Topic: Barbie's Mailbox

Malibu Barbie

Date: 2012-09-05 07:55 EST
((Letters for Barbie's Unsolicited Advice and other Barbie fan mail can go here.))

Desdenova VonTombs

Date: 2012-09-05 11:22 EST
?Dear Barbie,

I have always loved you, dearest Barbie, from the moment my parents presented me with Malibu Barbie, and that luxurious play house, with the magic suntan and stickers, and Nana crocheted me so many beautiful gowns and dresses for you, and we played for hours and hours, I even had Skipper and Miko and Stacey and we had so much fun!

Well, that was of course before my parents feared and hated me as my daemonic nature surfaced in my eyes, turning one crystal blue and the other mysterious emerald green. A strange mark rose between my shoulder blades which would turn my life upside down in so many horrible ways. Because I was truly the childe of a prince of hell and angel of heaven.

But now I am in desperate straits, and if only you could help me! My beloved has discovered that I am also a vampire and he is a vampire hunter ? but our love will not be denied! He is also a were-wolf, and an ancient demon of pain resides in his soul.

To make matters worse, my mentor and first love has risen from the dead, or torpor, and upon hearing of my engagement, promptly kidnapped my twin sons! They aren't his, though he believes they are, they are actually sired by the mysterious man I met while grieving my mentor's arranged marriage to some annoying elf girl, not that it lasted long, hah!

But anyhow, the mysterious man I know only by the name of SINISTER made mad, passionate love to me and left me with twin sons with his beautiful red eyes ? but he stole my soul when he left, and I know if I ever were to see him again, I would be once more ensorceled by his carnal wants and appetites.

I write you now imprisoned in the tower of my fiance's brother, a vile, disgusting, decieptful man who wants only to despoil my purity of body and heart, and I am clinging to the most slender of threads to fend off his horrible advances upon me, praying with each moment that my beloved rescue me before I become yet another victim to his brother's filthy lusts!

My problem is, if only you can help me with it, my fiance's brother INSISTS on hanging the toilet paper OVER the roll, when it so CLEARLY should be UNDER the roll. How can I make him see reason?! How can he even pretend to think I'd have anything to do with a beast like that? Please help, dear Barbie, remember our wonderful play times together!

Yours,
Natasha Emerauld Tuatha Danon.
Mistress of Nightfall
Angel of Life.
Devourer of Souls.?

Sweet, adorable little Desdenova eyed his note, making sure a few words were misspelled here and there, then he emailed it to a school friend. She painstakingly wrote it out in thick, girly cursive longhand, letter for letter, in nasty lilac ink on a heavily perfumed and ridiculously floral piece of stationary. Desdenova paid the girl in iTunes cards, and gleefully went to mail the letter to Barbie.

The trolling had begun.

Malibu Barbie

Date: 2012-09-08 11:16 EST
Dear Natasha,

There will be times in the life of every young devourer of souls when you will wonder what the hell you were thinking back then. Like about five minutes ago when I opened this letter.

Honestly, sweet cheeks, you had me all the way up to the point where you were arguing with your future brother-in-law-seducer about the hang of your roll, because all that other stuff you described? It happens in RhyDin every day from what I can tell. But nobody ? nobody that I have met yet in this place ? actually uses a toilet. Please.

So here?s my unsolicited advice for you, Natasha:

The editors of The Gossip GangStar wish to apologize for a publishing error which has obliterated the remainder of this response and in no way would suggest that perhaps Intern SassyPants has been hitting the bottle again. We encourage readers to continue sending those cards and letters in to Barbie?s Unsolicited Advice, c/o The Gossip GangStar, RhyDin City, RhyDin.

NorseLady

Date: 2012-09-12 00:22 EST
Ever since she heard about it, she has pondered how it could possibly be true, unless magic was involved. There is still a part of her that believes this must be a hoax of some kind, but since she was encouraged to pen a letter ... she does. Hopefully she will get a serious reply.

Dear Barbie,

I have been told you are a real doll. An actual toy that has kom to life. How did it happen?

Also, I recently was in another realm and passed a toy shoppe. In the display window were at least a dozen different 'Barbie' dolls in various attire. Each one depicted an occupation/career: Doctor, teacher, librarian, model, actress, etc. And then there was a 'Barbie Dolls of the World' collection.

Are they alive, as well? Are all of you related to each other? Since all of you have the same navn (name), how do you distinguish who is speaking to whom (or about whom) when you call out the navn? Do you dream?

Tusen takk in advance for your time and patience.

Sincerely,
Shylah Vulpecula

Desdenova VonTombs

Date: 2012-09-12 18:32 EST
Oh hai Barbie

Okay, so I'm grooving into town, hitting the scene and WTF? Everywhere I look there's another freaking big eyed waif girl with the crazy going on!! I'm all hold on, I'm edgy but fragile, luminous eyes on heroin chic with cocaine skin and all that crap, W. T. F? Everywhere I look there's more of freaking ME, like I got here ten times before I got here (I'm always saying deep crap like that, and see?) Even the NAMES are all like cool proper nouns, and I really dug deep for my perfect street name. Why should I suffer because my abusive parents shouldn't be allowed to name a dog let alone a kid? (like how I nonchalantly slip in my personal tragedy and damage?)

So like what should I do? I thought okay I'll be like the sweet virginal waifling but they're like a plague now too. Not to mention I got this kooky wardrobe just waiting to go, I swear I studied the Olsen twins and every lollipop head model I could find and NOW WHAT? I guess I could make a fugging club and we can share beauty tips. IF I THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL. (See I'm totally edgy).

What do you suggest since you're like local here and stuff to really make a standout impression on people? I was thinking okay kill my competition but SOMEONE IS ALREADY DOING THAT. The fugging nerve, amirite??!

And you know I wanna give you some unsolicited advice too, girl, you are really overblown, you know what I mean? You need to shave down. Have you ever considered checking out Thinspirations? You got to do something about those fugging Saturn rocket nose cones on your chest, (see cuz I know all this vintage crap) but that's nothing but fat honey and you could live on those for weeks. That's not even mentioning your ass. Girl two words; Binge and purge. Your waist is okay I guess but you know, I always had Bratz dolls, WAY more realistic anyhow, and epically hot. See if you were a Bratz Sasha or Yasmin I'd be all up your grill making sweet music.

Anyhow whatever.

Modpodge Dru Schtuck.
Az ?jszaka egzotikus t?ncos
(That's exotic dancer of the night in Hungarian because at least I haven't run into another fugging waif speaking THAT)


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?I am not so certain that is a legitimate troll,? the desiccated horror of mummified horseflesh noted as Daisy read over Desdenova's newest effort.

?It's funny. And you said the place was overrun with bug eyed lollipop head waifs lately,? the boy responded, leaning back on the cracking and balding horsehide stretched over the barrel of the nightmare.

?True. And mentioning the Bratz debacle was a stroke of genius,? Daisy decided.

?Heh. I hope that sentient toilet guy sees Barbie's last spazz and writes in, that'd be so epic. I wonder if he cares how the toilet paper is hung? Probably wouldn't matter, he doesn't have hands,? Desdenova beamed, emailing the letter to Mia. He'd get her to re-write the letter on cheap stationary that smelled of cheap vodka and cheaper perfume in cheap ball point ink.

?I bet his name is Seymour Butts. Get it? Get it?? Desdenova chortled. Daisy raised empty eye sockets and shook her head.

?I get it, it is not funny. Now hush and get about your homework, child.?