Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice
Do not adjust your sets. Your eyes do not deceive you. Barbie?s back, boys and girls, and this is the first column in a new series brought to you by the absolute geniuses at the Gossip GangStar featuring fabulous advice from none other than me ? Barbie, the multiverse?s most amazing beauty and fashion icon!
I?ll give you a minute to finish squealing with joy.
I cannot wait to share my wealth of experience and knowledge with you, my beloved and adoring fans. Everything is fair game ? life, love, sex, religion, politics, money ? if it matters to you, I have an opinion about it!
This week?s story is a sure contender for a little contest I am going to be holding at the end of the year that I am tentatively calling The Ten Stupidest Things People Have Done in RhyDin in 2012. It?s a fun one. So sit back, relax, pour yourself another Cosmo and listen to your life coach, me, as I point out mistakes others have made so you can learn from their sad, sad example and avoid disaster!
It?s going to be fun!
Once upon a time, is how I believe these things usually start out, only, this was a little over a week ago and it really happened. I?m going to change the names to protect the idiotic. Any resemblance to real situations or people, living or dead, is completely intentional and if you think I?m talking about you, it means you probably were this stupid and you need to straighten up. Got it?
Anyway, on this particular evening I was in the arena, sipping a Vodka Collins and talking to Intern Sassy Pants on my cell phone about the matches when this little scene literally unfolded before my eyes. A person of the male persuasion, who we will call Snort, was lolling around with a lady friend and being your basic poser bo-hunk, making positively nauseating lovey-dovey noises at her. Don?t get me wrong, I like a little romance as much as the next woman, but girls, when your man is talking to you in public like he?s Fabio stepping off of the cover of Love?s Undefiled Sucker, he?s either a Jonas Brother or seeing another girl behind your back. Life Lesson Numero Uno there, Lexus.
I was about to do my civic duty and start mocking him when a spicy little number named Pal strolled up and challenged him to a duel. It immediately got my attention because ? as Intern Sassy Pants was quick to point out when I told her who it was ? every woman with a pulse in RhyDin wants to paint those skin-tight pants on him in the morning with her tongue. So I did what any of you would do (and don?t you dare deny it!) ? I settled in for a little innocent voyeurism and ordered another drink.
What happened next nearly shocked my Manolos right off my feet. They get in the ring. They face off. And Snort says to Pal, and I quote: ?Winner gets Lexus??
Oh. Em. Gee.
I probably don?t have to tell you that he lost that bet. When you moon the Fates like that, you?re going to get spanked. Hard. Listen to me boys. This is Life Lesson Numero Dos: Do not bet your date on the outcome of a sporting event or any other competition. You will lose, even if you win. Case in point, Lexus, who cozied up to Pal after the match and left with him like she just won a round of Dream Date and got to pick the hottie of her choice from the pieces on the board. Solid move. I probably would have done the same thing if I were stupid enough to get myself involved with a man who would do that to begin with, which I most certainly am not. But let?s be perfectly honest here. I?m a pretty good observer of human nature and she might have gotten a little dig in on Snort by doing that, but it was like watching a girl throw an Oscar de la Renta couture ball gown in the Dragon Overpopulation Relief Fund dumpster because she saw someone else wearing a knock-off. No one wins, people. No one wins.
Except maybe Pal, who got to take a Lexus for a test drive while Snort was paying for the insurance.
So what do we take from this little cautionary tale? Ladies first:
1. Don?t date losers.
2. Don?t date losers who are willing to wager you on a stupid fight.
And fellas? If you are deficient enough to risk the affections of a girl who is willing to be seen in public with your hands on any part of her anatomy ? for any reason ? don?t do it with a notorious (and HAWT) male ho-bag like Pal. If you do, you deserve everything that happens to you afterwards. I hope they use a really big needle.
That?s it for this time, kiddies. Send those cards and letters in to me ? Barbie ? at the Gossip GangStar. And remember. You can be whatever you want to be. Just like me!
Love and kisses,
Barbie
Barbie is a multi-dimensional superstar and creator of Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice, as well as RhyDin Post Bestselling author of Real Girls Wear Pink and Barbie?s Little Black Book of Little White Lies. She has a medical degree from Mattel University, and was the Chairwoman of the President?s Council on Physical Fitness for five consecutive terms.
Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice is not intended to replace any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. You, and only you, are responsible for your choices. Barbie and the Gossip GangStar accept no liability for any situation in your life occurring at any point along the space-time continuum. In other words? Grow a pair.
Do not adjust your sets. Your eyes do not deceive you. Barbie?s back, boys and girls, and this is the first column in a new series brought to you by the absolute geniuses at the Gossip GangStar featuring fabulous advice from none other than me ? Barbie, the multiverse?s most amazing beauty and fashion icon!
I?ll give you a minute to finish squealing with joy.
I cannot wait to share my wealth of experience and knowledge with you, my beloved and adoring fans. Everything is fair game ? life, love, sex, religion, politics, money ? if it matters to you, I have an opinion about it!
This week?s story is a sure contender for a little contest I am going to be holding at the end of the year that I am tentatively calling The Ten Stupidest Things People Have Done in RhyDin in 2012. It?s a fun one. So sit back, relax, pour yourself another Cosmo and listen to your life coach, me, as I point out mistakes others have made so you can learn from their sad, sad example and avoid disaster!
It?s going to be fun!
Once upon a time, is how I believe these things usually start out, only, this was a little over a week ago and it really happened. I?m going to change the names to protect the idiotic. Any resemblance to real situations or people, living or dead, is completely intentional and if you think I?m talking about you, it means you probably were this stupid and you need to straighten up. Got it?
Anyway, on this particular evening I was in the arena, sipping a Vodka Collins and talking to Intern Sassy Pants on my cell phone about the matches when this little scene literally unfolded before my eyes. A person of the male persuasion, who we will call Snort, was lolling around with a lady friend and being your basic poser bo-hunk, making positively nauseating lovey-dovey noises at her. Don?t get me wrong, I like a little romance as much as the next woman, but girls, when your man is talking to you in public like he?s Fabio stepping off of the cover of Love?s Undefiled Sucker, he?s either a Jonas Brother or seeing another girl behind your back. Life Lesson Numero Uno there, Lexus.
I was about to do my civic duty and start mocking him when a spicy little number named Pal strolled up and challenged him to a duel. It immediately got my attention because ? as Intern Sassy Pants was quick to point out when I told her who it was ? every woman with a pulse in RhyDin wants to paint those skin-tight pants on him in the morning with her tongue. So I did what any of you would do (and don?t you dare deny it!) ? I settled in for a little innocent voyeurism and ordered another drink.
What happened next nearly shocked my Manolos right off my feet. They get in the ring. They face off. And Snort says to Pal, and I quote: ?Winner gets Lexus??
Oh. Em. Gee.
I probably don?t have to tell you that he lost that bet. When you moon the Fates like that, you?re going to get spanked. Hard. Listen to me boys. This is Life Lesson Numero Dos: Do not bet your date on the outcome of a sporting event or any other competition. You will lose, even if you win. Case in point, Lexus, who cozied up to Pal after the match and left with him like she just won a round of Dream Date and got to pick the hottie of her choice from the pieces on the board. Solid move. I probably would have done the same thing if I were stupid enough to get myself involved with a man who would do that to begin with, which I most certainly am not. But let?s be perfectly honest here. I?m a pretty good observer of human nature and she might have gotten a little dig in on Snort by doing that, but it was like watching a girl throw an Oscar de la Renta couture ball gown in the Dragon Overpopulation Relief Fund dumpster because she saw someone else wearing a knock-off. No one wins, people. No one wins.
Except maybe Pal, who got to take a Lexus for a test drive while Snort was paying for the insurance.
So what do we take from this little cautionary tale? Ladies first:
1. Don?t date losers.
2. Don?t date losers who are willing to wager you on a stupid fight.
And fellas? If you are deficient enough to risk the affections of a girl who is willing to be seen in public with your hands on any part of her anatomy ? for any reason ? don?t do it with a notorious (and HAWT) male ho-bag like Pal. If you do, you deserve everything that happens to you afterwards. I hope they use a really big needle.
That?s it for this time, kiddies. Send those cards and letters in to me ? Barbie ? at the Gossip GangStar. And remember. You can be whatever you want to be. Just like me!
Love and kisses,
Barbie
Barbie is a multi-dimensional superstar and creator of Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice, as well as RhyDin Post Bestselling author of Real Girls Wear Pink and Barbie?s Little Black Book of Little White Lies. She has a medical degree from Mattel University, and was the Chairwoman of the President?s Council on Physical Fitness for five consecutive terms.
Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice is not intended to replace any financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. You, and only you, are responsible for your choices. Barbie and the Gossip GangStar accept no liability for any situation in your life occurring at any point along the space-time continuum. In other words? Grow a pair.