It was a long, unpleasant walk to the Pride and Fury after she left the Outback and she wished at several points that she had taken Harris? offer of assistance up. It was mostly just pride that had made her refrain: she had not been good enough in the ring and therefore had taken the beating; she could deal with the consequences. There was also her unfailing unwillingness to be a burden to anyone to consider. Neither of these were comforting as she had to take a seat on a deserted street corner before she reached the West End to regain her breath.

The physical was not the only thing ailing her tonight. Her conversation with Anubis while they dueled, although it had not been especially vicious compared to what she had seen and heard of him, had stirred up those undying memories and thought patterns that were better left to rest. There had been a glimmer of hope, that maybe she was finally getting away from all that. That maybe, in finding happiness with Stephen, she wouldn?t be allowing herself to drown in all the unhappiness that came before. It didn?t quite work that way. Her comment to Anubis, that she did not ?play the dominance game very well,? was a laughable lie. She knew it to be so and spent the remainder of her slow trek to the docks rehashing the whole history of how exactly she was an expert at ?the dominance game.?

She boarded the Pride and Fury quietly, as usual, slipping into Stephen?s room with the light steps of a wraith even when injured. If he stirred she just whispered a soft, ?It?s only me love,? her jaw moving stiffly as the bruising had blossomed across her skin there. She stiffly removed her blood-soiled dress, her right arm where he had hit her screaming at the movement and her back and stomach unwilling to stretch without a fair amount of pain. Her dress, ruined now, was deposited on the floor. She had washed her skin clean of blood at the Inn after leaving the Outback (avoiding the mirror as best she could, the whole left side of her temple was just as unpleasant as her jaw to look at) and fortunately any blood she had shed had not stained through to the matching undergarment set she had chosen.

The light camisole-like top covered the black and blue coloring of her stomach and spine well enough but nothing hid those same colors developing on the inside of her thighs from Anubis? last move. Each of the bruises was familiar in a way, a reminder of wounds suffered inside and out then, but it was the sight of the ones along her thighs that started the tears stinging in her eyes and she was unable to stop them. His other words came back to her as she climbed into bed besides her fianc?: Me? Were you my slave, I would have ordered you to do it. You would have known it degraded you, but have done it anyhow, because you would know I have the right to degrade you if I please. Her mind was locked into the spiraling recollection of how many times she had been degraded and went along with it all because she thought someone did have the right to do that to her even if she wasn?t wearing a collar about her neck. It had still been there in a way, hadn?t it? Even if know one else had seen it.

She curled herself up as small she could against Stephen?s back, refusing to close her eyes and allow herself to get caught up in the unwanted nightmares that awaited her undoubtedly tonight. The nightmares she created for herself in the form of recalled memories when waking were torturous enough as is. No, she kept her eyes open and cried as quietly as she could, losing the fight within once again.

I feel the heat, a fire that burns
Deep in my soul as this hell ride returns
No one around to hear me cry out
Open my mouth but I can't make a sound

?One time pep talk between friends. I hadn't planned on giving another one.?

That was what he had said and the more she thought about it, the sicker she felt inside. A pep talk, Robin would have loved that phrase. It was just as bad as: ?I was doing it for your own good,? ?you brought this upon yourself,? ?I wouldn?t have done it if I didn?t love you? and every other piece of shit she had been fed over the years. And they all bought it, didn?t they? Just some pep talk that would never happen again, it didn?t matter that it had happened at all in the first place.

?Why would they believe you, anyways? You?re just overreacting and you know you deserved it.?

She murmured something to herself in response, all her defenses to the cruel words nonexistent tonight. Her murmuring caused a husband and wife, passing her by on their way home from a bar, to shake their heads and share a look between them that read: ?Isn?t that a darn shame??

The further she walked away from the alley, the deeper she dug into her mind. The reassurances of love, the concern, from Brian and Issy were pushed aside and all she was left alone with was herself.

?Even your brother didn?t back you up. What did he say? ?Jewell these are the types of people you want to associate with, it happens.? See, even he thinks it?s your fault. You decided to associate with them, you have to suffer the consequences.?

?He was just trying to rouse me, make me fight back. That?s how he does things.?

?Did it work??

She fell silent again, a chill running over her exposed skin in the cool early morning air. It hadn?t worked. Every word Brian had uttered had pulled the smothering blanket of despair tighter over her head. Every word any of them had said that had lessened the import of the situation (even if two simple blows to her cheek didn?t seem like anything important to anyone else) had felt like someone sucker punching her in the stomach. It reaffirmed everything she had ever been told by him.

?You?ve never believed me, but now do you? Do you? You treated me like shit for all I did to you, Jewell, trying to make yourself into some sort of victim and me into a monster so everyone would pity you. Isn?t that what you did? And look at you now. Your mask has been pulled off and everyone can see what you?re really all about.?

Her feet were the only thing to keep her going while her mind screamed at her non-stop. The only sensible part of her still functioning knew she had to get to the Pride and Fury, get to someone that could shake her out of this because she was in way too deep. Almost coming clean to Brian and Issy before bottling it all back up again inside had her regressing further back than she had been in years.

?He called it a ?Hazard of the Duels? and you?re so starving for attention you have to make it out to be some huge deal, as if you were being abused, as if you were some innocent little girl, as if you didn?t ask for it. Making a huge deal of it to get everyone?s sympathy.?

?That?s not??

?YES IT IS!?

She shrunk back from the pure force of that voice screaming at her inside her head, all the old terror of it completely returning, and closed her eyes tightly. This wasn?t happening to her. They said she was strong. She could fight this.

?Do you really think that waltzing down to his precious ship and telling him all is really going to change anything? You don?t think he?ll just laugh at you, tell you how pathetic you are for wanting attention so bad.?

?No.?

?Yes,? it asserted right back.

?No!? She stopped in the middle of a dark street in the West End, stomping her foot like a tantrum prone child. She didn?t even notice the pain that shot up through her leg at the gesture, the way her knee was throbbing from walking so much, or the way her body shook from the physical and emotional strain she was putting it through.

?Yes.?

Something like a strangled cry escaped in a whisper between her lips as her fingers tangled in the roots of her own hair, pulling at the blue strands. ?Just leave me alone!? It came out more like a begging plea than the command she wanted it to be. Silence was her answer. They both knew that was never going to happen.

I feel the weight of the world sometimes
hanging on my head, whoa
Look for the light at the end of this tunnel once again
Mad Caddies, State of Mind

Wyheree was asleep, cuddled close against James in their stateroom aboard the Sea Wolf. They had enjoyed an intimate late dinner, celebrating their love for one another until sleep claimed them both, entwined in one another's arms.

Suddenly, she was awake - fully wide awake, sitting up in bed, carefully so as not to disturb her dearest husband. Ever since Skyler's death, she had strengthened the bonds that tied her to each token she made, vowing to never lose anyone else dear to her. The pain and anguish she felt was like nothing she ever experienced, utter despair.. worse than even what she had sensed from Toby, after he and Lorelie finally parted. Silvery tears stung her eyes as she pinpointed the source - the bracelet, made for her friend, and now carried by her Sissy..

With a brush of lips against James' cheek, Wyh quickly spun herself a simple dress, walked over to the clear space by the map table, and with a swirl of icy mist, Wyh disappered.

As Jewell sank upon the crate, huddled among the nets, clinging to the bracelet, Wyh appeared before her heart sister, tears trailing down her cheeks in silvery lines. in a heartbeat, Wyh had Jewell wrapped gently in her arms, cradling her, rocking her gently. With a little focus, she caused a gentle mist to spring around them, shielding them from those who might do them harm, and giving Jewell the comfort of her element. No words were spoken - no words were needed, as Wyh poured her element, her energy, her strength, out - whatever her Sissy needed, was hers.

Without you
Without you
There is nothing to hold on to
And the morning won't come
Without you
Mad Caddies, Without You

With a little coaxing, Wyh led Jewell back to the Pride and Fury, hoping to find Stephen there as Jewell continually insisted on needing to see him even though the hour was way past midnight. They boarded the ship with little trouble, Jewell directing Wyheree which way to go, falling otherwise quiet the second they were on board the Fury. She was listening to the objections being formed in her mind against this idea, but it was too late to turn back now. Wyh knocked on his cabin room door, hoping to find him now present.

Stephen answered the door and looked between Jewell and Wyh a moment before speaking, ?Murinin, is everything well??

She was trembling uncontrollably now, even with Wyh's arm about her shoulder. Her resolve to talk about what was going on was quickly failing her. Jewell lowered her face; it was much more bruised now than when she had last seen her and she was ashamed and feeling a swelling of fear at the urging of that voice. As Jewell didn't speak up, Wyh chose to. "She used her bracelet to call me and I found her sitting on a crate by the warehouses like this...I do not know how long she was out wandering around. I saw her earlier in the evening and she was okay, I do not know what happened since then but I think there is more to this than just Vinny."

Stephen stepped to the side of the doorway giving Wyh some room. ?Lets get 'er sittin' down. I'll get a blanket fer 'er.?

Jewell let Wyh guide her into the room, seemingly not minding that her sister and fianc? had talked about her like she wasn't even there. Her Sissy sat her down on the edge of the bed but didn't step away from her until Stephen was there to take her place. "I think that she came looking for you earlier."

Jewell finally added to the conversation with a nod of confirmation for that, "After the alley...with Issy, Brian and Vinny?."

He wrapped a blanket over Jewell?s shoulders and squatted down, balancing himself on the balls of his feet in front of her. ?The alley??

?I think I should let you two talk,? Wyh said quietly. She was curious and she didn't want to leave her Sissy as she was, but she trusted Stephen to take care of her. She moved back away from the two, and prepared to go back to the Sea Wolf.

Jewell seemed fairly oblivious to Wyh's presence already, forcing her attention on Stephen to keep it from scattering as it had so easily earlier. She nodded at his question, "They wanted to confront Vinny about hitting me," swallowing hard, "I think they thought it was my fault.? There was a little bit of hesitation, ?but I don't know.? She dug the heel of her hand into her bruised temple, trying to get her facts straight and separate from the muddled mess of lies in her head. It wasn?t even clear to her, at this point, what Issy and Brian had really intended or said when it was mixed with all the lies and deceit her mind provided.

He nodded to Wyh and mouthed his thanks to her, which she just responded to with a tight smile before a shimmer of ice took her away. His head snapped back to Jewell when he heard her. ?Who hit ye?...an' why??

She was trying to calm herself down and collect her thoughts; his presence helped with that enough to allow her to tell him what happened a few nights prior. ?Vinny hit me?after our duel. He said I didn't take it seriously enough," she closed her eyes, jaw clenching. ?He said that and then he hit me across the face?and he hit me again later. Tonight he said it was just a pep talk?? she almost wanted to laugh at that, ?a pep talk.?

Stephen reached out to gently touch the bruise that had blossomed over Jewell?s face from those two backhand blows. ?Is this from tha' hit?...sounds li'e a pretty severe pep talk.?

She nodded, not even flinching at that gentle touch. ?I'm not trying to over react...I'm not. But he went and started everything up in my head again and I hate him!?

?I dun understand murinin, wha' is it he stirred up?? Outwardly, Stephen was keeping calm while inwardly he was fuming but now was not the time for that.

She could do this. She could tell him and ask for his help despite the objections screaming in her head: he couldn?t help her, she was beyond helping, she was weak for asking for help, he?d hate her, he?d be disgusted by how weak she was, etc. She had to tell him, though, because she was more scared what would happen if she didn't than if she did. She had to lick her lips a few times before she could even start, ?The first boy...guy that I was with...he hurt me. A lot.? She still couldn't put the abuse title to it. ?I guess I let him? there was always that concession that made it okay, ?but I can't shake him off. Every word, every incident, I remember it.?

He nodded softly. ?Aye I suppose tha' be the way wit' thin's li'e tha' we do hold on moreso tae the bad then the good.?

?But it's like he's in my head. I hear him.? She covered her face with her hands, fingers digging into the roots of her hair. ?Every insecurity, every single thing I ever did wrong he picks apart. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I can't fight this back.?

Cupping her face in his hand, he dipped his eye trying to find hers. ?Murinin look a' me. Do ye nae thin' I feel the guilt still o' Annie??

She was scared to look at him, afraid of what she might see: anger, disgust, disappointment? She had to let her own hands fall away from her face to meet his eyes, tears present in her own; there seemed to be a never ending supply these days. ?I guess so?? She was trying not to listen to the incessant buzz in her brain now and focus just on him, what he was saying.

?I love ye murinin. I am 'ere tae listen, ye can always talk tae me.?

?But talking doesn't make it stop...I tried that with Skyler, when it was just nightmares and now it's more. It never stops, I walk around and I just hear all the old words and they still hurt...and.? She had to pause and try to gather her scattered thoughts again, "I don't want to be crazy for you, Stephen, but I hear it so often and it starts to be real...and I start to believe it all again. And I don?t want to,? her tone had a pleading note to it, ?I don?t want to be that Jewell again.?

There was so much he wanted to ask but he did not want to dig too far too fast. ?Murinin ye are nae crazy but I still dun understand wha' is it tha' ye believe...?

"Everything he says to me." She realized the way she had said that and quickly corrected it, "Said. He broke me down. I was never good enough, I never did anything right, I was a slut...useless, disloyal. A horrible girlfriend, partner...whatever. I was never good enough to make him happy and that I'd never be good enough for anyone else."

He nodded understanding a bit more now. ?But why would ye believe tha'? Perhaps ye could nae make him happy though because ye were meant fer me??

It was clear from the expression that crossed her face, the furrowing of her brow and tilt of her head, that this had certainly never occurred to her. ?I...but even if that's right,? and she couldn't even express how much she hoped it was because she could cling to that idea and believe in it, "I still see validation in things he said to me from stuff that happens. And part of me knows it's not all true but when I keep hearing it, it's hard not to believe it??

She didn?t know how else to explain why she believed it all. It would perhaps take the whole story, every little detail that she could remember, before he could see how she had been conditioned to this way of thinking of herself, how it had been basically drilled into her physically and verbally until there wasn?t anything else to believe. She could tell him that whole story, but not tonight; she didn?t have the energy for it tonight.

?Wha' validation o' those words do ye see? I certainly see nothin' tha' way about ye.?

Her fingers were tempted to curl into fists, she was trying to put into words feelings and ideas she had never even tried to explain to another before and it was incredibly frustrating. ?Well...something like with Vinny. He told me I don't take thing serious enough, and that just turns into one more thing I've done wrong. Or...did I tell you my sister killed herself? I wasn't there for her and I couldn't stop her. I failed her. Stuff like that...it all gets dragged up and mushed together in my head, confirming the way he said I am.?

He wrapped his arms about her and held her close a moment; it pained him to see someone he cared so much about hurting like this. ?Aye I wish there were a way I could take all yer pain fer ye, make it me own burden tae bear. Vinny is a fool who does nae know ye a lick.?

There was both strength and comfort to be found in his embrace, reassurance in the fact that he would even want to bear her pain for her was what she needed, reassurance in the simple fact that at least he knew some of what was going on in her head and that she didn?t have to hide it anymore and he wasn?t turning and running from it. ?I told him that...he doesn't, but it still grates. It just opened the flood doors for so much more...?

?I hope ye dun thin' I be oversteppin' when I say this murinin, but ye take tae much tae heart. Ye let in the thin's others say who do nae know ye ....the real ye an' do nae luv ye.?

?I don't know how to stop that,? shaking her head, ?this has been my ghost...my fight...for years. All those little comments they build up eventually and then someone makes one comment, or a gesture, that brings it all back and then?? She waved her hand a little, indicating her present condition: battered, bruised, on the verge of losing her mind at times. ?This.?

He looked over Jewell?s face and grinned lightly. ?Wha? Ye dun li'e bein' the most beautiful lass I know?...Aye I understand luv, but I wish tha' ye could see ye through me own eyes. There is so much ye dun give yerself credit fer li'e yer strength an' yer courage an' those other thin's ye said I dun see them a' all I don't.?

How he managed to get a smile out of her when she was feeling at her lowest was amazing and it was probably one of the reasons she was crazy about him (actually, she was sure it was one of the reasons). "But...I don't see how you can see all that, or anything, good in me. Do you really think you've seen through all the affectation, the masks...everything?" She questioned him earnestly.

He took a hand and softly placed it above her left breast. ?Ye 'ave shown me this? If ye 'ave then I 'ave seen e'erythin' there is tae see.?

She was getting teary eyed again when he asked her that. She just nodded; there was no other response she could really give to that except maybe to lean over and kiss his cheek, which she did. "I want to see me your way, I promise I'll try."

He took her hands. ?Close yer eyes murinin.? She did as asked, trusting him completely. He kissed each of her eyelids before embracing her and holding her tightly. ?Feel me murinin, concentrate on wha' ye feel nae wha' ye see an' ye will see clearly 'ow I feel about ye an' 'ow I see ye.?

She followed his instructions, doing her best to focus on nothing else but him. She knew how she felt about him, how much safer and more comfortable she felt with his arms around her now, but she worked on reflecting outwards and taking in his emotions, his thoughts and not her own. She was only naturally a little more empathetic than most but it fortunately didn?t take a naturally strong empath to know how Stephen felt about her. Surrounded by his presence, his scent?that combination of salt air, exotic spices, and curing tobacco?delighted her senses, it was easy to recall the way he looked at her, every compliment and kind word that had been given since their acquaintance began until now, and to know that it was all said in earnest, every feeling conveyed sincerely.

It was enough to make her skin physically glow that faint silver that she couldn?t quite contain when her emotions ran high, when a swell of happiness bubbled forth from within. She didn?t want to open her eyes, to break the spell that gave her such desired relief. She only had one more request of him for the night, and entreated him in a whisper, ?Please don?t let me go.? He quickly and firmly assured her of his compliance with such a request and she found it surprisingly easy to fall asleep, after such a terribly long and emotionally exhausting day, with his arms kept tightly around her so that she could continue to feel beautiful.

Memories of how it used to be
Painted thick on my walls
Cold illusions pumping through my veins
Felt them there but I didn't hear them call
Washed away all my darkest fears
Shoved them down to my soul
I keep them aged like a vintage wine
I'm sure they'll come out when they're ready to go
Mad Caddies, Last Breath

By all accounts, she should not have been able to sleep after the night she had. The voice in her head was wide-awake again and waging war, with the night?s events as ammunition, against the sound reasoning that first Stephen and then Brian had offered her. However, even the endless streaming of negative thoughts couldn?t fight against her exhaustion or the unhealthy amount of whiskey that saturated her system. Jack Daniels?that disloyal lover, who would leave her wishing she had never laid eyes on him in the morning, enabled her to escape the renewed, incessant infighting in her brain for the dark passages of Dream. Unfortunately, Jack Daniels, Stephen Kidd, nor Brian Ravenlock could follow her there.

She was dreaming; that much was clear despite the clarity and detail the scene possessed. She could feel the heavy fabric of her dress weighing her down and could hear the low hum of conversation from the party-goers and the light music the band began to play after her name had been announced and she entered the ballroom. Such lucidity could be attributed to the fact that she had lived this scene before, albeit over ten years prior, and was only reliving a slightly altered version now. It was one of those nights that would forever be ingrained in her memory: She had just turned sixteen and a celebration was being held to honor the finalized engagement between Robin and herself. As miserable as she should have been, she had planned to make the best of it. Although her brother had refused to allow her to wear her favored faerie styled outfits, due to the recent uprising in protestation against the administration?s tolerant faerie policies, she still looked beautiful. A tight fitting corset top, inlaid with silver spiraling designs, made much of her still developing body. Layer upon layer of silver and blue fabric made up a full skirt that ran to her feet, the tip of her open toed shoes just sticking out. Her hair was held back tightly, curls flowing out from an arrangement of small flowers that had been painted silver especially for the occasion. Like many other maidens invited to the gala, she carried an intricate mask in her hand.

In an attempt to avoid her fianc?, with a twirl of skirts in time to the music, she put forth the effort to dance with every available (and not so available) man in the room. She switched partners as the music changed, not once stopping her mad twirl across the dance floor. However, the young men, old senators, and foreign ambassadors that she had danced with that night were replaced by men more familiar to her now.

She waltzed Alex. As their song began, the dress shifted away, as objects often do in dreams, to be replaced by something befitting the years she had spent with him: a halter made of tan leather and the pants to match, her blue hair held back in a ponytail. The dance he led her through was perfectly synonymous to their relationship: they occasionally moved together as one but at other times broke apart into a free spin, completely devoid of contact. They said nothing to each other the entire time, an awkward formality stiffening their limbs and regulating their steps. There was nothing left to be said that hadn?t been said a million times over and if there was, it was too late. The dance was mostly joyless by the end and she was eager to switch partners as the music changed.

She was handed off to Skyler to do the fox trot: simple steps performed to upbeat music in a risqu? black dress, backless and shifting as she moved. It was a brief dance, over before it even really began. She enjoyed it more than the last, however, chatting amiably with her partner in a flirtatious manner that was sure to make her fianc? fume. Ah yes, she could see him on the sides there drinking down a steady supply of champagne, she knew she would be able to smell it on his breath later that night in the dark of her room, as he watched her.

There was no time to think on that as she was forced to quickly change partners again, finding herself thrust into Stephen?s arms as they began a tango together. From the top of their ribs down to their thighs, they were in contact with one another as their feet guided them expertly in a dance that had come to epitomize sexuality for many. Once again her garb had changed: a long black gown that hugged her curves and fell to her ankles, blue waves left to cascade freely down her back and whip about as they turned. They drew a crowd as they moved across the dance floor, coiling and twisting around each other, always touching in some way. This was the longest of the dances and she longed to be lost in it, in him.

Alas, she caught a glimpse of her fianc? over Stephen?s shoulder as he held her close before dipping her down. She knew what would come if Stephen let her go, if she stepped out of the safe circle of his arms, took a bow, and departed to her room for the night. She hadn?t known then, that night, what was to happen but the images were clear in her mind now, overshadowing the view of green eyes before her. She heard the words he would say: ?As my fianc?e I hold all power over you, and I wouldn?t dare defy me if I were you,? ?That was a stupid thing to do, Jewell, a very stupid thing to do,? along with the ghostly touch of unwanted caresses and achingly familiar hands roughly holding her back from attempting to tear his face off. Even as she felt her body continue to move in that sensual dance, the crowd and the ballroom all faded away around them. She carried on the dance with Stephen, Robin the only spectator now. He circled around the pair, champagne glass rising occasionally to his lips but his eyes were always on her?his little faerie that fruitlessly pounded away at the glass sides of the glass he had so efficiently trapped her under.

?Keep dancing, Jewell. The music will end soon enough and then what will you do?? Her eyes remained steadfast on Stephen as he turned her about on her stiletto heel in a sharp pivot, taking them back across the nonexistent dance floor slowly, away from Robin.

He was there waiting for them. ?I?m the last name on your card and I demand my turn.? Tiny arms snaked their way up around Stephen?s neck, her leg curling about one of his as he dipped her down once more, lips fluttering against her neck as his hand played down the outside of her thigh.

?You can?t keep up this charade forever, switching partners and continuing on with this fruitless dance. You?re just avoiding the inevitable.? Her partner set her upright once more and they continued their tango, physically closer than they had been earlier.

?But you know that it?s only for tonight, for right now, because when the music stops,? and as if on cue it did and she was left standing still, wrapped in Stephen?s arms. ?And your little games are over, and you?re without a partner to support you,? her arms were suddenly bereft of the partner she tried to desperately cling on to. ?All that?s left is you and me.? He had come up behind her, wrapping his arms possessively about her form and lowering his lips to one of those delicately pointed ears, ?And the night is still so young, my pet.?

I can see the dark clouds looming up above the land
Picking up on the signals of connotations
I don?t understand
They tell me things nightmares are made of
Pictures straight from hell
Try to put it all in a bag by the wayside
But I know I will fail
Mad Caddies, Silent

Sometimes things had to get worse before they could get better.

She was out shopping for some groceries for the Sanctuary (even though, more often than not, she was sleeping on the Pride and Fury these days), an innocent enough activity. He still wouldn?t leave her alone, though. There was an incessant stream of insults, picking apart her every insecurity, and she could only ignore it for so long.

It was a simple incident, a very small scene, but it would embarrass her for months to come. She was in her favorite booth; Mister Ridgehouse had the best collection of vegetables (at a fair price, too!) in RhyDin and Jewell was frequently stopping by. They had gotten to know each other over the last two or three years since Jewell began purchasing her vegetables from him: she always asked about his wife, Lynn, and he often wanted an update about what was going on in the social circles she ran through.

Today was no different. As she wandered the booth, picking out different items and examining them before they were placed in her basket, he tried to uphold their usual conversation.

?I guess I can?t be calling you Miss Ravenlock for much longer, can I??

She laughed a little, glancing aside at him, ?I wouldn?t mind. ?Mrs. Ravenlock Kidd? is a bit lengthy, though you could just call me Jewell.?

While he asked her how her most recent relationship was going (he remembered the days when she was married to Alex), if she was done with the wedding plans, and she dutifully responded, Jewell was carrying on a much more vicious conversation in her mind.

?Look how you flirt so wantonly with this merchant. You want him, don?t you? Not even married yet and already desiring to return to your slutty ways.?

?Only you would think I?m a slut. No one that knows me well would ever say that,? she tried out this new line of defense against an old argument. ?And I want nothing to do with Mister Ridgehouse like that.?

?No one that ever knows you, huh? Alex called you a slut that time??

?That was just a misunderstanding, he thought something was going on between Que and I, and there wasn?t. Besides, he was sleeping with Lain at the time anyways.?

?Always able to rationalize anything, aren?t you? Make it okay in your mind, brush away his comments just like that.?

?Yeah, well rationalizing even the cruelest of things is something you taught me best,? she bit out angrily at him.

It wasn?t until she noticed that Mister Ridgehouse was staring at her that she realized she had made this last retort out loud, and quite vehemently at that. He was looking at her curiously and with a touch of nervousness; he had only asked if she had noticed he got a fresh batch of snap peas in that morning. ?Miss Ravenlock?? In that simple address was several questions: was she talking to him? If not, whom was she talking to? And most importantly, was she okay?

She obviously wasn?t. She gave a slow shake of her head, unbelieving, and so wholly embarrassed, that she had just been caught in the act. ?I?m sorry?I have to go.? Setting her basket down (her favorite one, too) she made a coward?s escape, lamenting that she?d have to find somewhere else to do her vegetable shopping from now on.

Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
Christina Aguilera, Beautiful

It all came down to coming face to face with the specter from her past.

Positive reinforcement, that?s what it would take to drown out the voice. It was so easy, so simplistic, that she almost laughed. If years worth of negative comments and reinforcement of them was what did this to her, then sitting in front of a mirror every day and reminding herself how beautiful, how loved, and worth loving she was had to be the natural antidote. At least it was worth a shot.

Easier said than done, though. Jewell found it hard to sit in front of the mirror and face herself. There was a time when she could have spent all day admiring her visage but now she had trouble just looking herself in the eyes. She knew what lurked beneath that thin layer of perfect skin. It was all an illusion! Even without her magic, the light skin marred with a smattering of scars was still beautiful, still a perfect mask for what was hidden beneath. She leaned across the vanity, touching the mirror and effectively poking her reflection-self in the eyes. Mirrors to the soul, right? She really didn?t want to see what was in there because she knew these last few weeks had only scratched the surface.

She forced herself to keep her eyes open despite the desire to close them against the world. That wouldn?t make this problem go away. No, she knew it would probably only make it worse; she was all too familiar with the visions she saw played out against the inside of lowered lids. Therefore, there she sat, grey eyes staring bleakly at her reflection. She was armed for combat against the greatest foe she had, armed with the love and reassurance of family and friends.

?I am worth loving.?
You never were and never will be.

?My friends and family love me.?
No they don?t. Your own flesh and blood brother never loved you.

?My friends are good people that genuinely care about me.?
They?re out to use you for your popularity, they don?t actually care.

?I do my best to treat my friends well.?
You?ll push them aside when their usefulness is up.

?I am beautiful.?
You?re disgusting. You have to use magic to make yourself pretty.

?I love Stephen.?
You convince yourself you love these men so they will stay with you. You manipulative little?

?We?re going to be happy together.?
No one could be happy with you. He?ll soon realize what he?s got himself into.

?I can make him happy.?
You?ll only bring misery to any man in your life.

?My family supports me.?
Only because they have to.

?And I am loyal to them.?
Only when it serves you to be so. You?d betray them in a second.

?I am not a slut.?
You only cheated on your first husband.

?I am a good person.?
A good person doesn?t kill people.

?I am a good mother to my children.?
They?d be better off with Lain.

?I did nothing to deserve this.?
You did everything to deserve this.

?This was never my fault.?
You brought it upon yourself.

She balled her fists in frustration, pulling at her hair. This was not working!

She just had to breathe, lower her eyes away from her reflection for a moment, and breathe. When she had composed herself enough, she looked up and started all over again and continuing to do so until there wasn?t a single objection left: ?I am worth loving.?

The stars hang bright above the mountain
While the sun gently sleeps in the sea
I will keep my eyes ahead let what's done
Be done be dead
And release the pressure haunting me
Dark cold night back in the distance
With a brand new day up ahead
I will keep my dream alive
Forward I will strive
So reflections can't catch up with me
Let go let go child
Let go
Mad Caddies, Reflections

A reprieve.

A time to breathe.

She could look at her own face in the mirror again without cringing, without wanting to smash it (her face, not the mirror) into little jagged pieces. This was surely an accomplishment.

The voice quieted down until it was merely a dark whisper, easily refuted and ignored. She knew the things it called her and said her were all lies and fallacy, that she was different, that she had probably never been those things to begin with.

She was strong.
She was beautiful.
She was loyal and trustworthy.

She was happy.

It was amazing how quickly she could forget?no, not forget. It was amazing how quickly she could put from her mind this most recent of many episodes. Or perhaps it wasn?t something to wonder about; there were other things to concern herself with. There was a new house being built, kids to take care of, a marriage to help foster and grow, patrols in the West End to consider, fist fights to execute, warm summer days and cool summer evenings to enjoy. She could feel beautiful, young, and satisfied in her own body again. In control!

Jewell was desperately reaching out and enjoying her freedom. After all, she didn?t know how fleeting it would be.