Topic: Colorful Thoughts

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2005-11-28 10:10 EST
11.28.05

I?ve decided to take up writing in a journal again. After all that talk about immortality in the Inn last night, I thought it was a good decision. I don?t want to keep on living and living and forget people and events that are important to me now but might seem insignificant a hundred years down the line.

It had been awhile since I spent some time at the Red Dragon and I?m glad I stopped by last night even though it deprived me of much needed sleep- running after seven kids every day can wear a girl out. I met a very charming, and good-looking, elf whose name I cannot recall for all the magical gold bags in RhyDin. He was nice enough to play along with my flirting game and I am positive that Tara would have been very jealous of his attentions had she been there.

Lenika and Panther were both present; they?re so cute in their affections with each other. Lenika is one of the most comforting people to be around. RhyDin is so saturated with magic and the supernatural and it can be overwhelming even for a creature or magic, like myself. I grew up having to suppress my abilities and surrounded by humans that understood magic and mana but could not control it themselves, that is normalcy for me.

That human man that has been hanging around spoke about how old he was- 10,000. I bet I?ll look even better then he at that age! He made it sound like quite the challenge to get his soul back in order to kill him. I told him that perhaps I?d take it up in a few centuries when I?m bored and maybe I will. Can?t even remember the last time I had a good adventure.

I think I left right on time last night as Alysia started to wield fire. Lovely girl, but fire is something I can only tolerate inside a hearth. Good thing I got home when I did, too- the twins had decided to escape from their rooms and raid the kitchen. They were already half-way through the cookie jar.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2005-12-01 10:23 EST
12.1.05

I saw Mylly at the Inn yesterday and she attacked (totally unprovoked) and gave me a wet willy! Now, I have seen my kids do this to each other after Amanda learned it during her brief stint at RhyDin?s public school. However, I have never had it done unto me. It is a very horrible experience and my ear still feels twitchy! My luck was not so awful because Amthy arrived, so that must counter-balance the badness of this experience. I had not seen my pixie-love is such a long time; it was like a refreshing cool rain in the middle of a drought. Amthy is such a pretty little thing, but I noticed something about Mylly in comparison. Amthy and I won?t deny that we think ourselves undeniably gorgeous but I think Mylly may have beat- her looks are quite different from ours, exotic even by RhyDin standards, but are very attractive. This being the case, we either have to kill her or adopt her as one of our own.

I believe that I got a wee bit tipsy last night. First, it was watching Inara and Gav together and realizing how much I miss spending time with Alex at the Inn. Then I was telling Inara about the children and how the triplets are really my sister?s. She made a comment referring to them as ?donated? and all I could think about was how Cher never would have just given away her children but she died so I had to take them. Thinking of Cher being dead is still painful even though it?s been well over two years. It?s not Inara?s fault, it?s my own inability to put the past behind me. I just can?t imagine living on and on for decades without Cher.

So, I had a few drinks and made them a bit stronger then I usually do. I chatted amiably with Grem for a time and then Alysia came in too. On my way out, I met the most charming man! I probably made a fool of myself trying to get the clasp of my cloak closed but being unable to and he assisted me. I can?t recall what I said to him, though I?m sure if I want to knowing how silly I can get after a few drinks. He said his name was Mr. Africa and I am quite looking forward to meeting him again when I can think straight.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2005-12-10 11:44 EST
12.10.05

Last night I had a nice time discussing potential baby names with Antonio and Kina. Unfortunately, they?re having a little boy and my expertise with boys names is not great. I know some lovely girl names- Esme?. I almost wish I were pregnant again so I could have a little girl and name her?almost.

That awful sword of Maris? was there again. I hate that thing. Miss Sophie and it were making noises together and I felt the need to block that out- I?m not quite sure what was going on.

Tara arrived later in the night, much to my great surprise and pleasure! It has been forever long since I had seen her about and it is just not as much fun being hopelessly silly without her or Amthy. I really do believe that without her presence when I first returned to RhyDin last year I would have remained hopelessly depressed and displaced forever. Coming home to find my family scattered and mostly non-existent was heartbreaking after the trials I had to endure during my absence. Having lively, off-color discussions in the Inn on a nightly basis definitely helped. I think Hanzo and a woman whose name I did not catch were much amused by our discussion of panties.

I have not seen Alysia about and I?m beginning to worry that the fruitcake ate her.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-01-18 09:58 EST
1.18.06

It has been way too long since I wrote in my journal, Charna was writing in hers the other night and made me want to return to mine. Of course, it has been rather hard to write- I have rather severe magical and normal burns on my hands and arms after fighting with that slaver Goroth. It was a distressing fight with people like Keaton, Fayte, Amthy and others becoming involved when they shouldn?t. Not that I made out so well, but I was born-in a way-for such fights. Of course, I have not been training myself in a long time which would explain my excess of injuries. Attack to remember for later: use one of your enemy?s allies as a club to beat them with as Goroth did with Keaton.

I entered the Inn to find such a delightful mix of people last night- Tara, Grem, Amthy, Lenika, Sophie, Keaton and Hanzo (of course). It reminded me of some of the evenings we spent last year, bantering back and forth. Amthy just might be one of the luckiest girls in RhyDin for she got to touch Rory?s bottom. I mentioned the man I had met the other night- Raziel- who had entered the Inn completely naked and then passed out. I had taken a bit of care of him and spoke with him for some time. He was one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen and I cannot say that he did not enamor me.

The problem now on my hands is that Tara asked for Amthy and I to stay away from this man. She provided no explanation, which is bothering in itself, but I cannot so easily dismiss her. As I was explaining to Lenika the other night, there is something I find so trustworthy in Tara. Despite our childish antics and ridiculous banter, I know she has been in RhyDin longer then I have and knows many more people then I could ever dream to know. I trust her opinion but I do so very much want to speak with Raziel again.

Of course, the topic of me being so charmed by this man brought up another, more perpetual, problem of mine- Alex. He is off and gone once again, not that this is anything new in our lives. I cannot put the blame all on him either; I was the one who was gone for two years. He was hardly faithful in that time, going about with that stupid Bloods? chick. Not that I should be unfaithful in return, but a girl does get lonely with seven kids and only casual flirtations at the Inn.

Reminders for self:
-Change all the ?Tara for Miss RhyDin? posters to support
Amthy instead.
-Talk to Sophie when there aren?t so many people about and
get the story of her husband from her, it sounded very
interesting.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-01-24 13:19 EST
1.24.06

I received some disturbing news last night. However, after returning to RhyDin and stumbling through that whole mess with Alex and Lain (note: the latter name is written with certain disdain and is to be read as if it were a curse) I decided no more real theatrics in the Inn for me. I can?t go around sobbing and bemoaning things that I lose or the trouble I find myself in. I am stronger than that, stronger then most would presume me to be- my two years away from RhyDin are proof of that even if no one but myself knows what happened then. I care for my friends a great deal and will protect them in any way that I can.

On a lighter note, Brian was present at the Inn last night. It doesn?t feel real, that I can go out and see him when for so long I felt that I was without my family. Others have joined the ranks of what I consider my family, but Brian will never be replaced as my older brother.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-02-01 10:21 EST
2.1.06

I spent almost the entirety of my time in the Inn last night with Mr. Wil Savage. My, he is dreamy! That scar on his cheek just adds to his good looks, makes him look like a rogue.

Naturally, I?m conflicted. I find myself very attracted to him and very comfortable around him. I know I can handle myself in any amount of situations but I?ve always felt safer with a guy at my side. While I feel Alex is irrevocably bonded to me and I strive to be loyal to that bond, I feel broken without him. Who knows when he?ll come back- if he?ll come back. Casual flirtations do nothing to fix my little aching heart.

It makes me almost livid to think that for two years I pined away for him, desperate to return to RhyDin. When I do, I have to spend months detaching him from that stupid elf-girl. We spend a few weeks being happy together and off he goes! I?m supposed to just wait around after yearning for him then being ignored for some other girl? I?d like to think I have more respect for myself then that.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-02-08 17:47 EST
2.8.06

I am quite at a loss as to what to do about one Mr. Wil Savage. I admit, I find him undeniably charming and increasingly winning my good favor. He has sent me two- count, two!-poetic notes, the second arriving with the most scrumptious chocolates. He?s a good kisser, too.

I just don?t know how to go about being in a relationship anymore. My first relationship with Robin left me scarred and I?ve tried my best to be guarded with my heart since then. Alex has been such a steady presence in my life for years and years, even if he is rarely actually in my life, that the process of beginning a relationship is now foreign to me. Not that my relationship with Alex was?is anything to use as a guide. Insufferable men! I was ever so content to go about flirting with every male in my sight and Wil had to come along and get my feelings involved. Bothersome, handsome man.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-02-15 09:52 EST
2.15.06

I got into a bit of a fight with Maris, Que?s cousin, last night. I was livid at the time, though I think I covered it well enough to have some fun with the girlies afterwards. I just am astonished that he would dare insinuate that I am an immoral woman. He compared me to his whore-ish wives who all left him. Perhaps he should just stop marrying whores! But to say that I am on the same level of the disgusting hussies is totally out of line. As much as I want to ignore the subject of Alex, lately, I can?t get away from it. I don?t even know the number of times he has broken our marriage vows over the years- keeping count is petty and would sicken me if I thought about it. Yet I, through a few chaste kisses, am condemned to be a prostitute? I think not.

I have not had an arch nemesis in a long time, stupid of Maris to open his big mouth and set himself up to be one. I do not hate him, for I have reserved that emotion for extreme circumstances long ago, but I detest his very being. For him to dare to speak on something he has no knowledge of, no understanding of-my absence from RhyDin for two years-is inexcusable. His assumptions make him the biggest of fools.

On a lighter note, the girls and I had quite a nice dance about the Inn. The sprite-ling fixed up Lenika?s hair and she just looked to die for.

Oh oh oh! And how dare Maris say a thing about me breaking my wedding vows when Que had tried to get me to do the same! I bet if he knew his saintly cousin had been involved in such a deed he would have kept his stupid mouth shut.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-02-20 23:45 EST
2.20.06

I needed to walk out of the Inn tonight- just got up and walked out. I don?t know what was going on between Nick and Tara, it could have been an innocent conversation. I didn?t like the way he looked at her; I tasted bile in the back of my throat. That probably sounds crazy. I like Nick, or like what I know of him and liked him when I?ve spoken with him. Maybe it was just his stance?bad memories and all.

I felt so angry I saw red. There was no direction for it, no one to pin it on. Then there?s always the overwhelming sadness that accompanies that anger. I?ll never be rid of it. I love being so vague.

What it really comes down to is I saw myself standing in Tara?s place looking up into familiar brown eyes that will plague my nightmares forever. Faeries aren?t supposed to have nightmares. How can I not? I see him glaring down at me, telling me what to do. And I did it. Time and again. What a stupid pawn.

I pretend it never happened, that none of it ever happened. I?ve always been Jewell Ravenlock. There is no Jewell before the one that exists now. Lies and fallacy! The littlest things bring everything back, not that I ever truly forget. It makes me so very angry. If I didn?t walk out I probably would have hurt someone, probably myself. That?s the way things usually go.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-02-22 10:05 EST
2.22.06

All this talk of manipulation and blackmail last night made my skin crawl. Sometimes I can?t handle thinking about what happened. It was all a bad dream, wasn?t it? But it can?t be because I have the scars-mental, physical, emotional-to prove it. Fortunately, such bad experiences have not ruined my sex life. Can you imagine? Then I?d be really pissed.

I?ve worried myself sick thinking this all over. Manipulation is cruel. He wrapped me around his little finger with sweet words the first time. When that no longer worked, it was blackmail and an iron fist. I lost two years of my life in RhyDin because of that, I can?t even begin to add up what else I lost beforehand- innocence, sanity, a life. I won?t think about that last- I can already feel the pain in my stomach as if it was still black with bruises after all these years.

I disgust myself, wallowing in my pain. There are things to be done! I have to go find a gnome.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-03-25 11:41 EST
3.25.06

It?s been a while, but last night was bad enough to warrant a journal entry. I finally got to have my talk with Tara! It?s been long enough since Keaton told me about the mess about Charna and Talomar and so on. I?ve been at a complete loss as to what to do, despite saying that I had everything in my very capable hands. What was I supposed to do? ?Sorry, Tara. I know you?re my best friend but in defense of our other good friend I just may have to raise a small mob against your future husband.? I don?t think so.

Not that I thought he would really do anything to Charna, the odds were like .0001% that he would in my mind- if that. I trust Tara; trust that she wouldn?t let that happen. Maybe others don?t know her well enough to have that trust yet. It obviously would have all been solved a lot sooner if I had acted quicker, spoken with Tara sooner. Not like that?s an easy task sometimes, Talomar has been around her every night I?ve seen her and that just speaks of disaster, ?Tara, come speak with me on the porch for a moment.? Ten minutes later, she?s screaming bloody murder, he comes out and more screaming with me stuck in the damn middle. Not that I wanted to tell her at all, it was just a necessary evil.

Of course, the way we discussed it last night wasn?t exactly the way it has played out in my head before hand- for the last three weeks, no less. I cringe to think how the rest of this is going to go because it could get messy and I already feel like I have a perpetual headache. Why do I get to be the bearer of bad news? First, telling Charna about the wedding and then this. Where has Chicken Avenger been? I really should demand a vacation.

And speaking of Charna, from what that dude that was looking at me weird said she could possibly be in the hands of Varick. So, that?s what I spent the rest of my night doing, trying to get information about Varick. It was rather futile; he?s been quiet enough in his dirty deeds not to excite enough attention. Shame.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-04-05 10:23 EST
4.05.06

Stressed enough? I really should write in this thing more often because I?m going to read back in it one day and be confused because of all the gaps. Quick recap:
-Tara and Talomar got married.
-Charna was there and I still have no idea what happened with Varick.
-Brian was fighting a lot with this lady Renna.
-Renna gets someone to try and kill me.
-Brian goes after Renna and used Darkin?s Gauntlet.
-I now am in care of the Gauntlet.
-Everyone is bent out of shape about the whole ?Tara and Talomar want to take over RhyDin? idea.
-Some guy, Trav or something, has returned to RhyDin and reopened the Chained Inn.

With all that, I?m just under an itsy bitsy bit of stress. Actually, I think I?m going to start pulling my hair out soon. People want to know what I?m going to do about it, how I?m going to deal with all this. Understandable seeing as how I am not for slavery, have never been for it, and yet my best friend is the inheritor of the SA. To me, that is not the main problem here. I trust Tara completely. I am worried how others will try and get between our friendship and make it problematic. It feels like they want me to answer for her actions.

Everyone should just sit back and watch the show. Why make a big deal out of assumptions? Who has any idea of what really is going to happen? It could be very different from the way people want (or don?t want) things to happen.

I feel like I may have given Kristia the wrong idea with my questions about the Chained Inn last night. I really am curious about this Trav and if he is going to cause trouble. I?m certainly not plotting anything.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-04-06 18:00 EST
4.06.06

I don?t know why I?m missing Cher so much today. The anniversary of her death was two months ago- February 27th. I can?t believe its been four years, refuse to believe. How have I gone on so long without my sister? The triplets are a living reminder of her, of what I lost.

I think I feel her loss keenly when things get tough. She was always so strong. There was not beating around the bush for Cher, just straight to the point with a brazen attitude. I want her back to tell me to stop dwelling on killing that man. She?d tell me it was a necessary evil and rather him then me. Then she?d probably buy me a drink.

Celfina Cher. Saucy and loyal, a spitfire with a biting tongue. She taught me how to sway my hips when I walk, to smile in a way that was guaranteed to leave men wanting more, to respect myself and let no man keep me down. What would I be without her?
Mother, sister, best of friends.

One person will never be able to replace her. Tara has that die-hard loyalty. Issy has that attitude and strong willed personality. Charna plays old games with me regarding men. Amthy?hah! My dear heart is wholly wonderful in her own way and so very unlike Cher.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-04-16 23:02 EST
4.16.06

I saw that delightful little Elvin girl again; the one who always has flowers and dances about. She makes me want to dance to the music I hear when the rain falls or in the violent wind. I set the lovely daffodil she gave me next to my bed in water and I hope it stays for a long time- it reminds me of simpler, older things in the world that one cannot help but smile about.

Sometimes I think I should go back home, find my kin in Faerie, and never return. I could lose myself there in that place where time is not the same. I cannot imagine it being a bad life there. My mother?s family is of a house of some importance, not enough to make life too horribly political I think. Who knows? It?s been ever so long, at least in my skewed view. I think of time so much like a mortal would. How crushed will I be one day, at fifty or sixty, to realize that I am a child and have that long road stretched before me. These thoughts are often with me; I?ve probably repeated them here before with this pen and its silly furry pink froo-froo top.

Another familiar face I saw was that of Talitha- Tara?s ?Hawk Eyes.? The Watcher has been absent for quite some time in this world. I don?t believe I?ve ever said more to her then an ?hello? now and again over the course of many years now. I wonder what goes on in her head with all that she sees.

Events have been calm, or perhaps I just haven?t been in town enough to know what?s going on. What happened to all the threats of hostile take over? Did I miss the big event?

The Duels came back to the Inn last Wednesday and I had myself a go at the Swords. I lost rather horribly but it was more then interesting. I?m going to go observe Fists with Kalinda on Tuesday since my interest has now been thoroughly aroused. How have I ignored that world of Duels for so long when it is in my blood to fight?

I?m being watched again.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-04-19 10:01 EST
4.19.06
Yesterday ?Lex left me the sweetest note before he left the house in the morning with Moradin. He even wrote me a poem! I would write him one but my talent has never been in prose (or in writing at all!).

The bond between Alex and Moradin is cute, its kind of the way that Amanda and I are together only Moradin is a bit too young to be his shopping pal still. I worry that the other boys might feel excluded- I have to start planning a day to spend with each of them and the girls (seven days a week + seven children=busy Jewell!).

Instead of going to the Inn last night, I headed on over to the OutBack for the Duel of Fists. It was pretty fun! I got my butt kicked again but at least it was in the pool with Kalinda. I also got to see Skyler get hit in the groin with a beer bottle by this man Anubis. I think he?s the same guy I read about in Tara?s diary (hmm?do diaries communicate? Is my diary going to tell her diary that I read it?). I was going to ask her about it when I dropped by the Inn after my duel but she was not-Tara. She also wasn?t any of the personalities I recognized, how many does she have?

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-05-17 16:13 EST
5.17.06

I feel like my life will never be all-together; it?s always going to be one big mess and I?ll never have control. I don?t have control right now. Amthy is missing; there is no denying it now. Miles sparked our initial fears and I spent all yesterday and the evening before in the pouring rain, searching the woods for any sign of her. I spoke to the elements, to the flowers and plants to the best of my untrained ability and Amthy was not to be found. She hadn?t shown up last night when I retired to the Inn, cold and empty feeling. I miss Ammy.

Comfort came to me in the form of Skyler last night. Instead of trading insults, we conversed and ended up at some point on a couch in each other?s arms. Should I be disgusted with myself in regards to my dealings with men? I?m a married woman, yet is Alex ever around? I confess feelings for Wil Savage. I think I would have been content to trade kisses with Skyler last night if I had not been weary to the bone. I?m confused. If I were mortal, I know I should be past this stage of kissing boys and playing the flirt but I?m not. My mind is conditioned to think, live and love like one but its not my reality, its not what is in my very-fairy heart.

Let us not forget that I have a tail. They didn?t not follow me through my search in the woods the other night, I?m too good at passing through the shadows, quick as silver, to be followed there by anyone not of a similar nature. Therefore, lets rule out all the fey. They took up the chase when I reentered town again and I thought I caught a glimpse of a tall figure in the shadows. Of course, that doesn?t make sense because the last time I thought I saw someone they were quite short. How many people are following me? This is unnerving, at best.

JewellRavenlock

Date: 2006-05-18 18:35 EST
It?s to be noted that today Jewell?s usual flowing script is not nearly as neat nor did she write in straight lines.
5.18.06

I?m supposed to be napping so I can do my shift later but my head just won?t shut up and I just vomited up some tequila because I hadn?t eaten anything all day.

I spent an amazing night with Skyler last night. It doesn?t make any sense because we didn?t get along till the other day and now we?re all over each other. He makes me feel sweet and special, like something to be treasured and handled with care. He gets me. How can he look at me and read through all the nonsense I project? He sees through the fa?ade I built so carefully to protect myself from others, to protect others from me.

It?s like every time I decide I have to give up on Alex and get close to someone else, he comes prancing back into my life bringing with him all the obligations that I feel towards him. He is my husband and I want to hate him. It?s like Robin all over again, without the abuse. I came back ready to give everything and he just keeps going away. He has his reasons but it comes to the point where it hurts too much to care anymore.

I?m breaking apart and I need someone to hold me together. This kid comes in with his nasty remarks and his nice hair and how the hell do I get myself wrapped up in these situations? My head hurts. In the Inn with Skyler and Alex was just about the worst time ever spent. I?m an awful girl. I don?t want to hurt people anymore but I want to stop hurting. I want to tell Alex that he makes me cry more then he makes me smile now. I want the room to stop spinning. I want Amthy to show up. I smiled at Skyler last night and I meant it and it felt good.