When I was a kid I used to play outside all of the time. I remember once, I saw the most beautiful butterfly, it was purple and blue with the most electric green veins running through it. I had to have that butterfly. I chased it down and stalked it until I reached the edge of my parents yard and just when I thought the butterfly was beyond my reach, it came to me and rested on the fence, almost looking at me. I reached out gently to stroke the butterfly, I had to touch it, but I noticed that there was a reason it had been flying awkwardly, it's wing was torn, not so bad that it couldn't fly, but bad enough that I knew it was going to die, the tear would either get worse or prey would catch it, either way, I was sure it didn't have long. I gently took the butterfly inside and put it in a jar. I felt so bad putting it in there, but I wanted that butterfly so bad and it was just going to die anyway. I guess I am rambling, I suppose sometimes, I still think about the butterfly with the broken wings. Sometimes Cole reminds me of that buttefly, I had to have, so badly, and now that I do I feel like I am doing nothing but tearing his wings, forbidding him to fly and putting him in my own little cage to look at as my pretty play thing. Of course Cole is more than that to me, more than a play thing, but I just can't help but feel guilty. I try to let him be free to fly, be who he is, love who he wants, but I still feel so selfish, I feel like I hold back Cole from who he wants to be. I never thought I could do that to someone, crush someone, watch them as they slowly wither and die in my grasp. Cole loves me, he is happy with me, but sometimes I see a sadness and I feel like it's because he is missing someone. I think he misses spending so much time with his other friends and brothers and all of the cuddles. From what I know, it seemed like Dirk didn't mind sharing Cole, atleast not with the others like Jessie and Luke and he even was there when things happened. I just, I can't imagine. I couldn't share Cole with another man, not in front of my own eyes. I know he does things with some of them and it doesn't bother me as much as it did, but the thought of actually watching it happen, I could never. I really don't know what I'm saying. I love Cole, I want to be with Cole, but I'm scared of killing the spark, the life, the fire, everything that makes him, him. I don't ever want him to stop laughing or loving and sometimes I wonder if I am the person that could silence him and make him cold hearted. I take him away from what he loves and wants because of my own jealousy. I know I know, I'm just a normal human guy, what guy wouldn't act the same, but Cole's not human, Cole's not like me. Cole needs the love, he thrives off of it. I wonder if he will ever resent me because of the things I have done and said. Sure, we've been getting along great and things are going well, but I just can't shake the guilty feeling. I know he misses me when I'm gone and I know he try to fill that void by being with the others, which is fine. But maybe I was too hard on Cole about the whole Dirk thing. I hate that man, more than anyone could possibly imagine, but Cole loves him. I don't know if letting Cole be around him is a sacrafice I could make. Cole says he is over Dirk and that he doesn't love him like that anymore, but deep down, I think he does, or could once again. That scares me. Not only because I know I could loose a piece of Cole to Dirk, but also because a part of me wants to give that piece of Cole to Dirk. I can't shake the guilty feelings. Did I break Cole's wings when I forbid him to be with Dirk? Do I have that right? I sound like a mad man, some controlling jerk. I just guess I'd rather be the one to break him than anyone else. I feel like I am the only one that could put him back together again. I am probably rambling, I don't know exactly what I want to say. I guess I just finally have exactly what I always wanted and now that I do, I'm as confused as ever. I need Cole to tell me it's okay for me to do what I have or atleast to know that he doesn't and never will resent me, us.
Your Winter:
The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you, love you
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here
The old picture on the shelf
Well it's been there for a while
A frozen image of ourselves
We are acting like a child
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while
You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you choose that pain?
If you only knew how much I love you
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here
