July 12th, 2015


Things are worse than I suspected with Taneth. I don?t know why I didn?t have the foresight to realise that this would all go wrong if I became involved, but inevitably it did. I feel compelled to fix it, and thought Crispin would feel equally eager to see things set to rights, but I suspect he?d rather bury his head and wait for it all to blow over. Worse yet, Taneth herself shows no urgency to be whole again, and if anything she?s avoiding the subject entirely when we try and discuss it with her. I?d hoped at least Glory would be pro-active, but she seems almost as reticent as Taneth about the issue. All I have been able to find out for certain is that she came up too soon, and that it was of her own accord. That she left parts of her behind on purpose.

Of course she won?t tell us why. Left to theorise, Crispin and I are hoping it?s an error on her part. That she didn?t realise how difficult it would be to rectify things, and that she acted out of fear. When the alternative is Taneth deliberately tricking us, I?m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

We?ve discussed our options, and have decided to seek out Pharlen at Benjamin?s suggestion. I have a back-up plan thanks to Lexius, but I?m hoping to get as few people involved as possible. Surely we?re due for a little luck now, and if that?s the case, chronomancy may help strengthen Taneth and hasten the healing I hope it still going on below ground. It?s laughable how much of this plan is relying on ?hope?.

Ivanya found me when I was visiting with Eorlund in the marketplace last week, and told me Svana has managed to work her way past all but one of Aela?s wards. The ben kista we found was shored up with them more diligently than a dragon?s hoard or a goblin?s bank vault, and with each one she managed to subdue, the more powerful the feeling of wrongness came bubbling up. Not that I can feel it, but the Alfar are so damned sensitive to these things that they?ve had to relocate the ben kista off the property, and Svana, Thina and Sven have to ritualistically cleanse themselves whenever they handle it, or risk bringing those same feelings back to the settlement they share with Bjorn?s followers.

I?d rather stay clear of it, but Ivanya requested I be there when they break the final ward, to help handle whatever it might contain. If the bitch that owned it really was messing around with dark arts, they?ve none amongst them with any experience in combatting them. Evander (should he choose to join us and brave the ego war going on between Fox and Ghita) might be able to help, thanks to his experiences in Niamh?s company, but even so, we face risks.

I?ve decided to approach it by preparing a space outside of the settlement, surrounding it with wards like those I use at home, and between us all, we should be able to fathom some sort of containment, depending on the help we get from the pristes amongst Bjorn?s people.

If Belgrund?s tongue really is tucked away in that thing, we?ll burn it like we did the rest of him, and hope he finds his voice again in the afterlife. I?m not sure Vadriel will consent to come away from his current work to officiate over another meeting, but it?d be interesting to hear what the Guardsman discovered during his time as Aela?s lover.

I managed to finish my translation of the Grigorian text I owed to Lexius last week, though I still haven?t examined the maps he gave me for them. Instead, I seem to have entered into another trade with him, though it took some negotiation. It was brought to light that my thoughts are readily apparent, and concerned about the potential for spilt secrets, I asked Lexius if he could teach me how to seal my mind from any potential trespassers. Without permitting him a measure of entry however, he claims he cannot teach me. As such, I?m stuck wearing that God damned hipster beanie hat I stole from Evander years ago, which was enchanted to keep Franz from fucking up any more grey matter. It looks better on Evander than it does on me, but some people would probably think I look better with hat-hair than the way I usually keep it. I swear, if one more woman threatens me with a comb?

But I digress. Lexius and I settled for another trade. He teaches me to effectively dual wield (his preferred form of combat ? outside of preternatural talents one would assume) and I teach him necromancy, or at least what I?ve been able to learn of it in the last decade or so. He?s already made good on starting his side of the bargain, though it was cut short due to trouble at the Temple. Now and then we talk without resorting to trades, though I?m well aware he?s tough work to pry answers from. It?s not an entirely unpleasant way to get to know a person though, and he seems to tolerate me well enough. Maybe the trust will develop in time, and I won?t have to wear the damn hat.

Ivanya saw him in passing. Told me Valdris had picked up on something strange about those beads he always carries with him, though when I questioned Lexius about them he was more interested in finding out about Valdris than he was in giving me straight answers. Hell if I know why the old wolf should notice beads of all things, but I intend to find out eventually.

- M

August 13th, 2015

It took some persuasion, but I?ve managed to get Kai settled in the cabin by the coast. I couldn?t send her to the Warren, not knowing the nature of its denizens, and the bolthole I have at the docks is in a bad part of the neighbourhood. Small as she is, they?d make a victim of her the minute she moved in. The cabin is further than I?d like, but it?s safe, and with Rufus she can make the trip there and back without wasting a half day walking.

It was strange seeing the place again. I?ve no impulse to visit any more than I feel driven to wander by Willows Walk these days. I feel my mistakes too keenly to be able to recall the memories that made those places meaningful. I told Kai she could plant an herb garden, do whatever she wanted with the cabin. I?m considering just letting her have the place if she likes it well enough, but in the meantime there?s her arm to get fixed.

I?m not sure how reputable a place she found, but the process is underway. In Rhy?Din, you can get anything fixed. You just have to convince yourself it?s not wrong to do it in the first place.

The past couple of weeks have been busy. Between Leif and Asger coming back from their roaming for a brief visit (Ivanya was so damned happy, and even Valdris seemed pleased at Ethnir?s return) and the looming harvest, the lands the Alfar are sharing with Bjorn?s people never seem to sleep. I thought the brief revelry might help to ease some tensions, but Faendal tells me there?s constant unease amongst the remains of the Christos Clan and Fox?s followers. Dianthe and Hector aren?t getting the recognition they deserve, and with Ivanya and Bjorn choosing to stay out of the politics, there?s no force powerful enough to settle any real pecking order.

Evander hates it. I can tell he resents the newcomers, that he?s always fighting the urge to settle things with violence, but with the laws they?ve set for themselves promising harsh judgement for killings, he?s stuck with no outlet. Diplomacy was never his strong suit. I feel like there?s going to be some point at which he snaps; the Devourer blood holds strong sway over his nature, and it?s easy to see why the Antony family were so feared by the rest of Vhamere.

If he goes and kills someone and they try to lock him up, I?m breaking him out. I?m not a part of their laws. Screw laws.

My time hasn?t been spent entirely playing volunteer farmer though. In fact since I last wrote here, I?ve frequently spent time with Lexius, both in training to learn dual wielding and simply coming to know him.

After I last wrote here, he took me out into the desert where I met with a nomadic tribe called the Samahar, and another of his students, a young man (at least I assume he was young because he seemed to be the ?gets excited and talks too much? type). Samiel would have loved it out there, I have no doubt, and it felt strange recalling the lessons he gave me whilst travelling the Dry. What to look for to identify dangers buried in the sands. The rocks that might be playing den to snakes and scorpions.
These places will never be home to me the way forests and wilderness of the fertile kind will be, but there?s no denying they can be breath-taking.

But I digress. He hadn?t taken me out there sightseeing, he meant for me to interrogate the remains of a Githyanki warrior, these people who live in the Astral plane and shouldn?t have been anywhere near the training grounds where the tribe found him. From a professional point of view it was a unique experience. The Gith have a method of binding their souls to items they carry so that when they die, they can body-hop into whoever discovers them. It?s a method I?ve seen mention of in a few texts, but it has me wondering whether there?s any room for adapting it for my own purposes.

I was able to pick apart the Gith?s last memories and learn he?d gone out there searching for a red dragon, but also that his brain had been turned to pulp when he?d died ? not at the hands of the dragon he?d been hunting, and not by the Savass ? the Samahar warriors ? who found him. No, it was this fucking thing called a Mindflayer, which we had to go hunting in order to give mercy killings to the Savass he?d snatched from outside the training grounds. I don?t mind rescue missions, but it?s tricky when the people you?re trying to help are trying to kill you, and Lexius is there telling me ?do this, don?t do that, you go in first and be bait?.

Not in those exact words but that?s how it went. I forgive him because the Mindflayer almost fucked my head up as surely as it had the Gith?s, and it?s made me more determined to find some way to protect my mind than ever. If Lexius hadn?t intervened, I wouldn?t be writing this.

It hasn?t always been rescue missions and training though. Now and then we talk. It?s a slow building trust, the imparting of scraps of history that aren?t always easy to speak of, and he?s told me far more than I ever thought to hear. In the Temple District one day, he asked me where I thought our interaction fell within my laws. I didn?t understand what he meant at the time, that he was asking me simply if we were friends. I didn?t catch the nuances of his words and thought he was asking after our bartering system of learning, and it wasn?t until he got all quiet on me and left that I realised something wasn?t right.

It took me days to realise what I?d done wrong, days and some drink of course, because I have my most brilliant moments, my epiphanies when I?m plastered. I fixed it, anyway, for the space of a couple of days at least.

He took me to a cave. Not just any, but a guarded dragon?s lair, and what I took for exploration ended up being something else entirely. I don?t know its whereabouts, and the things hidden there I won?t write of here, for the same reasons as ever. Suffice to say that he?d intended to study something in me he?d noticed, that his method required I lie on this damned, wrong-feeling table, and although I complied to a point, I was caught off guard when he took my clothes.

I don?t mean he physically stripped me down, I mean they were there one moment and fucking gone the next and I?ve rarely felt so cripplingly embarrassed. I?m sure ? and I mean I know because I?ve explained it to him since ? that at the time he hadn?t been expecting such a severe reaction. Or maybe any at all. For some people, nudity just isn?t a thing. I need my clothes. Need them. At the time I said nothing of the why, but demanded he bring them back and had him send me home.

I wish I could just laugh shit like that off. It would be so much easier than having to admit there?s some things in my head that just don?t work right. I decided when I saw him next I?d just brush it off like it was nothing, but we were at the inn, and I couldn?t just come out and say it there with people around. Every attempt ended up aborted.

It was the day after the inn that he came out to join me at the ritual spot I was prepping for Svana and Sven. I ended up telling him a whole lot more than I meant to, about the whole fucked up mystery with Amhinata, the dreams Aoife slipped into to unblock my amnesia, the stalking... I explained the clothes shit. He explained the necessary nudity. I still don?t like it, but he seems to think there?s something in me that?d benefit from being checked out.

The promontory for the ritual is ruined now. I need to find a new spot. Thankfully Svana isn?t in any rush, because Lexius wants me to go check out some new Grecian temple with him. I don?t know why, but the lack of reason is bugging me. I?m missing something, I know I am. I just haven?t figured out what.

- M

September 14th, 2015

There was some sort of gathering down at the docks last night. One of the Governor?s shindigs I don?t doubt, with all the ships strung up with lights and the revellers clad in dubious homages to pirates and seafarers of more respectable sorts. The crowd was immense, and for once I was glad of it. Despite my best efforts not to languish in self-pity over all that happened, and has happened since, I have felt such a loneliness without Evander to share my thoughts, my nights and my fears with, that even the questionable nearness of an anonymous crowd was preferable to staying home by myself.

It?s laughable really. Just a few short weeks ago, Lexius asked me ?Why do you choose to be alone?? And I told him of course, that I was not. Now I wonder if I?ve ever really spent any great time alone, whether I?ve become one of those dependent fuckers I?ve always frowned upon for being needy.

Some good came of being out. I met Eden there at the festival, looking as unprepared for the event as I was. Eden unchanging, her smile just as warming and her humour as reliably, endearingly juvenile. She asks me what I?ve been up to, as old friends do who haven?t seen each other for some time, and Christ, I didn?t know where to begin.

It would take hours to relate it all, the events of the weeks since I last wrote here. The bare bones will have to suffice.

A demon came to the livery yard where I was working one evening, angry and violent, but willing to be reasoned with. His anger was not aimed at me, but Lexius. The cause? Whisper. It seems he?d been looking for the man for some years, and now that we?d been charged with the task of ensuring his release, the demon meant to become involved. Sulphur was his name, and though I hate to admit it, his assistance during our travels was invaluable. Without him, we?d never have known Ares was bound between two planes, or that Whisper and the horn fragment we were given were necessities for unravelling the way to him.

We left that evening for Sigil, through a portal Jason was guarding for us, and met with a dwarven guide, an ill-tempered, grasping bastard who took us for na?ve newcomers. I was certainly that, and am not sure my limited acting skills convinced him otherwise. Lexius at least was familiar enough with the local argot to ensure we weren?t swindled. Grizzle, as it turned out, managed to get us down into Nidavellir where we knew to look for Whisper, but the runes we were using for guidance took us to old tunnels long blocked off. We insisted on examining them anyway, and were right to, but we near killed ourselves in the process when I woke a rock golem, the tunnel collapsed, and Lexius vanished under the cave in.

This first trap was of course a mere pre-cursor to what lay ahead of us. We?d made the error of using the rune keys incorrectly, and when we made the same mistake with the next tunnel, Grizzle?s fees suddenly became a non-issue. A gorgon guarded the next passage, and its breath turned his flesh to stone before Lexius could react to protect him. One party member down, we tasked ourselves with remedying our errors, knowing full well that the guardians were going to become more of a threat the further we went, and we had a long way to go.

I don?t mind caves. Hell I?ve always found them fascinating. It?s a little different when you know they?re full of things trying to kill you, that your continued existence relies upon fulfilling some task you never wanted in the first place, that ahead of you lie the Grey Wastes and you have to spend hours sat silent and alone on watch duty while your fellow explorer rests. It was all too much like the Yu?lahn?s caves out in the Weave, another place full of unwanted memories.

We did not reach Whisper, or Aiden as I know him now, unscathed. Our presence in the tunnels had drawn attention, and after an assault by a swarm of shadow beings, we were separated, confined to labyrinths and the traditional inhabitants of them. I?ve never killed a minotaur before, but that day I did, clumsily and with substantial injuries. Unsurprisingly Lexius fared far better with the one he?d slain, but the combined victories saw us free of our separation, and finally at the holding cell of the first of our objectives.

Aiden is, without a doubt, one of the most shameless bastards I?ve ever met. Freeing him was no simple matter, and until we managed to cut him loose it had seemed we might have to physically drag an invalid around with us. Perhaps there?s been some long-term mental damage, but his memory seemed patchy. He knew that Lexius should be familiar somehow, but when I mentioned Koyan to him he seemed to recall nothing but the fact he was desert born. His physical recovery at least was alarmingly quick, and without it, and another timely spot of interference by Sulphur, we?d probably never have made it from that jail cell. I won?t write the specifics here, but Aiden?s bloodlines are destined to cause us no end of trouble.

It was Aiden who played guide to us from there, leading us down the great tree Yggdrasil, past the guardian known as Garm and into Niffelheim and the Grey Wastes. I had been dreading them more than anything, even with the added protection of a trinket Lexius fashioned to aid me. A place that drains, which inflicts apathy, which preys on all those mental weaknesses and in short, it?s just what I didn?t need, still raw and pathetic over Evander.

I know for a fact I wouldn?t have survived them if not for Lexius. Twice he pulled me from hallucinations tailored to the fragile mental state I?d entered with. Once, he kept me from killing Aiden when the wastes made him appear to me as Evander so convincingly I could barely tell the difference. Poor bastard didn?t realise, saw only invitation ? I?ll give him his due, it?s not every man who?s willing to entertain anything carnal with a man covered in several days? worth of filth and blood when he?s only hours free of prolonged incarceration. He also weathered the reality of the situation with good humour after he realised the truth of the matter on the end of my fist.

Dire wolves and nightmares and hags there were, an adventure I?d have relished in other circumstances, but only wanted an end to as it stretched on. The obelisk tormented me with the worst of my fears, brought Evander and Samiel and Niamh to visit my mind as I lay unconscious and ineffectual, a victim to its trap. I?m not sure whether it was Lexius? pleading or the voices linked to that string of sandalwood he carries which succeeded in stirring the dregs of determination. Whoever, whatever it was, it worked, and from there it was a matter of minutes to Ares? prison, though Lexius would not agree to his freedom until he?d pledged us his protection from the rest of the pantheon.

Even with oaths in place, I don?t think the mess is finished. While the Grecians clash, the memory of us is still fresh in their heads, and so the pair of us are keeping a low profile as best we can, with Aiden committed to giving us updates whenever he?s able.

Would Eden even have believed it all if I?d sat her down on one of the piers and related the whole sorry mess?

I told her there had been minotaurs and gorgons, and made of it a small thing. She was more generous when she told me of the trouble she?d been having in assisting Koyan at Alvaka. I know now the cause for his return from Madrid, and that their troubles are far from over. I hadn?t known before that night that she was even acquainted with him, but all those old names tangle over the years. I would never have expected to count Lexius as amongst my confidants, and yet here he is, years later, invaluable to me.

I don?t recall what I told Eden that evening, whether I reminded her I would help, or asked her to remind Koyan he could call on me for assistance if need be. I?d like to think they simply both knew already, but time will tell. I haven?t seen the scruffy bastard for five years or more, and for some that?s plenty for old trusts to decay. I suspect Lexius would be more helpful than I, but the complexities there are many, and I wouldn?t dream of suggesting to either party that they convene.

Autumn is looming. I don?t think I?m ready.

- M

October 18th, 2015

Last I wrote here, Gem had come to visit and asked that I join her out at Quellarin following suspicions someone amongst her staff was plotting her death. In the few weeks since, not only were her suspicions proven correct, but the perpetrator turned out to be a fellow necromancer. I?ve a bad track record with others of my kind. This may not end well.

Things need to be ordered if they?re to make any sense though.

I joined Gem and Pharlen at Quellarin, and we went about our searches alone. There was plenty of evidence of ritual, runes and sacrifices and links to demonic as well as necromantic leanings, but all sloppily done. At that point I was almost disappointed that the culprit was likely to be some dabbler who?d just got lucky, but things took a more sinister turn when it became evident that the energy being stolen from Gem was being channelled to somewhere in the city, and to nothing living. I couldn?t interrupt it. Pharlen?s investigations turned up nothing better, proving that the grounds were being tapped too, likely due to their link to Gem.

Lexius knew of our intentions to investigate there since he?d been at Sanctuary when Gem came asking for help. His psionic talents had a culprit quickly identified amongst her household staff, but the woman in question didn?t live long enough for us to pry much in the way of answers from her, before a spell she cast conjured up an Ammit and all hell broke loose. It was enough for us to learn that the sewers needed investigating though, and that the woman was the victim of a seduction spell cast by an individual we only knew as the ?Scion? at that stage.

Lexius managed to slay the Ammit, though not without considerable toll. I?d never seen him struggle so much with a single opponent, and it didn?t bode well, to have creatures connected to the Egyptian pantheon being summoned to obstruct us so early. It was the first of many, naturally. Our resulting search in the sewers a week later uncovered a sect dedicated to the deity Sobek, and a survivor from amongst the human sacrifices put into Jason?s care provided a few more answers about our target; Jetrell, son of Terrel, the bitch from Gem?s world that she and I took up arms against over a decade ago.

I remember little of the woman herself save for her predilections. Virgin sacrifice, sexual perversions (at the time threatened upon both Gem and I) in an arena she ran, slaves, that sort of twisted shit. I don?t think Gem knew she?d been in league with Sobek, but it puts an unexpected spin on things now, and Aiden has been tasked with trying to infiltrate the reptile?s group of minions to get us information on his plans. Lexius and I are to meet with him soon in the tech sector, so fate willing, he?ll have news to share of his own pantheon while we?re there.

Of course there?s been more to life than mortal risks. My porch has become a repository for notes; Lexius leaves them on those days we don?t see one another, if not one of the stone-cut figurines he?s begun to decorate the porch railing with. Then of course there was the Stolichnaya.

Evander left it there, with a quote trapped beneath it. ?If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all of my life.? - Oscar Wilde. Only he?d put a line through the first part and I know damn well he means it.

I wish he hadn?t done it. I wish he?d let me bow out of things thinking those sentiments would fade, and that knowing he could survive after that bitch Niamh, he?d give himself the time he needs to heal from all she did to him and find someone else. Someone who?d tolerate that old flame no matter how long it burned. There are people who would suffer it for a man like him, if they could stomach his brutality. I never minded the strength of his hands. Only the fetters still unbroken around his heart, whether he denies them or not.

Knowing his interest still rests with me makes it difficult for me to consider possibilities with anyone else. I have turned down Aiden?s recurring advances, light-hearted though I suspect them to be, even though I?m pretty sure it?d be simple, no strings attached sex. I?ve considered taking the edge off the usual urges by visiting one of the cleaner brothels I know, but the truth is, I doubt any of them would tolerate my vices, and over the past three years they?ve been so generously accommodated by Evander I?m bracing myself for a future of disappointment between the sheets.

That makes it all the more bewildering to me that the one person I could currently see myself entertaining anything of that nature with, has none of my inclinations.

Lexius asked me plainly on one of his visits whether my inclination to cause pain extended to sex, and we ended up in a surprisingly frank conversation about preferences, history ? he asked me outright whether I?d ever been with Koyan. Perhaps he simply assumed, as others used to when the man and I used to hang out together frequently, that there was something more to it. I can still remember how furious Koyan would get if anyone so much as implied it, and involved as I was with Tanziel at the time it never bothered me that I wasn?t his type, or that such sharp disapproval might indicate he found the notion offensive because I was beneath him in some way. It takes imagination to see past my physical faults. Or a hard stomach.

I don?t, as I informed Lexius during that discussion, look at anyone in a sexual light if I?m already with someone. Nor have I since Evander until Lexius told me frankly that I was his type. Never mind the incompatibility in tastes, the fact that he?d never let me brutalise him. Never mind that he?s still inwardly fixated on what his flaws demand he must be.

I hadn?t looked at him before then. Never as more than a friend and tutor, someone I?d come to rely on, whose company I missed sharply those times he stayed away. But once he?d told me he?d felt possessive after Sinjin bit me, once the idea took root in my head, it was impossible not to wonder over what if?s. Not took look at him and imagine what the clothes hid, or to wonder how an elf?s bones might feel under my fingers. He is not lacking in desirable qualities, both physically and mentally, but his lack of tolerance for my habits make it an effort in futility.

It would be infinitely easier not to think of him at all that way if he?d keep his hands to himself. His contact is always discreet, a hand at my neck or spine, more recently my damn hair. There?s an unfairness to it, that I tolerate contact when once upon a time, it was he who denied even a well-meaning hand at his shoulder.

It concerns me that someone I have become so close to, so rapidly, holds sexual interest to me. There exists a tension between us now, and he distances himself from me more frequently when he?s lax in disguising his wants. Part of me is pleased. I?ve encouraged him to go and experiment with someone, to try and deny the faults he struggles with. Let it be another who becomes a replacement for Koyan. I don?t want to stumble into anything foolishly with someone I genuinely care for, just for sex. It wouldn?t be fair. Not with Evander still such a cruel temptation. Not when I couldn?t answer truly that I?m free of any yearning for him.

At one point, Lexius implied he should distance himself from our friendship because it would bother Koyan. Koyan, who finally appeared one evening at the inn in some ridiculous brewfest outfit, unchanged in appearance but for seeming to be hiding a tiredness behind his smiles and his usual unrepentant nature. It felt good to fall back into old habits with him, to laugh and torment. Why Lexius thinks he would care that the two of us are friends I don?t know, as he?s never made any protest about me socialising with others he?s been with. I tried to reassure him otherwise, found myself angry that he?d drop me so quickly, and though I managed to talk him around, I sense he remains unconvinced on the issue.

In other news, Salvador has contacted me to ask that I speak to Aoife about shadows. Letting him give her my number was probably a bad idea.

- M

There was a note on my porch. Not from Evander this time, but signed simply with a G, and whilst I do know someone who ends their missives this way, I hadn?t seen them for years and did not assume my first guess to be the right one. Sometimes I should put more faith in my hunches though. Gideon appeared two nights later as I was sat out on the porch prepping some doweling rods for fletching.

I?ve seen dead men fresh from torpor before, dazed, their minds not quite woken even if their bodies are moving with purpose. Usually that purpose is hunger. Resting for years underground might help immortals weather the centuries when sanity threatens to flee but the need to feed won?t wait forever, particularly not in those young ones who resort to torpor early for whatever reason. I wasn?t sure of Gideon to begin with. He seemed subtly unstable in ways that left me uneasy, and with our last memories of one another stained with violence, his reason for coming to me, a necromancer? well it seemed foolhardy for a dead man.

?Are you feeling particularly self-destructive?? I remember asking him that as he gifted me with alcohol on the lawn. He tells me ?Always?.

It would have been easy to be unkind to him that evening. In fact I was, on several occasions outright cruel as we spoke, but any real threat of violence faded early as we sized one another up. I was not in the mood for a fight. He hadn?t come looking for one. Verbal warnings were enough. He?d woken thinking of me and he wasn?t sure why beyond making things right. I mocked him for falling into old patterns, for being a fucking appalling vampire, for seeking me out because he wanted someone who?d be unkind. Masochistic tendencies. I?m not sure I met his expectations, as we sat there talking of what went on before. Of why I left him fearful and bound years ago, why I?d asked him to kill Aoife, and why he couldn?t now?

He offered. I think he?d love to peel her apart, but I warned him off it for Salvador?s sake.

He wanted to apologise for what happened after I released him, but in truth I never blamed him for that. Instincts, reflexes, I think vampires more than most are subject to acting on them, some animalistic part of their nature it would be idiotic to deny. Control comes with age and Gideon might have the bloodlines, but he?s still far too young on the grand scale. He?s not a bad person. I don?t mean just for a dead one, either. In fact there?s something terribly human in his flaws, and talking to him was no hardship. In fact it was easy, and even without the scotch his company wouldn?t have been unwelcome.

I needed it though. He wanted my blood, and if I was going to offer my wrist I needed the edge taking off. To keep myself from wanting to attack him outright when instincts demanded it. Needed not to be thinking about Evander, or Lexius and the friend he might be off ?experimenting? with. Needed it to remember that sending him back out running on empty might see a newly risen blood drinker go revenant and attack someone he wouldn?t otherwise. He confessed that happened before and to a friend.

I suppose it was foolish of me to agree to it and not consider he might not wait for me to roll up a sleeve, but he at least had the decency to fix the mess he made, and was polite enough not to ask anything unchaste of me even if I suspect he might have wished otherwise. We spent the rest of the night talking, and I let him stay the daylight hours, rather than find somewhere to dig a hole, and next evening he was gone, whether to return to where he slept, or to try and start fresh in the city I?m not sure. I haven?t seen him since.

Lexius appeared the following day, with the better part of a week gone by since I saw him at Deathame. I was expecting things to be uncomfortable, for him to inform me awkwardly that it?d been a slip-up, or for the event to go unmentioned as if it had never been, because that might be simpler. Instead the old easiness was there, and we took to bartering over the item?s we?d pilfered until a particular tome of necromancy was mentioned and the tone of the conversation shifted. He had it, I wanted it, and nothing I offered was considered a fair trade.

He asked me to offer something more personal. Reluctant to revert to old habits and play hooker for books instead of cash, I informed him anything we did would be unrelated. If he decided to give me the book afterward it was a gift. I mean let?s be fair, I was getting as much out of it as he was, even if I did break a few personal rules for the bastard.

I?m not sure it was particularly easy for either of us. There were points where the unfamiliar feel of him brought home the hard reminder that he was not Evander. At the same time, those flaws in Lexius were doing their damnedest to persuade him he shouldn?t be touching me at all.

No regrets though. Currently all that?s amiss is that it hasn?t happened again since.

November 25th, 2015

Shit got real with the Greek pantheon. Now I?m having to skulk about the city avoiding places I go on a daily basis because I know they have underlings out looking for me. I?ve sent the dogs off to Iberus for a while until things settle down, I?m staying away from the Alfar to avoid drawing attention their way, and visiting the Dragon via alternate routes, because even there I?m not safe from reprisal. I guess I really pissed people off. Assuming I?d be left alone once I?d played my part was a fool?s hope. Funny thing is, I haven?t been able to figure out what value I have to them, beyond being batted about to draw the other half out for a fight.

A couple of weeks back I met up with Aiden again at this bar in the Tech sector for an update. Turns out the opposition have a smith of particular talent who?s churning out superior nasties, and so they?re in need of some advanced technology in order to adequately fend off the offensive. He seemed in surprisingly good spirits about it all, but he?s been that way since we secured his release, so I?m not sure what it would take to knock him. Not sure whether he?s capable of taking shit seriously even if his life is directly threatened, and it often was when we were on the hunt for his boss.

Lexius didn?t come with me to meet him. Maybe he was content enough knowing I wasn?t going to be accepting his advances and figured I didn?t need a chaperone. Aiden took the opportunity to ask why I kept turning him down, and as a result I?m pretty sure he?ll leave me alone from now on. Unless Lexius comes along sometime and he fools around just to provoke a response.

Since then there?s been two attacks.

The first time I was on my way home from work in the Temple District and they tried to jump me in the street. Hephaestus? creations apparently, things furnace forged that looked like metal gargoyles. It was a capture attempt, rather than an effort to kill me, and my attempts to trick them into thinking I?d gone with a little shadow stepping proved unsuccessful. In the end I made a break for it through some women-only temple and the place got smashed up pretty badly as a result. I saw it mentioned in one of the local tabloids and to hear the priestesses speak you?d think I?d summoned the gargoyles up to attack them, not that I was trying to escape.

In the end I had to take a dive through a window, and wound up in a heap of pillows and floral-stinking oils after a twenty foot fall. That shit did not scrub off easily.

The second time was after I?d been stood talking with Koyan across from the Dragon. I?m not sure whether it was me or him they picked up on, since neither Lexius or I are positive he?s been tainted by the titan like I have. Either way, it was eagles and lightning bolts this time. I saw the storm clouds gathering overhead as I was leaving, heard the bird and thought if I got out of sight they?d move on. Instead Koyan and Rhys, his friend (and Eden?s I gather) became targets, and I couldn?t stay hidden after that.

It didn?t end well. Rhys had a hole in his leg and Koyan took the brunt of one of the lightning bolts. There are some situations I?m not equipped to handle, and healing is one of them. There were regulars on hand who tried, Sira amongst them, but Koyan?s too important a friend to leave to chance.

I called on Lexius because I?ve seen him achieve things I wouldn?t have thought possible. I called on him because I didn?t know what else to do.

The end result was Koyan?s recovery, an almost confrontation between Lexius and Rhys, and Lexius with some severe mental fuses blown. I?m still not sure whether it was the right choice to make, but at the time all that mattered was seeing Koyan breathe again, knowing he wasn?t going to suffer on account of my actions. He was angry with me when I intervened with Lexius and Rhys. Lexius couldn?t even bring himself to stick around when all was said and done, and in the aftermath it was all I could do to bring his mind back to functioning from beneath the dissonance. The flaws of his rebirth, the traits of his old life still anchored into him, they won?t be shaken. Not without force.

We have some idea of how to tackle that.

Following my meeting with Aiden, I came home to find Lexius waiting for me on the front porch. It?d been a couple of weeks since our little interlude down in the lab, and I?d put my mind to getting to know him better physically. I knew it hadn?t been easy for him, but made the mistake of figuring if he?d coped with what we?d done there, he could handle me having the upper hand. Kind of literally. Anyway, I was wrong (again) and the end result was a bedroom full of unwelcome memories like a theatre of my life, ectoplasm dripping from the ceiling, things vanishing, every scrap of glass in the house shattering from windows to liquor collection, and cell phone screen? Oh and being physically flung across the room. I know I didn?t imagine the wings and claws, too.

Afterwards he attacked me. I?m not sure he was conscious of the fact his threads were doing their best to strangle me metaphysically. We?ve spoken about it since and I think the memories are foggy. It ended up messy, defence mechanisms kicking in to try and kill him In turn, and his guardians intervened at the last minute. I have heard them speak before, once in the wastes and once at Jetrell?s stronghold, but it still catches me off guard when they choose to address me, and after two days of Lexius being unconscious on my mattress, they did a whole lot more than speak to me.

In the aftermath of some mental fuckery I can?t adequately put in words, but which made me realise the full extent of precisely who Lexius? guardians are, they implied that the best way to tackle the flaws left behind by Lexius? rebirth would be for me to consume him. They plainly have a firm grasp of his soul, can rip him loose of me whenever they choose, and if I can devour only the faults, play filter for what we want stripped away, he might just survive it.

They didn?t want me to mention it to him, but it?s him I?m allied to, not them, and I wouldn?t consider such an undertaking without his permission.

To begin with he was firmly opposed, but I think the way he struggled to rally after the incident with Koyan and the eagle has been the catalyst to a change of heart. For now he?s gone to the desert, to recover, to do whatever it is he needs to do. I get to sit home and practice meditating ready for the day I sit on that Gods damned table again. A task like this isn?t something either of us want to consider without knowing the full extent of what?s in me, what I am. Finding out is something I would gladly put off for however long I have left, if not for fixing him.

While he recovers, I?ve other tasks to attend to. Tonight I mean to pay a visit to Taneth?s home with Pharlen, to see if we can make some progress with her recovery. It?s been months since I?ve seen her, and I?m fearful of finding her in exactly the same state she was before the mess with the pantheon and with Gem began. If Pharlen can?t help her, I?m stumped. I?m pretty resigned to the fact that I should have refused to help her with the task she set for Crispin. Should have just kept her at arm?s length as I always have the bright and innocent things.

She?s not the only one I?ve done wrong by of course. Kai returned a few days ago, with Rufus. She?s made it pretty clear that as a result of my refusal to speak with her when I braved the public eye again after Evander, she was stung. She also assumed that I didn?t care if she vanished for weeks at a time, never mind that for all I know her enemies might have caught up with her. It hurt that she was so ready to think the worst of me when I?ve always done my best by her in the past. One bad mood and everything else of our history forgotten. It makes me regret things. It makes me regret letting people under my skin. Makes me think it?s safer to let people think ill of me from the start.

Of course I know I can?t do that. Some people just don?t deserve the reticence and the attitude. Some are genuinely good folk.

One good (I think?) thing I can claim to have done over the past few weeks is to have found during a trip to Madrid on Koyan?s behalf, that the woman he thought dead was instead only taken captive. I don?t think he?s taking the guilt of his assumptions about her fate too well ? he was drunk to the point of idiocy when I saw him before the eagles, hoping he?d get jumped in the street by the Assamites. He asked me not to tell Eden, though I doubt I?ll be seeing her anytime soon anyway.

There are always so many secrets.

- M

January 28th, 2016

You don?t survive long in this city without accomplishing a degree of adaptability.

Ten years ago, I thought I?d evolved well enough to survive. I thought that the series of traumas I suffered which broke the seal would be ?it?, and anything beyond that unnecessary. I explored my talents in turns recklessly and cautiously, and quietly congratulated myself on maintaining a degree of humanity despite my predilections and transgressions. It was na?ve of me. Short-sighted.

Now I know trepidation. I feel as if there?s some intangible chrysalis wrapped about me I?ve never been aware of. The changes are beyond my control, and yet entirely my fault. The metamorphosis is conducted not by a single driving force, but two. One churns inside, observing the tempering, smug in the knowledge I am subject to its design. The other I accepted willingly into my life in exchange for its aid in saving Lexius.

It stripped me of all things false. Plates and pins and every scrap the doctors have used to keep me from falling apart over the years. Old aches and pains, the remnants of fractures, breaks and nerve damage cease to trouble me. I can?t know the full extent of its working without peeling myself open to see, but I wouldn?t be surprised to learn the changes are as rampant in other parts of me. The edges of my teeth cut more cleanly, the mirror shows me edges more like carnassials where the first molars should be. It pulled me apart, thrust me back together, and left everything feeling full of potential. I?ve yet to test out the physical effects to their full extent, but they?re promising.

It left me with the scars. I think it knew somehow, their necessity. Ugly though they are, they serve their purpose.

My passenger seems content enough not to have combated the changes, though I?m well aware it?s cautious of attention from Lexius? guardians and seems to imply it?s yet in its infancy. It wishes to remain that way, the other seals unbroken until some unspecified time.

This all came about a couple of weeks ago, in the aftermath of an entirely unexpected severing with Lexius.

I?m not oblivious to his history. He?s told me the ugly details of previous relationships ending and I accepted the risks, thought I knew myself well enough that it wouldn?t prove an obstacle. Yet the first shred of doubt surfaces, and over Sinjin of all people, and I called a halt. His reassurances over Sin, and his loathing of kindred in general were not enough to convince me there was nothing there. Worse, with that reassurance came more warning. ?You should cease now. Look elsewhere. There are far better choices.?

I took him at his word, realising in that moment that this is one facet of my life where I?m a coward. The risks were too much.

It didn?t help when, days later, I sat talking with Sin at the Red Dragon and learned that Lexius had gone to his home. I took it as evidence, as proof of my misgivings. Sin picked at my patience, working, I suspect, on suspicions until I confessed the truth of the matter. My resentment faded fast. Sin is Sin, and his nature is immutable. Why should I blame him for desiring Lexius? It?s not as if we?d ever told anyone there was an ?us?.

?Jealousy is a bitch?, he told me.

The accuracy of it, the use of that word, like something dirty, it made me ashamed. I don?t wish to be some green eyed monster, though the potential for it never lies far from the surface.

First Lan haunted me, telling me to persist, and then Jack Quinn appears mysteriously at my home with his pack. Between the two of them I was convinced to see past my fear, and Lexius? self-doubt, to consider the potential for change, to remember that the tarnished record belonged to an Elf who has since been remade.

He was again in the coming days, after we?d met in the pit at his home, now closed up save for a handful of rooms. His attempt to start fresh, abandoning all but the library and the lab. We spoke our pieces, he warned me again I was being foolish, but this time it didn?t deflect me. Instead I travelled out with him to the well, and fell head first into this fools plan we?d cooked up to correct the wrongs of his rebirth.

The well spat us out three days later, both physically changed, and Lexius? mind seamless again, the dissonance entirely absent. Touch is now possible without repercussions. Certain names on our tongues no longer require him to do battle with inner demons I?ve been witness to via mental links he establishes.

I?m hopeful. And even if I accomplish nothing more than fixing him, it?ll have been worth it.

There are of course things of a troubling nature afoot that I suspect we won?t be able to avoid despite best intentions. Jason informed me his watchers have reported the doors to the Temple of Janus have been opened. In typical Roman fashion, it insinuates a coming war. The split Grecian pantheon seems to be at the heart of the cause, but we?ll know nothing for sure until we talk to Aiden again. I?m not sure whether to suggest Lexius comes this time. Maybe he?ll be able to tolerate the man now he?s had his wrinkles ironed out.

Bjorn is aware there?s trouble mounting, and offered his aid, but I will not have him, nor the Alfar, dragged into something of this scale. There are Vhamerians I would see kept safe from the whole fiasco too, though it wouldn?t trouble me to see Fox and her followers conveniently swallowed up by it. In the end the risks are too high, and the Alfar too few. I won?t be responsible for further depleting their numbers, nor for putting a bonded pair under the eyes of pantheon scrutiny.

Bjorn told me Evander has vanished. I hope he merely chose to remove himself from a situation he couldn?t combat without causing further strife. I felt relieved to think he?d opt for that, over violence. In the past he?s not been so successful in restraint, so it?s safer for him this way. Safer for Bjorn too, who would have to deal with the aftermath. I was grateful for his ear that day, and surprised by how impartial he remained. I?d expected his loyalty to Evander might have set distance between us, but his concern was candid, and his words lacking in judgement. He even suggested I come out to the settlement to see everyone, but at that point the taint of Crius still stained me, and I didn?t want to risk leading anyone to their doorstep. Now it?s gone, I may reconsider it.

Again on the subject of troubling developments, and of a more personal nature, is an unexpected tie that seems to have been manipulated between Lexius and I by his guardian. It?s one I?d refused some time ago, and though he respected my decision, it seems we?re at the whims of things far larger than us. There is nothing either of us can do to change it. Stepping into the well seems to have stripped me of certain freedoms, amongst them choice.

Sometime after the desert, I ran into Sinjin at the inn again. I can?t recall ever seeing him so miserable as he is presently, and entirely aware of his own failings and flaws. It?s been some years since we were close, linked by his blood, and there were times since he returned that I thought the most we would ever be again was keepers of a shared history, with too much time set between us to ever look at one another as more than forgotten curiosities.

There is an ease in talking to him that I can?t deny though. I can be as ruthless as I wish with my truths and he?ll accept them without backlash. Instead he offers them in return. It?s a precious thing, particularly with thirteen long years of memories, conflict and comfort.

I can?t help wondering whether he will succeed in rebuilding things here, or whether he will slide back into absence. He seems too comfortable there, out of sight.

- M

March 26th, 2016

I didn?t trust them to handle it. Everyone knew (probably) I couldn?t just play observer, and everyone knew (probably) that minor meddling was bound to become sabotage on a grand scale.

I imagine Aiden spent some time laughing about it after my vehement refusal to be nudged around like a pawn by his faction. My pro-active behaviour has accomplished precisely what he would have done if I?d simply agreed. And likely with his backing, it would have been a great deal less risky, if not as bold as I like to move.

Really, they?re so fucking slow to do anything. I won?t excuse them their lack of haste just because they?re not time limited.

Anyway, I went to the Roman territory in the Temple District to track down the Mundus. I?d expected it to be difficult to reach, but not guarded to the extent it was, and having insisted on going alone there was no cautioning voice to persuade me not to try my luck anyway. The guards didn?t turn out to be the problem though. What did was Kore?s presence, and my bullshitting capacity being as lacklustre as it is, I barely managed to run my mouth enough to make her uncertain about killing me before I fled.

Turns out I earned myself the nickname ?False Prophet? after that little escapade, which is poor consolation considering the Mundus remained beyond my reach, and all the more doggedly guarded after I came so close to it. The only good which came of my recklessness was discovering Kore?s dim-witted reasoning behind her alliance with Dis. You?d think a fucking Power would?ve lived long enough to realise a permanent Spring is going to be pretty disastrous, and not the gift she?s convinced herself it would be to the mortals.

I?d gone to kill two birds with one stone though, and after giving my pursuers the slip, I managed to track down the stolen bulls we?d been trying to locate in order to stall the sacrificial aspect of the ceremony for Dis? ascension. Turns out the pillaged farm wasn?t the only place the Romans went to source their beef though. One barn was particularly well guarded, and with good reason. The sons of some Egyptian, bull-headed Power called Apis were being held there for the sacrifice, and you can be damned well sure a Power?s offspring would?ve pulled off the investiture.

Of course when Lexius and I scheduled another meeting with Aiden out at Fantasia, he was pretty damn eager to point out I?d caused problems. Not least for myself. My discovery of Apis? sons and their captivity by the Romans got my name dragged up in front of the Company, and it wasn?t a big leap to connect me to the ?False Prophet? Kore had been bitching about.

I?m more uneasy about that than I let on, though I?m sure Lexius knows. My concerns were only affirmed by another source a couple of weeks later, though I?ll get to that in good time.

Aiden persuaded us it was better to work in concert with his faction rather than independently, and I found myself recruited for a kidnapping. Not the first time I?ve turned my hand to that particular crime, but the prey was certainly a little more than I?d bargained for. Kore herself, bitch-queen extraordinaire (though there was a certain element of entertainment watching her rail at Aiden before we sprung the trap).

Unsurprisingly, letting Aiden do the planning resulted in a cluster fuck.

Infiltrating Kore?s domain was easy enough, thanks to his connections (though being exposed to Apate and Hecate was not something I signed up for). Disguised, we didn?t have to fear being recognised, but we were sorely lacking decent exit routes when we arrived, playing at being harbingers from Dis, to escort her from her protected domain. Aiden assured me he?d do all the talking. Instead the bitch Kore commands him to silence because he hasn?t got the good sense to take a knee, and I?m stuck bullshitting my way through things. Again. Like I fucking know how these beings address one another, the honorifics. I was stuck choking on flattery and attempts to appease until the biggest flaw in Aiden?s plan unravelled us. The real couriers arrived.

Now at this point, Kore had opened a portal to Dis? throne room with intent to march us through and make examples of us. The horn sounded to announce the couriers happened at that very moment, and I did the only thing I could do. Tackled her straight through it.

Her dress tore.

We land the other side in a sprawl, in front of her husband to be and his whole damn court. Oh and Aiden put a spear through her pet hellhound, so that was just fantastic. That last little insult heaped upon injury.

So. Angry Dis. Kore throwing a bitch fit while Aiden wrangles her and soaks up every spell she?s slinging at us. Pain maddened hellhound running around (on fire ? and sort of rotting because I might have done that too) and a whole court full of hell creatures all ready to tear us apart. I managed to draw the shadows over us to offer a little concealment, but as it turns out, Dis is pretty good at that too, and I?m not cut out for trying to wrestle command of them from a damn deity.

I let them go, because it seemed the sensible thing to do, but I kept a few threads to form a javelin and threw it at him to keep him distracted. Only it didn?t so much distract him as spear him through the hand, and then that?s great because now I?ve injured him and if he was angry before, that made him furious. Aiden tells me to get us out of there.

Yeah, that was the biggest flaw in his whole plan. How we were supposed to flee once we got her. I?ve never taken more than one person through the Umbral paths before, and dragging a Power and a demi-god along with me through a plane not even connected to the one I?m used to stepping from was not something I?d ever have thought myself capable of. Truth be told, if it hadn?t been for the necessary contact with them, and the nasty little sting of energy I always get touching Aiden (all right so maybe it isn?t all that nasty) we?d probably have wound up straying off course and getting mobbed by the denizens of the shadow plane.

Instead we made it through, and handed Kore over to her true husband, who was no more pleased to see me than he was when he attacked me in the temple last year. I think if it weren?t for the fact that Hecate likes me, and Aiden was there reminding him of the protection I?ve earned from Ares and Hermes, he?d probably have found some excuse to put me down. Instead, he was bullied into extending his protection to me just as Dis arrives behind us.

Hades and Dis do not like each other. Kore?s there calling me Defier and False Prophet, Dis is demanding that Aiden and I be handed over to him for punishment. Hecate, all smiles and pleasantness, is still the granddaughter of the titan Koyan and I killed over a decade ago so I was ready for something to explode in my damn face.

Dis told them I shouldn?t be permitted to live. Said I was infected.

I wish I could say I didn?t know what he was talking about, but the problem is that I do. It?s the same reason why every time I sense Aiden?s energy, something wakes in me, hungry, intrigued. It?s the same reason the guardian sealed my energy before permitting me through the portal to Bjorn?s homeland. It?s the same thing which indiscriminately drains of life anything around me if I?ve taken a wound that should kill me, and cheats death with sickening reliability.

As a result of Hades? intervention, I was allowed to leave, though not before Dis warned him he?d claim his pets one day. It?s a term I resent. I wouldn?t have required the protection of any of them if they?d left me alone in the first place, yet now here I am, thrust to the forefront to the point that not one, but two pantheons are uncomfortably familiar with my actions, familiar with my affliction, and are harbouring grudges.

Hoping for a little good will from the Egyptian pantheon as a result of the rescued bulls is probably too much to hope for. Lexius timed his side of the ascension sabotage with our efforts below, and by the time I?d returned, there were bulls roaming loose through the Temple District, though most he?d managed to safely secure.

We intend to try and ensure that good will results in some generous aid to Aiden?s side of the Greek divide by finding them some virgin territory to preach their bullshit religion in. Few as their followers are these days, the only way they?re going to bolster their strength is by securing a new base of worship, and the ideal place to do that would be to replicate the environment in which they originally thrived. Desert. With a Nile-sized river cutting through it. Lexius? cartography is going to prove useful in this endeavour, since he?s mapped them so extensively, but the whole thing makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Deities might have proven themselves irrefutably real to me in my three decades, but that doesn?t mean I like them, their purpose, or think encouraging any kind of organised religion to strengthen them is a wise move.

Aiden and I argued it out viciously enough at Fantasia that I was itching to harm him, and only caught the origins of that itch as my passenger because Aiden was controlled enough to take his leave before we could really get into it. He understands why I?m critical, but he?s quick to remind me that its mortals who breathe life into the Powers, who organised the religions to begin with. The whole ?we are what you made us? is difficult to deny, but so?s the fact that we?re candle-flickers to them, barely worth remembering for the brevity of the inconvenience we can be to them, and as such they treat us like shit.

I don?t want to deliver fresh meat into their hands. At the same time, I?m too invested in the chaos being caused by the pantheon war not to recognise it as the lesser of two evils. Being willing to make that choice and live with it is probably something I?d have failed in, if not for Lexius? support.

I?m eager to get out of the city. Not a bad reason to encourage Lexius to take me out scouting the territory he?s narrowed down our choices to, and monopolising his company for days straight isn?t a hardship. Things are still relatively new between us, given how long we kept things platonic. His patience and my natural caution over rushing things have kept us free of the whirlwind crazy that seems to characterise most relationships in this damn realm, and keeping it quiet (I think only Sinjin has arrived at the natural conclusion, and Bjorn I mentioned it to simply for need of a sympathetic, trustworthy ear) has avoided any awkward questions.

Suffice it to say that we?re past testing the waters with one another and are comfortably afloat. I don?t attempt to measure the intensity of his feelings towards me, and I certainly don?t ask or broach the subject. He asks nothing more of me than I offer already ? I doubt many would be content with so little.

- M

July 3rd, 2016

This hole I?m digging for myself is a good one. Its sides are high and slick, and tilting just far enough to promise that sooner or later they?ll cave in on me. Like those bulging walls in Venice, rotten through and crumbling, it?s only a matter of time.

Spending time with Lexius and Aiden has been an education, and proven in the process just how ignorant of things I?ve been. Of course it?s a blissful ignorance, because most of what has been revealed, probably shouldn?t have, and it?s also knowledge I?m not sure is securely safeguarded in my head, even with Lexius? improvements in place to keep other people out.

Aiden has informed me studying the source of this knowledge will result in changes. I have damn good reason to avoid the kind of self-improvement that implies, because the greater my understanding becomes, the greater that of my darker half. It will not use it for anything that isn?t self-serving, and unaware of its ambitions beyond tempering me, unaware of its intrinsic desires beyond the energy those higher powers harbour, the safest assumption is that it?s malignant.

The only evidence I have contrary to that theory is that Lexius? guardian hasn?t chosen to destroy me yet. That in itself isn?t necessarily heartening though, because it too brandishes us, particularly Lexius, like instruments to achieve its own goals. It might just be content to use me while I?m malleable, whilst the core has yet to mature. Maybe when it does, I?ll be too tarnished to use anymore, and find myself cast upon some scrap heap like a broken toy. For Lexius at least, there must be some greater purpose, but I suspect I?ve given up what was needed already, and am, for the moment, merely a method of keeping Lexius happy. Maybe his guardian thinks he deserves that, after so long spent fractured.

Introspection aside. The facts.

We made our proposal to an Egyptian ambassador introduced to us by Aiden. He was a representative of the Master of Balance, a being known as Thoth. We offered him the desert territory, sweetened it with the promise of the river?s renewed flow. It sounded like a damn good deal to me, though I suppose in the ambassador?s eyes I spoke out of turn when I stated our conditions.

Then came the part where I felt like a fucking imbecile. Because I didn?t know. Lexius never bothered to inform me of what else he intended to offer. An artefact he found belonging to the very Master of Balance we were negotiating with by proxy. Now that got their attention, and Aiden?s too, but I was busy being angry as fuck because keeping me informed was apparently optional.

In retrospect I understand.

What Lexius was offering to them was something mortals shouldn?t even be aware of. It?s also the very set of items he has, in recent days, insisted I study at risk of those personal changes, while the Egyptians make up their damn minds. It?s obvious to me now that secrets like this aren?t necessarily just secrets. His history is so lengthy that the span of time we?ve known each other is like a gnat?s lifespan. Ridiculous to think he should have enlightened me to every facet of his history, when even mine is largely unknown to him.

There?ll be more occasions like this. Things that I?ll be surprised by not because he?s guarding them from me but just because it hasn?t occurred to him to mention them. My seething was short-lived. I think Aiden wasn?t far behind me in disapproval though, and his was due to complications far more deeply rooted than my own sullen disappointment.

For him, permitting this exchange to happen leaves his loyalty in question. Thoth was the predecessor of his half-brother, Hermes, a conflation of Greek invention as they borrowed from older religions. Thoth was weakened by worship of this newer Power, and now, even with Aiden?s side in dire need of the Egyptian support to challenge the division, there?s a very real risk that there will be a shift upon the scales. Hermes will find out about it eventually, might not like it personally, but he?ll have to pick between his own gain and that of his group?s interests.

I find myself more concerned that Aiden is liable to get in trouble for not telling Hermes what we?re up to.

That bothers me too, because I?d be lying if I said I didn?t still harbour some resentment for his people dragging us into this in the first place. Hating him would be easier. Instead I keep getting to know him better, realising he?s taking risks for us, noting the differences between him and the full-blooded Powers. I met with him during one of the summer festivals, at Lexius? prodding, to see if he?d be willing to study the artefact with me. Teach me the ancient Greek language in the process. He is, much to my annoyance, fun to hang out with. I don?t want closer ties with his people, and yet I can see it?s going to happen. And all because Lexius won?t study them with him, himself.

Beyond the Powers and their struggles, there seems to be something more. The issues Pharlen recruited Lexius to help with last year are more involved than I?d realised. The firmament is unravelling, and it?s somehow an agent of entropy, being championed by those same fae, that?s responsible. Apparently it stems from earth, but RhyDin being the nexus mess it is, is effected in the process, allowing the fae to breach the realm and warp areas of it to their liking.

I?ve been oblivious to the fact that this is somehow connected to the problem Pharlen?s family have been having, too. Lexius thought I knew. Naturally I felt all the more foolish as a result.

I should stay out of it all. Leave it to Aiden and Lexius to aid the Von Tombs ? they?re better equipped to deal with it. But it?s difficult to ignore the threat something that large poses to the realm as a whole. The firmament falls, and nothing else matters. Still I know I?ll probably be unable to resist the compulsion to act if it presents itself. The same way when the Alfar approached me for assistance, I knew I wouldn?t turn them away. Now I?ve to meet with Svana, and there poses a quandary of politics, because I?d be willing to wager that nothing she discusses with me will have been discussed with Ivanya or Bjorn. They?ve been too long gone.

All this hasn?t left me with much time to socialise. On the few occasions I?ve visited the Red Dragon, I have however caught up with those I hope to see the most.

My brother, thriving for the most part with Cane at one side, and Sin?s absence and actions a thorn in the other. Taneth, much more herself, shaking off the otherness that haunted her when she came up from the grave beneath the tree. Desdenova, whose company can be alarming as it is insightful (and occasionally generous ? the boy brought me a shoggoth tentacle to play with).

The occasions I?ve met with Koyan have been at turns a pleasure and a grim realisation of how difficult he?s had things, and how little I know of it all. Some weeks ago he confessed to me that Laurel, the woman he?d needed the blood for, had died. Determined as he?d been to keep her, to save her, I can imagine all too well what the failure to do so must have cost him. When next I saw him, he was in Ransom?s company, the pair of them on some foolish stealth attempt to take me by surprise. I suspect I wasn?t the best company for them, but it did me some good to indulge in conversation more light-hearted than I often find. Ransom?s a good wingman for assaults on his ego.

Now and then I find in myself the urge to confide in Koyan the extent of this mess. He?s coarse, more evasive than he used to be with his own business, but I trust him implicitly. I don?t imagine he?d be happy hearing it though. Too many reminders of what was, and what we argued over months ago.

For his part, Lexius seems unbothered by the friendship we maintain, and despite the minor hiccup we had at the beginning of the year, things progress smoothly.

As a result of my unease over the artefacts he means to hand back to Thoth, he decided to show me the concealed place where he houses those more dangerous finds. Unnecessary, really, but a gesture I wasn?t blind to. Where my impatience and temper are concerned, he doesn?t shy away. In fact he addresses them plainly so that more often than not I end up regretting them. The more open the link between us becomes, the more obvious it is he finds nothing abhorrent about my flaws? yet I wait for it.

Not all of my imperfections are easy to tolerate. My violent tendencies behind closed doors he can appreciate to an extent, though there have been times he?s stayed my hand and warned me off inflicting pain for the sake of it alone. I doubt that will ever change, no matter how long we?re together, but he has made sacrifices where things of a physical nature are concerned, and much to my relief, seems to have decided they were worthwhile. There at least, my patience paid off.

In the next few days I intend to take him with me when I go to see Svana. It?s my hope she?ll find him worthy of being more open with (it?ll sure as hell make it simpler for me in the future) but she?s such a cynical creature, it?d be foolish of me to harbour too great a hope.

With a little luck, the firmament won?t fall before then and leave us all drowning in fae-induced chaos.

- M

April 21st, 2018

About a week ago, I made my way out to the tech district, not far from Stars End. Not one of my usual haunts, but sometimes there’s things you want that you can’t pick up in Old Town or the West End. They’re too heavily reliant on the arcane, and while someone might have been able to take a shot at what I needed the old fashioned way, I knew Lexius would feel it, and let’s be fucking honest, if I let someone go digging through all my old skeletons, I’d have to kill them after. No point in complicating things with corpses.

Some shit, Lexius doesn’t need to know about. I know he’d try and talk me out of doing them, or just disapprove of my methods, and this was one of those times. He’s pretty good about staying out of my business for the most part. He’s stood back and watched me make choices I know carry some stupid risks, and to give him due credit, he won’t rub my nose in the consequences when it turns out badly.

And it has turned out badly, sometimes.

For someone with that much intellect, he sure puts up with a lot of stupid. (At what point does that make him stupid, too?)

I got what I needed. Cognitive enhancers, and not the cheap shit the students use for their exams, either. The crazy strong, light up your brain like a Christmas tree, leave you with a monu-fucking-mental migraine stuff that makes you realise that you’re sleep walking through life on the daily. I guess it’s like someone with bad eyesight. You don’t realise how much detail you’re missing until someone fits you with the right prescription. Only with these you have the grim reality that after a couple of hours, it’s gonna fade out, and unless you want to keep popping pills like a junkie (and with these it would be one expensive habit) you’re gonna be back in what feels like weak-ass sensory deprivation. But that’s not even the half of it. It isn’t just the input, it’s how your mind processes it. Like you woke up in class at last and what your teacher’s been trying to explain all year suddenly seems so simple that you’re embarrassed you didn’t get it before.

So anyway, I swallowed that thing before Lexius figured out what I was sneaking around doing.

He’s got the rest of the bottle. Wanted to run some tests because, as he so reasonably pointed out, the clinical trials probably didn’t include tests on someone with my… unique physiology. And by that, I mean I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I was still run of the mill human.

That was what, in part, made swallowing that drug so difficult. For just a couple of hours, my head, no, the whole of me, felt as unadulterated as I was when I was a kid. Just me. None of this extra crap that started with the Russians. And I realised all this fucking time, more than a dozen years after the fact, there are changes I never noticed. They’ve been so slow and insidious that one day at a time, nothing felt different. It’s only when it’s all stripped away that I recognised just how fucking myopic I’ve been.

Of course there was more. I’ve never been particularly sensitive to anything that a lot of people with other preternatural talents seem inherently capable of recognising – or feeling, I suppose. If it’s not dead, or related to death, shadow or blood magic, I’m utterly incapable. But I know there are other energies, things that can be manipulated metaphysically, and when friends or lovers have attempted to teach me to work with them, the lessons always stall because of my incompatibility. I never once paused to consider that I wasn’t naturally incapable, but somehow, the drug not only stripped away my passenger’s mental influence, but also what seems like some kind of inbuilt block, and for a couple of short hours, I could feel. And I was fucking angry to think that all this time, I’ve been blinkered, just blindly accepting my shortcomings.

Lexius came out as soon as he realised what I’d done. Disapproving, of course. Stuck with me anyway, while I figured shit out and went walking through memories that weren’t mine. Lives it lived in other men’s bodies, the repeating theme of hunt and kill and then, inevitably, another face smeared in plaster. Another anonymous cast added to the wall, lips stitched and eyes blank.

If the Sibylline documents are correct, it won’t be my fate. After all, there’s no one left in Amhinata to run me down. Instead it’ll be the cultists, already in possession of my ‘brothers’ and in opposing them at least, I know I have my passenger’s cooperation. But they’re not the pressing issue at the moment. That honour belongs to Aiden’s relatives, and it took digging deeper, past the splitting, to the day his fucking uncle tried to form an alliance with his successors to reach any real revelations.

Convoluted as everything’s become this past two years, I was starting to think everything was built on some grand scale I’d never be able to fully realise. And maybe it still is, but I’m beginning to see connections, to understand on a more personal level what my role in all of it is, the motivations of my passenger and all those ugly knotted strings the fates are weaving.

There’s no comfort to be taken in this knowledge, and before long I’ll have to start making some hard choices.

I worry about Aiden. His pivotal presence. I worry about Lexius, and what he’s having to tolerate on my behalf. Yet I can’t stand still and put everything on hold until events finally roll around. Life doesn’t give you any free rides. There’s still the horses to tend to, the Alfar to check up on, business obligations and informants to keep abreast of. There’s a foal due before long, and on the other side of the scales, Brian on his last legs. Brian who’s been with me since the arsonist was after Paiva. The NSAIDs can only do so much, and there’ll be a hard call to make over the next couple of weeks. I wish he’d at least been at home for it, rather than at Iberus’ place, but Sanctuary hasn’t been safe for more than a year.

Lexius finally got fed up with it.

Truth be told, I don’t find it a hardship, moving from place to place. It’s not as gruelling as roughing it out in the hills when we were at war in Bjorn’s homeland. There’s always Lexius’ place to go to if I need a roof, or Vadriel’s if it’s close at hand. I even slept in one of Koyan’s stalls when there wasn’t anyone around to protest it. I don’t mind the back of the van, even if that seemed to cause particular offense, but this multitude of options is apparently unacceptable. So I’m having to rebuild. It’d been on the agenda for some months, but if I’m going to have to put up with the domesticity of a home again, it’s going to be a place that can’t get flattened, or burned down, or reached by anyone other than the people I want there. For that reason, I’m looking into the materials, the right talents, to keep it inaccessible and generally inhospitable to everyone that doesn’t fit that category.

For that, I’ll probably need some blood. Quite how willing people will be to offer it, I don’t know. You’ll get some people bleeding everywhere like stuck pigs in this city, and others who have a meltdown if anyone might even potentially get a drop of it.

There are blueprints now, physical evidence of my intent to make it happen.

I’m still not sure I’ll bother buying a bed, though.

- M