I find my thoughts today clear as they have not been in weeks. The days that have passed since my parting of the ways with Earendur have been eventful to say the least. The decision to part with him was not easy. It tore at my heart. I could not live my life as though I were a captive in my own home simply because of his fears for my safety and his unreasonable desire to shelter me.

He never took the time to understand me, and I do not belive he ever would have for all his insitance that he would have changed his world to suit me. To be treated like a possesion by one who claims that I am the most important thing in his world. That he would be constantly pushing me to live with the elves, where I felt nothing but fear and nervousness infuriated me. Did he not care at all about my feelings? Did he truely think I would be more comfortable there than in my own home simply because he believed it safer?

Partings bring new beginings and suprises, the babe whos birth I was so eager for, the little life that is all that keeps me going, is not as I had belived Earendurs child. This fact brings me a rather confusing sense of relief.

My feelings for Lord Longden, the babe's father, are no less confused than my feelings for Earen, but they do not tear at my heart and soul the way that he did. Tal treats me well. I have the freedom of the castle within reason and use of M'lords coach or any horse in the stables, as long as I do not go riding alone. He allows me to chose my own companion though which pleases me. I most often take the little lady's maid that Tal had sent to see to my comfort and well being after my first eve in Longden castle.

She is a gentle creature and seems truely pleased about the baby. They call her Lillia a name that truely suits her quiet nature. We spend long hours talking and she helps me sort through the overwhelming morass and mire that are my emotions. Lillia says her sister was a midwife, and that she said that the babe most like is the source of what seems unreasonable shifts in mood in me. I hope as time passes that these wild swings will smooth and my temper will even out.

Tomorrow Lillia and I will ride to the marketplace, I wish to find a wedding gift for M'lord Longden, I may be coming into this marriage a bride of duty, but I will be damned to hell before My child suffers because my husband and I can not even be civil to each other. I intend to put every effort into making this work for my babe's sake.

LRW

Lillia looks as though she would happily strangle me, M'lord and I just returned from town, and she is not pleased to be informed that I have less than an hour to dress before Talomar and I are to leave for dinner in town. Shes fretting over the gowns provided by the castle seamstress as though its an impossible choice even though I already told her what I wished to wear.

I gave my intended the gift purchased for him in the marketplace yesterday, the little gold pocket watch with the engraved eagle, a rose in its talons, and it truely seemed to please him. Lillia is still upset at the hours we spent searching for just the right token.

I do hope Talomar lifts the watch back and reads the inscription there it expains the meaning of the gift quite simply. The clockmaker sugested flowery poetry and words of love, but I chose instead the simple inscription "TL, I give you the gift of time, LRW"

And now Lilia is menacing me with a silver hairbrush, it seems my time for thought has run out!

LRW

Last eve Talomar showed me the castle chapel. It is a spooky place. Tal said there were rumors of the room being haunted. But as haunted as it feels, it will be a beautiful place for the wedding. One look and I was already seeing it decorated for a celebration. Actually for many celebtations.

First the wedding, I saw the pews draped in deep red velvet to match the carpeting, with shawls of white lace added to lighten the color. I intend to make gifts of the shawls to each of the women in the castle after the ceremony, A gesture that I hope M'lord will find pleasing.

I want to hang garlands braided of ivy and white and gold ribbons everywhere, and line the center aisle of the chapel with roses, white near the doors, then the crimson edged white ones, then deep red ones near the altar. In the little spaces before each of the windows I would love to put cages filled with pairs of white doves, if such a thing can be obtained on short notice.

I've made a list of these things and given it to Philippe and the men who are to clean and deccorate the chapel. Philippe of course frowned dissaproveingly, most likely about the birds. But I find I do not care this time. I wish every thing about that day to be perfect for Talomar and I.

Lillia needs me for another fitting of my wedding gown now. The girl has done a marvelous job of matching the roses embroidered on the hem of the train to the ones on the gown. I think Talomar will be left breathless when I walk into the chapel!

LRW

I find myself unable to stop weeping, I have just returned from the Red Dragon, where I had gone in search of Gavilean to give him a gift, in thanks for his willingness to be a part of my wedding despite the ill will between him and my beloved. At the Inn, I was introduced to Gav's intended, who proceeded to malign my character the moment my back was turned.

My beloved had made another sweet gesture, inviting Gav and Inara to spend the night before the wedding at Castle Longden with us. Inara was most hateful when speaking of m'lord, saying things that while I have no doubt that they have some grain of truth, where nonetheless intended solely to hurt and insult me. Why else would one who makes her fortunes selling her body take such delight in telling me of Tal's request that she share his bed?

Talomar is a powerful man with a man's appitites, and while I could wish a bit more discretion on his part, I will not deny him the solace of a womans companionship. He fears to make demands on me because of the babe, though I would happily spend many hours in his bed if he were only to ask. Discrete affairs are the way of a man of power, And that whore will not destroy things by inplying that my love has done wrong.

The tone she took when she believed I had departed, was most disturbing whispering in Gavileans ear of imagined faults in my character. She does not know me, and to spread such acting as if she did, is nothing but cruel rumor mongering! I hate her with a passion!

And of course Gavilean sees nothing wrong in her behavior scolding me for not simply allowing her insults to pass! That he would be so blind to her character distresses me. I hate her I hate her I hate her!

Philippe is at the door with more last minute details for the wedding... I believe I shall demand he take me to Tal. I need the safety of my husband's arms around me.. perhaps that will soothe these tears away.

LRW

Time passes so swiftly of late that I barely note things that I should remember. I feel so listless and weary of late. The babe is growing well, and the redecoration of the castle goes smoothly, but I find I have no enthusiasm for the project anymore. What does it matter? Talomar only praises my work faintly then hurries off with Maria on more business.

I think my expanding form must disgust my lord husband, for he seems to have lost all interst in sharing my bed of late. His claims of his being worried about tiring me because of the child are becoming reppetative and unbeliveable for that very fact.

The only pleasure I find of late is my daily rides through the forest, though even that has palled somewhat since last weeks incident. I had decided to stable my horse at the inn and walk a bit. About ten minutes into the treeline, the forest suddenly grew silent. I was looking for a bird to query what was happening, when there was a rush of sound. The next thing I remember was a blinding pain in my head, and stumbling into the inn to find Maria.

I must have lost conciousness while I was there for when I woke Maria was gone, leaving me alone in the inn. I don't know what became of the groom who was assigned to ride with me that night, when I stumbled out to the stables to collect my horse he was gone. When I returned home Lillia tended me and got me into bed, and sent for the healer to check the lump on my head. She told me the next morning that my purse had been emptied, and the moonstone band that my love had gifted me for our wedding was missing. Tal will be most upset about that.

Lillia is here with my lunch, since the incident in the woods shes been acting like a guilt stricken mother hen. She fusses more than usual so I had best go eat before she drives me mad with her nagging.

LRL