Dear Diary,

I'm very tired of people saying I died. Not everyone says it, but they think it. I go tromping around and Neano and some of the woofs look at me suspicious like it's a sign that Willie is coming back. Of course they don't do it when 'Rora is around. They ask me where I was. I don't know (or remember) where I was, but I think I would know if I was dead.

Cayt bought me this pretty little book. It has its own lock and key, and no one can open it but me. I guess someone could break it open, but I would notice! She said I should write down my thoughts, and that it might help me. It has been a trying seven-day for all of us.

The first thing I recall clearly is being at a tea party at the Clubhouse. I was very dirty from making mud pie. Jewelle and Tarah were there and so was Vicky and a man. Viki wasn't there with the man, he sort of just appeared out of nowhere. A party is always better when there is a man present. He even ate the pie I made. He seemed to enjoy it. I will have to make him another one the first chance I get.

Dear Diary,

Miles took me out again last night. This time it was to the Dragon, and I felt nervous. I met a few new people. They are friends of Miles. I can only put it here, but I dare not say it to anyone EVER. I felt jealous of those girls. There was an easy, relaxed sort of feeling when they spoke to Miles. I still feel clumsy and being out in public makes me feel...I dunno out-of-place. I never thought I would say such a thing, but I have. Trae-Bubble-Girl was there. Such a pretty girl she is growing up to be. She made her hair green and black, and said she wanted to be like me when she grew up. It was so very nice to hear. I think I try too hard now. I need to relax. Perhaps, I should take in a day at the spa. I can already imagine those hot lil rocks melting away the tension in my back. Jewell was there, too, but I don't know that she would want to go to the spa with me. I'll ask anyway. She might fancy a seaweed wrap.

Anyway, I've noticed something. Miles and I have moved on past hand kisses and cheek kisses to lip kisses. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is when he drops me off at Ardane and I'm not sure if I want him to stop! But he does, and then he leaves me at the door like a gentleman caller should. It's awfully frustrating. I don't know how much more of it I can stand.

Dear Diary,

I wish I could say that I have not been writing because so much has happened that I simply forgot. I think 'simply forgot' is probably the best reason I can give. I have been busy, but in a different sort of way. Writing this my cheeks ache because I am smiling so hard. Miles has been the perfect suitor. He makes a point of seeing me every day, if only for a little while. Each time I rest mine eyes upon him, I feel the fondness inside me grow. This is the way it should be for the rest of time.

Kitty is having a birthday party. I am sure it will be quite the crush. Miles took me to see Hunny to have a dress made for the event. Kitty said she was going to wear a dress. I cannot wait to see it. I am sure she will be very charming no matter what she wears, but I still cannot wait to see what sort of dress Kitty picks.

Dear Diary,

Nearly a month has past since I returned to Ardane. Some of the unease I feel is passing away. I think I can say the same about the people who live here. The Hishn have stopped making weird signs at me and the girls are comfortable. I still have an escort, but I do not mind. Cayt has her reasons, and they are just as good now as they were when she first insisted I go everywhere with someone. I am glad that I was able to win over so many people to my way of thinking. My life is starting to settle back into what it once was, and that makes me happy.

Summer is nearly over. Only another month before it's gone. I need to talk to Tarah and Gewelle about having some sort of party at the clubhouse. Maybe we could have another charity event? I will have to make a list of ideas. I would not want to go unprepared.

Dear Diary,

Kitty did have her birthday party yestereve. There was a yummy cake and even yummier mead! Even if my head hurts just thinking about the mead. Miles gave me a thurgid to make it stop, but still the idea of it makes me feel icky. Kitty looked positively lovely in her dress. She wore green. Miles wore gold and green--well and black and white--and I wore gold and amber. At least we all coordinated. I am glad I did not wear green on accident!

I am to go over to Ardane today. I wonder if Cayt will take me to the festivale (I heard there was one at the edge of old town near the wood)? I shall have to try very hard to convince her. I am sure the girls would like to go, that should help! I wonder, should I invite Miles now or should I wait until Cayt says yes?

Dear Diary,

I think I will not ever recopy my travel journal into this one. I keep wishing to, but I never make the time. I wish I had kept up more with this one, because so many things have happened. I will recount what I remember and see what comes from that.
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Last month I began to notice that Miles had a pash for another girl. It was hard not to notice. He pursued her diligently and she eventually caved in to his charm. He tells me that he sees Bijou in her. I am not all together sure since this girl is like a wounded bird. Maybe Bijou was too but I never noticed. I loved Bijou very much and so did Miles. I like this new girl, but it is not the same. She does not love us. Bijou at least loved us. I thought I would have to give them distance, Miles and his pash. I was surprised when she took steps to deliberately involve me. She started to see someone new not terribly long after. We only ever wanted her to be happy. This new boy seems to make her happy so meeting someone new was best. In a way I am glad she did. She seemed like the sort that would have broken our hearts. Not on purpose, but she would have anyway.

Elie's harvest festival took place during all of this. It was very fun! There was a fancy dress party. I wore my peahen feathers. I met a very nice girl, my Dear Lady Moon, during the cross-gender day. She is quiet and kind. It covers up an adventurous streak. I confess; I am taken with her. She has been spending a good bit of time at the Manor. Her and Kitty both. Kitty already has a room there, so we offered one to my Dear Lady Moon. Oh! And there was an auction. I was surprised to find that Thorm bought me. I found out on Kiss Day. That is my new favorite holiday. There is so much happiness in a kiss. That is probably why I like to do it so much. There was a carnivale, too. I won a fish that I named Pear. My poor Pear! I lost him. I think he must be very lonely and afraid. I want my fishy back. It has been so long, I fear the worst.

Gewell and I dueled together in the mud. She won, but that is okay. I had fun and that is all that matters. We might duel again at the start of this next seven-day. I am not sure yet. I also met a Baron from the Duels. I cannot remember which one. I call him Talanadoor but everyone else calls him Nort. He has a dreadfully long name that I cannot remember. He is very charming, and better yet; he has a warehouse full of luxuries! We are supposed to meet over lunch to negotiate. He pinky swore that if he was ever at my end of the Docks he would take me. I was afraid that he would forget. We have two lunch dates and a brunch planned. I fear that by the time we finally have lunch all his luxuries will be sold. I would be terribly sad if that was true.

Dear Diary,

Miles and I had a little disagreement about Tara moving in and him moving out. Cayt and Chryrie both said I should have expected it, but how could I have? Was what I did truly so wrong? I just thought he would like living with Magister better than living with all of use girls. Besides, Magister's cottage is still here on the property. I left to go live with Tara. I want her to be happy so badly! Maybe if I am there, it will not be so bad. But I did get a new pet named Garret. I am not sure what he is exactly.

I tried to find Tara's swamp, but I got lost. It was so dark and scary! But I am getting a head of myself. I dueled again, but this time with Wyh. They have a rule against dueling the same person twice in a row. Next seven-day I can duel Jewell again. I lost again, but I do not mind. I am not a fighter.

Oh! I cannot forget to note this down. Amadan came into the inn this evening. It was wonderful. I missed the Fool, but I hadn't an idea how much until I did see him. I hope he will stay in town for a spell. Anyway, after I got lost I went to Ardane. Tomorrow I will try and find Tara's cottage again.

Dear Diary,

I went to Wyh and James' wedding last night. I did cry like a baby after the ceremony. I drank a teeny bit too much. I do remember that I spent time talking with a few members of James' crew. We left the party together. His name started with a 'T'. I did not get back to Ardane until late. It was morning, but still dark out.

I am running out of things to wear at Ardane. I wish me and Miles were not having a fussy moment, then I could go back to the Manor. Tara was at the wedding, but I forgot to ask her how to get to her swamp cottage. I am going to try going to the Chateau and see what is left up there.

P.S. I think he was called Turmoil.

Dear Diary,

Oh, I love the Helston House! Kitty and Chryrie made me a room all my own--even if I tend to spend more time in Kitty's. I saw Gem. We had a longlong talk and it was glorious. We both were a little emotional, but considering what she told me afterward, it was best that we got on even footing. I am helping Gem with her wedding. We have already found the dress. I just adore what Charlie and I are going to be wearing. I am on pins!

Dear Diary,

I have not seen Miles in a spell. I suppose he has truly gone to Lavinor as he said he would. Not that I ever really doubted that. I miss him so. I have been writing him letters. I am not even sure of when he left, or if he has even left yet, but I sent the letters on anyway. I wonder if he will get them. A part of me hopes not.

Dear Diary,

I am so excited about Gem's upcoming nuptials. I went and made an appointment with one of the local bakeries for a cake testing. Now, I just need to get Gem and Patch to find time to come with me. That reminds me, I need to make arrangments to meet Charlie, Gem's other honor guard/bridesmaid. I do not know her sizes!

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Dear Diary,

I shall always remember yesterday. It was a perfect day; a splendid day. The second day of the New Year will always be cherished and celebrated. Miles came home. I was so worried that he would not. I sent word today to Gem that he is back in port. She extended us an invitation to dinner at the Castle. I am looking forward to it, but I am a little concerned. I hope Miles does not say anything he should not.

Dear Diary,

I met with Gem again yesterday. We talked more about the wedding. I love seeing her this happy. We discussed the reception this time. I confess, though I was delighted to be in her company, I was eager to go home. I rushed there as soon as we were finished. All things considered, I do not think Cayt minds that I have stayed the last few days at the Manor instead of at Ardane.

More things I cannot forget:

* Patch wants spaghetti at the reception.

Dear Diary,

I saw my dear Lady Moon again last night. She is incredibly sweet. She had been working on a chocolate candy shaped like my lips. Last night she brought the result into the inn. They were positively scrumptious. It was nice to have her in the Manor again. I also did see my Sweet Cheeks last night. We are on good terms again, which makes me very happy. He has been my best friend, and I have missed that near as much as I have missed him. Hopefully, this time, things will work out better than they did before.

Dear Diary,

I saw him again, but this time I managed to keep most of my senses about me. Most of them, not all of them! I never did know that 'plaid donuts' could be so...provocative! And then he disappeared. Kitty says it's just the way he is. I know that, but 'just the way he is' is flustering just the way I am. But I was proud of myself for my overall restraint with my hott pash. It was worth at least an eight for style.

The most perplexing thing happened to Kitty afterward. I cannot even begin to explain it. I was afraid and worried. Tara held me and kept me protected. I love her so very much! She told me a lovely story about Snowbell and ball and a woman named Sue. I fell asleep listening to her voice. I slept very well.

Oh! Sid gave me the most smashing pretties, too. She said they would protect me, but I did not fully investigate what that did mean. I will have to ask next time I do see her.

Dear Diary,

Last night was quite distressing. Tara did drink so much that she was vomitting all over the Dragon. Eventually, she confided that she and the Count had been fighting. It makes me sad to see her that way. Sweet Cheeks was at the Dragon, too. His truck glows blue! Unfortunately, it is not alive, but it does have a name, Bear. That is the kind of name that makes me want to squeeze something. I made a new friend. Her name is Lyrah. She likes birds just like me. I thought she would make a smashing Blade. She gave me her direction so I could send her the papers.

People Who Do Not Glow Blue (that I noticed):
-Gav
-Tera
-Brian
-Selena
-Kitty (again)

People Who Might Glow Blue:
-Sweet Cheeks (cause of his truck, Bear)

Dear Diary,

Today is love day. I do not think I have ever successfully celebrated this day. At least not on the actual day. I think today I will just sit in and drink tea and be lazy. I do not think I with even put on real clothing today. I will wear my fluffy robe and rest beneath the sun. I like to see how it makes the snow sparkle. I do not mind that it makes my eyes and head hurt if I look too long. It seems so strange to me that it should do that. Why does it do that? I have no answer in my own head. Or maybe I should reflect on love. I have a sinking suspicion that such a course of action would make me sad. Maybe, I will not do that today after all.

Dear Diary,

This evening I had a revelation. It was one I would have preferred not to have. We had a Blade gathering, and I was late, but that is neither here nor there. I was so happy to be around my friends. It was not exactly the social club?s business that brought light to my clouded eyes, but it was the setting. My friends are growing away from me. They are changing right before my eyes and I feel like a puzzle piece that was thrown into the wrong box. We all used to fit so perfectly together, but now it seems that they have to try so hard to keep room for me. My dearest friends, they are each going through so much, yet it is not my ear any of them seek. They have shielded me so thoroughly from their troubles that I am an acquaintance. I do not even deserve the privilege of being called a friend. Mayhap, it is only natural to grow apart. I know I have grown distant from people I named friend before. That does not stop it from being painful. Jewell seems so sad and I do not even know the reason why. The only answer I seem worthy enough to receive is that she is having a bad day. Tara only confided the one time about her troubles with her husband after she had been drinking so much that she vomited all over the bar and floor. Kitty seems so preoccupied that it seems torture at times to inflict my company upon her. In my own way, I have kept things from them as well, but it is hard to let a person know all about me when they try so hard to keep me from knowing about them. I know I have not been around as much as I used to. I do not even know where to begin to repair the damages. I guess that I have known these things much longer than just tonight. I have let myself ignore them. I do not think I can any longer. What is left for me to do? I can think of nothing. Nothing at all.

Dear Diary,

I do not like to be scared. I have been afraid before. I have dim recollections of my time spent Underhill. It was an unsettling time, but nothing nearly as alarming as this current turmoil. There is a conflict in the city. People are dying. Cayt was right. The only sensible thing we can do is stay at Ardane. We have the girls to think about. We will stay here until it is safe. I hope no harm comes to any of my friends that decide to remain in the city. I fear for Kitty in this time. Her new position demands so much from her. She may be strong and brave, but I hope that does not blind her to her own limitations.