?Dear Barbie,
I have always loved you, dearest Barbie, from the moment my parents presented me with Malibu Barbie, and that luxurious play house, with the magic suntan and stickers, and Nana crocheted me so many beautiful gowns and dresses for you, and we played for hours and hours, I even had Skipper and Miko and Stacey and we had so much fun!
Well, that was of course before my parents feared and hated me as my daemonic nature surfaced in my eyes, turning one crystal blue and the other mysterious emerald green. A strange mark rose between my shoulder blades which would turn my life upside down in so many horrible ways. Because I was truly the childe of a prince of hell and angel of heaven.
But now I am in desperate straits, and if only you could help me! My beloved has discovered that I am also a vampire and he is a vampire hunter ? but our love will not be denied! He is also a were-wolf, and an ancient demon of pain resides in his soul.
To make matters worse, my mentor and first love has risen from the dead, or torpor, and upon hearing of my engagement, promptly kidnapped my twin sons! They aren't his, though he believes they are, they are actually sired by the mysterious man I met while grieving my mentor's arranged marriage to some annoying elf girl, not that it lasted long, hah!
But anyhow, the mysterious man I know only by the name of SINISTER made mad, passionate love to me and left me with twin sons with his beautiful red eyes ? but he stole my soul when he left, and I know if I ever were to see him again, I would be once more ensorceled by his carnal wants and appetites.
I write you now imprisoned in the tower of my fiance's brother, a vile, disgusting, decieptful man who wants only to despoil my purity of body and heart, and I am clinging to the most slender of threads to fend off his horrible advances upon me, praying with each moment that my beloved rescue me before I become yet another victim to his brother's filthy lusts!
My problem is, if only you can help me with it, my fiance's brother INSISTS on hanging the toilet paper OVER the roll, when it so CLEARLY should be UNDER the roll. How can I make him see reason?! How can he even pretend to think I'd have anything to do with a beast like that? Please help, dear Barbie, remember our wonderful play times together!
Yours,
Natasha Emerauld Tuatha Danon.
Mistress of Nightfall
Angel of Life.
Devourer of Souls.?
Sweet, adorable little Desdenova eyed his note, making sure a few words were misspelled here and there, then he emailed it to a school friend. She painstakingly wrote it out in thick, girly cursive longhand, letter for letter, in nasty lilac ink on a heavily perfumed and ridiculously floral piece of stationary. Desdenova paid the girl in iTunes cards, and gleefully went to mail the letter to Barbie.
The trolling had begun.