Topic: Relationships II

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-07-19 13:10 EST
It started out innocently enough, but I understand that is almost always that way. He thought I was pretty and I agreed, flattered of course that this young man was taking an interest in little-ol?-me at only thirteen. Na?ve? You betcher?ass!

It was at a ball, some type of state function. I don?t remember what it was being given for anymore just that I had to attend and I dreaded every second of it. My dress was perfect, styled after fey fashion in greens and blues that flawlessly complimented my blue hair. Does anyone realize how hard it is to dress when your hair is blue? You have to be so particular when matching colors and shades. My mask, for all those dignitaries insisted on wearing them which meant I to had to wear one, was an artistic integration of silver paint and glitter on my face; it swirled around my eyes and up into my blue hair which was piled upon my head in curls with the smallest tiara sitting on top. I was a princess, the gem of the evening, and I hated having to wear that plastic smile and dance with all those old lecherous men who seemed so excited to see I had finally acquired an adequate chest.

I thought he saved my life when he walked up to me and asked me to dance. His demeanor wasn?t stiff, like the other young men who asked me to dance and then stood two feet away, grasping on to me with sweaty palms. No, he practically strutted up to me with green eyes roaming over my body. It didn?t make me feel ashamed despite that I was still usually uncomfortable in my growing body. No, he made me feel beautiful, sexy even, and he held me closer than any other man did as we danced.

He never bored me with mundane chatter, just silently spun me along. He would occasionally catch my eye and grin which was enough to send my attention flying to the wall, ceiling, anything-else-but-him as I blushed madly. Still, I let him claim every dance with me that night. It was a dangerous step to take, proclaiming my favor so adamantly, so clearly, to the rest of the political world. I sealed my fate simply because I didn?t feel like dancing with anyone else.

He was a constant visitor on my home world after that, taking any diplomatic mission his father or elder brother needed to take care of as an excuse to see me. He even took an interest in being part of the Intra-system Senate, as he knew I was training with some of my brother?s people to take up responsibilities there.

What girl wouldn?t feel special with such attention lavished on her? He had picked me, little unimportant Jewell-though I was hardly unimportant politically-to court out of an entire system worth of young ladies that would have promptly swooned into his arms and into his bed, at his mere request.

I had done the former on that very first night he had singled me out for his attention, affection as I saw it. It wasn?t too long before I did the latter. A combination of experienced kisses and a few lines that men still feed women today: ?I?ll love you forever,? ?I?ll never leave you,? ?You?re the only thing that?s important to me in life,? ?If you really loved me,? and I was a willing participant in his nighttime activities. I would have wept if I had known I was not the only one.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-07-19 13:13 EST
Do you understand politics? I do much better now than I did then. Hindsight his 20/20 they often say and looking back I almost laugh at how pathetically blind I was to the political undercurrents that ruled my love life. I say ?almost laugh? because it really isn?t that funny, not very funny at all.

If you understand politics than you must know what it means to be the second son to a king. It means you get nothing, absolutely nothing, in comparison to that one sibling who stands in your way to ruling an entire world. Of course, they?ll buy you off with a barony someplace and give you the title of ?prince.? Don?t fool yourself, as a second son you?re just as unimportant to the world as the farmer who tills his own land to make ends meat.

Robin Adeimus was the second son to the King of Pyra and when he saw me that night at the ball that decided my fate, he saw clearly the path of leaving the degrading position of ?second son? behind forever.

I should probably better explain who I was so that you will understand, as I have come to understand, why I was Robin?s ticket to power. You see, I was born second child to the king and queen of Aquarius, which is the biggest planet in the Halaxi system. However, the king and queen were long dead by the time I was thirteen and it was my older brother Jem (weren?t my parents so original with our names?) who was ruling as king. If something were to ever happen to Jem then I would be queen. It?s all very simple, yes?

Now why couldn?t Robin just have his own brother killed off and become king of his planet, why would he have his eyes set on mine? Robin?s brother was perhaps the only creature in the entire universe that he ever felt affection for, he would never have killed him in a million years; my brother would have been a meaningless causality. Besides, my planet was the bigger prize; Pyra may have had the stronger army (which I actually had a hand in crippling shortly before the fated ball) but Aquarius was, still is, the stronger political power and it holds the system?s Senate in its hand.

I, as a person without my royal title, was perhaps the biggest prize of all and I do say that in all the modesty that many (especially my friend Hanzo) do not believe I have. Perhaps you have heard that I was once Guardian of my planet. Separate from the political powers and entities that rule over a civilization, a Guardian is destined to serve as the avatar and protector of their home world. Every single person on Aquarius was under my protection since I was twelve.

Looking at me, this might not make much sense. I have some rudimentary fighting skills (fine-honed for bar brawls over the last ten years) and some magic. How was I chosen to protect an entire planet? Well, to start, Guardians are not chosen by people but by the planet. I was literally born into the job. Guardians are also not left on their own to defend their worlds. As a planetary avatar, the planet serves as the Guardian?s source of power; the ley lines of the entire world will bend to its Guardian?s will.

So, to sum it up and get back to what I was actually talking about to start with (which is why I am the way I am and why I hate to see bruises on my wrists ignoring the fact that they are just ugly), I was in a position to give Robin political gain and if he controlled me he could control the entire world that I was Guardian of. Understand? Good.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-07-19 13:16 EST
I wish I could say that we married and suffered through one of those awful political marriages where the husband and wife sleep together until they produce a heir and then he only visits her bed once a year after that. They live separate lives with no love for one another and perhaps just a little bit of spite over the fact that they aren?t happier. They find other people to warm their beds and just live, accepting their situation for what it is.

He didn?t ask to marry me, even on my world I was still too young for that. Instead, he groomed me for marriage to him, to be the perfect wife to an overbearing husband. I was to be obedient, submissive, quiet, loyal, charming, eager to please, etc. And no, he didn?t come right out and list these things to me. It was a painful process to make me understand that the way I acted was not acceptable, that I was not good enough for him the way I was. No, but he cared for me enough to be patient with me and to talk down to me when I was wrong and make me see things his way. It was only so I would understand. He just wanted us to be happy together. He didn?t mean to raise his voice, to call me names, to make me cry but I just couldn?t get anything right, could I? I couldn?t dress right, talk right, eat right, love him right.

Even if I could put into words everything he did to me, I don?t think I would. You really don?t want to hear all that and I really don?t want to tell you, or anyone. I haven?t told anyone, ever. Hints have been dropped now and again but to come right out and say it? I can?t because that would be admitting the truth of the matter and it doesn?t hurt me as much when I just skirt around it. You think these are the types of things that won?t happen to you ever, just to someone else, like a house burning down.

Ironic, isn?t it, that this has all happened to me and my house has recently been destroyed.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-07-19 13:24 EST
I?ll be honest with you but you probably won?t believe me- I wasn?t afraid of Robin. He hit me?I don?t even know how many times. I perfected the art of glamour, the particular method of perfecting my appearance, in weeks to hide my bruises from others. I wasn?t afraid of him, though. What I was afraid of was disappointing him, something I seemed to do on a daily basis.

In some religions there exists ?godly fear?- not fear that god (a god, any gods) will strike you down where you stand but that you will do something to earn His, their, disapproval. This exists in families as well, a child?s fear of disappointing his or her father. I had this godly, fatherly, fear of Robin only a disapproving glare was the least of my worries unless others were around.

I lived this way for over a year. I convinced myself that I was happy as I dropped the few friends that I had because Robin didn?t approve of them. I changed the way I did my hair. Every word that came out of my mouth was carefully though out beforehand so as not to offend. Every action was carefully calculated. Nothing was ever what I wanted- simply what I thought Robin would want me to want.

I was never good enough, but any person who finds themselves in this situation-their head so far under water they can?t see the sun filter through-never feels good enough. Good at all. Self-esteem, what? I still look into the mirror every day to analyze my figure- ?what?s wrong with me today,? I think because perfect doesn?t exist in my world.

Something happened, one of those many single events that change your world forever. I can?t tell you, it?s a secret I keep too close to my heart. I?ve never spoken a word about it to anyone, so do not be offended that I am not baring my complete soul just now. Be satisfied in knowing that this incident enabled me to muster the courage and cut Robin from my life. It has to be a clean cut because otherwise you?ll always go crawling back with your own rationalizations flooding your mind: ?He doesn?t mean to hurt me,? ?He really does love me, he just doesn?t know how to show it,? ?He didn?t meant to hit me that hard,? ?I deserved it last time because?? on and on and on.

I cut him from my life and tried to piece myself back together. Frankly, this was damn near impossible at first. We were expected to be together then, from a political viewpoint, and my elder brother was always pushing for it. And, no one knew. I had no one to confide in, no one to cry to.

I was bound to fall apart again; the odds were so stacked against me. After a year spent ?apart,? I was never allowed to really live my life apart from him completely, I was forced to finally accept Robin as my betrothed. I did this with all the grace I could muster at fifteen. I didn?t kick and scream but I tried my best to make him wish he had never set eyes on me. I was a game of spite and I was so good it cost me.

At a ball held in honor of our upcoming nuptials, I publicly shunned him. I danced my little heart out, using my newly gained feminine wiles on any man that came my way. I laughed and chatted to my hearts content and did not give him the time of day. I felt truly happy, satisfied, for the first time in months. What a blow to his sensitive ego and I paid for it dearly, later. That was my last night home.

Perhaps it was fate, if you believe in such a thing. I don?t know if I do. I do know that because of that night I came to RhyDin where I?ve lived out the last ten plus years of my life. I came to RhyDin battered and abused. I jumped if you snuck up on me, my smile constantly faltered when I looked in a mirror and even now I still flinch sometimes when a man raises his voice to me.

Tell me, am I still doomed?