Sunday, March 30, 2008 - ((Early Afternoon))

Where to start?

Yesterday was supposed to be a great day without question. I found a jazz club in RhyDin that would allow me to perform there for a night. The Blue Note. I even went so far to find a suitable dress to wear for the occasion, black and sparkling under the low lights of the club. It was a breath taking experience and I received a number of compliments on my performance from those attending the club that night. I think the singing made up for the poor job I did at playing pool before hand, one man?s comment to me was much in agreement to that fact as well.

After the club I thought I would go the Red Dragon and have a glass of red to celebrate the night. And I did succeed in doing so, but it?s from that point on that my upbeat night stalled and met a plateau.

Alain was at the inn. I was oblivious to what was going on until I touched him and the bond snapped me out of it. I?ve been a poor friend, indeed. Turns out the must have been some truth to those rumors I heard amongst the workers. Alain and Cassandra are on a break. I don?t really understand a break and not being broken up, but it seems that this means there is a chance for them to overcome this obstacle and come together again.

Celebrating my own night was forgotten. Instead I ended up spending time with Alain and making sure he didn?t drink himself into a stupor. Gods know I do not need another night like I had with Dakota, dragging his drunken self out from the freezing cold. A woman there, Mercy, seem very into the idea of Alain jumping back into the saddle and forgetting his troubles. I would not say that I do not agree about moving on, but to just do such a thing so quickly? Shouldn?t the heart be given time to heal if that?s the way things end up going? Perhaps a few years of solitude have helped me mature a little. I know that giving my heart time was never a concept that meant much to me before.

And I will admit to you a weakness. When people are broken-hearted there is often the idea of finding comfort in another. I will not say the idea did not occur to me. It would have done so with or without Mercy?s comments. Even so, Alain is my friend. It would have helped nothing if I had attempted that route. It would have only shamed me again. The hurt such actions might have caused could never be worth the price of letting go if even for a moment.

I told Alain to have courage. The pain he feels can only last so long. Well, perhaps it can linger forever depending on the outcome?but even if it is to fall that Alain and Cassandra cannot work through their different needs, happiness can still be found in the future for them both. I have loved and lost many times and still I am able to find joy in new friendships.

I will hold them both in my thoughts.

Friday, April 4, 2008 ? ((A Few Hours After Midnight))

What would I do without friends?

I?d spend another ten years hiding away from life and all the good and bad things that could happen. Before the bonding, hiding away made sense. If I got out of control, someone else could have gotten hurt. That?s not the case anymore. Now, if things don?t go as planned, it?s only my heart on the line.

I?ve felt so many emotions tonight, up and down. I couldn?t get my heart to slow enough to allow me to sleep so I went to the Red Dragon to seek out Eva. She was there, but the lighthearted conversation I had been thinking of having turned into a festival of doubt instead. While consider the whole side of Alain healing I completely forgot to think about Cassandra. I thought I put things out there too soon between Alain and myself, but it was too late to undo that. I had decided to not regret it.

Truly, I am just kidding myself to think that without telling him he knew nothing of how I felt. I said it myself then, I told him because I didn?t want something to happen between us without him knowing what I wanted. I cannot just be someone used for comfort and then moved on from?at least, not with Alain.

Rena also put another thought into my head. She asked me if I was unsure if I should push for something with Alain or stand back and wait. I already knew it was a bad idea to push, but what I realized is that I am afraid to stand by as well. I am worried that this chance could be missed.

Fate carries us down so many paths. I couldn?t help but wonder if I had already start down the wrong one.

Eva put things into perspective for me.

I never knew angels could be so simple in their ways and appearances. I also I do not know how Eva would take to being called an angel.

I will be?as she said?sunshine panties. I will enjoy and take pleasure and be content to wait and see where this leads.

And if Alain backs off, I should not get down about it. That was the point. It will not be because he regrets kissing me, but because if we are to allow time for this it will be far easier at a slight distance. For every time we get close, I get closer and closer to being unable to hold myself back.

Have I said it?s been too long?

I think I need to investigate the various settings of that high-pressure, detachable showerhead massager.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 ? ((Just After Three in the Morning))

I have sorely been neglecting my writing. Now I feel there is too much to say and I am unsure as to how I will get it all down.

Many days past, I stayed the night at The Silver Mark with Alain. I just slept there. I did not do anything I might later regret. In the early morning hours he came back to the inn with me as breakfast still needed to be served and I didn?t want to keep his people waiting.

That was? Saturday night?

It must have been, the next day Alain attended the first Mass at chapel they built at Esp?rance. I did not attend. I have never been comfortable in church since?

I do not feel like dredging up that memory just now.

Sunday night I met up with Eva at Red Dragon. She was upset, having just found out an old love who wouldn?t marry her when she wanted to marry him is now married. It marred my heart to see her so. But I have to believe that it wasn?t her fault he would not marry her. She said this relationship was before her six years leave of RhyDin. He was married three years ago. Still, the man didn?t have the decency to tell her this fact. I will not forgive him it, even if he is more or less completely silent. Eva found out when the man wife showed up. A horrible way to find out, near a smack to the face? only this was a smack to her heart.

I didn?t see Alain that night. Though, after leaving Eva, I wanted to talk to him. It seemed to me that Eva?s situation held up a mirror to mine at that time? a man moving on. But I am not na?ve to the pain I would cause another if she saw me with him. Alain and Cassandra still were unclear to one another.

I spoke with Silas.

Silas hasn?t fully decided how he feels towards Alain. He views him as being too young and having a hunger for all that life could offer him. He said if physically company was all I sought there would be no problem, but there is great risk in that my body does not come without the price of my heart. He thinks I have rushed into this too quickly, that years of solitude have made me too vulnerable to the kindness others would offer me. He even accused me of hero-worship.

When Alain came back to the inn there was more on my mind then there had been before. My worry over his situation with Cassandra, that he would find another as time passed, that rushing or slowing things did not seem to be the correct response. I thought things would be so much simpler if I could just remain unattached to someone while being with them physically, but the idea of being with a stranger causes my stomach to turn and panic to rise in my throat.

I spoke to Alain.

He asked me to wait for him. He wanted me to wait for him because he knew I loved him. It seems my sleep addled mind spoke these words to him when I stayed at Silver Mark with him. Those words were not untrue? but I hadn?t meant to speak them. But he couldn?t say it in return. He only gave me that love was growing in his heart. I couldn?t give him what he wanted. I couldn?t tell him I would wait for him. I had waited years of my life already and I desired companionship. I told him he had my heart at the moment. What I did not say, but was clear, was that he risked losing it.

It was clear.

Early Tuesday morning, before the sun was even close to rising, he came to me. He said he couldn?t sleep. He had gone to Cassie and broken things off with her officially. Then he told me he loved me.

There is warmth that takes over me when I hear those words, warmth that has nothing to do with the fire in my blood.

Even so, I refrained from falling into his arms and giving him my body.

I think Silas? words haunt me somewhat.

That and the business Alain is up to.

In RhyDin I have to play a role, of some who does not mean anything to Alain.

I did this well last night. I went to the inn. Eva was not there. Alain and Rena were. Alain was leaving. A woman covered in tattoos and with rainbow colored hair with him. I did not ask, I do not plan on asking. I do not want to know.

I spoke with Rena some, was introduced to a man with her. Aerol was his name and he strikes me of being very fond of Rena. It seemed their conversations went better without me, so I excused myself from their company.

Then I met Locke.

An elf with a gift for the element of ice, I was bold enough to approach him and ask if I might try something out. I was curious to try a game I read about that the children of my father?s people play. It is something that helps hone their skills and bond with others. Locke was hesitant at first?more than hesitant I would say. I managed to sway him, however, and the result was? well? fun.

It is hard to describe what I was doing. We were touching hands and with my gift I could allow the energy of his ice into my skin without causing harm. The two powers playing against one another, I managed to create a sensation of licking flames that were cold as ice against his hands.

I could have remained at the inn longer into the night were I not summoned back to the inn, a problem had occurred with the water when someone was toying with magic far above their skill.

RhyDin is a surprisingly small place. I am sure we will meet again.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 ? ((Early Morning))

Ten more days and it would have been a full month without checking in with myself. Where does the time go? Alain is still up to his business, working for men better not further mentioned. Part of his cover involves him playing mate to other woman. I put my trust in him and believe he will not hurt me. Silas remains disgusted but at least he has stopped talking to me about it...mostly.

Locke has been for a visit, several times. Last night we finally made good on the idea to create ice lanterns with living flame visuals within. They are beautiful. I am still amazed at what we were able to create together. Though, I do not think that my pride half compares to that of Locke?s. We made enough, I let him take one back with him along with the bottle of liquor I gifted to him.

It was odd, he questioned me as to why I would give him such a gift and even now I am not completely sure. I told him it was because he was a friend to me, but even the truth in that answer does not seem to cover it. Am I a giving person? These thoughts awaken more questions within me, about my own willingness or need to sacrifice myself for others in one way or another. There?s an itch that echoes deep inside of me, demanding to be scratched. I don?t know what will satiate this undefined but persistent need. Silas is no help, he only told me cryptically that either I would find my answer or my answer would find me.

He is up to something, but I don?t know what.

Eva is gone. She sent me a letter telling me she would be away for a while. This was several days ago, perchance her return approaches. With luck she will come to visit me.

Until then, I wait.