Topic: The wolves of Moon Mother

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-16 23:45 EST
I never heard the stories my mother told in quiet voice and calm way. I never curled in her lap as she stroked back my hair and whispered the stories till I would dream of them. Still I heard the stories, and as I aged I began to understand them and their script was poetry in my thoughts. I waited for the nights I would hear them again in my head, tendrils of scrawling ink that would fill my mind to the brim. The stories painted themselves to life and in those nights I felt safe. I felt warm. I felt the intertwine of the dreams to the one I dreamed of as if he were my own.

The stories with the visions were always the sweetest to bring me comfort in the coldest of nights. There in the darkest nights when the moon knew not its shine I felt the presence of the one I searched for
in the path of spirits and sometimes would find. Always to know him until the sun rose. It was then the one I searched for was nothing more then a mirage, another story on my tongue never to be spoken.

They had planned on doing whatever they could to keep me from
searching. Upon my sixteenth birthday the clarity and the sight had struck me, taking me over more then the medicine ever could. They had started to realize that even with taking me from my mother that I would still know the stories.

They were within me, those wolves of the Moon Mother. The Moon Mother and the wolves would remain with me through the light and the dark. I no longer dreamed of them, now I searched for them. I found after the sixteenth year of my life that there was something in me they feared.

They sought to control me, to take all I ever knew and silence my mind. The picks that sought my temples to make me as their own had missed and had blinded me. The Order though was not fond of confessing to mistakes, they made up the excuse. Always an excuse to soothe the
Head of the Order and keep him content to know that his little patchwork girl, his Beauty was still his. That there were no beasts that would claim her, his Beauty.

Who would want the Beauty once she had been blinded, that was his theory no matter how much they sought to use me. I still did not know why they chose to use me, what purpose I had, what made me so significant in comparison to the rest.

The wolves of the Moon Mother were mine to know and mine alone. The alpha male possessed the strongest howl in the night where bells would chime and angels found wings. There was a grace in the way of the stories, how one could find feathers amongst those that traveled with four feet under.

I dreamed still of wolves that were not wolves and the soft sanctuary of the Moon Mother's wishes. Wishes. Once I had spoken of wishes to the one they saw as their forged Pandora...their sacred Eve and she had smiled and told me another story.

Now there was nothing more then words to hear and the stories to remember for my eyes would never see again the scrolling penmanship I had knew once so well.

It would not stop the dreams, nor the visions as nothing would stop me from seeing what I needed to see to know again. To know what I had lost. I did not need to see to know what I was meant to love. To know was to go without sight.

I accepted their punishment and torment without remorse. I knew well of the salvation to come if I was willing to be patient. To be rewarded in the
blessings of finding once again the wolves of the Moon Mother.

I waited, walking free now within their surveillance but still now able to walk freely without sight and yet possessing more sight then ever I could imagine.

They would come for me. After all I was nothing more then bait to them.
Nothing more then bait to lure the weaker heart of man or what would come to pass in order to bring forth the heroes.

Still I was awakening, holding on to the small secret I possessed of the power awakening within... a gift to share with the world.

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-18 08:53 EST
The night stretched out long and lean claiming in black murder and loss. Without stars there was a sense of desolation before the fog rolled in and the mist shushed and soothed the quiet panic. There was a reflection and comfort in that which could never be seen through. The mist fell thick, a cool blanket to ease the fever in my skin.

I didn't need the sight to know of the snow, to taste the cold nothingness upon my tongue dissolving till it no longer was known. Would this have been a moment that my mother would speak another story? Would she have drawn me inside with words filled with worry for my well being or would she leave me there in the cold to learn how to survive.

Those wolves are roaming tonight even without the guidance of the Moon Mother. I can sense them now moving as steel to cut through the fog. Well oiled machines, trained to fight and survive.

There hidden would they watch on and I could feel them still. The alpha in watch would guide the pack with a fierce observation, waiting for the right moment to strike. For now they bled dark patches of color and fur to melt and meld with the snow and shadows.

It was easy to know they would come for me. The alpha's bold approach always to be felt more then seen. The roses had been gathered in my hands, the bold crimson of the blooms a bloody kiss to the dark and pale known. In fistfuls I tore the petals from possessive hold of the stems keeping them trapped. I freed them to the night, leaving them to be carried on the wind, knowing well the gesture was a token of welcome or perhaps it was farewell...

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-19 09:44 EST
My touch has become a painful reminder of the differences born within. There were stories to be told and yet the night hours plagued me into silence. The imprint of a man rested against my fingertips, the memory yet to have faded. Still the confession did not leave me to be hailed as warning. The night possessed teeth and a hunger. Such a hunger.

The steps outside of the civil, the boundaries I had crossed over with the plague of guilt weighing heavy on my heart. I should leave this place to free myself from the harm I would likely bring to warriors, to keep me from leading the hunters right to the wolves. The wolves would understand and they never judged.

With a warrior gone again I would know the night and the forest. The hushed way of this place was where I found comfort. There was a kinship here.

Almost forgotten rested the letter in my hands. The worn edges and faded script revealed its age. It would not go unread for I had read it a thousand times over before I no longer could see, and every time it brought tears to my eyes. In so many words it pressed me to give up hope and to give in. To come home.

Home. A name not suiting of my vision of what should be viewed as home. There is terror in the night when I remember those times. Boerath feared to take me on the hunt for what I might hear. Did he even know that the screams of the girls kept in the room beside me when they were tortured, maimed, and taken of their virtue were far worse then the death cries of the wild. Still I know if taken to the hunt at that death cry of the wild, I still would cry. I still would cover my ears and wish it to silence and peace again.

I was sorry every time I heard the sound. It was unbearable not to apologize. Gasping out a held breath I felt the rain drip down my skin and I rose my face to the sky to leave the rain to meld and wash away the tears. Distantly I was aware of the shake of my hands as I tore the letter to shreds and littered the forest bed with wet white.

I would leave this place to disappear deeper into the forest, only still to realize that no matter what I did those words would remain with me. Ink scrawling a eulogy to my heart, an epitaph to my soul...

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-21 12:35 EST
I should have carried my spirit like metal, worn my shields as steel, my heart I should have left enrobed in iron. Still I carried on the dance. My steps were bittersweet and longing. I took to the night bare foot and uncertain, losing myself to a maze of shadows and light. The forest was quiet for me, leaving the Beauty to find my way without stumble, without fail. A yearning for the dance in the clearing.I missed the dance. The sing of a song in energy waves through my veins.

The music filled and swelled to chase away the demons that haunted when the wolves were not there to guide me and the Moon Mother was not so bright. Head thrown back, fingertips at my chest to find the beat of my heart once more. I danced. I didn't need to see to know if I possessed an audience it would all be how it was once before. Transfixed and captivated.

Nothing more then the sensation of losing myself, to the sensation of being lost in the only way I wished. Sepia curls flowed about me, a halo of off color diluted and my fingers stretched for stars and sky. Sometimes I dreamed of feathers on the breeze and fur against my side.

The brush of fur rough and coarse but still soft to the touch, a worn pelt seemed far too real. Fantasy brought to life. Blind eyes fell from the sky worship, fingers curling the pelt there. The dream lived on born again within.

Still the softness of pelt gave way to form flesh leaving nothing more then the smooth muscled back of a man. My fingers found a shoulder blade and in the dark distance of a forest labyrinth I heard a shot crack out. Spooked as a doe on the hunt I ran. I thought it had begun to rain only to find that I was tasting nothing more then tears spilled. I cried for him. I cried for us both. I cried for something never found and the cry of anguish was a sound to join the howls of the wolves as they shielded the nightmares from my mind.

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-23 22:46 EST
Nothing should matter as much as this, the night, the feel of it around me. What I am unable to see I can feel and that in itself is an exquisite torment. I have been working on the dress every night and even now I wonder why I take this time, make this effort. I am fixed on the wish, the desire to make an impression even if I will never see an expression. I will never know if my work was for nothing or if it all matters.

The wolves are getting restless. I can feel them pacing in the shadows and as I wait for them here I can feel nothing more then lonely. I wish they would come for me. I feel like the wolves would take me home. Take me to one I wait for. A stranger to my life and yet the dreams make him to seem real, to make him seem known to me.

These unspoken things that I think of, my thoughts are burdened by them even as they bring me such relief. Believing in the wolves makes me not feel so alone.

As alone as I am.

Maybe it was never this way, perhaps it always has been. I am conflicted as I ache to linger with the positive and cling to those fragile threads of hope.

They are not even as strong as I would wish them to be. I wish I was seen...

To be seen would mean that maybe, just maybe, I could see for myself. Is it the foolish whim of a woman to wish to go to a ball that she cannot even see? Still there is the music to hear, the soft touches, the words and laughter that would linger around them. Perhaps I will remain the flower to the wall, the petals of my soul turning towards the sun rays of joy that they all offer in their happy moments.

I know I am not one to be claimed as princess. Even the claim of me as Beauty seems foreign and foolish. Will it matter in the end?

I have put everything into this moment. My heart, my spirit, my mind in the hopes that things will change and that the wolves will come again...

I fear as the days grow closer to the ball that once again I will find disappointment.

I fear they will come for me again... those I wish never to see, touch, or know.

They terrify me.

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-04-30 06:46 EST
I dreamt of them again. I dreamed of the wolves ever guarded by the Moon Mother. Yet these dreams were different. The dreams I had in these nights held the warrior within them. Boerath. It was strange to imagine him to be a sudden dominant presence within the dream when I never saw his face. That perhaps is the one thing that disturbs me the most? I never see them. I will never know their face even by the touch.

The dreams carried me deeper into the glen, lost within the forest I traveled in ways as if I wished not to return. I could tell with the sounds around me that the preparations were being made. The quiet peace of the wild had awakened to something forged of passion and heat. It was a place and sensation that I seemed to only understand within my dreams and within the memories.

Only when I dreamed and only when I danced did I understand the nature of passion? the will of desire. Even still I did not believe that since the Head of the Order took my sight, even by proxy of error, I did not believe in the possibility to find myself desirable.

I knew their whispers well of the soiled goods and tarnished beauty. The pet that had been abandoned when they took me from the leash and set me to the wilds was how I was seen by the Order. No more then a dog.

Perhaps they knew more of my own existence then ever I truly would. I did not belong here. How could I ever express to Boerath that I was one meant of the wild, not of this life and world that I wished to know. I was so torn.

There was a feeling that haunted and tortured me. It hunted my spirit as the howl of the wolves went faint and quiet. Even the Alpha was silent tonight but I felt his restlessness like the restless way of my own soul. We both were waiting.

In the dream I carried myself through the night and the shadow thick of the forest with a raw confidence. The silver dress I had made and the masquerade moon mask purchased I wore that night. My flesh exposed to the moonlight where the silk would not touch and the marks I carried of the feathers of the fallen and the path of the wolves left visible.

Here I waited in the clearing dressed as much as the child born of the moon mother fashioned in silver silk and moon lace. I was nothing more then the follower of the wolves who never would be true wolves. I was left to know only the warriors in the night that never would I see and yet the feelings remained.

Why I had to wonder when I awakened to the sun in that forest clearing would I dream not of wolves but of the men that seemed as wolves forged of steel? ever in disguise. In my dreams we all wore masks.

Pieces of Beauty

Date: 2011-05-14 19:54 EST
I am starting to believe they all have left me behind. If they had left a letter or said their farewells would I even know? Is it possible that everything I knew has failed me and betrayed me much as the life known before. Perhaps it was my story that left them to leave. I would not blame them for the choice made.

Who could blame the Warriors for the way they would carry on and endure. They would be the survivors and no matter how I struggled on to exist in this self claimed freedom I felt like night after night I died a little more.

My spirit is failing me, it fell away with my willingness come the end of Beltane and the Masquerade. Without the mask I was raw and vulnerable, exposed and broken. This may be the reason as to why I found myself blinded. Is it possible this all was not a mistake but instead... fate's decision from saving me for so much more.

I hate that I miss them. Those warriors that remind me so much of the wolves of steel. They are the only that I have known, Boerath and Leo. I am ashamed that I asked for so much from them.

Did I ask too much... I wish I knew... I wish for so much more that I know is not mine to ask.

The Order was right.

I am meant for nothing more then this moment, this time, this existence.

I am as they expected me to be. Alone. I don't blame the warriors... I miss them so.