Topic: In the diary of Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-05-31 04:05 EST

Jade found a old notebook, clean and barely used, laying under her bed. She looked through it, noticed a few lil drawings here and there and a list of things to bake and get from town. She smiled at the drawings - most poking innocent fun at her friends. Then she frowned as she picked up a pen and and laid on her bed, thinking of all the things she could write.

She set pen to paper and started writing.

"Jadey's journal.
-Entry 1.

Dear ... Journal? Diary... maybe?,
All the things I write will be heart-felt, but not pretty.
And for prying eyes, you've been warned. But read on if you wish. My life is on display already.

The things I've done lately... have been less than innocent.
I'm ashamed, but I've never regretted anything I've ever done and I won't start here.
Maybe I do these things out of lack of love. I'm surrounded by love-birds and feel oh so let down.
But the funny thing is I just let go of an engagement - a promise and a key to happiness. Damn my forsaken heart for letting go of love. But that feeling is coming back... but for a person I know who could get much better. Much better than a ran-down whoring vampiress.
Oh, sleeping with two different guys in three days? That's going to look good on my already steep record. And flirting with many more men in the time spand of breaking off the engagement, oh that's going to look nice too. It just makes me look desperate and willing. But maybe I am after all these years?
Two-hundred years of love-less nights and maybe I'm getting the attention I deserve. Bad attention is still attention.
Call the press, inform the attorites: I've finally given up on love and I'm just out for a good time. Maybe I'll even give that damn blogger some real gossip.
Who knows, only time will tell. I'll just prolly end up knocked up and end up on the RhyDin verson of Jerry Springer. That would be fun.

Not to mention that I have demonic lawyers trying to kill me... now that is for another entry in itself.
Eh, that and more in another entry... I'm out to bed.
Kisses!
-Jadey."

She set the pen down and stuffed the notebook back under her bed. Jade peeled back the covers and settled in. After a few restless minutes, she finally somehow fell asleep.

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-06-01 13:24 EST

Jade couldn't sleep early afternoon. She had a hangover from helllll. So, she decided to whip out that new journal thing.
Pen in hand... Writing soon followed.

"Dear Diary,
Mood: Apathetic.
My life is spiralling downward.
I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert.
It sucks because they play some of my favorite song like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love you' and 'Rip Apart My Soul'... and of course 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab'.
It doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either, like that guy from that band can do.
Some days, you know....

Anyway!
Jadey's Journal
- Entry 2.

Dear whoever I'm talking to,
Last night I got drunk off my ass.... again. Thank god Brian came to the inn before I went home with someone again to a night filled with drunken sex that I wouldn't remember no how.
I don't want to see another SkullCrusher.... ever. *sigh* Hang overs aren't fun.

Lawyers are open season in RhyDin.... How awesome! Yep, the damn samn lawyers that took Icer's brother Tass. Such a shame, they took the man while he was weak. Kick a man while they're down why don't cha! That really kicks my curb! And I got a broken jaw for helping get him back. (Which.... he isn't back. >_< They still have em.) I mean, I would have helped fight for him no matter what... it just sucks that I got my jaw broken. I'll kill that Dewey if that's the last thing I do. ....More on this topic yet again later.

Oh yes! That smartass kid who I kicked his ass.... Wellz.... what night was it?.... Wensday?... Tuesday?.... Hm... whatever night it was... Gabe was back talkin and making an idiot of himself... and I tought him a lesson. Don't mess with me. Anywho, I wasn't plannin to kill him or nothing... but some other people were! And I get shot while tryin to save the poor kid! Geez... Can I not get a break here?

Later love.
Kisses!
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-02 13:26 EST

Jade dug in a box she was unpacking in Gabe's house and she came across her diary. She read the last entry's last paragraph and went "Ugghh". Oh how so many things have changed since she last wrote in it.
So with shifty eye glancing left and right, she plopped down on the bed and began writing.

"-Entry 3

Atreyu - Shameful

You should have ran for days,
you embrace, you betray
I am sick to say, you're a sad cliche
but when you ran you tripped and fell
on a path that led you straight to hell
this is the salt in your wounds
this is my I told you so.

If you knew, what I know
would you move, like you do
with malicious discontent you went about,
hell bent to destroy but did you have a reason why.

Here's to lowering caskets of old friends,
through choice and consequence we'll birth a new day
with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)
here's to burying hatchets with those
who you'd never call your friends
we'll birth a new day with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)

Can you breathe in, reach in, and let it out?
The evil inside, thats eating you out, tonight.
With every venomous move, I will suck you up and spit you
get out of my life, get out of my sight.

Here's to lowering caskets of old friends,
choice and consequence we'll birth a new day
with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)
here's to burying hatchets in those
who you'd never call your friends
we'll birth a new day with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)

You let yourself get carried away.
Don't act like you're ashamed.
You let yourself get carried away.
Bow your head now accept the blame.
You let yourself get carried away.
Bury this with you a waste.

Now its time to see, what you don't mean to me.

Here's to lowering caskets of old friends,
choice and consequence, we'll birth a new day
with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)
here's to burying hatchets in those
who you'd never call your friends
we'll birth a new day with the death of an old and (Start over, start over)

Dear Diary:
Wow... How dusty have you gotten the past month! Well, not all that much, considering all the moving and such.
I'm in a state of tizzy. I should be happy, but I'm not. Well, I am... and not. One side wants to go to the left, then the another wants to go to the right... then another side jus wants to be left out of the whole thing.

Here's the low-down, Gabe and I are engaged. Yes, many things have changed since I've last written. And Bob is back. What's better is that they hate each other. Well, let's put it this way - Bob doesn't hate Gabe personally, he jus hates his actions - and wants to kill him. Le sigh?
I love Gabe and I love Bob. Well, er... in a friend way towards Bob. Whatever is a girl to do?

The papers and Franco all say that this, whatever *this* is between Gabe and I, won't last. Oh did I mention that the wedding date is the 24th of December? Christmas Eve. I'm happy... but... oh so very confused. I was more or less shocked when Gabe asked me. It was on one of my "Emotional" days.
See... there was this guy Mav and he was sweet on me. (Okay, Gabe and I hadn't been dating in a month or less. But we were "Friendly".) But then he and Bob started talking. All hell broke lose. I'm not going to write down what all happened cuz frankly I don't remember nor want to write it. I jus told Alana (oh I forgot to say she stepped in to help.) I was sick of love and I was giving up. She told me no that there was someone out there for me. Thus, I told her I still loved Gabe. Yes, you may think I'm talking crazy talk, because the last time I wrote in here I didn't love him - I hated him.

So blah-de-blah tears were spilled, Gabe was summoned, I told him I loved him, tears, blah, he told me he still loved me, blah, tears, he asked me to marry him, I said yes, Nexus attack.
But was it jus the heat of the moment? Could I have even said no to him? In the state I was in? No.

But when I sit here, thinking things over - I don't know if I'm ready. The lord knows that I'll make a horrible wife. I know that. But I can't back down now. I couldn't hurt Gabe like that, not again. And the truth is out, everyone knows that we're engaged. It was in the Oracle, it was in Franco's blog. (Speaking of the Oracle! My muffins were featured in a small article as well! I rawk THAT hard!) And in each one, they doubted that I would go through with it. If I broke it off, that'd jus be playing right into their hands. Telling me a big 'I told you so'.

I don't know what to do! I don't know if I'll ever be ready to settle down. Will I ever give up my ways? All I do know is that I have nearly 4 months to think things ever and decide. I guess it was fun being Jade... no worries, no relationships. But now it's all over. I got a man now. At least I won't have to look far for a peice of ass - and he comes willingly.
But I'm starting to think that's all he's using me for. A peice of ass who readily gives it to him and arm candy. Isn't that all he's used me for? Does he really know love? Look at all the girls he's told that to before. No one wants us together. Well, except for Alana. God bless my rehab sister. But really, do either of us truely knoe 'love'? Seriously, I've been around 200 years and still no luck. Left a slue of Feincees in my wake too. Poor Saps. Poor Gabe. Poor me! When I comes to men, I'm cold hearted.
Maybe I should jus jump into this marriage full force and hope for the best. Maybe I should shut the hell up and stop worrying so damn much.

The only thing I can think right now is: EGAGBLEHsummabitchhitmewithafryingpanfromheeeeeell lllllllllllll!
Exactly what I'm thinking.
One thing after another.

Maybe I should go sleep for 100 years. Then all my problems would be gone. (Well, maybe not Bob. I don't know how long abyssals live. But it's long I tell ya. He's been around since God said "Let there be light!" Then there was light and mother fucking Bob!) Ugh. No I couldn't do that.

I feel like hitting myself in the head... with something hard. Frying pan? Oh and isn't it so much better that the Red is attacking my sanity? Gabe saw it... The Red. In my eyes, in my bite. Thus is another reason why I HATE relationships. Maybe I should let the Red take over and join up with Bob completely. He knows I'm too strong for that.
But he is making a Jade-bot thing and it sounds UBBER cool. I swear to godz I have A.D.D....

I'm out for now. My brain hurts from thinking.

Eternally Confused.
Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade pull the notebook down and slid it in a lower drawer in the nightstand. Hopefully Gabe wouldn't go snooping through her stuff.

She came out of the bedroom yelling, "Where's my Mr. Dewey Plushie?! I need something to stab! Stabby Rip Stab Stab!!"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-06 17:46 EST

Here goes nothing as she dug in her bedside table's drawers for her diary. She needed to write before she went out and about for the day.
Jade plopped down on the bed and started writing.

"-Entry 4

Fergie - Big girls don't cry

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Dear Diary:

Hugs and kisses for all. ... Or not.
Ugh... I think this engagement was the worst idea EVER. I mean, it's nothing with Gabe or anything - he's great. It's me. I'm the worst feincee ever. I've made out with Darren sooo many times behind Gabe's back. I've even made him brale twice! Ugh... I'm hopeless. I wonder if I confess my sins to Gabe if he'll break off the wedding. Prolly not, he loves me too much.

Ain't that a kick in the ass? He'd probably say that all the things I did with Darren falls under Part 1 of the Engagement Document that I can flirt with guys at the Inn still. Well, it's not like I screwed Darren yet. Maybe if I tell Gabe that I made out with Bob he'll break up with me. Lord knows how bad he hates Bob. Bob is evil enough to back even though we never did anything. Lord knows how much Bob hates the fact I'm engaged to Gabe. Ugh! Maybe I'll even be evil enough to tell him I screwed Bob. ... Prolly not that evil. It depends on how bad he takes it when I tell him I kissed Bob.

I don't want to be in this. Maybe I'll just tell Gabe that we can just date instead of tieing the knot. I don't like it when people I like are mad at me, and he'd prolly get ubber pissed off at me for even asking that. Whatever is a girl to do?

I mean, I love him - blah blah blah. But I'm just not ready. What will happen when Gabe grows old and dies ... leaving me young and alone? I'm not ready to settle, I'm not ready for true love. I mean... I'd like true love - But I'm just not ready. A fling is love enough for me, right? Do I really love him? I think I do... But am I just blinded by feelings brought up so fast as I was thrown into things? Why couldn't he have asked some other time?

Oh... and Darren stole my FAV Jade-Zilla hoodie! And he kept sniffing it last night. That 'lil weirdo!
Ugh! Men!
But Bob gave me a new hoodie! Woo!

Kisses!
- Jadey"

She stuffed her notebook into the drawer and she was off to find trouble.

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-07 17:45 EST

Jade did more shuffling in her nightstand and dug out her diary. She's been writing in it a lot lately. Hmm, odd.

Soon, she plopped down on the bed and began writing.

"-Entry 5

Atreyu - Ex's and Oh's

You took me home,
I drank too much
Cause of you my liver turned to dust
Cold rust tastes
Cold creeping cold pain
Do you understand what I mean?
When you feel your soul drop to the floor
Like a hole
Like an open bleeding sore
Then you'll have bled like I bled
And you'll have wept as I've wept

Suck me down, it's time to rock and roll
Lets hit the bar, lets lose control
One false move, you took me home
One false move, and you're all alone

But it looks so good and it feels so nice
I paid the price
I'll cut you out just to hear you scream,
Get away from, get away from me
And I can feel my heartbeat racing,
As I realize what I must do
Get away from,
Get away from,
Get away from you

I should have turned and ran like hell
Last time I got a taste of you
I should have turned and ran like hell
And I'll say we're through
I should have turned and ran like hell
last time I got a taste of you
I should have turned and ran like hell
And I'll say we're through
And I'll say we're through

You fell upon me like a plague
Weakness sweet weakness
But I digress
After all this...
You're just like all the rest

Suck me down
It's time to rock and roll
Let's hit the bar, let's lose control
One false move, you took me home
One false move, you're all alone

Dear Diary:

Well, nothing much to talk about really.
I can in the Inn yesterday looking for some trouble.
... I didn't find any. Well, I almost did. Gabe was there, but he was taken away via the nexus. ugh! *sniffle Sniffle* Poor me. I had to spend my time explaining to this girl Miko what dragons and vampires were. Come on, doesn't everybody know what they are? This is RhyDin for god's sake! And I am a Vampiress! Jeez. But overall Miko is a nice girl - ignorant, but nice. And I had to explain to her what an engagement and a wedding was. Oi.

Speaking of weddings - I missed Koy's wedding Sunday when I went back to Bon Temps. (More on that in a Sec.) I heard the wedding was pretty awesome. Too bad I missed it. Darren wanted Uriko and I to be his dates to the wedding. Uriko was just his date. I wuld have gone with him if I could have gone to the wedding. But Gabe would have gotten pissed off if I did. Ugh! But I didn't!

Oh, well on to what I went to Bon Temps about. I didn't really go to Bon Temps - I went to Shiverport to help Mark with Fangsta. He has been put in charge now that Eric is gone. I hop The Queen staked his ass. Long story. All is well at Fangsta. Mark hasn't wrecked the place... yet. *hee hee* I don't think he will. He's a good kid.

I'm out for now!
Kisses
-Jadey"

And after she signed her named she stuffed the notebook in the nightstand and went off to do something... devious. Mua ha ha!

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-09 18:20 EST

After Gabe went away to do whatever mayhem, Jade got up and started writing.

"-Entry 6

Linkin Park - Leave out all the rest

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest

Dear Diary:

Who's a thunk that 'lil ol' fire-cracker me would ever be terribly afriad of someone other than myself? A chick for that matter.
But it's just not any chick - she's Renna.

And after witnessing some, not even all, of her power - I think I have a reason to be scared shitless.
It all started because she wanted to... eat me. Not munch in a good way either, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to get into it with her even if she would have been talkin about that. Then cue the heroic music, Brian and Gabe came to the rescue before Renna could do anything to me. Though, I think Bri fought her for many other reasons other than me. If I were to go on a backstory on this whole notebook would be filled with Ravenlocke history that started waaaay before I was around RhyDin. And most I don't even know about.
But still, even if Bri went full force into that fight for me or other reasons, I gotta give that boy props. He alone has helped me out more here. I don't think I could repay him enough... ever. And if ya think about it... Almost all of RhyDin should give him props for all the stuff he's done for people. Ya know how many asses would be grass without him? Mother fuckers say thank you!
And we all know Gabe was in it that fight protecting me. It should make me happy, but it makes me sad that someone would risk their lives for me. Me, Really? I'm a pretty bad thing to die for. Ugh.

And then somewhere in the fight Renna said to Brian she wanted to rape me. Renna is actually crueler than Bob. Bob may be evil, but he'd never rape anyone. The notion that anyone trying to do that to me never really scared me before, because I knew I could fend for myself. But with Renna I know that if I try to fight back it wouldn't do any good, and the thought chills me to the bone.

Then after the main battle stopped Bri and Ren were talking. The conversation I dare not put down for Bri's sake. He says Renna won't try to hurt me anymore. But she said if only I'd give her a kiss. So I guess I'm stuck kissing her. I wonder if it's a trap. If I kiss her will unimaginable evil seep into me? If I don't kiss her will she continue to try to come after me?

I don't know what's wrong with me. This is the first time in a long time that I'm truely afriad of someone other than myself. Gabe swore to protect me... but what if he's not there to save me from the hands of evil? I'll cowar in fear. Hide within myself and hope for the best outside.

Oh, and because of this intense fear... the dreams - nightmares have come back. Not the red, just the dreams. They aren't memories, but I feel like I'm living them. I woke up early and Gabe was still asleep. My head was still on his chest. Apparently I sleep with my head on his chest litening to his heart beat all night. But it was also apparent when last night's dreams took place, I clawed at his shides. Trying to get out of the dream? I left long scratch marks at his sides. Hopefully if I don't bring them up he'll think it was from a wild night. He gets bruises all the time from our episodes. I won't tell him about the dream either. We have enough things to worry about at the moment. Soon after a short time has passed, the fears will go away and so will the dreams letting me go back to normal.
Well, normal enough for me.

Kisses
- Jadey"

She stuffed the notebook away and got dressed. And out she was.

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-13 18:28 EST

Jade pulled her notebook out of the moving box, plopped herself on her old bed in the villa and started to write.

"- Entry 7

Godsmack - Bad Magick

If it feels so bad...
Bad magick playing off of me.
Oh no, I don't wanna be your friend.
Bad magick laying into me.
Oh no...
I don't wanna hear it again.

Dear Diary:

Well, nothing much to say.

Gabe found us a nice spot in the country to build our new house. I think he started a day ago. Oh, I forgot to mention that Bob blew up Gabe's safehouse. Not to safe now was it?
I don't know, it was over some war thing Gabe started with the Bonny Corp. Why? I have no clue. Personally, I have nothing against them. I'm not getting into this. Though I do think Gabe has since dropped out of the "war". But I don't think think that Bonny Corp. was really the problem. It was prolly because they were in co-hoots with Bob. Well, I'm in co-hoots with Bob and he hasn't tried killing me for it - though he has tried talking me out of it many a time.
Anywho, But when Gabe attacked Bonny Corp., Bob just blew up. Thus, he blew up the house. Well, I can't really blame him. Gabe shouldn't have attacked Bonny Corp. It was stupid, but I forgive him. We're staying at the Villa for the time being. It's really kinda cool going back. Even though I won't admit it, I did miss it.

The nightmares have relentlessly gone away, for now. I think they may come back... I hope not. Renna looked at me yesterday, eyes full of hungry intent. Thank God Icer was there to take me to the Hall... or who knows what would have happened. Well, nothing except for me shivering to death from Renna's gaze. So cold.
But I'm not going to worry about it right now, I've got too much to worry about as it is.
Hope for the best and just forget about it.

Kisses
- Jadey"

She stuffed it back into her box o' goodies and went to get ready for trouble.

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-21 17:40 EST

Jade plopped onto the bed and started writing.

"-Entry 8

Seether - Truth

If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I'm closer to wrong
I'm no further from right
And now I'm, convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me, yeah
No there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie
But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised
And now I'm, deprived of my conscience and something's got to give
Deprived of my conscience, this all belongs to me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I'm, convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside you're so much more than me, yeah

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

I'm beaten down

Dear Diary:

Well, wouldn't ya know it - Gabe and I are OVER!! I made it offical by burning down the house he built us. Nice, ain't I?
God Damnit, he deserved it. Telling Nero he was willing to kill me to get to who? Her! Don't EVEN get me started on that.

Somewhere I heard that he didn't really say that. But right now I don't
I don't fucking care. No way I'm taking him back again. He was too much of a hassle to begin with. I should have killed him when I had the chance. It would have taken away half of my problems. Gawd!

And to top it off, Bob is GONE! For good! (or at least for the time.) Because of the influx of idiots like Gabe, Bob up and made his own grave! I seriously hate them now. I hope they're happy, cuz I sure ain't!

Oh, and I saw Robert the other night. He's still kinda mad that I left him "high and dry". Well, I still can't remember anything about leaving him "high and dry". I never really flat out stated that it was over between us. Frankly, I don't remember seeing him after our little "date" of sorts. I just really gave up on him and started getting tied up with Gabe. Shit happens. So he musta heard from Stephen or something that I had gotten a new lover and thought it was over between us.
Well, Lord knows I can't wait forever! But I should have waited. I've always liked Robert more. It's just something about him that makes me swoon. Ugh... whatever a girl to do?

The good thing is that he still has hope for a second chance. And now that Gabe is out of the way - forever - that can happen. But he's going back to sea soon... and the Lord also knows that we're both very unfaithful. Maybe it's time to hang up my hat and call it quits. But that's not it my nature. What am I to do?!

I seriously want to curl up and die. Maybe it's like I told Chris the other night, one night stands are enough lovin' for me.
Right? Aren't they?

I want to settle down. But that's not in my nature either, nor in the nature of the men I'm interested in. I lust for Darky. So we're friends with "benifits". But he doesn't really count. I only lust for him, nothing more. I mean I care for him... but I wouldn't ever love him.
Though I secretly love Robert... I hate to admit it... It's just odd. I think he secretly loves me back... But I think our natures are so much alike that we can't be together. Funny, huh? We both love one night stands that we couldn't give it up, even for each other. And I know that he would get pretty lonely on the sea and bang some chicks. Oh, there I go again, getting ahead of myself. Gawd! I'm hopeless. It just felt like he was my equal... Le sigh.

Maybe I am lookin for love.
I should go on one of those reality hook up shows. I'll call it "Muffin of Love with Jadey Eli Ravenlock Rogue". Oh, that'd go over well!

Kisses,
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-08-25 17:40 EST

Writing... more... writing.

"-Entry 9

Marilyn Manson - You and Me and The Devil makes 3

I'm just like rolling a stone up
A hill in Hades
If you want to lie with me
You're going to be a liar

Hell-flavored, I've got mood poisoning
You must be something that I hate
I'm just a prison of property
Buckets full of better misery
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
There's not a word for what I want to do to you

You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me
You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me

Murdercute happyrape
Murdercute happy, happy, happyrape
Killer
Murdercute happyrape
Murdercute happy, happy, happyrape
Killer

Watch out your face
My sperm's cold as ice
Bouquet of knives,
Killer

Watch out your face
My sperm's cold as ice
Bouquet of knives,
Killer

You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me
You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me
1-2-3
1-2-3
If you get in bed someone will fall in love
You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me and the devil makes 3
You and me and the devil makes 3
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
There's not a word for what I want to do to you

If you get in bed someone will fall in love
You and me and the devil makes 3

Dear Diary:

Eh, more blehh. Nothing exciting.

Oh my gawd! Is that chocolate on my bedspread?! Oh... no, it's blood. Must have spilled some. Ugh, now I gotta clean it...

Miss Yami & Alexy are getting pretty heavy. Shock gasp, I know! I wonder how Lain-doll feels about this... does she even know? I wonder if they were fighting. Hm. It's not my place to stick my nose into these kinda things. People do as people please. But Franco stuck his nose in for me! Ha. Yami/Alex/Lain got into the blog. I wonder how things will pan out. I mean, I'm close to both so I hope for the best. But the whole situation with Lain, things just seem off to me. Though, many a person has said the same thing about most of my actions - so I have no room to talk. Eh.

Oh, speaking of the Blog. I find the names Franco comes up with for us are funny. I'm Trash-tastic Jade. I used to be SLUTTY Jade. Trash-tastic is better than SLUTTY right? Alex is Dead-beat Dad Alex. And Jewell is Lil Miss Anger Management. I don't think Bri has a nickname. Maybe Franco likes him... or maybe Brian isn't cool enough. Yea, that's it. Ha ha. Either way, the Ravenlocks never get any slack.

Well, I'm not reall a Ravenlock. I snuck my way in a long while ago. It happens. Damnit, I got a wombat thrown on my head... I earned my right by now! But really, they all say that I'm a Ravenlock if there was one. Awwe. I love em! I'm good like that. Or they felt bad for me and just let me in. How sad would that be. Hee hee.

I can't wait 'til Jen has the twins! They are gunna be SO cute! I saw her a few days ago and she looked like she was about to pop. So it will be any day now... or second. That boy Brian best call me when the babies come! I'll be one pissed Jadey if he doesn't.

Oh... and I'm about tired of all these idiots. One after another! And one was trying to get me to date him. That's a no go. And I was trying to be nice to him and he just wouldn't get the hint! UGH! I'm about to give the fuck up on this town. If it wasn't for some people, I'd be long gone. This dumbass Ensherio ... or something like that.. dragon slaver was trying to snatch some girl up... While I was tending bar! Yer kiddin me right? Everyone knows that's a no no. I will get involved. So I put a force field around her and someone took her to their room. I don't know if the girl ended up being okay or not cuz I left.
But the good thing was that I net a nice older man. I got him a room and such at the Inn. He's new to RhyDin and I welcomed him. I think he said his name was Josip. I think he's from a old timey realm cuz he talked like that old english stuff. He was really taken aback at my welcome and niceness. Well, I am the one person welcome comittee. See, I met a nice and dandy guy. Ya give and ya take.

But I dunno why some people have such a problem with me. Maybe they never take the time to get to know me. I am nice! Le sigh. I'm only bad in the love department... which I can get really mean and harsh in. But I don't have to worry about that for now cuz I'm not getting involved with anyone for a long while.

I'm getting what's coming to me - to be alone.

Kisses
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-03 12:14 EST

- Entry 10

Flyleaf - All Around Me

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say
We are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand I give it you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

Dear Diary:

Jeez have I been lazy. I haven't written in a while.

Oh! Yami and Alex are getting MARRIED!! I know, whoa. But they are soooo good together. It's almost too cute! I'm soooooo going if I can.

Jewell got arrested the other day. Yea... Holy crow. Not really... but ya know. It was cuz she threw a chalkboard at Darren. WTF, right? I've done SO much worse and nothing ever happened. Maybe I'm just lucky. Lucky? HA! But it's okay, Jewelly is out now.

And I found a talking wolf. His nane is Kiji... Well, I think it's a wolf. Heh heh. Cool, huh? After I got passed the first "OMG It's a talking wolf" thoughts, it was so cool.

Ooooooh, big news here. Michale and I are back together. Yea... I lied about not getting into another relationship...
I hadn't seen him in so long! It was kinda sad what happened to him. He slept with his boss (Who I'm assuming was a woman. Please god, please let it be.) and then the sorry whore fired him! He had to sell everything, his house, his clothes, even the motorcycle he loved so much. He had nothing. So I offered him a spot at my place.

I mean, it was the least I could do. I've always been nice to him. We didn't end bitterly. When I broke things off, I wasn't mad - I was sad. I had been gone for so long, I wasn't sure how I felt about things. But I knew for his sake that we shouldn't be engaged.

After that, he never really came around anymore. Everyonce and a while. I changed, but he never really did.

So the other night, we actually had time to talk. He almost refused to stay with me because he thought I was engaged to Gabe. I told him how things went down. After that, he agreed to stay. We talked more and come to find out that he didn't sell the engagement ring I'd given back to him. He gave it back to me to keep. Later he told me that he never really got over me.
I fumbled over my words.

After all this time and he still loved me? Utterly amazing. I mean, and we never even had sex. (Impossible, right?) We came close... but... yea. But at least I know its not that like it was with Gabe. Michale told me it was unnconditional love.

I told him I couldn't love like I used to. And I stand by that. I know I don't want to get married or engaged ever ever again. (Not that I've been married, I just had enough engagements to last me 8 life-times.)

But its just odd. I'm happier when I'm around him... or waiting for him. I caught myself watching the door last night for him... so did Julie. I never watch... wait for a guy. But with him, its renewed hope. I'm happy just to be around him again.

Kisses
-Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-06 17:48 EST

"- Entry 11

Limp Bizkit - Faith

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has gotta body like me
But I gotta think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
Oh, but I need some time off
From that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
When that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showin you that door

Cuz I gotta have faith
Gotta have faith

Baby, I know youre askin me to stay
Say please, please, please dont go away
Cuz you're givin me the blues
Baby, you mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And another who tied me down to lover boy blues
Before this river becomes an ocean
Before you pick my heart up off the floor
When our love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you that door

I gotta have faith
Gotta have faith

Get the f--- up!
I gotta have faith
Faith

Dear Diary:

Eh.. Uh... I ran out of things to say.

I guess I'm glad I have someone to spend my nights with again. But I'm up most of the day when I can't sleep. I swear I'm getting more and more human as the days pass by. But Michale sleeps... like a rock... I barely get to see him awake. Le Sigh. Our schedules are so different from each other. Like by the time he gets up, I'm going to Bon Temps or something like that. Le Sigh... again.

Oh... I forgot to mention that the otherday I made a guardsman faint from my breasts. Yea, it was funny. But then I had to drag him into the inn so that the birds wouldn't pick his eyes out. He was kinda heavy.

Then there were random robot attacks in that very marketplace. The sound it made was like "PEW PEW PEW". So Icer tried to eat the dish like thingy the lazers came out of... but it didn't work and it moved and hit a bunch of "plundering" pirates.
When I say "plundering", I mean gay. They were in a bush "plundering" away. I will never think of make pirates alone together the same again. I'm scarred for life! FOREVA!

Anywho... Yea, that's about it.

Kisses
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-14 18:44 EST

"- Entry 12

Velvet Revolver - The Last Fight

Time feels like I've been back in jail
Like when I was doing time in the can
Spend all night on a bended knee
Just to beg for something to believe

Left home with a pack of clothes without a family tree
This fight could be the last fight
No giving and no winning
One time could be all the time
Should we decide to end the misery

Time heals all of the burned out bridges
Filled with nothing more more than misery
With the mask of the unbattled son
Trying to beg for something to believe

Left home with a pack of clothes without a family tree
This fight could be the last fight
No giving and no winning
One time could be all the time
Should we decide to end the misery

Breaking the chains of featherwights and giants
With the stain forever lasting liars
There afraid when we spit out the fire
And start living

This fight could be the last fight
No living and no winning
One time could be all the time
Should we decide to end the misery

This fight could be the last fight
No giving and no winning
One time could be all the time
Should we decide to end the misery

Dear Diary:

Fangsta has been HELL. Shaggy called the other night saying he needed help down in Shiverport. Guess... just guess why. Eric is coming back! NO! That Mother Fudger gets to come back early because the Queen got his mind wiped of any memory of ever trying to hurt me! He gets his mind wiped and I didn't! It's not fair! Why does he have to be one of the Queen's pets?! I think I have the right to whine like a 4 year old.

I think somehow I forgot to mention what Mark and I talked about when he came over to visit. Well, it was to tell me about the Eric situation. So yea, Eric is free and to top it off - I have to be nice to him, because he doesn't have a single memory or trying to get me enslaved. (It was because he couldn't have me.) Le sigh. It just gets better and better.

So I've been helping Mark set up and prepare the "Homecoming". The sickest part of the whole thing us that they put false memories in his head. Now he thinks that for months he hasn't been serving time, but rather helping the Queen with a new project. Totally not cool. Oh if luck could only be on my side. It's not.

The "Homecoming" is in a few days. I dread it so... to see him again... to be nice to him while reliving memories in my head that he should remember too and hate himself for. But Eric has always been the lucky one. Never me. Luckily for me, there is one thing I have the upper hand in. Eric will still have some painful memories... of lying, cheating on me behind my back. And he can't get me back - That causes the most pain.
So we will all plaster on fake smiles for the party, because we know why he was away and he doesn't. We know why we want to hate him - But can't because he hasn't the slightest clue.

Anywho, in other news. Okay, I seriously think that I can't get my choices of men right. I'm all happy and dandy the other night with Michale and the Brilliant Fantabulous Char comes in. Soon we start talking about this and that. Well, then she wants to have a "girlly talk". I think nothing of it and leave Michale for the moment to talk to her. So she starts with low voices on how she didn't think Michale was good enough for me and I needed to get a better man. I was speechless. Wouldn't you? Everyone else seems fine with him. Char was the last person I would have thought to say anything.
She said that she considers me as family and doesn't like to see me go fron man to man. I mean, so do I, But like I say time and time again - it's just not in the cards. But before the conversation could get any further, the Nexus swiped her. Le sigh. The next time I see her I'll have to talk to her.

I mean, I don't think Michale and I are really dating. I already told him that I wouldn't love.... Well, not in the way I used to. I guess it's just so I won't be alone. I'm a horrible person. I don't think I'll ever find the right guy to make it last with. Hm, it's funny to look back at all the guys I've left... all so willing to jump under a bus for me. I just couldn't feel the same...

I think I know my greatest fear

... to be alone the rest of my cold existance.

Kisses
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-16 17:30 EST

"- Entry 13

Against Me! - Thrash Unreal

If she wants to dance and drink all night
then there?s no one that can stop her.
She?s going until the house lights come up
or her stomach spills onto the floor.
This night is going to end when we?re damn well ready
for it to be over.
Worked all week long
now the music is playing on our time.
We do what we do to get by,
and then we need a release

You get mixed up with the wrong guys.
You get messed up on the wrong drugs.
Sometimes the party takes you places
that you didn?t really plan on going.
When people see the track marks on her arms
she knows what they?re thinking.
She keeps on working for that minimum,
as if a high school eductaion offered any other options.
They don?t know nothing about redemption.
They don?t know nothing about recovery.
Some people just aint the type for marriage and family.

No mother ever dreams
that her daughters going to grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams
that her daugherrs going to grow up to sleep alone.

She?s out of step with the style.
She don?t know where the actions happening.
You know the downtown club scene
aint nothing like it used to be.
You reach a point where there?s not a lie in the world
that you could use to make the boys
believe your still in you twenties.
She?s not waitng for them to come over
and ask for the privledge.
She can still hear that Rebel Yell
just as loud as it was in 1983.
There aint no Johnny coming home
to share a bed with her and she doesn?t care.

No mother ever dreams
that her daughters going to grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams
that her daughters going to grow up to sleep alone.
If she had to live it all over again
you know she wouldn?t change anything for the world.

Dear Diary:

Yesterday was ... tiring to say the least. Oh, I was just all fine and dandy in the inn when I started to hear bones breaking outside. At first I thought I was going crazy, ya know? I mean it is likely one of these days. So anyway, I go outside to nose around. Low and behold guess who was outside. Guess. It was Michale fighting so lycan Oh just great. Me + Lycan = bad. I had lycans. Yuck!

Well, I get into fighting mode and Michale passes out and falls from a tree. Dernit! I caught hin, all hell broke loose, blah blah blah. Okay, in the end Michale killed him... then passed out again. So I had to haul his tush to the Villa. Ya know, if I wasn't a vampire he mighta been heavy. He healed up okay... then the Nexus stole him. Grrrrand.

Before Michale was stolen via the Nexus, some guy knocked on the door. He was asking if I had seen Julie yesterday. I didn't think anything of it. (Boy was that guy tall. He was a frikken tree!) But now I think I remember who he was. I'm pretty sure he was that guy trying to take Julie a while back. Stupid me for forgetting such important things! Le sigh. I just hope she's okay. She prolly is, I bet its just my over-active imagination.

I think I'm going to go see Gabe at Ryo's later tonight. I think I've cooled down enough. I'm starting to feel like I over-reacted just a wee bit by burning down the house. Okay... I over-reacted a lot. Big time. So I guess I'll tell him that I'm sorry for being an utter idiot. I suppose I miss just talking to him, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone else in the world. Its like I lost one of my best friends. Its weird not having him around anymore. I've seen him once, just once in the inn since I forced the split. We didn't talk. We saw each other and instantly went into unease. I soon left. Ever since then I hadn't seen him... its like he avoids the inn when I'm there. I'll admit that I deserve it.

I just want to talk to him, gain some clearity. I won't ask him to take me back or anything. I don't want that. I will ask him to forgive me though. He has Michelle now, and I'm proud. I wouldn't want him to stay in a funk because of me for too long. Well, at least I heard Michelle say they were back together. I'm nosey nosey.

With my luck, Gabe will see me, scream, and slam the door in my face. Yup, my luck. I hope he doesn't. I'd really like to consider him a friend again.

Kisses!
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-22 15:29 EST

"-Entry 14

The White Stripes - You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do as You're Told)

In some respects
I suspect you've got a respectable side
When pushed and pulled and pressured
You seldom run and hide
But its for someone elses benefit
Not for what you wanna do
Until I realize that you've realized
I'm gonna say these words to you

You don't know what love is
You do as your told
Just as a child at ten might act
But you're far too old
You're not hopeless or helpless
and I hate to sound cold
But you don't know what love is...
You just do as your told

I can see you man
can't help but win
any problems that may arise
but in his mind there can be no sin
if you never criticize
you just keep on repeating
all those empty "I love you's"
until you see you deserve better
I'm gonna lay right into you

You don't know what love is
you just do as your told
just as a child of ten might act
but your far too old
your not hopeless or helpless
and I hate to sound cold
but you don't know what love is
no you don't know what love is
no you don't know what love is

you just do as your told
you do as your told
yeah

Dear Diary:

Big big bigggg big news! I... have a baby now. YEA, whoa. I mean... I didn't give birth to her or anything. Darky just kinda... poofed her into existance on me. At first, I like hated it, ya know? Me, a mommy? WHOA. She's all I ever dreamed of. She's sooo cute. Well, of course she's cute - She looks just like me!! Heh eh heh. She even has that nose wiggle goin' on like me... she blew up some zombie heads with that nose. WOW. I'm not gunna make her too mad. So I guess I gotta thank Darky... I didn't think I was ready. But after 200 somethin' years, I should be ready. Bleh. I'm so a M.I.L.F. now. Score!

I named her Claira Ann Ravenlock Rogue. Yeeeeeea, long friggin name. But what the hey-hey, I'm a Ravenlock now. So is she. She's gunna have alot of play-mates, with Bri & Jen's new twins, Icer's kids, and Char's kids. I'm not too worried about that. She was making friends with Zyloh (One of Icer's new adopted kids) then she bit his ear. Well, that went out the window. Now lil Zy is scared of her. Le sigh.

But one thing that interests me the most is the fact that she is half vampire and half human. I don't know how it happened. The fist night I had her, I was feeding her then all of a sudden her lil heart started beating. It nearly scared me to death... well... re-death. But it isn't anything to be worried about... at the moment. One day I know her heart'll stop beating and she'll stop growing, staying that way forever. I sure hope it isn't soon. I'd sure hate to see her a two year old forever. Eh. But she's growing like a weed! I think with the vampire/human mix it's making her grow faster than any normal child. I've only had her for a few days and she already looks like she's a one year old. Hm. She's talking and everything. She took her first step the other night... though she's reluctant to walk herself unless she really wants something bad.

She's going to be in the terrible two's before I know it. Oh NOEZ!! But I love just watching her sleep. I'm so glad Darky gave me a chance to be a mom. Michale said he'd be the father of Claira... but I haven't seen him since the day I got her. I don't know... he'll show sometime. Maybe I'd be better off a single mom... hm... Though it would be sad for her to grow up without a father like I did... But Claira is so going to take a chunk outta my sex life. Ugh... that's the only bad thing. I'll forgive her. But when she's old enough to start... ya know... I'm gunna kick any guy's tush when they come near her!! I think I'm going to be over protective.

Oh Yea... I talked to Gabe... I think I smoothed things over... I think. I spelled out my every feeling and expressed my apology to a T. He said he didn't need such an apology. But he's gone now. He left. Gabe said he had to leave because his soul was tearing apart... it was a curse of his family. Le Sigh. I tried to beg him to stay but it didn't work. I hope he's safe now... where ever he is. I think he'll get the surprise of his life when he comes back to find me a mommy.

Then there is the "Homecoming" of Eric I have to worry about. Mark called and said it won't be this week but in a few more... something about the Queen saying Eric was still doing something in New Orleans... or something. Information was vegue. So yea, I'm glad that plans were re-arranged... but how am I going to explain Claira when I walk in. "Um... I have a baby now. She's growing super fast and she's half human and vampire. Please don't try to eat her... she'll bite back. No, I wasn't pregnant. You know I can't. She just kinda poofed into existance." Yup... that'll work.

Kisses
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-23 18:46 EST

"-Entry 15

Avenged Sevenfold - Almost Easy

I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise
Cause I'm afraid, I?m stuck in my ways
And that?s the way it stay-ay-ays
So how long did I expect love to out weigh ignorance
Now that look on your face I may force the scale to tip

I'm not insane, I'm not insane
I'm not insane, I?m not ? not insane

(I'm not)
Come back to me, it's almost easy
(Set it off)
Come back again, it's almost easy

Shame pulses through my heart
From the things I?ve done to you
It?s hard to face, but the fact remains that
This is nothing new

I let you down inside with suicidal memories
Selfish beneath the skin
But deep inside I'm not insane.

I'm not insane, I'm not insane.
I'm not insane, I'm not ? not insane.

(I'm not)
Come back to me, it's almost easy
(Set it Off)
Come back to me, it's almost easy
(You learned your lesson)
Come back again, it's almost easy
(It?s still your fault)
Come back again, it's almost easy

Now that I?ve lost you it kills me to say
(Hurts to say)
I try to hold on as you slowly slip away.
I?m losing the fight.
Treated you so wrong, now let me make it right.
(Make it all right)

I'm not insane, I'm not insane. (chuckling)
I'm not insane, I'm not ? not insane.

(I'm not)
Come back to me, it's almost easy
(Set it Off)
Come back to me, it's almost easy
(You learned your lesson)
Come back again, it's almost easy
(It?s still your fault)
Come back again, it's almost easy

Dear Diary:

Ummm.... I should prolly shoot Lang or something. Well... Claira got up all like talking like hell on wheels and Rhy said something about "rocking" Lang to sleep. Well... GUESS what Claira started to talk about. How me and Michale "Rock" each other to sleep!!! I was SO embarassed!! My own Child! Then Lang agges her on and on about OTHER related things!! AAAACK!! Finally she got herself in trouble by talking about how she was up to see all this. She was sneaking cookies back into her room and "just so happened" to see!! That child!!

Oh! And then Matthew (frat boy... house guard?) walked in... WITH A DRESS ON!! It was the funnies thing EVER. Silly cross-dressers. Apparenly he lost a bet with Gage. Oh my... that made my night. You should have seen it! And the look on poor Brandon's face! Innocence at it's best I tell ya! He's sooo cute.

Then my night kinda went into a bad place. It seems Gabe didn't leave after all. So I went into the back alley to get some air after laughing my lil tush off from the cross-dressing... and who shows up? Gabe. Something wasn't right, ya know? I can tell these things. So he said that his soul was like tearing apart. I knew this. And he said that he was going to leave in like a week. But we started talking asking questions... mostly I was... ya know to see how he was doing. He had these weird flame tattoos on him that I KNEW he didn't have before.

So I started telling him about Claira. He was clearly freaked about that. I knew it. Ya know, me a mommy? Still a shocker for me too. But then all of a sudden he went like in pain and stuff. I thought it was about Claira. I mean, whoa. I knew he wanted to have a kid... but dang. But it wasn't about that. He was fighting with his insides AT THAT MOMENT! Infront of me!! Like FREAK OUT! (I think I've been spending too much time with Lainy... Anywho) So I tried comforting him, I told him he could take whatever it was out on me... cuz well... I knew I deserved some sort of yelling at. Then BAM! he like screamed and his tattoos... shattered. It shocked me so bad I like fell over backwards.

But he pulled me up and hugged me. I was still kinda scared, but he gave me that smile that I KNEW it was the old him. Then... he HAD to ask the WORST question on the FACE of the WORLD!! He asked if we hadn't have split... would I have still married him! OMG! The worst question EVER! How was I supposed to answer that? "Yes, of course!" LIE! I said no, like he knew I would. He KNEW! UGH!! I hate my life... He only asked that question to hurt himself and me!

Just as I was going to yell at him profainly, Icer and her son Sento burst in and Gabe ran away. GREAT! So, I went to the Hall to sulk and cry. Ryo came in and talked to me. He said Gabe wasn't worth it and that I needed to hate him. Ugh... then the nexus stole me and I was sent home.

I hate... my life...

Kisses
- J-Zilla"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-24 17:57 EST

"-Entry 16
Sweet 16 of meh diary!! NO ONE CARES!!

Alice Cooper - Poison

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don't want to break these chains
Poison, oh no
Runnin' deep inside my veins,
Burnin' deep inside my veins
It's poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

Dear Diary:

Well, this isn't as much as the day-to-day play back as it is a rant. Yes, a rant! LeAvE Me aLoNe!

Eh, okay... in all fairness... I'll skip the rant for the moment. For like, a second. Jesus! Claira is growing like a tree! One day she is one... the next she is two! Yea, OH NO! Terrible twos! Not so much with her. More like she's trying to figure everything out and not being so mean. Hee hee. But Brandon gave her a little bracelet, so if she needed either of us she just presses a little button and we'll know. How cool, ya know? Though... I hope she doesn't press it non-stop just to see Brandon. Poor thang.

Anywho... Rant time!

Okay! WTF!? What's with the giving into emotions? *cringes* Emo... tions. ACK! Someone please explain to me why in the hell couldn't I have acted like I hated Gabe for another month or so? Why must I feel the need to torture myself all the time?! Why am I ALWAYS in the middle of some friggin drama? I'm setting myself up for some more disaster! I'm the fuel to Gabe's fire and I just put more gasoline on it. I hate my life! I shouldn't be doing this to Claira, but what she doesn't know won't kill her. She doesn't know anything about Gabe and that's good. I don't want her to give her hopes up on ever having a real father. Sad, ain't it?

I want love! I want it so bad I could almost taste it. I don't want a relationship built on sex alone, lust. I want LOVE!! Is it so god blessed hard to grasp? I mean, to some extent I got all I ever wanted when I got Claira. That's love, but a different type. But when I see Bri and Jen, Alex and Yami, or Jewell and Stephen - my stomach chirns in envy/ How did they get so lucky? Did I strike gold when I let Michale back into my life and I'm just not seeing it? Why can't I love him? I loved him. but I can't love him again.

I can't leave him again either. I couldn't stand to watch him go back into that slump he was in. He lost everything because of me! I hate this! But I haven't seen him since I got Claira... so I might not have to worry about it.

And I'm not going to (or at least try not to) get into another new relationship if things don't pan out with Michale and me either. I'm trying my darned best to reform for Claira. I'm trying to raise her right! My child will NOT turn out as twisted as me! ... But the odds aren't looking too good on that one. A mother can hope, can't she?

But one question still remains, why do I feel as if I need Gabe? I don't, but I do! Like if I can't talk to him, touch him all bets are lost. He's so immature, ungrateful, horrible, insane, heart-breaking, pathetic, emo, evil, weird, odd, cold, canniving, scarred, hurt, wrong, right, sad, angry, worthless, sex-addicted, hurtful, worrying, polka-dotted, yellow, blue, ugh, eh, uh, kitty dawg GUY! ... Okay... I kinda got lost in between my venting. I couldn't think of anymore things. I need him to complete me somehow. It's insane, I know. I never wanted it to be this way! I hope we both get knocked up side the head and suddenly forget each other.

So, diary, what have we learned today? Abso-frikken-lutely nothing except I'm so pathetic that I always go back to him. I need him. I need the love/hate or our touch.
I clearly have been putting too much thought into what I think love should be... No, I think it's those stupid frikken books I've been reading. I need to stop reading romances.

Mommy needs a vacation FO-SHO!

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-25 17:58 EST

"-Entry 17

Daughtry - Crashed

Well I was moving at the speed of sound.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur.
What I was looking for, I'm not sure.
Too late and didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

Somehow, I couldn't stop myself.
I just wanted to know how it felt.
Too strong, I couldn't hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened.
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me.
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need.
Oh, just what I need.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

Dear Diary:

I think I'm losing my mind or something.

Thankfully Claira is going to be in Shiverport for a while with Mark so she won't know what's going on. I couldn't stand to see her little torn face as she watched me with wide eyes trying to figure out what was the matter. That would be the worst. UGH. I'm always between a rock and a hard place. Well, its more like I put myself there.

Brandon and Kit Kit talked me into breaking things off with Michale. My life sucks. Well, how in the hell am I going to break it to him? "I'm sorry, things aren't working out. My feelings aren't the same about you as you feel about me. It seems that I still feel something for a guy that you thought I absolutely hated and I actually did hate for a while. Please don't go back into that slump you were in before. I still care for you. I'm sorry again. I hope you forgive me for ruining your life ... again." Ohhhh yea, that's gunna go over like a lead balloon. This just gets suckier and suckier.

Well, after sobbing my little non-existing heart out, Brandon let me brush his hair to comfort me. He knows it makes me feel better. He's the sweetest lil thang anyone could ever ask for. I'm glad I dubbed him my little brother. He's too nice to me. I swear to God if anyone so much as harms a hair on his pretty little head, I'll be on then like a fat kid on a cupcake. Word, dawg. Anywho, I put a bunch of bows in his hair and it made his hair look like a rainbow. So, I started calling him Skittle Head. Well, at least I thought it was cute. I don't think Brandon liked it too much. So... I ran away before he could give me the puppy dog eyes.

I ran into the alley and who do I find? Him. Gabe. He was sulking and I was all sulked out. I asked him how his day was going and he said terribly. Well, that made two of us. I sat down beside him on the ground and he said he didn't know what to do anymore. Like I do either? No. I told him about the Michale thing. And I forget how but I told him that he could yell at me for everything. He told me I didn't deserve it. Ha, yea - I really do. I deserved to be staked. I mean, it wouldn't work seeing as I don't have my human heart... But I still think so. I told him that. He said I didn't. He said, she said - bleh. I asked him wouldn't he enjoy watching my face crumble into ashes and flutter off in the wind. His answer was quick and short, "No... I wouldn't." I searched his face, his eyes for some sort of lie in his words. A twist maybe. I found none. My lips crashed into his before I could think about what I was doing. I'm horrible! I kissed him before I offically ended things with Michale. No! I didn't mean to! It just happened. I acted before I thought... just like I always do. Stupid actions! Stupid feelings! ACK!

I recoiled before he could react - Thank God. Dusty (some new guy - bleh) came in before I could stumble over my words and run off. But thankfully via the Nexus I was stolen home. It was probably the worst of times but it sure made me feel better. How in the world was I going to explain my actions to him? Abruptly kissing him like that? There are no words to explain how foolish it was. ARGH! I ended the night by crying myself to sleep at sunrise.

If anything does happen between Gabe and I, I'm going to try to keep it on the Down-Low. Do you know how much crap I would get if people found out I left Michale to be with Gabe... a third time? A lot. So it would be better if no one knew. And if we were in public together, we'd act like we were just friends. How acting like "just friends" is going to work, I have no clue. And how I would keep Claira's mouth shut is another thing in itself. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it... or even if that bridge is there.

Bah... I feel like burning some bridges.

kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-26 17:31 EST

"-Entry 18

Papa Roach - Forever

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you
Can't get through to you
It's been a helter skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her
He'll never forgive her

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

Sitting by a fire
On a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl
Little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine
In this moment I'm lonely
Fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven this broken heart of mine

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss

Dear Diary:

Could I feel any worse? Possibly, but I doubt it. So I broke up with Michale last night. It was about as bad as I thought it was going to be. Probably worse. I didn't stick around to find out. I'm on a roll with breaking hearts. It killed me, just as I thought. I tried to explain to him why, why I couldn't lie to him anymore. I started out by saying, "Have you ever dated someone who thought didn't have the same feelings for you as you did them?" He said yes, but not as of late. UGH! How could I have lied to him so well? I never once said I loved him, but he loved me! I said, "Well, you are." He shut his eyes and said, "I knew this was coming." I hate this! Why must I hurt EVERYONE?!! GAW! I pleaded with him, saying that it wasn't his fault I couldn't love... him. I begged him not to go into that slump. He only shrugged me off and told me not to worry about him. He turned around and went to the hearth.

I don't know why... but it kinda pissed me off. I stomped off into the Alley.... I was alone. No one was there with me. I was glad for once... to be alone. I can't be perfect, ya know? I threw a mini hissy fit. I blew up a few trash cans. I mean, how am I supposed to know how to feel? Shouldn't I have gotten over all these feelings and emotions by age 100 or something? Only to grow numb? SIGH! I try too much to be human, I think. But human needs like feelings come so naturally to me. I never used to be this way... maybe RhyDin does have its effects on me... and not in a good way. It complicates things.

And it didn't help that before I had to go ruin Michale's life... I had to try to save another. Well, not really "save", but saving him from doing something he would regret. Lang. He was trying to leave RhyDin for good. I mean, I consider him one of my closer friends... so I couldn't let him. He said he was only causing everyone around him pain and heartache. Not EVERYONE. But I see what he's saying. I finally stopped him long enough to wait till Rhy (his girlfriend) got there. But I left, ya know? To duke it out and what-not. I don't know what became of it... I tried.

That's all I got for now.
Another day in the afterlife. IT SUCKS!!!

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-28 18:17 EST

"-Entry 19

Rihanna - Shut Up and Drive

I've been looking for a driver who is qualified
So if you think that you're the one step into my ride
I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine
With a sunroof top and a gangster lean

So if you feel me let me know, know, know
Come on now what you waiting for, for, for
My engine's ready to explode, plode, plode
So start me up and watch me go, go, go,

Get you where you wanna go if you know what I mean
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?
If you can baby boy then we can go all night

Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five
Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)

I got class like a fifty-seven Cadillac.
Start over drive with a whole lot of boom in the back.
You look like you can handle whats under my hood
You keep saying that you will boy I wish you would

So if you feel me let me know, know, know
Come on now what you waiting for, for, for
My engine's ready to explode, plode, plode
So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go

Get you where you wanna go if you know what I mean
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?
If you can baby boy then we can go all night

Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five
Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)

Cause' you play that game, got what I got (Get it Get it)
Don't Stop, It's a sure shot
Aint no Ferrari, huh boy, I'm sorry
I ain't even worried
So step inside and ride
(ride, ride, drive, drive, drive)

So if you feel me let me know, know, know
Come on now what you waiting for, for, for
My engine's ready to explode, plode, plode
So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go

Get you where you wanna go if you know what I mean
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?
If you can baby boy then we can go all night

Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five
Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive
(drive, drive, drive)

Dear Diary:

Well, last night was ... odd to say the least. It's RhyDin after all. I swear to God I heard the wobbling sound of Jello outside the inn half the night. Then Elly came in. That's when the fun really began. She stared talking about how she was going to rewrite Romeo and Juliet. Oh no! Shakespear is going to roll over in his grave! Soooooo who did I say should play Romeo? Darky!! Score! Getting back at that dark and brooding bastard! I got the glare. Oh Well. Elly really liked the idea as Darky as Romeo and forced Darky to say lines. I was in shock, I almost died! He said them so good! Like, whoa. Then Elly made him kiss her! For the play, of course. I swear I did die. Well, almost. He almost kissed her on the lips, but she turned her head. So he kissed her cheek. Ugh! I was hoping for a full on lip smacker! Gaw! I fell off the bar in shock none-the-less.

Then Darky came at me with that evil look in his eyes. I ran! ... Or well, more like crawled seeing as I was on the floor where I fell off the bar. I darted behind a couch. As soon as I did, he turned for the door. relieved, I came out from behind the couch. Then she said something ...ever so chilling. "I guess I'll have to go to Shiverport." Noooooo!! He was going to bring Claira back from Mark's! She can't see me like this! I'm still emotionally unstable and what-not. So I dived and hugged his legs, pleading. He let me off easy, with a pat on the head. Oh how he knows I hate that. Bastard. It makes me feel like a 4 year old. I told him that once and he told me to stop acting like one! Gaw! I never get any slack around here.

But yea, I still feel horrible about breaking up with Michale. Well, shouldn't I feel horrible about this? Yes, duh. I mean, I should feel a little better now that I know he'll be better off without me and that he won't be lied to by me anymore. But I feel like a terrible monster. I wouldn't have dared told him about my feelings for Gabe. He'd prolly shot me. As would anyone else. There's only a few people who know. Brandon, Kit-Kit, Ryo, Icer, (If she was listening) and Gabe himself.

Speaking of said Fallen Angel, I haven't seen Gabe since the night I... kissed him. Maybe he's avoiding me again. Maybe he left. Oh no! That'd be the worst! Not being able to talk to him for months upon months! Just my luck! He didn't even say goodbye. Well, of course not. It would be too awkward. I'm clearly over thinking things again. He wouldn't just leave without telling me, right? Yea, yea. Let's stick with that. He's just busy... with stuff... like thinking... and that Ravensheart school... and finding a new place, seeing as I burned down his old place. Yea, that's it. Just busy. He'll come to see me before he leaves. He'll see me soon to tell me what's going down in that stupid head of his.

Man, it's going to be awkward. I think I'm just going to try to play it cool. I prolly won't look at him a lot, because just the very sight of him stings my eyes with tears. I'll probably have to try to speak the most during the conversation, because sometimes his words are so unexpected, so unplanned I don't know what to think, to say. It leaves me in awe. I can tell that this is hard on him too, equally or harder than it is on me. I know I'm not all he has, all he thinks of, or loves. Michelle, the other - the first. Before I came along to break, reclaim his heart... again and again. It's oh so hard to pick, isn't it? Been there, done that. I continuely steal everything away from her. I set everyone up for heart break, don't I? I'm a walking heart attack. I feel ... so bad.

That's what Gabe... or someone needs to do to me. Make me fall mady in love with them and crush me, drop me on my arse and never look back. Like Eric did. He's the reason I'm like this. One word: betrayal. It changes everything. He hurt me so I must turn everything good in my life bad. Watch it wither and die. I ... must ... hurt. I ... must ... break. Why must I hurt others for something that they had absolutely nothing to do with, or know of for that matter? Gabe doesn't even know about Eric... or not that I know of.

Anyway, That's it I guess. All thoughts reluctently shut down when Eric is brought up... so deeply. I suppose I trained my brain to do that. It's like if I think of him... he knows it... through my head... through my blood. It makes me feel... dirty ... helpless ... violated. I gotta go before he like shows up in my bed or something.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-09-30 13:44 EST

"-Entry 20

Three Days Grace - Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Dear Diary:

Um.... I only have a few things to say. First of which is: OUCH MOTHEROFPUCKINGGODI'MINSOMUCHPUCKINGPAINIT'SLIKE SOMEONEISSHOTTINGMYLEGSAGAINANDAGAINITWON'TSTOPWE TRWEYHTDYKJRTwerGFHSGJHSHJ.
Yup.
I hurt... a lot, all over, every inch of me. My arms, my back, my legs, my stomach, my face, my ... ya know.

Oh, another thing. Gabe & I are back together... I guess. I think he's still kind of dating Michelle... I think. Who knows. I was out all yesterday just trying to heal myself enough to walk again. Single handedly one of my best nights ever. Yea, well there is the whole fact that I'm in so much frikken pain, but oh diary if you only saw how he treated me. It was rough, it hurt, but for once I submitted to him. He broke me and not the other way around. He has changed so much, in so many different ways. I created a monster, maybe a god, more a mixture of the two. I like it. I want it. A monster.... like me. God Dern I'm twisted... so very twisted.

Somehow I feel like he'll use me and see Michelle still, love her and me. But I don't care. Yea, it'll hurt... but as long as I have him somehow... I'll be fine.

But we aren't doin Shizzit for a long long long time. For real, yo. Okay, seriously, we aren't. I couldn't take it. Okay, I may be a vampire ya know, but my back almost broke and I broke a few ribs. No more, I'm keepin my foot down on that one.

Oh yea, when we were talking before hand he told told me when I bit him when I was fighting control of the red, well apparently that caused him to gain... some vampire powers and such. Well... I punched him. I didn't mean to, ya know. I was in shock and mad at myself. I didn't hurt him... but... yea. MOTHER FUDGER! At least like he didn't turn all the way. That'd be bad.

Diary, you don't know how twistedly happy I am. Sure he said he loved me, I believe it. Sure I told him I loved him, but I don't believe myself. I don't trust myself. I'm sick. I'm pathetic. I want him. I want to feel used.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-01 18:20 EST

"-Entry 21

Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) - System
Queen of the Damned soundtrack

You fell away,
What more can I say?
The feelings evolved,
I won't let it out,
I can't replace...
Your screaming face,
Feeling the sickness inside

Why won't you die?
Your blood in mine?
We'll be fine?
Then your body will be mine

So many words
Can't describe my face
This feeling's evolved
So soon to break out
I can't relate
to a happy state
feeling the blood run inside

Why won't you die?
Your blood in mine?
We'll be fine?
Then your body will be mine

Why is everything so f*cking hard for me?
Keep me down to what you think I should be!
Must you tempt me and provoke the ministry?

Keep on trying I?ll not die so easily

I will not die?

Why is everything so f*cking hard for me?

I will not die?

Why is everything so f*cking hard for me?

I will not die?

Why won't you die?
Your blood is mine?.
We'll be fine?.
Then your body will be mine

Dear Diary:

My night last night was... interesting. I tried not to walk... to move ... to do much at all when I poofed into the inn. Sadly, I left in more pain then when I got there. I blame Lang. He let me fall from a barstool then flipped me over the frikken bar. I landed on my poor poor back. My poor poor everything. Hopefully I'll be better soon. I so have taken moving for granted. I hope the next time Gabe wants to get frisky ... he isn't so rough. God bless, Lord knows I wouldn't stop him.

Oh, reasons why and how Lang made me hurt myself worse. Well, it started by me telling a story on how I shot Lang once, ya know. I thought he was a zombie! Leave me alone! So anyway, he was like, "You owe me a shot at you now." Then he started reaching in his jacket. I was like WTF! I flailed and fell off my barstool onto the floor. Oh, the pain. I swore up a storm that woulda made a sailor blush. He was laughing at me! That jerk-face! Then when I finally got up, he squirted me with his 'gun'... water gun. Sometimes I hate him. Though as much as we bicker, fight, and torture each other, deep down inside he's my buddy. Oh, then this cool chick Kacey who Lang knows told me there were some bottles under the bar I could spray Lang with. So I clammered to get them. Lang grabbed my ankles and I started kicking at him as I searched, throwing stuff over my shoulders. Then he like flipped me over the bar! ACK! Take 2 on the going-out-of-my-f*cking-mind-in-pain-o-meter. Well, I found the spray bottles when I was down and out on the floor. So when he looked over the bar to see if I was okay, I had gotten to my knees and sprayed him. At least I got him back... kinda.

Oh! That chick Kasey is like so nice. She said she had been here a while. I mean, I seen her around and I knew shhe was like helping out with the whole Dockside & Westend rebuilding thing, but I just never talked to her. I didn't have a problem with her or anything... I just never talked to her. Hmm. But like yea, she's cool. New friend! Yay!

*sigh* Though I'm happy that Gabe and I are back together... I still feel off. Didn't I say that I didn't want a relationship only for sex? And wasn't that the first thing we did? ...Over and over again. Oh just thinking about it makes my toes curl. .... Oh God.... I'm doing it again! Keep on track! Anyway, I hope he has a little more to offer then that... as much as I like it. Like love, he should offer that. I mean, I know he thinks that's what he's doing, but so many these days mistake lust for love... me being one of them. I know what I'm doing when I'm doing it, but I do it anyway. How many times did this come back to bite me in the arse? Too many. But I need him, he's like a drug. Maybe I'm going brain dead.

I still have that thought in the back of my head that he's still with Michelle behind my back, behind her back. I don't think I was thinking in my last entry. Maybe that's the thing. I over think everything. But when you live for eternity, all you have is time to think. But if he stays with Michelle without me knowing it, I wouldn't hold it against him. She was the first and always will be. No use fighting that. But ... I need him. I couldn't stand to lose him again. He knows this. It drives me up the wall. Sure I will always care who he's seeing, dating, sleeping with behind my back, because my jealous side will probably not ever go away. And it'll prolly hurt like a mother trucker if he actually ever tells me what he's doing that I don't know about. But as long as I have him somehow I'll be fine... or as fine as I'll ever get. Though I'll let him do all these things, I won't ever go behind his back. Not again. I couldn't stand to see his broken face looking down at me. It'd break whatever bit of heart I have left. I have to make him trust me again... even if I can't trust myself or what he does with me and my heart. Tainted love.

Now that I have him back in my life, I can't let him go. I have to let him have the freedom to do whatever he wants with me... or her. I have to try to trust him. But I've always heard if you give them too much freedom they'll fly away. Please god, don't let him fly away. I need to trust him. What little trust I have left in love... my heart, I'll put in him. One day, I know he'll only love me and no one else. There won't be another girl I don't know about. There will only be me and him. I won't hurt. I'll wait for that day, for him.
But yes, 'marriage' is still a dirty word.

This is it, diary. I'm getting a taste of my own medicine....

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-02 18:12 EST

"-Entry 22

Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner

Drink down your gin and kerosene
And come split off bridges with me
Just to keep us warm
Light a match to leave me be
Light a match to leave me be

I keep my jealousy close
'Cause it's all mine
And if you say this makes you happy
Then I'm not the only one lying

Keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you
Can I lay in your bed all day?
I'll be your best kept secret
And your biggest mistake
The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day

I keep my jealousy close
'Cause it's all mine
And if you say this makes you happy
Then I'm not the only one lying

Drink down your gin and kerosene
And come split off bridges with me
Just to keep us warm
Light a match to leave me be
Light a match to leave me be

So wear me like a locket around your throat
I'll weigh you down
I'll watch you choke
You look so good in blue
You look so good in blue

Dear Diary:

Yesterday was relitively mundane. Brandon was back. Yay! My little brother. The oh-so-cute one. Well, it seems as though he's been sick... and almost died! Oh noez! I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'd be soooooooo sad. Oh gawz, I need to stop thinking of that. The horror! Annnnnnyway, he's better now. He got medz and he says its working... so let's hope and prey that he gets all the way better soon. I can't have my Skittle Head all sick, ya know! Heh heh. He didn't really like that nickname, but I talked him into it. He said as long as he was my skittle head, it was okay. Meaning, as long as no one else started calling him that, everything is groovy. Oh he takes so much crap from me! He's so sweet! He says that's what little brothers are for! Aww~! He just brightens my day soooo much!

Buuuut I told him Gabe and I were back together. At first he like started freaking out because he thought I was still dating Michale. I cleared that up. But not without feeling horrible thinking about Michale. I almost started crying. Brandon said that Michale should be happy and thankful that I ended it... so I wouldn't keep lying to him. I wish I could feel the same. I feel so guilty. Brandon comforted me through that and I moved on to a different worry. That wory being about Michelle and Gabe. He got mad at Gabe. He didn't like the fact that Gabe could still be going out with Michelle and seeing me at the same time. I told him I deserved it, getting a taste of what its like. Brandon told me that no one deserved it... to be hurt like that. We didn't argue about it, I just said that I did and that I needed to trust Gabe. Brandon just agreed for my sake and the sake of not fighting. He hates fighting.

So I asked him if he thought I was making a mistake. He said yes, it could be if I wasn't careful. But if it makes me happy, he was all for it. Then he said one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said. He told me if things turned our bad, he'd be there for me, to comfort me. I know it doesn't sound like much... but it was just his sincerity... I believe him. I'm so glad he's my little brother, Life would be so much different without my Skittle Head.

But regaurdless, I'm not going to ask Gabe upfront about things like Michelle. I don't care. If he tells me, he tells me. If not, well I can only wonder. Seriously, I need to stop worrying so much about this. Knowing that he has something for me should be good enough. God Damn, what do I want? I want to be hurt, while being loved. I want to be used. I want this twisted mess that is our love.

Kisses
- Zilla"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-10 18:09 EST

((OOC note: This was written before Jade & my 4 day leave. I've had alot of things going down, so forgive me. I was supposed to type thisis Saturday but I didn't get to. >.<))

"-Entry 23

Tool - Prison Sex

It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then,
you know it hurt me,
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I've got my hands bound,
my head down, my eyes closed,
and my throat wide open.

Do unto others, what has been done to me,
Do unto others, what has been done to you?

I'm treading water,
I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.
Won't you come on up closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this,
I can't stand to burn too long.
Release in sodomy.
Oh, for one sweet moment I am whole.

Do unto you now, what has been done to me,
Do unto you now, what has been done?

You're breathing so I guess you're still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
Won't you come on a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.
Release in sodomy.
For I am your witness and
blood and flesh can be trusted.
And only this one holy medium brings me peace of mind.

Got your hands bound, your head down,
your eyes closed.
You look so precious now.

(Show me something
Thought I could make it end
Thought I could wash the stains away
Thought I could break the circle if I
Slipped right into your skin
So sweet was your surrender
We have become one
I have become my terror
And you my precious lamb and martyr.)

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this
sh*t, blood, and come on my hands.

I've...come...round...full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over, soon.
You look so precious.
You look so precious, now,
You look so precious...

Dear Diary:

Uh... its been a while. I guess its been kinda boring. No no, not boring - repeatitive. But oh, there is something new.

Bob is back. Well, I haven't seen him myself... but I just know it. There was this loud noise coming from the cementary. So I looked out the window and I see it, a red sun in the sky. It didn't hurt me like daylight, it was just a sign. Red sun? You know what that means, right? The Order of The Crimson Sun is back! We can finally do something!

Well, how in the hell am I going to tell hiom about Gabe and me? "Yea, I thought over Nero's tape after I burned down the house and I decided it was a fake. So I apologized to him and all we ever do is have sex. There isn't very much love in it. Just lust. There's a slight chance that he's still with another girl, but I don't care because in some demented way I love him." Yeeeeeah, that's gunna work. I can feel it now.
But all and all I'm happy Bob's back. Things are so... different when he's gone. I hate it that so many hate him. If they could just sit there and actually listen to him, they might actually like him.

Buuut, Gabe worries me. Well, its not he himself who worries me, its his actions. All we do when we're together is have sex. There's barely any real conversatiobs, just sex. We bone each other until our hearts' content. Well, actually his heart's content. Because now I can't say no to him. I try, it doesn't work. I remember back when we would just sit there and talk for hours, just talking. it was before all the fighting and before I let him go. It was before I made him into this... ike me. I don't like me... or more-so, I don't like the me in him. I miss the way things were.. back then. And I hate that I know things'll never be like that again. Because I always ruin things when they are right... I am the eternal wrong. But no matter how much I hate how things are now, somehow I couldn't or can't ask him to change this. I couldn't ask him for anymore... I might lose him if I did. I hate myself for being so dependent of him. What happened to Miss Independant? ... Ugh... A Kelly Clarkson moment... Though I do like her new CD... I'm getting so off track. Anyway... I don't know anymore.

I think I'm going to go to Shiverport for a while and see Claira.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-14 18:14 EST

((OOC note: after Jade got back from Shiverport))

"-Entry 24

System of a Down - Chop Suey

Wake up
Grab a brush and put a little make up
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table
Here you go creating another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little make up
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
You wanted to
I don't think you trust
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
RAAHH!!
Wake up
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
Here you go creating another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
You wanted to
I don't think you trust
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
Father! Father! Father! Father!
Father into your hands, I commend my spirit
Father into your hands
Why have you forsaken me
In your eyes forsaken me
In your thoughts forsaken me
In your heart forsaken me oh
Trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die

Dear Diary:

The last few days have been... interesting to say the least. Well, more frustrating than not. I was happy because I was with Claira. I went to Shiverport, to surprise her.... I was the one with the surprise.

For one, Claira knew I was coming. How you ask? Apparently she picked up a new gift while she was away. Empathy. She felt me coming. Oh joy. Now she'll know all my feelings if I don't watch it. Bah.

Secondly, and this is a big secondly, Eric came back early. And no one told me!! ACK! Annnd guess what. He's been interacting with my daughter. He even got enough nerve to tell her to call him FATHER! That man has no sense what-so-ever! Like I'm going to let her call him that. Ha, that's a hoot.

Well, I made Claira go into the back in Eric's office with some toys so Eric and I could have some adult time. I tricked her little empathy qork into thinking the conversation was a nice one. It wasn't. It was far from nice.

First, we talked about Claira. Apparently he took her to New Orleans to see the queen. Oh, great. He got them to take tests on her. She's only a toddler for god's sake! The tests were about her being half-human, half-vampire and why her heart was beating... and why it stopped. Oh, did I forget to meantion that? Well, yea. It stopped. It was concluded that it will beat again once her body or a high force believes she should grow again. So, she will say a five year old until then. And to boot, Eric said that the queen showed great interest in her and her powers. Just dandy.

Then Eric switched the conversation to one I never wanted to have... ever with him. Us. What we were. Why things ended. How he didn't really "cheat". Yea, right. I hated every minute of it. He said that the chick he banged for over two years was only a fang-banger and he didn't have any feelings for her when he did it. He had feelings alright. He said that she didn't want love and she didn't love him, that she was only in it for the thrill... and she wanted to be used. Instantly, I realized that the girl was me. Not with Eric, but with Gabe. Just the realization made me sob.

As soon as the tears spilled, he made me talk about Gabe. I told him everything. Well... I didn't "tell" him, I showed him. I let him see my memories through my blood. I know, stupid of me, right? I'm supposed to be trying to get him out of my head, not letting him see right in. The less of my blood he has and the less of his blood I have, the more likely I can get him out. But I couldn't have explained everything in words. It would have been too hard. Showing him was the best way.

He didn't like how things went down. Neither did I. He wanted me to get away from Gabe. I can't... I love him. We argued a bit before I told him he wasn't going to win. I would do as I please, as he knows. He didn't argue when I told him I was going to get Claira. I went and got Claira from the office. She was sleeping. I scooped her up and went to leave Fangsta. I told Eric that I was staying there for a few days and that after I left he could keep her a while. But after that he'd only see her as she wished.

I stayed at Shaggy's with him and Claira. Nothing else really exciting happened except for me b*tching him out about not telling me about Eric and watching her. She's growing up so fast... literally.
So I left my heart in Shiverport with a man I hate... or a man I wished I hated. Sometimes I find sympathy for him... I don't know why though.

When I got back to RhyDin I got the shock of my life... Brandon's innocence was stolen! By Rhy! My sweet innocent Skittle Head! Oh no! He knows how to use his... now!! Ugh no!! I couldn't get the images out of my head! I mean, I know Brandon's like 22... an adult... but it's all wrong! Ack! The horrors! But I gave Brandon and Rhy my blessings... seeing as they are adults... as long as they never spoke of it ever ever again/ Oh my my... My Skittle Head.

Being a big sister is hard.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-15 11:54 EST

((OOC: This is Thursday night's diary entry BLAH))

"-Entry 25

Senses Fail - Calling All Cars

Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

I'm sorry but I think I failed to mention
That I lied at my very first confession
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

'Cause this has been building since I have been breathing
And I know how it's going to end

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

Oh my dear, what have I gone and done now?
It's curtain call, I'm about to take my last bow
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

Without giving away the entire ending
I ruined the evening again

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

I don't have love left inside, inside
And I don't have love left inside, inside
Are you desperate for an answer?
I don't have an ounce of good left in me now
That's why I walked out

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You hate me for it now
Try to forget me and just move on

I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
And do your best to forget my name

Dear Diary:

Last night was... horrible. There was Michale... there there was Gabe. Everywhere I turned, slow gripping pain.

Let's start with Michale, shall we? Well, things started the same in the inn - as normally as the inn goes. Instantly, I was pumbled by hatchlings. My neice and nephews none-the-less. Icer so needs to control her kids. Heh heh. Anyway, I was kinda shocked to see that Michale was there. I'd seen him the other night. I'm glad he didn't run away completely like he did the other time. He was talking to this chick and I was glad for him. Well, then that chick ran away to talk to Darky. Oh boy. Darky is about to get married and he's still getting girls chasing after him. I wonder if he told her that he was engaged? Hm...

Anywho, Michale went out on the porch all gloomy like. I watched him as he walked out. I still care, is that against the law or something? No matter who I love, I'll always care for him. Well, some time later he came back in and went behind the bar, looking equally as gloomy. I asked him what was the matter and he said he was fine. I told him so says him. I knew better. Then I told him that I'd bring Claira in sometime to see him. He actually started to say that he thought I wouldn't let him see her! Oh my gawz, he really thought I'd be that much of a b*tch? I'm not going to keep a child away from him that he said that he would help take care of. Even though things are strained, I'm not going to keep her from him. I'm not that much of a cold-hearted b*tch.

Then he just fell silent after I told him I would still let him see Claira. I said he could at least act like we were friends and he told me that to be perfectly honest, he didn't know what to think anymore. That makes the two of us. I said at least he was honest. Then I mumbled something I shouldn't have. It was something along the lines of "At least you're not in a relationship with someone who only wanted the sex and is probably with another girl." Yea, not smart to say to an ex. Bah. He asked me what was the matter and I said nothing. He said to tell him and I said "Not like you'd tell me what was the matter with you." Wrong thing to say #2. I suck at speaking. Well, after that, all hell broke loose. He yelled at me. The type that'll shake you to the core. It wasn't the "F you" type, that I can handle. It was the "I love you and I don't know why" type.

I wish I could have see my face as I took it all in. I know it was horror-striken. You know that horrible feeling I had for leaving Michale for Gabe? Well, this made me feel 10 times worse. He said he loved me and he hated it. I left him twice and he still loved me. He can't get over me. He's like Eric, only Eric is so much worse... that ego-manic. I hate that everyone I love or ever loved gets hurt in the end. I hate what it's doing to Michale. Because I still care. That's my thing, I care therefore I hurt. My life is so messed up... or unlife that is. I am the eternal wrong.

Then later that night I went home. This night I actually talked to Gabe, not about Michale... about Michelle. I knew I shouldn't have ... and I know I vowed to keep my mouth shut about things, but I needed to know. I asked him if he was still seeing Michelle. It didn't need a genius to figure out what I meant. He said that she was gne at the moment so... and he didn't finish his statement. I didn't need a genius to figure out that one either. I knew it, I frikken knew it all along. He still is seeing her. I told him it didn't matter, that I would still love him, that I would always be there no matter what. He wrapped me in a hug and set his head on my lap. I showed no real emotions, just stated the truth. Then I asked him if he loved her. Wrong thing to say #3.

He said he didn't know. He couldn't decide between her or me. That devistated me, though I didn't show it. I just consoled him again, saying that it didn't matter to me. That I loved him. I do love him. But he doesn't love me. He doesn't know who he loves. He lies. All the times before when he told me he loved me, lies. All for the sex. Yet, I love him. What has happened to me? What am I?
I changed the subject and started joking around about this and that. After a while, the normal nightly things took place.

He doesn't know that long after he had fallen asleep... that I cried myself to sleep. What he doesn't know won't hurt him... but what I know noe and what I knew all along is killing me. It is killing me to know that there is another. Another that I'll have to fight for his love. Why must I fight for his love? Isn't love supposed to come easily? Love shouldn't be like this. This isn't love. Now I realize that I am to Michale as Gabe is to me. Of course Gabe cares, like I care for Michale. But will Michale ever get over me like I can't get over Gabe. I readily gave up someone who was crazy for me, for a guy that can't decide. Oh my God, Gabe is me. This monster I changed him into is me! He has taken everything that was, is wrong with me and put it into himself! No no, this is all wrong. I never meant to hurt anyone, and this is what happened! I hate it, I hate me! I make everything good bad.

I feel sick, I have to go. I need to be with Claira. She makes things right.

The Eternal Wrong
Jade"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-15 12:51 EST

"-Entry 26

Good Charlotte - Dance Floor Anthem

She?s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there?s more
than he gave she?s looking for

He calls her up
He?s trippin' on the phone now
He doesn?t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she?s movin' it
Knows she?s using it
Now he?s losing it
She don?t care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
to the beat now
If you?ve got nothing to lose
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You?ve got a reason to live
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don?t be afraid to get down
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love

He was always giving her attention
looking hard to find the things she mentioned
He was dedicated
By most suckers hated
That girl was fine
But she didn?t appreciate him

She calls him up
She?s tripping on the phone now
He had to get up
And he ain?t comin' home now
He?s tryin' to forget her
That?s how we come with him
When he first met her
When they first got together

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don?t be afraid to get down
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love

To the beat
You got nothing to lose
Don?t be afraid to get down

We break up
It?s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It?s okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone

It?s too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you?re doin'
You don?t wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don?t be afraid to get down
Say I don?t wanna be in love
I don?t wanna be in love

Now you know what to do, so come on feelin' good

Dear Diary:

Yea... last night was one of those hell nights again. I'm on a roll aren't I? Well, it was round-about Michale and Gabe. Surprise surprise. I didn't go home. I didn't even want to look a Gabe after I got done talking to Michale. Thankfully Vinny AKA Mister Kisser was there so I wouldn't have to go home. That part was nice.

Okay, I'm going to give the short and watered down verison of what happened... cuz I really don't feel like trying to remember it all. So I brought back Claira yesterday so Michale could see her. I'm letting her stay with him for a while. He needs her too. Blah de blah. So then he like kissed me on the cheek cuz apparently I'm cute when I'm mad. How many times have I heard that one before? But he was only doing that to get Claira to laugh. So, blah. I forgave him, ya know? It was for Claira. Then I don't know how... I think Claira used her empathy.... damn kids... but she started talking about how I was sad... and she wanted to know. I didn't want to talk about it. Like why would I want to tell my five year old daughter my problems? Not like she would understand anyway. Well, Michale talked me into telling her... just to give her a bleak understanding. I spilled... Claira didn't understand. She's five frikken years old!

Then Michale went on and on about how I didn't need to be with someone who'd admit to cheating on me. I mean, duh. No crap. How could I explain in words how I loved him without sounding crazy? I tried... and I sounded as crazy as I thought I did. He said that we should at least try to get back together for Claira. He has a point. It's sad to see your own daughter saying, "Can't grown-ups just kiss and make up?" Oh my Claira. So young. I told him I needed time. To think. To figure out my life. To talk to Gabe... Ugh.

Claira had fallen asleep and Michale took her. Vinny came over and asked me if I was going to be okay. Yea, I am. I hope. Shizzit happens. Another day in the life of J-Zilla. He asked if I wanted a drink... and damn straight I wanted one. He asked if I liked eastern food, like chinese and Thai. Of course. He took me to this sushi place. It was nice. Great food. We just sat and talked for a while, drinking saki. He said that life is so much better without emotions getting tied in with sex, no strings attached. It takes away from the sheer pleasure. Where has he been all my life? He's perfect! No strings attached! Just fun! ...And he's rich to boot! ... Um... That doesn't matter though... heh heh.

After we ate we went back to his place. We just had fun. I let loose. I didn't have a worry in the world. Of course, this screws up everything with Michale and Gabe, but I don't care. I was free, for one night. I oddly feel lighter, less weighed down. But I know as soon as I see Gabe or Michale again things will just go back to the same ol' same. Why couldn't I have kept being emotionless... just having fun? Ugh.
At least the ending of my night was good. I shall keep that mood up... at least for a little while.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-17 17:25 EST

"-Entry 27

Paramore - That's What You Get

No sir, well I don't want to be the blame
Not anymore
It's your turn to take a seat
We're settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide, you have made it harder just to go on
Why all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
I drowned out all my senses with the sound of it's beating
That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa

I wonder how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding on to silly things
I never learned why when all the possibilities I'm sure you heard

That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
I drowned out all my senses with the sound of it's beating
That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa

They make you wait to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart started right in me
Let's start, hey

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win
I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win
Whoa

Dear Diary:

I guess I'm going to pack the last two days in one.

First of all, Casidy is back! My sistah from Bon Temps! I've missed her so much, you don't even know! Yea, I know I haven't talked about her in here. Cuz like I haven't seen her in what? Almost a year? She says that she's been on a big bounty in some moutains I couldn't spell to save my life. She says they oay well, so I guess that's okay... Eh, I've never been one to go on a lot of those bounties... though I am on Brian's bouty team... Go figure. I'm just glad she's back for now at least.

And she was even flirting it up with this guy Jake! Not the cowboy Jake, another guy I don't really know. Go her! I hope she makes it into Franco's blog! I'd die laughing! Maybe if it's bad Cas will hunt Franco down! Ha!

Oh, another thing, the Nexus turned me into a Barbie for Claira... and she changed my clothes. Oh God, it was the worst. And all my "parts" were life-like. ACK! And to top it off, the nexus dropped a Darky Doll too. And his "parts" were life-like too! Oh Gods! So now she knows about girlly parts and boy parts. Ugh.

Then this new girl Alys asked Michale if he still wanted to go on a date. I almost choked on my shot of whiskey hearing that. Why? I have no friggin clue! Claira told Casidy that I was jealous. I was? I didn't even know I was. Damn lil empath! I don't even know if they'll be going on that date because Claira started asking too many questions.

But, I mean, shouldn't I be happy that he's going to be going on a date? Isn't this what I wanted? For him to move on? Then am I jealous? And why don't I know that I'm jealous?! Eh, maybe it's that "I was here first" thing... Yea, sure. So I guess I'll have to wait this one out, to see if I really am jealous and what not.

Buuuut something weird happened the other day. (Yea, wouldn't ever guessed would ya?) Gabe asked about Eric. Well, the conversation didn't go so far seeing as the Nexus wanted to be mean... very mean. I'm just shocked that he would bring Eric up. I want to know why, damnit. Gabe was even calling me 'Jadden'! How I hate that name! I wish it to go away, like I was never named that! Horrible memories come with that name. Ick.

Oh, and what happened yesterday? Ah, nothing except Icer and Darky coating each other in sweets. Oi.

Kisses
- Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-18 14:05 EST

"-Entry 28

Slipknot - Vermillion

She seems dressed in all the rings
Of past fatalaties
So fragile yet so devious
She continues to see
Climatic hands that press
Her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

She is everything and more
The solemn hypnotic
My Dalia, bathed in posession
She is home to me

I get nervous, perverse when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's now or never she's coming home
Forever

Oh (She's the only one that makes me sad)

Hard to say what caught my attention
fixed and crazy, Aphid Attraction
Carve my name in my face, to recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize

I won't let this build up inside of me(x4)

(Yeah!)

I'm a slave, and I am a master
No restraints and, unchecked collectors
I exist through my need, to self-oblige
She is something in me, that I despise

I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real, I can't make her real
She isn't real, I can't make her real

(She isn't real, I can't make her real)
(She isn't real, I can't make her real)

Dear Diary:

I didn't go back to the villa last night either. I couldn't, I wouldn't. I don't know why. Things didn't feel right. I can't explain it. Just take my word for it, Okay? So here I sit in Ryo's place in my own little room, alone.

The night in the Inn started like any other. Fun, relentless. Brandon came up with Super Hero Day. There were only a few that took part in it and it was funny. Brandon was my sidekick Skittle Head and I was Super Zilla. I was dressed up in a long black leather jacket, black and green vinyl corset with "Super Zilla" on it and matching mini skirt, and thigh high black stillettos. I even had on a little Zorro like mask. Brandon had on black leather pants and a light green silk shirt with "SH" on it standing for Skittle Head. And he had on a while one shoulder cape thingy too. I even dressed up Icer and Rhy too.

Then the nexus turned me into a Barbie again... this time with a button on my back for little catch phrases. And they just had to keep pressing that damn button! Kitty dressed me up in this slutty outfit with a too-too. It sucked. And Lang brushed me hair... and it frikken turned white! UGH! Well, the nexus turned me back... and I tried to kill Lang. After I spewed my "I hate you"s, I stomp into the girl's bathroom. Ryo followed. It was okay, because he's gay... So that makes him like half girl, right? Right.

He turned my hair back black and cheered me up. I changed into a white dress with black butterflies stitched into it. We came out of the bathroom just in time to see Lang in tights. Oh my. Then things went from OMG! to WTF! His tights disappeared.... I was scarred.

After all the WhoBlah cooled down, I got really depressed out of frikken no where. I felt kinda sick too. Being a woman sucks! Apparently I didn't eat enough chocolate to keep my worries at bay or something. But another good thing about having a gay friend is that they know what you're going through and what-not. Dear Lord I don't want to be emo! And looking through my past entries, I so am! Urgh! I want to be that cool metal chick, not emo!

Anyway, reasons for my sudden depression? Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, Michale, Claira, Eric, Gabe, Bon Temps, Casidy, Shiverport, Gabe and Michelle, Gabe seeing other people, being used. The same ol' same. But it was like a wave of depression hit me before the thoughts actually did. And the thoughts didn't really hit me hit me until I got to Ryo's. They were just there, slowly seeping in. I just felt bad, wront in the Inn. Not right. Not all there. Ryo understood and let me stay with him. He's really very nice. I just now realized that Gabe stayed here too when he had no place left to go. Great minds think alike. I mean, I had other places to go, I just chose here. Icer asked me if I wanted to stay with her, and I'm sure Bri would give me back my room at the compound if I asked... But I chose Ryo's. Because I knew he'd understand more. I'm probably wrong, that Bri or Icer would be equally as understanding. But I need someone else other than family to understand. And Ryo is so easy to trust.

So I'll stay here until I feel right again. I don't know when that will be. I told him I'd only stay for the night, but he said I could stay as long as I wanted. I might just take him up on that offer. I mean, not forever but a little while. Oh isn't that smart, I left Gabe with the Villa. I really really hope he doesn't torch my place because he thinks I left him or somthing. That'd suck... hard. Way hard.

I'm glad I grabbed my diary. Not just because I need to write to live, to vent and stuff, also because I'd be on so much sh*t if Gabe read any of this while I was gone. Oh god, I'd die. I'd be in so much of a loss without this thing.

Ryo came over to the Villa and helped me pack. Gabe wasn't there, doing gods knows what. And people ask me why I'm so trippy. He was probably out trying to score while I was in the Inn. I grabbed a few things and my diary and stuffed them in one of those over sized huge beach bag kinda purses I never use. I left a little "I love you" not on the pillow of the bed. Hopefully he won't freak when he sees that... or think I killed myself or something. Crap, thinking over it now I did leave the room a mess when I left. It must have really looked like I left him! Mother Fudge! Good job, Jade! Utter genius! All the note said was "I love you - Jade". It didn't say why or where I was going. Crap crap crap. Well, no use worrying about it if I'm not going to go back for a while. Let him worry for once.

I suddenly want Claira back. Not for her to see me like this, just to have her with me. I can't believe how much being a mother has changed me. And I like it.

Oh, on a lighter note before I go,Friday is Icer's birthday. Woo Woo.

Kisses
-Jadey"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-19 15:08 EST

"-Entry 29

Mad Season - I Don't Know Anything

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who I am

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who to be

Why we have to live in so much pain everyday? Oh yeah
Why the fighting and the coming down, am I sane?
I don't know, yeah

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who to be

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who I am

Why we have to live in so much pain everyday? Oh yeah
Why the fighting and the coming down, am I sane?
I don't know
When the teacher put the ruler down on my hand
I laugh!
Cross my heart and hide reliever in trails of blood,
I love?!?

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who I am

I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know anything
I don't know who to be

Why we have to live in so much pain everyday? Oh yeah
Why the fighting and the coming down, am I sane?
I don't know
When the teacher put the ruler down on my hand
I laugh!
Cross my heart and hide reliever in trails of blood,
I love?!?

Dear Diary:

I don't know where I am... or why I'm here. It's dark, very dark. All I have is this old diary. It's all I have left. I think I may be at Brandon's or Ryo's, maybe even the Villa... I don't know anymore. I can't care anymore.

I'm weak from blood loss from crying and I'm tired, I know dawn is coming soon. But I will not sleep. I can't remember all that happen, just pain... so much pain. I can't love anymore, it only brings pain. I want... to die. I feel sick. I need blood. But I will starve myself until I know what's going on. I only remember pain... what happened? I fear that I don't want to remember if I've already forgotten. Why does this empty chest feel like it's growing larger?

Where am I anyway? Why am I here? It is dark and I'm writing. I'm in a bed but who's? Where? Do I want to be here? I have a feeling I do. I'm still wearing the clothes that I left Ryo's in. Did I cry that much that I'm weak from blood loss? I can barely lift this pen in my hand.

I want Gabe... I...
... I am remembering. It has to do with him. This is about him. Why I hurt... is because of him. I remember seering pain... I over heard someone say "When Gabe and Naria are married...." I don't remember what else was said... I was too busy sobbing. Not only was he cheating on me with Michelle... he was engaged to someone else. Then there was fighting... lots of fighting. I was so glad Brandon was there.... or at least I think he was there. Yes, he was. I remember telling the girl about Gabe... how he two timed us both... she called me a liar. How could I lie about something that cut me so deep?

Maybe I dreamed this all up. No, the pain is too real. I remember confronting him... I think he ignored most of it. I remember everyone telling me to calm down. Was I yelling? I don't remember. Then he turned his attention from the girl to me. I don't remember what all he said to her. I don't think I was listening. I remember asking him why he would do this to me and feeling like a cheap whore. I knew I was. He said he was getting revenge for when I did this to him.... and something about filling a hole... or at least I think he said that. Did he? I think so. I remember crying, a lot. I remember telling him that I'd promised him I wouldn't do that to him again... because I didn't want to lose him again. That I do remember, because it is true.

Everything else is just a blurr of emotions. He got his revenge. I remember him saying something about wanting to know how it felt to use someone. He knows now. I will never love... trust another man again. I think I remember him asking for another chance? Was I dreaming that too? How many more chances do I have to give him? I would give him another chance, for him. But I couldn't ever trust him again. I may have told him that. He promised something... about a ring... and dying. Everything just slipped away. I can't... remember anything after that point. I think I may have passed out from blood loss.

I don't know where I am now. I'm too weak to care... to call out to ask. Maybe some more sleep will do me good. Maybe someone will check on me soon.

I love?... loved Gabe? I don't know... remember anymore. I think he told me he loved me. Maybe that was in my dream too. All I ever wanted was to hear that... but he said it when everthing was crumbling. God help me. Is there a God?

I want an iceblock to be in this empty chest of mine. Maybe that will stop the pain... the feelings. Yet didn't I know somewhere, doubt his love for me? Didn't I see this coming? Yes. But still I put all my faith, love, trust in him... if I didn't say anything then maybe he'd stay. What does it matter now? I can't remember anything. I love him? Maybe... I can't remember. My chest hurts. I feel... so sick. Was this all a dream? I want it to be. Everything is right. No, I know its not. Things will never be right.

I don't want to get up... ever... But I know I'll have to. I'll have to wish Icer a happy birthday. Family before myself. How will I get home? Was I supposed to throw Icer a birthday party? I don't... remember. I want this all to go away. I want so much for this all to be just a dream.

Hurt
Jade"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-20 14:00 EST

"-Entry 30

Breaking Benjamin - Until The End

So clever, whatever, I'm done with these endeavors
Alone I'll walk the winding way (here I stay)
It's over, no longer, I feel it growing stronger
I live to die another day, until I fade away

Why give up? Why give in?
It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become, desolate
It's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

Surround me, it's easy, to fall apart completely
I feel you creeping up again (In my Head)
It's over, no longer, I feel it growing colder
I knew this day would come to end, so let this life begin

Why give up? Why give in?
It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become, desolate
It's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

I've lost my way
I've lost my way
But I will go on until the end

Living is, hard enough, without you f*cking up

Why give up? Why give in?
It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become, desolate
It's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

I've lost my way
I've lost my way
But I will go on until the end

The final fight, I win
The final fight, I win
The final fight, I win

But I will go on until the end

Dear Diary:

Oh my god... What happened last night? I've got a hangover from hell... so I know I got plastered... really really wasted. Casidy was back... something about a Gator?

No no, Gator was the name of her new bed buddy back home. Yea, that was it. Gods, you don't know how much she's like me, man. So much. I mean, if I got to chill with her all the time... I'd like never be sober... And life would be so much easier, not remembering a damn thing or who you were with the night before.... It'd be like the old days. I don't think I realized how much I missed Cas until now. Damn. I could prolly write a whole book about our wild nights. You're only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on, and the friends you roll with. Damn straight.

Oh, I so think I missed something about Gabe. Did you know I suck so much arse at hating people? Yea, because I'm ubber mental I took him back. And I swear to everything that is holy if he ever does this to me again I'll kick his lil emo arse. I think I said this to Brandon... I think: We're too crazy to be together and too much alike o not be together, no matter how much we might drive each other up the walls. Of course I might have not even had said that... Seeing as I don't remember most of the night.

I remember coming into the Inn, not all there, to wish Icer a happy Birthday with a basket of muffins. And jus to throw this in, I found out that I was at Brandon's house the other night. That was good. Anyway, Icer had to leave and I went into the marketplace for some air. And who was there? Gabey. We b*tched back and forth about this and that until all that blood loss from the other night got to me. He let me beat him up until all my strength was gone. Brandon was there... and I almost fainted trying to get to him. Remind me never to skip two days worth of meals, K?

Because I couldn't ever think of harming Brandon and the fact that Gabe owed me... big time, I feedd off of Gabe. Well, I wouldn't go into any details about it.... about how his blood tastes oh so sweet. Oh god, I'm doing it again. Anyway, Like I took too much... and I hit something I shouldn't have. So Brandon gave Gabe something in a vial after I healed his neck. Brandon had to go and Miss Mary Read came from the shadows to talk to Gabe. She kept saying that this was the best and she hoped that we would be happy. I got a bad feeling from the conversation, ya know? Like they had been... together before. I didn't like it. But Miss Mary wished us well and disappeared again.

Gabe took me to his "Jade Sanctuary" then. Apparently everything in there reminds him of me. Even the plants? Huh, that's a new one. Somewhere in there I told him that I was cutting him off of... well... you know. I want to see if he really means it... that he'll stay with me for more than that. Then my pager went off. Seriously, I thought I took that out of my leather jacket. Guess not. But I'm glad I had it though. Cas was beeping me to get myself into the inn. Man, I love her!

After we started to drink... everything was kinda a blurr. I introduced then and Cas & I started talking about this and that. Then Wrath came it and tried to pick a fight with Gabe. What a downer, especially when whiskey makes me hot headed. Well, Cas had to go... prolly to that "Gator". Ha ha. But Wrath got all high and mighty ... and that sh*t donn't fly with me. She wanted to fight and I told her to stop ruining my night and that me and Gabe weren't going anywhere. She said, "I take that as your resignation from the Order." She ment The Order Of The Crimson Sun. Even if I wasn't in my drunken state I would have told her the same thing as I did. I believe my words were: "Resignation? F*cking that that as you want and shove it up yer arse." Yup, that was it. And she said something like, "I'm sure Bob will be glad to hear that." and she left. Damn straight he'll hear about this. No way I'm goin to let some punk with her head up her arse talk to me like that. I dun know wgere she gets this high and mighty sh*t thinkin she can just rule over the Order when Bob is gone, but she's gunna stop so help me god.

And I drank more and I think Icer came back in. I'm going to apologize for the way I acted. I mean, I didn't yell at her or anything... but it was just stupid of me to act like a sloppy drunk infront of her on her birthday. I'm a crappy sister.

Oh and I think Gabe asked about Eric again. I can't remember any of that conversation.

I asked Gabe to take me home and I know we screwed because I woke up with that after sex feeling... and the fact I had no clothes on tipped me off. Well, there went that "you're not gunna get any for a while" thing. I mean, but that didn't count, right? Technically, I wasn't all there and I was plastered off my pretty lil tush. And we all know how I get when I'm drunk... things happen. So yea, it doesn't count. I'm gunna cut him off for good, you hear me?!

Kiss Kiss
J"

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-27 16:53 EST

((OOC:...Seriously late...))

- Entry 31

System of a Down - Question

QUESTION!
Sweet berries ready for two
Ghosts are no different than you
Ghosts are now waiting for you
Are you

Sweet berries ready for two
Ghosts are no different than you
Ghosts are now waiting for you
Are you dreaming

Dreaming the night
Dreaming all right

Do we, do we know
When we fly
When we, when we go
Do we die

Sweet berries ready for two
Ghosts are no different than you
Ghosts are now waiting for you
Are you

Sweet berries ready for two
Ghosts are no different than you
Ghosts are now waiting for you
Are you dreaming

Dreaming the night
Dreaming all right

Do we, do we know
When we fly
When we, when we go
Do we die

Do we, do we know
When we fly
When we, when we go
Do we die

Dear Diary:

Um... Yea... Gabe's like half vampire now... or something. I guess I'm his... sire? Well, it's not like a usual fledgling/sire bond, I know that. I mean, I've always gotten mental messages from him... But shouldn't we be sharing empathy now? Urgh, I'm confused. Oh, and great, he has glimmer now. If we weren't attracted by each other enough, now he's got this. His is weak though.... But I guess since I love him it makes things worse. Oh me, what am I going to do?

Oh an there is a bunch of people out to kill me now. Well, Gabe and I... I guess. It all has to do with the friggin Order. I don't know all the details but Wrath and her boyfriend Vengence want to "punish" me. What did I freaking do to these people?! I even heard Bob was in on this! ARGH!

And Brandon blew up a mountain top trying to defend my honor and what not. Awe, I sseriously love that kid.

So well Brandon and I were messing around in the marketplace, then I get this mental message from Gabe. It was asking for help. Well, of course I was on my feet running before I could think. I ran into the sanctuary and there he was, half way passed out on the floor, bleeding. He told me he cut himself and it made his stomach turn and he fell to the floor weak. He cut himself? Great! He is emo! If he wasn't near death I would have yelled at him. Apparently he says that he's been fighting off the need for blood for over two weeks and that he was scared to tell me. Scared to tell me? I am a freaking vampire! He is either smart for not trying to worry me more or seriously stupid. I vote stupid, very stupid. You can't fight off this kind of hunger! ... Well, you can, but you won't win.

So I let him feed off me. What a better way to say "Hey, let's finalize you being a vampire" by giving him my blood. I wasn't thinking or being his sire or anything, I just acted. I already had his blood in me from the other day, So when I gave him my blood... I guess I'm his sire now. I mean... I never was one before so I don't know what its supposed to feel like. Only time will tell... But I know this isn't like any other fledgling/sire bond. ... I can't put my finger on it.

But he has glimmer now. Argh... if we weren't attracted to each other enough. Like most young vampires, his isn't very strong. Buuuut I guess since I'm already attracted to him that his glimmer is stronger on me. May the gods have mercy on me. But the funny thing is that he didn't believe me when I told him I never really used my glimmer on him before. I swear I haven't. I told him that he'd have known if I used it because he would have been knocked from his feet. We both dabbled with our glimmer for a bit. His only made me try to kiss him. I taught him how to turn it off and on... Well tried to at least. And my glimmer made him launch himself at me. Well, I told him didn't I? Then I remembered why I didn't usually turn my glimmer on... I can't really turn it back off. He ended up yelling at me and it scared it off.

Then I got this startling pain that ripped through my head. It was Brandon... he was hurt, deathly hurt. Gabe took me back to the market where I saw the scene. Wolv was harassing Brandon for information on the Bonny Corp. Brandon ended up falling from a building. Apparently this was all happening when I was tending to the mental. I thought to myself that I shouldn't have left Brandon, but yet again would I have really left Gabe to die? No, I wouldn't have. I just felt so bad that I left Brandon unprotected. No, its not that. Brandon is fully able to protect himself, though he hates conflict. It was that I wasn't there to protect my little brother myself. That I couldn't stop it. A girl named AJ was there and she was already trying to heal him. I bit open my wrist and pressed the blood to his lips. Of course, vampire blood helps heal faster. Wolv left after I yelled at him a little. We got Brandon healed enough to where he could talk. Poor Skittle Head. With a wiggle of my nose I sent him home, tucked in bed.

Oh my messed up life... A life I wouldn't change for the world.

Kisses
- Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-10-27 17:21 EST

((Over the week I was gone))

-Entry 32

Rob Zombie - Superbeast

Shriek the lips
Across ragged tongue,
Convulsing together.Sing
violently, Move the jaw
Cry aloud. Bound up the Dead
Triumphantly

The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
You pray so hard on bloody knees.
The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
Down in the cool air I can see.

Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast
Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast

Stir the limbs across the wrist,
Full possession of a memory.
Bury me as a dog,
Icy hands surrounding me.

The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
You pray so hard on bloody knees.
The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
Down in the cool air I can see.

Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast
Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast

Shriek the lips
Across ragged tongue,
Convulsing together.Sing
violently, Move the jaw
Cry aloud. Bound up the Dead
Triumphantly

The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
You pray so hard on bloody knees.
The ragged they come and
The ragged they kill!
Down in the cool air I can see.

Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast
Hey, Yeah - I'm the one that you wanted
Hey, Yeah - I'm the Superbeast

Dear Diary:

I'm going to be in Shiverport for about a week. Hopefully I'll be back by Friday. I feel so bad, I didn't even wrie Gabe a note telling him what's going on. It all came up so suddenly, I didn't have time. I'm at Shaggy's now.

Usually when Eric calls my cell, I open it then shut it right away. But this... was weird. I actually answered it. Instantly he starts going into this speel about a Level E vampire loose in the Shiverport and Bon Temps area. Even as much as I hate Eric, I'm not going to let some crazed vampire seeing red stalk over my home. No way.

I don't think Eric called Casidy, I haven't seen her. She's probably out on another bounty. That Cas. I lover her to bits, but sometimes I think she's going to work herself to death... er... redeath.

Well, I'm stuck here until Eric gives Shaggy and me another call. Hopefully it'll be soom. I hate this "Hurry up and wait" game. They had me hurry up and get here then tell me that we have to wait for more information. It was reported a human death in the woods west of here right before dawn a dew days ago. Poor hunter. When the hunter becomes the hunted. Then things got really if-y when then next day a human was found in a dark alley way drained. Great, a dark alley... If our images wasn't bad enough. Eric snooped around a bit and picked up the scent of a vampire. When a few more bodies started to piling up, he called me.

Oh, for the record a Level E vampire is one that hasn't changed with the times or hasn't been taught how to do it. More are new born vamps. I'd hate to try to take down an old school Level E-er. That'd be like trying to take out Eric, times ten. That spells bad. I mean, new born vamps are super strong too, but that's about all they've got. They rely on brute force only, not skill or stelth. That's why new borns are so easy to take out.
But if its an old school Level E-er, we are in a world of hurt. Not only will it have sheer brute strength, but skill and stelth as well. Sh*t.

Well, I better go before Eric calls Shaggy and me and we're not ready or something. We gotta load up and get our groove on.

Kisses
-Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-11-30 07:58 EST

-Entry 33

Avenged Sevenfold - Unholy Confessions

"I'll try!" she said as she walked away.
"Try not to lose you."
Two vibrant hearts could change.
Nothing tears the pain more than deception,
unmasked fear.
"I'll be here waiting" tested and secure.

Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me.
When sin's deep in my blood,
you'll be the one to fall.

"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all.
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confided in me was your heart.
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."

Nothing will last in this life
our time is spent constructing,
now you're perfecting a world... meant to sin.
Constrict your hands around me,
squeeze till I cannot breathe,
this air tastes dead inside me,
contribute to our plague.
Break all your promises,
tear down this steadfast wall,
restraints are useless here,
tasting salvation's near.

AH

Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me
When sin's deep in my blood,
you'll be the one to fall.

"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confided in me was your heart.
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."

AH!!

Dear Diary:

I don't feel like getting you up to date on everything, so I won't. I know I'm horrible - Deal with it.

I want out. Of relationships, of everything that has to do with love. UGH. I'm tired of all this sh*t. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired. I'm tired of promising forever to people when I know it won't last, and worse - they believing me. Why me? I'm tired of guys treating me like sh*t and me loving them so much. I'm tired of being used for one thing only. Yet, that's all I'm good for. I'm completely unfaithful and I get bored easily. I'm tired of not getting over people then making promises to them I can't keep. I want out. I want to be single again.

Oh, to be free again. Even just the thought makes me giddy inside. But I know it will take a hell of a time gaining my freedom. I'll tell Gabe more lies and keep Michale waiting forever. I just want to get away from them for a while. I want to "study" abroad. Yes, I'm just the worst person ever. I don't care. I want to see what else is out there besides Michale and Gabe. I want to forget them. I want to shed the image of Jadey and the "love triangle".

Maybe Gabe and Michale will get it. But haven't I already hit them both with the same blah blah blah? Yes I have and I'll do it again. Jadey doesn't do commitment and they know that. When things get too serious, I run. I used to think that I wanted to get mairried, now I realize its the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to have fun. Be me, anyway I can.

Wolv and I are in the same boat. Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby. Anyway, yea, Wolv and I've been talking alot lately. Nothing serous or anything. Well, nothing serious in Jadey terms. But I never realized how bad Gabe kept me from takling to people sometimes. Like when Gabe is around he wants me to to be all his. Jealous much? And I've never realized how much this town hates him. Hm... isn't that saying something?

Anyway, back to Wolv. We've both decided to hang up our dating hats... together. Well, he still has his ex (Well, not ex because they are kinda dating off and on) is still hanging around him alot. His ex is Ren (not Renna. That'd be bad), so she's one of my friends. So I don't mind much. And I still have Gabe. I guess we both can't really hang up our hats. It'd be nice though. We had coffee the other day then hung out in the inn the day before that. He really is kinda cool. We mess around, flirt and studd, but nothing's gunna become of it for a while. Even if shomething did, it'd totally be coom because we're both just looking for fun not commitment.

But it's totally nothing serious right now... totally.

Kisses,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-11 17:19 EST

-Entry 34

Linkin Park - My December

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Dear Diary:

Yup, it's kinda been crazy lately. Instead of doing what I was going to do in the entry before, I go off and get engaged ... again. Instead of going all "F*ck you", I'm like "Oh! I love you." Ah, the twisted ways. Casidy and everyone is happy for me... and Franco hasn't been around to blog anout it. Eric... Well, Eric isn't too happy about it. But it was nice the other day at the inn. Cas, Eric, and I were all there. It was like the whole Bon Temps group was back together. That'll never happen. I don't think Cas'll ever talk to Bill again. Not that she totally hates him, it's that she couldn't let herself face him again. Hm, I know that feeling. I thought about asking Jen to be one of my Bride's maid's, but I don't know with the babies and all. I bet she'd do it. Cas is going to be my maid of honor. Claira is going to be the flower girl. I don't know if Gabe'll have a best man.... maybe Brandon'll do it. But it's best if I don't think much about it, I might scare myself out of doing it. After all, I still have two months. It's near my birthday then.

Anyway, there is more. Well, wouldn't ya know it? My heart that I didn't even know about was evil? I mean, everything is okay now, kinda, but for three days I was... a mess... a killer. A part of me, evil, killed five men in three days. Oh, it had to be picky for the killing. Just men. Lust and all that jazz. My evil is the freaky type. But it's not like we didn't see that one coming. I'm Jade for God's sake. But what I mean about things being "kinda" alright now it that what caused the evil was my new heart beating, causing evil blood to pusle through my veins. Well, even though the source of my problem is now gone seeing as Gabe ripped it out, the bad blood is still there. So, I don't know when the evil will be back, but I know sometime it will. It's just a matter of time. Ah, how sucky that when I actually got a heart back that it was evil. And when it beat, I got to feel what it felt like to truly be alive again.... only to be taken over by evil. Sad.

Oh well, back to mindless doodling of "Jade Ashlocke" again. For some reason, it feels so weird.

Kisses!
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-13 17:10 EST

-Entry 35

Korn - Falling Away From Me

Hey, I'm feeling tired
My time is gone today
You flirt with suicide
Sometimes that's OK
Do what others say
I'm here standing hollow
Falling away from me, falling away from me

Day, is here fading
That's when I'm insane
I flirt with suicide
Sometimes kill the pain
I can't always say
'It's gonna be better tomorrow'
Falling away from me, falling away from me.

(Chorus)
Beating me down, beating me, beating me down,
Down, into the ground, screaming so sound,
Beating me, beating me, down, down
Into the ground

(falling away from me)
It's spinning round and round
(falling away from me)
It's lost and can't be found
(falling away from me)
It's spinning round and round
(falling away from me)
Slow it down

Beating me down, beating me, beating me
Down, down, into the ground, screaming so sound,
Beating me, beating me, down, down
Into the ground

Twisting me, they won't go away
So I pray, go away

Life's falling away from me,
Its falling away from me,
Life's falling away from me, FUCK!

Beating me down, beating me, beating me
Down, down, into the ground, screaming so sound
Beating me, beating me, down, down
Into the ground

(falling away from me)
Beating me down
(falling away from me)
Beating me, beating me
(falling away from me)
Down, down
(falling away from me)
Into the ground
Screaming so sound
(falling away from me)
Beating me, beating me
Down, down
(falling away from me)
Into the ground

Dear Diary:

How'z it? Guess what! I've made up my mind and I'm going to run for Governess! MUA HA HA!! Jade-Zilla '08. I couldn't think of a slogan or anything so it's just "rawr". So.... Yea, ha ha. I don't think RhyDin's ever had a stripper for Gov'nuh... Well, seeing as Kitty's been the only one. Yea... I'm going to have most of the male vote. Ha ha. And Vinny's going to be my Vice gov'nuh. Yay!

So anyway, I think Gabe and I are going to get married on my birthday. February the sixth. I'm actually going to do it. I might faint or something.

This was relatively short.... cuz I don't have much to say. Wow, for once.

Kisses
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-17 18:28 EST

-Entry 36

Fall Out Boy - Golden

How cruel is the golden rule
When the lives we lived are
Only golden plated?

And I knew that
The lights of this city
Were too heavy for me
And Though I carry karats
For everyone to see

And I saw God cry in
The reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers
With no time for me
And all of the mothers
Raised their babies
To stay away from me

Tongues on the sockets
Of electric dreams
When the sewage of youth
Drowned the spark of my teens

And I knew that
The lights of this city
Were too heavy for me
(Too heavy for me...)
And though I carry karats
For everyone to see
(Everyone to see...)

And pray they don?t grow up to be me...

Dear Diary:

The worst and best thing just happened the other day. Michale is... back. Right after Gabe and I get engaged. What timing! I feel extra horrible. Oh... and did I mention that I can walk in the sunlight now? Oh yea, I can walk in the sun. Yay! I'm a daywalker now! How you ask? Well, this guy I met the other day, Karadis, did this ritual thing... so yea. He said that he just aged me like five hundred years. Wow, so I'm like seven hundred and seven years old. Ack! I'm ooooold. Ew. But at kest I can tan now, for real. Heh. But now I got this protection symbol carved into my hand.... it's not noticable.... but.... it just feels weird. Dude had to stab me in the chest with this dagger thing too.... and it wasn't cool. It hurt like hell.

Baaaaack to Michale. Well, it seems that he had to go back to Earth to fight some lycans. I should probably asked him where and call Eric if there's more... Hm. Anyway, he looked pretty beat up when he walked in... and he walked in when the ritual was going down. Awkkkkkward. He has this new scar running down the .... what was it? Left side of his face? I think it was. It doesn't match him at all. His face is too kind and soft for that. It's... weird. I hope Claira doesn't ask too much about it.

But I felt... so bad when he asked if I told Gabe that I wanted out. Of course I hadn't. I was too busy getting engaged. I told him that he could come to the wedding if he wanted to. That was the stupidest thing I could've said. But I did. He said that he shouldn't, that it would only cause problems. Yes, it probably would. Then he went to leave. I tried to stop him but... he said that there was nothing else to say. Of course I'm too stubborn to let things go that easily, I chased after him. I got lost... seeing as I didn't know where he went to, but I knew it was his house when I smacked into it. Seriously, who paints their house tree color in the glen? Michale and his complex self. I knocked on his door, playing up the "It's cold out here, let me in" bit. He did think of the fact that weather doesn't effect us, only a woman in distress.

We talked a while, and I learned that my tears are now black. Odd. But it's funny how he still wears our engagement band. I hate myself because of his hope for us. I hate that he won't give up. I hate that I can't let go. I hate that I love two men. The other being the most ignorant man in the face of the Earth... No no, the face of every world that ever was. We'll get back to that. But Claira is staying with him for now. She hasn't seen him in a while, so I thought it was only fair. I mumbled a 'I love you' and left. I hit the ground running. Thank God it was a lazy day, because I can not run in heels.

And then I tripped over a mass of snow. That mass being Gabe. First I was pissed at him because he got in a extremely stupid fight earlier with some guy, and second I was pissed at myself and agravated. So when he started to apologize, I yelled a 'f*ck you' and decked him. I know, I know. Harsh. But I didn't care, I just turned and stomped off. He followed. He started going on about how he didn't want to fight anymore with anyone and he wanted to change. Well, he asked for it. So, I chewed him a new one. I forget all I said, but it was things he needed to hear. He just fell into silence. thank God. So, I think Ryo (Yea, Ryo came in there somewhere) and I may have fixed him. Maybe, we'll see.

Kisses
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-19 15:29 EST

-Entry 37

Mudvayne - Happy?

In this hole
That is me
The dead are rolling over
In this hole
Thickening
Dirt shoveled over shoulders

I feel it in me
So overwhelmed
Oh, this pressured center rising
My life overturned
Unfair the despair
All these scars keep ripping open

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

In this hole
That is me
A life that's growing feeble
In this hole
So limiting
The sun has set; all darkens

Buried underneath
Hands slip off the wheel
Internal path-way to contention

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

Are you
HAPPY?

Are you
HAPPY?

Are you feeling happy?

In this hole
That is me
Left with a heart exhausted
What's my release??
What sets me free?
Do you pull me up just to push me down again?

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Peel me from the skiiiiiiiiiin
Peel me from the skiiiiiiiiiin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear me from the boooooooooone
Tear me from the boooooooooone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you f*cking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you f*cking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Dear Diary:

Not much happening in the world of Jadey... but there is other stuff going on with others. Like Hina, she's pregnant and Skid is the father. Woo. Yippee. More family to take care of. And Brandon hasn't been around lately... hm. So Rhy came in last night asking if it was okay if she moved on. I was so touched. I see where she'd coming from with this. He cares more about work then their relationship. Of course I said it was okay... as long she didn't do him wrong. But I know she won't.

Oh, and yesterday Skid, Ryo, this girl I just met, and I ran into the inn in musketeers outfits. Yes, the four musketeers. Woo.
I talked to Michale a bit. We were just kidding around and Franco had to go and infer stuff in his blog. Oh well, it could've been worse.

Annnd to top it off, I think Gabe is like avoiding me ever since I bitched him out. Oh woe is me. Go me. I ruin EVERYTHING. Score.

Anyway, this entry was the product of sheer boredom. I think I'm going to go tan... or shopping.... or something.

Kisses
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-29 17:06 EST

-Entry 38

Deftones - Change (In the House of the Flies)

I watched you change
Into a fly
I looked away
You were on fire
I watched a change in you
It's like you never had wings
And you feel so alive
I've watched you change

I took you home
Set you on the glass
I pulled off your wings
Then I laughed
I watched a change in you
It's like you never had words
Now you feel so alive
I watched you change

It's like you never had...

annhh-ahah

I look at the cross
And I look away
Give you the gun
Blow me away
I watched a change in you
It's like you never had words
Now you feel so alive
I've watched you change
And you feel alive
You feel alive (2x)
I've watched you change
It's like you never had...

annhh-ahah
You change

Dear Diary:

Things are... complicated. I'm not going to go through with it. I'm not. Gabe can kiss my a$$. I don't want him, I don't want anything. He's on assignment or something, whatever. He's always gone or doing something. And when he gets back... it's the same thing night after night. I hate it. He lives for it, I just want to get away. So when he gets back from this assignment, I'll be gone. The villa will be empty. I don't ever want to see him again. I'll be free, like I should. I'm not to be tied down.

Rhy, Cas, Lang, Darky, and my own daughter for God's sake tell me that I'm making the wrong choice by staying with him time and time again. I am his no longer. I am no one's, I am for myself. I need this, the comfort of being alone. So here I go again, for the last time. I'm packing my things as we speak. I will not settle an I'll be damned if I settle for less. I'm just getting married to be married, to settle. No, not Jadey.

And there's so many better choices then Gabe. From this moment forward, I will not utter his name again. I will shed no tears. Being the cold hearted bitch gets the job done easier. I don't love him.

And there's this demon, Damien. He worries me. Because he is exactly like me. Looking for love that'll never happen in all the wrong places, settling for less. I play the cold hearted tease around him, but he is what I never show. Though its the whiskey that talks the most with him. I find myself. I find myself trying to to watch over him in an odd way, though I know its not my place. His main goals are Kai and I. He wants Kai far more than me, that is clear to see. But I know all he wants at the nd of the night is a woman laying in his arms after making love. Sometimes I think I should sleep with him just to make him happy. At the need of the night he's all but given up completely. It's easier to talk to him then. Because he's completely plastered and he won't remember what I say. It's better that way, him not to know about the troubles I had.

Oh, before I go I must mention that Rhy is dating Deany now. It is the cutest thing ever. She's head over heels for him. Rhy's a nice good girl and Dean deserves someone like that. Rosie would want that, God rest her soul.
And Rhy wants me to date Ty, another one of the Pi boys. He's cute too. But I don't think he's into me like that... maybe... I mean, he could be... Well, I dunno.

But I'm taking this ring off for good. Goodbye whats-his-face, hello freedom.

Kisses
Jadey-kins

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2007-12-31 14:15 EST

-Entry 39

Stone Sour - Zzyzx Rd.

I don't know how else to put this.
It's taken me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.

My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.

Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.

I'm only here for a while.
Patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I dont know why.

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I dont really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through?

Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

Dear Diary:

Oh me... Save me. Everything is hitting me at once... in an extremely good way and a terribley bad way... if that makes sense.... which it probably doesn't. Like after three days after I broke everything off completely... all the emotions wound up and smacked me in the face last night. I mean, not that I was sad or anything... it was just the emotions. I'm not as cold hearted as I try to be. I felt lost... kinda. But Kai, Kit, the demon, and Rhy all snapped me out of it.

But it was kind of funny when we tried to plan a sleepover. Damien wouldn't agree to let us put make up on him and prettify him. What a bummer! But we did say if he danced for us (Rhy, Kit, and I) he could come. After much coaxing and me saying that I would dance too, he finnnnnnnnally agreed. See, bring a former stripper has its plus sides. And Rhy came up with another nickname for me: Jade-Z. But I shortened it more to J-Z... Get it? Like that rapper from Earth? Ha Funny! HA! ...Okay, yea, cheesy.

Oh, speaking of the demon himself, Damien, I don't know about him! He's soooo confusing. One minute he's paying no mind to me at all and the next he's making me blush up a storm. Jadey doesn't blush! Jadey makes other people blush, not the other way around! Argh! I hate it! Then at times he's so nice... even if he doesn't realize it. I have to get ahold of myself! Jadey is the temptress! Oh great, now he's making me talk in third person. If I'm not crazy already!

No no, but I can't fall for him... because I'm supposed to be trying to get Ty... Right? Yea yea. Rhy said that the other night she was dropping hints to him that I was single now. Aw, how cute of Rhy... but OH MY GAW! Oi. I don't know now. I'm in SUCH a pickle. Pickle I say, PICKLE. Ty is so cute... and NORMAL for once. But I still don't think he likes me like that. Oh my, I feel like one of those school girls. Kill me.

And to top it off, I keep getting ragged on by Franco! I seriously want to know what I did to that guy. He makes me all sad inside.

Kisses
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-01 14:24 EST

-Entry 40
The first entry of the new year! Happy '08!!

A.F.I. - Prelude 12/21

This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought
You may forget me
I promise to depart
just promise one thing
Kiss my eyes
And lay me to sleep

This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought
You may forget me
I promise you my heart
Just promise to sing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

This is what I thought
I thought you'd need me
This is what I thought
So think me naive
I'd promise you a heart
You'd promise to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Dear Diary:

Happiness... what a strange thing. Honesty... such a strange language, a language hardly ever spoken to me. It was spoken to me last night. Oh the smiles my face held. What do I speak of? Just the sweetest lil demon you ever did see! Well, next to Ryo of course. Come on, who can top Ryo? But yes, the demon I speak of is Damien! *squeel* I'm so happy just to be happy again. I'm proud of myself! Yea.... I know. WTF? What about freedom? The singleness? Answer: I didn't think I would be swept off my feet... and I can't live without men.

I think the New Year is going to be profoundly better than my last. Aaaannnnnddddd I think I found Cas a new man! HA! Lil Matty... how cute~
Yea, this is ubber short... can't compress my thoughts into words.

Kisses<3
Zilla!

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-05 15:22 EST

-Entry 41

Atreyu - When Two Are One

BANG!
Explosions in my head that just won't quit
A train has crashed into the wall around my heart and left the old me dead
Obliterated

STOP!
My breathing in the night when you're not there
The silence ringing through my ears and all I want to do is hear your voice
But you're not there

Drawn Together
Painter's brush stroke
Sleight of hand
We won't go up in smoke
Fates colliding
Love undying

Like the rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

Like the rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

GO!
And take away the pain of being me
Soothe my soul caress my heart and
end my fear all my bad memories
Eradicated

RING!
Like gunshots heard against a silent night
My love is louder than these words
They're stronger than the rest, unstoppable

Drawn together
Painter's brush stroke
Slight of hand
We won't go up in smoke
Fates colliding
Love undying

Like the rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

Like the rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

Will never die

Drawn together
Painter's brush stroke
Slight of hand
We won't go up in smoke
Fates colliding
Love undying

Like the Rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To Simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

Like the Rising tide
Beating hearts grow but never die
To Simplify
I'll stand by your side
Close my eyes
Hope will never die

Yeah

Dear Diary:

I fell asleep in his arms... and woke up without him. I fretted a bit... but realized he has other things besides me to worry about. But it would've been nice to wake up in his arms... it's been a while since I've been that happy. It feels... so weird.

There has been alot of arguing lately... because of me. I really truely hate fighting. There is no need. Last night it was Vinny. Rhy and Damien kinda went ape sh*t at a comment I know he was kidding about... everything went down hill. Vinny said somethings that seriously hurt me. I don't think he ment it... but still, he said it. They didn't fight though, thank god.

So after they stopped arguing, Rhy, Damien, and I went to Teas'n Tomes. Mostly Rhy and me jus waved our tush's around because we're smexy. Then Ryo came in. We didn't crazy things and joked around. God, I love my friends. But I ended up falling asleep in Damien's arms. I think I slept better than I have been in a while.

Kisses
Zilla

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-06 18:02 EST

-Entry 42

Boys Like Girls - Hero/Heroine

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you can get in line
But not this time

Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

Dear Diary:

Today was crazy... in so many good ways. Nothing bad happened. Well, except when Ty was being mean to Yami... But we'll let that pass... for now. I found out that I mumble and sing in my sleep. Yea... it's odd. I'll explain later.

And I find myself in my demon's arms as we speak. He's asleep. Do demon's sleep? I wonder if he's faking it. Nah, he looks too cute to be trying to be asleep. I'm trying not to move that much... not to wake him. It's hard writing sideways. Well, it's not like I'm going to wake him and be like "Get up, I need to write." That's just horrible. Frankly, I don't want him to know I have a diary at all... Not like it's a uncommon thing for a girl to have. But mine's different... Well, not really. It's mine. That's why I'm terrified that he could be faking sleep. I don't want him to see it... read it. Oi, I'm thinking too much. When you live forever, all you have is time... to think.

Why am I so terrified of him reading this thing? It's just words and just my records of the days as they go by. No, it's much more than that. It's my thoughts, my feelings at the time. Most of them aren't pretty. Is that what I'm afraid to show him? My ugliness, my insides? Or is it the past? Do I not want him to know my past?

Okay, enough over thinking. JenJen and Bri were in the inn today. I believe Yami-kins thinks we're crazy. Ah, the inside jokes. Personally, our sanity is yet to be known. Then Jen, Yami, and I got into a nerf gun/super soaker battle. Ah, I missed Jen, my Red Headed Beastie.

Did I mention that a few girls and I started a sorority? Well, we did. Chi Zeta Kappa. It has a ring to it.

Later I hung out at the tea shop with Ryo. We watched the Hulk dance. He gots some moves for a big guy. Then the usual crew shipped in. I'm starting to believe that the tea house is our new hang out. We all laughed and had a good ol' time as we do. Yami and I even had anoher nerf battle. Damien had to go... but promised to visit me later... to shut off all the lights of my room and the shadows would guide him to me. Ah, the perks of dating a shadow demon. <3

After he left, more chaos insued. We are a troublesome group. I swear the nexus ate Rhy 50 times... I sh*t you not. Cas told me the lycans were trying to kill mer and stuff. She has a spot on her shoulder where they shot her and it won't heal. The lycans back home thinks she's dead. Somewhere in there I cried. I couldn't even think of losing her! It'd kill me! Even if we don't see each other all that much ... I'd die without her. She's all I had for such a long time. She's a part of me and vice versa. Oh... it hurts to think about it. Anyway, then Ty threatened Yami with a big dog. That was so mean. I fell asleep soon after... somehow. Then Yami did too. I think I heard Cas say that I was singing and saying weird thing in my sleep. And I'm pretty sure I heard Ty say that I sing better in my sleep. I resent that. That meanie. Cas laughed and I woke up... then I was alseep again... only to awaken again by landing on Yami... and to see Dean humping a naughty nurse outfitted Ty... Er.. Tyra. Jesus Christ, I know. WTF? Yami got it all on video with my phone... ha! Score!

I left too, soon after everything cooled off. I went to my room and shut off all the lights. My demon came to me. All we did was talk, nothing more... which was extremely odd. I mean, we could've done more, but we didn't. It's like he knows his boundries and won't cross them until I tell him it's okay.... well, most of the time anyway. He's perfect to me in every way... no matter what anyone says. I keep thinking about earlier in the tea shop... he slipped up and almost said he loved me. I know that's what he was going to say. Does he? Do I love him? It's too early to tell... but I care for him... so much. He even quit smoking because of me. Not that I told him to, it's not my body. I just said I didn't like it all that much... and he stopped. Amazing.

We didn't talk about all that much... just mindless banter until I fell asleep. I guess he did too... because here he is as I write. I wonder if he'll be here in the morning... or when ever I wake up again. I guess I'll find out...

Kisses...
JaDe-ZiLlA

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-09 17:17 EST

-Entry 43

No Doubt - Bathwater

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much to heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I cant help it...you're my kind of man

Haunted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
On your list with all your other women

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it.. your my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

And so I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of troubles
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man

I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it... you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

Dear Diary:

The past few days have been okay. I haven't really been able to spend that much time with Damien, which makes me kinda sad. Like, he's perfectly perfect to me and I really don't want to lose him. I might cry. Yea, cry a lot. I mean, I don't even know why I'm worried so much about it. We haven't even neen dating for that long anyway. Argh, I piss myself off sometimes. I see him in the inn then at night when I go to my room and shut off all the lights. That's where we spend most of our time together, talking mindlessly about this and that.

So here I am again, in his sleeping arms again. We talk until one of us fall asleep, which more often than not it's me asleep first. It's funny in that sweet way to watch him sleep. He's so unlike himself, so innocent and unguarded. Strange. Well, not Really. It happens a lot with most people when they sleep. They spend all their time building up this wall while they're awake... and then while they're in slumber, it all comes crashing down... at least on the outside. And he doesn't snore. Now that's a plus. Oh my gaw, I wonder if I snore. That'd be horrible if he watches me sleep! Awww, now I feel all sad inside. But I also do wonder what he sees and thinks when he watches me sleep. Am I more guarded then? Does it show on my face or the position my body curls in? Here I go again, thinking too much. Hm, it's funny how I only write my diary in his sleeping arms now. When I'm without him I can't write.

Oh, I was in the Oracle this month for the "meet the candidates" in the RhyDin election. They got such a good picture of me for it. Sexy. Ha. Damien says I'm a sure-fire to win the election. I don't know about that. I mean, I know I'll be in the top for gov'nuh... But I don't think I'll win. I know it's going to come down to Cor, G'Nort, Wolvie and me. That I'm pretty sure of. We'll see, ya know?

So yea, I'm totally happy now. I've got the bestest cutest perfectest boyfriend ever and the bestest coolest sweetest BFFs evar. My life ... er... after life... pretty much rawks.

Kisses!
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-14 18:02 EST

-Entry 44

Flyleaf - Perfect

Sick of circling the same road
Sick of bearing the guilt
So open the windows to cool off
And heat pours in instead

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

All my efforts to clean me
Leave me putrid and filthy
And how can you look at me
When I can't stand myself

I'm tired to be honest
I'm nobody

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

Perfect in weakness
I'm only running in just your strength alone

I tried to kill you
You tried to save me

You save me
You save me
You save me
You save me

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

Perfect in weakness
I'm only running in just your strength alone

Dear Diary:

Oi, it's been a few days since I wrote anything in here. I was in Shiverport all Weekend. Claira called from Michale's wanting to see Eric. Hm, funny. Oh, how I hate him and she loves him so. And I took her, of course. Not like I could tell her no; I promised her and I promised him. No matter what I can't deny him that part of me... her. We didn't do much... I helped out at Fangsta as Eric and Claira were out and about. He took her to Disney World... at night. Argh! That was supposed to be mu thing I did with my own daughter! None-the-less, I yelled at him when Claira fell asleep. He just gave me that sneer. I hate that sneer.

So, I came back to RhyDin last night and went down stairs to the inn earlier today to see my demon. He wasn't there. Well, he wasn't there when I was. Cas called me to say she passed through and saw him somewhere. I flipped out. Argh. Just my luck too. I missed him so much and I didn't even get to see him. Hopefully I'll get to see him tomorrow.

I asked Rhy if she had seen him the few days I was gone. She said yes and he was missing me horribley. Well... that's what she said. (Franco says something else... but I'll pay him no mind! >.<) But... I asked Rhy if she thought he might cheat on me. She said no, that she didn't think he would do that. I told her I knew that and I do know that. I'm just worried. It's just that the guys that I date usually don't have a good track record of not cheating on me when I'm gone. I'd never bring this up infront of Damien. I'm afraid he might get mad at me for even thinking bad of him... that I don't trust him. It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't trust the whole male population. It's such a twisted love affair men and I have.

And so, Yami, Rhy, and I have a new little club for when we are missing and without our men. It's called "The Misses" club. Get it? Misses... like for women and misses as in missing someone. Well, Yami doesn't really count as a "misses" since she's still married to Lexy... but... you get the point. The Misses Unite! Oi...

I'll just lay in bed alone tonight. My demon doesn't have to come, he's probably busy... doing demony things. Over the weekend I got use to sleeping alone again.

It seems Rhy and I are in the same boat in love matters. We still aren't sure if we love Damien (for me!) and Dean (for Rhy!). It's too early, even though I want to. I'm scared... to fall totally in love... to give my "heart" away... then to get crushed again. I'm tired of hurting. Maybe... just maybe... He can fix me. Oh yes, I'm not going to have sex with him until I think the time is right. Yea, I know... what a bummer. Too many times has sex complicated things in my relationships. Blurring love and lust. Not this time... This will be different.
Well, with this said... This all depends if I can keep my lust in check. Damien makes it so hard! Argh him...

Kisses,
Jadey-kins

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-16 17:18 EST

-Entry 45

Sick Puppies - All The Same

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I don't mind, I don't care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Dear Diary:

Yay, my demon is back with me and I'm happy once more. Well, mostly. He was doing a favor for Skidly and got hurt. He went up to heaven... Er... or whatever it is up there that's light and BAM! he got all kinds of pain. He didn't fight or anything. Just instant hurt. My poor demon, aww. But he's slowly healing up as he drinks this black stuff, yuck. He'll be better soon. Yippee!

It's always funny how the night ends, with him asleep and I writing. Jibberish, always jibberish. Though, tonight we talked about vampires. It seems Damien is hunting a vampire that's bothering Skid. I'll be happy to help with anything, though I'll be none too pleased if he gets hurt. Just the thought of it pains me. Oh, woe is me! Hm, I guess I'll just watch his beautiful face until I drift away again... or he wakes up... That'd be kinda awkward.

I haven't seen Rhy in a full day. I'm having withdrawls. Oh, and I met this new vampire chick named Lyren. She has the grooviest red hair ever. Oi, I wouldn't ever dye my hair any other color. My hair is too pretty. Well, there was this one time Tanny dyed my hair pink... but it came out later that same night .... Thank God.

Umm yea... about that running for Gov'nuh thing.... Well, I'm out of the race. I lost. Oh well. I'll just back up Wolvie now! Woo.

Kisses,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-20 17:22 EST

-Entry 46

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Otherside

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up and brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I've got to take it on the otherside

Centuries are what it meant to me
A cemetery where I marry the theif
A Stranger thing that never changed my mind
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slitin' my throat
It's all I ever

Pour my life into a paper cup
The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts
She wants to know am I still a slut
I've got to take it on the otherside

Scarlet starlet and she's in my bed
A candidate for my soul mate bled
Pull the trigger and pull the blade
I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside
Take it on
Take it on

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slittin' my throat
It's all I ever

Turn me on take me for a wild ride
Burn me out leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that
It's not my friend
I tear it down I tear it down
And then it's born again

How long how long will I slide
Separate my side I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slittin' my throat
It's all I ever had I don't
I don't believe it's bad
Slit my throat
It's all I ever

Dear Diary:

The past two days have been f*cking crazy. Like literally... f*cking crazy. Lots and lots of crying... and vomitting... and angry muffin baking. It's funny how sometimes baking makes me feel so much better. I know, odd ain't it? Well... not really. Eh.

But whhhhy do you ask? Damien! Oi. Sooooo not cool. He lied to me... about lying to me! Okay, so this is how it all started a day ago. I read in Franco's blog about how Damien was "playing me like a fiddle." I looked over it, even though it killed my mood. Then to find out he was kissin all on this girl Lanta and went up to her room! Cue histerics! The water works insued. Not a happy camper. Rhy and Brandon jus said it was probably nothing and not to get so worked up. Well hell, that's like asking a painter not to paint. It just doesn't happen. I got sick and barfed for like 20 minutes straight. So, the demon came in and we started to talk... inbetween my sobs. I fainted somewhere in there. I used up all my strength vomitting and sobbing. I wake up and we started talking again. He didn't deny that they kissed or that he went up to her room, but he said she kissed him and they only went to her room to talk. He said that I shouldn't have gotten so worked up before talking to him. After a while, I felt like a f*cktard for making such a big deal about it.

Soooo last night I came in, feeling better ya know. I was talking to Wolvie and he asked how I was. I said fine other than the fact I cried alot the night before. He asked why and I told him about me finding out about Lanta and Damien. Little did I know Lanta was there! Icer pointed her out... and I gave her the stare down. Lanta told me that she wouldn't have kissed him if she knew he was with someone and that if hadn't prevoked her. The other side of the story comes out! I would've ripped her throat out if I thought she was lying... but I knew she wasn't. I was only angry at myself and Damien. Oh, and wouldn't you know it? Damien came in AS Lanta was telling me this. Hm, funny. Well, I couldn't deal with everything at the moment... so I went to my room for a while.

I came back down after snagging my apron and went directly to the kitchen, not saying a word to anyone as I went. I baked like the wind! Er.. the wind doesn't bake, but you get it. I said a few streams of profanities that would have made any sailor blush as I clanged pots and pans around. I made Icer's hatchlings a bag of never ending muffins. Oh yea, Icer's preggers again.... I swear to God after this clutch... I'M GETTING ICER FIXED!!
Annnnnnyway...
Damien slipped in through the kitchen window as I baked. I ignored him a while before I finally said something. We bickered for a while... Well, it was more like I yelled at him as he took the blame. He knew he was wrong... good boy. I swear on all that's holy I would've ripped his throat out... if I didn't want to see him get hurt. I can't stand myself, I should've slapped him. It took all that I had to not to, just to keep mixing that damn batter. It's because I fell for him... and I weakened and told him that I love him. He said that he was sorry that he lied to me, that he did that to me, and that he loved me too. After that... well, I couldn't keep my guard up. I cried. He cried (though he will never ever admit that to anyone... probably me either though I saw!).

So... we're okay now. Everything's straightened out and this'll never happen again. If it did, I told him I'd kill him. Nah, not harsh at all.
We went down to the Arena and I watched him duel. He lost... to a girl. Ooooo, burn. I told him not to worry about it, that I never win either. And that's the truth!

We went back to the inn and hung out a bit. I even saw Chris! I haven't seen him in AGES!! We talked a while before the nexus attacked... me. So, I woke up in Bon Temps.... eh. The nexus hates me!

Loves,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-21 14:40 EST

-Entry 47

Type O Negative - Black No. 1 (Little Miss Scare-all)

I went looking for trouble
And boy
I found her...

She's in love with herself.
She likes the dark
On her milk white neck.
The Devil's mark.

It's all Hallows Eve.
The moon is full.
Will she trick or treat?
I bet she will.

She will.

Happy Halloween.

She's got a date at midnight
With Nosferatu.
Oh baby, Lilly Munster.
Ain't got nothing on you.

Well when I called her evil
She just laughed.
And cast that spell on me.
Boo Bitch Craft.

Yeah you wanna go out
'cause it's raining and blowing.
You can't go out
'cause your roots are showing.

Dye 'em black.
Dye 'em black.

Black black black black No. 1
Black black black black No. 1.

Little wolf skin boots
And clove cigarettes.
An erotic funeral
For which she's dressed.

Her perfume smells like
Burning leaves.
Everyday is Halloween.

Yeah you wanna go out
'cause it's raining and blowing.
You can't go out
'cause your roots are showing.

Dye 'em black.
Dye 'em black.

Black black black black No. 1
She dyes'em black
Black black black black No. 1
Black No. 1.

Loving you
Loving you,
Love loving you
Was like loving the dead.

Loving you
Loving you,
Love loving you
Was like loving the dead.

Loving you
Was like loving the dead,
Loving you
Was like loving the dead.

Loving you
Was like loving the dead,
Was like loving the dead
Was like loving the dead.

Was like loving the dead
Was like loving the dead.

Loving you
Loving you,
Love loving you
Was like loving the dead.

Was like f**king the dead.

Dear Diary:

Last night was... musical to say the least! I liked it, I really did.
See, Lang and Chase (This new rocker chick I so love) started this "battle of the bands" thing... I forget who won. Hopefully Chase. So anyway, I asked Damien if he could play anything. He said no, but he could sing. Okay... he didn't want to at first... but I made him. I'm prolly the only person that'll ever get him to sing. Go me.

So Damien whispered the song of choice to Chase and she knew it! Chase started playing and Rhy came in. I hushed her as Damien started to sing. It was beautimous! He sang Black No. 1 by Type O Negative. I thought it sounded better than the orignal. You can't tell him that or else he'll deny it. His voice is so rich and low. Oi, of course I freaked out. I mean, in a good way. Rhy and I were jumping up and down on the bartop.

Then after Damien finished his song... I attack him with kisses. I think that was incentive for him to sing more. So, Dean came in and I talked him into playing guitar for Rhy. We (Me, Rhy, Damien, Dean, and a new reporter kid named Scott) all went to the Tea house and Dean started to play. Rhy started to sing Breathe by Breakin Benjamin along with it. She gots pipes! And I'm not just saying that because she's my BFF.

So Dean handed Scott the guitar and he started to play Johnny B. Goode. I was the only one who knew it so I sang. It was a little more bluesy for my tastes... so I don't think I did a very good job. Oh well. Everyone liked it though. Eh. Are they deaf!?

... The nexus stole me shortly after. Then after being nexus dinner it spit me out like 2 hours later. Tass and I talked about the many uses of hand cuffs and Skid learned I am a professional stripper. Other than that... nothing happened. Well, I take that back. I learned that Wyh was the slave at the slave auction and Jewell bought her. At least she's back. Then I fell alseep... Yea... great.

Loves,
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-24 18:00 EST

-Entry 48

Linkin Park - With You

I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static
And put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

It's true
The way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You
Now I see
keeping everything inside
With You
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes

I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor
The rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake
slow to react
So even though you're close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back

It's true
The way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You
Now I see
Keeping everything inside
With you
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
with you
You
Now I see
Keeping everything inside
With you
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes

No, no matter how far we come
I can't wait to see tommorow
No matter how far we come I
can't wait to see tommorow

With you
You
Now I see
Keeping everything inside
With you
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
with you
You
Now I see
Keeping everything inside
With you
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes

Dear Diary:

This thing is getting so old. The cover is even trying to fall off. Hm, maybe I should get some duct tape. Yes, duct tape does fix everything. Seriously, I mean it. It totally does.

The past few days have been meaningless and boring. I got to see Damien once for like five minutes before I fell asleep. How gay. ...Speaking of Gay, I haven't seen Ryo in a while. Hm. Anyway, yea I'm pretty sad that I haven't seen Damien so much. He's prolly getting pretty annoyed that the nexus always swipes me at the worst of times. It's not like I can help it. I wish I coul... to spend more time with him. Oi, this sucks.

Speaking of suckery, I talked to Gabe the other night. I'm fine with him as long as he doesn't go into that "Take me back, I promise it will be better this time!" sh*t. Well, he tried to start that and I stopped him. He started with at "Shoulda" "Coulda" "woulda" crap and I told him it was no use now... that he should've thought of that before. It's too damn late now. I'm okay if he wants to be friends but I don't want him anymore. I got way better now. I'm over him and his sh*t. You know damn well that if we were to try again that it'd turn out the same way again and again. Never ever again. He went on and on about how he was happy with me and he'd do anything to get that back... blah blah blah. Whatever. The only part of him that'd be happy would be his damn dick. That's why I'm so hastey about sleeping with Damien. I don't want to mistake lust for love anymore. Oi. But was Gabe really happy all that time before? I think not. There was no communication in our relationship. Ugh.

But off that drabb conversation. So yesterday Lang and Rhy got into because of all the Wovie bashing. Rhy is pro-Wolvie and Lang is Anti-Wolvie. After a while I got tired of then and yelled at them to stope. I think Rhy was mostly mad because her and Lang used to date... and well... it turned out badly. But right now I'm not picking sides.

Kisses,
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-01-31 15:51 EST

-Entry 49

New Found Glory - Kiss Me (Cover)

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
I'll wear those shoes and You will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me, out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling,
So kiss me.

Kiss me, down by the broken tree house
Swing me, upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me, out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling,
So kiss me

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me
So kiss me
So kiss me
So kiss me

Dear Diary:

I feel greeeeat! I moved into the CZK house. Yay. And Damien met Claira. Yea, I know. Oh my gawd. I mean, it wasn't bad or anything... it was just extremely awkward. Well, ya know if he had a kid it'd be the same way with me meeting his. ...Claira would have someone to play with then... but.. that's not the point. He got through it like a trooper! I'm proud of him. He even laughed and joked around with her. It was too cute. Then she started babbling about some of mommy's little secrets... and needless to say... she went to bed soon after that. It was late already! Geez!

But lately it's been delightful. Nothing bad is happening. Well, except for that this guy Barus or some sh*t like that is putting the moves on Lana... even though she's engaged! And she's making moves right back! WTF? I can't believe it! Poor Michale, he's not even here to know. He's prolly at Earth, fighting his lil heart out just to get back and she's doing this! Not cool.

Buuuuut besides that, everything is great. I moved Claira and me to the sorority house and helped Ly decorate her room. All I had to poof my and Claira's stuff into our rooms and we were done. I put our rooms a bit away from everyone else so Claira didn't bother them. But Rhy and Ly always bring her to their rooms to play with her. They're like big five year olds! Heh. I love them though. They are really making Claira feel at home.

But with Eric I kinda have split control over her. She prolly won't be in the Chi house a lot seeing as she might want to be with him half the time. I hate that she wants to be with him so much. What's so great about him, eh? He is a good guy... no matter how much I don't want to admit it. Hopefully she'll forget about him... and soon. But I can't deny her of him or vise versa. Damnit.

Well, this was kinda short. Oh well. Blehh. Have a nice day!

Kisses,
Jadey!

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-01 17:46 EST

-Entry 50
Oh my gaw! Half of 100!

50 Cent ft. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland - Ayo Technology

Something special,
Unforgetable,
50 Cent (cent),
Justin (tin),
Timbaland (land) ,
god damn (damn)

She she, she want it, I want to give it to
She know that, it's right here for
I want to, see her break it down
I'm ballin', throw'n money around

She work it gurd, she work the pole
She break it down, she take it low
She fine as hell, she about the dough
She doing ha thing out on the floor
Her money money, she makin' makin'
Look at the way she shakin' shakin'
Make you want to touch it, make you want to taste it
Have you lustin' for her, go crazy face it
Now don't stop, get it, get it
The way she shakin' make you want to hit it
Think she double jointed from the way she splitted
Got you're head f**ked up from the way she did it
She's so much more than you're used to
She know's just how to move to seduce you
She gonna do the right thing and touch the right spot
Dance in you're lap till you're ready to pop

She always ready, when you want it she want it
Like a nymph fo, the info, I show you where to meet her
On the late night, till daylight the club jumpin'
If you want a good time, she gone give you what you want

Let me talk to ya

Baby it's a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together maybe we can start a new phase
The smokes got the club all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice baby
Why don't you come over here, you got me saying

Aayoo
I'm tired of using technology, why don't you sit down on top of me?

Aayoo
I'm tired of using technology, I need you right in front of me
Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it (soo), I got to give it to her

Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it (soo), I got to give it to her

Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you

Got a thing for that thing she got
The way she make it tick, the way she make it pop
Make it rain for us so she don't stop
I ain't got to move, I can sit and watch
In her fantasy, there's plain to see
Just how it be, on me, backstrokin', sweat soaking
All up in my sex sheets
When she ready to ride, I'm ready to roll
I'll be in this bitch till the club close
Watching her do her thing on all fours
Now that that shit should be against the law
From side to side, let the ride, break it down (down down)
You know I like, when you hike and you throw it all around
Different style, different move, damn I like the way you move
Girl you got me thinking about, all the things I do to you
Let's get it poppin' shorty we can switch positions
From the couch to the counters in my kitchen

Let me talk to ya

Baby it's a new age, you're like my new craze
Let's get together maybe we can start a new phase
The smokes got the club all hazy, spotlights don't do you justice baby
Why don't you come over here, you got me saying

Aayoo
I'm tired of using technology, why don't you sit down on top of me?
Aayoo
I'm tired of using technology, I need you right in front of me

Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it (soo), I got to give it to her
Ooh, she wants it, uh uh, she wants it
Ooh, she wants it (soo), I got to give it to her

Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you
Your hips, your thighs, they got me hypnotized, let me tell you

Dear Diary:

All I gotta say is... he's a 10 out of 5. Yea. That good. I'll save you from the details... but just know... I'm still swooning over it. I hope no one heard us... Amanda, the Chi prez, is prolly gunna be ubber pissed. Ah, hell. It's funny how in the first time you're with someone... you figure how your bodies fit together.. how they work together. Okay, maybe I'm the only one who thinks about these things... but they are nice things to know! But here he sleeps, me in one arm. I found a sharpie somewhere and started to draw hearts and wrote "I love you." on him. He might get mad at me for drawing on him, but at least the message is clear! Anyway, we could always take a shower to wash it off.

Ohhh, another thing I learned is that I like being a cat! Now I see why Yami likes it so much!! Though Icer and Darky tried to ruin my kitty fun! Argh them. They tried to turn me into a hatchling. Meh, not fun. Then Akira (new family) threw us into the COLD lake. Ehhhh, not fun-er.

There were more things that happened at the inn... Like Brandy finally showing up! Jeez! He's gunna work himself to death! Him and Ly ran off for a while. Then Robert and Stephen walked in... I suggested that we put a cat down Robert's pants... and he said that my... pussy... was enough to last him a lifetime. Needlessly to say, I dragged Damien and dog boy Dorin out to the Great hall where Ly and Brandy were. Damn Robert, embarassing me again.

Well... then things between Damien and I got... er... heated to say the least. Thus leading to me dragging him to the Chi house. So yea, the rest is... history... in the making!

Kisses,
J-Zilla

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-03 14:06 EST

-Entry 51

The Used - Blue and Yellow

And it's all in how you mix the two,
And it starts just where the light exists.
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
And it burns a hole,
Through everyone that feels it.

Well you're never gonna find it,
If you're looking for it,
Won't come your way,yeah
Well you'll never find it,
If your looking for it. (looking for it)

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking,
Rather waste some time with you.

And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again,
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
It burns a hole, through everyone that feels it.

Well you're never gonna find it,
If you're looking for it, won't come your way, yeah
Well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it. (looking for it)

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste some time with you.

(Time with you... time with you time with you
Waste some time with you... waste some time with you)

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...
Waste some time with you...

(fading)
Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Dear Diary:

Um.... BIG news. Icer had her eggs. Six in all. And I was there!! I almost fainted. I had to be the friggen mid-wife til Icer's vet stumbled in. Geez. It still feels weird to say "my sister's vet." Oi. It's just not something you really say... ever. But... ya know... that's life. Well... actually for everyone else it probably isn't... Just me, great. But like... yeaaaa... all of the eggs are safe and sound.

But other than that... nothing big has happened really. This guy Erik asked me to be like... a co manager at this movie place he was starting up. Well... DUH. Sign me up! I'll own some people on some horror movies man.

Oh... did I mention that Hina Skid's kid popped out? Yea... it beat me up... but loved Damien! WTF is up with that?! I'm the kid person around here!... Well, other than Icer that is... Icer IS THE kid person. Yep.

Yeaaa... another short one. Woooo!

Kisses,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-07 18:08 EST

-Entry 52

Foo Fighters - February Stars

I'm hanging on
Here until I'm gone
I'm right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though I watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show?

One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call and bet it all

I'm hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though I pass this time alone
Somewhere so unknown
It heals the soul
You ask for walls

I'll build them higher
We'll lie in the shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much to tall
and I fall

February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars

Dear Diary:

Today was my birthday and it was perfect. I spent most of the day with Claira. She's going back to Eric in a week. She just came back here it seems and alreadying she's leaving ... to him. I hate even the thought. But I guess Shiverport and Bon Temps is better than this place. Oi. But Claira and I went out shopping and out to eat, icecream after that. A perfect afternoon. Mother and daughter. It makes me totally gleeful. Wow, it's been a while since I used that word... gleeful. Anyway, Claira and I got matching sparkley, poofy pink dresses and tiaras. We are so cute together.

I so got great gifts from other people too. Though I'm going to beat Brandon. He got me a frikken JAG! A CAR! Jebus Crisp! I punched him in the arm then gawked at the car. Damien thought it was trival to have such a thing, but it is so perrrty! And black! I swear, if he ever buys me something like that again... I'll beat him up!

Ly got me this V neck form fitting black dress like one I was going to borrow from her, a lollipop, and a few extra bucks to get myself a little something else. I love the dress and Damien does too. Hee hee. I saw the dress one day a week or so back when I was looking for Claira. Suppose Ly got me my own dress so I wouldn't tear her's, ha. Laxy, aka Snuggy Bear, got me a case of Badsiders. How thoughtful! My favorite! I'm pretty sure the Chi girls are planning me a party... And Cas'll probably want to do something in Shiverport. Man, my week is booked.

Last but deffinately not least, my gifts from Damien. He got me a dozen roses and a black diamond bracelet with little trinkets on it. It's so beautiful, the way it twinkles in the light is just amazing. And guess what! It matches the dress Ly got me! How cool. I put on the bracelet right away. Oh! And not to mention the night full of... must I esssplain? Draw it out for you? Yea, Ly played with Claira last night. I have got to start paying her or something. Eh, I even sound proofed my room a night or so ago. Ly complained so much about the noise the last time that I had to. Ha.

I should go, catch some Z's or maybe even doodle on Damien a bit. He hates Sharpies! Hee hee. Especially if I use bright colors. It's cute watching him try to get it off. Ooo, crap. He moved. I think he's waking up. I wonder if he senses the impending Sharpie doom and is reading my mind. Oi, gotta jet before he finds something out about my diary! Time to... er... play dead? Whatever we vampires do when we fall asleep.

Kisses,
J-Zilla <3 - Birthday girl~

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-13 18:14 EST

-Entry 53

No Doubt - Just a Girl

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!

Dear Diary:

Saturday was fun. Cas had a party for me in Bon Temps. I got drunk off my tush, but what's new? The whole crew was back together, to my surprise. Yea, Cas invited Bill. Shocker. And he came, more of a shocker. Eric and I didn't bicker or get into it at all. I guess he left me alone because he's getting Claira back soon. We talked like civil people. Whoa. A lot of the old regulars came in to wish me a happy birthday. It was nice. I partied hard. I don't remember much about the end of the night, but I know Eric took me home. Well, not home. To his house. He didn't try anything, which was amazing in itself. I would've remembered that. I would've remembered being pissed as hell. I always do. He just let me babble on and on. He didn't tell me all that I said to him, that bastard. I slept in my old room at his house, which is partically Claira's. He has other rooms, I jus guess Claira likes that one better.

Sunday morning I was pissed as hell when I woke up in my old bed... and Eric sleeping right next to me. I started screaming at him and wailing on him. Well, it took me a minute to think about it and remember that I was too wasted to get to RhyDin the night before. I stopped hitting him by the time he woke up and was ready to rip my head off. I often forget that he has to sleep during the day. Eh, oh well. But still, I was still freaked out that he was in the bed with me. I made him explain before I let him go back to sleep. He said that I made him listen to me as I talked his head off and fell asleep. I wouldn't doubt it. I knew it was true because my throat hurt and was raw. He said I talked about Claira, how it was nice that Eric and I were getting along, and Damien. Grrreat. I let him go back to sleep and left.

I got to RhyDin and went to the tea shop. Ryo and I talked a bit. He's always depressed about his husband being gone. It hurts just to watch him. He said that he'd try to be better at being happy. But I'm not sure if he will. Then Anna, Brandon's sister... real sister, came in. We talked a few moments. Ly came in and I had to tell Anna that Ly was Brandy's new girlfriend. A guy came on and he looked just like Brandy! It turns out that Brandy has a twin named Will. Oh my!

Kisses,
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-17 14:06 EST

-Entry 54
Happy Valentine's Day!~ ((The post for Valentine's day that I forgot to post because I'm lazy >.<))

Skillet - The Last Night

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

Dear Diary:

OH MY F*CKING GAWD! That's all I can say ever since ealier today. I started out this morning thinking I was going to start this entry out totally different than this, but oh my gawd let's get to the point! DAMIEN ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!!! OMG OMG OMFG!! I know! WTF right? I mean, not a bad WTF but a good one. That'd be horrible if it was a bad WTF, seeing as I said yes and all. Yes, I said yes! I'd be a frikken f*cktard if I said no! So yea, we're engaged now! Yippee! Oh my gawd, I've never been so excited in my life! Because I know this is going to work! Have you ever felt that? Knowing that something will work? It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Oh, what a TOTALLY perfect Valentine's Day. The best ever, that's saying something for my 207 years.

Okay okay, so I'll start when Ly and I went to the tea shop. Since we are totally cool and we can both walk in the daylight (thanks to Brandon inventing something for her), we were out all day shopping for gifts for the girls at the Chi house. We love them! Even if Rhy is at the Pi house most of the time with Dean. So like we talked about this and that, how Damien was giving the stare down at Brandy the night before, and how excited we were about Rhy's engagement. Oh... Wait. Skrrrrrrreeetch! Yea, Dean asked her to marry him Monday... and I didn't find out til Wensday! OMG! I'm going to be the maid of honor! I'm so HAPPYICAL! Her and Dean are so so sooo perfect together! So cute! I'm totally the best match maker ever. I introduced her and Dean... AND I introduced Ly and Brandy. Go me! Well, erm, anyway.... Then my demon came in acting a bit off. He had rings under his eyes! And cuts on his arms! Oh my! The things I miss when I don't see him for nearly a week. I asked him about it and he said that his father had found him on his plane and took control of him. Thus, the stare down to Brandy. Eep! He said that he wasn't right for quite a few days. He had to fight and take his father's powers. He didn't say it, but I'm pretty sure he ment that he had to kill him. Damien showed me two crystals, one being his (violet colored) and the other (onyx colored) being his father's. He said that he left his father's plane in shambles. Oi. He hadn't slept in a month. I knew he ment in shadowy planey time. I've come to know that they're time and our time is totally different.

Damien said that there was nothing to worry about anymore and started to drink that black mess to heal. It's gross. Well, to me at least. I asked him if he was sure, that everything was okay, that no one would try to come and hurt him again, and he told me that everything would be fine. I guess it's just a girl thing. We like to be reassured that everything is going to be okay. Then I pulled out my gift that I had gotten for him earlier. It was something small and simple but full of meaning. It was a heart pendent made of jade on a good sized silver chain so it won't break easily. The meaning? No matter where he is he'll always have "jade" with him, even if I'm not there. I know, feel free to awe at any time. It made him cry! >.< I'm doing that often lately!

Brandy came in and Ly gave him a ring and he gave her a... car! It's pretty. I think that's Brandon's gift theme this yea, Mad Car Give-a-way '08!! Brandy said I should be her Driver's ED teacher... I think he's crazy. That's a bad accident waiting to happen. Anyway, so Damien had to go do something (that turned out to be my ring!) and we chit-chatted a bit. Well, mostly me laughing at Brandy as he blushed up a storm. Then Damien resurfaced from the shadows on one knee, box in hand, and the scaredest look on his poor face. It was the cutest thing ever. Really, I don't think someone threatening to kill him could have produced that face. He'd prolly laughed at the threat. So... anyway, I took the box from him after telling him that he didn't have to get me anything, that he was enough. I opened the box and what do I see? A white gold ring with Damien's violet crystal in it, the crystal that holds his powers, his soul, ultimately he himself, and a slip of paper. First I was taken aback at the ring itself. He trusts me with, technically, him. But the paper... Oh, icing on the cake. It said that we both had forever in a dull and boring existance, that we could have each other, and that he would be mine if I let him. I can't remember the right words because I'm still giddy. All I could do was start to cry. He looked at me and said, "So I take that as a yes...?" all full of relief. He knew it was. I just nodded and hugged him tightly as he kissed me. Brandy and Ly were just like O__O "What are we witnessing here?" Brandy was like, "I think Damien just asked Jade THE question." I looked to Ly and nodded with a giggle. She then proceeded to scream and hurt my ears. Instantly we started to giggle and bounce around like idiots. After seeing if Ly could babysit Claira later (which she couldn't cuz her and Brandy had plans. >.< Ew. So I called Cas and even she had plans. So I called Eric, damnit) and smooching Damien. I left. I had people to call, a daughter to rangle, and a person... er things to do.

I called Cas and told her about the engagement. Of course she freaked. But as soon as I mentioned babysitting she was like "Er, congrates! Gotta go, bye!" Hoe. I didn't even try to call Rhy to ask, though I did call. Damn Dean and his perfectness for her! So I ended up calling Eric, that Bastard. I didn't tell him about the engagement. But I didn't have to, Cas already called him. Hoe-er-er. So I had to drive Claira ALL the way to Shiverport. Gods. I spent an hour just trying to explain to her what an engagement way. Oi. But another surprise came when I got to Fangsta... Eric didn't bitch at me. Whoa.

So when I got back to the Chi house, Damien was there and we had the house to ourselves. Everyone was somewhere else and it was waaaay nice. Plus, no one was there to bitch about the noise we made. Ha, take that Ly and yer "I can hear you two all the way in the basement!". Take that! And the fact that I used her handcuffs! Er.... I really hope she doesn't find this... What? Shut up! Oi, I couldn't find mine. You woulda done the same thing and you know it! I just need a new headboard and we'll be all set.

Here we lie, he asleep and I writing like a fiend. My hand hurts... I wrote too much. I keep zoning out, staring at the ring. Really, how many people can really say their feincee gave them a peice of themselves? My gift bites balls compared to his. Well, off to sleep!

Kisses,
Mrs. Jade Eli Ravenlock Rogue Crowe

...Dude... I have a frikken long name!

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-24 19:32 EST

-Entry 55

Aerosmith - I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

Dear Diary:

Erm... It's been a while. There isn't really much to say besides that I've really been missing Damien lately. Even though we spent part of last night together. He's been soooo busy lately. But I shant not fret! For I know he will return! It just... it's hard without him. I still laugh and chat amongst my friends and family, but it feels like a part of me is gone. Yes, I do believe this is how love feels. Even though we are immortal... every second without him feels like forever. Ooooh, now I feel whiney! Ugh!

So... what happened last night? Well, there was this masquerade ball thingy and I went with this new girl named Sarah. She's sooooo sweet. I was going to go with Damien... but he had to go as we were shopping for me a dress. I was sad. So, Vinny was the one who was going to take us shopping... but his wife showed up out of no where. Boy was that funny. She's sooooo much different than Vinny and waaaaaay the jealous type. I'd hate to see her if she saw how Vinny and I usually act together. She'd blow a fuse! Annnyway, so we were shopping and I got a black dress and a silver mask and Sarah got a blue dress and a black mask.
So we went to the ball, Sarah and I being each other's date... seeing as Damien ran away and Michale didn't show. (Oh yea, Sarah and Michale are date-ething, yay.) I introduced her to Aly, Wolvie, and Rhy. We danced a bit before the nexus napped me. It was pretty fun... Eh, whatever.

After the nexus dropped me off at the Chi house, Damien appeared. We spent the night together... mostly sleeping. But It was nice to have his company... at least for a little while. I cherished it so. He left later that night... all I felt was the kiss goodbye. Le sigh.

So.... I totally forgot all I was going to say... other than the fact I miss Damien... a lot. Hizzah!

Kisses,
Jadey-kins

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-26 17:45 EST

-Entry 56

Rob Zombie - Demon Speeding

Hey, do ya love me. I'm untouchable darkness
A dirty black river to get you through this
Hey, do ya love me I'm a devil machine
(hey do ya love me I'm a devil machine)
Get into my world all american dream

In the mouth of madness
Down in the darkness
No more tomorrow
Down in the hollow

Hey do ya love it when the kids are screaming
Wrecking on the road violate their dreaming
Hey, do ya love to see the filth in the clean
(hey do ya love to see the filth in the clean)
Get into the gone all american dream

In the mouth of madness
Down in the darkness
No more tomorrow
Down in the hollow

I'm demon speeding
I'm demon speeding
I'm demon speeding
I'm demon speeding

Get it on, get it on, get it on, get it on come alive

Hey, do ya love me elevating the madness
(Hey, do ya love me elevating the madness)
A super death rising to get you through this
(a super death rising to get you through this)
Hey, do ya love me like a beautiful fiend
Get into my world all american dream

Dear Diary:

Last night was... something. I came into the inn early but left after realizing that nothing extremely exciting was going to happen and that my demon wasn't going to come in.

Buuut I came back in later... much later. Icer was acting funny and Sarah was talking about how her and Michale had dinner together and she saw the inside of his house. I'm proud that she likes him so much. He's a wonderful person and he deserves a good girl finally.

So, like anyway... guess who I was talking to last night. Guess. ...Bob. I know, oh my gaw. It felt like forever since I last talked to him... or even seen him. I've just been doing my own thing lately and I haven't seen him around. I was actually very surprised just at the fact he was even in the inn. He didn't believe it was me for a moment... oi.
But I asked him how he was and he said that he had been better... and more-so that the elections were over. He said that he had won and that was all that mattered. Of course this had perplexed me given the fact that he hadn't wone... or even ran. But he explained to me how he won, and that was by Wolvie's loss. Ah yes, must I have forgotten how Bob hated (and still hates) Wolvie. Sometimes I wonder how I'm on both sides of the perverbial line of good and evil. I have all my normal (as normal as they come around here) friends who are nice and good... and then I have Bob. Seriously... wow.

We talked a bit about how he was starting a island o' monsters. Demonic petting zoo anyone? He actually liked that idea. Heh. He said that he still planned to control RhyDin... and that he still wanted me to be a part of it. Dear sweet Bob. Of course I told him that I couldn't do much killing... I had a public image to uphold seeing as I'm a people person. He said that everything was planned out and there would be no need for mass killings. Thank Geeebus. But there is a new person on my ever-growing hitlist. Some lame guy named Shadow. He called me "Babe"..... Ugggh. He's annoying too. Bob said I could kill him. Yaaaay. But I do have an image to uphold after all... I might not. But Bob wouldn't share his plans with me! He knows how I hate secrets! Bah!

Kisses,
Jadey~

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-02-28 17:11 EST

-Entry 57

Linkin Park - Easier To Run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Dear Diary:

Ohhhh... I wish I had Damien right now. I know that he probably couldn't fix everything, but he'd make me feel so much better. Besides, Hina is his sister after all.

Yes, this all has to do with Hina and Skid. Out of the blue, Skid just up and hates her, taking their son away from her and rejects her from the lair and him. Yea, suddenly just like that. He won't speak to her, and him and Stitch want to kill her. WHAT?!! What's with people these days?! Well, he's not really a "person", seeing as he's a demon. Oh... wait... Damien's a .... demon. Are all demons like Skid? Will Damien flip out on me like that when we get married? EH!

So, Hina has been staying with me in an empty room in the CZK house. No one really minds since she's so hurt and wounded. Just as long as a huge influx of girls don't start to pledge or something. All she's been doing since I showed her to the room is cry. Poor thing. How can Skid do this to her? Torture her so... take away her very own child.

I told her the other night that Skid wouldn't be cruel enough to harm Teshy... But of course Stitch just-so-happened to walk in around the time I said that in the inn... and he said that he wouldn't be too sure about that. Oh, if things weren't horrible enough.

Things are so messed up... and I can't help anything at all... all I can do is hold Hina and tell her everything is going to be alright. And I know it's not going to be...

Kisses,
J

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-02 14:22 EST

-Entry 58

Breaking Benjamin - You

My hands are broken,
And time is going on and on it goes,
Forever (how long?)
So I got high and,
Lived all that life
That I have taken all for granted

Promise me you'll try,
To leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
Lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life

You

The only way out
Is letting your guard down and never die
Forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom

Promise me you'll try,
to leave it all behind
'Cause I've elected hell,
lying to myself
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life

You

Dear Diary:

Apparently I have a drinking problem... and Damien was the one who was plastered off his tush. Ironic, eh? I didn't even go to the sorority house last night. I wasn't up to par to even wiggle my nose there. I just dug out my old Inn key and slept in my old room. Well, not much sleeping... more drinking.

I saw Gabe earlier. He said that he was leaving this place forever. Whatever, I always can talk him out of it. He's said that he was leaving like... eight times already. Anyway, he said he was leaving because there was nothing left for him and his girlfriend was scared of him because she was the one who saw him kill his parents. WTF? How can anyone be afraid of him? Reaaally. Well,... maybe I was never afraid of him because whatever monster inside him was scared of me. Yep. That's it.

So, I just told him that to prove to her that he wasn't that monster anymore, that he'd changed. She already prolly knows that he's changed, thus why they are dating. Gabe's prolly jus paranoid like he always has been. But what ever I said changed his mind, it always does. I worry about why he listens to me sometimes.

Then after Gabe freaked out on some girl, which I was not getting in a part of, I went back to the inn. I went behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and drank about half before sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Julie, God love her, asked if there was anything she could do. Alas, I said no. Apparently Icer had fallen and hurt herself before she hobbled over to where Julie and I were. Julie said, and I quote, "You two need a doctor." I was perplexed, seeing as I wasn't hurt or sick, so I asked what she was talking about. She basically said I had a drinking problem. I denied the fact, even though it is partically true. I only drink when something is on my mind or bothering me... which is more often than not. Other times I just drink a Badsider or two. But I ended up telling Julie that I'd stop drinking so much.
I didn't mean to lie to her, she's such a sweet niece... but I had to. I'm sorry, Julie... I really am.

I pounced Brandy and yelled at him about working so much. But he said that he was so close to finding a cure that would fix his heart problems... so I forgave him a little... just a little. Then I left for a bit and then came back late, whiskey in toe. I talked to Hina a bit before a drunken Damien came in. I bet he won't even remember that he was there. Ironic that I was the one getting yelled at about drinking too much. Between me bickering at Shadow for something and Hina and I talking, Damien stood and left. Great, the first time in what? A week... two weeks? I see him, he's drunk and noncoherent. Graaaaand. I'm not mad at him or anything... jus disappointed.

Oi... I just know Franco is going to love this little twist. Ugh

Kisses,
Jadden

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-03 19:00 EST

-Entry 59

Plus 44 - Baby, Come On

She's a pretty girl
She's always falling down
And I think I just fell in love with her
But she will never remember, remember

I can always find her
At the bottom of a plastic cup
Drowning in drunk sincerity
A sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby, come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

And she said, I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight I hate this f**king town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
And they won't ever remember, remember

So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me
You sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby, come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out, and baby, come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out
Isn't there something familiar about me?
Quit crying your eyes out
The past is only the future with the lights on
So quit crying your eyes out, baby

Dear Diary:

I drank too much the night before last and I got a little tipsy all by myself. It made my voice mess up a tad, no one really noticed. Well, no one except Ryo when I came down from the inn room that I stayed at. I really do love my BGF. I looked like hell and surprisingly enough by the time I made it down to the inn I was sobber... and out of whiskey. Ryo asked what was the matter and I told him. I don't know why I get this way sometimes, it really doesn't make sense. But that's me alright. As emotional as a blubbering mother at her daughter's wedding. Oh, ouch. That reminds me how much I miss Claira.

But Ryo just told me that this was how it would be in a long term (VERRRRRY long) relationship, you have to take the good and the bad. We can't always spend all our time together, and yea I'm going to miss him when he's gone. But I have to wait for him, and I will... forever. I have to keep that in mind. I just have this fear that he'll be gone so long that he'll forget about me. Yes, I know - I'm insane. I get it from Bob, I do believe. Though... he cares not for meaningless emotions and feelings. Argh. But Ryo deminished my fear by saying one never forgets his or her true love and Damien would not forget about me. After that I felt better and asked how he was doing since the last time I saw him. He said better and he wasn't as depressed as ge used to be. That's nice, I'm really glad that he is. ^__^

Annnnnyway, I felt better after talking to Ryo (but he was Nexus'd soon after) and little James appeared on me. He attacked me in a hug. He's so cute. He's been gone for so long. I don't think I mentioned him in here before... well, He's a little 4 year old who can talk to birds. Poor thing's parents died and he's lived in the forest for the longest time... and with Tanny. He's really the cutest... besides Claira... and Tina... Yea. Buuut anyway... I talked to him a bit before he went over to talk to Piper and Shy. Then the annoyance by the name of Shadow (the guy) came in and insued on annoying the living snikeies out of me. Ruin my good mood why don't you. I told him to sleep with his eyes open last night. Ha ha, he thought it was so funny. The funniest thing was that I wasn't kidding. I'm planning several ways to watch him bleed. So I got all huffy and started drinking some more whiskey. Yes, I know - I'm horrible.

Annnd guess who showed up when I was in my pissy mood? Dammmien. Hizzah. My mood went from aweful to awesome. He was sobber! He did ask what was the matter... because he saw me all huffy. And he asked was it about the might before. Well, I told him a half truth. I mean, it wasn't an out-right lie. I told him about that Shadow guy and my plans to slit his throat... I just didn't tell him of my disappointment of him the night before. But alas, a few kisses later and the night moved on quite swimmingly. He said that he was sorry for beeing gone so often and that he would huffy to finish his on-goings in his world. He better! *sobs*

Then something slipped from his thin lips that surprised me. Well, it wasn't a slip, more as he said something that unwillingly threw him into another conversation. Annnnyway, he said when everything settles and he gets back that we could pick a date out that was the best for the both of us. Wouldn't you know it... I squeeled. I was shocked that he would say anything about planning the wedding. Oi. So instantly I started talking about color themes abd such. I think we're going with black, green, and purple... but of course I may change my mind a million times before the time actually comes. And Yes! There will be roses. Then he made fun on me over the fact that I will be inviting like half of RhyDin - over half of which will be family. Ugh, ha ha. But then my demon had to leave, making me one unhappy vampiress. (This time I won't act like a total girl about it!)

Then my little Tina Monster came in! My has she grown! That cute lil mass of red hair! She's so smart, reads all the time. Waaaah! I miss Claira!

Kisses,
J-Z!

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-07 11:08 EST

-Entry 60

HIM - Dead Lovers' Lane

Despair has a face
And all these wounds remain unhealed
Blessed to kill and enslaved
Are all hearts around love's will
Thrilled to start all over again

Crawl down dead lover's lane,
The maze of memories stained
And suck the blood right out of my heart

Fear has a name
Written on unhallowed ground
With dead leaves
Those words never fail
To feed the hunger that dreams
Our needs beyond God's grasp

Crawl down dead lover's lane
The maze of memories stained
And suck the blood right out of my heart

Scream out love's name in vain
Embrace the pain again
And lose yourself alone in the dark
Dead lover's lane

Crawl down dead lover's lane,
The maze of memories stained
And suck the blood right out of my heart

Scream out love's name in vain
Embrace the pain again
And lose yourself alone in the dark

And suck the blood right out of my heart

Right out of my heart

Dear Die-ry: Teehee I read Johnny The Homicidal Maniac the other night!

Annnnyway. Yum. Did I ever tell you how good Brandy's cake is? Mmmmm. Chocolatey goodness. HEAVEN! Annnyway... Here I lay... eating cake. That's kinda sad.

Last night was kinda crazy. Two more people told me I've been drinking too much. Ly and Brandy. That makes three. No... four counting Icer. Do I really? ARGH. No one ever bitches at Damien! Now Ly said she would yell at him too. So... now I told Ly and Brandy that I'm going to get the two of us into AA or something. Damien's gunna hate meeee! And guess what Brandy of all people said! "Not until you get him in the bedroom" Oh my gaw! Ly has corrupted my brother!! I swear I twitched for ten minutes... not counting when she asked if I heard them the night before. My poor mind.

Um... and the rest of the night consisted of Ly, Brandy, and I chasing each other around tickling each other. Yea... we're that threatening.

Yea, this was relatively short... again. Now if you'll excuse me... I have to whip out my laptop and look for wedding ideas and such... as Claira jumps on me! Oh gods! The cakkkkke!!

Kisses,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-08 01:56 EST

*Click... music plays in the background*

[Metallica - Seek and Destroy ((it's stuck in my head!!))

ALRIGHT!

Scanning the scene
in the city tonight
We're looking for you
to start up a fight
There's an evil feeling
in our brains
But it's nothing new
you know it drives us insane

Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy

There is no escape
and that's for sure
This is the end we won't take any more
Say goodbye
to the world you live in
You've always been taking
but now you're giving

Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy

Our brains are on fire
With the feeling to kill
And it won't go away
Until our dreams are fulfilled
There is only one thing
On our minds
Don?t try running away
`cause you?re the one we will find

Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will be
Dying,
A thousand deaths
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Ahahahaha]

- Uh... entry what is it now? 61! Yea!

Dear... tape recorder thingy:

Um... Can you hear me? Hello? Okay, yea. It's on. I couldn't find my notebook... so I borrowed Ly's tape recorder. Tonight was... iffy. But I did get to see Damien... that was nice... til he was eaten by the nexus... Damnit. Bah humbug. We talked a bit about the wedding... he didn't get some of the traditions... like how he can't see the dress, or me for that matter, before the wedding because of bad luck. He thought the idea of bad luck in itself was ridiculous. But I don't wanna jinx anything! Oh! Good news here! He's done with all the stuff he has to do for his realm... for now at least. Yaaay. We still haven't spoke of a date or anything yet... in a odd way, that'd makes this more real.

I picked out this perfect place to have it at! But I have to talk to Damien first, ya know? It's all grand and gothic-y. Not like the clothing style... but the grandness. Oh, did I mention I picked out the dresses and stuff? I did! I always thought of wearing a white dress... but that's just not me. And the cake! Found the perfect cake! Everything is coming together so nicely!

Soooo... it makes me kinda sad that no one really thinks that I'll go with this. I know my track record is horrible... but did anyone really think I would marry Gabe? I'm sorry to say this... but I never had any intentions of marrying him... never. I mean, it was a nice daydream... but no, I'd never marry him. And now that I am totally committed, I'm put into question. Kai being one of those people. She thinks I'm going to break his poor demonic heart. It's sad really.

Oh, and that AA thing? Well, it's out the door. I told Damien what Ly and Brandy said... and he was none too pleased. He said that they should mind their own damn business. He's such a terrible demon! But I love him anyway!

And so... like Hina and Skid talked tonight. Hina is such a wreck. He turned her into a emotionless void. Yep, he told her that there was no way that they'd EVER get back together... and it still wasn't safe for Hina to have Teshy back. UGH! But they were sooooo good together! This is possitively horrible. Hina never comes out of her room anymore... and this jus made it worse! Those two will eventually drive this vampiress insane... if Damien doesn't first... if ya know what I mean... Ugh... Note to self: Stop picking up Damien's mindset. I feel dirty already.

Shhh wait... I think I hear something under the bed... hold on.

*There was russling sounds as she moved to look under the bed. There was muffled speak and a few smooching sounds. She finally swiped the recorder up and whispered into it*

Speak o' the devil and he comes. Byyye!

*click*

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-11 17:18 EST

-Entry 62

Chester Bennington vs Julien-K - The Morning After
(Underworld Evolution soundtrack)

Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after

Cut and bruised by the fall again
Lick my wounds like a dog again
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel that I see, I see
Please let it be but don't wake me 'til the morning after

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming

Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after

Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming...Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after

Cut and bruised by the fall again
Lick my wounds like a dog again
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel that I see, I see
Please let it be but don't wake me 'til the morning after

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming

Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...

Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after

Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming...

Dear Diary:

Yayyyy... I found my diary. Someone *cough* Claira *cough* hid it in my closet. Yea, that tape recorder annoyed me a bit - felt like I was talking to myself. I mean, I do often talk to myself buuut, ya know.

Sooo... Saturday and Sunday I hung out with Dakota (ya know, Dakota Steele... long time friend.. yea) and Baker. Well this was mostly Saturday on that one. Ugh, so how does this joke start? Two drunks and a vampiress walk into a bar... or better yet, three drunks walk into a bar. It was .... crazy. It started out just me, Ren, and a few other girls (Yea, it was girl's night out or something) before Kota came in. Woo, first guy. Then Baker came in. Ugh. And as Kota and Cassie got into it (Well, not really. More as Kota spoke his mind about how Alain was a commit-phobe or something), this girl with HUGE breasts walked in. I mean, she made me look like an A cup. No kidding. So that made Baker go on about brale, thus making me yell at him but then the arguement prgressed because he questioned my legendary brale... calling me a has-been. I am not a has been, I'm a foever! I am a brale goddess! So, I had to make Baker some more. Damnit, me and my big mouth... and cockiness. But when I gave it to him he wanted proof that I had actually made the brale. Basically, he wanted to lick my tit. I told him... no, of course. But the brale made a perfect excuse to distract Kota from the Cassie conversation, so I gave it to him.

Then Kittah said something that made Kota go... bananas...? I was going to say somthing else... but, yea. In my quick thinking, the only thing I could think of doing to calm him down was give him a hug. It worked. Though I did feel like a carebear. So I told him Sunday that's what I was going to get him for his birthday, so whenever he needed a hug and I wasn't there he could hug the stuffed animal. It made him laugh and he said it was okay as long as I got him a manly blue one. Oh, because those carebears are soooooo manly.

Speeeeeeaking of Suday. It was kinda kooky. It was me, Kota, Baker, and Sarah. Really, there should be a ban of us three getting together. Anyway, the topic of the day was why men were so attracted to breasts. Of course I know why, it's a primal thing from waaay back from the caveman era. Breasts equalled better reproduction, that females could raise and take care of the family... or something like that. But why? Why is this such a pivital point in this day and age? Kota and Baker said that I just don't understand the power of them. Pah-lease. I probably understand far better than them. I was a stripper after all, and a vampiress to boot. But that still doesn't mean that I'll ever understand why they hold such power.

But then Kota asked what was the first thing I noticed in a guy. Sarah said eyes. Baker proceeded to laugh at that. Poor girl. Anywho, I said body. Yum. Thankfully I found a guy with the perfect body AND piercings. Heeeeeaven. Swoon action there. Whatever, so I was going on and on about sculpted abs, that lil V, and bi-ceps when Kota asked why I liked those things on a male exactly. I said jus cuz. I realized that we were even then. Men are men and women are women. We are always going to have different preferences. UGH. I hate when guys are right. Damn that Kota! Somewhere in there his dog attacked me. Well, not really. He, Luke the dog, was big. A Rot. But not mean. He just jumped and licked me, knocking me down. That's all.

Well, Kota had to leave. So Rhy came in and we went to take Hina shopping. The nexus ganked me soon after.
That's about it!

Kisses!
The Carebear Jadey~

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-11 19:26 EST

-Entry 63

Rihanna ft. Ne-yo - Hate that I love you

That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Most everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

Yeaahhh... Oohh...

That's how much I love you (as much as I need you)
That's how much I need you (oooh..)
That's how much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

Dear Diary:

I spent most of last night with Damien. Yay~. Oh yea, and Lang is back... to torture poor me again! Oi... we have that love hate friendship... mostly hate. And Vunny Bunny (Vinny!) was acting a bit out of it. Geez, men will be the death of me, I swear it. I mean... redeath? Whatever.

It was funny when Damien came in... because I was trying to ignore him. But it didn't work.... because I suck at it. Boo. He said I looked like I was trying to hold in either a fart or a laugh. Ew, farts. Women don't fart! It's just gross. Annnnyway, he told me that he found out that I was planning without him! Uh oh! I blame Rhy. Whaaat? I can blame my BFF, can't I? Plus, she knows where I hide my wedding planner. But he said that it wasn't her, he just spends enough time in the Chi house to hear things and find things out. Damnit. But he said that it was probably better that I was doing it instead of him because he is horrible at these things. Awww, my poor non-wedding-planning-skilled demon. I don't mean to do all the work myself... I just like doing thinging my way... and I want to surprise him too. Let's see - I got the rings, my dress, cake (Ordered it!), jewells and such, shoes bride's maid's dresses, their shoes, picked out my hair style, the bouquet, the invitations, and the place. I am so glad I still have the villa so I can hide all this crap! Now, some hoe, I'll have to get Damien to pick out a suit. He already agreed to it! Oooo... Damien in a suit! Haven't seen that before!

But I absolutely dread making out the invitation list itself, let alone the invitations in themselves. Egags! The horror! I'll have a hand cramp from hell!

Oh, and then me and Lang got into a battle of the magical kind... Ya know, the usual. I turned his hair pink and he turned mine grey. Then he gave me a tutu and Damien told him that most of the time when we play dress-up, he gets to dress me up. I didn't say anything... because it's true! UGH. So Lang was like, "What would you like to see her in?" And Damien just had to go, "Bed." So, poof! I was in a bed in the middle of the frikken inn. Great! So I jumped up to choke Lang... and it turns out ... that I was nakkid. Damien clothed me and I tried to choke Lang. Ly and Damien were getting annoyed at the mass of people in the inn, so we (Hina... oh yea, she came too, Damien, Ly and I) went to the great hall. Well, that is after I turned Lang nakkid and ran!

Damien, Hina, her dog, and me flopped onto a couch and her dog licked me. My Claira senses were tingling so I gave Damien a smooch and poofed into the Chi house. Low and behold, Claira was sprawled out on the floor... passed out. I freaked out and carried her to the kitchen and grabbed some blood from the freezer. I warmed it up and gave it to her. She was fine after that. I think that she just needs more blood as she grows older. She looks a little past six now... But I didn't hear her heart beat at all. I guess I just have to watch her more.

Kisses,
J

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-13 18:04 EST

-Entry 63

Tokio Hotel - Ready Set Go

We were running though the town
Our senses had been drowned
A place we hadn't been before

We learned to live and then
Our freedom came to an end
We have to break down this wall
Too young to live a lie
Look into my eyes

Ready, set, go it's time to run
The sky is changing we are one
Together we can make it while the world is crashing down
Don't you turn around

We are looking back again
Our loneliness and pain
Never been so wide awake

Breathe slowly in and out
somewhere beyond the clouds
I can see the morning break
Too young to live a lie
Look into my eyes

Leave it all behind you now
The final wall is breaking down
We are all it's all about
Nothing can stop us now

I promise you right know
I never let you down

Don't you turn around
Don't you turn around

Dear Diary:

Well, this will be short for now.

Sooooo... Ren said that Hina was missing for a day, but then I saw her last night and she looked alllllllll kinds of beat up. Not good at all. I tried asking her what happened, but she said she was fine. I told her I would talk to her later about it and she nodded. THEN Ly told me that BRANDY is missing too! MY BROTHER!! This is a no go, not to mention Ly is all out of wack and blaming herself. She said that she thought that he was taken right after she left him alone in the market place. She also said that this creepy girl was following him and she thought that she was the one who took him. And from her discription it sounded like that Wrath girl. Summabitch.

We'll just have to wait that one out. I hope nothing happens to him, I'd hate to havta kill someone. Wait... no... I'd love to hurt someone if they hurt my brother.

Oh, and I hung out with Coley, Rhy, and Dirky-Poo last night. It was pretty awesome. Rhy even braided Coley's hair! Ha!

Kisses,
J

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-23 15:06 EST

-Entry 64

Kid Rock - Lowlife (Living The Highlife)

got my Cat Scratch Fever eight-track
My best friend's in a gun rack
I'm a lowlife
I owe everybody money
I think racist jokes are funny
I'm a lowlife
I got a dirty mind, a gutter mouth
I'm makin' time, I'm goin' out
With your wife

Cuz I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife

I got kids I never seen
And their momma's seventeen
I'm a lowlife
I take strippers out to breakfast
You can add that to my checklist
I'm a lowlife
Ahh the landlord called the rent is due
I spent it all on a Kiss tattoo
I Rock n Roll all night

Cuz I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife
Livin' the highlife

I'm watchin' porno on the TV
Wonderin' why she'd ever leave me
I'm a lowlife
The object of my affection
Asked the police for protection
I'm a lowlife
The romance is gone, I'm doin' fine
Me and your mom had a real good time
Just last night

Cuz I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife

I make black music for the white man
Keep cocaine upon my nightstand
I'm a lowlife
Ain't never hung out in the Catskills
But I've been to jail in Nashville
I'm a lowlife
I've got a dirty mind, a gutter mouth
I'm makin' time, I'm goin' out
With your wife

I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife
I'm a lowlife
Livin' the highlife

Dear Diary:

Why haven't I written in here? Dunno... Just forgot I guess. It's hard to keep track of things anymore. Things you should know: Brandy's back... more on that later, everything for the wedding is ready <3 just needs a date. I'm thinking April... but Bob thinks June. Oh well. Franco says that Damien's getting cold feet because the nexus ganked him. How uncool.

Skidly set up the reception. Yay! One less worry for me. It's going to be at Hina's lil isle. She doesn't mind. Moonlit black sand beach! PERRRRfect! Thinking about it makes me feel all giggley inside. *swoons*

Miss Mary opened up Club Babylon. I'm thinking about working there... part time or something... as a stripper, ya know? It's an underground thing, so it's not like anyone would really care. Though, Damien might kill me or fall over having a conniption. If he can kill, can't I strip? What's the harm in that? Eh, I'll have to talk it over with him. I wouldn't want to do anything like that before asking him. I'd feel horrible.

Well, that's about it. I didn't really have that much to say. How sad. If I remember anything, I'll probably say something about it next time.

Kisses,
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-24 17:54 EST

-Entry 65

A Perfect Circle - The Outsider

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, come to this, come to this

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here

Dear Diary:

Hmm... I feel odd. Like you know that empty feeling... like something is missing... like something about you is imcomplete. It's like how I feel when I'm missing Damien. But I don't understand that theory because a couple of factors: 1. It's not a love loss thing. I just feel empty. And 2. Damien is just in the bathroom taking a shower. So I can't miss him. I don't understand it.

Worst of all... I feel a need to serve. Maybe I should talk to Bob about this. It's getting weird.

Romaxxy gave me a choker collar necklace. It's really pretty. He said he had it made just for me. Aw! It's silver and it has rubies in it. But... it won't come off. This should alarm me, but oddly I don't want it off. It's like it should be there. It's so comfy, it doesn't hurt me at all like some chokers do. I just won't tell Damien that it was given to me by another male. I'll just tell him Cas sent it to me from some far off land and I don't want to take it off because it's special to me. He'll get that. He knows that I don't see her a lot and it'll mean a lot to me. Yea, we'll go with that.

But I did notive that I was acting strange myself. I was close to Romaxy, reviling in his touch. But it wasn't the same pull of love, not the same hold Damien has on me. It was just because it was... him. Hm. Maybe it was something Paladin put in the drink he made me. Yea, that was something different. So I blame him. Even though the drink was good. Yum.

Ly and I met a new Pi boy named Tristen. He seemed cool. He really liked Ly. That's a no go.
Oh, and Darky is back. Grrrrreat. Kill me now.

Kisses,
Jadden

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-25 17:53 EST

* A few crimson tears littered the page here and there. The page looked frayed, like it was about to be torn out but the action was stopped and the page was smoothed out*

-Entry 66

Crossfade - Cold

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

Dear Diary:

I... I... left Rhydin for the week. I ... don't want to be there right now. Dooped, fooled by shiney new gifts. Worse yet, I didn't even see it myself.

That choker was a slave collar and it changed me. I didn't even see myself changing.
It made Damien disappointed. I disappointed him. I am weak. I fear he'll lose that twinkle in his eyes when he looks at me, like he doesn't want anything to do with me. I... think I saw that tonight. I.. I... never want to see that again.

I'm so... afraid to lose him. Almost as much as I am afraid to lose Claira. No no, more so even. I'd... give up if he left me.

Everyone's faces... Ly... Hina... Damien... all full of disappointment... disgust. Especially Hina... she... wanted to ht me. I could see it... in her eyes. I'm... so sorry. Just... the disappointment.

I told Damien I was sorry... and I'd never take gifts from the likes of Romax again... But I don't think that'll be enough. Ever. I'll always be viewed as weak now... just because I can't keep my hands off shiney new necklaces.

But we did talk a short moment about a date for the wedding. At least he's not disgusted enough to keep that out of his future. Heart warming... April.

I left the inn... and just drove. Didn't bother to change from the stupid dress I wore to please Romax. I feel sick. I'm still wearing it. But I went back home. Bon Temps. The old Rogue mansion. Shaggy still holds it up. He really fixed it up since I told him he could have it twenty years ago. He's such a good kid... and brother. Dear sweet Markus, whose hair shall never be cut or I will hurt him. My Shaggy, the only person I could turn to.
I... should probably get off the bathroom floor. I can feel Shaggy worrying from here.

-Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-29 13:45 EST

* Yet again, more crumples... a few rips here and there. Crimson tears? Yep. Even though the entry was so short and mostly made no sense... it must have been the most heart felt one of all *

-Entry... entry... ?

Dear Diary...?:

He's... gone. Alone. Empty. One slip... over. I... don't know... what he wants me to... say. Gone. I've... told him... everything, but... it's not enough. Professed my undying love... not enough. I.. I.. just want him... back. Never... I'll always disappoint. I.. don't know what I'll do. I've already said... I'd... give up without... him. I can feel myself stopping... regressing.

Hina... is the only one... who understands... who knows. Her... own brother. I feel... so bad... for her clothes.... I've cried all over them. I'll... buy her new ones. But... she is the only one... who knows what's going on. I haven't told the other girls... Don't want to alert... alarm them. So here we are... in my room... Hina muffling my cries. Poor... Claira... She doesn't... understand.

But... I keep up hope... Still.. wearing the ... ring. Hoping... that... he'll come back... and forgive me. That... we'll get married... and live happily... ever after.
I... fear... my dreams... are gone.

Jadden

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-30 13:26 EST

-Entry 67

Evanescence - Lithium

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh I'm gonna let it go

Dear Diary:

I feel mildly sane again, not that I'll ever truly be the same.... but I guess I'm making a start, right? All the girls hovered over me last night... I was glad I wasn't alone. All they did was comfort me... I couldn't and can't thank them enough... for being there. We stayed up and watched scary movies all night. Ly and I yelled at the screen at what 30 Days Of Night portrayed vampires like. We are SO not like that... well, at least not the good ones. They all pampered me to help me forget... I'm... glad they did. But... Hina. She tried to be happy for me... but... with all that's happened... everything has broken her, everything.

I have to report some twists of events Hina told me. Apparently only a few hours (or less) Hina walked into the inn to meet Bree... and none other than my fiancee was shacking up with her... in the inn. You don't even know how much I want to cry... but can't because I have no tears left. Needless to say... Hina was vivid.

I mean, I don't even know what exactly to say about this. I don't even know if I can call him my fiancee anymore. Rhy tried to consol me, telling me that it was probably only cold feet... but... damn. What twisted way of grieving does he have. I... hate to say it... but maybe... he was just looking for a way out. One lil slip up of mine, no matter how minor, and he was going to be gone. Was he scared of becoming "Mr. Jade"? Probably. That wasn't my fault though. I can't help it that I'm a people person and he's... not.

Rhy was holding me... telling me that'd she'd try to fix things for my sake... that Damien had to love me... that everyone loved me. Lang got mad... saying that if Damien did this to me over something so trival that he didn't deserve me, that he was just a low down bastard. What could I say to fight that? Nothing. Could I have said no, that he wasn't like that, that he had changed? That's what I had thought at one time... but after I heard what Hina said... I can't think that anymore. What can I think? The only person that changed was me... Because I was faithful, waiting to get the life that I always wanted. But that dream went down the drain, didn't it?

I'm just waiting for all the "I told you so"s to come and smack me in the face... for ever being hopeful... for ever falling in love. Over 200 and some odd years I was waiting to be perfectly happy... only to be ditched and played. Everyone told me. But amazingly... Lang was actually nice to me about this. I guess he knew how much I wanted this, how much I changed for it. I guess I'm hurting everyone with my pain. Hurting Hina more. She already went through this... but for me to go through the exact same thing... from her brother... well... I can't imagine it. All we have are each other. I'm the only one she considers family anymore, besides her mother. Isn't that sad? That her own blood let her down, ashamed her. It's better if I look through her eyes instead of mine. I don't feel like going through my own sorrow at the moment.

I've been a pathetic babbling brook of tears the past two days... and I'm going to stop. I know even as I say that, that something might make me cry later. Oi, but I'm going to stop for everyone else's sake. I'll hold it inside to stop them from worrying too much or as much. I'm a big girl. A big girl that just had her heart torn out, chewed on, spit out, stompt on, and given back, but a big girl none the less. I'll make it through... I always do.

Lang and Hina yelled at me for calling myself a whore. Well, wouldn't you feel the way I do if this happened? Hina started going on and on about how she was a bigger one than me... and from all she said... um... I am... or was... more of a whore than her. Point blank.

But anyway... I'm going to go lie in the sun for a while and see if that damned ritual will wear off and the sun will burn me. What? A girl can hope, right?
And... the ring is still on... A sign of what could have been.

Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-03-31 18:19 EST

-Entry 68

Paramore - That's What You Get

No sir
Well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn to take a seat
We're settling the final score

And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, woah

I wonder
How am I supposed to feel when you're not here?
Cuz I've burned every bridge I ever built
When you were here

I still try
Holding on to silly things, I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities
I'm sure you've heard

That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, woah

Pain, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting (so inviting)
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me
Let's start, start - hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh, why do we like to hurt so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah

That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
That's what you get when you let your heart win, woah
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, woah

Dear Diary:

So Rhy and Ly chewed Damien out. I only caught the last bit of it... and I'm glad. What I did hear was pretty hurtful. And then what Rhy and Ly told me later hurt even worse. You know that thing where I said I wasn't going to cry? Well yea, that didn't hold up long.

I spent most of the evening with Gabe, then Skidly. As soon as I saw the two... the tears came. More so with Skidly because he's Damien's "kin". (I'll never understand how that worked.) Gabe just comforted me... then poofed. Hm. Both yelled at me for calling myself a whore. Skidly actually got a little angry with me. I'm glad... someone thinks I'm not. So why do I think I am?

Skidly was shocked - that Damien could be so stupid. That he could let me go. That he could be so foolish. I've wondered the same thing, only I haven't been so calm when I was asking myself these questions. I guess what Damien said about me is right now. I am weak, pathetic, disappointing... only now its because of him. A little more less than sane, if I ever was at all.

If everyone thinks I'm so great... if everyone loves me so much... Why can't I get something so... complex... yet simple as love right? Is it just impossible for me? Ah, have I forgotten that I'm one of the damed, forsaken? It happens.

So, Skidly and I went to the inn, I piggy backing him in my too weak to walk state. We caught the tail end of the conversation - Rhy and Ly yelling at Damien. I heart them. He so conviently left as we came in. Even what I heard hurt. He told Skidly to tell Kai that he blames her for ever getting involved with me. Well... that's a little disheartening. Skid told him that whenever he had time that he wanted to talk to him. Oh, I can just imagine the conversation there. Oi. Life bites... litterally... and I'm not even alive!

But after Damien left, I was left to hang with the Pi boys and Rhy. Talk about uncool, Dean and Rhy were all making out infront of me. Well, but damn. They are cute together. I forgive them. Though I wasn't allowed to mope with them around. Dean and I got into a "fight" over Rhy. Uh yea, a tickle fight. I love him. I really do. So sweet. I'm so glad at least one of us got the good guy. I'm proud of Rhy. I'm just extremely jealous. I mean, can you blame me? It's not a hateful jealousy... it's a proud one. Does that make sense? It does to me.

Yami is back. Yaaaay~ And is dating a guy named Talon. Mind you, he's dated Ren too. I'm watching him... very carefully.

But remember that Tristen guy I was telling you about? You know, the one who was all wanting Ly and stuff and I won't let him? Well, he confuses me... and made me cry. I mean, it wasn't like he meant to - far from it. He was trying to be incredibly sweet... too bad that at this point in time incredibly sweet might makes me cry. I guess it kinda started when Dean yelled at Tristen for "checking out" Rhy's tush and he told Dean that if it made him feel better that he didn't want Rhy, he wanted her friend - meaning Ly. Cue me yelling at him... as I was in the tickle war with Dean, mind you. He was all like "Then can I have you beautiful?" I was all like WTF face. Blank stares. Though with the added pie in his face thanks to Russ and Dean tickling me, I laughed... hard. But I knew the look on Rhy's face after he said that! She has plans afoot! I fear I may be doomed!

Annnywho, he was like "What? I'd make ya smile. I'd even put away Susan." Who is this Susan, you ask? "She" is a sex toy and I'm scared. Wow, scared for the people who actually needed those. Well, not that I'm going to get any for a while. It's not that I can't... It's just my choice. Argh! Back to what I was saying! Yadda yadda yadda, he was all like "You deserve a guy who's faithful" and yadda yadda yadda. I asked if anyone paid him to say that. You never know! Rhy would've if she thought of it. She SO would... like you don't even know. Annnnyway! He told me no, that I just needed a nice guy. Well hell, cue the water works. It's not my fault! I'm just a tad touchy! Okay, a lot touchy. Throw stones at my why don't cha! Yami went all "reow" a second because she thought that Tristen did something wrong. I had to yell her that it was okay, some other guy made me this way. Yay~ Damien's on another friend's sh!t list. Gods, I heart my friends.

Dude, I think I have the shortest attention span ever. I just went off topic like eight times. Egag! So... Anyway! What's with men? They are so fickle! All this nice stuff coming from a guy that wants (and will not have because I love my brother so) Ly. Fi-ckle. I mean, no matter how fickle he may be - he's still a nice guy and a good friend. He even walked me to the Chi house when I wanted to leave. D'Awwww. He said that he was leaving anyway... and like... the Pi house is jus down the road. And no, there isn't any juicy gossip coming from that. He just had his arm around my shoulders, me leaning against him. The end. Rhy called me when she got home with Dean... looking for gossip. I told her and she was like D'Awwww. I went D'click. She'll forgive me for hanging up on her. Er, bad signal? Yeaaa...

What if he does want more? OMG I'm not even ready to think about that. He's a nice guy, he'll understand. Plus, he wants Ly, right? I'm in the clear. Oh, here's another disheartening thought: I'm alway second choice. When guys can't get what they really want, they come to me. Ooo, that hurts one's mind and soul. Ouch. Damien wanted Kai, was rejected, then got me. Now Tristen wanted Ly, then turned to me. What is this? A Jadey-go-round? I feel kinda sick. You know, from all the spinning. Ha ha, Merry-go-rounds spin. Ha ha... Okay, yea. That was kinda lame.

But you know what? After being cheered up by Rhy and the Pi boys last night, I've decided to chin up. Back to the old Jade. Okay, no more love for a while... but Jadey none the less. Back to having fun and messing round. Back to rockin out and thinking I'm the Queen of my own little world. No more tears and self pity! I won't give Damien the satisfaction! I'm back, damnit! Back with full Jade-Zilla Muffin Princess Badsider Drinkin Men Killin force! Damnit, screw all the men that scorned me before! I'm going to live! Well, even if I'm dead... But I'm going to live! You've never seen me better! You ain't seen nothin yet! Robert Kidd, eat yer heart out!!
Okay.... I don't know where that came from... But I felt that was needed.

Wow... that felt good. Whew.

Like Skid said, "There are men in RhyDin that'd kill to be Mr. Jadeh."
Well let them swoon!

Kisses!
J-Z~ Rockin yo house all night long

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-01 17:32 EST

*Click, music plays in the background*

[Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now

Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so
I'm so sick]

- What is this now? Entry 69... heh

Dear Diary:

I got my own tape recorder for this one. I didn't think words on paper could capture my... my... frustration! enough. I need... I need ... to rant! How dare some snot nosed... prick! try to woo me! Jadey is NOT ready to be woo'd... by such... womanizing filthy hands! Filthy filthy hands!

What? Did some guy hear that I was single and easy? To try to get in my pants... up my skirt?! Uhhhhhgh! I effin hate this! Where does a guy get the idea that he could do that to ME?! Me of all people!

Use my current situatuation to try to pull one over on me! No! Not this time! The new Jadey isn't going to let that happen. No no no.

He... he... kissed me! WTF! *(Well, she didn't exactly say that... but it was a cue censors moment.)* How dare he even touch me!? He... he.. God bless, what was his name? Oooooh, I'm so pissed that I forgot his name! Uhhhgh! It was ... Max! Maximus! Pissed me frikken off!

Everyone in RhyDin knows by now about me - from Franco to word of mouth. He must! have heard about it... trying to get with me! What the hell?! This town is SO cruel! Has this town no respect for grieving?! The first day I'm back in the kinda norm... and this sh!t happens! UGH!

*There were clattering sounds and a slight bang* Sorry, I felt the urge to throw something. The guy started out so polite... then... turned out to be like every other guy in this town! A cocky womanizing jerk! Talking about how he was kiss me, hold me tight... blah blah blah! No! He sucks! Can't anyone understand that I need my time?! Eff that! I need to be... not invovled! Jus... party... be myself! Meeeeeeen!

So after a few bouts... yelling matches, I went up to his table telling him not to talk to me like that or I'd clock him. Then he... he... kissed me! Mother effin cocky arsed Jackarse! Whhhhy?! I pulled him off me and wound my arm back and... socked him clean across the jaw. The punch... felt nice. There was some more yelling matches... with me doing most of the yelling. Why me? Seriously. Tristen came in somewhere in there. I would've paid attention more if I wasn't fighting a horny man off me.

Well, after he heard me yelling he came over to see what was going on. I huffed, told him nothing, gave him a pitiful excuse of a thank you for walking me home the night before, and stomped out. Oh, and I really wanted to tell him how thoughtful it was too! Why did that guy have to... have to... kiss me! Ruined everything! I wonder what happened when I left. Hm, I wonder if Rhy and Tristen yelled at him. Ha ha ha ha ha, it makes me giggle. Serves the guy right! Hittin on ME like that! Jerk!

Oh, and before all the piss-off-ery kiss-ery happened, Bri Bri came in to check on me... seeing as he and Jen Jen read the GangSTAR. He was glad I was alright. The twins are 6 monthes old and I still haven't seen them! I'm the worst aunt ever! I plan on taking Claira to the compound in a few days... seeing as I don't have a wedding to plan for anymore... eh.

I guess that's all the ranting... Buh-bye.

*there was a sound of a creaking door opening. It sounded like the tape recorder was tried to be turned off, but the button wasn't down all the way. Little feet patters could be heard.*

Mommy...?

Yes, Sweetie?

What was that banging noise? The bad man didn't hurt your heart again, did he? I'll beat him up, yes I will!

*there was a bit of laughter and russling sounds as Jade picked up her daughter*

No, Claira baby. No bad demon is ever going to her mommy again.

Really, mommy? You're okay now? No more red tears?

Yep, really. No more bad men and no more red tears.... Wellm only if you make me cry.

*A gasp* Why would I make you cry?

If you make me sooo proud, like I am everyday.

Ohhhh. *a giggle* I love you, mommy.

I love you too, baby. Soooo much. It's just going to be you and me for a while. Just us and the girls.

Yay! I like them better any day! I didn't think the bad demon man liked me too much anyway.

Don't worry, sweetie. I don't think he liked me too much either.

But you liked him! No fair!

Nothin' is, luv. How 'bout we go bug Rhy for some candy?

Yay!! I'll go get her! She's sleeeeeepin! No naps! She's supposed to be a big girl! Big girls like me don't take naps!

*There was more laughter, a pitter patter of feet on the floor, then more russling*

Oh shi- *click*

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-02 18:11 EST

-Entry 70

No Doubt - Hella Good

The waves keep on crashing on me for some reason
But your love keeps on coming like a thunderbolt
Come here a little closer
'Cause I wanna see you, baby, real close up
(Get over here)

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

A performance deserving of standing ovations
And who would have thought it'd be the two of us
So don't wake me if I'm dreaming
'Cause I'm in the mood come on and give it up

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing
You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

Ooh yeah yeah
Ooh yeah yeah

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing
You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

Keep on dancing
Keep on dancing

Dear Diary:

I think I'm going to go die now. Confusion! Why? Why God does Tristen have to be so damn cute?! Why can't you just let me be a good girl and let me wait a while? Why can't you just let me not look like a slut for once? Whhhhy? Why is Tristen perfectly perfect and why does everyone think we are "so cute together"?! Why, God? Why?! I blame you, God.

I mean, why don't I just smack myself for being so stupid? Just go for it, right? But my heart is like "You get involved again and I'll kill you." Though... He's so cute ... and sweet... and funny... and... nooooo! I can't even be thinking about this right now! It's horrible. It's soooo tempting it hurts! I mother effin hate this. If its not one guy macking up on me, it's another unknowingly stealing my heart! Why can't I just be happy? I don't know... Maybe it's just that my heart was just replaced... with a slightly weaker one I'm beginning to think. It's such a repetitive thing. I fell for Damien right after I broke things off with Gabe. Now I'm trying to drag myself away so I won't fall for Tristen right after Damien left me. Why, God, why? Is it funny? Do you like seeing me go from high to low? Do you like to see me in pain? It's not funny! Truly! It's not!

Oh, and Brandy told me he beat up Damien! Well, he physically didn't - he blasted him with his cool Brandy mind powers. I... love... my brother! <3 <3 <3! You don't even know, man. Everyone's been doing such great things for me lately... with everything that's happened. Ly, Rhy, and Hina bitching at Damien... And Brandy actually Damien up in the inn! It's... it's too much! I love them all like you don't even know! I wouldn't trade my homies for anything! That's a fact!

Tristen gave me a rose that was black... then he turned it as green as my eyes, saying that things always bleek. Awww. I hate him. He just made meh aw. And he's not even here. We got into a tickle fight.... more so him tickling me without mercy. No fair. Why do guys know my only weakness?! I was kicking and screaming... and laughing for a long while. He even threw me over his shoulder. The entire time I was hearing "They are so cute together" from like... eight different people! What?! Do they think I can't hear them? I'm a vampire! I hear everything! I heart my powers. Hina nabbed my shoe, so Tristen finnnnally let me go to get it. For the brief moment I was in his arms... you shoulda seen his face. So shy and meek. Just the cutest! I'm slowly hating myself more. Please hold while I stab myself in the gut. So I gave Tristen a quick smooch without thinking and dashed off to pounce Hina. Shoulda seen that blush he had! But he told Dean that I (of all people) was too good for him. Talk about wrong and reverse! I won't even go into the rant of how wrong he is.

I blame my vampiric ears for hearing him tell Dean all his love woes. Poor thing hasn't ever had a good girl. Even the "good girl" left him. No wonder he's had to use "Susan"! (I might have to wash my brain for even thinking of that.) Women have failed him. That poor nice boy! I'm surprised no one hasn't taken him up already. Stupid girls, can't see a nice guy when he's infront of them... and then when they do, they ruin it! Idiots!

I was running away from Hina... and the nexus ganked me. I woke up in my shower... fully clothed and the water running. Great. Nearly ruined my corset. Speaking of Hina, Kai made her all better! She's all happy again! Score! Annnnd I pledged her into the CZK! Score two! She's a sorority sister now! Hizzah!

Oh... lookie here. Bob sent me a letter. Better go read it.

Kisses,
Jadey

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-03 17:27 EST

-Entry 71

Green Day - She's A Rebel

She's a rebel
She's a saint
She's salt of the earth
And she's dangerous

She's a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction

From Chicago to Toronto
She's the one that they
Call old whatsername

She's the symbol
of resistance
and she's holding on my
heart like a hand grenade

Is she dreaming
what I'm thinking
Is she the mother of all bombs
gonna detonate

Is she trouble
like I'm trouble
make it a double
twist of fate
or a melody that

She sings the revolution
the dawning of our lives
she brings this liberation
that I just can't define
nothing comes to mind

She's a rebel
She's a saint
She's salt of the earth
And she's dangerous

She's a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction

She's a rebel
She's a saint
She's salt of the earth
And she's dangerous

She's a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction

She's a rebel, She's a rebel, She's a rebel, And she's dangerous

Dear Diary:

Word of the day: Self-loathing. My life totes sucks. It's not funny. I don't want to be involved... but Tristy is making it so hard! Argh. It's not his fault, really. More so my blasted heart. He's perfectly perfect at the worst of worst times. Franco was actually saying that I was getting back some class when I beat up that Max guy... then said I was going back to my old ways when Tristen and I were goofing off in the inn. UGH. First off, that wasn't my fault. He started it. Second, what the fell do they want me to do? Mope and cry more than I did over a guy who turned out to not gave two sh!ts about me? Uh, no. That's not Jadey style. I have better things to do.

It's going to be even worse when Franco hears I went home with Tristy. Well, I didn't go home with him, but Franco will twist anything around for good gossip. I walked him home, returning the favor for when he walked me home - only I was in a better mood last night. Nothing happened, you dirty old diary. Well, except me telling him I'd bake him some blueberry muffins. That's his favorite. Oh... I gotta bake those. Oooo yea, that's SO gossip worthy. We walked each other home arm in arm taking about muffins. Really, woo buddy. That's almost too hot to talk about. Ha.

Damien was in the inn. Ruined my day in 2.9 seconds. New record. I ignored him most of the night, hanging around with the Pi boys - until he said something to be. He actually had the balls to claim infront of God and everyone else in the inn that I was the one that called off the wedding. What?! He is SUCH a lying bastard! After he shose to start ripping on Ly and Brandy, I just stopped listening to him as a whole. I was minding my own business, turning my back on Damien and standing my ground in defiance, when Tristen swipped me up and took me over to the couch with him and Dean. Argh. He ruined my stance.

And we had a moment. We effin had a moment. Dean was so trying to aww. We looked away all sheepishly, agreeing to be friends. I fear the worst. I suck at being "just friends" with people I'm interested in. .... Oh my gaw... I just frikken admitted it. Great. I'm toast. Then Dean and Brandy number two (Pi version) kept trying to get Tristy to kiss me. They are horrible. I'm telling Rhy on Dean. Tristy told them that he wouldn't until I was ready. Awww. Ten points on the cutie scale. Then we started talking about piercings and I about died laughing. Brandy number two didn't know what a Prince Albert was! OMG, nearly died.

Buuuuut Tristy said that he should head back to the Pi house... and I had to go to the Chi house anyway. I thought I'd relieve Rhy of Claira duty. Heh. So we walked each other home. No biggie.

I want to wait, but I'd hate Trist to fall for someone else. Well, that might be better for him... find and cute wholesome girl. People might start hating him for seeing me. So... It'd be better if we didn't, right? For him at least.

We'll see.

Kisses,
J-Z

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-04 18:14 EST

-Entry 72

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken

You like to think you're never wrong
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned)

You love the things I say I'll do
The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away when I give in
My life
My pride is broken

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
Puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

You like to think you're never wrong ? Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You have to act like you're someone ? Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want someone to hurt like you ? Forfeit the game
(You live what you've learned)
You want to share what you have been through
(You live what you've learned)

Dear Diary:

He took the ring back. That hurt pretty bad. It's just that he already took everything from me... and he took the last bit of him I had left. He didn't want the ring itself... just his crystal in it. He just threw away the ring. That hurt too. He just... threw it away... like it was nothing... like it never meant anything to hin. I... almost cried. I didn't, but I could have. I wouldn't let him have the satisfaction of seeing me cry over something so trival to him. But I felt the crimson tears brimming.

I was the source of all the madness in the inn, in some way or another. I didn't even have to say anything to make anyone mad. Tristy got mad at my emotions, that I nearly cried when Damien took the ring back. Okay, well he wasn't really mad at me - he was mad at Damien. Everyone was mad at Damien. Even the Hulk got into it with him, more so because of his smart mouth. All this hub-bub just because of me and Damien taking back his damned ring.

I dunno, I think Tristy is a little disappointed in me... at the fact that Damien still gets to me. I hate that I love... loved him. I hate that his stupid false charm wisked me off my feet. I hate that it worked. I hate that I let myself fall so deeply in love with someone everyone told me to run away from. I hate that I wanted a future. I hate that I wanted him to be the one. Worst of all, I'll never forgive myself. So for Tristy to be disappointed in me, he's not the only one. Disappointment started this whole thing. Maybe he's also disappointed in me because I actually fell for Damien to begin with. "Why do girls fall for guys like him?", I think those were Tristy's words. Hasn't he ever heard the saying 'The good girls always fall for the bad boys'? Well, I'm not exactly good, but the saying is all the same.

But... Tristy went off on Damien... and that was a little shocking. Damien was just as smug as ever... like he was inviting a fight. tristy was yelling at him, telling him that he could have the decency to get the ring back from behind closed doors instead of humiliating me infront of the whole inn. I asked Rhy if I should leave... because I made Tristy pissed off. She said that I wasn't, that Tristen was just figuring out that he was starting to care for me. That's a 'Hmmmm...' moment. Should I 'aw'? Really? But Damien was being a jackarse still and Tristy just stomped out. I hate Damien. I hate him for hurting my friends. I asked Rhy if I should go get Trist or would I make it worse and she told me to go follow him.

Somewhere in there Rhy gave me a black baby doll t-shirt with "1 of 2. Dynamic Duo" on the front and "Jade-Zilla and Rhy" on the back with lime green lettering. We rock...? Heh. And I gave Tristy the muffins I baked him. Claira threw in a lollipop too. Ain't she a cutie?

Annnnyway, so I went out to the porch where Tristen was cooling off and I sat down beside him. I told him not to worry... that Damien was just a big jackarse. All talk, no action. I told him everything was alright. He told me that it wasn't alright... it looked like I was going to cry. Damn those crimson tears for surfacing. But we ended up walking each other home again. We didn't talk much about what happened, he too annoyed at the situation - I not wanted to talk about it. It's better if I don't. We talked about Claira... I told him she was six and that she was half human and half vampire. I didn't even go into the whole "Darky cloning me" thing. That'd be a little too confusing right now.

Kisses,
Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-05 17:51 EST

-Entry 73

No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

Dear Diary:

Damien... apologized. He gave... the crystal back. Why couldn't he just... leave me alone!? Why do I have to be so inbetween!?! But... he doesn't want me back... which is a good thing in some ways. It's so confusing though. At least he's making an effort.

Though... Hina went off when he tried at an apology. Well, he just gave me a box with the stone and a piece of paper saying that he should have handled things better. Hina started yelling and screaming about this and that... about all that's happened. Well, I knew this would be coming sometime or another. There is only a woman can hold... and it just built up and came out. Poor Hina. She stomped out of the inn.

Rhy saw the whole thing. She hugged me and I set my head on her shoulder. It'll never be enough. The pain'll never stop. She said she was happy for me. I asked her why, everytime I see him I want to shot myself. She said that if it was her, she'd already jumped off a bridge. She's happy that I'm strong, happy that I didn't marry the wrong guy, happy that I can move on with my life. I told her that the only reason I could have made it through was because of her, Ly, Hina, and the Pi boys. But even if I didn't have them... I couldn't have done that to Claira.

The rest of the night was really a blur. I... I just thought most of the night in faux happiness. I was happy to be pissed off at Damien... forever. But... he had to apologize! I wish Trist was there... to be mad... or tell me not to worry about it... or something. Oh... there was a loincloth wearing wildsman somewhere in there. That kinda freaked me out.

Kisses,
Jadey-kins

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-06 18:11 EST

(OOC: The dashes mean actual words, but for the kiddies at home they were bleeped out. So, fill in your own words... kinda like Mad-lib! Have fun!)

*Click, tape recorder was instantly greated by blaring music and Jade's yelling growl of a voice*

[Breaking Benjamin - Breakdown

Breakdown!

Let the fun and games begin
She is spayed and broken in
Skin is cold and white
Such a lovely lonely night

Heaven is on the way
You can feel the hate
but I guess you never will
I'm on a roll again
and I want an end
'cause I feel it creeping in

What I found in this town
I'm heading for a breakdown
What's that sound, you're so loud
I'm heading for a breakdown

NO!

Drank up all my alcohol
This is not a free for all
I'll be there for you
'till my heart is black and blue

Heaven is on the way
You can feel the hate
but I guess you never will
I'm on a roll again
and I want an end
'cause I feel you creeping in

What I found in this town
I'm heading for a breakdown
What's that sound, you're so loud
I'm heading for a breakdown

What I found in this town
I'm heading for a breakdown
What's that sound, you're so loud
I'm heading for a breakdown

You breakdown, you're so proud
I'm heading for a breakdown
What's that sound, you're so loud
I'm heading for a breakdown

NO!]

What the ____ does he think he's doing?! Oh, he can ____ing cross me... but my friends?! My frikken best friend!? No! I won't stand for it! He... He's got another damn thing coming! I hate him! I ___ing hate Damien with everything I have in me! I've never meant anything more in my eternal life! I wish he'd die! I wish it is my hands that do it!

He ... drugged Rhy! He frikken drugged her! He slipped it into a drink he gave her as a "peace offering"! What a sick low classless no good pitiful excuse for a living being! Demon?! No! A slime ball ____ ___! Lower than slime! Where does he get the galls to do ___ like this? A day AFTER he apologized to me! He's going to get it, get what he deserves! I'm going to give it to him! I have no feelings for him now... other than hate and rage... malice. Pure rage. He drugged my best friend!

There is one thing he will learn and he will learn it quick, you can cross me... you can serve me all the bull ____ you want, but as soon as you harm my friends or family - your ___ is grass. He's taken things too far.

Hina's party? Fine until Damien and Kai got there. Who the hell invited him?! Kai! Hina didn't. Uh, even saying his name makes me sick We'll call him The Bastard. We all played around, joked. They all teased me for wondering where Tristy was. Then Kai left with Skidly and The Bastard gave Rhy a "peace offering" drink. Instantly, Rhy started freaking out and taking off her clothes. The Bastard just laughed! The ____ing Bastard laughed! Oh, we got into it then. I punched him. I wish I did more now when I had the chance. _____er is going down.

Rhy got sick and started throwing up. I picked her up and walked out. Damien was yelling something, but I didn't hear him. Before Rhy and I disappeared completely, I threw his crystal at him. He can shove that and his damn apology up his ___. Rhy thankfully passed out. She didn't remember a thing.

I took Rhy home and feed her some of my blood to get the drug out of her system. I think he slipped Acid... or PCP in her drink. But she was still passed out when I took her to the Pi house. Dean was pissed as hell. I don't know who was madder at. I left as soon as Dean tucked her into bed.

*There was a crack in her voice as her tone lowered*
I killed. I .... killed someone when I was coming home from the Pi house. I'm... sorry. I was so blinded by rage. They guy was just a filthy sleezey drunk. He said something... and I blew up. I went all out on the poor guy. He didn't even see it coming when those black tendrils wrapped him up... squeezing him tighter and tighter... his eyes popped out. Hanging by a thread... and I ripped them out. The screaming, I thought they'd never stop. They did when I slit his throat. I didn't even drink his blood, I was so mad. The sick thing was.... that I actually liked killing the guy. I wasn't killing the guy, I was killing a part of me. My love that I once had for.... The Bastard. No more. I haven't seen the tendrils since the evil had me, coming from my finger tips. But I know I didn't go all out. I'd like to think so, but I know better. I don't really like knowing what I'm capable. I burned the body... and casted the ashes out to sea....

My eyes haven't changed. They are black. They were crimson when I brought Rhy back... but I guess when I killed that man in rage... they turned black. Never a good sign. I'm scared of scaring Claira if I look at her. What will she think? The more I think, the more I fume. I want his blood on my hands... it'll taste so good.

But... I'm scared of hurting someone that I don't want to. I'm scared I'll blow up again. I'm scared I'll hurt someone who'll try to help. I'm scared I'll hurt Tristy. I'd... die if I did that.

When will it be over?

*click*

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-07 14:53 EST

-Entry 75

Staind - Outside

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won't add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waist
More time than anyone

I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All that's wasted
It's all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

That I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Dear Diary:

I'm realitively more calm than I was the day before. My eyes changed back to jade. I'm glad about that. Rhy helped me out. She kept telling me that everything is fine, not to be so worked up. I'm not. Though, I did tell her that if even said the wrong thing to her that I'd slit The Bastard's throat. I think I saw him cringe. That made me happy.

Kai was telling him that if I didn't still love him, I wouldn't be reacting so violently. For the first time, Kai was wrong... dead wrong. The only part of him that I love is the busted lip I gave him. It looks beautiful.

I didn't stay at the inn too long. I told Rhy about... killing someone. I think ... it was the first time... I scared her. She seemed okay, slightly. She asked if I did it out of rage... and I told her that I was blinded by it. Oi.

I went back to the CZK house because the inn was getting to me. Because HE was there. I wanted to hurt him... but I couldn't because I promised Rhy. I keep promises, unlike some people.

Claira's been helping me out a lot too. She keeps me calm the most. It's the mother/daughter bond. I couldn't hurt her, ever. I can't even give her a paddling to save my life without getting misty eyed. Darn it.

That's it. For now. I think I need a new diary. The pages are starting to fal out!

Kisses,
Jade-Zilla... the cold blooded demon killah

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-10 17:44 EST

-Entry 76

Atreyu - Falling Down

You're always looking back
Running from the past
You're always sweating me
About the next big heart attack
You're looking over your shoulder
Staring down the path

I'm falling down
Falling down
Falling down

It's in your head
All the voices mistaken
(shake it off, shake it off)
We're all dying in the end

I'd never find the evidence so horrible
(so horrible)
To clear my thoughts
I drill a hole into my skull
Clean up my brains
Sweep them underneath the rug
I needed them more than I needed
Any other drug

I'm falling down
Falling down
Falling down

Come on!

I'm falling down
Falling down
Falling down

HEY!

Sing it!

Dear Diary:

I don't think I've written in here for a couple of days. Nothing really has happened. Staying with Claira at the Chi house, mostly. Rethinking things a lot. My daughter is the only thing close to me that I have anymore. As time goes by, lovers and friends will pass. But I'll still have my daughter. I mean, I want more than anything just to be happy - but I know that my daughter is more important than that now. She's the sweetest, cutest, smartest little thing you ever did see. I wouldn't trade her for the world. She's my daughter and she's all mine... Well, besides for her aunts all over her. Her father's gone and any other man I wanted in her life has up and left. So, it's just her and me. Against the world together. But its all good. I still have friends and fun, and she'll have all her little friends at school. She's all the rage in her kindergarden class. Though she's told me before that some kids shy away from her because I'm her mother. How did kids get so mean these days? Their parents. Hmpft. I swear, people and their inferiences. Don't even know a person before thinking bad about them. I mean, I'm not even half as bad as I used to be.

Buuuut I went to the inn last night. I got to see Tristy. I was actually glad. I was starting to miss him. Er... yea. He said that he wasn't afraid of a vampiress. I told him that he didn't know what I was capable of. Tristy said that he was especialy not afraid of me, that I was too good hearted. Great. I don't scare anyone. Well, I was in a good mood - do that didn't help my "scaryness". Bah. But Dean walked by and right into the inn... with barely a nod to us on the porch. So we followed him in and sat by him on a couch, making a Dean sammich. We asked him if he was okay and he said that he was fine. I can't remember what was said or what happened but Tristen mockingly said that he was going to leave. I instantly wrapped him up in a hug. (Dean was in the middle too before he got up and moved when Rhy came in.) We cuddled a bit. It was nice. He even played with my hair. Cuuute~

Then a RPS girl came in and had a bunch of deliveries. She gave me a package.... it had a pair of handcuffs and a bra and panties set in it. What a dirty perv that sent it to me. The lady didn't say who it was from. The delivery girl called Trist Kristen! HA! Though when the chick called my name, she said "Jaded Roquefort". Yeaaaa... that is so close to my name.

The usual chaos insued in the inn before I decided to leave. I'm going to spend more time with Claira from now on. She needs me, more than anyone else in the world. Plus... I don't think anyone else would want me. Well... I know people want me, that's just how males are. But I mean on a totally different level... if you understand.
Before I left, Trist was all like "Oh no hug for me? I see how it is." So, I hugged him and smooched his cheeks. He blushed and told me to take care. He really is a sweet one.

The walk home was sobbering. It scares me the way I've changed. Before, I would have been on the rebound quicker than a bear malling a man with a jar of honey - with any man I chose. But now... I'm calm and waiting. It... kinda freaks me out. I know a lot of people still see me as the same, but I see the change and that's all that matters.

Kisses,
J

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-15 18:57 EST

-Entry 77 ((Yay, go lazy bum. A day late))

Grey Daze - Spin

I want to pick up the pieces, so that
There's less complication, so that
There's less conversation, and
Less aggravation

I want to go out alone, man, so that
There's less confrontation, and man,
There's less association, and
Less company, yeah

I was so frustrated, man, that
I was all confused, man, and that
I was disillusioned, and
sick of your friends

Run, don't walk my way
Don't look my way
Cause I don't care, oh, no
So why are you still here
Why don't you disappear
And spin out of my life, oh

Why do we have limitation, and man
Why do we have limitation, so that
We don't get very far, and so that
We don't climb very high

I can't handle the indecision, and
I can't watch no more television, and
I won't miss you when you're gone
Cause I know my life will go on

Dear Diary:

I feel like crap warmed over on a saucer filled with maggots. Yea, that bad. If it ain't one thing, it's another. I don't think I've written in here in a while. I think Thursday of Friday was Hina's birthday. I can't really remember right now. Saturday was Gabe's wedding. It ... hurt a bit. But I was happy for him. He finally found what I couldn't give him. Love. What I wouldn't give him. I cried. I always cry at weddings. I like the girl. Rachel is her name. Sweet lil thang. She looked so beautiful. But the thing was ... that I hoped to be her... I wanted that. Not with him. But I wanted it so bad. No one could tell that was the real reason I cried, that my hope was gone.

I was dateless. Hina was the Maid of Honor. I don't know who the groom's men was... Band something? A lizard dude. It was a small wedding. Nothing like anything I would have had. But of course, I know way too many people. Vinny was there because Hina drug him into it. I cried on him. I was happy I wasn't alone. I just... needed someone. Rachel tried to throw her bouquet at me. But... Vinny caught it. He said he caught it for my sake, that I couldn't be the next one to get married. I need time to heal. Vinny... gets major kodous.

I made a stupid bet with Lang. The bet was that he couldn't have me even if he tried. So, if he won I had to admit that he could get me and if I won he'd have to be nicer to me. All I wanted was for him to be nicer to me. He's so mean to me at times. He kissed me. Three times. I fought him off, three times. Proving that I won. I played dirty, so did he. I finally headbutted ... and it hurt like hell. I called it off. My brain fried. Okay, so techniqually he won... but we won't let him know that. I called him out for having a girlfriend... and I think I upset him.

That's not what's bothing me though. Laun... made good with me... for the Alex/Lain/me situation. We were all defending friends... and for everything to be going on this long was retarded. Her words... more or less. She's right. She didn't want an apology, so I didn't give her one. I wanted to but I didn't. Everything's okay... I guess now. We're not going to act as though nothing happened, but we're going to put the past in the past. That's okay. But she said something that bothered me. She said that Brian gave me my own syndrome. The JWS. Jade Woman Syndrome. A revolving door for men that leave me for other women. Lain said that I should know what Bri thinks of me when I'm not around. I guess I always knew he thought that. It just hurt a bit. I dunno why. I mean, I know everyone thinks that. Hell, I even think that. But... it just bothered me.

So, I left soon after. Tristen Came in right before I left. What timing. I was glad to see him. He wanted me to stay, but I thought it best to leave. I told him I needed to be with my daughter anyway... and I did. Claira has such zest! She makes me forget everything. She always makes me feel better. She's my lil savior. But Tristen wanted me to promise him to bring him pictures of Claira one day... that he'd like to see her. He told me to take care and kissed me on the forehead. He's going to be the death of me. He's too cute.

Oh, Dirk was in the inn before all the crap happened. He... he wasn't too happy. He and Coley are fighting again. Big time. He gave me his wedding band to give to Cole. He ran out before I could asked anything. They were always my favorite couple... all great things must come to an end, right? It's just sad. RhyDin is getting so... sad. I sit here looking at the ring... wondering what went wrong. Everything. But it's not my business... I keep telling myself that.

I don't want to see Coley's face. It'll kill me. I hate to see him hurt. I hate to see anyone hurt. I hate being the good guy sometimes. Well, good girl... kinda.
But for now, I'll take my leave. Signing off!

Kisses,
Jade Eli

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-15 19:36 EST

-Entry 78

Fort Minor - Slip

You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose
Well I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of looking at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you I want someone to say its OKAY
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when I'm saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care

Dear Diary:

I think... I may have endangered Tristen. Ohhhh gods. I didn't mean to. You know that lycan that is feuding with Ly? Well, she came in the hall were we (Ly, Hina, Cole, Jessie , New Lex , and me) where. Why were we in there? Lain went all crazy like and what nor and was fighting with Alex. Le sigh. So we all thought it was better to go to the hall. Oh, speaking of Alex... it seems he's dating Shadow aka my niece now. Uhhh, if Icer is his sister... then isn't she his niece too? And... isn't she like... 15? I'm one to pass judgement nor do I have any room to talk in the love world... But .... uh... Oi. Oh yea, while we're on the subject of family - Lil Ruby was there. She's so cute. She a niece ... if you haven't guessed already from Icer. We just kept talking about how we missed Icer. Where could Icer have gone?

Annnyway, back to what I was going to say. Oooh wait... I got another thing to talk about first. I gave Coley back the ring. His face coulda killed me. I knew it.... just knew it would. He was trying not to cry and I could tell. We all wrapped him up in a hug, showing him out love. We heart Cole.

So we moved into the hall. We were all laughing and having a good time. I met Jessie and New Lex. Lexi is a cutie with glasses that really seemed to care for Cole. They were totally cute together, but I think he is the reason Cole and Dirk may be this way. Of course I won't say anything about it - It's not my business. Buuuut then that girl lycan chicj Rain came in the hall like she owned the place. She even was all over Cole! We were all like "Helllll no." I wanted to kick the snot out of her. Ly said I couldn't, that she and Rain had a pack. Rain was just calling on the fire that they could break the pack. Rain has to hit Ly first. No fair. But I didn't hit her because of Ly. Though she called me the "slutty bloodsucker". That ticked me off.

But... what she said when I asked her "what the eff did you say about me?", made me go off. I believe she said something to the extent of "I see you hanging all over that boy. You know, the one with the shaggy black hair. I'd just love to have a bite from him." Meaning Tristen. I threatened to kill her with my bare hands if she ever laid a finger on him. I will kill her, no matter what pack. You don't threaten Tristen, ever... especially around me. I think I'm getting rather fond of him. Hell... I don't think I've ever been that proper in a long while. But... I'll just see it as protecting him is paying him back for all the stuffs he did for me. Though a scary bitchy lycan (Ha ha... I made a funny. Bitch... dog... lycan... dog. Ha ha?) is much different then a guy helping me out through love problems. Errrr, oh well.

Kisses,
Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-16 19:06 EST

-Entry 79

Seether - Because of me

Here she comes again
She's feeling like she's already won
I believe it's gonna end again, all for naught
My philosophy is things are just as wrong as they seem
I believe it's gonna end this way, atrocity
Do you believe in love,
Like I believe in pain?
Nobody died for you, somebody pray for me

When you see me cut me down
And I will force it underground
There's no one left to hurt but me
And it's because of me, right?

There she walks away
She's feeling like she's having them on
I believe she's gonna bend again
And all for naught
My philosophy is things are just as wrong as they seem
I've gotta get you off of me, it's such an oddity
Do you believe in love,
Like I believe in pain?
Nobody died for you
Someone pray for me
I want to see you suffer
Suffer

Dear Diary:

I'm so antsy... nervous... pissed off. I just want to know if he's okay. Tristy. That lycan bitce hurt him! Right after the nexus ganked me! The only reason she touched him was because of me! Hina told me about it. It... it... peevs me. It's all because I ran my mouth. I shouldn't have let that stupid girl know that Tristy means so much to me. Stupid stupid me. Hina said Rain grabbed him by his throat and beat him up. She said that she healed him... and all he was asking about was me. That's so... sweet.. and self-less. But if it wasn't for my fondness of him, he wouldn't have gotten hurt!

This is... is bothering me so bad. Because of me. I want him to be happy... and carefree... not worrying about things that could happen to him because of me. I want him safe. I knew... I knew, just knew that me mingling with him would cause problems... for him. I... I can't do that to him. What am I going to do, diary? He's such a great guy and deserves someone who won't get him hurt. But what about me? Shouldn't I be able to be happy? Not if I get someone who I really care about in danger. What am I going to do?

I sat around the inn, drinking. Ah, the answer to everything it seems. Booze. My knee jerked up and doen, my nails were tapping at the bartop. Nervous. I'd look tp the door every now and then. He never came in. I just want to know if he's okay. I mean, I know he's okay because Hina wouldn't lie about something like that. But... my mind won't believe it until I see him.

What will I say? "Oh Trist! I'm so glad you're okay. I was so worried, but I can't ever talk to you or chill with you - even though I like you very much because I may cause you more harm." Yea, I can see that going over swimmingly. Ugh. Whhhhy?

But that stupid lycan did touch Tristen. So I'll stick to my word like I always do. If I see her, I'll serve her head on a nice silver platter. She chose the wrong vampiress to mess with. Ly is going to hate me for this. Her beef with Rain has spread and now its a beef with me. I don't back down. If I see her, she'll be mine. She'll learn not to mess with me or the ones I care about.

Hm, maybe I should work on my temper. I've always had such a short fuse. Nah, I'm just fine.

Oh, a funny thought before I leave. Damien hasn't been around since I threatened to kill him. I don't know why I thought about it... but I did. It's mildly amusing. It makes me think I scared him off... though I know that's not it at all. He's probably off trying to take over the Abyss. I'll have to talk to Bob about that. You know how much I do love foiling plans. Tee hee.

Kisses,
Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-20 16:26 EST

-Entry 80

Sugar Ray - Every Morning

Every morning there's a halo hangin
from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed
I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for
the weekend or a one-night stand

Couldn't understand
How to work it out
Once again as predicted left my broken heart open
and you ripped it out

Something's got me reeling
Stopped me from believing
Turn me around again
Said that we can do it
Y'know I wanna do it again

Oh...........

Oh................

Oh.......

Every Morning there's a heartache hanging
from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed
I know it's not mine and I know she thinks she loves me
but I never can believe what she said

Something so deceiving
When you stop believing
Turn me around again
Said we couldn't do it
Y'know I wanna do it again

Oh...........

Oh..................

Oh...........

Oh..........

She always rights the wrongs
For me
Baby
She always rights the wrongs
For me

Every Morning there's a halo hanging
from the corner of my girlfriends four-post bed
I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for
the weekend or a one-night stand

Every Morning
Every Morning when I wake up

Every Morning
Every Morning

Every Morning
Every Morning

Dear Diary:

Lang isn't nice. Actually, he could be too nice. And that's what's so confusing. We go from bickering idiots like we're married or seriously hate each other to being all nice and gushy. It's retarded. And when I say a married couple... it's not in a good way. We spent like... all day together in the inn. It was nuts. We met a guy that was all drippy and watery. We figured out that he was a water elemental. He said he came from the lake... and didn't have a name. Kai suggested "Evian". It was pretty and he agreed. I call him Evi.

Everyone was saying we were acting like we were married and we were perfect for each other. One, Rhy is my best friend. She had a relationship with him. She had a messy break up with one Lang. That spells trouble. There is a rule somewhere that states girls don't date their best friend's ex. It's just wrong. I told Lang that... and he said that you shouldn't care what other people think. WTF? What don't men get? She's my BFF. End of story. And two, I still don't know about Tristy. I haven't seen him in nearly a weak. He's always doing his music thing and I'm left here wondering. So basically, my love life is hopeless.

Lang never said he liked me, nor did he tell me he wanted to date me out right. But he made me think he liked me... made me think he wanted to date me - and that's all that matters. Because my mind ticks at all times. It bites. And he made me think that I might like him... that I might be happy with him. I hate him. Well, you know that movie 10 Things I Hate About You? You know that poem she reads near the end? It's kinda like that. I hate him but I can't deny the fact that I actually don't hate him at all. Bah, movie references. Good movie though. Though I don't think he'd buy me a guitar...

We spent the entire night bickering then being insanely sweet to each other. I don't know what to do. I say that all the time... because it's true. I'm an idiot and I don't know what to do anymore. I got yelled at for saying I'm the girl that gets used all the time. Not by Lang, by Will... AKA The Hulk. He scared me.

Well, isn't it true? Yes. That's all it seems men want from me. Only Tristy doesn't. That's why I'm of him. Oh, I found out I'm allergic to Tiger lillies. Go figure. And Lang gave me Roses and Irises. I made him though. Heh. Those are my favorite. He grows flowers in a garden. It's cute. I told him that... which led to more bickering. He hates cute, which is what I called him. I hate my old name Jadden, which he called me. Oi.

I think he gave up on Faye, which is terribley sad. She hasn't been around since the Club Babylon opening. I feel kinda bad... actually really bad for him. Just because I'm hopeless, he shouldn't have to be. Le sigh.

After some more bickering, I got tired and wanted to go home. Well, it was more so at the fact he said that him giving me flowers was better than anything any of the other guys have done for me. It made me cry a bit... because it was true. None of the other ones in years have given me flowers. Hm. Her cleaned my face off and apologized. I wanted to go home after that. Lang offered to walk me home. I let him, but I told him he didn't have to if he didn't want to... he said he wanted to.

We didn't say much on the walk home. I made him carry me though, I was too tired to walk. Claira made him stay. She hadn't seen him in a long while and she wanted to talk to him though it was late. They talked around me as I dozed on the couch. She told me he put her to bed when I woke up this morning. Though I hate him sometimes... I trust him. And I found myself in my bed... alone... and with my clothes still on. Great, he put me to bed... How childish do I feel.

Oh, I have to tell you about one of our gushy moments. We talked about Claita in the inn. I showed him new pictures of her that I keep in my wallet. I told him how she can count all the way to 30 now... and she knows all her ABC's. He said that she was starting to look just like me... besides the mass of curly hair. That hair! He said that I would look good with curly hair... at the time I didn't even dare to say anything about that. I don't know... it was just... sweet beyond reason.

Kill me. I'm just waiting for Franco to say "Jade is a whore" or something after that. Ugh.

Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-21 17:39 EST

-Entry 81

Drowning Pool - Pity

My life served on a plate
For all of you to eat
Take my love and hate
But what is this inside of me
Pity me pity me don't you pity me
Under everything something that you can't see
I can't even believe something is wrong with me
You swear that all of this is real
But sometimes I can't seem to feel
Nothing ever satisfies
One day I will realize
Am I really scared of something that I don't know
Do you even care
What is really wrong

Dear Diary:

Today... wasn't so great. Yea, so Franco basically called me a whore. Though I think his word was easy. I'm getting so sick of people. They think they can talk about people when they don't know a damn thing.

The day started out well enough. I went to the tea house and met up with Ryo. We messed around a bit and met a girl named Os. She is sweet and I like her. She's a spitfire. She said the nexus just spit her out and she had no where to stay. I offered her a room at the CZK house. Yea, I know. I'm too nice. But I just couldn't let that pretty lil thing be all homeless. Then this weird guy came in... spewing mindless babble... annoying as hell. And Lang came in. I fell over and spilled my coffee all over myself.... The annoying guy put my in a white tee shirt. Lang took pictures. I was annoyed to say the least.

So I told Lang to give me the camera. He wouldn't give it to me... So I had to take it from him. I searched him. I hadn't been so embarassed feeling up a man in my life. He kept flexing... making my head swim. He finally gave me the camera... And Rhy came in... all in a tizzy. Claira told her Lang was over. She was up in arms that I would date him. I told her not to worry... that he didn't even like me like that... that I wouldn't do that to her. She just said to be careful. Oi.

So Rhy ran out after that. And so did Lang. He said he was tired of all the kids talking... meaning Rhy. Lain came in and we went into the inn. She asked about Lang and I too. I tried to tell her that we were just friends... but then she came back with "do 'just friends' snuggle like that?" I suppose not. But I be thinking that Lang's just using me as a rebound girl... or using me ... tricking me into make believe for his own jollies. But that's just what I'm thinking, I think.

Then an imp came in... sounding a effing horn... calling out that The Great Damien Super-Long-M-Name-For-A-Middle-name (We'll say Mel, shall we?) Crowe was coming. Well I'll be... he actually has the galls to come back. AND he's acting all high and effing mighty to boot. HA! Who the hell does he think he is? Nothing. No one in this town worships him, nor is scared of him. Shall I laugh in his face? But for the rest of the inn's sake, I thought I'd leave for the night... that spending the night would be much better than being there with... him. Lain though he was chasing me out and that I shouldn't run just because of him. That was and wasn't it. Trust me, he couldn't chase me outta his own world to save his life. I needed my daughter and she needs me. I left to avoid doing something that wouldn't be good.... to make sure Claira had a mother to come home to her at night... Not someone sitting in a jail cell for murder. Damien was cruisin, I tell you what. He's playing with fire... He'll get burned if he don't watch it.

So I came home and chilled with Claira until she fell asleep. Here I am writing, watching over her. I think I'm going to have her hair cut soom. It's getting so long... so thick... so curly. Prolly should get it cut really soon. Might let her keep it long though... I don't think she'd want it too much shorter. It might scare me... to see the mass of hair all gone.

But the next time I see Lang, we have to talk... like civil adults for once. I have to find out things... he has to answer my questions for once. He has to stop treating me like a child or tormenting me for his own sick pleasures! I have questions that need to be answered. I may not like the answers he gives me... But I'll ask anyway. I'm tired of playing games. There are always games! I'm getting way too damn old for this crap. So we are going to sit down and talk. No taunting, no bickering - just talking.

Kisses,
Jade

Jade Ravenlock · Date: 2008-04-22 17:38 EST

-Entry 82

30 Seconds To Mars - Beautiful Lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

So beautiful, beautiful...

Dear Diary:

So... everything is clear and dandy now. Lang and I talked. Everything is fine... Though I won't talk or look at him the same for a while. But more on that later.

I got to see Tristy, which was really really really great. He played me a song and sang. The song was called "All I Want Is You"... I think. It was such a cute and corny song... but he sang it so well. I can see why he's into the music scene. Then I asked him how he was doing, if he was okay. You know, from that lycan attack. He said he was okay and I sounded like Ly. Oi. I tilted his head this way and that; he didn't have a scratch on him. That, I am grateful for. He tilted my chin up so that our gazes met and told me it would take a lot more than that to take him out. There would be one sad muffin maker out there if he was gone. Then that muffin maker would go one a killing spree... but let's not talk abou that. I already got a secret plan of death for that Rain chick that I'm not going to tell him about. Protective much? Nah. I told him that'd I'd just hate it if he got hurt more so because of me... then I looked to Dean and started talking to him - since he came up onto the porch. Ugh! Stupid stupid me! What a perfect time for a kiss and tell him that nothing like that would happen. But noooo, I had to go and do something totally different. Oi. Though I think I might have embarassed myself if I did that.

I spaced out a bit after that and Rhy came up to the porch. She apologized about the other night at the tea house, being all in a tizzy and all. I told her it was nothing to be apologizing for. She said that it was none of her business and that she shouldn't have said anything. I told her not to worry about it, that Lang and I were just friends. We settled in uneasy silence. I hate silence. Then the nexus ganked Tristy. That bit tush. Annnd Lang appeared. Rhy and him almost got into it about God knows what. I told him that we needed to talk and he agreed.

We went to the teas shop. It started out with the general 'What the hell?'. He basically said that he as an arsehole. Er, okay... I said that for him. He said that he just saw me as a friend and shouldn't have misled me like that. Check please. I have a new reason to hate him. No only does he love to torture me... he's able to mislead me as well. Men. I hate them so. Well, not Tristy. He doesn't lie. He doesn't tease me for his own amusement. Can't there me more guys like him? Anyway, he did say that I wasn't the rebound girl... and something about me not having a backbone. Eh, the last bit pissed me off slightly. I agreed that we should just be friends, not like anything more would ever become of it. He is Lang, I am me. Water and vinegar. I asked if we were done with the conversation and he said yea, and did I want to go back to the inn. I didn't want to... so I just went home.

I just have this sick feeling that mayhaps I muffed things up with Tristy. Lang and I are nothing. Or... is totally nothing now. More so. Totally. But he could hear from someone that we're dating or something. Argh. He's the only good guy around here and I muffed things up! I always do that! I hate myself sometimes. I mean... I think I'm thinking things way too through. This is the first time in over a week that I've seen him. I just need to chillax. It's not like we're dating or anything. Yea Jade, a chill pill. Oi, you know me... the worry wort.

Kisses,
Jadey

Topic: In the diary of Jade

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