12/24

I went to the Inn tonight, I was worried about being there because I knew Brandon would show up, being Christmas Eve and all. What should I do? How should I act? Needless to say I was worried that Brandon would have one of his breakdowns and cause a scence, however; things went well. He, Jade, and I exchanged Christmas Gifts. I got Jadey a t-shirt that says Me> You. Because of course Jadey is greater than everyone else. I got Brandon a lightening bolt pendant to go with his moon one, just something to remember me by. Brandon got Jadey and I each a fully trained starlight stallion, I was ecstatic! My horse is white with a blue mane and blue tail with pink glitter covering her hair. Of course I added bows too! I named her Princess Snowflake and she is beautiful. Brandon fulfilled a childhood wish of mine that night. I?ve always wanted a pony like every little girl does, but I would have settled for one those little plastic my little pony toys, however, this totally beats a piece of plastic! I can?t express what this means to me. I will probably always care for Brandon greatly on some level, our time together was not all bad, however I do not feel we were meant for one another, not in this life. Brandon has a lot of important priorities and he couldn?t sacrifice those for me and I couldn?t ask him to. I know he will go on to do great things with his life as he was meant to do, I could never stand in the way of that. He really is a decent human being, one of the few I have had the pleasure of meeting and caring for in my life. I hope that we can continue to have a friendship between us. I know that I am not always an easy person to love. I have my fair share of quirks and not to mention I have a constant need for attention. I am sure much of this stems from my past. I am working on being less selfish of a person. Christmas Eve turned out to be pretty good, later on that night Jadey and I got to hang out with some really nice guys from a local Frat, so that was cool. I have to say there is one that I really have my eye out on. I?ve seen and talked to him another time or two. I am always such a dork though and manage to come off as a complete idiot when I am trying to flirt. I wish I had the self confidence and just the natural ability to be seductive like so many of the other girls here, especially Jade, she is so confident, I must say I really look up to her. She is a great friend to me. Well that wraps up Christmas eve, sure I ended it alone and not in the arms of a guy like I had hoped, but what can you do? Maybe next year I?ll get my fantasy dream wish of dancing in the snow with a hottie, just like in the movies. I guess I should get my head out of the clouds though, like mom number 5 said ?Nobody is ever gonna love street trash like you baby doll.? Hmm. We?ll see. I have high hopes. Maybe I?m just a dreamer but I?m okay with that, I?m really honestly happy for the first time in a long time and this time it?s a natural high. I am feeling again.

12/27-12/30

To be honest things have kind of been a whirlwind these past few days. Nothing over the top has happened I guess, just hanging out at the Inn with Jade and crew. Oh wait except?. DRUMROLL please! Dean KISSED me! Heck yeah, that?s right! Excuse me a moment; I have to go do my happy dance. ?Runs to do the happy dance and jump up and down on the bed- Eh ehm. Okay I?m good now. I guess it all started when one of the frat brothers, Brandon I think his name was, was teasing me about liking Dean, in front of him! He was even threatening to tell him my secret; I was so flustered that I blurted out that I liked Dean, RIGHT to his face. Of course I tried to back peddle because I was so scared of rejection, I told Dean to just forget a bout it but he looked at me and said something along the lines of ? Do you just want to forget about me liking you as well?? ?SQUEEL- Of course my jaw dropped and I was shocked. I had been hoping of course that he did like me, but I was never ever going to let myself believe it until I heard him say that. Later on Dean and I went outside and he kissed me. It was? dare I say? Oh yes; Perfection. Lets just say guys with lip rings are heavenly kissers, I of course could never say that aloud to him. How embarrassing! He is the only guy I?ve ever kissed that has a piercing of any kind, let alone on his face, but I am sure glad he does, because it?s not only hot but fun too! Needless to say we?ve spent most of our time at the Inn cuddling and giving each other sweet little pecks here and there, nothing too over the top I don?t think, but just really sweet. However, I?ve heard that its been a bit too sweet, as we?ve made the Gossip Gangstar a bit sick to his stomach, now THAT is funny. Dean has a son, from what I understand he is just a baby, his name is Daniel, I can?t wait to meet him and play with him. I love kids, so I am super excited about this. Dean seems like a really good dad and I am glad about that, too many younger fathers don?t seem to want to take responsibility for their kids, let alone take time like he does from his friends and band to spend time with his son, this only attracts me to him more. Well that about wraps up the past few days? I?ll make sure to write about New Years.

1/5

So. Nothing really happened after the new year. Dean was away for about 4 days, because Dirk and Cole I think his name is had their baby Lilly. She was born early but I am told that she is healthy and doing well and everyone is thrilled. That was nice that Dean was able to take some time to spend with them and enjoy their new bundle of joy. I just killed time at the Inn, hanging out with Jade and her new man and Ryo mostly. Just the same old stuff, different day.

We're a pretty laid back group, just hanging out at RDI or Teas'n Tomes goofing off. But things got pretty interesting last night. I had been at RDI and a guy named Vinny was there and seemed to be taking cheap shots at Jade. Personally I think he was jealous that she is with Damien, as I have seen Vinny flirting with her in the past. Anyway, he kept saying things that I thought were rude and I called him out on it. I wasn't really wanting to get into it with anyone but I could see Jade's face, I know she was hurting, even though she tried to deny it and say that Vinny was kidding. Why does she defend guys who are complete a-holes to her? She deserves so much better than she accepts. I hate that people judge Jade when they don't understand her. They just look at the surface and think they get her, but she is so much deeper and caring than anyone could know. If it wasn't for her I'd be living on the streets, she picked up my tab at the RDI and has been paying my rent and even helping me out with food and clothes. I owe her my life. And people wonder why I am so loyal to her. She is the only stable thing I've ever had in my life, I am so grateful for her. I know I can always count on her. I am happy that she has Damien now. He really seems to dote upon her and treat her well, she deserves nothing less and everything more.

After that tiff with Vinny; Jade, Damien and I went to TnT. Ryo and Yami showed up along with a few other people I barely knew. We just hung out and chilled and later TyTy came in. He was acting pretty strange. He kept giving me weird looks and everytim I pouted about missing Dean he'd sigh. I was kind of freaking out inside because I thought that either Dean was avoiding me and Ty didn't want me to know or maybe Ty thought I was being a stupid little girl. I found myself sitting on a bean bag, with my head on Ty's arm, trying to find some sort of comfort. I hate being alone. I asked Ty to be my brother. He seems like he'd be a good one. I just enjoy talking to him and getting advice from him, if it weren't for him I don't know if Dean and I would be together. I just find some sort of peace in talking to Ty. I truely love him like a brother. Which only complicates things, I think.

Finally after pouting for a few hours, Dean showed up. I was thrilled, as you can imagine. And he really honestly missed me too! We cuddled and hugged and kissed. It was great. That is until everyone else left. Ty kind of went a little crazy. Anytime I make a off color remark he gives me the look or rolls his eyes, or sighs. And after him basically calling me a slut or whatever that was the other night, I was tired of it. In a joking way I tried to let him know that I'm just thinking and not taking action so he needs to knock it off because me thinking Dean is sexy and wanting to do things with him is not wrong. Hell we are both grown adults, if we choose to do more, thats us. BUT I try to respect the fact that Ty is watching out for his bro, so I go along with this. However Ty did not appreciate me talking to him like that as he said and called me a bitch. Which did not make Dean happy at all. Ty flipped out more and yeah it was just bad. I felt like Ty was calling me a slut but he swears he wasn't. Then he later admited to Dean's face that he had liked me and had thought he and I had something from that night we were outside on the porch at the Inn. I apologized to Ty incase he had felt I had lead him on or anything. But Dean was pretty pissed at Ty and seemed to think Ty STILL likes me. Ty proceeded to go on several different rants, which none made sense to me. He said he would never let me fix him up with my friends because they were all like me. Which confused me because I though he liked me, so wouldn't he want someone similar then? But then he said that he didn't want some girl that was flirting with other guys when he turned his back and he called me drama queen. Needless to say that majorly hurt. I am playful, yes. But I don't think I am an over the top flirt and I certainly am not a cheater. I've been cheated on and I would never ever ever sink to that level. Its so painful to not feel good enough. Then Ty tried to take it all back and act like he didn't say that. I just didn't get exactly what he was trying to say. Dean was pissed at Ty for all the name calling and his apparently liking me. Ty seemed jealous. He then told Dean that he didn't like me but was just made because Dean was spending too much time with me. HELLO. I didn't even see the guy for 4 days so he could be with his boys. I don't think my asking to snuggle with Dean an hour or two when I do see him is asking too much.

Anyway, things started to get better but it was just awkward for most of the night. Ty tried to makeout with Dean... twice. I'm really confused about that. Ty flipped out on me again when I slapped him upside the head for kissing Dean, it was a playful slap, seriously, but he didn't seem to think so. And he told me that if I ever slapped him again, expect to get slapped back. Dean once again did not appear to happy. Maybe I should back off? Dean said he was the happiest he's been in a long time, and now I am certain that I have a large part to do with that, but I don't want to hurt Ty or come between the guys. Ty called me Yoko Ono! I am so not! I don't know what to do. I know that I really, really, really like Dean and the last thing I want is to be apart from him. Would it be wrong to tell Ty to just grow up and get over it? I feel like he is the one being the little drama queen. Seriously, he is being such a c*ck blocker.

Dean got a new tat. Its so hot! He took off his shirt to show me the Jack Skellington outline he has on his back. Let me just say, guitar has done a body good. Yum! Oh.. and.. AND Ty apparently thinks my kissing Jade is disgusting and that we are just whores who do it for attention. Yeah thats it, he has us pegged. NOT. Jade is totally my b.f.f. its not like we make out all the time. We give eachother pecks here and there, occasionally we kiss a bit more, but its usually just playful. I don't care if anyone thinks its hot or sexy or gross or anything. We do it cause we are goofey and we like to have a good time. I wish people would just stop judging things, its totally a surface thing, not some conspiracy to gain attention. I already have the attention of the only people that matter, Dean, Jade, and Ty. So, whatever.

I hope if I see the guys again tonight everything is okay. I really did not like last night and spent most of the night crying myself to sleep. I don't want a bad stigma attatched to my name. I don't want to loose my friend, Ty. And I don't want to loose Dean. I just want everything to be okay. I'm gonna keep trying to just do whatever it takes to make everyone else happy. Well toodles. I'm off to cause trouble. xoxo!

1/6

So I was worried about hanging out with the guys last night, but it ended up being really good. I spent sometime with Jadey and Damien at the RDI and then we moved things over to TnT and Yami joined us as well. Us girls pigged out on funnel cake and yummy sticky gooey toppings. Jade got a call from back home and had to leave early to go back to Bon Temps to handle something at her Ex?s club. She didn?t seem thrilled about that and Damien was less than happy to be without her. The more and more I get to know him, the more I like him. Of course I have my reservations because after all it is Jadey he is dating, but he seems to really be making her happy.

After a while at TnT, I decided to go for a walk, just to clear my head. Low and behold I happened to run into Ty and Dean at the lake by the Glen. The boys were trying to ice skate in their shoes, needless to say it was hilarious! I think Ty might have really hurt himself at one point, but Dean was right there to fix him and make it better, though this is only a thought, as I didn?t actually see Dean do anything ?magical? but I could have sworn I heard Ty say his nose was broken. I?m glad that Ty?s nose got all better though, its too cute to be busted up! There is a designer back home in Cali that would LOVE Ty?s look. Maybe he should do some modeling? He is awfully pretty, I see the way all the girls look at him and with him being like a brother to me I want to claw their eyes out. Its weird one-second I want to find him a girl and the next I want to just put a choke hold on any girl who I see flirting with him. Ty is special, I don?t want to see anyone hurt him. He doesn?t strike me as a player at all, there are few guys out there left like him. Sure he and I have had our spats, like any siblings would, but when it comes down to it, he?s definitely my bud, I can?t stay upset with him for long.

How'd I get so lucky to be the girlfriend of like the hottest guy in Rhy'din and the sister/friend of the other hottest? What a charmed life its turning out to be! Point for Rhy! Haha for the universe, or whatever makes things suck in life.

So last night so did not suck, not at all! The guys had headed home and I was walking back to the Inn after getting turned around on the path to the Sorority House. Some guy comes running up behind me, but it was okay. It was Dean! He kinda scared me at first, but he gave me more hugs and then asked if he could come back with me to the Inn. I didn't hesitate to say no. We walked back, hand in hand, just talking and enjoying getting to know one another. We have very little time with just us, but I think we're okay with that. We both love our friends too much to not want to hang out with them too. But, needless to say, it was still nice to just talk alone.

I was a bit nervous because I wasn't exactly sure what Dean's intentions were, sure he is a nice guy, but he is still a guy and maybe he thought things were gonna progress far last night. However, he was the perfect gentleman and turns out, he wasn't ready to bring our relationship that far either! He was so sweet and understanding. I'm convinced more now than ever ( Haha, that sounds so dorky) that he is really really good for me.We got back to my room and we mostly just sat on the bed and talked and cuddled. We played stupid little games and joked around, and of course there was a tickle war! He is the most sensual kisser though. I felt so comfortable with him, how he is breaking down my barriers, I don't know, but I am glad he is. I've never felt so free and relaxed with a guy before. Nothing was pushed, nothing was rushed, it all just happened naturally ( but not that! That did not happen.) Back to his kissing. Man! If I was standing he would have knocked me off my feet. He seems to be rather romantic too, not cheesey, but just gentle and caring with his caresses, his stares, his words. After a few hours of just exploring eachother's hearts, minds, and bodies, we fell asleep. I woke up in his arms, fully clothed, yet feeling more naked and vulnerable than I've ever felt. And I wouldn't trade it back for the world.

I'm scared. Which I know sounds confusing but I know that I am falling for him more and more each day, and especially after last night. I'm scared of rushing things and him getting freaked out or even me. I'm just scared that it might not work out. But, I am hoping that it does, because he is everything I need. He doesn't party hard, he is clean, no drinking, no drugs. He is intellegent and relaxed. He is gentle, kind, yet a total knight in shining armor. I don't want to lose him. I wonder how he feels about last night. He seemed reluctant to part this morning, but he had to of course get back to the house and take care of Daniel. How could I argue with that? I never could and I never would. I know I'll be with him again and it'll be perfection. To quote a silly song and be totally girly and cliche. Everything little thing he does is magic.

1/8

So Dean and I hung out at the lake for a while last night. He was busy laying out on the ice to cool down his back since his new tat was aching pretty badly. I was dancing around the bank in my favorite tutu skirt, wiggling and giggling and singing as loudly as possible. I just enjoy having fun and being a kid at heart and Dean seems to like that, he was a grinning fool last night. I thought I may have heard him say something to Ty (He came down to hang out with us after a while) about being wrapped around my finger or something like that, but I was singing so loud and having so much fun I didn?t really pay attention. Anyway, Ty told us he met a nice girl who has a beagle at the dog park, her name is Summer, but she called him like two or three times last night and I already spoke to him today and he said he cut it off cause apparently she is a nutcase. Poor Ty. L Anyway, last night was good, us three joked around about some pretty crazy topics. I am stunned; Dean says that sex is supposed to last longer than a few minutes and that some guys can even go for hours! I was shocked. He says he?ll show me what he means when we get to that. I?m kind of excited about that. I guess Damien was right; I haven?t had very good sleeping partners or something. At this point I am still convinced that cotton candy is way better than sex, but again Dean says differently. You see this all started when Ty was talking about one of the other guys in the house and how he?ll have two or three woman in his room all in one night and that he can hear them making noise and screaming out the guys name. I was shocked because I?ve never known anything to scream about. The guys couldn?t help but look shocked. Dean says if a guy is doing it right, the girl should defiantly be screaming his name. Now I?m not na?ve, I just don?t have a lot to go on here! I am looking forward to screaming. ?EVIL GRIN- Anyhow it was getting kind of cold so we decided to go, I thought I was going home alone, but Ty got a phone call from psycho Summer and Dean and I were saying our goodbyes when we decided he?d stay over again. I don?t know that I?ve ever slept peacefully my whole life, most nights I?ve either not been able to sleep or I wake up through out the night. When Dean stayed with me, it was the first time I really slept; I mean the entire night through. So I was really excited that he was staying again, getting a good nights sleep feels amazing. I just curled up next to him and he lay there playing with my hair, until I fell asleep, he was there when I woke up too, but had to leave for a Pi meeting. I wonder if I snore or do anything dorky. The only thing I know for sure is that I sleep on my belly, I hog the covers and then kick them all off and I sprawl out sometimes. I wonder if that?s bothersome. The only reason I know these things is because I wake myself up doing it sometimes. Dean didn?t make mention of anything, so I must not be too bad to sleep next to. Well, that?s about it, just another day of bliss and peaceful sleep.

Holy cow!!! ( I love saying that, I feel just like Julia Roberts in pretty woman when Richard Gere's character asks her to stay with him and she sinks into the tub and yells " Holy coooow!") Yeah, its that kind of holy cow! Anyway.... so much freaking stuff has happened! I hadn't seen Dean in days, so I pretty much didn't do anything but pack up my room at the Inn and start moving things to the Sorority house. Well, last night I was at TnT and FINALLY Dean showed up with Ty of course. Ty was in total bi-polar mood and freaked the heck out on me, again. He pulled all sorts of crazy sh*t out of his ass. Basically, I think he is really jealous of the relationship Dean and I have. Its like one second he wants Dean and I happy and will do anything to help us and the next its like he can only point out the bad in me. He is so confusing. Bascially, it was decided that I am just going to keep my distance from him and just be more of an associate to him, rather than a friend. I must say, I'm really sad about this. I really do care for Ty and I was so happy about having friends here, but apparently the Pi boys have very very strong boundaries in regards to being friends with another brother's girl. I can't say I understand it, but challenging it is not worth losing Dean. If I have to prove myself, so be it, I'll do anything to stay in Dean's arms.

Moving on (cause thats just kind of a sore topic) Dean and I said those three magical little words to eachother. I said them first, which I did not want to do, but after talking to Ty a bit (After our fight was resolved) he told me I should tell Dean. I don't think Ty would deliberatly hurt me or something, so I trusted him and he was right. After stuttering for a while, I told Dean that I was in love with him and he looked thrilled and told me he loved me too. It was just really special. We made out a bit and grossed Ty out and then Dean asked me to come back to the frat house with him, so after making a brief stop at the Inn for me to pick up an over night bag, we headed off for his place.

It was pretty much decided before we got there, what would be happening. Tonight was the night. When we got there, Dean showed me around a bit and I excused myself to go shower and clean up a bit in his bathroom, while he went and checked on Daniel and spent a few minutes with him. He is such a good daddy. -siiiiigh- Anyway, I had packed a very nice nightie to wear. I have plenty of them, because I do like to sleep in something girlie and pretty time to time, but since it was my first night with Dean, I chose something he would appreciate. It was a very pretty shade of orange, a shade lighter than burnt orange maybe, but not quite electric orange. Meh, I guess the exact color doesn't matter ( then again I want to remember this night forever!) Anyway, it was mid thigh length and just had little spaghetti straps but was very pretty and lacey. I must say, I felt rather beautiful. My hair was down and I sat in the middle of his bed with the sheet pulled up slightly, almost bashful as I waited for him to return. I swear I saw him choke down his breath when he looked at me. ( that was an awesome feeling!) He came over and stood at the side of the bed, looking down at me, just a small smile on his face as he reached out his hand and cupped the side of my face and then leaned down to kiss me. Moments later, everything was just a blur as he was beside me and we were both tangled in eachother's arms. We didn't have sex last night, we made love. I learned the difference last night. It was perfect. A few weeks ago Ryo asked me what my latest sexual fantasy was, and it was basic, I just wanted to make love. And thats what happened. It was something for the record books for sure. Dean kept his promise about showing me that it was something that could last for hours... and it did.. for many... many hours.. over and over again. My legs still feel all wobbly and unsteady. I didn't sleep much at all last night and I don't think he did either, after quite a few hours of love making and just talking and cuddling we may have drifted off here and there, but we never did get into deep sleep. I don't mind, not at all.

Daniel has been teething and he woke up early wanting his daddy. Dean and I both dressed
( well we put on decent pajamas anyway) and Dean brought little Daniel into the bedroom for me to meet him. He is the cutest baby ever, I can see so much of Dean in him. I want one! (A baby that is!) Dean calmed him down and then I got to play with him a little bit, I even sang the song that I dreamt about my "mother" singing me the other night, to him. Soon enough, he fell back asleep and Dean lay down with him on his chest and he too fell back asleep. So I am laying in bed now next to them both, writing in my diary about how perfect life seems. I can't help but look over at them both and think about how I want them to be my family. Sure, its only been a month or so for Dean and I, but I know I love him and if things progress, I'd be the proudest wife and mother ( or step mother, or aunt, or just friend, whatever Dean and Daniel would decide is the best title for me, just as long as I get to be there. ) on the planet to be a part of all of this. Life has a way of suprising you sometimes and I think this is something I could get used to. Anyway, these two next to me look so relaxed they are making me sleepy, so I think I'm going to try and sneak in a little nap before the baby wakes up.

Until next time.

1/17

I hung out with Dean most of the day at his place. We just watched movies and played with Daniel, it was a fun day, nice to just be able to hang out with him at his house. Last night Dean, Ty and I went to the TnT to get some drinks and dessert. It went pretty good, nothing really exciting we all were pretty wiped. But of course there was cuddling and kissing between Dean and I. And Ty was a little more open about his new love; I?m really happy for him.

So I was reading over my journal and I decided to let Dean read over the last entry. Its something I just wanted to talk to him about, but was too shy to bring up. He seemed fine with it and said we?d talk about it at home? er his house when we got there, which we did and of course everything is okay. I basically just wanted to ask him in a non-offensive way if this was going to go somewhere. Not right away, but eventually. I just got scared and didn?t want to over invest myself mentally and emotionally (again) if this was more of a ?fun? kind of relationship, just something to pass the time, you know? But he assured me that he wants to keep going and see what happens. I just don?t want to be used. I know Dean?s not like that, but like I said before who knew what he was wanting after coming out of a marriage. But we?re both on the same page to just let things happen naturally and see where they go. If things go slowly great if they go somewhere else faster that?s great too, only we will known what is right and when for us.

I know I stress out inside over stuff and mostly because I am insecure, but I?m glad that Dean and I are together. I know I have said before he is good for me, but I have to say it again because I realize how good he is for me in new ways each day. He is just so relaxed and easy going, he makes it okay for me to have my little freak out, scared moments. He takes everything in and thinks about it before reacting, he doesn?t just flip out and assume anything. I was worried he?d take what I had him read as me saying I want to get married now and stuff? but he knew it what it meant. It means a lot to me that he is patient and sweet. I love deep thinkers and Dean is one? Lucky me!

Well, anyway, I?m back over at Dean?s place and I can hear Daniel?s nanny taking care of him because he was crying so I know Dean will wake up in a bit to go get his little man. I?m going to close up and pretend I wasn?t up writing about him like the little love sick dork that I am.

1/21

Nothing to report, just the same ol same ol. Yanno, lounging around with Dean and being totally and madly... completley head over heels.. in love.

I think I'll just sum it up with a song.


Lifehouse- Everything:

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

2- 11 and 2-12

So, I finally got to see Dean at the Inn Monday night. Oh my gosh! He was such a sight for sore eyes. I missed him so freaking much while I was back in Cali. When I saw him, I ran and jumped on him, yeah maybe it was a bit over the top, but holy crap, 2 whole freaking weeks without the love of my life?! HELLO torture! So we pretty much grossed everyone at the Inn, out; I?m sure. We were all about the cuddles and kissing. We rarely are SO showy in public, but we really couldn?t help it. Anyway, we didn?t stay long, as we had ?catching up? to do. Hehe!

Okay and here is the super duper really huge big news. Last night, (Tuesday) Dean proposed! OH MY GOD! It was soooo freaking unexpected. I walked out of his bathroom, having changed my clothes for bed and to just relax with him. Anyway, he was kind of quiet and looked a little nervous and then just started spouting all of these wonderful words. He told me how much he missed me while I was gone and how he never wants to be apart like that again. He told me how much he loves me and knows I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He pulled out a little black box and my heart just flipped, I got so excited but didn?t want to jump to conclusions about what he was doing, I mean, its so soon. But, he told me he knew, and he asked me. He asked me to marry him. I totally lost it, I started bawling, and laughing, and squealing. My emotions were all over the place, of course I said yes. The ring is beautiful. Its white gold, I think, looks like silver color and is all script like, kind of filigree I think it?s called. It has a heart shaped garnet in the center, I LOVE garnets. I don?t think I ever told him that, but somehow he managed to pick out the perfect ring. It?s never going to leave my finger, ever. I don?t think we?re going to get married right away, but this ring was a symbol from him, a commitment that he is 100% mine and I am his. I don?t know if it?ll be a few months or years, but I am still just so excited, I don?t care when we get married. I don?t care about anything. I am on just such a high right now. Everything has been going so good.

I?M ENGAGED! ?SQUEAL- Holy cow! I?m finally going to have a real last name. Mrs. Rhyannon Santiago. I like the sound of that. Not to mention I?m totally marrying the hottest, sweetest, most amazing guy in Rhy?din. Who is the freaking luckiest girl on the planet? ME!

I always feel like I?m playing catch up with this journal lately. I can?t even remember what?s been going on since I last wrote. Mainly wedding planning I think. I do know that Tyler pretty much hates my guts and he and Dean aren?t really speaking anymore. Tyler just thinks its too soon for me and Dean and doesn?t really like me. Surprise! Surprise! Oh well its his loss, I know I?m a good person. He called me a few choice words at the Inn one night and even the bar tender snapped at him for it. It was pretty bad. Anyway, other than that, things have been going pretty good. Me and the other guys get along good, which I think is important to Dean.

I can?t remember if I wrote it down or not, but Jadey is getting married too! Her demon proposed, the ring he got her is really pretty. I?ve already seen some of her wedding plans and it?s going to be a beautiful occasion. But its Jade, how could it not be fabulous? She is so crazy (in a good way) I was asking her if she thought I?d be a cute pregnant lady and she was like ? Oh my god! Don?t scare me like that!? But then she said yes I would be cute? one day? a long time from now. Humph! I?d be a good mom. I mean YEAH I?m young and its really soon, but hey, I would be. I?m not saying I want another baby right away or anything, I am just getting used to and enjoying Daniel. He is teaching me so much about being a mother. I know Dean wants more, he told me so last night when we went for a walk. He said he doesn?t think about my past at all he just thinks about our future, our family and the little ones that we will have. To be honest I?m totally nervous about having my own kids, I don?t want to screw them up, but at the same time I am anxious to have my family and prove that I can be better than all the parents I ever had. I think I want to wait until after the wedding, at least; I don?t really want to be ready to pop at my own wedding. But even if a surprise did happen, I know that Dean will support me and still think I?m beautiful, but I?m defiantly not planning on any ?surprises ? anytime soon.

I am however thinking of getting another tattoo, I know I know ANOTHER one, but yeah. Lyren is a tattoo artist and wants to open her own shop but she has the equipment already so she said she?d do one for me at the house sometime. I really want to get a symbolic tattoo for Daniel. I?m not sure exactly what or when but I was thinking like his handprint over my heart or his little hand grasping my finger or something. We?ll see. I just know he is always going to be my little guy, no matter what ever happens between Dean and I he is always going to be a part of me. Not saying that Dean and I won?t work out but there are all things that could happen and I firmly believe that you divorce partners, not children. But Dean and I won?t ever have to deal with something like that, because we are going to be together forever <3 Mushy. Mushy.

Dean told me that he wants to bring me back to where he is from sometime, I can even meet his parents and his cousins. He thinks his parents will like me. I?m kind of shocked; I really don?t think I am the type of girl any mother wishes for her son to bring home. But I?m a good person, so if they take the chance to get to know me, they will see that I really love their son and grandson.

I danced a little bit for Dean last night when we went for our walk; I climbed up on one of the fountains and started doing a few ballet moves. I haven?t danced for a long time now. I miss it so much. I wish that I could have taken real lessons. Maybe I will put that on my things to do list, its never to late to try something new and follow your dreams. I?ll be a rebel ballerina. Haha! My birthday is this Saturday, March 15th. I am so excited. I?m not sure why, I just feel like this is going to be a really good one. I mean I never really had one growing up and the last few I?ve had were when I was in California, and to be honest most of those I was too drunk or high to remember. Yikes. But this one? this is going to be the one to remember! Lyren is getting me these really awesome hot pink thigh high boots, they are so scandalous, but I have to have them!

So the wedding is supposed to be October 31st2008, on Dean?s birthday, like his 300th and 50th or something (teehee) but 7 ? months seems soooooo far away, sometimes I just think eloping would be good, but I really want to wear my dress! I?ll have to talk to Dean and see what he thinks. I know the wedding will be worth the wait, but I am just so excited! Eh, anyway. I guess I?m going to go try and get some things done before heading over to Dean?s? speaking of which? I wonder where we are going to live. Girls aren?t aloud in the Pi house and boys aren?t aloud in the Chi house. Maybe we can have the guesthouse on the Chi land? Who knows, we?ll figure it all out later.

I?m outtie. Xoxo!

I know I know it?s been a long time since I?ve written. I guess I can?t keep using the excuse that I?m busy, but I am! I can?t remember if I wrote about this or not but a few days before my birthday Claira got really sick and Jadey found her passed out on the floor. The house wasn?t stocked with blood packs like normal, so I cut myself and fed Claira. It was really scary. I got woozy, but I think it was from seeing the blood more than anything. Jade managed to seal up my wound but it wasn?t healing right. Dean noticed I was acting funny and when he saw my wrist I think he was really worried, but he didn?t say anything, he just healed me. He knows now what happened and that I?m not crazy and cutting on myself.

So anyway, my birthday! Oh my god! I was so good. I had an amazing time and all of the guys got me the greatest gifts. I didn?t drink of course but most of the guys did when we went to the club, things got pretty crazy. Cole is so adorable, it took Dean a while to get up and dance with me, so Cole did me the honor. He and one of the other guys made a ?Rhy sandwich? get it? Rye, sandwich? Ha! We danced until the sun came up and I eventually had gotten Dean to come out and dance, he really isn?t bad, maybe a little awkward? But he was so cute I didn?t care. I never knew how raunchy guys could get though, my goodness, they knew how to pop drop and lock better than most women. There might have been some body shots and flashing done; with the lighting it was kind of hard to see exactly who was doing what and where, with whom.

Since my birthday nothing exciting has really happened. I?ve just been hanging out mostly at Dean?s place. He told me that the band was going to be going on a short tour and he is going to let me keep Daniel while he is gone! How exciting! Two weeks of just my lil oogey boogey man and me. I guess the guys have to wait to head out though because Jam is sick and his voice is gone. Hope his rocking out at my birthday didn?t have anything to do with that. Oops.

So last night I met this girl I?ve been hearing about, her name is Scarlet. She is nice I?m sure, but I guess she is pretty crazy over Cole. Poor girl. Cole is so sweet and cute, but I don?t think he is a one-lover kind of guy. But who knows, maybe she isn?t either. I don?t think Cole?s new toy, Luke is very fond of her. I heard from a little mouse that he sat on her! Who knows though, you know how things get misconstrued.

I met this new guy, that really isn?t a new guy, just been away for a while. His name is Tristen, he seemed nice enough and he and Dean seemed to have really hit it off. I?m glad; it?s always nice to have close friends. I guess he is going to be in the wedding too. It?s going to be funny, Dean is going to have his army of men and I?m going to have like three girls by me. Oh well, the more the merrier, Dean and I are a little unconventional, so its not like we want or need this cookie cutter wedding.

We also are going to be moving in with each other sometime soon. We haven?t decided whether to do an apartment or a house. I have enough money from the clothing line to buy a house I?m sure and Dean says he should get some good cash flow from the tour, so we might build a house somewhere in the middle between the Chi and Pi houses because neither of us really want to be away from our friends who are basically our family. I think it?d be hard on Daniel to not see his uncles all the time too. But I am still excited. I don?t know what kind of house we?d build; a Victorian one would be cool. We?ll just have to wait and see. Well that catches me up I think. I?ll write more later. Xoxo!

I've been having really bad dreams lately. I haven't told anyone about them. But things just seem weird since Hina's birthday party. I feel really insecure and distanced from Dean. I don't even feel like myself. I can still see the sadness in Jade's eyes everytime I look at her. I just hate all the crap that happens around me. I love my friends, I love my husband, I love my son, but sometimes life just sucks.

Now, I know that I don't really have anything to complain about, but I still just have this bad feeling and these nightmares arn't helping. Sometimes they are the same, sometimes the change, but they always leave me shaken and upset.

I suppose it would help to talk about it, but I don't want to. I don't want anyone thinking I'm insane or getting ideas. Is it wrong to be so insecure about a relationship? I just keep waiting for it all to just be ripped from me.

Anyway, in one of the dreams I am pregnant. Very pregnant and am sitting on my bed. Cole is there and is touching my belly, feeling the baby kick and Cole is giggling. He is so excited because he gets to see Rhy with a big ol belly. Dean walks in all of the sudden with a few of the brothers and just tells Cole to get up, that he has to leave. Cole looks at me suprised and then at Dean with a shocked look.

"I'm leaving Rhy. It never was, it never will be. " thats all he Dean says and then he turns and leaves. Cole looked back at me and then ran from the room crying. When I look down, I'm not pregnant anymore and by the time I look up Dean is gone. My wedding ring is gone... my memories feel like they are being ripped from my head. When I start crying in the dream is usually when I wake up.

The native americans believed that dreams could fortell future events. I can't believe this is true or ever would be. I know Dean. Dean could never. He would never. But it still upsets me. I can't tell him though, he'd think I don't trust him, I don't believe in us. Wouldn't he? I mean it sounds like a crazy persons dream.

I just wish they would go away. Its complicating everything. I miss him. Maybe I'll go over to the house and snuggle with him. I just need to feel his breath on my skin.... his embrace... anything.

We are having a baby for sure! I've been sick as a dog and craving really weird stuff. I even ate a burger! I don't even eat beef. I have to admit, it tasted really yummy. I've mostly been craving cheetos and pumpkin muffins, together. And chocolate milk, can't get enough chocolate milk. Dean has been wonderful so far. He always offers to hold my hair when I'm getting sick, but I'm way too embarassed to let him. Jade is thrilled she is going to be an aunt, heck, everyone seems really happy for us. So, thats good. I keep puffing out my tummy and asking everyone if they see any change, but so far, not a one. I can't wait until I look all cute and preggo. It's going to be great. Dean says he is going to love me no matter what. He is actually looking forward to me getting a little fuller in the hips and breast area, well everywhere really. I have to admit, I am too skinny, I just couldn't put on any weight after the break ups I had, it was like I just lost all this weight, I'm surprised Dean was even attracted to me with how sickly I looked. I've put on some weight and my cheeks don't look so hollow, so thats good. Hopefully I'll get really nice boobies! Jadey said she'd give me a total body makeover after the baby, so ha ha! No stretch marks or saggy boobs! But Dean swears he's gonna love me and think I'm sexy no matter what. I have the best husband ever! EVAAAAAR!

So I've been thinking about names. We don't know if its a boy or a girl. I think we both want a girl. But just as long as he or she is healthy, we will be happy. Anyway, thats the latest update. I'll write more later. BTW: Jadey went on a date with Dakota! Dakota... Dakota... as in Dean's late wife's ex husband....... But I'm happy for her. He seems really nice and Jade seems happy. Thats all that matters. I just want Jade happy, if he is the man that can make that happen, I am all for it. He breaks her heart, I'ma kill im and feed his remains to that dog he always has with him.

XOXO!

So last night Dean and I went out to the RDI, I was actually feeling pretty good and wanted to be out. Pretty much as soon as we got there I wished we hadn?t gone. First some mini neko girl jumped on us and scared me poo-less! She was cute and nice, just scared me and I spilled my ginger ale. AND THEN Jade came in wearing this ridiculous outfit; I mean she was practically naked! So Dean was like ? holy heck!? he doesn?t want to see Jade like that, you know? She is like his sister. So anyway, she was acting really strange too. Dean took off one of his t-shirts and gave it to me to go and cover her up, but she was like fighting me off, she didn?t want to be touched and she kept snapping at Dean too when he came over to help. She had some weird like spindly thing that came out of finger and even tried to choke Dean! She slapped me? which hurt a lot. But somehow I managed to get my hands on these pearls she seemed to be really protective over. I broke the pearls and suddenly Jade was Jade. She was so upset that she had hurt Dean and I and then bit of her memory started to come back. She remembers Romax and receiving gifts, chocolates to be exact. She even said they? did stuff. You know, stuff. I think she?s pretty upset with herself, but this is not her fault, that?s what these men do. Anyway, Dean and I thought it?d be best if she came and stayed with us at the Pi house, we don?t want her to be alone. I?m really freaked out, what if something like this happened to me? Or Lyren? Or what if they don?t leave Jade alone? I don?t know how ?Kota will react, hopefully not like Damien did when Trav was wanting Jade. I cannot blame these men, I mean look at Jade, and she is a beautiful, sexy, fierce woman, what man wouldn?t want her? And of course men who crave power would love to break her; she?s just so? strong. I think Dean was pretty freaked out over this too, I mean, he loves to Jade to pieces and of course knows what she means to me. We have to do something. I mean, no gifts? no presents? no opening doors to strangers, not until things calm down and these weirdo?s go back into hiding. UGH!!!! On another note, I feel pretty good today, no puking yet. Wooo hooo

Journey: Faithfully

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go 'round and 'round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sendin' all my love
Along the wire

They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line
It's been you and me
Lovin' a music man
Ain't all what it's supposed to be
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart ain't easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn
To fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

First off, blame the hormones! I decided to try and have some girl time, so I'm without Dean tonight. BAD IDEA! I mean, of course I love my girls, but I hate being without him. And then I start thinking and I get all these ideas and well you know I'm a little crazy. I was listening to some CDs while I laid around and stuff, and this old Journey song came on and I just realized that there are going to be times when me and kids are going to be without Dean, possibly for weeks at a time. And I know, I KNEW this.. and I may be able to tour with him, but lets face it, that's not easy with kids. I know Dean could never be unfaithful to me, but I'm a little emotional right now and well, my mind wanders. But this song gives me hope, there are good music men out there. He's forever mine, faithfully.

Things have been going good. I ran into Dakota at a store in the marketplace and he told me that he is going to marry Jade, well, propose, and of course I know she will say yes. Her ring is INCREDIBLE! I am so happy for her. I cannot imagine two better suited people (besides Dean and I, of course!) I threated Dakota, told him if he hurts her I'll fry his ass, even gave him a little taste of it, I think he knows I could take him. Yep preggo and all. I think the preggo part makes people more scared of me. Haha!

My sister has been doing good, we have fun shopping and getting the babies room better , but I know she is still sneaking around with Wes. She'll be eighteen next month, not much I can I suppose and really Wess seems like a good guy. But I swear if she comes to me saying she's knocked up... ooooh man he is a dead man! I think Dean agrees to. They are just babies! Silly kids.

They baby moved! Dean and I were at the Inn a week or so ago, and the baby moved. But it was just a little, maybe it was gas or a hiccup. It scared the poo out of me though. It feels really strange. What if it like tries to claw its way out or something?! There is a first for everything you know. Maybe this kid will be like a little spawn, I mean after all, Dean and I are both not entirely human. No no. I'm sure he or she will be perfect. Of course !

More poor little lima bean, it probably will try to claw its way out after me talking about it like its an alien! ( But that's what it feels like. Shhhh)

I am supposed to go watch a movie with the girls, so I'll close, just wanted to get some of this down. Maybe I'll start the babies book soon. We'll see.

XOXO!

Rhy!

So Jadey was totally attacked by some wretched creature that supposedly was Lain, but not Lain, but like it was. I dunno, it was really weird, like a demon or something. ANYWAY, so Jadey got hurt and ?Kota got hurt and it makes me really mad when people hurt her, so I think she?s laying low for a bit or something. At least I got to see Jade at the Inn for a bit, I didn?t stay long because I was so tired, but I needed to be out and about. Franco is back and wrote about me, I think he said something about me being past the cute stage of my pregnancy, how rude! I?m a little bloated, but still cute, I think. And these BOOBS, omg! They are fabbbbulous, I hope they stay. Oh oh! TWO months to Jade?s wedding, I have TWO months to pop this kid out and get in shape to wear god only knows what, but I?m sure it?s tight and short.

So things around the house have been quiet. A few of the guys are in Greece with Cole, I guess he is on a mission to find his family or something. It was sweet of the guys to go with him, keep him company, give him moral support. Family is important; I know how Cole feels, you know, wanting to know more about where he came from. But, I?m still lonely and missing the boys, especially Cole. I think the baby misses him too! Hopefully he doesn?t stay gone for too long.

I think that I might have the baby soon, I?ve been feeling weird since last night, have this weird heartburn and low backache, I wonder what that means, if anything. I should probably go lay down and try to relax, but I?m tired of laying down! And I really wanted to write, but I guess nothing very exciting happens to me these days.


XOXO- RHY!

I cannot believe that my baby girl is already two months old. Life has just been so busy and full of little surprises that I haven?t had time to sit down and write. My little family is so amazing, just had to get that out. Haley is a very smiley baby and sleeps really well, I think she?ll be sleeping through the nights soon enough, can?t wait for that. Dean is so good with her too, gets up to bring her to me at night, changes diapers, all of it. If he could breast feed, he probably would! And Daniel, oh my gosh, he is loving his roll of big brother. He calls Haley ?My baby? and he just always wants to help with her and she of course adores him, nothing but smiles when he is playing with her. He is all protective too, if one of her uncles or aunts is holding her, he sits and makes sure they support her head right and burp her, it?s funny to see my tiny little man act so grown up. Haley is lucky to have him for her big brother.

I had my first night away from her towards the end of December for Jade and Dakota?s wedding, which was beautiful, it was so perfect, but it seemed like forever that I was away from the baby, felt like my boobs were going to explode!

It?s so funny how having a new baby changes your priorities. Before Daniel was old enough that we could leave him for a few hours with one of his uncles if Dean and I wanted a night out, now though, it seems like we much prefer to stay in as a family and eat dinner, watch movies, those sorts of things. Sometimes we sit around and Dean will play guitar and I?ll sing to the kids, it?s a really sweet thing. It?s funny though because we keep catching Daniel trying to play with Daddy?s guitar so we had to buy him his own, which he loves, of course he can?t really hold it right or anything, but he just loves to pluck the strings, hopefully he?ll grow up to be as talented as his Daddy, I have a feeling music is in both our kids blood.

I am hoping maybe Dean and I can sneak away for Valentines though, that would be nice. I can?t believe how quickly time has passed, I hope this Valentine?s Day is as amazing as last years, which, I?m positive it will be. I?d like to go to dinner and a movie, just a little date night. We?ll see what will happen. I did buy a dress, just incase, have to say, I fill my clothes out much nicer these days, which Dean likes, a lot. Maybe I should go buy some lingerie too?. Okay, I?m off. Must go shop! I wonder if Jadey is home, I?d love to get her opinion. Maybe I can talk Cole into watching the kids for a few hours while I sneak off? although, I?m sure I won?t really have to talk him into it, he?d probably take the kids forever if I?d let him, he?s so great with them.