Life has been crazy for me between all my trips back and forth between Geladine and RhyDin lately that I decided I needed to sit down and relax for a while. What did that cause? Attempting to start a diary again.

I used to write one years ago when I first came to RhyDin town, then I stopped. I can only hope I keep up with it this time around.

The last dozen days or so I've been spending a lot of time getting to know my brother Sevran again as well as his wife Penelope. Strange how much he has changed since last he was in my life. I suppose falling in love can change anyone because it certainly changed him.

In a way I'm happy to have him home but in another way I'm starting to feel annoyed with his presence. I mean here he is wanting to act like nothing happened before and that he didn't leave us all to run off and find himself for years on end. On the other hand if he is in Geladine offering to take on responsibilities that means less for me, right?

Needless to say I am rather divided on this subject. There are days I want to be nothing more then a bar keep and stable owner while other days I just can't believe how lucky I am to be involved in my homeland's evolution from tiny country that barely mattered to a country that is growing by leaps and bounds.

Speaking of the stables.. I have to get there soon, Nysden wanted me to help him with the training of the yearlings if I had the time. Think I wouldn't mind getting on the back of one of those beauties today, either that or see if I can't get the Supra out for a drive.

Finally a moment to myself. It's been an extremely long day and I felt as if I would never get anytime to myself but here I am in the quiet of my room at the Dragon after a nice long soak in hot water and I feel as if I'm relaxed enough to try and go on with the explanation of what happened yesterday in Geladine.

I never did make it to the party devoted to the end of Spring but with all that happened in Geladine it's no wonder.

My day started out with the usual, an early breakfast with Father. It was nothing overly exciting. Most of the thirty minutes spent at the table was filled with updates on various things happening in Geladine -- like the new docks being built in a newly formed town, Caeserin, off the Northern coast. Father told me that Sevran seems to be doing well in the tasks set to him since his return. Wonderful. Not entirely sure I want to go into how I feel about that right now so I'll leave that for later.

After breakfast Father and I went to the nearest temple devoted to the Moon Goddess in the town that has grown up around the castle following the battle I lost my husband. Strange way to look at it now isn't it? I mean it's the only way I can think of it anymore. Yes, William is still alive but it was that battle that was the end for us.

To get back on track, we attended service with the rest of the inhabitants of Laerlyn and afterwards spent three hours in council with the High Priestess Faerlyn about various problems including the failing of not only the portal at Rising Star but two other portals set up in Kiliana forest near the Elven settlement and the other in the Darcain Mountains at the main morphite mine.

Despite the time spent there, no solution or answer was given but it was obvious to me that Faerlyn was worried about something else entirely. I only wish I could have approached her without all the advisors and Father because perhaps then I might have been able to find out exactly what that was.

From there the day only got worse because Father insisted that a trip be taken to Corintheus for the evening that required both Sevran and I to attend. Not only did I have to go to Corintheus but I had to dress accordingly. Ugh. That's all I have to say about that. I tried to caution against the use of the portal to Corintheus but Father simply smiled and said, "I could say the same to you about returning to that chaotic place you so love." Needless to say I chose to stay quiet and for a change perform the duty of being a good daughter.

Nothing all that important happened except that Sevran showed remarkable skills in dealing with Roderick. That shouldn't surprise me since the both of them are full of themselves. When it was all said and done I couldn't wait to leave Geladine and Corintheus behind to escape to the quiet of my room here to sleep.

Today was spent at Rising Star with the pegs and Nysden with little but the winged beauties on my mind though we did have a discusion about the portal and I promised him that Ayliana and Jonathon both were quite well and staying in Laerlyn until the preparations for the new portals could be made. I suppose I could have offered to bring them with me or use my own portal set up here but I'd rather not have people here in my room. Perhaps that is selfish of me but I do like a bit of privacy now and again. Besides I haven't even had time to see Dom lately, why add in special trips to Geladine that can be handled by others into the mix?

Speaking of Dom, I only hope I can spend some time with him tomorrow before my shift at the inn.

On that note I can't write anymore without risking my hand cramping up and I definitely need sleep.

~A very tired me. ::scrawled in almost unreadable script ended the entry::

It's been a while since I wrote in here but I have valid reasons for that. The research I've been doing has taken up all of my time, so much of my time that I in fact resigned as a barkeep for what more or less has been my home for several years.

Perhaps I shouldn't let my every waking moment be consumed with research but what else am I to do? I'm desperate for finding a way to reverse the effects upon the portals and in turn upon myself that I'm grasping at straws lately.

No longer do the portals even attempt to work and my own magic is fading. I can even feel it fading away, as if siphoned off by some other force and I don't know what to do. Even shifting has become difficult and more energy consuming.

I'm so tired, all I want to do is sleep and hope that during those hours of blessed unconsciousness that things will right themselves but of course it won't happen. Instead I have dreams of seeking the Goddess only to find nothing. And I do mean nothing. In place of her temples, in my dreams, there is a blankness as if they never existed in the first place. And that scares me.

Fear. Something I used to feel on a daily basis when married to William and now.. now it is always there.

I want to go home. I want to walk into the throne room and throw my arms around my father and hug him. I want to listen to Hettie prattle on and on with Amthy about dresses and fabrics or anything for that matter. I just want to be in Geladine.

I'm so confused right now that I know if I were to come back to read this another day that it would not make sense to me.

I think a few hours away from it all is exactly what I need. Is there even anyone I can go to and talk about such things with? Amthy but even she is having her problems and there has been nothing I could do to help her.

Why do I feel as if I have failed everyone?

Here it is day two and still I'm writing. Maybe this won't be so bad after all, huh? Anyway now for the question of the day.

What's your favorite guilty indulgence?

My favorite guilty indulgence? Something I feel guilty for doing yet enjoy it anyway? That's a good question. Let's see if I can't answer it.

I guess for me it's really hard to pin down exactly what that would be. After all I don't feel guilty for doing anything that I do. Why should I? I've worked hard to get to this point in my life. I've been through a lot and according to a certain pixie, I don't do nearly enough for myself. If it was up to her, I would be going to the spa once a week for all that girly stuff she so enjoys. Followed up with a LOT of shopping.

I don't spend money frivolously. I don't feel guilty about spending time with the Pegasi which I thoroughly enjoy. And I certainly don't feel guilty about any of the other things I do that I enjoy.

Except for one thing. See, I have these 'what if' fantasies. They just creep up on me when my mind isn't fully occupied with a task. Oh sure, I enjoy them. And sometimes I really indulge myself with them. But afterwards if I happen to talk to Amthy, I have to really snap down tight on our bond so she doesn't know just how guilty I feel if I were to even think of sharing them with her.


Why do I feel guilty about them? Because in most cases they revolve around William. Yes, I know he is horribly bad for me. Yes I know we could have never made our marriage work for various reasons but it's not like I can make my heart forget about him.

So yeah, my sweetly happy 'what if' fantasies would be the answer.

I think I will save myself from digging into this subject more and just say good night.

If you could change one person's mind about something, who and what would it be?

If I were trying to be funny I would say Amthy and her infatuation with shopping. I mean, come on that would save me in the end right? No more being dragged through countless shops, listening to what the in fashion is and why my wardrobe needs an update. But that isn't what this is for, this journal is to make me think about what I really think and feel so here goes!

Sometimes I think I would try to change William's mind about his life. I would try to make him see what he is missing out on in life by not being true to himself. But then I remind myself that what I want him to be like is not the reality. As far as I know, he is being true to himself. Maybe because that result means there is no hope of reconciliation, I just don't want to think of it. So before I go on about this, time to switch this to what I would really want to do.

I think perhaps it would be Aurora. Yeah, that would definitely be whom I would want to change their mind. What would I want to change her mind about? That there is more to life than her Pack and her honor within it. That there is laughter along with the tears. That there are smiles along with the frowns. That there is love along with hate. That her parents love her more than either one of them could ever put into words while they don't understand her. That the ending of their marriage had nothing at all to do with her and everything to do with two people that were just wrong for one another. And that it is okay to look like an adult but give into the impishness of childhood. To act as if the only thing in the world that is important is to cut loose, be free and have fun.

Good night, Moon.

What four things are most important in your life?

This is a really good question so I guess I should take some time to answer it.

1) Aurora. She is definitely my number one priority. I may not be the best mother but I am really trying my best to understand her and be there for her. And I try to listen to her opinions and not purposely bait her. Though sometimes that is REALLY hard. I can't help it that sometimes I see an opening and I go for it. Boy does she not react well most times either. Though there have been a few times I caught her off guard enough to hear her laugh. As rare as those times are, I cherish when it does happen and keep them close to my heart.

2) Amthy. Out of everything in my life here in Rhy'Din, she is the one thing (besides Aurora) that I know I could not live without. I don't really know how to explain it other than we share a bond that I had always wanted with my blood brother and never really had. She is my best friend, my confidant and my tormenter all wrapped up in one. Without her, I don't think I would have survived Will. I definitely wouldn't be able to laugh about him like I can with her.

Maybe I should do something to show her how important she is to me? I'll have to think on that and come up with an idea to surprise her. She loves surprises after all!

3) Rising Star Stables and the people who work there. It isn't the money I make from it that is important to me. It's the people I have grown to know through working there and the Pegasi who each have a unique personality. If it was Amthy who made living after William bearable, it was Rising Star Stables that made life after magic failed me worth living.

I am at home here. I am comfortable with the people I see every day. I love the physical work that must be done to make it a success. And it is extremely important to me to keep it going so that it can be a refuge to not only me but the rest of those trapped here now that going home to Geladine isn't an option.

4) Geladine. It is true that I cannot return home, no matter how much I have tried to do so, the land where I was born will always be important to me. It is the blessing of a Goddess, whom I wonder if really pays attention anymore, that runs through my veins and makes me partly what I am. I might question many things but the love and importance of Geladine I don't even try to. Whether or not I ever step a foot upon the fertile lands of Geladine ever again, it shall always be in my heart and in my mind.

If you can still hear my prayers, I only ask that one day you see fit to allow us to come back home.

Good night, Moon.

What item do you own that speaks loudest about who you are as a person or an individual?

I had to think about this for a few moments before I answered. It's something that most people don't even pay attention to or in most cases know about. Except for Amthy.

Several years ago, Amthy gifted with me a pretty silver chain with a removable charm as she called it. Since I always wear two bracelets she thought I needed a necklace I would wear daily if I would wear no other jewelry. She called it my charm necklace.

At first I didn't know why she decided to name it so because the day she gave it to me the only charm upon it was a detailed silver howling wolf head. I cherished the gift and wore it daily.

The next time Amthy decided to surprise me she gave me a new charm, a beautifully detailed roaring tiger head in silver.

It has been gifts like that over the years which had told me how my dearest heart sister sees me or wants me to see myself. And sometimes it even works.

Some of the charms that she has gifted me (all in silver, some with morphite accents) with include:

* a tiara (Obvious, wouldn't you think?)
* a chef hat (Goddess knows that had to be a joke)
* a riding crop (for riding, of course)
* "best friend" (well she is my best friend and I hers, right?)
* "sexy momma" (Another joke, right? Ha!)
* a swan (according to her its for being graceful)
* a vase (for my pottery throwing skills apparently)
* a heart (for my loveable nature? Ha!)
* a rose (for beauty, yeah, I laughed)
* a puppy (for loyalty, even though I told her wolves are far more loyal to their
family than a dog ever could be)
* a rabbit ( "For the cute bunnies you catch!" Never mind that they are anything
but cute when I am finished with them.)
* and several others.

Writing this has made me pull out the velvet box I keep the charms in and take out each one to remember the 'virtues' Amthy told me they were to represent when she gave them to me. And it makes me smile. Others may think my heart sister to be nothing but a pretty piece of fluff but I know better.

I really do owe her something special soon.

Good night, Moon.

What color makes you think of happiness?

You know, I never really put a color to happiness so I guess there is a time to think about it and I guess that time is now.

Happiness is the warmth of the sun on my fur while spending time with Aurora and her pack.

Happiness is the feel of the sun as I take one of the Pegs through their paces.

Happiness is the reflection of the sun playing upon Lake Serenity.

Happiness is Amthy in full gushing glory, it's just too hard to not let that feeling rub off on me.

Happiness is the sun playing off freshly fallen snow as I bound through drifts.

So I guess the color of happiness for me would be yellow. Though I am not all that fond of the color yet it is still the color I'm now going to associate with it. Kind of funny in a way I suppose. Strange even that I think of Amthy being happy as yellow too. Maybe because she is like a ray of sunshine when happy.

Okay, enough on that so until tomorrow!

Good night, Moon.

What do you think makes a happy family?

This is a tough question because I have seen all manner of families since arriving in Rhy'Din and I've been involved with a lot of different types. But I guess the keyword here would be happy.

I wouldn't have called William, Aurora and I a happy family. There was too much tragedy involved for us to ever really be happy. I could lay the blame on that to one thing but I'd rather not start feeling bitter about that. I've moved on and recognized my own faults in that and going back to linger upon such things isn't really good for me.

Father, Sevren and I were happy, sometimes. We loved, supported and enjoyed one another's company before it was all torn apart by forces I would rather not think about right now.

Marie and I were happy as a small little family unit. She loved me, taught me and cared for my needs until the day she passed on.

The Bramble was another family unit that I found happiness within because I belonged and was accepted. Ariana made it easy to feel accepted around. She accepted me for who and what I was and made no judgments. As did most of the others she brought into her extended family.

But I think the happiest family 'unit' I belong to is the one that binds Amthy and I as sisters.

Now just to name what makes those different things happy for me.
Acceptance of who everyone is within the unit, love, respect for one another, loyalty to those within the unit and a feeling of being needed as an integral part of the unit.

To me it makes sense, not sure it would make sense to others. Good thing no one else is going to read it, huh?

Good night, Moon.