My sweet Lirisa,

Your sister is bigger than you now though you should be the elder. When I feel guilty about all the life that she will have, experiences stolen from you, I can?t comfort myself by saying ?Lirisa would not wish it so.? How can I know what you would have wished when you were not old enough to form a full sentence?

Sometimes I think it strange that I should mourn you for eleven years now when you only breathed for one. Is there a time limit? I can?t fathom a day where I wouldn?t ache for you and yet every year around your birthday I find no one understands why I cloak myself in grief. Maybe it is that my grief is too visceral and not tempered or softened by the years. It colors me in grey. Even if it could I wouldn?t ask for time to erase the pain I feel whenever you pop up in my thoughts. That pain is one of the few things I have left to know you were real. You were real. You are real. I carried you in my belly and held you in my arms.

I do believe you would have loved your sister. I see you in Thia?s laugh. Her whole face crumples when she laughs. She has your dimples.

Perhaps one day when she is older Thia will come to envy you. She has life and a future but you had me whole. More whole than I am now at least. I never thought to try and keep a distance from you. Not that I succeed at doing that with Thia but sometimes I want to try. I hope there will never be a day where I do succeed.

That?s the catch. I fail her and I fail you. If I love her too much will you feel I?ve forgotten you?

Achor ama ziallar tema.

My Dear Mama,

When my life feels full, pregnant with promise, I still worry. Will I ever stop looking over my shoulder or straight ahead for the thing that will pop this earthly paradise? My life is so beautiful - will I ever let myself enjoy it without fear?

Last night when I went to lie down in our room at the Outback I thought about how far we've come and what very real struggles we've survived. It's really Matt's room that he shares with me. Laying there reminded me of how many nights I stared at the ceiling praying for him to reappear safe and sound from that disastrous mission. If he would just come back I would be perfect. It would be enough.

It is more than enough, this life that he's given me. I think that's part of my problem. All these blessings, I worry how to keep them safe. I am a hoarder of happiness. And that's on my best days.

When he came in last night to get me I remembered being in that very room the night he found his way back to RhyDin. Back to RhyDin and back to me. He did the impossible. My impossible dream. He came back and I called him ghost. It must have hurt him to have to deliver himself out of those fresh hells only to be forced to prove himself further to make me see his love is real. It was unintentionally cruel of me to take so long to believe. Was I always so slow to learn, Mama? If it takes the rest of my days I'll try to make it up to him. Let's hope he thinks it was worth such a heroic effort.

Those nights up in his room, before Thia, before our marriage, it was not just my Gods I prayed to. If I'm truly honest, I prayed that what MoonBeryl shared with me, what ShadoWeaver believed about Matt was true. I hated that she might care about whether or not he lived but I yearned for her conviction.

I can't stop thinking that we're all connected still, my precious paradise of people and those ugly blighted rocks. It's why I went to lie down in the first place. I can't sleep at night. My dreams are twisted and suffocating again, as vivid as when I carried Thia.

Am I as crazy as some say or do my dreams know something I don't?

Koy did not need to answer him. He spoke the truth and they both knew it but she had other questions. ?Wha is it ta ye now though? Yer sister rests not with us.?

?My sister does not, you are correct.? MoonBeryl left the familiar bait out for her to discover on her own.

It did not take long for her to bite. ?This can?t be ?bout yer brother, can it?? She smirked. He could feel the smugness he had counted on appearing. Koy was nothing if not predictable. She clung so eagerly to any possibility that she could have an upperhand on him. ?Seems I?m not the only one with fears tha die hard, eh??

?And yet you mock me so. Forgive me for not being more wounded, Koyliak.?

?So I?m jest a way ta stick it ta ?em??

?It does give me some pleasure in this pitiful existence I am forced to lead here, yes.?

Koy paused. ?Ye?re ?wfully frank today.? She used to have to all but trick him into revealing a glimmer of truth in his tales. The ease with which the information came returned her to a wary state.

MoonBeryl sensed her apprehension. Perhaps he was rustier than he thought when it came to manipulating the elf. ?It is for your sake that I speak plainly.?

She rolled her eyes. ?Tha?s a lame way ta try and insult me fer bein? dumb, even fer ye.?

?I do not mean it as an insult right now. You are twisted and tied, are you not? The thing you lack most is clarity.?

He hit the nail on the head and she hated him for it. There were few who would ever know her so wholly and thoroughly as the Opal did because she could not hide herself from him. ?All right.? It was the smallest acquiescence she could give.

A door banged shut followed by small feet tearing their way upstairs. ?Mom! Momma! Momma!? The childish voice announced Thia before she bursted into the room. The front strands of her hair had already come loose from the braid Koy wove the curls into only a short time earlier.

?I?m here, bee, catch yer breath.? Koy smiled at her daughter while trying to shove MoonBeryl out of her mind.

?Momma look what I?m makin? with Suze today!? Thia waved a piece of paper proudly in Koy?s face. Koy stopped worrying about the Opal and concentrated on keeping the smile on her face despite the icy pit appearing in her stomach as she studied the drawing. ?Do you like it??

?Oh? it?s beautiful, bee.? Koy forced the horror from her face. ?Is this ye?? She pulled Thia gently onto her lap and held the picture out in front of them so they could look at it together. Koy pointed to the small bird with the scribbled face that Koy recognized from her daughter?s other drawings.

?Yeah! I?m flyin? and this is you. You?re stuck, Momma.? Thia?s little finger pointed out her mother with black circles drawn around her stick figure body.

Koy swallowed. ?Why am I stuck?? But she knew the answer.

?You tripped and fell in the spider webby. See? Here.? Thia?s finger trailed from the black circles to the small two black ovals with yellow eyes and more than eight squiggled legs. ?There?s the spider.?

?Havin? all those arms would be handy fer huggin??? Koy took hold of herself and wrapped her own two arms tightly around her daughter and attacked her with a flurry of kisses to her head. Thia squealed and squirmed in delight.

?Momma! So many squeezes, Momma!? She continued to giggle, distracted from the drawing.

?Ye know I can?t help it.? Koy let up her attack.

??Cause of the magnets?? Thia knew this explanation well.

?Aye, ye know I?ve got magnets in my lips tha get stuck ta ye.? Koy kissed the child again and set her back down on carpet.

?Stickies?? Thia held out her hand and smiled hopefully up at her mother.

Koy opened a drawer in the vanity and pulled out glittery purple stickers shaped like stars and hearts. Thia happily grabbed for them.

?Go stick yer drawin? in yer art book and we?ll show yer father when he gets home.?

Thia clutched the picture and the stickers in her tiny fists and tore back out into the hallway to find her book.

?Your daughter scares you?? MoonBeryl showed enough respect to wait until Thia left to pull Koy?s attention back to their conversation.

?I?ve seen tha scene ?fore in my own dreams.? Koy felt so distraught she forgot to play her cards close to the vest. The wren, the spider, and the web that caught her had been a vivid enough nightmare during Koy?s pregnancy that she could still see it now as clearly as ever.

?Coincidence maybe?? His voice took on that deep timbre that offered a certain security to Koy when she heard it in her mind.

?Iffn we?re bein? frank?,? she felt guilty even voicing her thoughts and felt relief again at being able to tell someone. She did not care about how he judged her. ?Sometimes, when my daughter looks me in the eyes, I do not ?lways see her there. It?s somethin? else, somethin? tha can gaze right through ta the core of me. It frightens me. But then she?s there ?gain in a blink??

?Leaving you to wonder about your sanity. That does explain what has you carrying an extra layer of distress.?

?Aye.? It felt so good to confide her deepest fears she dared not share out loud with anyone, even her husband, for fear of what they would think of her. What mother looked at her own child in such a manner?

?All the more reason for us to reunite. We both sense something on the horizon. Let us be prepared. Much as I hate to admit it, at least with you I know you will leave me be to do what I feel is right. I need the space to concentrate, to stay alert. You may not be the smartest ally I could choose, Koyliak, but at least you have good sense to leave me be. Now is the time.?

?Thankee fer the vote of confidence then.?

?Now is not the time for easily injured feelings to rule. Tell me I am wrong and I will go.?

Koy wanted to tell him he was wrong but she could not bring herself to do it. She had her fears about Thia, her fears about what the other Opals, both ShadoWeaver and now IceDancer, might do to her husband, and she could feel an overall change in the air. Something was brewing. MoonBeryl was right. Had she not just seen Harris unable to remain in solid form long enough for a hug hello? She knew he understood the Opals better than most and even he could not keep PathFinder?s powers from interfering.

?Wha would ye have me do?? Koy gave in to the yellow stone?s reasoning.

?Come claim me.?

?And iffn I fail ta win??

She heard him scoff at her question. ?Does it look like your worries are going anywhere quickly? If you fail, try again until you succeed.?

Koy thought about how she could possibly explain her active attempt to claim an Opal when she spent so much breath maligning them to anyone who would listen.

?Let them judge you, Koyliak. Do not hold such pride in the face of keeping your family safe.?

She sighed and gave a more resolute nod. She picked up the pen from her vanity and went to pen a different note than the ones she sent off in her prayer boats.

?Let ?em judge me.?

January 28, 2013

Koy stared at her reflection in the mirror. The Aldamiras eyes critically viewed every inch of her structured black sleeveless dress and reviewed every strand of auburn hair pulled back tightly against her scalp.

?Whatever you are looking for, child, I do not think you will find it there.? MoonBeryl?s intruding voice did not startle her. It infuriated her because she felt the same delicious comfort she always did from its slow-honey spread across her mind.

Koy squinted at her reflection and frowned as if she could actually see the yellow Opal in it. ?Is it not ?nough tha I?m comin? fer ye soon? Spare me the potential pep talk.?

?Are you sure that is what you are doing, coming for me??

?Ye know tha I am.?

?Literally, I suppose you are. You do plan on so graciously showing up to your challenge. But you forget how keen my sight is, Koyliak.?

?Ye?re goin? ta start with the riddles when we both know ye don?t have actual eyes fer seein??? With so many years of history between them, the paths their conversations took were often well-paved, familiar and maddening for Koy in their circular nature.

The frustration was mutual. If MoonBeryl did not wield such impressive control over his emotions, if they could be called that for a stone, his anger would have made itself heard. ?Your heart can not hide from me, nor can your will. You lack conviction in your purpose tonight.?

She paused in adjusting the rigid shoulders of her dress and frowned again at the mirror. They both knew he was right though Koy was too stubborn to willingly concede the point. ?Don?t tell me yer feelin?s are hurt ?cause I?m not jumpin? fer joy at the prospect of bein? with ye ?gain.?

?You know better. I am disappointed. You made a decision that we both know is needed. Call it a necessary evil if you must to soothe your conscience, but if you have set yourself on this course then I will not see you come for me with such a wavering determination.?

?Tha?s a lot of words fer a lil sentiment. Ye want me ta be enthused ?bout a dire situation.?

?Must you always be so dramatic?? He did not succeed at completely hiding his own exasperation.

?Iffn it wasn?t a high stakes matter ye know I wouldn?t bother with ye.?

Keep telling yourself that, liar. MoonBeryl silently brushed off Koy?s assertion. ?Fine. Make up your mind when you are in the ring. Better yet, take all the time you want to dissect whether or not you made the right choice when you lose. Because you will lose if you waver in your choice. Personally, I have no interest in listening to you bemoan your decisions for another month while you wait to try and claim me again having realized your mistake.?

The frown set further into Koy?s face. ?Mebbe it makes me jest as bad ta be so dependent?? This time she spoke to the elf staring back at her rather than the stone. MoonBeryl wondered if he had finally pushed too far with the wrong tactic. He would try another approach.

?Do me no favors. If you want to keep me close then resign yourself to the truth that you want this for whatever reason you like. But without resolve, you will fail tonight and it will be of no concern to me. I will find my spite and solace elsewhere.?

Koy shut him out as best she could. She had taken such care with her appearance because it was the only armor afforded to her. If she pretended she felt as strong as she looked, maybe the rest of her would follow suit. Painting her lips with a dramatic slash of bold red lipstick she only heard the last of what the Opal chose to say to her.

?Surrender yourself, Koyliak. You can do more once you give up this charade that you have any control.?