It was a plain black book, with simple white paper between the covers. The writing inside on the first page was a bit shaky, and there were some smudges and crinkles and jumbling, but overall the letters connected and looped elegantly enough.

3/17/07 No wait.. 3/18/07.. Oh hell, it's somewhere about there.. The timing and all. I think I passed out in the Inn, and it changed to the next day..

I finally decided to give in and start a journal. Or diary. Or whatever this would be considered. It's not as if it's some strange practice. My mother kept one, after all. It's how I got to know her. Through her writings. I'm a bit pissed right now, and knackered to boot, but I'm writing well enough, I suppose. I can't talk to people. I mean, about the important things. I tried to see a shrink, not because I'm barmy or anything.. But just thought perhaps if it were a stranger, I could talk some. Well, that kind of crashed and burned. Anyway. Tonight. Tonight tonight.. Well, it was.. Very strange. I was in the Inn, as is my habit, and socializing. I made sandwiches for me, Erin, Malachi, and Alain. Kind of strange, being there with Malachi and Alain after Gideon's little attempt to sabotage yesterday. Chi wandered off before I got out with the sandwiches anyway. And then she showed up. And chased Alain out. And then went and slobbered all over Chi. That part doesn't really bother me. Chi's nice. He's very, very attractive and certainly fun. But I doubt she'll steal him away, and I don't know him well enough to be upset even if she were capable of it. That stupid chit. She ruined everything. Alain texted me, asked me to come upstairs and see him.. And I did, and we were talking.. It was.. It was so sad.. It broke my heart, the things he said.. He cried. And it made me cry.. And that wench was listening! And apparantly she ran off crying and Shannon saw her. And my God! The girl went completely nutters on me! She actually had the audacity to try and punch me! I mean.. I knew she didn't like me.. I knew that. But she was screaming about hating me, and how I screwed everything up.. That's not just normal resentment.. That's.. That's something deeper. And I did nothing to earn such enmity.. I left when Alain asked me to. And Erin saw me when I got back downstairs.. And we both got really, really pissed. I don't remember a lot after going downstairs.. Until I woke up. And somehow made it home and dug this book up. I'm still feeling rather woozy. I think perhaps I should go lay down. Or perhaps puke..

March 23, 2007

I went to Mish'Cael's room with him the other night.. Again.. Probably it isn't really the best sort of decision... But. Well. I'm not even really sure I want to think about it. Not like it's a good decision with any of the other men either. But I don't really want to think any of that either.. That's kind of the point, isn't it? To not think?

Anyway. Erin and Alain were on the couch last night, so I spoke with Malachi. I want to commission some work. Partly to help him out, and mostly because what I've seen of his work is beautiful. Alain went up to bed and Erin joined us. Malachi made some remarks. Remarks about Erin and Alain.. I don't know. I want to think that they have no basis.. But I remember feeling uneasy after things Erin has said.. Anyway. They ditched me last night. That was kind of annoying. He said it'd be just a moment. So I waited. Fell asleep in a bloody chair waiting. I've been exhausted lately, and I was kind of queasy last night, so I would have liked to have known I could have just gone home. Whatever.

I'm just glad Alain took that informant this morning.. I've been dragging energy-wise lately.. Even eating more doesn't seem to make up the difference like it usually does. Speaking of low energy, I'm going to take a nap, and then get some stuff done.

March 28, 2007

Been fairly uneventful the past few days. Although there was some tension last night. Lydia doesn't seem to like Malachi. Everett seemed a little uncomfortable around him. And Malachi seemed the most uncomfortable. Don't really blame him. It's hard to break into new groups, especially when there's already some disapproval over your relationship with someone.

Been working. Still no viable leads on the murders.. Nothing that leads anywhere, anyway. I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever know..

April 2, 2007

Gideon knows.. Figured it out last night.. Don't know how. But it simply convinces me further that he's not what he says he is.. But I don't feel like fighting with him over it.. I was trying to act like things were normal.. We were necking and all of a sudden he froze and looked at me.. And I knew he'd figured it out.. And he knows that I know, now..

Jordan knew first.. He got me the test.. He held me after.. I don't deserve for someone to be that good to me..

I still don't know what to do.. I mean.. I know my options.. But.. God.. I can't be a mother.. I barely manage to keep up with myself.. Should go to the doctor.. Get a blood test just to make sure.. Find out how far along..

April 10, 2007

Got all the test results back yesterday. They called to tell me. I'm almost 8 weeks.. Along. Made an appointment for the counseling bit this afternoon. Can't imagine what that's going to be like. Though at least this time I doubt I'll get hit on by some old pervert in the guise of "therapy."

Gods.. I just want this to be all over with.. I told Erin.. Now that's three people who know.. She surprised me a bit. In a good way. At least I've got some support from her too. Mostly I've been avoiding people. Saw Malachi, told him I just have had the flu, and that's why I look so bad.

At least the throwing up has subsided some. Saw a healer, and she couldn't make all the nausea go away, but gave me something vile to drink in tea that helps with the stomach cramping. Sometimes I'm very glad that magic and the like exists. Because back in England, I'd still be throwing my guts up every time I ate.

Just.. I want everything to be back to normal.. Normal wasn't so great, but it wasn't so bad, either. I was mostly almost happy. Closer than I've been most of my life, anyway. Erin said that I'll never be the same no matter which choice I make.. It's just a matter of making the one that is the closest to right. And.. Well. I think I'm making the most right choice for me that I can..

April 23, 2007

Hee! Okay okay, I'll try and start near the beginning. Well. Thursday. Worked out pretty hard and then headed to the Inn, and Alain was there, having just worked out too. I swear, the man makes sweat look fantastic. Anyway. Sarah, the bitch, was there too, and I bet that she was planning to try and get him back into bed with her. But she didn't have much luck. Since he and I went upstairs and took a shower. Among other things. Anyway, that's not even the best part!

Let's see.. Was it two nights ago? I think it was. Erin and I got trashed on tequila and we made up this silly list of rules. Like no more drinking or smoking, and some other stuff. It was amusing, if nothing else. And maybe we'll stick to the rules.

Okay. Now. The best part! Last night at the spring fling thing.. Alain and I went together. And we danced, and it was amazing. And then we walked, and we talked. And.. He said that he'd like to be able to call me his girlfriend!!! So yes. He's my boyfriend now. We did both agree that sexual exclusivity isn't really any option, but that's okay for now. That can come later. And then we walked some more.. And fooled around a bit. It was nice.

May 31, 2007

We finally managed to get out of town for holiday. Alain and I. On holiday with just the two of us. Things have been holding pretty steady in Rhy?Din, so it seemed like a good time to get away. Kind of unwind and get away from all of the various tensions. Despite the fact that there hasn?t been a huge escalation in things, there?s still things going on. It is Rhy?Din after all. It would be unheard of for there to be no kidnappings or murders or other mysterious happenings. But there?s other people around to handle it. This is my time.

Who knows. Maybe Alain and I will get closer. Well, emotionally or whatever. ?cause Lord knows we can?t get any closer physically than we already get. I think that a change of scenery will be good though. For both of us separately as well as us together. The shore is nice here. I?ve always enjoyed the water after all. And I think it?ll be fun. I think it?ll present lots of opportunities for fun. =) Anyway, I should be off. Alain should be back at any moment and I think we?re going to try and cook dinner together. I?ll hope fervently that it?s edible despite my help.

June 10, 2007

This was really what I needed. I mean, I knew I needed it before we left, but I didn?t really know how much I needed it until I got it. Making any sense yet? Oh well. Everything was just starting to catch up to me. I don?t regret most of the choices I?ve made recently, but that doesn?t mean I don?t still feel some of the effects. I was just.. I was tired. But things here are just, wow. It?s like being in another world. A good one. A bubble. It?s safe here. I like it.

June 18, 2007

Oh dear. I?m not sure if I made a mistake or not. First of all, I was a little bit (okay more than a little) tipsy on wine. And I think.. Oh hell I know. I said something that might have included the word ?love? to Alain. Damn the wine. He sidestepped it. And frankly, I think I?m relieved he did. We kept talking though. And he told me I?m beautiful. And well, what happened after was really good too. Always is. I think I need to talk to Erin. Oh, and we?re back.

July 7, 2007

Oh dear.. I had hoped that new problems wouldn?t arise.. That we could all focus on solving the ones that have already been plaguing us. Lydia?s been kidnapped. I found Erin in the bar last night, she had a bottle of alcohol in one hand, and she looked, well she just looked off, if that makes any sense. She seemed to speak normally, but then would just randomly ask me a question. She?d hit her head, hard. I?m pretty sure she has a concussion. Pretty much all I know about those is that you have to keep the person awake.. Anyway. She told me I can tell no one.. Not even Alain. She also said that Grem is going to take care of it. Of course he would, but perhaps there?s some way that I can help.. Anyway. We went upstairs then, and I had her tell me everything she could remember.. Everything about the man and the attack. He?s a magic user.. I just had her keep telling me and telling me. Partly to learn what happened and partly to keep her awake. I hope everything turns out okay..

On a completely different and I suppose a bit random note.. It?s been a year since Alain and I met. Someone was asking how long we?d been dating and whatnot just recently and I guess it?s kinda made me think. Isn?t it what couples do? Celebrate anniversaries? Maybe I?ll mention it. I don?t remember what day we met, but I do know that it was in July. I think late July.

July 11, 2007

There?s still problems, but the past day and night have been decidedly filled with more humour. Last night I was at the Inn with Alain and Erin and there were people around and that ranger Hawk showed up, and poor man.. Elly showed up and saw him and decided to give him a free makeover.. Well. She took him into the men?s bathroom, and the things we heard.. Oh lord! It had Erin, Alain and I rolling on the floor with laughter! Literally! Then.. Oh no! She brought him out! He looked like a nancy-boy version of Alex! I got photo on my camera phone, so perhaps one day I?ll send it into the gangSTAR as blackmail! Ooooh speaking of the gangSTAR! That.. That.. BLOGGER! He?s writing the most horrible things about me! I?m going to have a bonfire.. I think closer to fall when it?s not so bloody hot.. And everyone has to bring their copy of his.. Crap! As admission. Because it?s all going into the fire!!

Whew. Okay. Anyway! I was in the marketplace today and I ran into Erin and Alain ran into us. Well, we were all sitting chatting and getting some lemonade, yummy stuff by the way, and I see these people in the distance. And they have signs. ?Down with the Stitch.? That bloody gossip rag got people thinking that Carley was fired for being an elf! You better believe I went and set them right! Smacked two people with a sign! And grazed a third. Sissy. He got one slap in, but it wasn?t terribly hard. Alain pulled me away, but I broke their sign first. Then Carley showed up, and attacked the sissy boy. And they all scattered. At that point I was sitting on the edge of the fountain and unfortunately I fell in because I was laughing too hard.. =/ Alain gave me his jacket because my white dress because see through and we headed home. And pretty much that?s been it. But in the past two days I?ve laughed more than I?ve probably laughed in the past year. And it was nice. I think it was good for all of us. A little bit of stress relief.

August 26, 2007

Things are so messed up.. I hardly know where to start.. This whole week has been the roller coaster ride from hell. It started out so well.. I was so excited and things just seemed like they were really coming together.. And then it all fell apart again..

A week ago.. Goodness it seems like there?s been no time since and yet at the same time it seems forever ago.. It was Sunday. Sunday afternoon. It was raining, and I was going to the Red Dragon Inn and I saw Alain on the porch. He seemed distracted, worried, and I asked what was wrong, and he told me. Miss B, that whore that I?ll write about in a minute, killed Chastity. He cannot prove it either. It?s been eating at him that he?d been protecting the wrong woman. He slept with them both.. But that?s okay, we weren?t together at the time, or at least, not together like we are now. I don?t like it, but then, the past is the past, right? Anyway, if I?d wondered about his feelings for Chastity, he put them to rest.. I told him I?d help him get revenge see.. And then I was comforting him, just trying to make him feel better.. And, well, we kissed, and he told me he loved me. Gods, it shocked me, it surely did, but I felt ever so warm inside.. And well, I?ve all but said it to him before, and I do love him, and I told him so, too. It was so unexpected, but it turned out so perfect.. We played in the rain and then we made love. It was so, well, perfect is the only word I can come up with..

The next day went horribly wrong.. And I did not know until it was too late.. Alain had a job. It was supposed to be simple. But it didn?t happen that way.. And he was all but kidnapped by a witch.. And well, I?m not sure of all the details yet.. But she kept him there.. Four days. For four days I did not know where he was.. If he was alive.. I didn?t start worrying until he didn?t come home that night.. And by the time I got to the place where the job took place, people and weather had washed away any signs of him I might?ve been able to find.. I slept little and ate less.. That first day.. I giggled and laughed and floated around while he was being hurt and then held captive.. I spoke to Erin. Met a strange being from mythology, a satyr, and giggled some more with her.. Then on Friday.. I was in the Inn that evening after more searching.. Tucker had sat me down and put some food down in front of me.. And I looked up, and in the mirror behind the bar, there he was.. Walking towards the bar.. Then he slipped off into the Great Hall without a word to me.. So naturally I followed him.. And.. What happened next.. Gods.. I can hardly believe it save for the fact that I?ve still got the bruises on my body and around my neck.. I was mad, I was yelling at him about how worried I?d been.. He had his back to me and I moved up to shove at him to get his attention.. And he turned and grabbed me, and threw me.. Sent me skidding across the floor.. More strength and speed than I?ve ever felt from him.. Surprised the devil out of me, that?s for sure.. Then he came over and grabbed me up, and.. I can hardly say it.. He choked me. Tried to strangle me.. I started babbling with the bit of air I had left. I can?t even recall what it was I said exactly, but something about love seemed to trigger the resistance.. And he dropped me.. His eyes were green. I recall that his eyes were green. They aren?t supposed to be. Alain has blue eyes.. Bluer than mine.. In any case. Some sort of.. Green substance.. Left him after he screamed for it to leave.. His eyes went blue again.. And he was himself.. He told me how he could see everything happening, but he couldn?t stop himself.. We talked a bit.. He told me a bit about the witch.. I?m going to kill her.. Finally we went back to his rooms.. I think it was only sheer exhaustion that got us through it.. I say that because things were awkward.. And finally we both dropped off..

Everyone was asking questions about the bruises around my neck the next day.. They wouldn?t leave off.. Then some stranger was talking about how awful people are who do that.. And Alain had come up at some point.. It was awkward.. Finally I made an allusion that I had enjoyed myself in a way that others might consider unusual, just to shut people up. Alex was there with his latest flavor of the week, and Lain came in. I guess she didn?t take too well to the break up because they had words and then she shoved him and they started fighting. I was actually feeling sort of sorry for her. And that?s not something I ever really thought I would feel for her. Anyway. I?m digressing. Things have just been awkward in the past few days..

Before I forget, I may as well explain the whole Miss B thing. Not too long ago the gossip rag said that he planted a hell of a kiss on her. Now, I didn?t think he?d kissed her, but obviously something had to have happened for the gossip rag to assume that, and it turns out she kind of threw herself at him. Knowing that he and I were together. So yeah. I told her to back off or I?ll bury her and the conversation kind of deteriorated from there and then later on when I was with Alain, she showed up and caused more problems. Whore. She needs to get her own man and stop trying to steal mine. But it doesn?t matter. He?s going to ruin her in revenge, and I?m going to kill her. And that?ll be that.

And I suppose I should end this. I?ve kind of gone on and on. But yeah.. I?ve been confused.. He and I really need to talk.. I don?t hold it against him that he tried to kill me because well, it wasn?t really him. But I don?t know if he really knows it.. Gods.. I just wish things were the way they?d been before it all happened.. After he told me he loved me..

September 30, 2007

Alain's gone on a job. Gun smuggling. I really don't like it.. But I can't forbid him to do it either.. I told him I don't like it, at least.. So he knows how I feel in any case. I just think it's inviting more trouble into our lives when God knows we've already got more than we can handle...

I visited Leslie's spot the other day. Planted flowers. More than I can count. I felt a little better, even though I was quite sore from the work.. Maybe they'll grow. That would be nice..

October 30, 2007

I'm going to meet Alain later tonight. Well, more like tomorrow morning, but same thing. I'm not so sure how it's going to go, either.. I could tell by the way he left this evening that he wasn't happy with me. We need to talk. I know I've been kinda nutters lately and I have been kind of jealous.. (Who am I kidding, I know I've been way jealous of the time he spends with other women lately!) But that's not what tonight was about. That woman just barged over like I wasn't there and started talking business, with him. Ignored me. And.. Well. I know I've kind of let him take lead, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be involved. I want to be informed when we're considering hiring a specific person. I want to be involved in deciding if that person is right for our business. That's certainly not too much to ask, and it's not about jealousy of women. I didn't mind when he hired Erin because I know Erin and I like Erin and I know we can get along. So.. I think I'm going to try and explain this to him.. I've just been so afraid of losing him.. I mean, everything else has been so screwy.. Before that women barged in and ruined everything, we were having a good evening.. We were laughing and joking. I'm still going to bring him breakfast, though right now I'm kind of doubting that the other part of my plan is going to happen. I was hoping to surprise him with a little more than breakfast..

But we need to talk. Things have been tense for awhile. And maybe, maybe if we can get through a serious conversation without fighting.. Maybe that'll help with some of the tension.. I love him, absolutely I know that. And he loves me. He wouldn't use those words if he didn't feel he meant them, because I'm pretty sure they scare him just as badly as they scare me.. So, we'll just have to work on it a bit.. I'll try and calm down.. And maybe if I don't go off so much, he won't be so cold..

December 26, 2007

Everything is so messed up.. I don't know what to do.. I just don't know. I thought it was going good. Alain and I had a lovely Christmas, and I had a lovely birthday too.. And a time that's usually the lowest point in the year for me is starting to become something good.. Something to look forward to, like other people do.

Dakota gave me a gift. A lovely necklace. He left it at my door, actually, with a note. And I didn't think anything more than it's a lovely gift from someone I consider a good friend, despite the fact that we haven't talked much lately. Then today.. He told me something. He told me he thinks about me. That he wants to be with me. And I had to break his heart. Which sucked. I hated doing it. But. I'm with Alain. Like I told Dakota, I've built something good with Alain, and I love Alain. And besides, I was there, right in front of Dakota for all that time.. He ran off and married Rosie. Then he went and married Charlotte. Was I supposed to wait? You can't wait for a married man.. That's just foolish. So yeah. That happened.

Then Alain came up, right after Dakota said all that and I told him all that.. And I could tell something was wrong.. And then he took my hand and he pulled me close and he kissed me. Not just a peck, but a good, meaningful kiss.. Passionate. He doesn't kiss me like that in front of people. PDA isn't his thing.. But he did. And he said that no matter what, he'd always love me.. It's about the case he can't tell me about.. He's going to be gone for a few days.. This is bad, this is really bad. I don't know if I should do something, like follow him and at least just keep a watch over him, or if I should listen to him.. But Gods if he gets killed then I couldn't live with myself.. I don't know.. I just don't know what to do.. I went and shot the hell out of the targets at the office.. Someone found me as I was leaving.. Told me Alain was safe and okay, that he said he loves me. It's just so frustrating sitting here doing nothing but drinking whiskey. Eless made me a scarf. It's lovely. Kitty is engaged to Tass. That's kinda strange, but I think they'll make a good pair. I'm trying to be normal when I'm down there, but it's so hard knowing what I know..

I need another drink..

January 15, 2008

Why do I always feel like I've left so much out lately? I think I need to write more often, that way I'm not always playing catch up. Sometimes I just get so involved in life though that I have trouble remembering to record it.

Something happened the other night. Five nights ago, really. That fae who'd been bothering Jewell, Samael, was at it again. And God help me I followed him out because I was angry and feeling a fight. I threw a knife at him. Hit him. The bugger didn't even try to avoid it. But as my knife lodged in his chest, the strangest thing happened.. He magicked me.. And.. Gods this is hard to explain. Embarrassing.. I was so overcome with, well, I guess lust.. So much so that my knees buckled and I went sliding to the ground. I magicked a glass into oblivion. He came at me.. Touched my knife with his blood to my lips. And I thought he was going to kiss me, and I wanted it, Gods I wanted it. He didn't, thank goodness.. I don't know what I would have done.. As it was, I had to run home to Alain.. Pretty much attacked him. I was irresponsible.. But I was so overwhelmed.. Anyway. Enough of that. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think that if I didn't get close enough to touch that I'd be okay. I've learned my lesson..

Alain's had his share of mystical bull too. I came home and found his bloody clothes on the floor, him in the shower. His.. Vampire part.. Came out to play while he was chasing someone. He bit him.. Killed him. I don't really know what to do to help him.. I just tried to be there. To let him know that I don't care.. I mean, how can I really get mad at him for mystical stuff when I've got my own magical issues to deal with. The pot calling the kettle black isn't what I want in our relationship. I really need to learn it.. Get it under control.. I got cut up by the shattering glass. So did Samael, but.. I think he liked it a lot better than I did.. He took my knife.. But again, enough.

I've been so off the past few days. Jittery. I feel like there's something I want, but I'm not sure what. My concentration is off, too..

January 31, 2008

Don't have much time, on a break. It's not looking good for peace right now..

I need to get back to rounds..

March 15, 2008

I got a puppy. A border collie. I named her Lizzie, after Queen Elizabeth I, that saucy wench. I think she'll be good company. She's rather chubby and fuzzy right now, but she'll grow up and thin out as she loses her puppy fat. And she's just damn adorable.

I didn't stay the night with Alain last night.. I left after.. Well. I left in the middle of the night. I was just laying there and my heart was beating so fast still and I wanted to curl up with him and sleep. But I didn't want to.. I mean, we talked, and he made it clear enough that he doesn't want to move in together. And I just had to get away from him, to get away from myself. He was confused, but he didn't say anything. And so I went home, and I fell asleep in my own bed, alone except for Lizzie, who snuck up there with me.

April 26, 2008

I still like it too much.. It still hurts too much.. Talking to him..

He finally confided his business in me. At least, I think he was honest this time. He's afraid it'll kill him. I told him I would help, but that I had to know what was going on. He said he didn't want to put me at risk. Well, I can't help if I don't know what's going on. It would be so much riskier for me to walk into something blind. And I told him as much. And I think maybe it got through. So I hope he was honest about everything.. It's going to be a tricky game and it could get us both killed.. I need to know what I'm walking into. We're going to have a private meeting Monday at 5:30. The porch of the RDI wasn't exactly the ideal place to discuss the details.

AJ thinks I should take a vacation.. It's tempting after I wrap up some of the business.. Just get away from things. From Alain. From myself maybe.

Shortly after arriving back home:

I don?t know why I was surprised, but this little book was right where I left it all those years ago. I probably should have just bought a new one. New journal for new me. But honestly, I don?t really feel all that shiny or fresh or anything you should feel with a new you. Am I even really a new me? I thought I was, but with Michael gone, I don?t know.

I needed to be somewhere with people tonight. Somewhere with life. I went to the Inn. It was so strange in that it was so much the same as it was four years ago. Except that I would have been one of those girls drinking and laughing and playing. Instead I stayed separate. Apart from people as best I could. I needed to be around it, but I couldn?t be a part of it. I just, I don?t know. I guess I don?t know anything anymore.

I probably should get a new one of these.

These are continuations from the last few entries. A few are still undated and a few will be dated, that way there's a frame of reference for when these were taking place
Gideon was at the Inn last night. He didn?t see me at first; he seemed quite involved in his conversation, so I left him to it. When he did see me though, he hugged me so hard and kissed me. He was genuinely pleased to see me, I think, and he missed me. It?s probably a little strange, but I did miss him too. Our relationship, or whatever, was turbulent, I guess. I?m surprised he?s still here. He never did seem like the settle down type. But I guess we all have to stop somewhere some time. Have to stop running, even from yourself. I thought I had, more than once.