior hearing? I tune stuff out but it?s hard to ignore when she?s going on and on like a real harpie would, not a cool girl-harpie.

Tara said the evil crocodile is back and he ate my RhyDin Diva Dolls set?now no one is going to want to play with me.

10.10.06

I was so excited to see my darling-of-all-Pixes last night! She had already met Erin so we sat around chit-chatting with her, Miles and Icer was there and Brian came in. Jade came in and she?s been looking real hott sporting these corsets over her dresses?I may have to try that out.

Brian introduced me to his ?friend? Syn and I don?t know what I think about her. She just rubbed me the wrong way. But not gonna do anything about that because?well why should I?

The topic of conversation for the night was planning an orgy. I don?t think I?ll actually attend?Amthy said I could bring Sky but I don?t like to share. I?m such a greedy lover. ?Sides?do I really want to be involved in an orgy with Brian? That could be extremely awkward. I was chatting with Amthy about how I?m so very un-fae regarding my relationships. I can?t help it?the monogamy thing has been drummed into me and I like it. I?ve dallied in the fae ways and their festivities are awful fun to attend but to have complete intimacy with just one person?there?s something special in that. There?s the sense of belonging?that the other person is mine and I?m theirs. It makes you feel special and loved. Yet?I understand the temptation of having several lovers, a person has so much love to give out, we have such big hearts and its nice to be admired too.

But I?m happy with what I have and I don?t really want more?it was just fun to chat about it. And Ammy brought out a great point, more than one man can be trouble! No?I?m content and absolutely satisfied with my Adone.

That young man Gideon was giving Erin some trouble so I went over to them to tell him off. And it was the strangest thing, he told me to go away and I wanted to?or I thought I wanted to but I still felt so angry with that guy! Erin went upstairs with him anyways and I?m sure I would have just brooded if Amthy hadn?t come over to cheer me up. She?s such a delight and we?re going to plan a party! And Erin is going to come to the clubhouse for tea and so is Wyh and Miss Shylah.

Amthy and I left the Inn together and I saw Panther on the way out?gotta remember to tell him that.

10.16.06

I had went to the Inn last night with the intent of having a good time but the second I walked in the door Jade was yelling for my help. Her beau had gotten some poison in him and was just dying right before our eyes?redying? I don?t know the first thing about healing the undead but I set to work anyways.

Let me tell you?it was hard work. I had to move the poison drop by drop through his blood stream and then out of his body. It took a helluva lot of concentration and control on my part, one slip up could have destroyed him. My fingers burned, I felt dizzy and sick. The second I was done I ran and emptied my stomach in the bathroom. Panth was a sweetheart and had tea waiting for me and I used goldenrod to fix my fingers up because they were burned so badly this time.

Skyler came by and you know?it?s like magic. I was tired still but I just felt light and airy with laughter bubbling up inside of me. We were just chatting and it was great. I wouldn?t let him kiss me because I had vomit breath. He makes me feel young (not that I?m not). It?s like I can go back and reinvent myself, relive the last ten plus years all over again without all the awful mistakes that haunt me. Maybe they won?t haunt me anymore?but that makes me laugh. A fool in love, that?s what I am.

We went out on one of his boats to go dancing under the stars. I think we have so much fun together. There?s nothing more peaceful to me than to be out in the wide open water?blue ocean everywhere you look and a starry night sky blanketing the world. It?s like a feeling of truly being at home comes over me. We went swimming even though it was cold but we kept each other warm just fine. We?re good at that.

10.19.06

Would you believe that me?little, incompetent, big-mouthed, can?t-back-up-her-words, Jewell Ravenlock?totally beat the Overlord at a Duel of Fists! He tried to downplay his defeat by saying that he isn?t Overlord of Fists and blah blah?yeah, well I don?t duel at all, soo take that, Cory! Oh?that totally made my?week or something! And Gav is going to post pictures of it in the Oracle. Victory is sweet and knocking Cory down on his ass is sweeter.

The night had started out on a different note with Wyh solidly defeating Brian and then me! It?s obvious who the Dueler in the family is. Sissy and I had fun fighting each other though.

Oh?and when I was fighting Cory Lydia was busy absolutely destroying Ty in a duel! It was so sweet.

Did I mention I beat the Overlord? Yeah. He and I are going to have an all out brawl soon too?no interference or anything like that.

Even though I had to be up super early this morning I just had to run over to Cosmo Beach last night to tell Skyler about my victory.

Mother of nature?I love that guy.

My body is so sore, today! My shoulders and chin are a bit bruised and my backside is super sore from getting knocked down. And I have to sit in this stupid carriage all day to see the kids!

11.02.06

Its funny how love is different every time, isn?t it? With Robin it was this slow torture I was putting myself through, killing myself off bit by bit. Yet, I was still in love, enthralled. He was the center of my universe and I would have done anything for him, I did everything for him.

Alex. Can I even touch that, speak about it? It still hurts, I think it?ll always hurt. So much passion and love for each other but we were careless with our feelings, didn?t try hard enough early enough. We took it for granted, didn?t we? Maybe I didn?t want to work on it?didn?t feel like I had to. I was perfect to him, his soul?s redemption or something. I was his everything. What was he to me? I didn?t allow him to be my reason for life; I couldn?t fall into that destructive solipicism again. If I had, where would I be with him dead? Exactly.

And now I have Skyler. I feel young (which is good because I am!) and alive, full of life. Everything is so brand new and exciting. I can confide in him, trust him. He doesn?t have some mistaken notion of how perfect I am and he doesn?t mind that I?m not. I get excited at the thought of seeing him, down when I don?t. We can be playful, fun, obnoxious?I love being in love.

11.14.06

Yesterday was another horrible day. I had spent all night out in the WestEnd without getting any leads?I don?t know how I missed the murder the other night?and that was like?the third night I went without sleep. I heard rumors of an arrest in the case last night but I didn?t hear anything solid, gonna have to go over to the Sanctuary and see what?s up.

So, I?m in the Inn and Renna comes in carrying Lydia after having tried to eat her. Yeah?it was awful. I had to act all impassive and casual, I can?t let Renna get to me. Erin came in and took Lyds upstairs and then Alex was there. Its so weird having him back and changed. I don?t know how to act towards him.

Well the craziest thing happened next?Alex attacked Renna. Yeah. He said something like, ?Eave her alone.? I guess he must have meant Lydia?unless. The nexus chose to kick my ass at that point.

After resting all afternoon?read: chasing after five kids?I went back to the Inn. I was so tired and just wanted to chill. Sky was there and I wanted to pounce on him the second I saw him but he was talking with Tommy so I stayed away and spoke with Charna. Then the nexus kicked my ass again! It dropped me in the middle of nowhere and it took me two hours to walk back in heels.

Suffice to say I was not happy when I got back into the city. I hung out in the OutBack because Des was calling and chatted with Julie a bit. Then Sky came by?he had been looking for me because he was worried. He really is the sweetest guy ever. He couldn?t stay long, I just wanted to hug him and not let go, but he promised to come see me later.

Amthy stopped by then and we had a fist duel?in the mud pit! It was so much fun. I beat her but she put up a really good fight. Des had these crazy lights going and music playing while we fought?it was neat. We?re gonna have to do it again sometime.

I walked home in just my slip and cami, barefoot and drenched in mud. I cleaned up all nice even though all I wanted to do was pass out. Then I got to spend the night with Skyler. I should have been out in the WestEnd, the Sisters need my help right now, but I?m so tired emotionally and physically?I just needed to be with Sky alone for a little bit. He always makes me feel better.

11.16.06

I don?t know if I even want to write about my day yesterday. Visiting the prison was a success but I can?t be very happy about that. That guard touched me and admired me to his little heart?s content and it makes me feel so dirty. I know I let him do it but that doesn?t take away that feeling of being violated in the same way; I let him do it but I didn?t want him to. And now I feel guilty because of Skyler ontop of it?what a mess I make of things.

Seeing Issy behind bars was so depressing, I wanted to cry. She doesn?t belong back there, not after all she?s done for this city. It?s just?so unfair and there?s not much I can do about it really. So frustrating!

Duels of Magic was at the Inn last night. I wasn?t really in the mood for it but I made a show of enjoying myself in a Duel with Wyh-Sissy. Then Tass came in and sat with me, made me feel a little better until I left the Inn and was alone with my thoughts again. I should have let him walk me home.

I didn?t go to my house, went to Cosmo Beach instead because I wanted to see Sky so bad. I fell asleep waiting for him and didn?t wake up when he came in but I woke up in the middle of the night and he was there and I felt safe and okay again. I love sleeping in his arms.

I probably should go into the West End again tonight. With Issy behind bars and the Sisters with their hands tied somewhat?the West End is getting out of control.

11.22.06

Last night was horrible. I think I would have punched Sky in the face if Sebastian hadn?t tried. How could I even want to do that? That impulse?it made me nervous. But how could he say that to Erin, infront of all those people? Erin is my friend; I always defend my friends. I would defend Skyler if someone said something awful to him. He was awful?and the way he looked at me before he left.

I fell to pieces last night.

I fell to pieces last night. It?s been a while, months maybe, since that?s happened. There?s a whole span of time that I don?t even remember?from leaving the Inn until I came to in the woods this morning right outside the city. I just went back to the Inn and I could feel myself drowning, suffocating under everything. Maybe I overreacted last night. Maybe I could have handled it in a better way. On top of everything, though? I can only deal with so much?

I took the longest bath, it solidified my mind. When I go to pieces like that, everything starts to blend together and the littlest thing will set me off. I had to steel myself, harden my resolve to get things done. I don?t have the option of being weak. People offered their help, a shoulder to cry on perhaps. I don?t want that. I can?t indulge in that luxury anymore.

Look what happens when I do depend on someone. I?ve been learning to lean on Skyler, trust him. I thought?think??we were (are) building something important that would last. I wanted that. But something went wrong last night and I couldn?t find him today to fix it and I needed the support I?ve learned to depend on?Sky?this morning and I didn?t have it so I drowned.

Some times I wish I really could drown. Just let my element embrace me and fill my lungs up and sing me to sleep. It won?t, though. The water does not harm its own child.

Maybe one day.

11.24.06

Yesterday was another bad day. Do I have good days any more? I can?t remember the last one, they?re all colored with gray.

Went to the Inn yesterday afternoon as I was out, listening to hear things. I only heard the trees crying as they are bereft of their leaves. I know how they feel.

Alex was at the Inn. We talked and it wasn?t as awkward as it?s been but it just leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I feel like he?s so sad and when he looks towards me I know I am to blame. I know I could make him happy again but I refuse to give up my happiness for his. Selfish. What the hell am I talking about? It?s not like I?m very happy right now anyways.

Someone left rose petals all over my bed and a rose on my pillow sometime last night. I think it was Skyler because no one else would do that...and very few people can get into my house without my knowing or the wards going off. And I opened my eyes and saw all that soft red and I could just feel the wall crack again. Why do I let these men break through my defenses so easily? I don?t want to be emotionally right now. Ever, if I can help it. I know it?s foolishness to want to keep everyone (but it wouldn?t be everyone?) at arms lengths, that it?ll never work?but I wish it could.

I went back to the Inn last night, too. I don?t know why, I didn?t really feel like being around anyone. It probably would have been better if I had stayed home. Instead, I had to be around stupid-Sarah. What a bitch. She tried to spill her drink on me. Yeah, idiot?maybe try and attack me with something other than my own element next time.

I know if Wyh hadn?t been there I would have just snapped. I?ve been so cool, impassive, and it?s been working. I don?t have to think that way, I can just act when need be. That chick just pushed my buttons, though. She always does. I know I shouldn?t let her make me angry but I really just want to break her ugly face. But Wyh cheered me up talking about her wedding. I?m so happy for her.

Wyh is one of those people I won?t keep at arm?s length?she won?t ever hurt me.

11.26.06

I?m scared. After I was up (not awake because I never slept) and wrote in my journal yesterday?I got a package. Someone left a package for me. It was so nicely wrapped but?oh?no, no?I won?t write what was in it. I can?t. I think I?m going to be sick again just thinking about it.

I think we?re all in way over our heads. I?they/it/whatever knows I?m involved. How many other people have I put in danger now? The children, Lucien?Skyler? I?ve killed them all. Every time I close my eyes I see them all, dead?murdered with their blood splattered everywhere and their bodies cut into little pieces.

I need to stay away from them.

Will I ever be able to sleep again?

I didn?t go into the West End last night. Instead, I ran all over the city to check on everyone?I don?t know where Lucien is staying but I?ll have to find out. I can?t let others get hurt because I was careless?weak.

I wish I had someone to pray to right now.

11.28.06

Yesterday wasn?t as bad as every other day. I spent some time in the library doing research on legal matters?maybe I can help Lucien out somehow.

I wrote to the boarding school and Amanda. Hopefully they?ll make arrangements for Manda and Moradin to stay together, it would make me feel a little better about things.

I?m going to go today and bring ?the package? to the Sanctuary. I can?t have it in my house anymore?I just can?t. I?m going to rewrite what the note says here, maybe I can puzzle out some further meaning later:

Empress Jewell?..
Your immodest pastime misses you so?.......
???perhaps this may aid you in your endeavors of carnal pleasure.

Keep your warm, supple body within the safety of your villa?close thine eyes and enjoy your own sweet surrender???use my generous gift of fresh flesh to tame your wet hunger??at least you will not have to fear of it providing you with yet another open mouth to feed.

Take heed of my good advice, Empress, for if I see you out in the city streets??playing in the darkness of my domain?..acting the role of Scathachian Judge.?casting the arcane arts of old..........I will be forced to bend you deeply, my love, and remind you of your place in this life.....as a wanton harlot of the mighty........while your bloody throat soaks my lips.

I will be watching??..

Had to Duel last night?lost miserably. I?m letting Wyh down this way.

I went to the Inn after my duel, I really wanted to see Skyler but he never showed up. But I spoke to Alysia briefly which is what made me feel so much better (okay?a little better). She?s so wise, collected, calm?one day I?ll be like that. I?m obviously not accomplishing anything by worrying and making myself sick. It?s time to calm down, gather my strength, and just do my best.

?Evil cannot cross running water.? I?m going to look into that more today. I?ve heard it, know it, but I?m not sure to what extent it has been proven true. Also, there are several meanings of it.

I was thinking, if I wanted the Villa to be more fortified I should have more water nearby. It is already partially surrounded by water?perhaps I can divert that stream?that?ll be a lot of work. I can do it.

I?m still concerned about getting Lucien involved but I think we?ll need his help.

I had a Will drawn up?how morbid. It took me a while to figure out who should have co-guardianship of the kids with Alex but I think I made the right choice.

I want to see Sky but I?m too scared to go visit him. What if he doesn?t want to see me? What if I draw this enemy?s attention to him by visiting?

11.30.06

Last night was almost 100% perfect. Poor little James was hurt?that will not go unpunished. But I was with Skyler and nothing could keep my down.

I was so excited that he came, there was the little seed of doubt that maybe something would come up (read: Tommy) and he wouldn?t be able to. But he did and it was great! I?ve been to countless dances before but I?ve never had that giddy excited feeling I had for this one. He looked so good?I love having a socially presentable looking beau?and he liked me dress.

And then he kissed me. It wasn?t like anything ever before. It was like that song that was playing last night??If you wanna know if he loves you so, it?s in his kiss.? Everything was just clear and wonderful. We fight, we?re going to fight (we both have such strong personalities) but that doesn?t mean he stops loving me. I feel so silly. I?ve been through relationships before but it?s like starting over new, relearning everything. Everything is so different with Sky but I like it; I feel so alive.

I think, sometimes, that I let myself get complacent. I think, ?I have so much time ahead of me to do such and such? that I forget to live every moment and enjoy it. I want to live every day like it was my last and get the most out of life as long or short as it may be for me.

Oh! And dancing with Skyler? Hott. I?ve danced with tons of guys before and all I remember are sweaty palms and grabby hands and my poor toes getting crushed during awkward conversation. With us, it was just?intimate.

I?m going to go out into the West End again. I can?t let this psycho dictate my actions. I refuse to live in fear. That doesn?t mean I won?t be safe, though. I?m going to schedule myself so I don?t wear myself out. I hope Sky and I don?t clash over this because it is something I have to do. My friends deserve such loyalty from me. I can protect my children and friends. If no one stops this person than more people will be harmed, maybe people I love.

With things okay with Skyler I feel invigorated. Blood lust is singing in my veins and I can feel the hum of magic and mana that saturates RhyDin. It?s calling me to use it, to dole out my own justice.

12.05.06

Had a long day yesterday, I spent some time in the library doing research and then came home to go over my affairs. The value of the two properties I own near the West End is going down because of all the murders. It?s not really something to concern me too much, but I know the two men who lease the buildings are going to want their rent to go down.

I went to the Outback last night; it was late by the time I got there and fairly empty. Koy was there and that guy Matt?I think that?s her beau?and some other lady. Koy and I fought, big surprise that I lost. I don?t feel bad losing to her, though, because she?s one of the best fighters that DoF has. I do feel bad that I didn?t put up much of a fight because she seemed like she needed it.

We talked a little about pain?how it?s a distraction and a reminder. People think she?s nuts because she likes to get hit sometimes but people cut themselves to stay the tide of mental and emotional pain?I?ve cut myself. I haven?t done that in a long, long time. When I came to RhyDin, fist fights and bar brawls took the place of that, took away the need for it. I could go in and get the life beaten out of me so I couldn?t possibly think on anything but how much my body hurts. Sometimes I still do that, don?t I?

Koy mentioned how pain is a reminder that one is still alive. It?s so true because there are few times that I feel more alive than when I am fighting?my blood is flowing and adrenaline is pumping. It?s exhilarating. Then the pain comes and you at least know that you can still feel.

People tend to think I?m crazy for dating Sky, but maybe?maybe he?s crazy for being with me. I doubt most think that way (at least, no one has said that yet) but I do.

I think too much. I was thinking about Alex and how I used to do stuff to get his attention like flirt with other men. There was a time I?d do anything to get him to publicly display affection?we did that to each other, hurt to show love. But I don?t need to pull those stunts anymore.

I just want to sit down and talk with Sky about this kind of stuff. I want to talk honestly with him without being afraid that he?ll get angry or be hurt. He always sees things so clearly and I want him to see me clearly.

12.07.06

All those etiquette lessons were for nothing; I still say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Last night I told Skyler that when I get out of control and broken, like I was the other night, that I?d go home with anyone. What!? What in the multiverse would possess me to say that to Skyler, of all people. Not only did it come out totally wrong but it?s not true.

I saw him twice yesterday and it was just awkward and tense at times. I told him that I don?t think he trusts me but why should he, anyways? I?m not trustworthy. I can?t even trust myself.

He left the Inn upset, but he said not at me. He?s blaming himself for whatever is going wrong because he?s not around enough. And?that?s not his fault, he had responsibilities and I shouldn?t need him around all of the time like that.

Tara came in just as Skyler left and I just couldn?t be in the bad mood I wanted to be in. It?s been forever since I?ve seen her. We were meant to be friends, I just know it. Sometimes, I think it?s unfair that I didn?t meet her sooner, wasn?t born earlier. We mix serious conversation and so much fun together. I think, sometimes, when I see Tara I see myself, 600 years from now. I can?t see myself ever becoming a scabologist?maybe I?m not making any sense.

Chris was coming in just as I was leaving?I missed our RPS Guy. And Sissy was there but I had to go home, alone. I really hate that.

I need to find time to speak with Issy.

12.13.06

I don?t get it. Maybe guys, I mean the guys that really mean something to me, when I?m alone? Alex never liked to be around me when I was around my friends?it seems like Skyler doesn?t like that either.

Maybe he just really wasn?t feeling good yesterday. I don?t know. I?d hate to think that I?m unlikable when I?m hanging out with Brian and Chris, just goofing around. That?s part of me, too?that playfulness. I could just be making something out of nothing, I do that.

I?m going to go shopping today.

12.16.06

Rage. I haven?t been able to get rid of this rage inside of me since Thursday. That?bitch. I, I haven?t even been able to write I?m so angry. That murderer just destroyed, murdered?slaughtered, the entire family. Every last one of them. No, they couldn?t find the baby. I want to be sick. Worse than that, I want to take whoever is doing this and slowly strangle them?just watch the life drain from their face. So close to home. This is all my fault, I?ve put these people in danger. I didn?t heed the warning and now blood is on my hands.

It?s not the first time.

I can?t relax anymore, I have to be on guard every moment. We aren?t being aggressive enough, we have to find out who is doing this.

12.28.06

Last night was absolutely great. Tara came into the Inn and Skyler totally played along with me. I can?t even explain how happy that makes me. I think that part of the reason that Alex and I just failed is because we weren?t involved in each other?s lives (I?m not going to dwell on that anymore!) and having Skyler just jump in and take part in the madness that is Tara and I just?it made me feel so good. We set the Inn on fire, blamed it on Skyler, paralyzed a man. It was great. I really love Skyler more every day.

Then today had the potential of being really bad because I decided that, if I could find Alex I would talk to him. We bumped into each other at the Inn and had our talk. It wasn?t going to well at first, I was too angry and defensive. It was hard, all of this stuff has just been building up for years now and we?ve been so bad at communicating. He?s going to come and see the kids, play a bigger part in their lives again. I think we left off okay and maybe it won?t be so awkward around each other. We agreed to just let the bitterness and the past go?I think that?s the only way we?ll ever be able to be around each other and I want us to be able to. Things will never be like they were when we were just family or when we were married but maybe they can be something else now but still good?

After I spoke with Alex I found Skyler out on the porch with Issy and Trixie?that was way weird, as neither Skyler nor Issy was bleeding yet! We left the Inn together, I love walking home with him and just chatting about everything and anything or being silent together.

I?m just chilling a little bit now, tonight will probably be a long night for the Warlord Tournament.

1.2.07

Saw Keaton last night, that?s a rare treat. It was good just to see him, see that he was okay and everything even with all the murders and whatnot going on and his obvious ties to Trixie. Issy came in too; it felt good to be surrounded by close friends. I know that I have a lot of friends but there are only a few that I would say are really close, people that are like family to me.

I put such an emphasis on family but I don?t mean it in the traditional sense that many people regard it as. People are all about blood, but what did blood ever do for me? My blood brother means nothing to me; my parents are a distant (barely happy) memory. I learned to rely on me back at home and when I came here and that wasn?t enough to get by, I learned to rely on a small group of people. That was my family; they?re still my family. They?re the people I?m endlessly loyal to, that I would give my life for. I?d give it for them freely, no reserves. I hope my kids can learn that loyalty from me, if they learn anything.

When I went to the Inn last night James was fighting with G?Nort about the things he had said concerning Skyler and some other faux-political nonsense; it was all just mud-slinging insults. I saw the posters he (James) put up, though?about the conversation. It kind of pissed me off, and I?m pretty hard to get upset over such petty things. I ripped one of the posters down this morning when I was on my way home; this line really rubs me the wrong way??Your friend would probably be happier with fifty bucks.? I know he?s saying that?s greater than Skyler?s value, which isn?t true, but that also makes me seem rather cheap. Stupid pricks. This is why I hate politics.

We (Issy, Keaton, G, Panther, Lenika, myself) were discussing politics for quite some time. I idly mentioned that maybe I should run for governor. I probably should, I?d win over G?Nort and Talomar any day, I?ve got the power, the influence, the background. I?d be good at it, I was trained for such a position. I just hate politics. I don?t mind playing stupid socialite games because in the end they?re all meaningless. However, when those same games (rumors, lies, etc.) are being played by politicians, people?s lives and well-being could very well be at stake. That?s just wrong.

This morning, after I was out all night in the West End, I saw Natsuki at the Inn as I was getting some coffee before heading home. She had wanted to talk to me last night but we didn?t get a chance, so we went into the Alley for a little chat. My cheeks are still burning red! She was asking me all about kissing: is it nice, who should she kiss, how do you kiss, so on and so forth. I didn?t know what to say to her, half the time! She?s so sweet and na?ve, I don?t want some stupid guy taking advantage of her. I feel like I?m really mother to eight kids, sometimes, not just seven.

1.07.07

Last night had the potential to be good. I went down to the Arena, practice and all; sometimes it?s just nice for a change of scenery and people to talk with. I got to fight against Topaz?that was really an honor. I didn?t do too horribly against her. Then Sartan and Rory were there, I really enjoy their company a lot! I fought against Sartan, lost again but it was really fun! We were just fooling around.

Cory ruined it though. Big surprise. I think I acted fairly composed around him but he really just put me in a bad mood all day today. It?s raining, though, so I?m going to wander around in it until I can smile again.

1.17.07

I spoke with Renna; I feel better about a few things now.

The other night, Lain and Leslie made me so angry, Alex too. I entered the Inn to find Alex injured and I went over to make sure he was okay and see if there was anything I could do?I know he can?t be healed and since both of us are in a similar boat with that it?s not like I haven?t learned alternative methods to keeping us alive over the years. He didn?t seem like he wanted anything to do with me or my offer. Fine, whatever. Then Leslie hit me with her wings because she was acting like a spastic child who was taught absolutely no self-control whatsoever. I yelled at her and then Lain felt the need to step in on Leslie?s behalf and yell at me (what is she, that girls mother? Ridiculous?Leslie is eighteen). Nothing like being ganged up on by supposed family members; it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I made it clear to Brian that Lain may be family but she is certainly not my family. I don?t want anything to do with her.

Yesterday morning made me feel a little better. After spending all night out in the West End I crashed at the Inn for a few hours. I woke up because there was some noise downstairs and whom do I find?Brian, Wyheree, Lain, and Alex sleeping on the couch. Lain tried to go back to sleep after I came down, big surprise, so I was just chatting with Bri and Wyh for a little bit?I love both of them. I couldn?t stay long, though, because I had to get home to be with the kids.

Had my shift with Wyh last night and it was pretty busy. Erin had some sort of meltdown over trouble with Sebastian. That Stephen guy pissed me off but the night ended on a good note because I got to walk home with Skyler.

1.31.07

Skyler?s dead. It?s been a week, now. Just looking at that??Sklyer?s dead??written down makes me want to cry again. I?m sick of crying, though, but that?s all I seem able to do lately.

I look back at my last journal entry?it seems like forever ago. He was just supposed to go on vacation for a little while; he wasn?t supposed to leave forever. He told me he?d come back to me. Now I?m sitting here, alone.

I?m not really alone. Wyh and Tass have been at my side the whole time. I know this isn?t easy on them but I just can?t stop, it?s eating me up inside. Every single joy in life is tainted by this, now. I need to move on so that they can move on but I don?t want to.

I know that I?ll just keep living and that soon, I?ll be able to act the same again?the old me. But it won?t be the old me, not anymore. I can pretend. It will all be a game of pretend, just like make believe tea and one-legged porcupines attacking us in the woods. It?ll just be pretend happiness because my family deserves my smiles, they don?t deserve what this is doing to them.

2.12.07

I am not happy. I don?t even know how well I?m feigning happiness?if others believe me or not. I don?t think they do; everywhere I go I feel their sad, pitying eyes on me.

I don?t want their pity, I don?t! Their pity makes me remember what I don?t have right now?a reminder of why they?re pitying me in the first place. When I go out, I want to at least pretend everything?s okay and they?re making that impossible!

I dueled the other night, which was painful. I don?t mean physically painful?I like the pain, I wanted it. But it was painful being in that damn arena without Skyler. All I could think about was the Warlord Tournaments and the Overlord challenge. I wanted him there so I could cheer him on, or he could be obnoxious?I didn?t care what.

I used Skyler?s sword when fighting. I?ve never used a samurai sword before?I need to read up on it?but somehow it just felt fitting. It?s just one more way to hold onto him.

I?ve been going into the West End a lot at night. It?s better than trying to sleep alone?I hate sleeping without Sky.

The pain isn?t lessening, it feels hallow in my chest. People say it?ll get better but it?s just not. I?m still on the edge of this chasm and I want to fall in. I don?t want to keep living like this. I want Skyler at my side.

I want someone to just beat the hell out of me so I can just think about anything else but Skyler. I want to feel alive again.

2.15.07

Yesterday can go down as one of the worst days of my life, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I?m not hung over, I haven?t slept, and I have this horrible mixture of guilt and embarrassment weighing on me. Let?s not forget about the general depression and grief still eating away at my insides, shall we? Nature?I?m such a sarcastic bitch at times, even to my own journal.

I think it all went wrong when I decided to get out of bed in the morning, that?s always a bad decision. I went to Erin?s gala as planned, it was nice to chat with friends but I wasn?t in the mood to be around anyone. Three weeks of Skyler being gone and a day that is set aside for lovers? Obviously a day I should have spent alone, all by myself, curled up crying in bed.

After the luncheon, I went to the cemetery in an attempt to see how long my body can withstand freezing temperatures and snow (and also to plead with Skyler to come back to me even though I know it doesn?t really seem to be working, does it?). You know, just incase I ever need to know that. It turns out that after an hour of sitting in the snow in only a dress, I am pretty close to putting myself in real peril. Note that for later.

Can you tell I?m getting cynical?

Nothing goes better with a little peril than having to break into my room at the Dragon so no one will see me in my state of pathetic-ness and then going down to the common room and getting drunk. Obviously a big mistake. Why did I let that man get anywhere near me? He was nice enough, but I don?t want male attention. I don?t want any attention! And then he grabbed my wrist; I thought I was going to snap, explode, fall apart. Something! No matter how old I get, that one gesture is enough to break me. I do not like feeling restrained from leaving a situation in any way. I don?t think he meant any harm by it?or is that just me, making excuses once again? Stephen was more than kind. His kindness was somewhat unexpected but more than appreciated.

I didn?t dare go to sleep last night.

2.19.07

I keep thinking, ?Last week was the worst week ever, I?ve hit rock bottom, it can?t get any worse? but it does. Everything unravels and I?m left exposed.

Tommy came into the Inn last night?such audacity! I could have started something, ahd the whole freakin? Inn on my side, but it would have been too easy?I will take Tommy out and do it by myself. I told Wyh and Des not to touch him, Icer too. She seemed pissed but screw her?this is my fight. Mine! Spoke with Cieara afterwards, before we got too smashed, about speaking with her parents for some ideas?I think I will.

Then Julie tried to physically stop me from getting drunk. If she ever gets in my way again?she is not family in my eyes any longer. She called me spoiled. Stupid, selfish, witch?so involved her in her own world! She is the spoiled one. People in this city are dying, murdered, and I?m out there all the time trying to help.

One day I really may snap.

Rena and this chick were bad mouthing Sky?I will remember that.

Tass was there when I was leaving last night. I was drunk but I think he was drinking too?his eyes were dark. I think he probably could have used a friend and I wasn?t there for him. Nice way to repay my friend. He and I need to have a chat soon?

I need that spa day now more than ever. I almost really lost control last night. I need to train more, find control.

Poor Cor. He tried giving me flowers last night; I guess he was just trying to cheer me up. Nice gesture, I?ll have to thank him.

2.24.07

I?ve been running around, too busy to keep up with this thing. Not that I can clearly express my thoughts, anyways, my mind is such a mess. We?ll just have to settle for a brief summary.

I went to the Inn the other night; I had to try and convince Natsuki not to worry about me dying. I have no intention of dying and I?d like to think I?m rather hard to kill. Wound, yes. Kill? No. Maybe I think too highly of myself but I?m not afraid to run from a situation that could lead to my death and I have any number of ways to extract myself from undesirable situations.

After that, we had a guild meeting. That was chaos like usual and ended in Tara trying to run an auction for me?with me being the prize. It was awful. I probably could have laughed it off but she kept appealing to Tass to come and marry me and I was so mortified! After what I said to Tass and what was going on between us, I wanted to sink into a hole and die. I love Tara but I could have easily strangled her at that point. Can you believe that it was Tass, of all people, that stepped in to save the day (Kitty, too). Not that I was really surprised but maybe just a little, I didn?t deserve his help after the way I treated him. I didn?t deserve any display of kindness from him. We spoke on the porch afterwards; I think we cleared some things up between us. I love Tass, I really do. No one is better to me than him. I told him I think he?s the best man I?ve ever known.

Sooo?Stephen. I?m unsure how to act around him. Is he interested in me or what? I feel so clueless and that is so frustrating! You?d think after thirty years I?d know how to act around men, right? He told me to visit his ship some time so I did, I don?t know if he was surprised that I actually showed up. He was really nice, though, and we sat in his cabin while he told me the story of the Goddess Rhiannon. He said it was his wife?s (I want to ask about her, he seems like that pain is still fresh maybe) favorite story and that something about me reminded him of the Goddess?my ?quiet strength.? I?m sure I must have blushed like a little girl. It amazes me that anyone could think I?m strong, especially Stephen, after I?ve been such a mess for the past few weeks (which is actually just a continuation of me being a mess for my entire life).

Then he gave me these three pendants; he said they were derived from the story of Rhiannon. They belonged to his wife, it almost felt wrong taking them?wouldn?t he want to keep something precious to her? At the same time, I was honored and maybe a little overwhelmed and touched that he would freely give them to me, of all people! What did I do to deserve such a valued gift? There?s three of them and he said they each stand for different things?protection and healing, stability and security, strength and courage. They?re really beautiful, different. Nature, my cheeks are burning just writing about all this. When did I become such an easily affected female?

I really don?t know what to do or how to act. Are we just friends? Do I even want something more? It?s so soon, and Skyler? I have to stop thinking like that! The other night, in the Arena, I just went and sat by Stephen. He was being pretty nice to me when Kairee was pissing me off; why does she have to keep pushing me? Wanted to know if I was done being angst-y. Everyone should just let me mourn in my own way!

I think Stephen is nicer to me than he is to most, but he doesn?t want anyone to know that. Is that not so like Skyler? I?m not supposed to tell anyone about the pendants. Maybe I?m attracted to guys that need me in some way. Or I just bring out some nice side of people for some reason?I think that?s odd.

3.03.07

I put out a bounty on the Gossip GangSTAR. He?s gone too far! He wrote: ?It appears we missed Jewell macking with Stephen in the Outback Monday night. What is it about the Outback that makes people want to smooch? Oh, how fast they move on in this city! Poor Skyler's barely cold.? How?UGH! I?m so angry I can?t even clearly articulate my feelings. Then, he referred to my ?skanky ways?! Someone better deliver him to me and then I will make sure that he understands, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just how much pain I can put him in.

The worst thing is, I hear him in my head again. With Skyler?s help, and talking to him about it all, it seemed to go away for a while. Now it?s just ?skank? and ?whore,? ?useless slut? again and again until I want to pull my hair and scream. If this keeps up?I don?t know what I?m going to do. I?m running out of ways to keep myself busy! Time spent with the kids, double the amount of time scouting in the End?anything so that I?m so exhausted every day I can?t think, my body just goes on autopilot and I am numb. It?s not working, though. I still hear him just?berating me every freakin? moment!

Sometimes I think that maybe it?s just me. How could he really still be in my head like this after all these years? Maybe I just hear it again because I believed it then and I still believe it now?I?m just giving another voice to my own disgusting self-revelations. That has to be it, I think. I tried everything to get rid of it: cut it out, bleed it out until there was almost nothing left (or maybe it just goes down that deep), let people beat it out of me over and over. It?s still there, lurking about and waiting for me to fall so it can come in for the kill, for control.

It snowed today. That made me feel better about?well, everything! Maybe not everything, but it was easier to pretend. I went to the Inn and Stephen was there and he didn?t look so good. I chatted with a man named Harold, he was very nice, and Victor and Lenni! She really looks striking with that short, dark hair. Gorgeous. I thought Stephen was just going to leave then without saying a word to me (should I admit that I probably would have been hurt by that) but instead he asked me to go with a walk for him later (I have to go get changed in a minute?) and then he said that he wanted to kiss me but didn?t want to cause me grief over him. He really is sweet, isn?t he? And I was nervous, because I don?t know how much more of this gossip stuff I can take, but I kissed him anyways because that?s what I wanted to do then and not just because I wanted to because that?s what he wanted too.

Whatever this is that is going on it?s going to go slow. I think I need that, right? Or?damn I don?t even know. I?m just hurt and all broken up inside, I miss Skyler, and there?s something about Stephen?I just like being around him. I guess that?s enough for right now.

Oh! I really need to go get changed but one of the funniest things happened the other night. Poor Cor was elected to ask Issy to lead him, Baker, and Reap to the Isle of Lesbos. I almost died! Just her look, he?s so lucky she didn?t destroy him!

3.08.07

Last night was?good. It didn?t start so good, though. Jonas was asking me for advice on what Dameon should do with the Lerida and Sera situation. He liked Lerida, Lerida died, he now likes Sera and Lerida is back. The whole thing just struck too close to home. I started thinking about Alex and Skyler and did I make the right choice? I love Skyler but maybe if I didn?t leave Alex none of this mess would have happened, Skyler would be alive, I wouldn?t be?whatever. I can?t think about this.

That just put me in a bad mood, and then Rome was coming up and trying to get my attention, Dusty was getting impatient trying to get my attention, Stephen was there. I just felt like I was losing it again and over nothing!

But then I went and sat with Stephen and we played cards. It was fun! The first round, I won his hat from him (maybe I should have asked for his shirt instead?) and the second round he won and he asked me for information?he wanted to know my middle name and the meaning of my first. I don?t know if anyone has ever asked me that before, I liked it. I never got a chance to ask my mother why ?Jewell,? I wish I knew. I can?t believe I went and told him part of my name, though, my real name. Not that I don?t think of Jewell as my name, because it is and it?s part of me. However, it?s a use-name and the name tied to who I am?well, that?s different. That was given for a reason that I know and it has significance, all of whom I am is tied up in it. I never got the chance to tell it to Skyler, I wanted to. I knew I could trust him with it. That?s a lot of trust, risking letting someone take complete control over me. I only told Stephen the first part, but I think I could trust him with it all?I don?t know why I think that, I just do.

He told me his real first name is Conail. I like the way it sounds rolling off my tongue. I like the meaning the best, ?a warrior of the sea,? he said. I think it fits.

Mercy sat around with us and chatted for a while. Stephen said something that stuck in my mind, about how he?d never hit a woman, at least not one that didn?t hit him first. It just got me thinking when I heard it?just, yeah.

Maybe I do have anger problems.

I told Stephen about the kids. I think it made him sad but I didn?t want to not tell him, they?re my life. He walked me part of the way home, it?s nice walking next to him.

3.14.07

I got burned by hellfire. The memory is distant now, faded?like a dream. I don?t know what Tass did to make it so. Perhaps he should have let me continue to suffer, a warning not to get burned again, not to be so horribly reckless! That is the second time that the good Lord Veighn has bested me in a fight. It?s not surprising?did I truly think I would win? Hardly. I didn?t care though. He killed that little girl and said Viki was his. I cannot lose Viki, will not. Tara has gone away and that means I must take care of our girlies. Where is Am?thyst? I need to locate her?what if she?s missing again? No no no, I can?t think like that. Have to stop. No one is going to leave me.

Tass said that Stephen brought my to him. I remember him being there, in the Inn, when I got hurt and I vaguely remember him asking me if I was okay. Then Tasha was working her magic and after that are a lot of blurred images and sounds because of the spell. I remember hearing his voice, though. I don?t know what he said, would have said?maybe it was just my delirium. I can?t believe he had to carry me all the way to Tass?s place. I?m such a nuisance to everyone! I?m so mortified.

Whatever Tass did to me, I feel better?probably even better than I felt before the fight.

3.18.07

Backtrack. Only been three days but a lot has happened.

Thursday was like?the best and worst. Started out pretty good in the early afternoon, I was a the Inn and Wyh showed up and she was real worried about me because Stephen had told her about how I got hurt. I reassured her and we chatted a little bit about Stephen, I love chatting with my Sissy!

After that is when things went to hell. That Cass slut came in. I felt so dizzy with all the words and nonsense flying back and forth; I don?t even know what exactly was going on. Wyh started in on her about the stuff she?s been giving to Stephen to take and how it?s hurting him. I know he mentioned to me that he needed it to sleep?I didn?t know how much harm it could do. I feel so na?ve. Wyh and Icer threatened her physically, but that really wasn?t going to do any good. That chick couldn?t land a punch if she practiced for a week and I left myself wide open for one. She somehow got Stephen to sign over the Pride and Fury to her. I gotta help fix this somehow.

We exchanged Cass?s presence for Stephen and I swear things just got worse after that. He looked awful and the afternoon turned into some kind of public intervention with Wyh and Icer telling him he has to stop whatever he?s been doing. I stayed quiet; I don?t know about these kinds of things, I?ve never dealt with this before! I want him to stop whatever he?s doing just as much as them if it?s hurting him but I didn?t think yelling at him in front of other people was really going to do the trick. Like I said, though, I just didn?t know. So clueless and useless sometimes.

I asked him not to go back to her, though, and he came upstairs to the room I keep at the Inn to rest instead. I just watched over him all afternoon, got him to clean up some when he woke. Then I followed him downstairs, I felt so timid and unsure what to say, if I should even say anything. Like walking on glass.

Things got better after a while and we started talking. He was pretty upset about me getting hurt, about the possibility of losing me. I don?t like making people upset but that made my heart swell a little. We went outside and he told me about his wife and baby, Annie and Erin. I won?t write it down here but I?ll never forget it. It?s still tearing him up inside, he feels all this guilt. I felt, still feel, helpless to make that go away?now I know how others feel when they talk to me sometimes. I would take it away from him and lock it up inside of myself with all those dark secrets if I could. Make him stop hurting.

I guess he feels like he?s be disloyal to her because he cares for me. A heart is such a tricky little organ, isn?t it? I told him I think it?s possible to love more than one person, and I truly believe that now. How long did I fight with this question? I have to be right. I loved Alex and a part of me will always love Alex. I loved Skyler too and I always will. But now?I?m falling in love with Stephen, aren?t I? Or am I already in love. I get scared when I think about it too much.

He asked me if he could stay the night with me and just sleep by my side. I wanted that very much too and it was just nice. I slept really well.

After we spoke outside, we went back in and just chatted with Woody, Wyh, Icer and others. I like how social he can be and playful. I just love being around him.

This is so super long but I still have a ton to write about last night!

I was pretty pissed by what that stupid Gossip GangSTAR had written about me again and started drinking pretty early. Soon enough, Issy and Eddie joined me, Icer too. Then Bri and Jen came in?how exciting is that? I saw Bri not too long ago already, but not JenJen! So great! Alex and Lain showed up too?not so exciting for the latter. I meant to ask her how her ear was doing. I?m such a bitch! Reeni made an appearance, she?s awesome. Then a new Sister?Akemi! I thought she was totally going to kill me for being a bad influence on the Sisters but by the end of the night we were getting along real well.

Now for the real important part: this huuuuge dude walks in (I?m talking taller than like, Alex maybe!), pretty hott though not exactly my usual type. He comes over to our table, addresses me by name, and then addresses Issy. Issy gets up, stares at this dude like she?s seen a ghost, then jumps into his arms and kisses him! Yes, I just wrote that and no, I?m not still drunk from last night. Issy kissed him! His name?s Scorp (yeah, the guy she mentioned in the ass biting story just the other day that I?ve been meaning to ask about).

There was so much chatting and drinking going on after that I can?t keep it all straight. I wouldn?t have drank so much if I knew we were gonna be talking business later but I just thought the girls all needed a night to wind down. Turns out Issy wrote to Scorp asking him to come and help with all the trouble going on. I just can?t believe she?s never told me about him! I?m going to lay into her so bad when I see her next. Little miss I-hate-men! Seriously! She?s been faking us all the whole freakin? time! Her reputation is so totally busted on this. Maybe he?ll help her lighten up a bit, she?s probably got enough sexual frustration built up to drive ten girls crazy.

There was bar dancing and just general madness last night. Seems like we?re finally going to crack down on the West End though, that?s cool. I?m all for that.

I love the Sisters and I love that I get to be like their own, it feels good.

One more thing I forgot that Issy had said to me earlier. She said that Stephen is a lot better than Skyler (I probably looked like she slapped me when she said it) and that sometimes you have to go through pain and other stuff to get to a good place (or something like that, I was already four shots in by that point!). So, I guess she thinks this is my better place. We?ll see, yeah?

3.21.07

It?s early?real early. I slept a little last night, but not much. Not enough. I had to sleep with the light on, how old am I? Four? I can?t not, though, I?ll wake up yelling for help and then I?d have ten tall women crowding into my room in no time. Just what I?ve always wanted.

Even with the lights on, I still dream. I dream of my hands covered in the blood of my own children, of hearing their voices as they?re dragged off by a specter into the night. I feel Devyn?s little hands grasping my neck, crying, and begging me not to leave her.

Yesterday, I went out to the cemetery just to leave some flowers on Skyler?s grave real quick. I didn?t like being out in town alone but it was a good thing I went, you?ll never believe who I found there: Renna. She was hurt really badly, all stabbed, and impaled! I tried to do what I could for her?she took some of my blood. I have this nasty bite mark on my neck now and it?s all bruised around. Turns out human teeth are just not as efficient as vampire teeth. It looks awful. I have to make sure to cover it before I even leave the room this morning.

Between not sleeping for two days and giving some blood up to Renna, I was so beat for my shift last night. I left early?Stephen insisted on escorting me to the Sanctuary. I was just going to go by myself (I wasn?t going to tell anyone how freaked out I still am, how I ran all the way to the Inn to make it for my shift) but then he made me feel guilty?used this whole, ?Well, if you don?t want me to walk with you.? Like I wouldn?t want to spend time with him, right! Why is he so nice to me? I don?t deserve that. I don?t deserve any of this from anyone.

It?s raining now. I don?t have a window to see it, but I can hear it a little?I just know it is. I want to go out and dance in it but I know I?m just going to end up staying here.

Trixie offered for me to stay at her flat instead. I think I feel better just being around the Sisters, though. I feel bad not telling Wyh what?s going on?dishonest, almost.

3.24.07

The night before last was good. Just some time spent at the Inn with Stephen and Issy, Scorp came along later. We were making some joke about Scorp taking Issy and myself back to Metro. If Issy went, I can?t say I wouldn?t be tempted to go. RhyDin is home but what is home without the people that make it so? I have tons of friends but Issy is more than a friend, and with Tara gone away?life feels empty of, well..life without her and I refuse to let any other friends slip away. For all the strength I supposedly have, I can?t handle that.

If Stephen keeps acting so hott, I?m going to just jump him in the Inn one of these days and I swear it won?t be my fault.

Yesterday, not such a good day. Two months since Skyler died. So?yeah, just not a good day. I spent most of it in bed before I wandered out at night. I haven?t liked being out alone at night recently, in the daytime it?s a little better. However, it was rainy and it?s so easy to walk unseen in the rain. My element wraps me up in its loving embrace and no one can touch me. I was thoroughly soaked, and fairly drunk, by the time I got to the Dragon, having made several stops at some dive bars along the way. I was drinking vodka, Skyler?s favorite. I only ever liked the way it tasted when it was on his lips.

When I got to the Inn, I spoke with Cieara. I really like her a lot. All the DeAusters, in fact. I went inside with her instead of wallowing in my misery, I was told it?s time to think of the good memories. Fey wine helps with that, and good company. Of course, that went straight to hell when Tommy came in. So predictable! I knew he wouldn?t be able to stay away, not yesterday. He comes in, shooting off his big mouth, angry because of my calling card (gotta thank Cie for that idea!). Threatened me, threatened my children. That seems to be a trend these days. Just one more reason to make his death as painful as possible!

3.27.07

I went to the Outback every night. You know, there?s something to be said for running everywhere under the guise of glamour every night because I?m so paranoid that someone is following me?I?m totally in even better shape than I usually am! Of course, I still lost my first duel last night. I can?t believe Des made me fight in the pool?in my white dress! Bran totally beat me, in my own element too! Shameful.

Then Art, after taking a picture of me fairly exposed, and I had to duel in the Pit. Soooo gross! But we actually had a ton of fun, he had me laughing the whole time. And I beat him! It really cheered me up. Afterwards I sat and chatted with my darling Sissy and then Koy asked if we would wear clothes for her for this Swords Madness competition. I?m so psyched for that!

I?ve just been happier in general lately. Not that I?m still not sad, because I am. It?s just?life doesn?t seem like it?s so terribly awful? Yeah, someone threatened my kids and I miss them every single minute of every day right now but at least they?re safe, right? And I can?t mourn for Skyler forever even though I miss him every day too. And eventually we?ll figure out this West End problem. Eventually I?ll see Tara again while for now I do have my other friends who love me dearly. And then there?s Stephen.

You know, sometimes I?m so optimistic it makes me sick.

3.30.07

Renna is just gone?her and Cher?een left RhyDin. Who knows when they?ll be back. That actually makes me really sad. I know Renna has done all these horrible things but she?s still Renna and Lucy is still there somewhere, right? Just kind of bummed me out.

But! I saw Stephen yesterday afternoon and he walked back to the Sanctuary with me and I saw him again last night (and this morning?). There was a small group at the Inn last night so we were playing ?Never Have I Ever.? It was fun, drank way too much. I ended up saying the stupidest thing to Cassie about handcuffs and crying. I?m so glad no one else seemed to hear it, Erin and Chi were doing their own thing and Stephen was half asleep.

I stayed with him at the Inn. He carried me up the stairs. Did I ever mention how much I absolutely love his arms? How nice it was to be that near him?makes me feel safe and cherished. Something like that. He says these things to me?like about trailing a million kisses over my tummy?and I swear they?re the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. Mother of nature?I?m turning scarlet right now I just know it. I love being near him.

4.05.07

Last night was so full of highs and lows, stars above I felt like an overly emotional pregnant woman again! First Wyheree and I were chatting about the upcoming Swords Tournament and how I may end up fighting Tommy if he and I both win our first rounds. Whoever planned that chart-thingy is so gonna get it! And that goon has almost better timing than I do because he showed up a little bit later. Our usual pleasant words were exchanged and he left.

Stephen was there too, so that counteracts most of the badness of other people, right? Well, then Veighn, Travanix, and that stupid spider-chick all showed up! Stupid spider-chick was making eyes at Stephen and tried to kiss his cheek. Maybe she really is desperately in love with me and that?s why she must target any of the men I?m interested in? Doesn?t make sense.

I made a new friend! Her name is Sianna; Stephen introduced us. She seemed very sweet, is an excellent singer, and plays the lute very well, also. Those two latter skills made me feel a little ashamed. All those lessons I had to take have been very much wasted because I rarely practice my singing (save to sing to the children) or any of the instruments I was forced to bend my fingers to so long ago. She played one song and Stephen asked me to dance with him?that was one of the night?s highs. I may be lacking in any variety of ways but I will always be an excellent dancer and Stephen makes a wonderful partner.

Veighn tried to chat with me casually about my ?injury??as if he wasn?t the one that tried to kill me. I think his presence upset Stephen, which I find endearing. However, because Alysia was there (at least, I think that is the reason) Veighn did not speak to me for long and turned his attention to her instead.

Stephen. That man is driving me crazy?in a good way. In a way that I am going to completely jump him any day now. I don?t think I?ve ever met a man that has made me want him so much like this. I?m a fairly sexual creature, and I?m very open about it as well. Somehow, though, he manages to fluster me anyways. He whispers these things to me?just so hott. And perhaps it is a little odd, but I do not even mind the fact that we haven?t slept together. Not that I don?t want to, but it?s nice just getting to know each other too instead of just jumping right into bed together. I think that?s how courtship (is that even what we?re doing?) is supposed to go?wouldn?t know, exactly. I always messed up in that area. I mess up everything.

4.09.07

Step two in getting back at Tommy taken. It?s been weighing on my mind though. Part of me knows it?s okay, all is fair in revenge and torment, I need to make Tommy suffer, and those two men were the scum of the world. On the other hand, I killed two men in what many would call cold blood. I close my eyes and I see them. I did the right thing though, I know that. Or?I keep telling myself that. I will not be sorry for this! I refuse.

When I?m alone, that overwhelming sadness still washes over me. I just want to surround myself with people constantly so I don?t have to feel that way ever.

This morning I spent with Stephen at the Inn and we had such a nice time together. We were playing around, pretending we didn?t know each other. Spending time with him negates all the other awful hours in the day. He was just kissing me and we were being just nice?it felt better than anything has in while now. I told him I loved him, in his language! He acted a little?I don?t know at first but then things were all right after. He makes me feel beautiful every time he looks at me, like really beautiful. Beautiful enough that I can actually believe it.

4.12.07

Could last night have been better? Tara came into the Inn! I probably could have cried, I was so happy. It was just like?we could pick up where we left off as if nothing had changed. Now I know, though, that I?m only going to miss her all the more. I just feel more alive when she?s around. Somewhat ironic, no?

Sissy won her challenge against Tass!! I?m so very proud of her, she fought magnificently! At the same time, I?m sad for Tass?he fought hard to win that tower. Unfortunately, both of them could not win.

Stephen came into the Inn last night too! That was excitable because Chryrie had done my hair up so nice and perfectly earlier with little shells running through it, so I felt especially pretty. He noted that I was in a better mood than I was the previous night. How could I not be with both Tara and Amthy around? But I know that?s only a cover-up and that all that depression is lurking just beneath the surface, waiting to rise up again at the first sign of solitude. Why did I kill those men? That?s just making everything else harder to deal with.

We spent the night on the Pride and Fury. I loved it! The way the water rocks the ship, it?s like a lullaby, and being with Stephen. Everything else feels so unreal during those moments.

4.19.07

Last night. Where to start? I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. When I entered the Inn, Stephen told me that there were more flowers in that evil basket for me. My heart just dropped, how much can I be expected to take? Words have the power to cut so deeply; they are not like the physical wounds I bounce back from so easily at times. But these flowers were different, the note was different. There were purple lilacs (for the first feelings of love) and lily of the valley (humility, sweetness, and the return of
happiness). I know they are from Stephen, though he tried to act like they were from some secret admirer that he?ll have to fend away. It was such a sweet gesture, he said he heard about the petunias and?he just went ahead and did this to make me feel better and it worked?I felt like I could burst with happiness again or just sing or something. How could someone that has only really known me at this low point I?ve been at feel like this for me, be so wonderful? For the hundredth time?I don?t deserve this.

Things got?exciting after that? Maybe not for everyone else. I guess it started with Woody talking about being naked and how everyone should be? I think that?s how it started, I don?t really remember except the next thing I know there?s Stephen stripping down to absolutely nothing in the middle of the Inn. Yes, absolutely nothing. He?s trying to drive me crazy, that?s got to be it. He wants to see what it?ll take for me to crack and I swear I was this close last night. Mother of nature because he is just gorgeous, I could have just stared at him all night: the muscles on his arm, his back?no no no, need to stop this. I was really so close to demanding that he get up on that bar and help me take my dress off because we were gonna do this and we were going to do it now, to hell with who else was around. Hmm...I wonder if that would have worked? I think it might have. I?m torturing myself with this. I had to ask him to put his clothes back on; he was getting so close I was just going to grab him if he didn?t back off. I don?t think he realizes what he?s doing to me. No, that?s not right, I think he knows exactly what he?s doing to me and I?m going to strangle him for it! I?m pathetic?I wanted him so bad. Correction, I still want him that bad. Insufferable man. Insufferable delicious man that I am going to?ugh!

So, after he put his clothes back on (and goodness it was hard to look at him and not imagine him with his clothes back off) we were just talking some. He said we have to wait until marriage. What? Who does that? Stars above he had better been joking or else I am dragging his ass to some holy man very soon, screw my swearing never to marry again. Wait until marriage?hello, I?m a faerie. That idea just doesn?t exist for us! I?ve never had to wait for marriage before, this is so foreign to me! If anything, men have always pushed themselves on me, not wanting to wait, and now this? When I think about it, the concept is kind of sweet?a consummation of the relationship and vows that way. Am I just being selfish and demonstrating a complete lack of self-control in saying that I want him now, though? Was this all some big joke and I?m just being absolutely ridiculous in even writing all this down let alone thinking of it?

It?s just, saying waiting for marriage sparked so many questions: are we getting married? Is that what he wants? Is that what I want? I have to admit, I?m not a fan of the marriage institution but thinking of tying myself to Stephen in that way?it sounds and feels right. I look at him and I just think, ?Wow?this is someone who I can finally get things right with.? So, would I really wait until marriage for him if he were truly in earnest? Absolutely, though there?s a good chance he?d probably drive me mad with desire way before then.

We started talking about hurting people after that. He said he doesn?t care if he hurts someone he doesn?t care about but that he doesn?t think I?m the same way and I know I?m not like that. I?ve tried to be, though?why should I care how others feel when I don?t feel anything for them? And sometimes I don?t but most of the time?but I didn?t want to talk about that. I didn?t want to talk about hurting and how could I ever purposefully hurt someone after knowing what it can do to a person, how hard it can be to get through it. I kind of switched the topic, I told him how I killed those two men. But the thing is, I wanted to tell him that?I?ve been wanting to. I wanted to see what he would say and I couldn?t keep it inside me anymore (it?s been bouncing around inside my head, screaming at me). And he didn?t seem to be disgusted by it?by me. Instead, he just talked with me about it. He said that maybe I?m letting Tommy control me, I?m so focused on getting him back that I?m letting him control my actions. I just had to laugh; isn?t that the story of my life? Here?s Jewell, letting someone else control what she does without even realizing it all over again. I truly am eternally screwing myself over.

Stephen said that living well is the best revenge. I was awake all night just thinking about that, thinking maybe that?s what I?ve been doing wrong all along. Not just with Tommy but all the way back to Robin and my brother?everyone. I?ve always wanted to hurt everyone who has hurt me so bad, as bad as they hurt me?worse. And through this whole process, it?s been me messing up my own life, hasn?t it? It?s not them, it?s me. I?m ruining it by not letting everything just go, just letting it go and spiting them by living and being happy despite everything they did.

It looks like such a simple solution written there. So blessedly simple. Now can I pull it off?

4.27.07

Stephen and I dueled swords in the ring last night?that was fun! I beat him; I wonder if he let me win? Or maybe I was just being aggressive last night (it?s kind of fun).

I was really working hard all night on just being happy and screw the world, I think I did a pretty good job! Tommy was there, I didn?t let him goad me at all, and then he lost his duel! That was great. I think I will have to speak to this Losden and tell him he may just be my personal hero.

Spent some time just bantering and vaporing with Stephen and Wyh. I?m so glad they get along so well?it feels like home when I?m with them. I don?t mean like I am back home, like this is really home again, for good. I love that feeling. No one can take it away from me this time.

I just about died when Stephen got down on his knee after I told him that was the only way I was going to marry him (not some quick wedding officiated by James) if he really wanted to do things right. I felt like my heart was racing but had stopped at the same time, or maybe it was my breathing that had stopped. He?s just fooling around?right? He doesn?t really want to marry me. What would I have said if he had actually asked!? What if he does actually ask, what do I say then? I feel like a curse to the institution of marriage.

He and I are going to take a ride to go and visit Amanda and Moradin. I want him to meet them. Is it odd to want a twelve year old?s approval? I feel like I need it. She and I have been so close forever now and it really hurt that she didn?t want anything to do with Skyler.

It?s lovely and misty outside today. I?m going to go for a run.

5.09.07

I haven?t updated this in a few days, just been a little busy. I want to go on about how wonderful Stephen is but I?m afraid that would take pages. This is what love is supposed to be like. This is how things are supposed to be. We?re partners. He told me we share things both good and bad together. I just feel so balanced.

I?m just so happy, I can?t even enumerate on it! Not coherently at least. Maybe I?ll try? I?m confused how he can love me, fall in love with me, when I?ve been so neurotic and depressed for the last several months. If someone can love me when I?m like that, though, that?s just?it?s just amazing to me. I?m touched by the way he?s willing to adjust his life for me, to invite not only myself but my kids to sail with him as well? He makes me feel beautiful with the way he looks at me. I feel special again. He doesn?t think I?m just some whore. He truly wants to spend his life with me and I know there isn?t anything that could make me happier than doing so.

Everyone has been really sweet, offering us congratulations and whatnot. It?s a bit overwhelming, though! I don?t know the first thing about wedding planning. I?m so terrified that I?ll mess this whole thing up somehow. I?ve managed to screw up one marriage, how will I manage to make this one right? But you know, when I?m actually with Stephen I don?t usually think about that. I feel so much more positive then and all I can think about is that I?m going to make this work because I need to and want this more badly than I?ve wanted anything before.

This whole thing about being partners, I?m almost in awe of the idea. Alex and I?sometimes I guess it felt like I was in control. And while we understood each other, we didn?t talk a lot (mainly because we just weren?t around). I?m so determined to just talk with Stephen, tell him things. It helps that I love doing so, love hearing him talk to me. His voice is soothing.

He told me that when he kissed me the first time that he knew he would love me. My face feels so heated thinking about that and butterflies are dancing in my stomach! I never thought I believed in fate, but how could this be so perfect if not fated? I want to never let go of him.

Last night, during my shift, there was this cuuuuute little bear thingy at the bar named Giz. I want to just pick him up and hug him lots! And Natsuki has been around again, I?ve missed her. She?s such a doll. Introduced her to Stephen, that went over real well! Saw Tass the other night, that didn?t go very well. I don?t want to think about that, though. It pokes a hole in my little balloon of happiness! And I am determined to be happy. Happy happy happy! Stephen makes me happy.

5.14.07

Last night was the Talon of Redwin Tournament. I totally blew it in the first round (though I don?t feel too bad because Sissy lost in the first round too). At least I lost to Cor and he?s a friend. Although, part of me would rather lose to someone I am not friends with. I want fierce competition when I go down there, usually.

I spent some time speaking with Artemus afterwards. He offered some help with the children and magic training. Good to keep in mind, at least the latter.

I went up to the Inn afterwards and spoke with Issy, told her about my engagement. We?ve been missing each other a lot lately, doing different shifts and just being plain busy. She seemed really happy for me, everyone seems to be. Not like it really matters because I am happy for me.

5.18.07

This is not a good week. Fortunately, it?s only ever other part of my body that?s hurt except my arms so I can write all this down.

Wednesday night I went to the Outback. I was chatting with G for a while, nothing too important, before I got into the ring with Anubis. I tried my best to treat him with some showing of respect because although I do not agree with his occupation, I know he has been around a long time, is very powerful, and that Tara respects him (which would have been a good enough reason for me to respect him without all the others).

I started off doing all right in the ring (did I mention that I had been drinking vodka like it was water before I started fighting? I was really upset and missing the kids a lot that day) but it quickly turned into him completely destroying me. I don?t mind getting hurt, it happens, but the conversation bothered me later. All the talk about dominance and degradation?I just can?t get away from it, can I? I just thought by now that the memories wouldn?t hurt as much. I thought telling Skyler was going to help me heal but instead everything just hurts just as bad as it always has.

After the fight, I chatted briefly with Anubis before he was to get into the ring with Koy. It seems I am deserving of some small measure of respect because of my popularity? Good to know it?s good for something.

Got pretty drunk yesterday afternoon to stop the pain. I can usually handle it but I was just very uncomfortable. Chatted with Issy and finally met Phin formally, slept away most of the later afternoon before heading down to the Arena. That was a big mistake.

I was just going to watch the fighting but Vinny was there and asked if I wanted to have a go in the ring. I figured the endorphins from fighting might make me feel better so I agreed. He was just going to use a foam sword against me and that made me so angry. It ameks me even angrier now?all this shit about ?This isn?t a game? and he was going to use a toy? I told him I didn?t want him going easy on my so we used real swords.

Now, just because I didn?t want him to go easy on me doesn?t mean I wanted him to try and murder me, which is what it seems like he was trying to do. He won fair and square but he was vicious about it?going after spots where I was already injured from the previous night. I only let the wards heal me a little because all that foreign magic makes me sick.

I was pretty pissed at Vinny afterwards but we were talking at the bar anyways and he was just being so ridiculous. He was angry at me for some reason, getting all annoyed that I wasn?t taking care of myself or something. He told me I may everything a joke, some nonsense like that, and that I don?t take anything serious. He was so condescending about it and it was infuriating because he barely even knows me! Besides the fact that being playful and lighthearted is my very nature! I am not part of the unseelie courts, I am supposed to be this way?at least I try.

I don?t know what happened. I felt so sick with blood loss and we were both so angry and he just backhanded me! He hit me hard enough to send me to the floor. I already feel myself getting into that old pattern of rationalizing it, that maybe I deserved it but I know I didn?t! There was nothing I did to deserve that from a supposed friend. I got right back up, so angry, and told him to never touch me again. And he mocked my command! We shouted some more and then he hit me again. I saw it coming this time and I could have avoided it, ducked aside, but I didn?t. I don?t know exactly why I didn?t?part of it was to make him even angrier by not taking him, his threat, seriously. He grabbed me by my shirt and I pushed him away.

I don?t even remember half of the things that were said. I know I was acting haughty, though, all-knowing. He called me a punk kid at some point. Me! I?m just getting furious all over again thinking about this. And then he wanted to shake my hand, buy me a drink. I told him I?d rather kill my firstborn than have a drink with him, that I wouldn?t forget this. And I won?t.

The weirdest part is then Anubis showed up. I guess he had been dueling while we were fighting but he just showed up and hit Vinny with fire. I don?t really understand why?he made some comment about being tired of Vinny or something. I don?t know.

I left after that, went upstairs and let Panth help clean me up a bit before I ended up passing out in the bath. I told Vinny I wasn?t going to think about it, that he wasn?t worth it, but I didn?I am. Not because anything he said was worthwhile or important, though, but because the mark he left on my face is painfully familiar. It makes me hate him.

I was too scared to go to Stephen last night (not to mention way too injured and weak). I know that?s probably ridiculous, he?s not like that?I just didn?t, don?t, want to upset him. And old habits are hard to break, aren?t they?

5.29.07

I need to stop taking such long breaks from writing in this, a lot can happen in ten days.

I really lost my mind there for a while, it?s not the first time it?s happened but it felt really bad this time, like I was never going to get out of that mad spiral downwards. I spoke with Stephen, told him everything. I?m doing okay now, again, I have it under control. I don?t need to fight this alone anymore and I think just knowing that is more helpful than any encouraging words someone might offer.

I see that I didn?t even write about Issy and Brian?s confrontation with Vinny. That?s what really started me down. I wasn?t doing well before that but I had some semblance of control. That confrontation?the things Brian said, it was just that final push. I know he was trying to help, to stir me to action, but everything he was saying just felt like the finger of blame was pointing at me once more and I couldn?t stand under the weight of that burden. He said that seeing me like that, though, was like me seeing him under the influence of the gauntlet. I?d never thought of it that way and it makes me shudder to think about it now. I wonder what I wanted them to do that night. Did I want them to pound Vinny into a bloody pulp? Kill him? I don?t know?I know none of that would have changed anything.

Otherwise, things have been going well. Koy is making me an absolutely gorgeous dress for my wedding (oh my goodness, I?m getting married!) and I couldn?t be happier with Stephen. He did the most amazing thing yesterday. Knowing that I?m more than stressed out with this whole wedding planning thing, he went and fetched Amanda (and Moradin) to help me! He just went and got them. It?s like he never ceases to amaze me with how thoughtful and amazing he is. For him just to do that because he knew it would make me happy? I want to hold on to him and never let go. He really thought of everything, he even had Robert and Swifty watching over them to make sure nothing happened because he knew I?d worry. And I know I write this all the time but really, what could I have possibly done to deserve to be treated so nicely?

I promised him last night that I would never hide behind my glamour to him, that he?d always be able to see me no matter what. The real me. No hiding the scars, nothing. I don?t need to do that with him.

I?m staying on Art?s team for IFL because I gave him my word and I?m keeping him. I even consented to let him give me some lessons but that is a purely selfish endeavor on my part. I need to be better to fight this thing in the West End and if that means listening to Art and seeing what, if anything, I can learn from him then so be it. I don?t trust him, though, and I certainly don?t respect him. He?s been kind to me, even concerned perhaps, but not standing up to Vinny for me? That?s unforgivable.

I?ve been spending more time around the duels which means having to endure some Skyler jabs from people, notably G?nort. I can take it, though. Part of me bristles up at it because I know Skyler didn?t deserve some of the things that are said but I can?t fight back about it forever. I?ve also been spending more time around Cieara DeAuster. I really do love that whole family. Their nobility of character, their loyalty, just the way they carry themselves. Both Cie and Danny are also a lot of fun, too.

I?m going to run out with Amanda now and take care of some wedding things with her help. I?m leaving Moradin in Stephen?s care for the day (with Amanda?s consent and instructions not to teach him too many pirate things). It?s so comforting to know that I can do that and not have to worry because I trust him that much.

Oh?I learned last night that the lawyers (the ones that are always giving the Bloods trouble) have kidnapped Tass? That through me for a loop. It came from Kitty, though, who is all healed up. That just?yeah.

6.06.07

This is my last entry for this journal. It?s been almost a year since I picked it up and I think it?s time to put it away and start a new one because tonight I?m starting a new part of my life with Stephen. This is our new start.

Of course, I had to naturally go and try to mess up our new start before it even started last night. I don?t remember too much after PJ gave me that faerie wine (which was much more potent than what I had served at Beltane), everything is just a blur and it is not a pleasant blur. It seems like I had fun (although waking up in Charna?s room this morning after emptying my stomach repeatedly last night was not so fun) but was it worth potentially ruining everything we?ve been trying to build. I?m pretty sure I got waaay too close to Robert, who was naked. Bit of a mixed blessing not to remember everything. I?m curious as to what I did, just so I know, but I?m also dreading finding out. I think I kissed PJ at some point? I don?t even remember Charna getting there but obviously she was because I ended up in her room.

I was more relaxed about this whole wedding yesterday while today I feel like a nervous wreck. What if something goes wrong? What if he decides this isn?t what he wants, hops on his ship and sets sail? What if I can?t live up to his expectations? What if I?ve already failed to live up to them! What if whatever Robert was doing last night was just some kind of test and I failed it miserably and now Stephen will want nothing to do with me?

This has to go right, it just has to. This is not going to be me and Alex. This is going to work.

Maybe if I just keep telling myself that I?ll make it down the aisle without fainting.

Whatever happens, I look killer in my wedding dress. If he leaves me at the altar (oh my goddess, why did I even just write that? Now I won?t be able to get that out of my head along with a million other negative possibilities), at least I?ll look good. Small comfort.

This is going to work and I am going to be happy. Stephen and I are going to be happy together.