How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
--Avenged Sevenfold; So Far Away

Kasimira woke early the next morning at the climax of her despair. Any momentary relief she had felt in her dream at the sight of Amanda and the voices of her family dissipated around her. Not for the first time, the full weight of everything she had first given up upon coming to Faerie and everything else she had lost along the way crashed down upon her. She was drowning, suffocating under the burden of loss.

It wasn?t just the things physically taken from her: a previous life, her possessions, her house, her children! It was everything else too: her time, her free-will, her future, herself. They had taken from her what she was and reforged her into something else entirely. Had she always been so cruel, cold and calculating? Hadn?t she laughed once? Loved life? Been genuinely happy? She wasn?t even sure anymore.

And then there was the ceremony. Her hand moved unconsciously to her chest, as if what they had taken from her then was a physical part of her. Maybe this was because she could still feel an ache there. She pressed the skin of her chest until it bruised, but even that couldn?t simulate what she felt inside. The screaming started to build again inside her head. Soon it would overtake all her thoughts, drowning out everything with wailing anguish.

She flung the sheets from her bed, rushing from the room that had been hers for many many years now, yet it suddenly felt alien. Those were not her clothes in the armoire, her slippers scattered on the floor, her jewelry spread across different surfaces. She did not recognize these things. She moved down the stone hallways of the place she had come to call home. There was no need to be stealthy; everyone was avoiding her these days. A scullery maid skittered out of the way at her approach. Another hid in a doorway as she breezed past, mumbling some offer of assistance that was gratefully ignored.

Her feet followed a path that should have been well-worn by this time as she treaded it daily. No one ever dared to follow her when she opened the ornate wooden doors and passed into the family gallery. They had long ago learned that this room was sacred to their mistress, and she could be cruel when provoked. One poor little bogart noted her destination though, having followed her at a distance, and took off in search of Lord Ishmerai; he was always to be kept appraised of the movements of the Lady Kasimira these days.

Once inside the gallery, moved slowly down the aisle; her family?the family that claimed her?was represented in portraits on either side. She didn?t even see them. They were no concern of hers. Instead, she walked towards the end of the room to an alcove that had been set aside for her. Candles always kept it lit so her children were never in the dark.

On the right were the triplets: Oz, Raven, and Eva-Jade at the age of eight. On the left were her twins: Kerrick and Devyn at the age of seven. And in the middle, the portrait she went towards, Amanda and Moradin, portrayed at the ages fourteen and ten respectively. Moradin was seated in a chair, staring blankly straight ahead. Amanda stood behind him, a hand placed protectively on her brother?s shoulder. While all the other children were posed quite formally, with stiff smiles on their faces, Amanda was different. Her fire-cracker of a daughter glared at anyone who stood before the portrait. No one had any doubt that the little angel?bedecked and adorned like the highest nobility in Faerie?would kill you if she had a chance.

Kasimira reached forward, placing her hand on her child?s painted cheek. ?Oh Amanda.? She moved even closer, resting her forehead against the textured paint. She didn?t feel as if she could even physically support herself anymore. ?What am I to do? I have failed you, failed you all. I just do not think I can fight this anymore.?

She listened quietly then. There would be no answer, there never was, but she thought if she listened closely enough she could hear her daughter?s dreaming voice. No words were discernible, just a low murmur of the still childish voice forever stuck in what her mother hoped were pleasant dreams. They had assured her that the children weren?t suffering, that they were dreaming the sweet dreams of childhood, waiting for her to set them free.

But she couldn?t. It was all for nothing. She was nothing.

Ishmerai found her there hours later, her cheek against the portrait of Amanda and Moradin, hands on the painting as she tried to hug them, to somehow hold on to them as they seemed to slip further away. He watched her for some time, knowing that no one could fully share with her in this sorrow.

He eventually stepped forward, placing his hand gently upon her shoulder. ?Kasimira,? he called softly, and she lifted her head, blinking her eyes, as if she had been dreaming as well. He could only hope that they had been pleasant dreams. ?It is time to dress and eat, Mira.?

She stared at him as if uncomprehending. This is how it had been for months. ?Time to sleep, Mira.? ?You must bathe now, Mira.? ?You must dress for court today, Mira.? She went through the motions for his sake, making it clear to everyone that she did not see the point, that she did it not to disappoint him. She had already failed herself, this was the least she could do for her guardian knight.

?But Merai, I do not want to.? It wasn?t that she just didn?t want to dress and eat. It was greater than that now. She didn?t want anything anymore.

?I know, Mira.? Yet he still put his arm around her fragile shoulders and led her away.

But don't take your life
because it's all that you've got
you'd be better off just up and leaving
if you don't think they will stop

And when you wake up
everything is going to be fine
I guarantee that you wake up in a better place
in a better time
so you're tired of living
and you feel like you might give in
well don't
it's not your time
--Streetlight Manifesto; A Better Place, A Better Time

It had been months now since he first found the need to watch her. In the spring, when they had arrived home after the ceremony?after her tears had finally dried and a sad, brooding silence took their place?he found her one morning, sitting at her vanity, with one of his knives set out before her as well as a jar of healing salve. The sharp tang of blood filled the air of the room. He had looked at her questioningly. She had just shrugged her shoulders in return; ?I could not go through with it. I suppose I am just not brave enough.? Ishmerai had felt furious at first, wanting to shake her until she promised to never try something so foolish again, until she swore to want to live.

His anger had slowly given way to fear that made him sick inside. When Kasimira found that she could not dispatch herself quickly, and she knew it would be pointless to ask Ishmerai or anyone else she trusted for help, she simply allowed herself to fade away instead. Sleep was already hard to come by, plagued by nightmares as it was, but food too became suddenly unnecessary. She ate for show, but it was quickly not enough to sustain her.

He followed her throughout the summer as she languished away from him, from everyone. She moved like a ghost, haunting places with her presence. Sometimes it was the hot spring baths, where she just stared longingly at the water as it fell over the rocks. Other days, he shadowed her to the river banks, watching as she sat heedlessly on the muddy ground, hands outstretched to the waters that just passed her by. She spent countless hours in the gallery, staring at the portraits of her children as if she could will them back to life. Often he found her just sitting in her room, staring at the wall.

Most people avoided her. She was tainted now, condemned for the actions she had taken, in part, on their behalf. Others, like her cousin, watched on victoriously as Kasimira slowly self-destructed. Ishmerai and her grandmother begged, pleaded, and fought to get her to wake up and come back to them.

?Would you like to examine the guard today?? Ishmerai asked, suggesting a favorite past-time of hers.

?No,? was the one-word answer he received.

?But they are in need of supervision, Mira, and that is your responsibility.?

She always grew hostile when they mentioned responsibility. ?Then you do it,? she snapped at him.

?Darling, the court is meeting today to discuss the mid-summer festival. I could use your presence; you are always so good at pacifying everyone and getting these events in order,? her grandmother tried.

?I do not care about the mid-summer festival,? Mira replied sullenly.

?Perhaps we should plan a masque instead? You have always thrown the most lavish and fun parties. Everyone raves about them for weeks.?

?No.?

?And what about the trade agreement you were working on with Lord Alwyn; we really must resolve that.?

?Find someone else.?

?But dear, you are heir. They want to deal with you.? Lady Nerissa received no response to that, so she tried another route. ?If you continue like this, Muirenn will just gain more control. You are doing exactly as she wants.?

?Let her. I do not care,? Kasimira enunciated every word, trying to make herself clear. She did not care about her former responsibilities. She did not care about mid-summer festivals or autumn balls. No parties. No trade agreements. No pacifying ruffled nobility. These were all activities she had excelled at previously, all parts she had played perfectly for the family. She simply did not care for any of it now.

Ishmerai and her grandmother did their best to cover for her, but it was quickly well-known before mid-summer came that Lady Kasimira was weak and failing in her role as heir. Ishmerai watched as her enemies descended upon her like hungry sharks.

And I'm chained like a slave, trapped in the dark
Slammed all the locks, death calls my name
And it seems I've been buried alive
--Avenged Sevenfold; Buried Alive

As the year was falling away to winter, the three of them?Kasimira, her grandmother, and Ishmerai?sat at a table on one of the patios, servants buzzing about them to remove this plate and provide some new delicacy to tempt Kasimira with. She didn?t touch any of it. Her companions spoke about her like she wasn?t even there.

?What do you think the threat level is now??

?It is hard to tell, M?lady. Clearly they had originally hoped for exile or perhaps even her death, as we have discussed. But they may be pacified now with the decision of the Autumn Court. Muirenn has received what she wanted: Mira is,? he hesitated, looking at his lady who was apparently lost in thought, before choosing his words carefully, ?diminished and no longer in power. I am afraid that just may not be enough to satisfy them.?

Death. Kasimira was stuck on the word Ishmerai had said. Wasn?t that what her enemies had received? Surely death was inside her now. She felt it eating away at her. Certainly, that was what the pain in her chest was: the rot and decay of death. Or perhaps it was from the pressure of shovel after shovel of dirt as they slowly buried her alive. She was suffocating under the pressure of it. Interrupting Ishemrai, she entered the conversation, ?But they did get what they wanted. How am I a threat at all??

Ishmerai and her grandmother looked at each other a moment, but it was her grandmother that spoke. ?Just because you do not care at the moment that you are not heir, dear, that does not mean that at some later date you may still not care. They have to protect themselves against that eventuality. We are worried that they will stop at nothing to rid themselves of you, the thorn in their plans. They clearly did not mean for you to have even survived this long, but when you... dispatched of Conventina, their plans went awry.?

She shrugged under the weight of the heavy shawl wrapped around her shoulders; she was always cold these days, even in the warm afternoon sun. ?I just do not see why I matter to anyone. Let them do what they want. I could really care less.?

They both frowned at her, but it was Ishmerai that addressed her, ?Mira, we need you to take this seriously.? She looked away from him. He hated to do this, but he had to say it; ?Remember the last warning your grandmother gave you.?

It was hard to forget.

?You should have been with us at the Spring Court. You know how important it is,? her grandmother remarked with displeasure.

She kicked her feet, her legs draped over the arm of the chair she was sitting in. It was just the two of them speaking; otherwise her grandmother would never let her get away with such casual, un-courtly behavior. ?Boring, you mean. You know what my priorities are. If there is a lead, I must follow it.?

?I do understand, but I also want you to acknowledge that as heir, you have other priorities that you need to consider as well. By not being at Court, you put yourself and your position in danger.?

She made a face, disbelieving, ?From who??

?You are not in everyone?s favor, my dear, despite what you may think.? Her granddaughter just rolled her eyes. ?Muirenn, for one.? Her granddaughter made another face. ?Do not underestimate the danger Muirenn can pose to you, dear. She was very busy while we were away.?

?Pokey Muirenn??

?I heard many at court found her quite charming when not over-shadowed by your brilliance,? it was part mocking part compliment. ?I only heard whispers, as I was busy in some councils, so I do not know what she was about, but be sure, she has an agenda.?

?Yes yes, I am sure she does. As do I. As do you!?

?This is not a matter to be taken lightly,? she said disapprovingly.

?Yes, grandmother. I will be sure to keep a more careful eye upon her. And next year, I promise not to miss the Spring Court.?

Later, Ishmerai issued a similar warning when she told him what her grandmother had said. ?Perhaps she is right. Maybe you should look in to what Muirenn is doing. I am sure she does not act alone.?

?Psh, not you too. Come, Merai, we both know Muirenn. She may be ambitious, but she is not too smart. Without my aunt to pull her strings, she may dream all she wants, but she is not going anywhere.?

?Perhaps. I have seen such deceptions played out before though in my home court.?

?She cannot come after me overtly, Merai. I am too powerful on my own, and I have you.?

?What about subvertly??

?Again, she?s just not bright enough. And I have ensured that I am well loved here. Who can touch me? Who would dare??

?Well, I suppose you understand these situations better than me. At least I hope you do. But still, be careful. The Fae may love you, but what about the nobility?? Both she and Ishmerai knew she was not as well loved amongst the nobility as she claimed. They tolerated her, made love to her and paid court to her because she was powerful, but she was not beloved by them.

?Talk. That?s all they are. There is not a single backbone between the lot of them.?

?Do whatever you want,? she said to them, looking away with a scowl.

Ishmerai sighed before addressing Lady Nerissa again, ?I just do not believe that they are satisfied with the decision at the Autumn Court. Muirenn may be heir now, but everyone knows who the true heir is, and Mira will most likely always have the love of the Fae. I would not put it past Muirenn and whoever may be backing her to still attempt something.?

?I agree. Perhaps it is best that Mira be taken away somewhere then. It may also do her some good.?

?I thought the same, but where??

?One of the mountain villas perhaps? Or maybe even Earth again. There really is no sense living out her sentence here?not like this.?

?Hmm. Perhaps we can go...?

Kasimira had not even heard what her guardian had said; instead, her mind was filling with the white noise of her own screams. Over and over again she heard it. If she could just get away from that noise. Lose herself somewhere where it could not reach her. ?I want to go back to RhyDin,? she stated, heedless of what part of the conversation or what plan-making she had interrupted, surprising even herself with the words.

There was a general pause and a look shared between the other two at the table. ?RhyDin, darling? But it has been possibly hundreds of years since you left.? Her grandmother said kindly, treating her as delicately as everyone had been lately. They didn?t want Kasimira to lose her head, after all. Even in a weakened state, who knew what sort of damage she could do. Ishmerai just sat back in his chair, silently observing her.

Hundreds of years. It was true. RhyDin was just a distant memory for her now, tucked safely in the recesses of her mind: held on a pedestal but rarely ever touched upon. She had tried so hard to bury it away where it could not hurt her, could not tempt her. So why did it call to her now, her mind offering it as the only possible balm for her tortured soul. There was the fleeting image from a dream?Amanda, beckoning to her?but her mind could not quite latch on to it. ?It would be better than here, I thought.?

?But dear, we have no connections there. At least on Earth...?

?No. Not Earth. Not again.? The memories. She had enjoyed Earth in many ways, but to return there, a shadow of what she was, had been, was not an option. Earth had been a distraction, a place she had inhabited for a while as she bided her time, waiting. Earth had not been home. It was not a sanctuary to run to in her distress.

Her grandmother pressed her lips together firmly. ?I am just not sure it will be entirely safe. I do not know much of the place, except what you have told me, but we have no presence there.?

That was the point, but Kasimira didn?t say so out loud. She wanted to get away from Faerie and from the hold it had upon her. ?Other families do. Besides, I will have Ishmerai there to protect me.? She turned a pleading gaze to him, so different from the scowl she had worn almost every day since the ceremony had taken place. ?Take me away from here,? her expression pleaded.

?Even with Ishmerai...?

He got the message and sat up straighter, clearing his throat. ?Pardon me, M?lady, but I believe you should allow her to go. We can keep the destination a secret. No one will ever know. In fact, it may be much safer than Earth as she was easily found there last time; many of the exiles would still recognize her. Earth is well within Muirenn?s reach.?

Her grandmother clearly thought about it for a minute before conceding. ?Well, I suppose if you oversee the affair, Ishmerai, nothing much will go wrong.? Meaning if her granddaughter was overseeing it, who knew what a disaster it could be.

Kasimira was pacified, tuning out the rest of the conversation. A spark took seed within her?a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness she had found herself in: endless, cloying, suffocating.

Later that same day, when they were alone, Ishmerai sat by her bedside, knowing sleep would escape her yet again. He picked up the earlier line of inquiry, ?Why RhyDin? Why not just some exclusive villa overlooking the sea? Or a private island somewhere??

She stared blankly up at the ceiling and he sighed, assuming she was going to be as silent and secretive as she had been for weeks now, hiding herself away from everyone and refusing to talk about the hurt. He was surprised therefore when she began talking, her voice tired and weak, not the voice of the confident lady he had met years ago. ?When they,? she paused, swallowing the lump in her throat, trying to swallow the words that followed, ?when they performed the ceremony, Merai, I think they took something else from me, something much deeper. I have lost something so deep, so necessary to my being, that I am adrift without it. I am no longer me. And it hurts, Merai, it hurts so badly.? She closed her eyes tight, willing it away, this truth she had just shared.

?And you think you will find this something...this missing part of you, in RhyDin??

She opened her eyes but looked away from him. ?No.? Before he could ask again, though, she looked at him, the pain she hid swimming right to the surface of her eyes. ?But don?t you see, Merai? I hate it here. I have lost everything for this family. I am nothing here. They have taken everything from me. My past, my children, my...? she couldn?t even say it, ?everything. Gone. I have nothing now. I am nothing.?

?But you are the true heir; that is not lost.?

She slammed her fists onto the bed, ?And I never wanted to be!?

They stared at each other a moment, a battle of wills. Even defeated, she always won. ?Fine. So we will leave Faerie. But why RhyDin? Why not to Earth or somewhere new? Your grandmother was right about time probably having passed. What could possibly be there for you now??

That was a fear inside her?so much time having passed that everything she knew and once loved would be gone. Or perhaps RhyDin would prove itself timeless, eternal and enduring. Instead, she would be the one that was gone, changed and altered beyond recognition. ?Maybe there will still be something there for me. Something I can find of myself and still save. Something taken from me that maybe, just maybe, I can get back again.?

I walk the fields through the fire,
Taking steps until I found solid ground
Followed dreams reaching higher
Couldn't survive the fall
Much has changed since the last time
And I feel a little less certain now
You know I jumped at the first sign
Tell me only if it's real
Memories seem to fade
On and on it goes
Wash my view away
--Avenged Sevenfold; Buried Alive

They stepped out of the natural circle of rocks and found themselves in the middle of the woods. They had left the winter of Faerie far behind and found the warmth of spring instead. ?Oh dear, I was afraid that might happen.?

?What might happen?? He said gazing about, a large travel trunk at his feet. ?This is not how you described it at all.?

?That is because I have gone and landed us in the woods.? She turned about in a full circle. ?Now which way... I have always been so lousy at crossing over.?

He sighed as she mumbled to herself, turning this way and that. ?Perhaps if one of us were to climb a tree??

?Excellent!? She exclaimed, moving towards the nearest one when his hand on her shoulder stopped her.

?Allow me.?

?But you will not know what to look for.?

?I imagine it will not be difficult to discern. You said it looks like a human city and should be the only one for miles around.?

?Well yes...unless things have changed.? A worried expression replaced the excited one of earlier.

?I am sure things will be quite the same. Do not worry so.?

She nodded mutely as he took hold of a low branch of a nearby tree and pulled himself up quickly, effortlessly, scurrying higher as if he weighed no more than the were-squirrels that inhabited these woods. As soon as he was out of sight, she looked about nervously, twirling a piece of her silvery-gray hair. By the length of the shadows and the dappled sun just warming her face, she would say it was soon after dawn. The larger predators would be asleep by now, and if something were to come upon her, Ishmerai was just a quick shout away. Nothing to worry about. She closed her eyes tightly. Nothing to worry about. Now if she could just regulate her breathing and slow down her racing heart.

Ishmerai landed softly as a fallen leaf upon the ground, yet she still jumped, turning with alarmed eyes towards him, her hand out as if to summon some sort of protection. She relaxed her stance quickly, though, embarrassed. What did she think she was going to do anyways? Slap away the predator?

He just frowned at her; it was impossible for him not to notice her behavior even though he did not comment on it. ?There is a city just north of here with a river running through the middle and the sea to the west. The morning breeze brought the stink of iron with it.?

?Oh, that?s it! Wonderful. Do you think you can manage the trunk all the way?? Her more serious concerns drifted away with the smell of iron on the breeze.

?Surely,? he gestured forward. ?If you will be so kind as to lead the way.?

She smiled before directing her steps northward. There was a lightness to her gait that had been missing for some time. She had even been taking an interest in some of the planning of this trip over the last several weeks, quite a difference from before. He hoisted the trunk up and followed after her.

At first, she kept up a breezy, one-sided conversation about all the things he could look forward to. ?There?s this cake shop that makes delicious cream puffs.?

?You will have to try bagels. They are these round things with holes in the middle...?

?I think you will enjoy the dueling sports. You would be splendid at the non-weapons one.?

?That part of the city is nice enough during the day, but it can be quite beastly as night comes on.?

As they got closer to the city, however, her chatter and comments became more infrequent until they died away completely. Her pace slackened too, almost becoming reluctant, and he wondered at the change.

But once they entered the city, she barely stopped a moment to allow herself to get her bearings or for him to catch his breath. She ushered him along, street after street, without answering a single question, moving with urgency. She was thankful it was still early and the city was still asleep. She let her feet guide them, her mind existing in a dream. Places familiar but not, as if they were all something she had imagined once, floated by. The deeper they went into the city, the greater a feeling of dread developed inside her.

By the time they reached the hotel, Ishmerai was exhausted and completely bewildered by both the strange things he had just seen and his lady. She was continually glancing around and urging him along, practically racing to the desk in the hotel lobby.

He didn?t even have time to marvel at the hotel, so different from the inns at home, before he was stuffed into a small metal box with his lady and another man who had taken control of the trunk from him. The box made him ill even before it shot upwards, depositing all of them on another floor where the young man?a human, he realized belatedly?led them to an ornate door, opened it, placed the trunk inside and bid them good-day.

Kasimira practically shoved Ishmerai aside, locking the door behind them before breathing a deep sigh of relief. Then she was pushing past him, examining their lodgings. They were standing in a small living area with a breakfast table. She pulled open a set of curtains, revealing a small balcony, before she drew them quickly again, plunging them back into semi-darkness. Ishmerai continued to stand by the door and trunk, watching her as she examined two bedrooms and a bath in the same manner before stopping in front of him. ?Yes, this should do nicely. Don?t you think??

He simply nodded, unsure of what to think at all.

Can't wake up in sweat
'Cause it ain't over yet
Still dancing with your demons
(Victim of your own creation)
Beyond the will to fight
Where all that's wrong is right
Where hate don't need a reason
(Loathing self-assassination)
--Avenged Sevenfold; Nightmare

And then later, after night had descended upon the city, she woke with a startled cry, ?Merai?? She called out for him in the dark.

?Right here,? he stepped out of the shadows of the room and into a ray of moonlight, cast through the partially opened curtains, in order that she could see him.

She let her head fall back onto her pillow once she was reassured of his presence, her hand limply pushing her silvery-gray hair, damp with perspiration, off her forehead. ?Do you suppose that at a certain age one outgrows nightmares??

?Unfortunately, I do not believe so. Would you like some water?? He was already at the table, pouring some into a glass for her; he didn?t even need to see her nod. He returned to the bedside, handing the cool glass off to her before taking a seat on the side chair that she had moved from the desk to besides the bed upon checking in at the hotel. She had merely smiled a little when he had caught her doing so at the time. ?Well...you know,? she had said then, and the problem was that he did know. This had become their routine by now on the nights when she bothered to attempt sleep.

?Would you like to talk about it??

?No.? She never did. Not after those first few days when she had cried?something she had not done since being in Faerie?actually sobbed hysterically, curled up in his arms, night after night. They thought it would help her come to terms with it and move on. It hadn?t. And when that hadn?t worked, she just holed up, refusing to talk about it at all.

Why talk about it? Why make it all more real than it already was? Whenever she closed her eyes she saw it. Felt it. Hands tied with rope to either side. A simple white shift covering her body. Footsteps behind her. Someone?s hand resting on her head, fingers on her forehead. The touch was warm at first, so very warm that she began to sweat; then it was colder and colder until it seeped into her very bones?a frost taking root deep inside. And then she screamed.

?We can still go home, you know. I will protect you. Nothing shall harm you,? he spoke so softly to her then, with love and devotion, this man with hands that ran red with blood.

?There?s no going back.?

?Then what are we doing here?? The question he had asked her earlier, had asked her many times since they arrived.

?Merai, I have to try something.?

I've returned and no one's waiting.
I strain my eyes to see but it's so hard to read the old tags on the fallen walls.
--AFI; Weathered Tome

Ishmerai whipped back to curtains in one of the hotel?s bedrooms, flooding the room in light. The sole occupant of the bed growled and spit like a cat at him, pulling the blankets up over her head. ?Oh no,? he exclaimed, yanking the sheets back down. ?Up. Now.?

?Mmmmr,? she replied, covering her head with a pillow this time. When that too was torn from her grasp, though not without a fight, all she had were her arms for protection and a terrible whiney voice, ?Isssshhhmmeeerrraaai!?

?I do not want to hear it. Yes, things have been rather difficult for you lately, but you cannot hide away from it forever.?

?Sure I can,? she grumped in return.

?Now come on. I even drew a bath for you.?

She hmph?d at him, ?Don?t like water, and I don?t want to go out there. People might recognize me.?

?Fool. You are wrapped in so much glamour you are lucky that I recognize you. Now get up!?

She groaned dramatically, stepping out of bed. ?But wha-hy??

?Because you are giving me a tour of this city today. We cannot stay locked in this room any longer.? She opened her mouth to protest, but he held his hand up, forestalling any words. ?You know we need to find out when we are, how much time has passed. You need to know this, Mira, if you ever want to move on. So we will start out slow, and you will give me a tour of the city.?

She stomped her foot, but she didn?t have a single valid argument to use against him. ?Fine! But I will not enjoy it,? she stated, heading towards the bathroom.

?I would not dream of asking you to.?

They were on the street outside the hotel two hours later. For someone who claimed to hate water as much as she did, she still spent a ridiculous amount of time bathing.

?I look appropriate as I am?? He watched people pass by, looking at his own attire in comparison. His outfit was quite typical for him: leather vest with a light shirt beneath; loose, dark pants; soft leather boots.

?Yes dear, you look fantastic,? she replied, twirling her parasol. She knew he did not ask out of any sense of fashion vanity. Ishmerai wanted to blend in wherever he went; the silent shadow protected her best. She was more concerned with her own dress?fashioned from ginormous white and yellow rose petals and covered with a thick shawl. She was always cold. The city had forced her to act more alive, to care about her appearance once more, at least for the day. She did not know how she felt about that, but she could not stop it either. Ishmerai knew how he felt: a sense of relief at seeing her take so much time and consideration about her appearance. She had even plaited her hair today.

?All right,? he nodded. ?Then lead the way,? he gestured ahead of him.

?Oh no,? she smirked, striding up to his side and clasping the crook of his arm with her own. ?We shall walk side by side here, Merai. Equals in this city that bends all the rules.?

He later realized the real reason for their walking arrangement: she needed him physically, her own strength and stamina apparently insufficient for the day?s activity; she had truly become a shadow of her former self. She also needed his strength to lean upon as she encountered her past. Many happy memories lurked around the corners and in the buildings of the city, but there were sad and painful ones to match. She did not tell him the stories behind them as they walked up and down the streets together, but he could see the history in her eyes and facial expressions.

?This place is a bewildering maze,? he remarked at one point.

?It is,? she agreed, ?and even though it doesn?t seem like it has been horribly long here, much has still changed.? Regardless, her feet remembered the way around well enough?even if her memories remained foggy, images out of the past?and he saw many places that he knew must hold some significance to her.

They wandered down by the docks, but she did not gravitate towards any particular ship and only briefly pointed out a bar where sailors liked to hang out. A cake shop. A building where a dojo used to stand. It had her name on it now, and that made her frown for some reason. There was a restaurant by the water front that she said she once owned, and a clothing store in a more affluent neighborhood that she liked to shop at but passed by quickly.

?I am worried that I might see myself go running by,? she admitted as they walked back towards the hotel as the light faded. There were many things he had not seen that day?a sanctuary, a clubhouse, her old house?but did not mention.

?Would that be so terrible??

She paused for a moment, staring at an outdoor cafe. He was not sure if the cafe itself held some memory or if she was just thinking. They continued moving before she spoke again, ?Perhaps. But perhaps I would not even know that girl if I saw her now.?

They passed the gates of the cemetery soon after. He looked at her, questioning if she wanted to go in. There was a morbid curiosity inside her. Was there a stone for her, standing there in memorial to a woman that was truly dead? A memorial to her past life and the person she had once been? There was something keeping her back, the darkening sky making her feel reluctant, nervous even, despite Ishmerai being at her side. Events had happened in that cemetery. She could not remember the details of them, just the lingering feeling of dread they left behind. She tugged on Merai?s arm, pulling him away. ?Not yet.? He only nodded.

You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
--Avenged Sevenfold; Nightmare

Later that night, when she finally wandered into Dream, with the aid of several glasses of wine to calm her nerves, she dreamed her dreaded nightmare in full.

Their ship was pulling in to the quay as she stood at the railing, waving to the entourage her grandmother had sent to meet her. ?We are here!? she shouted, waiting impatiently for the ship to be anchored and the plank lowered. She was the first one off, leaving Ishmerai behind to deal with any work that needed to be done.

?M?lady, welcome home.?

?Do you have any good news??

?Have you found an artist??

?How was your trip??

The questions were fired one after another, and Jewell failed to notice the nervous gestures and glances of a few, blinded by the good will of friends. ?We did not find an artist, but I am in high spirits! We heard promising news. With the right training, we just may have found the one at last.?

Before she could truly start her tale, two guards cut through the group surrounding her. They were not of the House of Ta-Neer?the livery of which Jewell wore at times and the guards whose names she knew every one?nor were they from the lesser houses in the area that did business on the docks. They wore the insignia of the High Queen, a man off to the side bearing her standard. ?Are you the Lady Jewell, Heir to the House of Ta-Neer??

She nudged her friends aside, stepping forward. ?I am.?

?My lady, you are under arrest.? Two more guards appeared from the side, grabbing her arms and forcing them behind her to be bound.

?This is absurd! What are the charges??

She could hear one of the house servants running up the plank, shouting for Ishmerai, as another guard spoke, ?The charge is treason for the murders of Antipholus, Steward of the House of Ta-Neer, and Lady Conventina, Queen of the House of Ta-Neer.?

They had taken her to the high court directly; there was nothing her grandmother could do. Jewell had arrived back in the Lands just in time for the High Spring Court?as promised to her grandmother the previous year?where she would now be tried rather than play the part of courtesan and heir. She became cold and aloof once the charges were initially read, and remained so once she arrived at the High Court. She allowed Ishmerai to act as indignant as he wanted for her.

?Is this how the heir to the Ta-Neer family is to be treated? She is in a common cell! She is no commoner.?

?You may take your argument to Lord Cenric; he is in charge of the lady?s case,? he was informed.

Apparently, Lord Cenric was not receptive to Ishmerai?s arguments. Jewell reassured her Knight, ?I do not mind, Merai. They will treat me as they like.?

?You are greater than this. You deserve to be treated as such.?

She had merely shrugged. ?I have become a piece in someone?s game. Do me a favor and find out whose as I am a little busy at the moment,? and she laughed as she lay upon the bare cot in her cell, her head hanging over the side and her hair (it was still blue then) pooling on the floor.

He had been happy to see her in such good spirits, but he could not share in her optimism. He did not think she was taking the situation as seriously as she should. He began to snoop around, acting as a chameleon amidst the courtiers and queens, countesses and lords, even the servants. So many of the nobles talked openly before their fae underlings. The more he snooped, the more details he discovered, the more he knew she was absolutely not taking the situation as seriously as she needed to.

?It goes much deeper than Muirenn, I am afraid. Obviously your uncle Llyr is partially behind this, but Muirenn has also planted a seed of fear in many that you cannot be trusted, that they will be next in line during your grab for power.?

She snorted in response, ?Ah yes?I am so very power hungry.?

He ignored the comment, ?They are also making much of your past: An upstart from unknown parts; who even knows if she?s even of pure blood??

She scowled at that; ?Oh let them talk.?

?But their talk can hurt you,? he insisted.

?Only if I let it.?

The trial was a sham, a circus show set up before all those present for the Spring Court that year. It was the best entertainment that the court had had in years, it was said.

?And do you deny the murder of Antipholus, Steward of the House of Ta-Neer under your aunt, Lady Conventina, which was witnessed by hundreds, some who stand before us today.?

?I do not.?

?But you continue to maintain that Antipholus was treasonous, plotting to have you murdered??

?Attempting to have me murdered,? she corrected, ?three times.?

?Attempting, yes, despite the lack of evidence.?

?The evidence?an unseelie fae?was a prisoner of the Ta-Neer House who gave testimony before hundreds, many of whom, as you remarked, stand here today.?

?Where is this prisoner now??

?Conveniently sentenced to death by Conventina.?

?You say by Conventina, but you really mean yourself, do you not? To cover up your unfounded accusations and therefore cold-blooded murder of the Steward.?

?No.? Not once did she let her emotions get the better of her, speaking matter-of-factly when necessary. ?I was not present in Faerie when the prisoner was killed. I was exiled at that time.?

?Yet, as the court has heard, even in your exile you commanded power and control in Faerie, as can be seen by your uncalled for return and the events that followed.?

She remained silent. She was becoming too angry, insolent, but such emotions would not help her now.

?And what of your involvement with the untimely death of the Lady Conventina? Is it true that you were involved in her demise indirectly??

?Directly,? she clarified.

?Pardon me??

?I was involved in her death directly. I personally took Conventina?s life.?

There was an uproar in the court at this bold declaration, a confirmation of what everyone had heard only in rumors. It took several minutes to regain control of the crowd. ?What is your defense for such a treasonous action??

?While I was in exile, my aunt went on a megalomaniac spree. I am sure you are all aware of this. She waged uncalled for war with the unseelie court on our borders and set in place harsh measures of control and persecution upon her own people, causing many of them to flee into self-induced exile. It was therefore requested of me to put an end to the deteriorating situation, which I gladly did.?

Another ripple of astonishment went through the crowd. ?Who made such a request that you felt you could defy the rules of these lands and your duties to your liege-lady??

?The Council for Preternatural Activities.?

The room went out of control yet again, and Jewell took secret pleasure in the spectacle she was part of.

?Silence! SILENCE!? The councilman glared at Jewell, ?This council does not recognize the authority of the Council for Preternatural Activities in Faerie.?

Jewell had known the CPA had no sway in Faerie when she worked with its agents on Earth. She had known those in Faerie completely disregarded the CPA?s edicts and decrees when one of the agents had approached her, making the unusual request to ?take care? of the situation regarding her aunt, Lady Conventina. In court, she offered in her own defense the reasons that the CPA agent had used in persuading her that the job needed to be done. It was to no avail. Neither was the line of brave souls who stepped forward to testify in her behalf, risking the displeasure of the High Court.

All the evidence having been heard, including precise descriptions of how Jewell had committed the supposed murders?she was extremely proud of how she had dispatched of her aunt?the sentence would be decided and proclaimed the following day.

That night, knowing her loyal knight stood outside her prison cell, she could not help but take comfort in his presence and conversation. ?Merai, do you really think what I did was wrong?? Her whisper came cutting through the night.

?Of course not. You only ever do what you feel you must.?

?Merai, what do you think they will do with me??

?Perhaps they will make you a hero.?

She laughed. ?Perhaps I can have a statue in my likeness dedicated to me.?

?It would only be fitting,? he had replied.

And then, more seriously, she asked, ?You think it will be exile, don?t you??

?It seems like it,? he answered frankly; he did not lie to her.

The idea of exile did not scare her. There was actually something pleasing about the idea of escaping Faerie, except for when she thought of the children. She knew there was a way around that problem though; she just had not thought of it yet. All in due time, though. While Merai whispered tales of his childhood to her through the barred door?stories she had heard many times before?she found sleep was not too hard to come by.

The following day, as she stood before crowd and council once more, there was no sensationalism. An eerie quiet fell over those assembled when the council read out their decision: ?For the wanton abuse of power and disgusting acts of treason committed through the murders of Antipholus, Steward of the House of Ta-Neer, and Conventina, Queen of the House of Ta-Neer, you, Jewell Ta-Neer, heir of the House of Ta-Neer shall have your magical abilities placed under bindings to prevent any further abuses in the future.?

Jewell stood deadly still, even when they dismissed the court. She did not move of her own accord, even when the guards came to escort her back to her cell. She did not hear the reaction of the crowd, which was a mix of dismay and triumph. The words of her sentence were bouncing around inside her skull as she tried to understand them, tried to understand this completely unexpected turn of events.

That evening, when Ishmerai was finally allowed to see her, he found her punching the stone walls of her cell repeatedly. He stood inside the door, watching as she finally broke her right hand before switching to the left to continue her abuse of that appendage until it too was broken.

Only then did she look at him, and what she said took him by surprise; ?I am so sorry, Merai.?

He frowned. ?Whatever for?? he asked as he stepped inside, guiding her with a hand on her shoulder to sit on the cot; he kneeled before her as she cradled her broken hands in her lap.

?You told me to watch myself, to be more careful, but I did not listen. I have been a horrid liege-lady to you. I have made your job impossible.?

He just tsk?d. ?That does not matter.?

?No, not now I suppose.?

They were silent as he examined her hands, her eyes staring blankly off to the side. He didn?t like that she barely responded to the pain she must be feeling, even when he purposely pushed on the break.

?There will not be an appeal?? she asked, still staring.

?No. The decision is final.?

?And what will they take from me, Merai??

?Your glamour they will not touch, cannot touch perhaps. But I am afraid they will bind your ability to manipulate raw energy and your tie to water. They did not like what you did to Conventina.? She nodded numbly in response before he continued, ?I am going to get a healer to take care of your hands.?

?If you want.?

?I do.?

That night she lay on her back with her hands bandaged but already well on their way to being healed. It was late in the night, but she knew he too would be awake. Her voice sounded so small, so young, when it reached him outside her door. ?Merai, do you think it will hurt much??

?Physically? No. It shouldn?t,? he replied, knowing that neither of them had been worried about that anyways.

?I did not think so,? she whispered, understanding exactly what neither of them had said: she was never afraid of physical pain.

She did not sleep at all the night before the ceremony. Her mind would not let her, torturing her with racing thoughts instead. Everything she had already lost, everything she was about to lose, all whirled around in her head. Why was this happening to her? She had given up everything she ever had, everything she wanted and could have, to serve the family. She had done what had been requested and demanded of her, gone above and beyond in serving her post. But she had not been careful enough. She had made enemies. They envied her power?both physical and political?and the allure that drew people to her. It was something she did effortlessly and did not try to hide. Why hide it? She had even reveled in her displays of power at times, the ability to do what she wanted when she wanted without consequences.

Everything had caught up to her now. It seemed Conventina would get the last laugh in the end.

In the morning?she could not see the sunrise but she felt it?two guards came for her. Ishmerai was there as well, of course. There was nowhere else he would be. Suddenly, there was a fear inside of her that they were leading her off to her death. She was not ready to die. Had she ever told Ishmerai how much he had meant to her all these years, at her side through all her searching and every adventure or mishap? Had she told her grandmother that she truly did love her? That she was the only mother she had ever known?

There was no time for those words now. As they lead her out of her cell, she held her head high and offered a fleeting smile to Ishmerai. It would have to do now for all the words she had not said.

The guards marched at her side, Ishmerai just steps behind her, down a cold stone corridor. It was Ishmerai?s presence that gave her strength. He would not allow them to kill her. He would save her if anything went wrong. He had promised with his blood to do so.

That hope competed with the building dread in her stomach as she was escorted into the ceremony chamber. There were many people there to witness her sentence being carried out, her humiliation. She was tempted to scowl, feeling disgust at the ghoulishness of it all, the pleasure many were seeking from this cruelty. She caught her cousin?s eye? Muirenn was standing in the front of the crowd, gloating?and gave her a cruel smile. Muirenn?s smile faltered and she shifted nervously. Her cousin was right to be nervous, Jewell thought. They should all fear her revenge for what they had done, what they were doing.

She was made to stand before the council and hear her sentence read out loud once more. Then, Lord Cenric allowed her to speak any petitions for mercy she may have. She thought for a moment before meeting his eyes with that cruel smile turning up her lips, ?Whatever you bring upon me now, I shall bring upon you ten-fold in the time to come.? The general gasp that followed was satisfying at least.

?We shall see,? the head councilman replied, one of the few not perturbed by her threats.

Then she was lead to the stone circle and made to kneel. The hard stone was icy, biting at her bare knees. They tied rope tightly around her wrists, the action causing a sudden panic to quickly rise within her. She had always hated being restrained in any way. She pulled on the ropes a little, but they did not give. Her eyes sought Ishmerai in the crowd; she needed him now. He needed to stop this; he could not allow them to go through with this. All her bravado was gone. Where was Ishmerai? She could not find him. Then it was too late. She could not see her executioner, but she felt his hand on her head. It was so hot. She felt her skin burning under his touch. Her whole body broke out in a cold sweat, her breathes coming in panicky gasps.

Then there was ice. It pierced her chest. It sank deep within her, spreading a chill to the very tips of her fingers. That was when she started screaming, struggling uselessly at the ropes. She had no concept of how long the ceremony lasted or how long she screamed. The pain became the only emotion she had ever experienced, filling her entire being. She was certain that they were killing her, hoping they were killing her because then the pain would stop. And why was Ishmerai not stopping them? ?They have killed me, Ishmerai,? was her only coherent thought before she thankfully blacked out.

The following days were a haze. The pain never fully went away. They had bound her magic, but it felt like they had torn out everything inside of her, leaving her completely empty. The water would not respond to her touch. The bright light of energy could not be summoned to her hand. Her senses felt dull. She had been blinded. She could not speak. She could not feel beyond a spreading numbness and the crippling pain. Ishmerai held her as she cried and cried?she could not even control her tears now.

Welcome the whole new pain and take comfort in what you've become.
I waved as I passed myself along the way.
I have arrived so unashamed but my reflection no longer seems the same.
It seems much dimmer now... it seems so dim.
Just stumble and fall into a world that's over crowded.
And you will find me. Won't recognize me; and I won't recognize myself.
--AFI; Exsanguination

It was only with Ishmerai?s prompting, pleading, and finally bullying that she got ready to go to the mecca of RhyDin: the Red Dragon Inn. It had been over two weeks since they had arrived in the city, and while she had given him an official tour, had even been to the cemetery, she had refused to go to the Inn. He was becoming increasingly aggravated and worried for her. She sat and brooded all day, rejecting all of his suggestions for outings. He thought they had made progress at the cemetery but apparently not.

?If this is how you are going to be, then why are we still here? Why not just go back to Faerie and let Muirenn and her ilk do you in just as they want to, just as you apparently want them to??

That did not seem to faze her at all. She had simply ignored him. Then it was: ?Kasimira Ta-Neer, I refuse to sit here and watch you waste away to nothing. If that is your plan, then leave me out of it. If you want to let your troubles consume you so badly, then I will leave you to them.? He had even headed towards the door in his frustration.

That was the comment that got her moving around the room, going through the closet of dresses she had brought with her. It was the first time he had ever seriously threatened to leave her, and the threat of it was enough to make her move.

?Are you ready to fight back?? He asked hopefully.

?No. But I will continue to live just to please you and spite anyone who wants me dead.?

Kasimira proceeded to spend the entire day getting prepared. She spent an exorbitant amount of time bathing, and her chosen dress made of forget-me-nots was lying on the bed. However, she was currently absorbed in staring at herself, unrobed as she was, in a full-length mirror. She frowned at what she saw but found it fitting all the same: her internal wasting away was reflected on her physicality. She could easily count her ribs now, and her elbows and knees had all become sharp protruding angles. There had been a time when she had been fuller, even a little curvy. Then she had preferred thin and fit, her graceful frame toned with lean muscle. Now, even that was gone.

Flesh on her bones was not the only thing missing. She pressed her fingers roughly into her pale skin, forming little bruises where scars had once been. The draughts and magic of Faerie had perfected her, erasing not only her memories of the past but their physical presence as well. They had truly taken everything she was from her. Kasimira pressed hard on the inside of her calf; a bruise for where Alex had shot her. She dug her pointer finger along her lower abdomen; a line for when Moradin was born. Three jabs she gave to each of her lower arms; scars for Skyler that were long gone. She continued in this way for some time, pleased with the grotesque vision she presented in the mirror when she was done: the bruises across her body matched the ones under her eyes from lack of sleep, and they all reflected the hurt inside.

She pulled her dress and a sweater over the mess she had made of her body in order to conceal it. Later, she played with her hair, styling it in countless ways before she just let it fall in a silvery-gray wave down her back. Finally, she adjusted her glamour until she was satisfied with the results?it was her but a different her. ?No one will recognize you like that,? Ishmerai commented upon coming into the room and looking over her shoulder at her reflection in the mirror.

?That?s the point,? she responded sharply.

?But what if your friends and family are still around? Even they will not recognize you like this.?

She shook her head. ?It is not that easy, Merai. To them, I am truly dead. You saw the tombstone. I cannot just be here suddenly and expect to pick back up where I left off.?

?You keep saying that, but I do not understand. Why can you not pick up where you left off? They are your family; I am sure they will welcome you back.?

She slammed her hairbrush down on the vanity. ?Because it is not what I want! That girl is dead. I cannot just take back the last several hundred years and be her again. She is gone. If I want to be something here, be someone again, it will be someone different. It has to be because I am different.?

He just nodded, leaning over to kiss the top of her head before leaving the room. It would do no good arguing with her, trying to show her that it didn?t have to be like this, that maybe she wasn?t really that different even after all these years.

While they ate dinner?or while he ate and she made a pathetic show of pretending to eat?he plied her with questions to try and keep up her spirits. ?And why is this place called the Red Dragon Inn? Are there many red dragons in these parts still??

?Not that I know of. At least there weren?t any when I was here last. The name comes from the head of a dragon mounted on the wall in the Inn.?

?And why do you go there for information? To find out about your family and friends? There are many other bars in this city from what I saw.?

?There are, but the Dragon is where my entire life in this city has happened. It is where anyone who is anyone will be. It is where everything started for me, so if there is something left for me to find in RhyDin, it will be at the Inn.?

?Will you allow me to accompany you inside??

?No, Merai. I think this is something I must do alone.?

I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle
Everyday another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty
--AFI; ...But Home Is Nowhere

Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel.

April 18?

I am so confused. My mind is in complete tumult. Why can I not find my footing? There was a time when I was confidence itself or at least appeared to be. People said it oozed from my very pores.

I am a mess now. After the ceremony, I fell apart. They have taken me apart piece by piece until there is nothing left of me. I think I died. Can I admit it? I have wanted to die. I want these memories, these feelings, to go away. I simply cannot take the pressure anymore. It is suffocating my very soul.

But now, for a brief moment last night, there was a spark of something inside me.

Could I have what I once had? Do I even want that? Does it really exist or is it only the fantasy of a memory? If given the chance to be that girl again, would I take it? I simply do not know anymore.

There was a time, for many years after first going to Faerie, that I would have jumped at the chance for my old life back. It had been burnt to the ground, but surely I could be her again, couldn?t I? In my memories, that girl is so happy. So loved.

But I am not that girl. The years have changed me. At some point, I stopped yearning for what I once had and accepted what I had instead. I grew to accept it and to perhaps even love it in some way.

Now that is gone too. I have let it slip through my fingers. I have not fought for it; I have no energy to fight for it. No desire. But there is nothing to replace that now. No greater calling, desire... no destiny.

And then there I was again last night, standing in the very Inn that had given me life before. And Brian was standing there as if little time has passed. He said my name! I think my heart may have stopped. And then Alex. Alex. The memories are a blur, but I do remember the ache that never quite left my heart when I knew he was gone. But then he was standing there, with her. The sight of him, so much like Moradin, so much like Kerrick. It hurt.

When am I? How much time has passed for them? Am I just a distant memory? I wanted answers last night, and instead I am more lost than ever before.

The cosmos are playing a joke on me. Seeing them standing there, I thought for a moment that I had been brought back here before I had even left somehow. The years peeled away from me, and I was waiting for me?the old me?to come walking into the Inn to be with them. For a moment, I wanted so desperately to be that other girl, the one I was once. I could be amongst them again. I could be happy.

I cannot be her, though. She is gone. There is nothing left of her inside of me. I don?t belong anywhere it seems.

I thought I had returned here to truly die, to be with my loved ones once more even if it was only in death. But now I wonder. They mentioned a summons last night. Was that my dream with Amanda? I had it again. Were their voices haunting me, calling to me? Were they calling me back here?

Why?

What peace can there be for me here? Anywhere? What salvation can they offer me?

Hope unknown. Sometimes just waking is surreal.
I walk right through the nameless ones.
I know that hope's unknown.
Sometimes the water feels so real.
As I walk through it fills my lungs, my god, I'm drowning.
This day never seems to end.
This pain, never.
The rage I cannot let go.
--AFI; Totalimmortal

Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel.

April 29?

Ishmerai forced me to go out to the Inn tonight again. So many strange faces again. I feel lost in a sea of strangers.

I feel just plain lost.

I am standing outside a giant bubble, looking in on the lives of others. I am an observer, but I am not a participant. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be. I press my hands against the barrier but cannot get in.

I had a lovely conversation with two nice looking young men this evening. It was normal but not? I felt like I was playing some part that I am supposed to play or used to play rather than just being. I do not know how to be. It felt so easy for a few minutes to climb into that familiar skin: laugh, wink, smile, flirt. Play the coquet. Make them love you.

But I am still empty inside?drowning.

The ache refuses to go away. As do the screams. It takes so much concentration to hear anything past the noise.

I fell into yesterday
Our dreams seemed not far away
I want to, I want to, I want to stay
I fell into fantasy
--AFI; The Days of the Phoenix

Written on stationary from the RhyDin Imperial Hotel

May 6?

Saw Issy this evening. And Cor! It felt like some other time, like I was some other person.

For a moment, I deluded myself. I thought perhaps that not everything is lost. Perhaps it is just within my reach. All I need to do is reach out and grab hold of it.

I laughed and the weight on my chest suddenly did not seem so bad. The pain didn?t hurt quite so much. But it is only ever for a moment.

I so love to fool myself.

When the pain returned, it was worse than ever. I am taunting myself with what I once had.

Nothing lasts forever
For all good things it's true
I'd rather trade it all
While somehow saving you
It must have been the season
That threw us out of line
Once I stood so tall
Now I'm searching for a sign
--Avenged Sevenfold; Victim

When Ishmerai entered the bedroom to check on Kasimira, she was already gone for the day. He did a room-by-room search of the small hotel suite, but it did not yield his lady. He stood in the center of the main room, rubbing at the spot just over his eyebrows. She didn?t even leave a note to make his life easier. He gave her some credit, though; even diminished as she was, she was still incredibly stealthy. With a sigh, he put on a light jacket to ward off the slight morning chill and took off into the city in search of Kasimira.

The city was still unfamiliar to him, and he cursed her internally as he sometimes walked in circles in his search. There were hundreds of places she could be, many perhaps that she had not even showed him yet. He did not think her that cruel, though, so he only visited the places he knew of that were meaningful to her. The Inn was empty so early in the morning, as even the drunks had already headed home or passed out. He uncomfortably searched the graveyard, respectfully nodding to those mourning there but not finding the one he sought. He made the hike into the woods, but no one inhabited the derelict building she named a clubhouse; he left there quickly, swearing he could hear the insane laughter of ladies carried on the spring breeze.

Ishmerai finally came upon her, kneeling amongst wild uncut grass and weeds. Here and there pieces of brick and mortar could still be seen as well as structure beams. She appeared bowed in prayer, but Ishmerai knew that she did not have anyone to pray to. ?I would appreciate a note next time.? He couldn?t quite leave the frustration out of his voice; it had been tiring work tracking her around the city.

When she looked up at him, it was clear she had been crying. ?They call today mothers? day. A day for children to honor their mothers. But there is no one to honor me anymore, and I am not deserving of it anyways.? The tears flowed anew down her cheeks.

?Mira...?

?I thought, since I had failed them here...? she gestured uselessly to the blank land that used to be her home, the home of her family, ?that maybe...? She shook her head, wiping uselessly at her eyes, only managing to spread a bit of dirt across her cheek. Even she did not know what she had been thinking in coming here. The very ground was saturated with memories. It was overwhelming.

?You are still their mother, Mira.?

Her hands knotted in the grass surrounding her. ?But I do not even have their portraits here with me, Merai. They are so far away. So unreachable. How do I know they aren?t suffering? What if they?re in pain? They could need me, and I can?t hear their calls! What if they truly are dead, and I?m just sitting here...I am sitting here and they are gone.? She started ripping the grass out in large tufts, her movements spastic and uncontrollable. ?I am gone. I am not needed; I am not wanted... I cannot be anything.?

He sighed as her rambling became more incoherent, her breathing quickening as anxiety took over. Finally he knelt next to her and wrapped his arms about her. ?Do you remember when I met you?? He asked. She nodded against his shoulder. ?And do you remember what you told me when we first set out together?? She shook her head ?no?; everything, even more recent memories, was a blur in her mind.

So he reminded her of when they met, and the devotion he had felt for the woman who was so clearly devoted to her children:

They sat on the sand, their backs up against pieces of driftwood; the inky darkness around them was only illuminated by the fire amidst the semi-circle they created and the shining stars overhead. Those with the best eyesight could sometimes make out the signal of their ship, anchored away off shore. Ishmerai did not watch for the ship, though or look at the others that sat across from him and the lady at his side. The others were busy: laughing, joking, eating, and making plans. Kasimira?no, she was still Jewell then?sat beside him and meticulously wrapped her injured arm with a skilled hand.

?Do you require any assistance, M?lady??

She shook her head, the tip of her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated. Finally, when her arm was wrapped to her satisfaction, she turned her attention to Ishmerai. ?Thank you but the salve has worked wonders already, and I do have plenty of experience with such hurts.?

He merely nodded, trying to puzzle out the growing mystery that was his new liege-lady. They sat in silence some moments, her gaze fixated on the fire while his was on her, before he posed a question. ?Your men, they speak about the journey that lies ahead for you and the reason you are in my lands. Who is this artist that you seek??

She nodded slowly, digging her heels into the sand. ?The artist,? she said slowly, ?is not sought for who he or she is but for what they will hopefully be able to do for me.?

?Is it not a lot of trouble to go through for a mere court artist, M?lady?? He spoke deferentially, questioning her journey in confusion rather than criticism.

She smiled a little, ?It would certainly seem that way to most, Ishmerai. But the artist I seek is no mere court artist. I am looking for an artist with a particular skill set, one beyond the usual talents that even the greatest artists of Faerie have.? Her smile strengthened at his apparent confusion. ?Tell me, Ishmerai, have you ever seen anyone painted into a picture before??

He shook his head, ?No, M?lady. I have heard tell of such acts, but I have not seen them with my own eyes.?

?I have.? The fingers of her good hand curled into a fist, her nails surely biting into the palm of her hand. ?I am told that many artists have the potential for such a talent, but it belongs to the elite who have truly perfected it to use it.?

?And you would like to have this done to someone, M?lady? An enemy perhaps?? Not for the first time, he doubted his actions in swearing his life to this woman.

?No!? She said harshly and loudly enough for the others gathered to pause in their conversations, looking at her with concern. She waved them away, waiting until the hum of their speech granted her privacy with Ishmerai once more. ?No, Ishmerai. I do not think I would commit such an act even to get revenge on my greatest of enemies. It is cruel... too cruel.? She stared at the fire again. ?The person you love is always beyond your reach. They stare back at you unseeing, unhearing. The days grow long and the seasons pass for you, but your loved ones remain unchanged. Untouchable.? She looked solemnly to him. ?It is a very cruel fate, Ishmerai.?

?And this... this painting has been done to someone you care for??

?My aunt,? she spit the term out, ?the dear Lady Conventina, now sadly deceased, in her finest act of heartlessness, had my children stolen from me and painted into portraits in order that I would do her will and be at her command.? She nodded, smiling grimly at the look on his face. ?When I failed in fulfilling the terms of our agreement, which it later emerged would have meant my untimely death, she had the very talented artist that painted the portraits put to death.?

?M?lady, I...?

She held up her hand, forestalling any words of condolence or sympathy. ?So my sole duty in life, Ishmerai, is to find an artist capable of returning my children to me. This is who you have devoted yourself to; a woman bent on the restoring of her children at whatever cost. I have been assured that my children do not feel pain, that they do not know sorrow. I was told that they merely wait for me, dreaming beautiful dreams. But I have been lied to before, Ishmerai. That is why I will cross that desert,? she turned slightly pointing away off in the distance that neither of them could see, ?and risk the lives of my men and myself. Being heir to my family, being a capable leader... none of it matters to me unless it somehow serves my purpose, and my purpose is to see each and every one of their smiling faces before me, to feel their warm little arms around me, to have them live once again and devote my life to their happiness and well-being.?

?And you are sure that such an artist that is capable of rescuing your children lies beyond that desert yonder??

?Nope,? she shook her head, turning back to the fire once more. ?But it does not really matter if I am sure. If there is a rumor, I will follow it. I will follow it to my own ruin if need be.?

?Those were the words of a mother who loves her children more than anything, Mira. The words of a woman more than deserving of honor. The woman you are inside.?

His story calmed the broil of emotions inside her to a more controllable simmer, his voice soothing to her frazzled nerves. But she still rejected his reassurances; they could not save her from despair. ?All the love in the world has done me no good, Merai. The one thing that I need is power, and I have lost that, and in losing it, I am afraid I have lost them forever as well. And in losing them, I have lost myself.?

Help me find my way
I said help me find my way
No pulse inside of me
Stone cold lips and heresy
All lies into a degree
Losing who I wanna be
--Avenged Sevenfold; Save Me

Ishmerai waited somewhere outside the cemetery gates again only with many reassurances that Kasimira would not have a mental breakdown once inside. It had been clear that neither of them quite believed her, but he allowed her to enter on her own regardless.

They had spent all morning visiting flower shops, their search resulting in the bouquet of blue roses Mira had in her hand. She felt silly bringing flowers to her own grave, and Ishmerai had no qualms telling her how foolish it was seeing as how she was not actually dead, but there she was anyways. She always got her way, and today was no exception. As silly as it felt, she still desired to pay homage to that girl that was gone. She wanted to honor her in some way, hoping that perhaps it would give her some closure. Perhaps she?d be able to let her go and move on, become someone new instead of clinging to the past.

It wasn?t meant to be.

She stopped short of the gravestone because Brian Ravenlock was standing there. He was standing there talking to her. Not her but the dead her. The one that she didn?t think existed anymore. But then why was the man that was once her brother talking to her like she was real? Like he missed her. Like he somehow needed her. Did he? Her heart started pounding. The June sun felt abnormally hot beating down upon her. The woman that was always cold suddenly broke out in a sweat.

It was possible that she stopped breathing.

No longer completely in command of her own body or her own thoughts, Kasimira stumbled forward a step or two. The flowers fell forgotten to the ground. ?Brian?? She sounded desperate, his name a cry and plea for help. ?Brian Ravenlock... Do you know me??

"She's?I swear, Jewe?huh?" Brian turned to see someone, as his eyes widened in clear shock, as he rose to his feet. "Kasimira!? Do I--- know you?" The words hit him in a such a way... His eyes took the woman in, as he moved to her, his hands stretched out to help her steady herself more so. "Know you?"

"Kasimira, are you al---alright?" His voice lowered, as he looked to the woman once more, seeing something he had only up until now felt

She could not overcome the shock at finding him there. It was unexpected. It did not fit with the situation she had created in her mind: Jewell dead and forgotten; everyone moved on; no real hope to cling to. She grasped his offered hand like it was a lifeline, which it in fact was for her. "I.. no. Not Kasimira," she shook her head. Yes, it was the name she had taken for herself, but it was not who she was, at least not with Brian. She didn't give herself time to question her actions, to doubt what she was about to do. Instead, she just let her glamour fall to dust around her. In her place, Jewell Ravenlock stood in RhyDin once more as herself. The hair was still long and silvery-gray, but everything else belonged to the sister Brian once knew. She was worn down by time and the trials it had inflicted upon her, but she was still the same in many ways: eyes, nose, the shape of her lips, the curve of her ears. "No, you knew me by another name once."

The shift was felt before it was seen, which caused Brian to back up somewhat while keeping the woman steady. His eyes were still somewhat widened, and now even more so as the revelation before him sunk in with the impact of a hammer to the chest. His breath was stolen, in the most literal of ways, as the hands that held her trembled more so. A soft shake of his head as her voice took him once more to a time so long ago.

"J...." The letter said softly, more like a plea. Eyes of blue became blurred with a welling he had not felt in years. A pang, such a pang tore at him so very deeply, as he truly realized in his heart of hearts that this was no charade what so ever, that this woman he had literally talked of moments ago, and before then weeks ago to his own wife, was in fact someone he had missed so dearly every day for the last three years, and so much longer than that if one were to truly know. A woman he had given his life to so many years ago. "It's you isn't it? It's always been
you... You--- You're here, with me... Like I've wanted all this time... This isn't a dream, is it... Kasa--- Jewell... Jewell... Empress..."

The man known as Brian Ravenlock rarely lost his senses, yet, at that moment, he fell to his knees in a shudder as his arms wrapped about the woman before him. Tears flowed freely from the eldest Ravenlock as he realized finally and truthfully that he was holding his own sister Jewell in his arms. "Jewell.. I--gods, how..." His eyes looked up to her so full of tears.

She shook her head, though it was unclear in regards to what. It was all too much. Nothing was making sense or getting through to her. He was happy? Were those tears of joy? It was overwhelming. He embraced her. When was the last time anyone but Ishmerai had done so? No one expressed such kindness and love to her anymore; her body didn?t even know how to respond right away, remaining stiff and unyielding. It was the name that finally grabbed her attention, though. Jewell. It rang through her head. Maybe she was still that girl because a part of her deep inside, a part that could not be erased no matter how much time had passed, responded to that name on his lips. "I.. I don't know." It was the only response she could articulate at first, her fist wiping furiously at her eyes. How did those tears get there? Why were they there? Was she happy? Sad? "I am not really her, but I am." The overflow of emotions finally freed itself in a nervous laugh mixed with her tears. "And I'm here. Actually here, with you. This is real." She had to say it out loud, to hear it, to make it so. Nothing had felt real these past weeks.

Trying so hard to regain himself, Brian lifted to his feet slowly. Hands rose to wipe his own eyes, as they took the sight of Jewell in once more. A hand lifted to her, as a caress of cheek followed. A bit of a recoil, as he felt her skin for the first time in so many years. As he did so, a soft breeze took the hill they were upon, as leaves began to rustle more so. This caused Brian to glance behind them but a moment. What he saw caused his eyes to widen yet again. A single candle, her candle, was no longer aflame. His eyes shifted to her, and then to the candle; back and forth as he realized even more so: this...was...real.

His arms wrapped about her once more in a tight hug as he lifted her from the ground, into a somewhat twirl. Setting her down, he smiled warmly and leaned to her, giving a kiss to that head of hers. "I felt.... I knew somehow.. Someday. I felt it... You... You left something behind that I saw... And told no one else... But--- I even doubted, when years passed... I never forgot though." Brian quieted, and simply took in his sister.

The pain that always lingered in her chest these days, the pressure that weighed her down, didn't seem so bad at the moment. A lightness filled her, the calm and peace that she had felt in her dream when Amanda lead her back to this place: back to RhyDin. This was why. This is what Amanda meant for her to find. A sudden burst of happiness, an emotion that felt somewhat foreign to her, had her babbling almost incoherently. "Everything fell apart for me, and I didn't know where to turn. And Amanda.. I think she lead me here, back to you.. back to the family." She shook her head, knowing she made little sense. "I didn't know how to tell you, tell anyone.. and I was afraid. I thought maybe," and there was the sorrow again, overpowering her and choking her words. "I thought maybe I was really gone from here, that I couldn't ever come back. I wasn't needed or wanted or.. I didn't belong. Because I'm not the same." She wiped at her face again since those tears insisted on falling. "I lost Jewell along the way; I don't know if I can really be her anymore. I think she's gone. But I had to try something, have to try something. I couldn?t go on anymore."

"You're home... That's what matters. You're here. I lost Brian once too, you know..." Brian said softly. ?Jenai got him back...Alex was found again too.. And here, we have you... You made it back, and we never forgot you. No matter what happened, you were never forgotten, love. Whatever you think, or lost it doesn't matter. You're home."

His reassurances, words that reflected the ideas that Ishmerai had repeated insistently the last few weeks, were hard to absorb. They were too good to be true. She was not forgotten. She was loved. Maybe even needed, wanted. "I didn't know.. I didn't remember. I thought," again she shook her head, trying to free herself from all the conflicting ideas in her mind. "I've been changed so much," her voice was softer now. "They've stolen everything from me, so nothing made sense anymore. But a part of me must have known. I must have known somehow that if I could get back here, maybe everything could be okay. Maybe it could all make sense again. This place was my last hope."

"Whatever you need, we're here. Whatever it takes, we'll find a way. We always have, and we always will."

She threw her arms around him this time, hugging him tight with what little strength her enfeebled frame had. "I missed you," she admitted, although it went without saying. It was the clearest thought in her mind right now.

The hug was returned in kind, as a deep breath was taken. "I missed you too, love. Forever, and a day... And now, we're all home again." There were so many questions, and the like. Of course there'd be! But that could wait for now. What was more important than anything was the mere fact that Jewell Ravenlock?in some way, shape or form?had finally returned to the family, which never once gave up hope on her.

She stepped back a little and just looked at him. It felt good to look at him and know him and have him know her. These past few weeks, as she had wandered around RhyDin like an outsider, a stranger, a ghost, had done nothing to heal the hurt inside. But now, she wasn't just outside looking in anymore. She was in the here and now. She was alive. She was home. The ground felt solid beneath her feet for once. "We have a lot to talk about, brother." There was her smile, a grin that she offered him. It didn't feel affected or forced; it felt natural. Normal. Her world had stopped tilting for the time being.

"That we do sister, that we do..." That smile was returned indeed, as he felt it too. A void that had long been felt was not as such. Many more emotions of course came to mind, the most of which was relief and thankfulness. Brian held her there, thanking the gods that after all this time she had found her way back.