Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.
--William Stafford


?How someone tha small can make such chaos never ceases ta amaze me,? Koy grumbled to herself as she gathered up the strewn ribbon, construction paper shreds and smushed crayon stubs Thia had left in her wake in the living room. The child slept soundly in her bed while Koy waited for the girl?s father to come home. Anxiously waited, at that. These days she fretted over how unhinged Matt might become out in public. His ice displays, frozen glass shards and arctic air surrounding him occurred with more and more frequency and in front of too many people. He should have cared more to control it. Or if he did care, all the worse because it meant he could not.

These thoughts came to a halt as she became aware of MoonBeryl?s presence. They knew each other so well that he said nothing to her but she knew he waited for her to acknowledge him. If he could stand in a body in front of her she knew he would be staring at her until she addressed him.

?Wha??

?I am deciding whether to be stunned yet again by your disjointed intellect or to simply be amused at your unintentional statement.?

Koy stood up from her crouched down position after retrieving a glue stick her daughter had lost under an ottoman. She rolled her eyes even though the gesture would be lost on the faceless Opal. ?It?s late and I?m tired. Jest say whaever glib thing ye want and be done with it already. Ye?re worse than a school girl who?s jest come inta puberty and insists on prancin? back and forth with her new chest pointed out and on display.?

MoonBeryl hid his struggle to fully understand her reference. His holders had been grown, physically if not mentally, and his experience of the changes involved in transitioning to adulthood were limited. He defaulted to a condescending tone, caked in its usual warm sugar flow, but leaving his disdain for an aftertaste. He played it off as if he would not stoop so low as to even respond to her moronic commentary. ?Both then. I am amused and surprised that for all the time you spend wringing your hands over the destructive abilities of seemingly small stones like my siblings that with a straight face you show disbelief that a child of equally diminutive stature likewise could prove to be a force of nature.?

Koy paused and had to slowly roll his words around her sleep-deprived brain until it clicked. He had put more analytical skills to work on her grumble about her daughter as she cleaned. ?Oh. Oh, ye?re comparin? Thia?s abilities ta rocks and sayin? size doesn?t matter.? She wanted to detour with a crude joke at the last sentiment but the former idea rattled around in her mind. It shook up Koy?s conscience for a moment too long until she stuffed it down, deep into the root of her very being to join the other nagging thoughts that threatened daily to creep back up and spill over. There was room still to ignore them.

Fortunately for the elf, the sound of a key turning in the door jerked her away from a road she would not travel down.

Though Matt entered his home a more stable man than the one who?d rushed out of the Outback, he still looked and felt agitated. Whether Candy had directly prodded FireStar into testing his resolve or whether the red Opal had done so of its own accord mattered. But it wasn?t something he could afford to investigate in the heat of the moment. Here, home, away from FireStar?s manipulations, he felt safer but no less worried.

?Damned liontaur,? served as his greeting for Koyliak. ?Thia asleep??

Koy nodded, sensing her husband?s tension. ?Everythin? all right??

Matt shrugged, brushing past her. He returned less than a minute later, having gone into Thia?s room to kiss her and refluff her blankets. MoonBeryl, at least, wasn?t constantly jabbing him like a thousand needle pricks upon his skin. For now, at least, he could relax in his own home. He dropped his guard ever so slightly; IceDancer did not take advantage.

Koy felt the chill in her husband?s movements even without the more obvious indications of IceDancer?s presence. If it?s not one, it?s the other, she thought glumly to MoonBeryl.

Perhaps you would miss the excitement if you did not have one of my siblings to blame for your Matthew?s mood swings.

She guided Matt to sit on his favorite chair in the living room, Da?chair as Thia had named it in her earliest days of speech. He obliged, sinking into the stuffed cushions, but did not lose the aggravated expression he wore.

Tha?s harsh, even fer ye. She rebuked the Opal and sighed looking at Matt. ?Let me go make ye a plate, hopefully yer stomach?s not terribly irritated after havin? ta listen ta and swallow wha tha delusional cat was screechin? on ?bout.? Matt stayed seated but gave no sign elsewise that he was paying attention to what she said.

Alone in the kitchen, Koy pulled a plate out of a cabinet and set it down on the countertop. She took a deep breath. ?It?s better than the alternative.? This statement was not meant for MoonBeryl. She was reminding herself. She could withstand many things but the needs of the people she cared about lately were wearing her down. She felt like they were all one by one peeling small strips off of her until a single raw nerve would be all that was left. Maybe, with enough time, that too would be gone. She would be living ashes, having given too much in too many directions because she did not want to see them suffer, did not want to disappoint them. Normally there was some balance to her crises - had she been torn between Stick and Harris but with Matt to help anchor her like he often did, she could bear that weight. But he could not offer that aid now. It was her turn to keep him from sinking down beneath reality?s surface.

?It?s better than the alternative.? MoonBeryl repeated it for Koy now in the very kitchen where she had spent so many evenings alone, praying for Matt?s return. They both knew how far she could fall without him. MoonBeryl helped hold her together with small sparks of surprising hope until Matt found his way back.

?He ?lways comes back home,? she exhaled his half of the vow they had made years before they walked down the aisle. She made him a ham and cheese sandwich and finished the promise. ?And I?ll ?lways have a home fer ?em ta come back ta.?

She believed these words. They fed her faith. But she wished in that moment that she didn?t have to speak both their parts.