Topic: Running on Thin Ice

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-11-22 12:58 EST
Lie in comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose.
Lie in the darkness, I'm slowly drowned to sleep with nothing left to lose.
Three tears I've saved for you.
I?d retrace the steps that lead me here but nothing lives behind me.
So I lie in this field bathed in the light that loves me, with nothing left to lose.
Ever and a Day, AFI

Jewell had been running on thin ice all month, running the thin line between strength and total emotional fall out at a break-neck pace. It was only a matter of time before she fell through. Now she didn?t even know where she was.

When you fall through thin ice, your foot just doesn?t get stuck?you?re going under, baby.

Jewell didn?t make it home last night. Later she?d blame it on the tequila she had pounded back, one shot after another, but for now she wasn?t wholly aware that she wasn?t home. She was wrapped in the embrace of an old tree, its roots surrounding her as she sat curled up in the dirt with her back against the trunk. Dirt and leaves coated her yellow dress, the latter scattered through her blue locks as well. She could almost pass for a Dryad, contently sleeping with her brother-tree.

If only Jewell were sleeping, though. Tears ran their course down her cheeks as they had since last night, dropping off her chin to puddle on her knees as she hugged them to her chest. This is what happens when the wall comes down. Everything that had been held back for the last month?Alex coming back, Issy being in jail, and Renna in general?had come crashing through.

Jewell was drowning.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-11-23 10:33 EST

I have seen the self image they've forced you to reduce to shattered glass,
With the only remaining value lying in its jagged edges.
But the few who warrant waking for await their recognition.
No fear of death but with fear of life, your weakness kills everyone.
So live.
Narrative of Soul Against Soul, AFI

The ice cuts me as I fall through. It cuts me until I cry and I just wish the pain was physical because then, at least, I could grit my teeth and bear it. I?ve been cut before. This way just so hurts so badly.

Eventually it?ll stop, for a little while. My body will cool and I don?t have to think about it.

It?s stopped now and I?m cold. It holds back the pain, numbs it away.

This is all such nonsense to you but it?s my reality. A process repeated a thousand times.

I hold myself back from warm hands that think they offer reprieve. I can?t thaw out.

I can?t thaw out because then I?d have to deal with it all over again and I would just wish I was cold once more.

And I think, ?Maybe I?ll just go through life and freeze.? It never works.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-11-23 10:57 EST
I decay
Killed by the weakness, but forced to return, turn it off
Death of Seasons, AFI

Everyone wonders what?s going on inside this little head of mine. Oh, wouldn?t they like to know? I mean, really know.

I don?t even want to know.

They offer their help but I?m cold, cruel?I spurn it. I won?t be weak. I?ll stand on my own.

It?s disgusting the way I acted yesterday: crying, sniffling, like some baby. I told the girls I wanted Issy home, like I missed my mommy or something. Pathetic. Those are thoughts to keep inside. They need the brave front to lean upon, not me. I am the brave front.

I won?t let the wall fall again. I can?t go back into that spiral of madness. I barely touched the surface this time and I still shudder to think about it. The last time it took me forever to climb back out.

It?s time to be tough again, brush the moment of weakness aside and stride forward on steady feet. If I have to be impersonal then so.be.it. I must stand to stem the flowing tide against those who can?t. Noble ambition, huh? It?s something.

And here, in my home, is the only place I can let that warmth show now. It?s safe here.