Written on the inside cover:
You cannot possess me for I belong to myself
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person
But I shall serve you in those ways you require
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and
The eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in
private and tell no strangers our grievances.

This is my wedding vow to you
This is the marriage of equals.

Jewell Ravenlock & Stephen Kidd
June 6, 2007

June 13, 2007

Last Thursday I won my match for IFL. My team lost for the week but I won! It was pretty satisfying to actually win a match for my team (even if I don?t really care for them in general) even though it wasn?t really a knock-down drag-out fight; it was actually pretty tame against Napoleon, maybe because he?s so small? It was so encouraging to have Stephen (my husband!!) there to cheer me on and shout advice (he wanted me to bite Napoleon, though! Yick!). To have him there, taking an active interest in something I do, that?s so normal and so right. He gets to know my friends and they become our friends, we do stuff together. This is how relationships are supposed to be and it?s amazing how balanced and whole I feel now. I never even knew what I was truly lacking.

We left for our honeymoon then and had an absolutely fabulous time together. I was a little tired when we came back but more completely happy than anything. West End? Vinny? Voices in my head? Who cares! I?m going to take it all in stride now. Okay, ?who cares? might be a bit of an exaggeration but everything just seems much more manageable now. I think about it all and then I think: I can do this because I don?t have to do it alone.

How amazing is it that someone actually cares whether I come home or not at night now, that someone is there to actually notice. It?s dumbfounding to me at times. This is my life now and it?s so different than it?s ever been before and I love it! I love it and stars above I am so terrified that it won?t last. I?m hiding that fear away but it is there. I?m scared that one day I?m going to wake up and find this all to be some fantastic dream that is beyond my grasp, never truly obtainable. Not for me. How could it be? There?s no way I deserve this. Yet, here I am. All I have to do is step out of this room or even look across the room at times and see that this is all so very real. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me but I can hear him too.

The last two nights have been somewhat uneventful. Some drama going on in the Inn on Monday night, I think it had to do with those lawyers but Guthorm was involved and then Danny stepped in to try and prevent Guthorm from dragging someone outside. It was all very confusing and messy. Icer kept stepping in (when we were in the Outback as well, when Koy was just being friendly and giving Jadey some dressing tips) and that was making me furious for some reason. She keeps involving herself in these issues but then who is going to have to help her out in the end, or be angry when she?s hurt? Don?t we all have enough on our plates? Maybe I?m being unreasonable; it wouldn?t be the first time.

I had to work last night and everyone just seemed to be in a bad mood. Erin was just generally more pissed off than I?ve seen her in a long while and just an absolute treat to deal with while Cieara seemed down (I gathered that Danny was hurt). I met a lovely young elf named Asha; she was very sweet. I hope Baker and Reap didn?t scare her away (they were up to their usual antics). Oh?I just remembered this and it made me so sad all over again. Wyheree told me that Rosie has passed away. Death is so strange to me, especially such a natural (from some disease) death. People don?t die from such things in RhyDin! They die by the sword or at the wrong end of a gun, not by diseases! I must go stop by and see Dean, see if I can help him and their baby in any way.

Stephen and I were speaking about going to Ireland last night. I really hope his brother James and his family like me. Family is just so important and Stephen is my family now; I want to be accepted by his. We are considering taking all the kids with us but I have my reservations about that. It would be fun to have them along and I?m not really keen on leaving them here for however long we go, but I want them to be safe above all. Bringing all seven of them to a land that is foreign (at least for me) where we probably have to keep their abilities and significant features hidden seems a little chancy. I don?t know! Stephen and I will figure it out.

June 17, 2007

Friday night was a bit lack luster. I did receive two absolutely lovely presents, one that made me laugh myself silly. First, there was this lovely turkey baster and spatula delivered by the Courier (the one that?s an orange?so odd) and then Chryrie gave me this great multi-tailed whip, the ends covered in soft, fuzzy material so it doesn?t hurt when you use it (I?d have to ask Stephen if it actually does or not). Spent some time speaking with Hawk; I really do like him! He?s so taken by Am?thyst, but that?s not hard to understand at all; she really is the dearest creature in this realm. Alysia commented that the vows Stephen and I took at our wedding were refreshing, I really do love them myself and I plan to hold to them for as long as Stephen wishes it (and longer).

I had my shift late Friday night in the West End as well. It?s important to do but I start to resent any time I have to spend away from Stephen now. I did not stay for the entirety of it as I had an assignment from Kitty to fulfill to help clear Tass? name. It is the very least I can do for my friend who has loved and cared for me so without ever asking anything in return.

Last night, instead of going to the Inn, I went down to the Arena. It?s been a while since I?ve done that with the intent to duel, probably since the whole incident with Vinny. He was there last night, Cassius was making fun of him, but I really paid him no mind?it?s the best way to handle the whole thing, I think. I declined a stripping duel with Darren, I do not know if such a thing would bother Stephen but it would bother me; I may be rather casual about my body at times but I am tied to Stephen now and while he does not own my body by any means, it is still his in a way.

Instead, I ended up dueling against the Lady Jaycy, Baroness of Dockside (as well as holder of one of the Opals, I am not sure which?the one that has to do with Shadows?), I believe. Really, I?m so glad I offered to duel against her and she accepted! We had a very pleasant duel; I started off rather well (though I supposed Jaycy was just tested to see what I was capable of doing) but I think our conversation as we met in the ring distracted us both. She later took the lead and left me quite in the dust, so the saying goes, but I came out only slightly bruised (I?m sure that was cause for relief from Stephen). The lady?she did ask me to call her Jaycy?has all my respect, which I?m rarely inclined to give based just on the rank one holds. She told me that she does not like to dispense injury in the rings because it is just a sport in comparison to fighting in real life. Such sentiments were refreshing to find in the Arena for how much do they mirror my own?

We chatted amiably for some time after our duel, discussing some of our experience in fighting outside the rings (she trained mercenaries). She admitted to me that I she thought me almost too feminine, perhaps, for the mercenary job I preferred the most (bounty hunting, I enjoy that more than a war usually), which I found amusing. I suppose I am rather feminine these days, or at least I exude that more than anything. It is part of the heat in the air, for certain. It makes me so fey-ish and full of laughter! I truly did enjoy speaking with her and she made mention that perhaps she would visit the Inn soon. I really hope she does, there are few people that I truly get along with initially (though appearances would surely tell otherwise).

After I was finished in the Arena, I ran upstairs to the Inn to help out Sugar (Samantha) behind the bar a little bit because bother her sister (Serena) and Sidsta couldn?t make it last night. I did not stay too long, because I was tired, but the time I did spend was enjoyable. Sam is just an absolute sweetheart, so innocent and na?ve! Darren is fun to mess with and my love?Chris!!?was there. I know I just saw him at the wedding, but that doesn?t really count. He is so much fun to banter with, though it makes me miss Tara and the Blades as a whole. Then I got to creep home in the early morning hours to be with my family.

June 20, 2007

Wow?so last night could have been a total disaster.

Well, first I was at the Inn earlier, chatting with Toby and Lydia. Toby and I are very much alike in our relationship fears, it seems. Oh! And he and Tabitha got tattoos, which I thought was such a sweet idea. Kind of renewed my interest in getting one.

At night, Mister Pelnar informed me that Mercy has been kidnapped (information I forgot to relay to my husband, he isn?t going to be happy about that). He then proceeded to get very drunk with fey wine at my suggestion! I?m a good saleswoman sometimes.

Wyheree couldn?t stay for all of our work shift because she had to go call the challenge match between Harris and Bran (for Ice Dancer). So, I took care of the Inn all by myself! No one really gave me any trouble except Darren, who I was just teasing. He was lying on the bar, so I stood up on top of it (straddling him, basically) and made some teasing remarks about sex before leaving him be. I thought that would be the end of it but noooo people (I don?t even remember who) had to go and bring it up to Stephen when he came in later! I was so mortified and disgusted with myself. He seemed genuinely mad at first (but he wasn?t really) and I couldn?t tell if maybe he was just kidding around as he does (part of that was the heat, it makes thinking straight hard). I thought maybe he was but there was still this cold little fear forming inside that maybe I had really messed up again, that he would truly believe I did something wrong and just leave right then and there.

I?m so paranoid. I really good have killed that Tristen and Darren for keeping it up and trying to make it worse. What if Stephen had been really mad? Well, at least he didn?t kill Darren and he let me know he wasn?t truly upset before he left. I had to finish my shift out after that and it was so dreadfully hot in the Inn from all the people!

After my shift was up, I ran over to the Outback to see if the challenge was still going on. I caught the end of the final fight. There were a ton of people there, which didn?t really give me any relief from the heat (especially with not all the talk about Anubis burning the Outback down again!). Tempers were flaring every which way. It didn?t last too long, people calmed down, and Harris beat Bran to keep his Opal. Everyone dispersed rather quickly after that but Anubis and I had been talking and it was rather interesting. He noticed my displeasure with Leslie the other night and basically made an offer to help me if I felt ?vindictive? because I treat him with respect (he didn?t actually word it as I just did, but that was what he was getting at as I understand it). This is why it pays to be respectful and gracious to certain people. I would certainly never (although, it?s not wise to say ?never?) take him up on his offer as he probably intended it but if something else were to ever come up, who knows? It?s profitable to be in people?s good graces. I?m actually rather proud of my politicking abilities!

I stopped by the Inn (again!) before going home and would you believe, Issy was there. She?s been so busy in the West End, I haven?t seen her in the Inn in weeks! It was nice just to relax with her for a little bit and not be out running around on the streets for once.

I?m so happy that when I came home everything was fine between Stephen and I. He?s so much better than I am. If some girl was all over him, I?d probably break her face on the spot. I?m such a jealous little beasty.

June 22, 2007
Some nights I just love walking into a crowded room and having half the people there shouting my name, waving at me, trying to get my attention in some way because they have something to tell me or if they just want to say hello. It just makes me feel good although I will say that my self worth is in no way related to that, it?s an ego boost if anything.

Last night got tense very quickly. Kitty and Guthorm were speaking heatedly about something and it wasn?t until later (after she set him on fire) that she told me that he works for the Lawyers. Terrific! That just killed any good humor I had towards the man completely. He wasn?t very nice to me after that and I swear all I did was stare at him (well?at first!).

There was a new fire elemental (at least, I think he was a fire elemental) there last night as well, besides Dracos (who was also there and watching Kitty with me). Someone sent me these feelings of warning and I thought it had to do with the elemental, but he seemed harmless enough. Later, Eless clarified that she felt malicious feelings towards me from this woman that was present last night that I have never seen before. I didn?t even get a good look at her, just noticed she was tall and I think blonde-ish (the lighting in the Inn is so bad at some times!). I?m not concerned really, though. Probably just someone jealous of my fabulously good looks.

Still?I guess I should be careful. I?m just not going to let it seem like I?m being careful or worried, that?ll just attract attention. I should probably tell Stephen.

June 29, 2007

Not too much to talk about, I?ve mainly been involved in family affairs and the West End (and nothing has really changed on that front). At home we?ve all just been busy getting used to living with each other again, plus the addition of Stephen (the kids really do adore him, that makes me so happy). Amanda and Moradin are getting ready to go stay with some friends from school for a little while, Stephen and I are preparing for Ireland and I?m not quite sure where the little ones will be staying?maybe with Brian and Jenai so they can practice?

Our social lives haven?t been too exciting lately. Yikes?have we suddenly turned into an old married couple?

I?m feeling so much better these days. It?s funny how once an episode passes and I look back, I can?t remember why I ever felt like that in the first place. A moment of weakness, perhaps. I?m The Empress again.

My IFL team is doing really well, which is exciting (because I like to win) but at the same time?seeing Vinny fail would be nice. I don?t feel the irrational hatred for him anymore. It?s more of a steady, calm dislike and absolute disgust.

That guy Tristen really bugs me! I punched him in the face the other night. And there?s this guy Anthony?he has a holobox just like Marc Franco which he uses to communicate with people. He and I spoke at some length yesterday; he?s sort of weird.

July 3, 2007

My shoulder is still killing me, I hope it?s not infected?I have been making sure to clean the wound. At least the cuts all along my arms and hands are healing nicely; most shouldn?t even leave the faintest scar on my skin when they?re gone.

Last night, Vinny challenged Anubis for his opal. It was truly great watching Anubis soundly beat him in two matches. I would say that was the highlight of my night, but I got to be with my husband later and injured shoulder or not?.

Which leads me to my next point of discussion: according to what the Gossip GangSTAR wrote in The Oracle, I just may be having the most sex out of everyone in RhyDin. That made me laugh.

July 12, 2007

I love playing pirate with my pirate.

The heels on both my shoes broke on the way to the Inn last night! I thought maybe it was a curse from the Baroness Kya lady, Baker told me it was just because I?m fat (though Cor and Keaton didn?t think so).

Des tried to drug Stephen. Maybe she wishes she had a pirate herself instead of Gav? I wouldn?t blame her, not that Gav isn?t very good looking and all.

The Gossip GangSTAR said something nice about me! Of course, that was after he thought it was a joke when I said I intended to keep my wedding vows. Harsh!

I was so into Stephen last night (when am I not?) but I didn?t fail to notice that Alex was in the Inn. That?s the second time I?ve seen him recently and the GangSTAR mentioned that he was there the other night too. All times without Lain. Maybe he killed her. Hah! That?d be funny.

Maybe that Kya woman really just did want a lock of my hair and she?s just nuts but not malicious nuts? I hope so. I guess I should be extra careful all the same. Stephen said that maybe she?d make all my hair fall out or give me crabs. That?d be awful.

July 18, 2007

Last night was?odd. It could have ended very badly for me. There was this man there, straight out of Faerie or something, named Sameal. He?s not my type (that?s because he?s not Stephen!) but I?ll admit that I?m strangling attracted?no, not attracted. I?m drawn to those of the fey. I was teasing him playfully and he propositioned me. I of course refused, accepting didn?t even cross my mind. But he touched my skin and it felt?I don?t know. It was confusing. The fey are so alluring. He said Stephen could come and join our soiree as well. That would never work! I know he would not agree and I am a jealous lover. Stephen is mine and only mine and I am his. Still, he probably would have been hurt if he had seen me interacting with Sameal last night. I hope to never see him again.

Today was worse, though. I was happy because it had rained and I was just chatting with Kristia at the Inn before she left and then this?this thing entered. I felt so sick, the scent of death just clung to it! No one else really seemed to notice but I thought I was going to lose whatever I had ate in the morning behind the bar. Lydia and Daniel?even Lord Travanix (although he suggested I was pregnant?what?s audacity!) seemed concerned. Danny suggested that maybe it was that lollipop I ate and I just went along with that, I couldn?t tell them what it really was. I looked at that thing and?stars above it looked like death. It seemed like it was wearing the skin of something, some other living being? I don?t even know exactly what it was but it was of the fey, that I know. I think I need to do some research?

July 29, 2007

Last night is just further proof that I rarely (if ever) have my own best interest in mind. I should have asked the substitute (Art) to fight for me last night, I could barely stand. I wanted desperately to get out of the house, though, even if my fever had just broken. I didn?t realize how weak I really was. I made it to the Inn all right but I had to rest there and drink some water (it was very kind of Darren to give me water without even asking, he just knew) before I left to fight. I won, though! That?s exciting, at least. Harley (Harvey? H-something) was a fairly tough opponent, at least in my current state, and I felt so faint afterwards. It felt good to win, all the same. However, I feel even worse now than I did yesterday. I slept most of the morning away and I haven?t had the energy to leave the house today.

I didn?t tell Stephen I was going out last night, I doubt he would have let me (that makes him sound more like my guardian than my husband!). I just kind of snuck out when he went out to check on some things (he?s been so sweet, staying with me while I?ve been sick when I know it must kill him not to be down by the docks, with his ship). I had to tell him later, though. Kind of hard to explain the few bruises I did manage to get and why I was suddenly feeling so much worse.

I think I need to go lie down again.

August 8, 2007

Nothing exciting really going on. Stephen and I have just been solidifying plans for our trip. Eless is back, though I?m sure something is going on that she?s not telling anyone about. She said she will probably have to leave again soon and she looks so frail. I wish she?d allow us to help her.

I made a new friend?Scarab. I don?t know exactly what he is but he doesn?t belong here, in RhyDin or even on this plane of existence. He looks so sad sometimes. Yesterday, it was amazing; he turned these pieces of chicken Jake had cooked into a little baby chick! He didn?t understand why people eat meat, he said it had lost its ?spark.? That reminds me of Taneth. He seems really nice though and I?m going to look after him a little.

Oh! Mu was in the Inn yesterday afternoon wearing some costume thing. She almost crushed me to death with her hug!

My Keatsy-kins was in the Inn bartending last night, I miss him! I really do miss afternoons spent with him and Hanzo, that seems like it was so long ago already.

The Gossip Gangsta keeps writing things about Harris and I. We?re just friends and we like to joke around with each other (I introduced Harris to Baker the other night, I think it was love at first sight). I just hope Stephen won?t think there?s more to it than that.

Saw Danny briefly the other morning before Renna flipped out and attacked Brian for no reason (she?s lost her mind again, I think). I miss seeing him and Cie all the time, where does everyone go to? I didn?t get to talk long, though, because I had to go out back and help Bri with Renna?which also didn?t last long because Brian kind of poofed and I told Renna I didn?t want to fight her, which just made her threaten me more, oddly enough. Whatever, bring it on. Whole city is just full of unfulfilled threats towards me.

August 16, 2007

I spent most of Monday night in the Outback. I didn?t even do much socializing, just fighting. Or at least, I attempted to fight but did a rather botched job of it. Miss Dizzy Flores totally destroyed me and then I fought Matt Simon (he and Koy came back from their honeymoon looking so well!), who also beat me pretty soundly in the ring. He has a mean backhand.

Tuesday night was more eventful, for some reason my shifts with Wyheree always are. It?s as if all sorts of people come out of the woodwork for the express purpose of making trouble for us. I was serving fey wine to everyone to lift my spirits. I was rather downhearted because of what had transpired earlier in the day. Stephen and I were at the Inn (he was acquiring liquor for our travels) and he mentioned?I really like to think that he just meant it in passing and wasn?t really trying to be hurtful?that I was a flirt. I guess it doesn?t matter if he didn?t mean for it to be hurtful or even that it is so true, it hurt. For my husband, of all people, to say that? I had spent the earlier part of the morning at the cemetery visiting Cher and Gene; I told her all about Stephen and how finally it seems like I can just be myself. That?s really how I felt. For once I?m with someone who doesn?t seem to mind that I?m so social or any of that. I thought he liked that about me, actually. Now, I don?t know. Then Veighn came into the Inn and oh?he infuriates me! I know he was purposefully making comments to get provoke my ire and it worked, oh it truly worked. His comments, calling me an unseelie of all things! Yes, I can be a bit crass and I love to fight but I am hardly unseelie. And calling me human?me! There?s absolutely nothing wrong with humans but a faerie is not a human.

Oh, he just made me so mad! It ruined my day. Then my bartending shift started to go downhill. I thought the fey wine would lighten the mood of the Inn and just make everyone jolly and I could just pretend I was in the Lands and that I was normal?not some strange girl whose attentions to others get her labeled as a flirt or a fornicator at best. But that all backfired. It turns out Brandon (the one associated with the Bonny Corp) has some heart problem and the wine aggravated it. It almost killed him. I was obviously obligated to help him and even if I wasn?t obligated, I would have. It was a really tricky healing, beyond my skill really. I had to cut him and let the alcohol out of his blood without letting him bleed to death. I had to draw the alcohol out bit by bit. My whole body felt like it was on fire, my skin burned from the mana use.

Once Brandon was stable again I ended up getting physically sick for some minutes in the bathrooms before I was able to be behind the bar again and really then I should have been in bed or soaking. Energy deprivation is not something I (or anyone for that matter) should be toying with. I couldn?t leave Wyheree alone behind the bar, though. I love my Sissy too much to do that to her! Love her all the more for the concern she always shows me. She really is too good to me. I had some sugar and water, which was enough to keep me on my feet for a little while longer.

That?s when Lain entered the scene. She had been at the Inn for a while with that girl?Aka? Their presence just grated on my nerves but I tried to be as polite and pleasant to them as I could. That is, until they started throwing around a napkin dispenser of all things! Now, the Inn was quite crowded and the possibility of injury was really inevitable so I told them to cut it out. And what does that awful wanton whore do? She throws a bottle at my head! Here I am just doing my job?and I certainly would have yelled at any other patron who was doing the same?and that bitch throws a bottle at my head? I saw red.

Fortunately, Wyh-Sissy is so great and on top of things. She saved me from getting my head smashed in while I grabbed Sid?s Sawed Off Pool Cube of Doom and jumped the bar. Adrenaline was certainly my friend for the next twenty minutes or so because I shouldn?t have been even able to stand up after having healed Brandon let alone have a shouting match with Alex?s stupid sex toy. That girl is really without brains! I told her if she wanted to stay she had to sit down. She didn?t and she wouldn?t leave when I told her too. I even had Guido backing me up and she still wouldn?t get lost, wanted to know what right I had to tell her what to do or something. I explained that when I?m working behind the bar, it?s MY bar and I can kick people out if I have to. Slut face. Stars she infuriates me!! I nudged her with the SOPCoD and she tried to take me down. Stitch and Piper had my back, tossed a bottle at her or something. Hah! And I didn?t yell at him for it either. Finally she left, taking her little mini prodigy (the kid seems like she could be smart enough but Lain?s presence is obviously rotting her brain out quickly) with her.

I went upstairs soon afterwards and just passed out in the bathtub for the next twenty hours. I was still kind of a wreck last night, it?s been a while since I?ve been so shaky. I really should still be taking it easy today. Last night some new girl?seventeen years old!?asked me if I would be her mommy. I wanted to laugh in her face. I told her to grow up and take care of herself, basically. I was younger than her when I landed her on my butt and still found my way to my feet somehow. Idiot.

Stephen stopped by for a few minutes but then he just left. He hasn?t been in a very good mood and I feel like a horrible wife for not even having the energy last night to chase after him and see what?s up. Then G was there with some sort of proposal for me. He wants to start his dueling house back up again and asked if I would be a part of it. I told him I?d have to think about it but we discussed it for some time. I really need to discuss it with Stephen. I like the potential there is in this for learning more, becoming a stronger dueler. There?s also an obvious social bonus with being associated with a house, G?s in particular. I know we?re of a similar mindset on certain things. He called me out on that, didn?t he? On wanting social power.

It didn?t start out that way, oddly enough. I didn?t show up in RhyDin thinking, ?I?m going to take this town on and rule it.? But I?m here, aren?t I? And if I have to live here and raise my children here, you bet I?m going to make sure this place is worth living in and that I?m leading the best life I can and paving the way for them. I played the nameless nobody game in RhyDin for a while; it doesn?t suit me. There are benefits to walking into a room and everyone knowing your name, people looking at you and asking, ?Who?s she?? and everyone knowing the answer already. Don?t get me wrong, I don?t receive my own personal worth from my social status. Not at all. But in a world like this? I?ll take whatever power I can get.

I?ll probably accept G?s offer, even if it means having to associate more with Charlie. It could be worse. I may not like her but I know she?s not really a bad person. She watches her friends? backs and I can understand that. I?m only a little uneasy about what enemies I will be making for myself in aligning myself with G. Not that I can?t handle enemies but caution is often desirable when forging alliances of any sort.

Today was better when I woke up. I feel a lot better though I?m still pretty shaky after just a walk home from the Inn. Stephen was at the Inn and his presence just always makes me feel better. Chatted a little, Darren was there and then Brian. Ugh, and then that awful little kid Thomas came in. I know Amanda has seen him again since I told her she wasn?t to. I just wanted to punt him out of the Inn?out of RhyDin! He made several nasty comments about me but really, I was too tired and above caring today. Brian was having a chat with him as I left, hopefully that will do some good.

I really need to write in this more often, these entries are becoming way too long and my hand is cramping.

September 1, 2007

So, last week there was this chalkboard up in the Inn and someone (read: probably that stupid Carley) had drawn a blue cow with faerie wings on it! When I saw it the other day, I tore it off the wall and threw it. Yeah?turns out it hit Darren. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn?t a big deal until he got me arrested over it! That?s right, he pressed charges! I should so have killed him for this. The RhyDin Watch comes into the Inn the other night, escorts me out, and then arrests me! In front of everyone! Not that most people didn?t try to stop it (I love this city!) but it was just ridiculous. There wasn?t much I could do; who knew they were using magic repressant shackles now? Hurt like a?I can?t even describe it. It felt like it was setting off every nerve ending all at once, and not in a good way. I don?t even know exactly what happened but Stephen was there, Alysia, Eless, Sianna and her man Johnny (too cute together!), even Veighn?

Veighn is absolutely going to drive me to the point of physically attacking him one of these days. You would think that realizing that, I would be able to control myself. I don?t know what it is. He just knows how to push my buttons and that infuriates me because I?m supposed to be better than that! I?m supposed to have more control even if what he says is making me hopping mad inside. He was being all nasty with his unseelie comments again at the bar the other night (before I got arrested) and then followed Stephen and I as we went to sit and talk with Robert in a booth! He just sat right down next to me and pretended to be all sweet and friendly with me, invited me to kiss his cheek! I didn?t, naturally. He?d own my soul before he could get me to touch my lips to his skin. Alysia said I should just hit him but that wouldn?t work, I?d be forfeiting my life just for the satisfaction of hitting him!

After Veighn left me alone, Anubis walks in with Erin?under his submission. We all knew (or at least dreaded) this was coming but it?s still awful all the same. I understand that Cassie and Lydia tried to free her at some point that night (I was off getting arrested) to no avail. I tried to explain to Cass that this was not something that could be resolved by some spur of the moment fight. I mean really?Lord Anubis has spent who knows how many years dealing with upset family members and friends, what makes us any different? I suppose there was a time when I would have just jumped right in there and tried to free her then and there too. Finally a bit of wisdom to go along with my years!

It was easy enough to get out of jail once they threw me in a cell. Darren got himself locked up for mouthing off (or something like that?maybe feeling up?) a female medic that was attending to him (turns out Alysia stabbed him during the fray!). They had taken my shoes but not all the hairpins out of my hair?Kitty really needs to work on the competency level of some of these guards?so Darren made quick work of the shackles. Good thing, too! The iron was starting to irritate my skin painfully. From there, it was just as easy as blasting our way on out! Oops, some bringer of justice I am. Really, though, after all the time I?ve devoted to keeping this city safe, they try and throw me in jail! They deserve to have all the trouble they do in the West End.

The next night was even worse. Lain was in the Inn and oh! This really is just too wonderful to report! But it really does seem as though Alex has rid himself of her annoying presence. That?s what you get for trying to mess with my relationship! Hah! I still can?t stand her. Honestly, it?s never been just about Alex (and it certainly isn?t about Alex now). It?s about her. She?s just awful and I?m glad she gave me an excuse to beat the crap out of her when she insulted Stephen?how dare she anyways! No one talks bad about my husband. We ended up going at it in the alley. Piper and Eless came out (with Cor, who seemed to think it was amusing more than anything) before we could kill each other. I got a few good hits in, though, and she messed up my ribs pretty nicely. I?d like to smash her head against a wall a few times, maybe she?ll figure out how to talk then.

Eless and Piper seemed really disappointed in me, which was upsetting. I?m not disappointed in myself for fighting, that?s just how I am! I love to fight. They seemed so upset about it, though, which kind of ruined my fun. They had sweet Maeve tend to my wounds?I swear that was my punishment! Maeve is a lovely woman and I really like her, but she wrapped me up like a mummified corpse! The girls found this hilarious?I?ll get them back.

Yesterday was much less exciting (which is a good thing, for once!). I chatted for a while with Sianna in the evening; she?s so cute when talking about her Johnny. Then later there was this weird Cor look alike at the Inn who said that in his world I?m married to Baker! Eeek! That?s enough to give a girl nightmares. I think Cor was just messing with us, found some dude that looks a little like him and stuck a mustache on him to play some lame joke.

Stephen came to the Inn a little after me. He seemed kind of upset still about what happened with Lydia and Cass (after I got arrested he almost bit Lydia?). My poor love. He got to talk to her, though, and I think that helped.

While they were talking, Ebon tried to make plans to build a building on my chest! He?s such an odd little?creature?thing. Cor helped me get rid of him, kind of.

I should be training, there?s a couple of dueling events I?m set to take place in during the coming weeks. There?s some party event for the fist league and then there is the Talon of Redwin tournament. I enjoy doing Talon ever since I almost won it this past winter (when Wyh beat me). Maybe I?ll get some time today to go work out some.

September 9, 2007: Part II!

Chatted with Kristia for a while earlier today. Talked about the issue with Erin. The best thing to do might just be to wait it out, hope he doesn?t sell her to someone that won?t set her free, hope that he just gets bored of her. I wish everyone would stop reacting when they enter, that?s just what he wants.

Tonight was the Talon of Redwin tournament! The first one I did (this past winter) I lost to Wyh and got second place. Last time, I lost in the first round to Cor. So, you bet I?m surprised that I won this time! Yes, I won!! I love winning things! I got this fancy dagger in a box that I get to use in duels for the rest of the Fall cycle now.

The first round, I was set to fight Uriko. That was pretty tough because I think she and I are evenly matched. She?s totally got me beat in fists but I did pretty well against her in swords. It was just fun, too.

Then I had to fight Vinny for the second round. I was grabbing a drink and greeting Anubis (he dragged Erin into the Arena last night; it?s really trying my patience) when Dioxane announced I?d be fighting Vincent. I swear I could just punch someone! We were both very civil, though. I told him I wasn?t ?sore? with him anymore, but I still can?t stand him. He tried to get overly friendly. I kicked his butt in the duel for it! I mean, I totally wrecked him! It felt so good, especially after all his big talk about me not taking the duels seriously? Take that, shove it down your throat!

I got to sit by in the next round while Felix and Napoleon battled it out to see who would face me in the final round. I chatted with a girl name Alex, she seemed really nice! Then it was time to fight. Honestly, I?m so proud of myself! I?m never that focused but all I was thinking about was: win, win, win! And I did! Not only did I win, but I got my first shut out! Felix didn?t score one point against me. All my physical training must really be paying off. It wasn?t a perfect shut out, he lasted eight rounds, but it was so great!

Winning is totally the best high! I stopped by the Inn before coming home, tons of people there! I was so tired, though, that I just left. I?m going to go to sleep in a minute, just want to check on the kids first.

Things were weird on the walk home tonight.

September 25, 2007

I feel so out of control inside and it?s bleeding through.

First, it was Leslie dying. I haven?t really spoke about that with anyone. I don?t want to! I mean, I did talk with Piper about it when I first found out and she told me all the things I needed to hear: it wasn?t my fault, I can?t save everyone, I?m doing the best I can. That.isn?t.good.enough. If my best isn?t good enough to save people, people I should have really been paying attention to and watching out for even if I don?t like them, then my best isn?t good enough and I need something more. I need to go beyond where I?m at now.

Then it was a zombie invasion. Terrific. I maxed myself out badly fighting in that: magically, physically, emotionally. Every single one of those zombies I took out used to be someone, maybe someone I knew! I feel this uncontrollable rage over the loss of human life?it?s sickening.

It?s silly?I know it is and I feel stupid writing it. It?s silly that the thing that is bothering me the most lately is that stupid Marc Franco. It?s just like day after day he tears me apart, even when I don?t do anything particularly ridiculous! And I know people tell me not to listen to that garbage, and I know better than to, but that doesn?t mean it still can?t get inside my head. I don?t even want to look in the mirror anymore. All that?s staring back at me in some blue haired heifer with anger problems.

Stars, why do I let this bother me? I shouldn?t, but it does! And instead of reacting rationally, and just being low key and keeping his attention off me, I flip out instead. I lash out: I yell, I scream, I punch someone and it only brings me more negative attention. Then I can?t help being negative. Did you know I scored my first perfect shut out last week? Against Dizzy Flores, of all people! And I don?t even feel proud of that. I feel deflated.

Last night was just a mess in the Outback with Erin, Darren, Sam, Serena, G?and Stephen wasn?t making it any better. I wasn?t in the mood for it, though. I should have just stayed home. And I am going to snap if G makes one wrong move when it comes to Stephen.

November 12, 2007

Almost a month since I?ve last written in you. Did you know, I never realized how much I like being away from RhyDin until I?ve returned once more. RhyDin will always and forever be home, but I feel like it kills me to be here sometimes. This city will drain the life right out of you. There?s so many people pressing down upon me, so much need and want. This city will take everything you have and then beg for more. And I?ll give it to it, won?t I? I?d give it all, surrender my very soul without even thinking about the price.

Hah! I wonder if I make any sense to anyone at times. I don?t know that I even make sense to me.

Some days I just don?t think I can take it anymore. Take what? Being me. Being home means being domestic, playing mommy again. Most of the kids are off at school but I still feel trapped in that role when I?m home. I just sat down in the middle of picking up some toys the other day and cried. This is never how I wanted life to be and I still don?t feel prepared, twelve years after having Amanda, for this job. I?m just not emotionally ready for it. How can I be? I was still learning! I am still learning.

I hate the way this city makes me feel. For a while there, I could forget about Marc Franco and his gossip rag, that stupid Carley, bloody messages written on walls, body parts left as presents, all of it! It?s inescapable the second I step on land, though.

I can?t seem to stay out of trouble, either. First, it was with Veighn the other night. I wasn?t just giving in, letting him make me angry as he usually does. Instead, I was giving it back as good as I was getting! My tongue was quite sharp, I think. I don?t think he liked that at all, though, and tried from a different angle. Neither of us would give up the game! I ended up on the couch with him, letting him embrace me of all things! Oh, my skin crawls to think of it now. I spent all night scrubbing myself clean of his defiling touch?it will suck the life out of you! Which is just what he wants, isn?t it? My very soul. We were teasing each other, seeing who would go further, when he actually licked me! I wanted to die! He dared to touch me with those disgusting three tongues of his? Not that three tongues wouldn?t come in use but?not from him!

I think I got him back nice enough. I swear I didn?t mean it, it just happened! But I vomited all over him. My, that awful witch can scream like a banshee! He was shrieking and throwing a general fit, like a little girl! It was worth the foul taste in my mouth, I must say.

I had some quiet time spent with Eless the other evening before things went to hell all over again yesterday afternoon. I think I?ve written about the faerie Samael before, haven?t I? Handsome, hypnotic?I don?t know if I can really write more. I feel like he keeps trying to get me caught up in his web, and it almost worked. He used his glamour on me! Can you believe that? Me! There was a time when it wouldn?t have had the slightest effect, wasn?t there? When I would be so used to the feel of it, that it would have just rolled over me in feelings of pleasure and passion but without stirring me to any kind of action. Why why did I ever leave the Lands? I should have lost myself there forever, or at least until I was much older than I am and prepared for the world I have been thrust into.

Samael got me so wound up. I?m afraid I would have jumped him then and there, accepted all his invitations and forgotten about all else: promises, love, duty, everything! Fortunately, Cassie was there and I?m not so completely emotionally swayed by suggestion. I managed to keep my wits about me long enough, I suppose. I had to go find Stephen, though, and release up all those pent up?emotions. I feel so ashamed; even now my face is turning red again! Not that it was so very bad, but I practically walked up to my husband and demanded he have sex with me. I don?t do that! And to know that I was unable to just brush off Samael?s glamour; I wasn?t able to not let it affect me. I?m pathetic.

Last night was?better. It was nice to just be at the Inn with Stephen and friends, Robert stopped by. But there was this girl there, a new bartender! Oh, she was awful. And then my glass broke in my hand, and Stephen smelled the blood. Okay, so last night wasn?t really better. It was just a mess like every other night. Stephen wanted to leave but I refused to go outside, I felt this very strong Unseelie nearby. I didn?t want to budge. The last time I encountered someone who felt that strong, it was that night with those beasts that attacked Issy, Trixie, and I outside the Inn. It made me sick.

Fortunately it went away, whatever it was, and the night continued. These two?a woman and a man?were in the Inn all night, though, and something didn?t feel quite right about them. They were wrapped in illusions, at least he was! I tried to press upon it, break through, but I wasn?t able. He let it drop only right before I was about to leave and what he was (or is it wasn?t if he is nothing?) was chilling. I can?t believe I was so near to him the whole night without knowing. Now I wonder what she is; it can?t be anything good.

But you know what made it all better? Tass is back! I just cannot even put into words how happy that makes me. I could have held onto him forever last night, just to reassure myself that he?s real. He seems lighter, too, happier, and definitely stronger. I?m going to go spend an afternoon at the library with him, hopefully, before we leave again!

To make things even better (see?RhyDin isn?t all bad) I saw my little light this morning! She?s just as gorgeous and wonderful as ever. She helped me fix my hair and it was just so soothing to be around her again. When I?m with Amthy, I don?t feel so bad about myself anymore.

December 6, 2007

We are picking up the kids tomorrow, Ireland should be in sight with the sunrise; we?re both going to stay up to see it. It?s a lovely sight. I can?t wait to go home and have my paints with me again; words don?t do it justice. I doubt I can even do it justice with paints. Stephen, when he first told me about his isle, described it perfectly. How did he know I would love it? There?s just a different feel of it, the way the Vale feels when you near it. Everything is alive with the arcane. It makes the blood within my veins hum.

After we get the kids, it?s on to RhyDin town. I miss my city. I know that I tend to be miserable there at times, but it?s home all the same. I want to be with my friends, to pick up my old routine. I think I can handle it again now. I?ve been training, practicing. I?m ready to take on anything.

I love the Fury, though. My Stephen is in his element on board his ship and I could watch him for hours, days, forever! I know that he hates what he is, his nature, but I can?t help loving him for it all the more. We?re in this immortal life together. It?s nice to not feel alone, to really not feel alone.

I?m excited to be home and check up on some of my business ventures, too! The RhyDin House at the Waterfront should be ready to open for the mortal New Year. Perhaps we shall throw a party there for it, with the sea spread out in the distance below the windows and maybe some of those fireworks things lighting up the sky above. Lovely.

December 17, 2007

I?m home.

We got home a few days earlier than expected, oh thank you fair winds of winter! They are brittle against my skin but they bring me back to the land that I love most.

I barely had time to even stop by the house to make sure all was in order before I was off to the Annex for last night was this cycle?s Talon of Redwin Tournament. I didn?t expect to be back for it but since I was the current holder of the title, I felt it only right to go and try to maintain my title and make it as hard as possible for anyone else to win it. I was so close! If only I hadn?t lost to Teagan, it would have been mine again. I cut through the other competition easily enough, except for my Wyh-Sissy! We always mirror each other. Once again, Vinny was all talk. I cut him down with great pleasure. At least, if I had to get second place (again! The first time I fought in this tournament I earned second to Wyheree) it was to a lady that is a worthy opponent.

It was nice to see some familiar faces last night: Erin, Koy and her Matt, G, Harris, my Sissy (I?ve missed her so). I met one of Erin?s teammates, Joex, and the new Overlord. He was a very pleasant man; he actually seems to take an interest in what is going on in his sport and who is participating. I like that.

I think Erin has recruited me for her TDL team, even though they wear black and yellow and I refuse to mismatch such colors together on my frame. Can you imagine? Picture: giant bumblebee against a blue sky. Exactly. I had no intention of team league fighting this year, since I knew we would be sailing, but I?m actually looking forward to it! It should be fun, at least.

As excited as I am to be home, RhyDin is in a depressing state. Explosions, massive kidnappings, dead criminals walking the streets again? Even Erin was caught up in an explosion, although I still haven?t gotten all the details about that yet. I need to sit down with someone for a good hour or so and have them catch me up on all that I?ve missed. Something needs to be done about all of this and a new governor is not quite what I have in mind.

January 4, 2008

Another mortal year has passed. I rarely follow such things but I am glad it is over. It has brought me much happiness but enough sorrow as well. I found myself missing Tara more and more as the year waned.

It?s ironic that Maria Graziano wrote about how much I love myself in her note where she appointed me as her champion for the tournament to fight for the Overlord grant. I am quite the little actress, am I not? Is there a person possibly filled with more self-loathing than I? I do play quite the narcissistic brat, I suppose.

Samael was at the Inn yesterday. He was just toying with me again and I was?I am helpless against it. It is disgusting. I am disgusting. How Stephen can even stand to look at me, touch me. If he had not been there yesterday, I do not even want to think about what could have happened. What would have happened! For something definitely would have happened with someone other than Stephen, there is no denying that. The very thought makes me sick. I feel manipulated and?violated.

There should have been something I could have done to stop this. Why am I so weak to his control?

I want to peel the skin from my hands if it means I won?t ever want to touch anyone other than Stephen again. I don?t want to feel that way! I don?t want to be forced to feel that way.

And then?then with that kissing man. I almost lost it. Again. I wanted to break something, or cry.

I didn?t want anyone to touch me. I didn?t want them to somehow know what was going on in my head. I didn?t want to just snap and scream at them.

I went down to the Arena and dueled with Harris. I lost rather badly. I wouldn?t let the wards fully heal me either. It?s something else to focus on.

January 15, 2008

Last night I went to the Outback for Panther?s Claw Tournament; I did not go with the intention of pain. I didn?t get very far, lost in the first round, but that didn?t really matter as my knee was hurting me still anyways. I was in a good mood last night, or good enough. If I smile enough, no one notices that I?m still a muddled mess inside, usually. But then Harris had to start in on me about using myself as a punching bag. I know he?s just worried, he even said he worries, and he doesn?t think I can handle the physical beating like Koy can. There is no doubt in my mind that I can handle it. I do it because I can handle it and I can?t handle?other things. He brought it up, though, and Kitty was sitting there and I know she was looking at me. I wonder what Tass has said to her? Or maybe she had her own concerns.

Either way, Kitty wanted me to leave the Outback and go chat with her. I didn?t feel much like staying after some of what Harris had said; it?s so embarrassing and shameful to have people say such things to me! Why can?t I just fight? There?s nothing wrong with fighting, it?s just my way of dealing with things. I understand that they?re concerned but I didn?t harm myself at all and I?m fine now. It worked. Kind of. It?s just frustrating to be so exposed like that. They aren?t supposed to know! They aren?t supposed to speak about it. Perhaps I?m just that transparent, though. Obviously I am, for Kitty wanted to know what was bothering me that I needed to go get beaten up like that. I told her some of it, enough, I think, so that she won?t ask anymore questions. She told me some things about herself, trying to relate and make me feel better, I suppose. I appreciate her advice and lending me a listening ear but I just don?t want to talk about it, with anyone! It was hard enough speaking about it to Stephen, and look what putting that off did to our relationship.

The whole ordeal is sickening. I don?t even want to think about it, let alone speak about it. I want to forget it, to throw it away from me, put it off and away where I will never have to deal with it. Why does everyone have to make me try and face this? Stephen has asked me to confide in him, to let him help me to deal with such things, and I do not begrudge him that; that is his right, is it not? And I promised to do so with our vows. But everyone else? I am not beholden to tell them anything except as a friend! But if I don?t, will they still wish to be my friend? If I continue to hide myself off from everyone, to try and stand alone, what will happen then? Will I really be alone, then?

It?s snowing out. I don?t want to think about all this anymore. I?m going to go dance in the snow instead.

January 25, 2008

It was Travanix that had Wyheree. I ?bought??that makes me cringe to think about it each time?her at a slave auction he held last Sunday. She?s been acting very weird though and I still do not feel at peace. I can?t figure out what is going on, though, what he did to her to make her act the way she?s been acting.

Whatever happened, he will pay. Wyheree will get better, grow stronger again, and together we shall enact sweet revenge.

At least I keep telling myself that. When does anything ever work out the way I?ve planned it to, though? Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of Tommy killing Skyler. I?I?m happy with where I am, with Stephen. If Skyler had not died, things would not have turned out the way they have. However, it still feels weird and sad. I felt very melancholy all yesterday, depressed in spirit. He didn?t deserve to die and what have I really done to avenge his death? I made threats that I never fulfilled. Just?what good am I to anyone?

I thought going to the Inn and surrounding myself with people last night would help. It possible would have, too, if Robert had not been there. Why must he always cause trouble for me? What could I possibly have done to make him hate me, to make him want to ruin my relationship with Stephen? Does he think I?m a poor wife? He?s probably right if that?s how he feels. He made some crude comment about me and Bernie didn?t appreciate it. It turned into a little fight and Robert tried to shoot at him. What a mess. He accused me of sleeping with Bernie and who knows who else! He seems to think that that is why so many men (but does he not realize that it is not just men but just people in general?) place me under their care, claim responsibility and protection for me? That is how my life has always been since coming to RhyDin; I have not forgotten Dernick and my fallen angel, they were perhaps the first along with Ryda and Fei.

I think part of it is my glamour in addition to just my very nature. I am Fae and others, especially mortals, are drawn to that without possibly even knowing it. My glamour, without me even actively using it but just how it is connected with my very essence, can inspire love, devotion, and longing. People may love me without ever knowing or understanding why.

I sat with Piper, Eless, Rena, and Wil for some time. I was drinking by that point, though, and do not even rightly recall the conversation. I am ambassador to something and it involved interviewing men? I think Piper was asking me about Stephen?s ship, too; I did not stay long enough to sort it all out. I went for a long walk under the stars last night despite the cold, just to think. As I grow older, the slower I want to take life even as the world passes me by. I want to stop and savor each emotion and moment. After all, why not? I have forever to do so.

February 5, 2008

I saw Stephen. He wants to stay where he is until the elections. Fine! Of all the stubborn men in the world? The elections are not until next week, though. I just?I am frustrated with him, I suppose. I support what he is doing, I would even if I did not agree with him; he is my husband and he deserves my support. It is just that?sitting here, with everything else that is going on, without him? I am missing my best friend, again. There are so many things that need to get done, so many things that I am expected to do and am involved in, but there is no one to come home to at the end of the day and share these things with. I know it is only for a few days, that it has only been a few days, but that does not make it any better, really. I am so clingy! Disgusting.

Wyheree is back with us. Two men brought her into the Inn last night, badly injured. This still does not explain who was living at my house! I think I acted quite calmly during the whole exchange despite all else that has been going on in addition to Brian and Icer?s responses. I healed Wyh as much as I dared to; I had to do something, she was in such bad condition. Brian carried her upstairs for me and I made a poultice to apply to her back to help with all the wounds there. It is truly awful. When I was healing her, I saw the extent of all the damage done to her; I had to swallow the rising bile. Why would anyone do this to my lovely sister? All the blood and burns! I can still see them when I close my eyes. I held her hand throughout the night. I tried to ease her into a pleasant sleep with a touch of Glamour but I do not believe it lasted; she was tossing and turning so much. I cannot imagine what demons she must be fighting when she closes her eyes now.

Icer revealed to Brian that she thinks Travanix is behind all of this. I have no doubt of that in my mind but I do not think Brian alone is any match for Travanix. Neither of us know the true extent of his abilities but I have a clue. I need to talk to the Bloods about obtaining some Ysalimiri.

Woe to those who incur the wrath of the Fae.

February 21, 2008

It is amazing how quickly my brother in law can ruin my mood, no matter how good it may be. The other day he was making these comments about how he was surprised I could keep any child inside me, that a field so well ploughed wouldn?t just dropped them out?something along those lines. Hah! Maybe that is what?s wrong with me. Maybe that?s why? no, that is stupid, isn?t it? I can?t believe I am sitting here crying over something so silly. I know that?s not why?all the complications with Moradin and then the twins, they gave me real reasons for it. I know they said they could not know for sure, that my physiology is so different and complicated, but they thought?

I hate him.

March 10, 2008

I think everyone thought I was acting oddly last night. I even overheard Sjira asking Panther if I was ill. He said I was just Jewell and Kitty said I am Fae and therefore crazy. Am I crazy? Perhaps I am. I was just having fun, though, and acting as I want. I just wanted to play, laugh, and dream last eve; what more noble pursuit than those for a Fae?

I tried to give poor Tucker some love advice since he looked so clueless speaking to this woman. I told him he must not make a ?connection? without ?protection.? I think he might have mistaken my meaning, though.

I met Jalleia on the way out of the Inn. I must say that I truly enjoy her company. Alex has finally reacquired his good taste in women again! It fell off after me. She did not stay at the Inn but walked with me to the Keg. I did not feel like being without my husband?s company for long last night. Is it amazing that only a year ago, I barely knew him? And now?things have changed so very much! Tara has left us and I rarely ever see my Pix-love and?has Stephen taken their places in a way? He has certainly not replaced them but he fills that empty hole (stop thinking dirty!).

March 28, 2008

Wednesday night was awful, absolutely awful. I am still seething over it! I tried being calm and rational, hoping that perhaps something was just wrong with Piper that made her act the way she did, but really.. it is inexcusable in my mind. The night started out well enough, I just don't understand what got into Piper when Stephen came into the Inn. We were having a decent conversation about...well, I don't even remember what! Then Stephen came in, was rifling through my bag, found the Merry Mischief Makers ID card and was asking about it, wanted to know how much it was going to cost him for me to be a member (he is so dramatic!). I swear, all he did was give Piper one little look and she totally snapped! She insulted him, implied that he abuses me! Stephen, of all people! I almost want to laugh at the irony if the comment didn't make me feel so sick inside. Out of every man I have ever been with, Stephen is the only one who would never ever lay a hand on me in an inappropriate way; he has not and will not.

Things just progressed from bad to worse. Stephen made some pithy remark in reply to Piper's accusation that he abuses me--I really love his sense of humor even when he is being so provoked--and then she assaulted him! Piper assaulted my husband, with me standing right there. I cannot believe the audacity of that! She threw one of her stupid mugs at him. Not that it really could hurt him, but that is besides the point! I should have hit her for it. I should have laid her out flat on the ground for daring to do that. To think she thought she could get away with that, with me standing right there!

I didn't, though. I did not even touch her. One punch and she would have been out. Why didn't I do it? I yelled, though. I should have cursed her to her face. She deserves it. Assuming those horrible things! She said she could not let me be disrespected by my husband. As if Stephen has ever acted in a manner that is disrespectful towards me! And if he did, would I not tell him so? What kind of woman does she take me for? I am just insulted and angered on all fronts over this. I told her that I do not forget such slights, and I don't.

I am hurt, too. I thought Piper was a friend, but a friend would never act in such a manner. She talked about disrespect? Is there anything more disrespectful towards me than treating my husband in such a manner in a public place? My husband, that has never done a blessed thing wrong to her? I am so outraged.

Stephen was so good about it, though. I know he was angry but he kept so calm and quiet about it, just called me over to his side, talked to me softly. I doubt there is anything more soothing to me than his voice. We did not stay at the Inn much longer, who needs to be around such people? We wandered around a while, ended up at the Outback later in the night; spent some time with Koy, Sartan, and Matt before going home.

Last night was a little better, I suppose, though I was still brooding over the whole thing. Stephen's sense of humor keeps me uplifted; he knows me so well. We were at the Inn again and he was just playing off Piper's words as if they were true, mocking them. He was acting rude, ordering me about, slapping my butt. I find it funnier now than I did then, but it did help to lighten my mood.

Issy was at the Inn for a while, I'm really worried about her. She's working herself into the ground; I'm afraid she is just going to lose it one of these days. Grem was there also. For a while we had a nice little party of people at a table: Storm, Ewan, Brian came by, Wyheree, Kitty, Tass showed up later, Rena was there (we had talked earlier in the day about what had happened).

Stephen did not stay as late as I did; I think his mood was still fouled by what Piper had said although he tried to hide it. I think he may be getting restless to leave RhyDin again...he had made a comment earlier along those lines, and one the other night about going to live on some island. I suppose we need to sit down and discuss it seriously sooner rather than later.

Jalleia's friend (former lover? whatever he may be) Korlian finally found me. What a coy man! He had a present for me but he took an awful long time in presenting it, playing me with his words. He was actually quite amusing! He gave me a toy yeti--as I had asked Jalleia what a yeti was some time ago. It is so creepy to look at! Little harry thing. And it moves! The kids absolute love it; it has already been featured as a monster in one of their little games earlier this morning.

I am staying about the house today, getting some little odds and and ends done. I do not really feel like being around other people outside the familial circle at the moment.

April 28, 2008

I lost my Madness duel to Tass last night; eliminated in the second round, not the worst thing that could have happened. I would certainly rather lose to Tass than anyone else, and I told him so. I did fairly well, even for losing, I must say! The score was 7-5.5, I believe, at the end of eighteen rounds. That is me, a little old no-ranker, going against a Baron! Very well, indeed.

Tara was there to cheer on Cor against Anubis. We got to speak for a little while before it was time for me to duel. Men are truly nothing but trouble, aren?t they? It was nice just to be able to sit and talk with her again. I have other female friends but none like Tara, none that can even come near to replacing her for me. I only got to watch the beginning of Cor?s fight against Lord Anubis, but I believe Anubis did his best to annihilate him in the ring. He can be quite a cruel duelist at time, but I lose no respect for him because of it.

The weather is warming. I believe we will be sailing more often and for longer soon. Part of me does not want to go, now, not with Tara back. However, the rest of me loves the time I get to spend with Stephen; just us on the open sea and none of the worries that plague our lives in RhyDin. I think those are sometimes the most happiest days of my life.

June 2, 2008

I lost it earlier on Amanda. What was I thinking? I know I tend to be overprotective of her when it comes to men but this was more than that. Whatever I was thinking, it is simply preposterous. Just because she meets a man in the marketplace and the description is just like him? I mean, it is absolutely impossible! I was at the funeral, I saw him lying there dead. I made sure he was dead! There is no way that could change and that this could be happening.

So why can?t I shake the notion that maybe I wasn?t completely overreacting?

June 6, 2008

I have not seen him in two days. Maybe I really was just imaging him?the stress of the situation and all.

But there was no situation, was there, before when I thought I saw him. It only happened after. And now??

What do you do when your husband tells you that he just saw his dead first wife? Should I be angry? Disbelieving? Maybe we are both going crazy? Or maybe?maybe they really are back? But that is impossible! Yes, the dead come back in RhyDin but not from other places! Not like this. Maybe someone is playing tricks on us. Oh please let this be a trick, an illusion that I can vanquish.

I do not know how to act around my own husband now. He has a wife and family, why does he need me then? If she is back, he doesn?t, does he? If she is back, he?ll have his real wife, a good wife, a wife and a baby, and then I will just?

What will I do? I cannot even tell him now about Robin, thinking that I saw him. He is so distraught and I feel like I will just get in the way. He doesn?t want my comfort, does he?

Everything feels so quiet, like the world is holding its breath.

This is not how I imagined spending my one year anniversary with my husband.

June 16, 2008

I just have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I don?t want to move. Lifting this pen up to write is hard enough. Who has the strength, the desire, to do any of these things? Eat? Breathe? Live?

I had to get out of the house. I am at the Clubhouse now; it?s fairly empty these days, all the girls scattered and busy with their own pursuits. I should be too. I usually am. Not now. Not anymore.

I want to be out to sea. I need the clarity of mind that the water brings. I need to be soothed. I am so dependent. But it does not matter because I am not going to get to do that anymore, will I? It will not be me setting sail at his side. It will be her. HER! I am the other woman now. How does that make me feel?

Awful. Degraded. Useless. Pointless. Hopeless. Debased. Mortified. Ashamed. Humiliated. Valueless. Used.

Was he using me all this time? Have I always been just a replacement for something he couldn?t have but wanted more than me? How did I ever think I could measure up to her? That I could be anything in comparison to her?

I have been used before. I was power incarnate.

He told me he loved me. I believed him. We gave our vows. Should I release him? What would be the point to keep him tied to me? He promised her too, did he not? Should not that promise stand, breaking ours to pieces? And why would I hold him? Am I really that selfish? Yes. But what good would it do? I cannot force him to love me, to want me, to want to be with me.

Robin is here. He is alive. So very alive. Only the living can bruise your skin like this. I would know if he was the undead or simply dead. I can see such things when I want. I wanted to see such a thing, when I saw him. But he is alive. I saw him dead, though. He was lying there. I laughed. Why? Why is he alive? I can?t look at him. I can?t face him! Every single time, I feel thirteen again. I am thirteen again. You cannot face demons when you are only thirteen. You run from them. I ran from him.

I am always under his control. He poisoned my soul the first time, filling my mind and heart with poisonous words? I have never been able to get rid of it all, it lurks in dark corners. Then it was my body. A true poison for my physical being this time until I was broken down, weak. I couldn?t resist.

That?s how I feel now. I feel myself breaking again. Only this time.. this time Stephen has helped him, hasn?t he? Just as Jemini did before him. They always turn their back on me. They turn their back on me and there is no where left to go. He promised. Why did he turn his back on me?

But I won?t go back! Not into his arms. Not this time. I am never going back there. They can?t make me! No one can make me. There is always an escape. I was too cowardly the first time, wasn?t I? And they wouldn?t let me the second time. They took everything away from me, checked on me constantly. They made it impossible to accomplish.

It is the very last resort or all resorts, but a viable one, no?

It is better than remembering. I can remember everything. I hate it. I hate me. I hate me now and then. Why am I spineless? Why can?t I stand up to him? Make him leave me alone?

Why am I cowardly? Why do I not tell her to leave? Why did I not tell her that he is mine, that she is unwelcome? I could tell her that I can be what she was to him.

But he is not mine, is he? How could I ever really have him? He wants her. He wants a baby.

Do I want a baby?

I remember the pain. It was so sharp that first time. It lasted forever. It hallowed me out, carving out all my insides until I was nothing. I was left with nothing. There was a hole deep inside, afterwards, to swallow me whole.

Hah! This all would make little sense to anyone reading. But that is a moot point, is it not? There is no one left to read this.

They will tell me to be strong. I have my friends, after all. But they pity me. That is not friendship. I do not want such condescension.

They will tell me to be strong, for my children. Why? They are better off with Iona. They love and respect her more than me. Not surprising. Am I there for them? Do I support them? Care for them? Provide a safe environment for them? Protect them from this world?

I never wanted children.

A lie. There was a time. I wanted a baby desperately then. That?s when I turned into nothing. There was a baby, then there was nothing. No me, no baby. Only a memory: joy unfulfilled.

So many memories. I don?t want them anymore. I want to get drunk.

Early Morning; June 30, 2008: The Red Dragon Inn, Room #7

I am without pen and paper. Stars above, I want my journal! Even if I had it, though, would I bother to write? Could I write? My arms feel so heavy, my hands like leaded weights.

I can just think my thoughts instead.

Why can?t I keep it together? Why do I continue to fall apart at the seams?

I thought I was doing okay last night. It was raining. I do so love the rain. It protects me, envelopes me. He would never be able to get at me in the rain; it is my only true protection. I know it will never fail me, never betray me.

Stop! Stephen did not mean it as a betrayal, I must stop thinking of it like that. Yes, I know it still feels that way. Imagine how I made him feel though? But no, the rain will never make me feel that way. After seeing Robin in the window last night, it was the only way I could feel safe at night without Stephen at my side, the only way I could go to the Inn. But I didn?t really even want to go to the Inn, did I? I did and I didn?t. I don?t want to do anything lately. I want to stay home, hidden away. I do not want to move. But I know that seeing my friends make me feel better. At least, I hoped that seeing them would make me feel better. The question is: did it work?

No. I smiled. I shouted out Tara?s name and ran to her side like I?m supposed to. I offered up witty comments and criticism, greeted people with a pleasant demeanor. All for what? Every smile was forced. Every word I said was measured first to make sure it was correct, to ensure that it was the right thing to say. I couldn?t betray anything. Don?t show them how afraid you are. Don?t show them how weak and helpless you feel. Always maintain a strong front.

Training from long ago but forever ingrained. How can I seek help when I don?t want anyone to know how vulnerable I feel? When I want to just pretend everything is okay in hopes that pretending will make it so.

Things went well at first. I was just chatting with Piper and Skid, pretending everything was all right. I think I did a pretty okay job of it; it was easier to do knowing that I was safe from him because of the rain. Then Tara came in and she saw those flowers on the bartop. Cursed flowers! I remember getting them last year and how hurt I was, stung. Then Stephen brought me different ones to lift my spirits. Why can?t I allow him to do that now? Can he, though? I am forever oppressed by one man. A shadow of the past that nags at me forever and ever.

Later I was conversing with Tara?s newly freed slave Sai. That?s when everything went wrong. I was doing okay up until then. But he propositioned me and tried to grab my arm and I just lost it. I went in to defensive mode. Years of training yet again. I cannot believe I pulled my pistol out on him! I hate carrying weapons, I never do so unless we?re in port somewhere where I cannot use magic. I can use magic here but I do not trust myself to do so. My emotions are too scattered, too heightened. I cannot trust myself to do what I need to do to protect myself; I cannot trust myself to be able to do the magic I may need to do.

If I was in that situation again? the other night. I was barely able to get a grip and use my abilities. What would have happened if I couldn?t? No. No no no. Don?t think about that. Not again, not now. That?s why I need to be armed, though. Even if I don?t want to be. Even if it means drawing a pistol on someone that does not truly mean me harm.

The DeAusters stepped in after that. They are always there, such pillars of strength! I am embarrassed how weak I behave before them. They are always so kind, though. I gathered myself together after that, but I could not stay. I was too close to breaking. Much too close. That?s why I am here and not home. The rain had stopped. I was ready to break and the rain had stopped and I couldn?t go home, not then. It wasn?t safe. What if he had found me when I was like that?

I am not safe.