I left the Inn in an unusual mix of emotions last night. It?s getting to be a terribly common state of being for me. How can I change that? I don?t think I can. I steel myself against these emotions every night as I shut my eyes and when I wake up, I?m ready to face the day. Something happens during the day to change that determination, that iron will inside me. It can?t be very good iron. I should go see Jodiah Ayreg about re-forging that.

I?m not even funny in my own head.

I saw Tara for the first time in ages. That made me happy because I haven?t had such a good best friend since Cher has left this world and I missed her terribly while I was away. Everything before that was shit.

I came down to the Inn in the evening happy. I spent the afternoon gazing into the Magic Mirror of mine and I felt peaceful once more. The early afternoon had stirred me up a good bit with Lucy attacking Issy. I didn?t show it then, Keaton and all were so upset, but I wanted to rip that little girl?s face off and leave it nailed to the Inn door as a warning. The Magic Mirror makes me feel better. I?ll tell you what I saw one day.

I was happy, even though Skyler didn?t invite me to play in the sprinklers outside with him. I love water and he didn?t ask me to play. That?s okay though, because I chatted with the girls. I?m getting better at that. I didn?t used to be good at making friends with women but Tara and Amthy cured me of that and now I?m a perfectly functioning socialite.

Skyler came back inside after his fun and games were over but I didn?t get to speak with him, or sit with him or any of that nice stuff that we do together (and it is nice, too). Rather, Natalia asked to speak with me. She?s been wanting to for some time now, whispering words and music into my head. I hate having things played in my head; I wasn?t meant to be telepathic that way. At least, I was never trained in it. I?d ask Amthy if Faeries were meant to be telepathic but she is dead and I feel like we will never get her back.

That makes me so angry I see red sometimes.

Natalia and I went out to the porch together to finally have our chat. That woman makes me feel weird. There?s something sweet and seductive about her. If she were a man, I?d probably fall head over heels. But she?s not. Which is okay, because I have plenty of girlfriends and always room for more in my life. Of course, after what she showed me last night I?m not feeling very inclined to being her friend. It was nice, I suppose, to keep me informed on what is happening behind my back.

I didn?t want to see that, though. Not after everything that?s happened these last few weeks. How is a girl supposed to take the slightest let down when someone is pulling the rug out from under her?

I just wanted to go inside, sit in my room, and have my cry by myself. I don?t need the comfort of others. I didn?t want it.

Skyler had to intervene. We could have talked reasonably later, but not then. I couldn?t reason then. I couldn?t even think straight.

This is what my life is doing to me.

He bruised my wrists, but I can?t think about that. It scares me and that is simply ridiculous because I know I could take Skyler on if I needed to. I don?t want to feel like I need to. Damn it- I shouldn?t even have to think of that! But it crosses my mind anyways, doesn?t it? Unbidden, unwanted. I can feel that familiar shroud of self-loathing descending upon me. This fear is a weakness embedded deep inside me that I can never extract. Its been deeply ingrained for far too long. I know what that damn Magic Mirror would show me now if I looked into it so I left it in my room as I wander the streets at dawn.

I?ve been wandering the streets all night, actually.

He wanted me to tell him, explain to him the madness in my head. It?s taken me all night to form the words, how could I have possibly said them hours ago?

It didn?t end well. I cried like a baby. And I screamed. When will I learn to stop causing such scenes in the Inn? I know it?ll be all over the Oracle this month. My whole life will be there, displayed for everyone to see who didn?t get to witness it live at the Red Dragon Inn.

Tara was my angel. Skyler left and I haven?t spoken with him yet. It was so easy to forget that when I was at Tara?s side. We could laugh again together. I don?t think anyone can realize how important she is to me. With Tara, I feel like it?s finally okay to break loose and be me; the me that was holed up tight inside that never saw the light of day until she was born in the Empress.

Or maybe I?m just delirious from lack of sleep. Not that I really need it but it would be nice right now. Of course, not if I have to sleep alone.